Despite increased security, the 40-year-old Vega was gunned down by unknown assailants on his way to a concert in Mexico.

The BBC speculates that Vega’s drug-related songs, called “narcocorridos,” may have been the reason behind the hit.

Man, I definitely would not want to be a Mexican celebrity. Oh, not because of the murder, I just look really bad in a mustache.

Needless to say, I’m also canceling my planned Fall musical debut “An Ode to the Latin Kings’ Awesome Cocaine Which Is Way Better Than That Crap The Mexico City Vatos Are Selling. I Mean Seriously, Vatos, I’ve Gotten Higher Watching The Cartoon All-Stars To The Rescue.” It’s the music community’s loss.

Mexican Singer Dies After Clearing Up False Reports Of His Death [Perez Hilton]
Sergio “El Shaka” Vega Murdered Hours After Denying Reports of His Death [CBS News]

Had Lora Hunt been eating a sandwich or dialing her cell phone instead of polishing her nails when she struck and killed a motorcyclist, she would not now stand convicted of reckless homicide, her lawyer contends.

During his closing argument, [Hunt's lawyer Jeff] Tomczak said Hunt admitted that painting her nails while driving was a “stupid, stupid thing.” But he contended authorities were trying to make an example of Hunt because she is a woman.

“I do believe it is the underlying act of painting the nails that was the impetus for the charge,” he said. “I haven’t seen a reckless homicide charge for dialing a cell phone.”

But prosecutor Mike Mermel said there’s a big difference between polishing nails and other forms of distracted driving. “It is not the same as biting a sandwich … it’s a voluntary disablement,” he said. “She might as well have been in the back seat making a sandwich.”

Woman found guilty in fatal ‘nail polish’ crash [Chicago Breaking News]

You know what probably happened? The two swordfish were probably hanging out, talking and whatever. They had a little too much fishbeer and got a little too fishdrunk, started horsing around. Then there was an uncomfortable moment where they crossed swords and they both kind of liked it, but didn’t talk about it after then. The awkwardness was too much for Swordfish 1 to bear. So he plotted this moment, intricately, for days, weeks even. It might have been easier to just tell Swordfish 2 how he really felt for him. But that was a courage Swordfish 1 never had.

Yeah I can pretty much turn anything gay.

This is really the difference between kids’ entertainment now and then. Now, if Spongebob were to kick Patrick in the groin and laugh because, whatever dude, you’re an obese starfish, how about you not act all uppity, parents would probably boycott for weeks saying it’s a bad influence on kids. But if you look at this, Donald Duck basically said, “Hey Goofy, you hit me in the face with a fish, so in return, I’m going to allow you to die alone in a large body of water.” A subtle difference, but still. And now we know where Scott Peterson got his ideas from.

From Friday though Thursday, 10 people were murdered. Most are unsolved. Most didn’t have any particular rhyme or reason: Man shot in an apparent robbery. Man shot to death in argument with two men. Man shot in possible drug house. Man shot in apartment complex parking lot. Man tries to intervene in a disturbance, gets beaten and shot in Dairy Queen parking lot.

The list goes on: Man fatally shot in suspected drug house. Two convicted felons found bound and shot in a car in suspected drug-related slaying. Man fatally shot in strip club parking lot. Man shot in apartment parking lot.

All were male. Six victims were black. Three were Latino. One was white.

“They’re random,” said Lt. Craig Miller, commander of the homicide unit. “We just don’t ever get those really cool CSI-type murders…. It’s just somebody goes to a dope house and gets murdered. It’s someone has been drinking, gets in a fight and gets murdered.”

[via, thanks Marciella for the tip!]

This is the next logical step for video games right? I’m tired of murdering all these fictional people in my games, time to kill some real ones in my games! Yeah! Maybe even some stabbing game where you play with friends and then have to stab each other so you can kill their character in the game! The next step in video gaming: reality! We’ll make millions!

You know what’d be pretty cool? A battery powered knife that operates like a chainsaw that you could use as a normal household utensil/murder weapon. Chainsaws just aren’t convenient for me in my crazy 9-to-5 lifestyle and they really make my pockets look bulky. Sigh, is why I wish I had my own version of Q from the James Bond movies. He’s just make really ridiculous inventions at my ridiculous whims. “Flying hat? Talking hamburger? Right away, boss!”

She grins and chats. On Valentine’s Day, she sported a T-shirt that read “All You Need Is Love.” And one of the first things she said in court was about a rabbit shaped sex toy.

