And people say Hollywood is creatively bereft. Two young stars remaking a movie less than ten years old based on a property that’s been popular for fifty years sounds like a delightful new invention to me. Definitely excited to see Spider-Man, the Dark Knight with Douche Hair this summer.

The Amazing Spider-Man hits theatres on July 3rd.

I’m not at all mad at this. I really enjoyed Nazi-zombie movie Dead Snow and believe that making zombies formerly hateable people is lot more logical than making them people who lived a good life. Unless the zombie terrorists get 72 virgins despite not technically leaving their mortal coil. I could live without a zombie sex scene. I saw Bridges of Madison County. That was enough.

Osombie – Osama Bin Laden Zombie Slasher Action Film Trailer [Viral Viral Videos]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

In many cases, a well-executed twist ending instantly transforms a good movie into a great movie. It takes great screenwriting to string the audience along for an entire two hours, only to pull back the curtain to reveal things were not what they seemed the whole time. Below are ten of the most memorable movie twist endings of all time.

Warning: Spoilers galore!

10 Memento
Since Memento starts at the end, would this be considered a twist beginning? The answer, obviously, is “No,” but regardless, this detective thriller sees amnesiac detective Guy Pearce searching for the person who killed his wife. The twist, as we eventually discover, is that Pearce himself is the one who did the deed.

9 Fight Club
As with many movies with twist endings, re-watching Fight Club once you know the ending can be a rewarding experience. Of course, the massive twist in the film is that Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are actually the same person (with Pitt being a split personality of Norton). While the viewer has to look past a couple small details for this fact to make complete cinematic sense, the uniqueness and bigness of the twist is rewarding and impactful enough to earn it a spot on the list.

8 Rosemary’s Baby
Rosemary’s Baby is a thriller classic with one of the most memorable movie endings of all time. In the film, Rosemary slowly discovers the child growing in her stomach is actually the son of Satan. While this isn’t exactly a twist, the fact that the demon offspring eventually comes to term is. More over, while she was horrified about the idea throughout the film, one look into the demonic eyes of her own little man, and Rosemary surprises everybody by instantly coming over to the dark side courtesy of her motherly instincts.

7 Seven
What’s in the box? This is yet another thriller that keeps the audience guessing until the very end. In the film, Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman are one step behind a shadowy killer (who we eventually find out to be Kevin Spacey). In the end, we discover that Spacey has cleverly planned it so that he himself will be the final victim, to be killed by Brad Pitt. To ensure Pitt’s unwilling involvement in Spacey’s demented plan, Spacey informs him that he’s killed Pitt’s wife -– which sends Pitt into a fit of rage.

6 Psycho
Psycho comes with a fairly early twist in that the main heroine in the film (Janet Leigh) gets murdered well before the film’s conclusion. However, the big twist is, of course, reserved for the end. While we are led to believe that the murderer is the mother of Norman Bates, we eventually discover that Bates himself has been dressing up in drag and doing the deeds himself. In fact, it is revealed that Mother Bates isn’t even alive, as Norman’s got her skeleton happily propped in a rocking chair in the basement.

5 The Prestige
Christopher Nolan sure is a fan of twist endings… and there are actually a few in this one. Several times in the film, a twist within the cat-and-mouse game between Christian Bale’s character and Hugh Jackman’s character seems to give one or the other the upper hand. This all leads up to the revelation that Hugh Jackman is not actually dead. Rather, he’s been cloning and killing himself on a near nightly basis all for the sake of a magic trick. That would be enough to make a good twist ending, but the cherry on top reveals that Christian Bale’s character is actually a set of twins who have been living as one person for most of their adult lives.

4 Planet of the Apes
Charlton Heston standing before the ruins of the Statue of Liberty is one of the most iconic and recognizable moments in film. Throughout the film, Heston is hellbent on getting off the Planet of the Apes so he can go home to planet Earth. Surprise, surprise –- as it turns out that is impossible because he’s actually been on Earth all along.

3 Soylent Green
Even if you haven’t seen this movie, it is highly likely that you know the twist at the end. In the year 2022, the world is overpopulated and undernourished. Citizens survive by eating a government foodstuff by the name of Soylent. Where does this mysterious food come from? Well, as Charlton Heston eventually uncovers, IT’S PEOPLE!

