Everyone loves monkeys…I mean look at this guy in the photo. How could you not love that? But when a monkey’s on the loose, everybody panics. Especially when it’s a superpowered monkey who knows how to avoid traffic and doesn’t go down when shot with tranquilizer darts, like this unnamed ]]>

Everyone loves monkeys…I mean look at this guy in the photo. How could you not love that? But when a monkey’s on the loose, everybody panics. Especially when it’s a superpowered monkey who knows how to avoid traffic and doesn’t go down when shot with tranquilizer darts, like this unnamed monkey in Tampa Bay.

Even after being hit twice with tranquilizer darts, the rhesus macaque that has been on the loose for months in the Tampa Bay area managed to escape again Wednesday afternoon.

Officials with the commission, police and wildlife rehabilitator Vernon Yates went to the scene [where the monkey was spotted]. The monkey was in some trees when it was shot and hit with two tranquilizers.

It then jumped from tree to tree. It landed on a subdivision road and crossed it. It went back in a tree and ran into an open area behind a Walgreens and a church off 54th Avenue South – and got away.

“The drugs just don’t seem to affect him for whatever reason,” Yates said. “We’ve increased the dosage every time that we’ve shot him. What we’re really doing is turning him into a drug addict.”

They say the monkey isn’t a threat to people right now, but given his newfound chemical dependency, I’m not so sure. We’ve all seen what drug addicts will do for a fix. They’ll have that monkey giving hummers and robbing Johns for a sniff of tranq in no time. I just hope people don’t get sucked in by his simian charms. It’s like “Dunston Checks In” mixed with “Urban Cowboy.”

Monkey shrugs off tranquilizers, remains loose [Tampa Bay Online]

Sure I just covered the magic of Japanese TV the other day with the game show Get the Girl Naked, but I think this show, presumably named Confuse the Chimp with Magic, which features a chimp being perplexed and amused by magic tricks, is equally deserving of ]]>

Sure I just covered the magic of Japanese TV the other day with the game show Get the Girl Naked, but I think this show, presumably named Confuse the Chimp with Magic, which features a chimp being perplexed and amused by magic tricks, is equally deserving of a Japanese Emmy.

This is pretty fun to watch because the chimpanzee really seems to be enjoying himself. In fact, chimps tend to be pretty fun as a whole to own, since they have a certain childlike innocence and degree of whimsy to everything to do, clapping and hugging you after you do. But you know when chimps are less fun? When they decide to EAT YOUR FACE. And that bitch didn’t even do anything to torture the chimp, she gave him steak and wine and pills and he STILL decided it was a good idea to start gnawing away at human flesh. All I’m saying is that you never know which game of “Got Your Nose” is going to lead to you getting mauled, so maybe your chimp-focused remake of David Blaine’s Street Magic should be a little more fully thought out.

[as seen on]

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about the key difference between what men will do and what women will.

I wouldn’t f a gorilla or even a small chimp. It’s nothing against the monkeys or their AIDS so I hope any ]]>

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this comic about the key difference between what men will do and what women will.

I wouldn’t f a gorilla or even a small chimp. It’s nothing against the monkeys or their AIDS so I hope any monkey reading this doesn’t get too offended since I get more than enough feces thrown at me already. I just don’t get the appeal of f’ing an animal. Crazy, I know. Animals are for eating or petting. Granted, you could probably throw f’ing into there and not skip a beat, but I’ll be damned if I eat another venison and hunter semen sandwich.

Via Johnny Wander comes this late birthday gift to Charles Darwin, who turned dead (again) yesterday.

Darwin’s a douchebag so I’d love to see him get into a knife fight with an aggressive chicken. It’s not that I have anything against science but ]]>

Via Johnny Wander comes this late birthday gift to Charles Darwin, who turned dead (again) yesterday.

Darwin’s a douchebag so I’d love to see him get into a knife fight with an aggressive chicken. It’s not that I have anything against science but I just don’t believe that I personally came from a monkey. I’ve seen monkeys and I’m pretty sure I don’t throw my crap or eat lice off of relatives’ heads. Well, I don’t eat the lice. Okay, well so what if I do. Look, you have no right to judge me. Though I will take your luxurious monkey accommodations and delicious bananas. Apparently we haven’t evolved away from flavor.