Amanda Knox faces life in prison if convicted of killing Meredith Kercher, a British exchange student who was her roommate in this picturesque university town. However, her breezy behavior in hearings over the last three months has set tongues wagging in Italy and abroad.

In recent addresses to the court, Knox spoke in Italian and sounded confident, even in her first public statement when she casually explained the presence of a pink rabbit-shaped vibrator in her Perugia house, saying it was “a joke” and a present from a friend.

In a statement e-mailed to The Associated Press, Knox’s family described the American as “generally a positive person,” who tries to “see something positive in everybody and every situation.”

“When she comes to the courtroom, she is generally happy to see familiar faces,” the statement said. “The media seems more interested in what she’s wearing or how she acts for brief moments … than in the lack of evidence against her or her respectful, attentive manner during the court proceedings.”

“Her behavior has never been adequate, given the seriousness of what happened,” lawyer Francesco Maresca, who represents [the roommate]‘s family, said Wednesday. “I criticize a superficial and inappropriate behavior. There’s a girl who died brutally, we could use some respect.”

[source]

Frankly I don’t think there’s any time in which burying a clown isn’t appropriate. Clowns do so much to torture us each and every day, whether it be spraying us in the face with flowers attached to their lapel or sodomizing us when we try to hitch a ride in their clown car. Needless to say that if Hitler had a thing for ethnically cleansing people in red noses and floppy shoes, he’d probably have been slightly less reviled.

He told Morley: “Not only did you murder your victim by cutting his throat and stabbing him but you cut him up, cooked him and ate part of him.

“Before this case I had associated cannibalism with eras long gone, with the tale of Robinson Crusoe. No longer.

“You have plumbed (sp?) depths rarely encountered in our court.”

[source]

Minnesota wildlife officials tried for six days to capture a bear that had a plastic jar stuck over its head, but ended up killing the animal after it wandered into a city during a festival.

The wild black bear — whose head got stuck inside a 2½-gallon clear plastic jug presumably while foraging for food — ambled into the city of Frazee, about 200 miles northwest of the Twin Cities, during the town’s busy Turkey Days celebration.

“When it got into town, our main concern was public safety,” said Rob Naplin, the Department of Natural Resources’ area wildlife supervisor in Park Rapids.

While the bear could breathe, it couldn’t eat or drink and was likely suffering from dehydration and hunger. “I’m sure there was high anxiety and frustration with its predicament,” Naplin said.

In the six days that followed the initial sighting of the bear, officials tried to trap it and tranquilize it in numerous locations, but to no avail.

By the time the animal showed up in Frazee, conservation officers decided it needed to be killed to avoid conflicts with humans.

“Oh bother,” said the bear, before being shot in the f’ing face by some assholes whose job it is to catch wildlife yet can’t stop a BEAR WITH A JAR ON ITS HEAD. Seriously, how impotent do you have to be to not be able to stop a bear with a jar on its head? You could probably just have one guy kneeled over behind him and then shove him over. HE HAS A JAR ON HIS HEAD.

I am curious though as to how the bear got the jar on his head. Did he really go after some honey, like I’d assume? Or maybe he wandered into a jar factory and the jar was built around his head? Or maybe he was born that way? Perhaps he’s a supervillain, a bear version of Spiderman’s enemy Mysterio? This bear’s death leaves a lot of unanswered questions. And uneaten picnic baskets. Enjoy your sandwiches while they last, you bastards.

“There can be only one, human.”

For now— police believe a black labrador puppy attacked and killed the baby.

The boy died inside the home at 101st and Evanston late this morning. Police say the infant was left unattended in a swing with two dogs in the room, the lab puppy and a pug. The black lab has been euthanized.

EMSA says any dog can turn dangerous.

“Even a very familiar family dog can turn on you, puppies specifically, they’re unpredictable, they’re young, they got a lot of hormones going on, you’ve never know what they’re gonna do,” says Chris Stevens of EMSA.

In fact, nearly all the dog bites EMSA has treated in the last three months have involved dogs the children have known.

“Never let an animal sleep in the same room as your child, have your pets spade or neutered, it does relieve a lot of the aggression.”

That’s some top-notch writing. Indeed, having your puppy turned into a playing card’s suit will help keep it under control. Also, having it “spayed” may help. Both are important really. It’s always nice when a writer writes his or her articles by sounding simple words out and then using the incorrect homophone. It’s a staple of journalism.

That seems kind of unfair to the black lab puppy though that it was euthanized. Not only did it not know any better and not only is it not the puppy’s fault that the baby’s parents are idiots, but f that the puppy WON. Sometimes an unstoppable force meets an immovable object and clearly that’s the case when you put a baby and a puppy in the room. Plus, who’s to say the pug didn’t set the black lab up? He didn’t even get a fair trial! The justice system just doesn’t work. More like All Dogs Go to Death Row. No justice, no peace!