2 The Usual Suspects
This film’s ending was one of the greatest tricks a movie ever pulled. Throughout the film, gimpy Verbal Kint (Kevin Spacey) recounts the events of a crime gone wrong to police investigator Chazz Palminteri. Only in the final moments does Chazz (and the rest of us) realize that unassuming Kint is none other than the enigmatic Keyser Soze himself.

1 The Sixth Sense
When people think, “twist ending,” this is likely the first movie to come to mind. When the movie was released in 1999, The Sixth Sense blew the minds of everyone who saw it. At the time, director M. Night Shyalaman (a man known for his twist endings) was relatively unknown. This fact allowed the twist ending –- the fact that Bruce Willis’ character has been dead for most of the film — to sneak up on you. Not only is the twist surprising, but it also makes sense and adds a great deal to the meaning and message of the movie.

Hey, remember when Netflix had plans to split its streaming and physical content into two totally different things? Which would have made things a 100 times more complicated, and not just for old people who use the service but aren’t computer savvy.

Oh, and how they didn’t bother to secure the Twitter handle for this new venture, which was owned by some kid whose avatar was a pot smoking Elmo (and who all of a sudden got like 15,000 new followers in just one morning)?

What a week, huh? Well, when those plans were shelved, some wondered what would happen to one of the new idea that was put on the table: offering games as well. Which, as of yesterday and according to Engadget, has been officially shelved.

Instead, they’re investigating 3D streaming options. Anyhow, hardly a shocker, though one has to wonder if the idea of streaming games, instead of offering discs, might be something they’ll be handling later down the road. Thing of if this way: there’s been much talk about the new systems doing away with physical discs entirely, for a variety of reasons.

So thus, everything will be streamed, but neither MS nor Sony has proven themselves to be all that competent in that arena. But Netflix? They clearly have that down to a science. Compare all the times that Sony’s NFL offerings and MS’s UFC app crashing and burning, to all the times Neflix on either end (or on the Wii, your cell phones, and your PC or Mac) doing the same. Doesn’t even compare, right?

Obviously, there are some major differences between providing movies and games. Instead of just offering content on the fly, entire bits and chunks need to be deposited on your end, all at once. But they clearly have the bandwidth. And given how they’re not doing nearly has hot these days… one has to assume that video games is still on their radar.

I have to admit, it’s pretty impressive how he actually eats and drinks in unique ways as different characters. That’s how you know he’s sexy a good actor.

A SUPERCUT OF BRAD PITT EATING [Filmdrunk]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Movie sequels are the ultimate cash grab. Sure, occasionally, a sequel might serve as a necessary next chapter in a long planned out series, but usually sequels are boring, listless attempts to cash in on a hit film and cannibalize it for every last measly dime. For every Godfather II or Empire Strikes Back, those rare sequels that not only match the original films but also arguably surpass them, there are hundreds of limp and terrible sequels, unwanted bastard children of the original films who are left to float around in the streets of our collective conscious, useless and pitiful. It is these horrible wretches to which this list is devoted. They are the worst of the worst. They are the most unnecessary film sequels ever made.

15 Cruel Intentions 2
Originally conceived as a television pilot called Manchester Prep, this prequel to Cruel Intentions was deemed so crappy that not even Fox would air it. But that didn’t stop the producers who cobbled together whatever footage they had and put together this soul sucking waste of time. The movie is most notable because it stars a young and presumably desperate Amy Adams. It’s also notable for being a pile of crap.

14 Basic Instinct 2
Basically (Ha, see what I did there? Huh? Huh? Eh.) the only reason this movie was made was so that Sharon Stone could make a bunch of money and so desperate losers everywhere could ogle her middle aged boobs. Michael Douglas is nowhere to be found, but to be fair to the producers, casting him would have meant the movie would have to be set in a nursing home, and kinky as that would no doubt be, nobody needs to see that.

13 Caddyshack II
The original was a lot of fun, so hey, what the hell, why not do it again? Not a bad idea. Well, at least until you consider that nobody involved with the original film – with the notable exception of the shameless Chevy Chase –- wanted anything to do with this turd. So why bother making it? Who knows? The only thing that I can figure is that the producers were actually time travelers from 50 years before, which was the last time anyone thought Jackie Mason was funny.