Curious George has always struck me as something of an asshole. Finally, there’s empirical evidence to back up my unwavering anti-adorable-chimp rhetoric.

No, you’re not more retarded than a child who’d normally be tackling this maze on a Curious George book; there is in fact no ]]>

Curious George has always struck me as something of an asshole. Finally, there’s empirical evidence to back up my unwavering anti-adorable-chimp rhetoric.

No, you’re not more retarded than a child who’d normally be tackling this maze on a Curious George book; there is in fact no way to get the the hula hoop. While some may see this as a typographical error which is the fault of a printer or a mazemaker who has lost the passion for his ever-important job, I think it’s a cold hard glance at reality. Here’s the facts kids, straight from your ol’ pal Curious George…you can’t always get what you want, no matter how prepared or dedicated you are. Also, never trust a monkey who hangs out with a guy with a hat that matches his jumpsuit. He may seem friendlier than the other monkeys you’ve met at zoos or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but he’s not. No matter how much you want to believe.

[Via this Flickr-errrr]

This is your last update of 2008 so I should make it a good one. Only I’m not because there’s f’ing nothing extremely funny on the Internet right now (see what happens when I take a semi-vacation?) and I’m a lazy lazy man when I don’t “have” to do work. ]]>

This is your last update of 2008 so I should make it a good one. Only I’m not because there’s f’ing nothing extremely funny on the Internet right now (see what happens when I take a semi-vacation?) and I’m a lazy lazy man when I don’t “have” to do work. So here’s the best things I could find.

Nerds mod NERF gun to make it superpowered

I have no technical abilities whatsoever when it comes to building things or fixing things (once I tried changing the battery on my remote and it caught on fire and called me racial epithets) so I’m easily impressed by stuff like this. Some dudes modified a NERF chain gun and made it into a monster that shoots 500 rounds per minute. Take a look.

This is really helpful if you not only want to be a pedophile and lure kids in with awesome toys, but then also torture them with said awesome toys. It’s really got a dual functionality that can’t be beat there.

In related news, at approximately 5 times in my adult life, I’ve bought a NERF gun on a whim at a toy store. Then I brought it home and shot it at friends for approximately 10 minutes and got bored and never touched it again. This has to be at least 10% of NERF’s sales, right?

Sexy times

It’s New Year’s tomorrow and since there’s a decent chance that a good majority of you may end up in the company of another individual in a sexy way, you may want to heed the wisdom of this chart.

I highly recommend the “I pooped on myself” usage. It not only breaks the ice, but also proves that you’re very comfortable around your partner, which shows trust. Chicks dig trust. Granted, the ends may not justify the means, but eh. Everyone loves crap. Monkeys…uh…fetishists…all the important power players, really.

I don’t know what it is about China (other than their blatant lust for abuse in all forms) but with their eagles getting raped and now monkeys turning on their trainer, it’s a bit of a problem.

Angry monkeys turn on their cruel ]]>

I don’t know what it is about China (other than their blatant lust for abuse in all forms) but with their eagles getting raped and now monkeys turning on their trainer, it’s a bit of a problem.

Angry monkeys turn on their cruel trainer and beat him senseless with his own stick after he handed out a vicious beating to one of the trio during a performance riding mini bicycles in a market in Sizhou, China

Every time I’ve seen a monkey, hanging out, playing with itself I’ve thought, “Man, that monkey’s up to no good” so it’s nice to be justified for once. It’s kind of funny to be an impartial observer seeing this monkey gangland beatdown, but if you’re the trainer, you’re probably thinking that maybe you beat them with sticks too much. Or not enough. I’m not entirely sure what the proper amount of monkey beatings is.

Alls I’m saying is next time you watch Dunston Checks In (I’m presuming everyone watches it twice a week like I do), maybe you shouldn’t think he’s so adorable and instead see him as the coldblooded killer he is. Unless he’s wearing a sailor suit. Then he’s probably cool because, come on, he was in the armed forces, show some respect.

[source]

I think I want one of these Kung Fu monkeys for when I go out to the bars and get black out drunk. MONKEYS CAN TCB, YOU KNOW…