12 Teen Wolf Too
Now what in the hell was the point of this abomination? I’m assuming that the movie was planned with Michael J. Fox in mind, but as soon as he hung up the phone on them there was no reason to continue down the terrible path that led to a young Jason Bateman inexplicably playing a boxing werewolf. It was basically just a crappy remake of the original more than anything, although you have to almost admire the incredible laziness involved. They could have kept the concept up forever -– a wrestling werewolf, a breakdancing werewolf, an opera singing werewolf, etc. — but let’s just be thankful that it ended when it did otherwise we would have no doubt eventually been subjected to the sad site of a werewolf with Parkinson’s, and that would just ruin everyone’s day.

11 The Next Karate Kid
What can really be said about a movie that Ralph frickin’ Macchio won’t appear in? Apparently even he decided that it was a little too creepy for a 30 something Daniel-San to be hanging around with an elderly old Japanese dude who magically rubs Daniel-San back to health whenever anything goes wrong. So who do you replace Daniel-San with? A teenage girl played by Hilary Swank, of course. Now instead of cavorting with a younger man, Miyagi spends his days corrupting a young girl. I’m assuming that the scene where Chris Hanson catches Miyagi showing up at her door with a six pack of Zima was cut out. It was a family film, after all. A family film that should never have been made.

10 Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
Sure, the original was a lot of fun, but who gives a crap how Harry met Lloyd? This is one of those classic cases of a sequel that should have been scrapped as soon as the original stars laughed at the producers and hung up the phone. But instead of a sequel starring Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels, the idiots behind this crap pile decided to make a prequel starring a couple of nobodies doing crappy impressions of Carrey and Daniels. I’m assuming they’ll eventually make Dumb and Dumbest, in which it will finally be revealed that anyone who paid to watch this nonsense is the dumbest of all.

9 Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps
Why? Just… why? The original was a hit over twenty years ago but I guess Oliver Stone figured that since the economy has gone in the crapper and everyone hates Wall Street that it was time to break Michael Douglas out of his crypt and kidnap the little asshole from Transformers and force the two to, uh, well, do whatever the hell it was they did in this movie. I’m going to be honest. I fell asleep watching this, which I assume was my brain’s way of saving itself. It knew that nothing good could come from me watching Michael Douglas decompose in high definition. Thanks, brain!

8 Major League: Back to the Minors
To be honest, there was no reason to make Major League 2, so why in the hell did anyone think this train wreck was a good idea? Even Charlie Sheen had the good sense not to be involved in this. Charlie Sheen! When the voice of reason is an insane coked up whoremonger, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your decision making process, you know? On the bright side, this movie let Corbin Bernsen make a down payment on a new toupee so I guess it wasn’t all bad.

7 Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Who in the hell had any interest in seeing a broken down, tired old senior citizen version of Indiana Jones pulled out of mothballs just so he could deal with an obnoxious Fonzie of a sidekick and some gibberish about aliens? It’s tough to say which was the worst part about this whole fiasco. Was it a greaser Shia LaBeouf sassing the venerable Dr. Jones or was it the ridiculous ending, which somehow managed to make the idea of Nazis having their faces melted off by opening a box seem entirely reasonable by comparison? I’m not sure. All I do know is that there was no reason for this movie to be made other than the fact that George Lucas probably wanted to scrape together enough money to try to bioengineer a living, breathing Jar-Jar Binks. Maybe the plot of the next Indiana Jones movie should be Indy trying to stop an insane George Lucas from destroying what’s left of his reputation.

6 Highlander II
The first Highlander ended with Connor MacLeod as the lone immortal left on Earth. He was the “one” in the famous saying “There can be only one.” So, uh, how in the hell can there even be a sequel? Well, it turns out that all that was a bunch of BS and everything that happened in the first movie really doesn’t matter that much. Hey, cool! To make matters worse, this mess is set at some random point in the future after the ozone layer (remember that controversy?) has been boiled away or eaten by demons or whatever and all the immortals are actually, uh… aliens? Huh. Okaaaaay. But it’s cool because all this nonsense would later be ignored when the producers decided to make even more sequels along with a couple of TV shows. It turns out that, indeed, there can be only one (million crappy sequels).

5 Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Um, do I really even need to explain? I do? Okay, fine. The original was successful for one reason and one reason only: gullible idiots everywhere were convinced that it was real. Of course it wasn’t, but it had enough of a realistic feeling to be a genuinely creeper horror film. So how do you follow up on something as unique as the original? Short answer: you don’t. Hollywood answer: Beat that dead horse until there’s nothing left but dust and bones and then gnaw on the bones for a while too. And so Book of Shadows was conceived, presumably in some back office as the result of an unholy union between greed, stupidity and insanity. The most notable thing about this turd is that it stars the dude who would go on to star in Burn Notice, which, uh . . . well, that kinda says it all right there, doesn’t it?

4 Speed 2: Cruise Control
Even Keanu Reeves read the script for this bomb (Dig the clever wordplay!) and was disgusted. This is a dude who willingly starred in Johnny Mnemonic, Chain Reaction and Hardball. If even he contemptuously tosses your script in the garbage maybe it’s time to rethink things, you know? But really, as soon as Keanu hopped a bus out of town (I’m so sorry…), it was probably time to abandon ship (I just can’t stop…). That would have been the smart move. The Hollywood move, though, was to give Jason Patric a call. Uh… what? Yeah. By the time they got around to making Speed 3, they probably would have been down to Corey Haim as the star and the bomb would have been set in the back of the rusted out Yugo he was living in. I bet Sandra Bullock still would have shown up though.

3 Blues Brothers 2000
Made almost twenty years after the original, this was basically just a half-assed excuse for Dan Aykroyd to take part in his own personal blues fantasy camp. So what if John Belushi, the heart of the original flick, had been dead for a decade and a half? After all, John Goodman was available. What in the hell? This shambling mess never should have even been conceived of, let alone made. The plot… uh, the plot doesn’t really matter because the whole movie is just a bunch of old blues dudes randomly showing up while Aykroyd dances around in the famous Blues Brothers outfit and Goodman just reminds everyone that he’s not Belushi and then everyone goes home sad and depressed. Oh, and there’s an annoying kid in there dressed like one of the Blues Brothers too. Sounds like a winner to me! Oh well, at least Aykroyd isn’t trying to resurrect Ghostbusters or anything. Wait… he what? Awww, crap.

2 Jaws: The Revenge
By the time this piece of roadkill was made, the Jaws franchise had already been stripped to the bone and then those bones had been boiled and dissolved with lime. But still, that didn’t stop the producers from making yet another shark attack movie. This one saw the plot revolve around the Brodys taking off for the Bahamas and being harassed by a vengeful shark who follows them down there. Really. That’s the plot. To make matters worse, they killed off Martin Brody before even filming the movie, explaining that he died of a heart attack because he was scared of the shark. I mean, come on! Could they have found a way to piss on the original any more than that? Well, I guess they could have shown the shark sodomizing his corpse, but… well, I’ll shut up otherwise I’m afraid I’ll give them an idea for another sequel.

1 Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
It’s safe to say that this was the single most anticipated movie in history. People had been waiting almost twenty years for it. And then the movie came out, Jar-Jar Binks raped our brains and everyone stumbled out of the theater and tried to convince themselves and each other that it hadn’t happened. Seriously, this might be the first movie to cause fans to go through the five stages of grief. First, there was denial: “Oh come on, it wasn’t that bad. In fact, I thought it was pretty good. Hey, how about that Darth Maul!” Then there was anger: “Stupid Jar-Jar! How could George Lucas do this to us? I hate him!” Then there was bargaining: “Please, just let the next movie be good and I’ll forget that this thing ever happened. Deal?” Then there was depression: “Oh God, Jar-Jar’s never going away, is he? I don’t think I can even watch the originals anymore because they’ve all been tainted by this crap.” And finally, acceptance: “Okay, so the prequels were a piece of crap. That’s fine. I just have to keep them separate from the originals and come to terms with the fact that George Lucas is a soulless robot who just wants to sell toys and lunchboxes. It’s okay. Jar-Jar Binks is just a dumb character for little kids and it doesn’t have any effect on me.” I’d say a movie that causes its fans to go through the five stages of grief is good enough –- or bad enough, I should say –- to be number one on this list.

Anyone who ever says the phrase “feline fine” without blinking deserves to be cast in a reenactment of the Nguyen Ngoc Loan gun-to-head Vietnam photo, no questions asked.

A SUPERCUT OF GENE SHALIT’S MOST DELICIOUS PUNS [Filmdrunk]

I’ll go on the record: You’re a hack, Steven Spielberg. That said, the Spielberg face coming out in Munich during a sex scene is pretty hilarious. That is precisely how I look every time I have sex. So many past traumas, it’s hard to keep track.

People in movies do things that the rest of us can’t do – they fly, they ride dragons, they travel back in time, they bang Megan Fox – and sometimes that even extends to the world of the law. Occasionally, a movie character will do something outrageously illegal only to get away with it completely. It’s to these secretly degenerate characters that this list is devoted. Now, I’m not including characters who broke the law in obvious ways and then were chased by the cops. No, these are all characters who somehow got away with the things they did without anyone even bothering to call the cops. If any of us did any of the things on this list in the real world, we’d be shuffling along in leg-chains in front of a judge while our Public Defender begged for mercy. But these seven characters didn’t have to worry about judges or manacles or, well, anything really because somehow, someway, they all got away with not just breaking the law, but demolishing it.

7 Doc Brown – ‘Back to the Future’
Everyone loves Doc Brown. He’s smart, he’s goofy, and he’s always willing to help a friend travel through time in order to ensure that his parents bone at the Under the Sea Dance. Now that’s a good friend. But in real life, Doc Brown would probably be rotting in some dank cell in Gitmo. I mean, let’s just look at the facts. First of all, the dude experimented extensively with Plutonium, which you have to figure is a genuine national security risk. I’m guessing the feds wouldn’t be too cool with the idea of some crazy old man monkeying around with potentially nuclear components. But even worse than that, Doc Brown got his supply of Plutonium via illicit deals with Libyan terrorists. Uh… yeah. In real life, Doc Brown would be rounded up by a SWAT team, fitted with a black bag over his head and flown to some super-secret military tribunal. And I’m guessing the cops would also probably have some questions about the nature of Doc’s relationship with Marty McFly. I mean, come on, he’s an old man whose only meaningful relationship is with a teenage boy. Plus, he even admitted that his time traveling experiments had the potential to destroy the entire universe by disrupting the space-time continuum. Hell, he’s damn near a super-villain.

6 Joel Goodsen – ‘Risky Business’
Sure, it’s great that Joel was able to find the confidence to stand up for himself, and hey, everyone sure is proud of him for hooking up with that hot older lady, but generally people frown on the idea of a teenage boy running his own whorehouse. Usually that will get you at least a stern talking to from the fuzz. I’m sure it gave him a great story for his college application essay and I’m sure that he was able to talk himself into the idea that a women who’s probably slept with a thousand different dudes was capable of being satisfied by his virgin wang, and hey, I’ll even grant you the impossible and say that he was able to emotionally deal with a relationship with a hardened professional hooker, but none of that takes away from the fact that the dude was running whores out of his parents’ house. Admittedly, that’s some impressive entrepreneurial zeal, but the last time I checked, that’s pretty frowned upon. Even in the blue states.

5 John Hammond – ‘Jurassic Park’
According to Jurassic Park, it’s perfectly okay – legal, even – to buy your own private island and then conduct weird cloning experiments with the aim of resurrecting giant lizards capable of destroying humanity and then turning that island of terror into a friggin’ theme park. Hey, why not? In real life, I’m guessing that about a dozen different governments would have invaded John Hammond’s disturbing little kingdom and had him dragged away. Hell, forget about arresting him, they would have had the dude killed. I mean, you can’t ignore the facts – this crazy old dude was breeding monsters. Do you think the cops would be okay with you trying to breed dragons in your backyard? I’m guessing probably not. Oh well, at least no one got hurt. Oh wait…

4 Edward Cullen – ‘Twilight’
One of the greatest atrocities committed upon mankind by the Twilight films is that they have convinced a whole generation of girls (hell, women of all ages to be honest with you) that the Edward/Bella saga is the height of romance. But here are the facts – Edward, a near 100 year old vampire, falls in love with a high school chick and then proceeds to stalk the shit out of her. He follows her around everywhere, watching from the shadows and he even breaks into her bedroom every now and again like some sort of creepy weirdo and somehow everyone is cool with this, which uh… what the hell? Leaving aside the fact that Edward, you know, drinks blood and has the urge to eat Bella (and I do mean actually eat her, not, well, you know…), which I’m guessing the local authorities would frown upon, he’s still an obsessive stalker who worms his way into a teenage girl’s life and turns her into an emotional basket case. Even more ridiculous, her dad is the chief of police! In real life, he and his buddies would have dragged Edward down to the station, cuffed him to a chair and beat him with batons until he agreed to leave town. Oh well, I guess her dad is just thankful that she’s not off screwing the local wolf pack. Still, you’d think Edward would at least be the recipient of a restraining order or two.

3 The Entire Delta Tau Delta Fraternity – ‘Animal House’
Yeah, it was fun watching the Delta house get revenge on those smug assholes from Omega Theta Pi, but in real life every single one of those dudes would have ended up in prison. Why? My God, just watch the movie. At the very least, they would have all been charged with something like Mayhem just for what they pulled off during the parade at the end of the movie. (Quick side note: is there anything cooler sounding than being charged with “Mayhem”? That’ll get you some street cred for sure.) Shit, if that happened today they’d probably be charged with terrorism. Let’s not forget the various bouts of destruction of property, Bluto running around like a peeping Tom, blatant theft and impersonating dead people for the purposes of getting laid. (Not sure if that last one is technically a crime but it’s still pretty shady, right?) Special degenerate points go to young Pinto for trying to bone the underage daughter of the damn mayor. Sure, it was all in good fun and in the end, the good guys won, but in real life the bad guys from Omega are usually the guys in charge and I’m guessing they would have locked the whole Delta house up and thrown away the key.

2 Lewis Skolnick – ‘Revenge of the Nerds’
Lewis raped a lady in the moon room during the Homecoming carnival. Frame it however you want, but that’s what happened. If you don’t agree with me, look at like this – imagine what would happen if during a costume party, you saw a girl go into a room so you stole her boyfriend’s costume, pretended to be him and then had sex with her. As soon as you pulled your mask off, she’d be blowing the shit out of her rape whistle and screaming for help and you know it. And that’s just the worst thing he did. Let’s not forget that Lewis also organized an event which saw him and his fellow nerds storm a sorority, terrorize the hell out of the girls and then plant cameras all over the house so they could then violate the poor ladies’ privacy whenever they felt like it. In real life, Lewis would be all over all sorts of sex offender lists and he probably wouldn’t be able to live within 100 yards of a school or even allowed to interact with women without the presence of a social worker. Sure, Betty was kind of a bitch, but generally “Hey, she was a bitch, your honor and I wanted to have sex with her because she was pretty hot” doesn’t fly in court. And I haven’t even talked about how Lewis and the gang completely corrupted young Wormser, who looked like he was no more than twelve years old. They plied him with booze and weed, and… man, Lewis was kind of a complete degenerate, wasn’t he?

1 Luke Skywalker – ‘Star Wars’
Luke Skywalker was a terrorist. There. I said it. Deny it all you want, but search your feelings, you know it to be true. Really, the whole Rebel Alliance was one big terrorist network, dedicated to overthrowing the Empire at all costs. I mean, they were sending poor Bothan spies on suicide missions, they were bent on the assassination of all important imperial leaders and they even resorted to blowing up the Death Star not once, but twice, in the process killing thousands upon thousands of innocent support staff and, presumably, the wives and children of all those Storm Troopers. In real life, Luke and the gang would be hiding in caves. Then again, that’s basically what they did on Hoth. They hid out in caves while the U.S. government, er, I mean the Imperial Empire sent drones after them. I picked Luke specifically because he fits the profile of the young zealot who will do anything for “the cause” to a tee, doesn’t he? Some old priest finds him living in the desert, a poor, angry young man and then teaches him that the most important thing in the world is his religion, a mysterious thing called The Force. Luke then devotes his life to a jihad against all those who he sees to be the enemy of his new religion. Sure, sure, it would be easy to throw Han Solo on this list instead because, hell, he even admits that he’s a criminal, but at least he’s just along for the ride because he’s trying to get laid. Luke, on the other hand, is a true believer and if we’ve learned anything over the last decade or so, there’s nothing more dangerous than a true believer.

Personally, I find the singing shark much more believable than Jaws. A shark wanting to eat Richard Dreyfuss? That dude does not look even remotely tasty. 1970s Travolta? Sure. He’d probably even taste kind of spicy like one of those Italian sausages. Dreyfuss? No way. He probably tastes like cheap whiskey and latkes.

See a Trailer for Jaws, If It Were a Family-Friendly Movie [Vulture]

Hmm. This is a tough dilemma. On the one hand, I definitely wouldn’t want to get eaten by a shark. On the other hand, I, too, enjoy “bitches and babes.” And we’ve come a long way in prosthetics for people surviving a shark bite. Shark Pool would be cinema’s finest social experiment, an epic game of brain versus genitals versus giant shark teeth.

This is exactly why I bring a harpoon with me every time I try to have sex. Sure it scares off some, but you don’t see me getting bit by sharks, do you?

[Thanks for sending, Tony!]

Well, I suppose it’s kind of taboo to throw a masturbatory sock on a child’s head so maybe it’s best to reserve judgment about whether this’ll be an edgy comedy like the original was. I just feel like, at this point, we get it…everyone’s jackin’ it and/or thinking about sex. But when the original American Pie came out in 1999, the Internet was new, celebrity nude photos and sex tapes weren’t released on the regular, and we were maybe a bit more innocent.

Then 9/11 changed everything and now we jerk off everywhere to amalgam’s of Scarlett Johansson’s nude pics and Kim Kardashian’s sex tapes and it’s all topsy turvy.

Either way, I’m sure we’ll all be looking forward to the entirely-expected-yet-still-mildly-entertaining sexual antics when the movie comes out next April.

Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner/Hulk, Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, and Tom Hiddleston as Loki also make brief appearances.

Oh, and it of course has music by Nine Inch Nails, because they’re still badass, right? (What, no AC/DC?)

Once the shock of this big reveal settles in, this kid is going to have learned an important lesson. Namely that his father will cut off his hand and attempt to lure him into doing his evil bidding at some point in the not too distant future. And that he’s going to have a weird relationship with his sister that occasionally veers into incestuous territory. Oh the power of storytelling and rapidly aging computer graphics!

Whether you’re a Seth Rogen fan or not, you’ve got to be pleased that somewhere out there, there’s a chubby Jewish stoner-y dude banging 10s and booking leading roles like he’s a modern day Clark Gable. It’s like seeing a real life version of BASEketball with excessive dick jokes and Jew fros in the place of a fictional sport.

Watch a Compilation of Seth Rogen’s Many Pop-Culture References [Vulture]

You can see the list of where all 100 come from on the comments of the YouTube upload.

It almost loses all meaning when you see that word uttered 100 times in under fourteen minutes. How can you appreciate the beautiful simplicity of the word when it’s being forced down your throat like some sort of depressing gangbang film? That’s what this is. A verbal gangbang. Less sticky than a real one and with far less guys in crappy mustaches, but still. Similar.

Mewlists [YouTube]

In fairness, it’s hard to look hilarious next to Kellan Lutz. Big jacked dudes with no charisma are known for their room-ruining comedic chops.

That said, I don’t expect Mandy Moore to be funny. It’s like when we filmed the now-famous “Date with Kate Upton” videos. Kate and our video producer Ryan Jones talked a bit before they sat down for their “date” (sorry if that ruined the moment for you) and she said something to him that made him laugh uproariously. So when he told us this story, we expected the joke to be funny. Instead, when Ryan retold it, the little witty aside she made had the comedic weight of me going, “My pants are loose.” But still, it’s Kate Upton. A hot chick can recount the story of your parents being gunned down in an alleyway and you’d give a hearty chuckle.

Point being..big whiff here, Mandy. Big fat whiff.

Here’s a Less-Than-Successful Joke From Mandy Moore [Vulture]

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Movie ticket prices have skyrocketed in the past few years and most people are forced to choose between buying a movie ticket or paying rent. Therefore when people go to the movies, they expect the story to be amazing, the popcorn to be artery-bursting buttered, and the audience to be quiet. However there are certain people out there that destroy the movie watching process.

7 The Over-Reactor
If it’s funny, she’ll snort with laughter, if it’s sad she’ll sob and sniffle, and if it’s scary she’ll scream like she’s being skinned alive. No matter that the movie is about, the over-reactor will be so loud and so shocked by every plot twist, that you’ll miss half the movie just listening to her scream “No!” “You’re kidding me!” and “Oh lord, they’re all played by Tyler Perry.” Since the movie’s ruined from the Over-Reactor’s running commentary, make the experience worth it by throwing Raisinets at her for the rest of the movie.

6 The Sick Person
You would think that with the spread of swine flu people would stay home when they have the sniffles. But no, the sick person enters the theater with a box of tissues, a humidifier, and a hacking cough. Instead of watching the movie, you’re forced to spend the two hours wiping spittle off your face every time the sick person sneezes. Do yourself a favor and call the local health board to report a movie viewer with the bubonic plague. He’ll be hauled out of the theater just in time for you to see the out takes during the credits.

5 The Woman on her Cell Phone
Despite watching 16 “hilarious” don’t-use-your-cell-phone commercials before the previews, the woman on her cell phone doesn’t quite get the hint. She’ll talk on her phone right up until the movie starts and hang up with an extra loud “I’m in the movies, every one’s giving me the evil eye, gotta go.” However, once her mouth stops moving, her fingers start working. She types so fast that you’re not sure if she’s talking to friends or typing out the the sequel while she watches the movie. Either way, report her for pirating the movie.

4 The Family Date
Babies belong in a lot of places like strollers, cribs, and on the waiting list to be adopted by Madonna. However some parents didn’t get the memo and therefore think it’s perfectly appropriate to bring their nursing, crying, smelly baby to the movies. Not only do you feel awkward watching sex scenes next to an infant, but the parents are so into the movie that they can’t be bothered to get up and leave when the baby starts crying. Get the parents running out of the theater by asking to play with the baby. For some wacky reason people don’t like strangers touching their kids.

3 The Person with the Personal Story
Assuming you don’t live in a town with zombies, everyone in the theater is alive and has their own life experiences. Except the Person with a Personal Story has a life experience story for every single scene in the movie. Oh a character is in the shower? The personal story lady loudly whispers to a friend about one time when she was in the shower, her soap slipped. What? A bus goes by the camera. Personal story lady reminisces about her childhood memories on the school bus. Shut her up by using your most threatening voice and telling her if she doesn’t stop talking, you will kill her. Of course this could backfire if she has a story about someone in her past threatening to kill her.

2 Guy who goes to the bathroom 10 times
Any frequent moviegoer knows it’s important to not only go to the bathroom before the movie, but it’s also incredibly stupid to order one of the XXL drinks (kegs) from the concession stand. However the Bathroom Goer ignores all of this common sense and therefore needs to go the bathroom 10 times during the movie. And to add insult to injury he’s the kinda guy that can’t just squeeze through the aisle. He’ll sit smack dab in the middle and then make everyone else stand up when he has to go. The only fix for this problem is to write to your lawmakers and inform them of the importance of creating toilet-seat-movie seats.

1 The Loud Muncher
Most moviegoers try to be courteous about their snack and they’ll take extra effort to open up and eat their food quietly. However the chewing noises coming from the Loud Muncher make you wonder if they’re selling bricks at the concession stand. Every time he takes another bite, you get one day closer to going deaf. End this problem by accidentally swinging your hands and knocking all his food onto the ground. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always deter the Expert Loud Muncher who often times has no problems eating off the floor.

The reviews of the film aren’t particularly good. A breakdown of reviews by the Jewish Chronicle (whom you’d assume would be big fans of a bad Hitler movie) included ones from Indian critics that call the film “ignorant,” “botched up,” and “ineffective.” They also express confusion as to why every actor in the film is Indian.

Obviously, I’ve not seen the film (our relations with the PR departments of B movies in India leave something to be desired) but I have to stick up for it a bit here. Any movie with at least a 1% chance of World War II being engaged as a result of an elaborate Bollywood song and dance that features Hitler doing the funky chicken has my fullest support.

There’s Something Weird About The Hitler Bollywood Movie [Buzzfeed]

Click through for super-duper-sexy-hi-res if you need it.

I don’t know how this’ll make me sound (wait, yes I do, like a little girl), but I don’t feel like this current incarnation of Superman is handsome enough for me. I mean, yeah, I’m sure he’s all super and shit, but to me, Superman should be like the PERFECT guy. Universally attractive, ripped, and able to burn stuff with his eyes (just like every woman’s dream guy). I’m not feeling it.

I will however make sure to check out future promotional images and let you know if my homoeroticism masquerading as critical reception changes.