A car has plowed into a bike race along a highway near the US-Mexico border, killing one and injuring 10 others.

Police investigator Jose Alfredo Rodriguez says the 28-year-old driver was apparently drunk and fell asleep when he crashed into the race.

A photograph taken by a city official shows bicyclists and equipment being hurled high in to the air by the collision.

Rodriguez says Juan Campos was charged with killing Alejandro Alvarez, 37, of Monterrey.

You hate to see a bunch of people get injured as a result of one person’s failures at life. Even if they are Mexicans. And I know we all think that Mexicans are barely people, but come on, let’s put that aside for a minute. Wait, we don’t all think that? Oh. I thought there was a bill passed to that effect. It must have been in my dreams. Sigh.

You know what they should do? Hire some Mexicans to clean up that mess. They must be pretty plentiful for hire in Mexico. Work on that, Johnson.

Hmm, call me crazy, but I’m thinking that, as Hillary proved, implying that the first serious black Presidential candidate who’s already received numerous threats and the largest Secret Service detail in history should be assassinated MIGHT get you in a wee bit of trouble. But then SAYING that you’d like to see it happen…hmm, probably even more of a bad idea.

Unless you’re actually going to do it because at least then I can respect you for your followthrough. Whenever I have a bad idea, I refuse to back off it until it’s done. It’s the Alpha Male way to do things. Like the time I told everyone the Earth was flat. It’s like, what the f is this “globe” BS? You give me a sheet of paper and some crayons and I will tell you the best way to find a shipping route for spices. I don’t care that this happened in 1994, I’m not buying your crap, Magellan.

A grizzly bear that appeared in a recent Will Ferrell movie killed a 39-year-old trainer with a bite to his neck Tuesday and had to be subdued with pepper spray.

Three experienced handlers were working with the bear at Randy Miller’s Predators in Action facility when the bear bit 39-year-old Stephan Miller on the neck, said San Bernardino County sheriff’s spokeswoman Cindy Beavers. Stephan Miller is Randy’s cousin, she said.

The center’s staff used pepper spray to subdue and contain the bear and there were no other injuries, she said.

Calls seeking comment from Randy Miller, a stuntman and operator of Predators in Action, were not immediately returned Tuesday evening. Randy Miller doubled for Ferrell in the bear wrestling match, according to the center’s site.

In a February interview, Randy Miller called Rocky “the best working bear in the business,” the San Bernardino Sun reported on its Web site Tuesday.

The Department of Fish and Game will decide the bear’s fate after an investigation, Tiffany Swantek, a spokeswoman for the Big Bear Sheriff’s Station, told the San Bernardino Sun Tuesday.

Decide the bear’s fate? How about you just let his fate be…oh, I don’t know, TO GO BE A FING BEAR IN THE WILDERNESS? Maybe we shouldn’t get mad at a bear when we try to make him into some trained animal when all he wants to do is eat salmon, steal picnic baskets, and scratch his anus on large trees. It’s like when you try to train a woman, then you get surprised when she does things like “vote” and “go shopping”. Sure, you can do all you can, but an animal’s just going to revert to instincts sometimes.

I think people need to speak up and not let this overly powerful Department of Fish and Game take Rocky the Bear from us. He was led on! And hungry! Fuck, I’d maul a trainer if I hadn’t eaten lunch by 2PM. SAVE ROCKY THE BEAR! SAVE ROCKY THE BEAR!

The students allegedly brought to school a broken steak knife, a roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and a crystal paperweight in a bid to kill their teacher, Belle Carter, the paper reports.

“We did not hear anybody say they intended to kill her, but could they have accidentally killed her? Absolutely,” Tanner said. “We feel like if they weren’t interrupted, there would have been an attempt. Would they have been successful? We don’t know.”

The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, Tanner said.

“It’s our understanding that she did in fact discipline one of the students, and they did not like it, he told FOX News. “After that, she began to plot revenge on the teacher.”

Tanner told FOX News not all of the students were in on all the details of the allegedly plot.

“We believe that some of them knew the entire plot and some of them were … just asked to bring other items in but they might not have realized the entire plot,” he said.

That last quote is kind of amazing in every way. Some of them didn’t realize? No way! I find that hard to believe.

A broken steak knife, roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and a crystal paperweight? Wow, they’re like a troupe of retarded little MacGuyvers. Or maybe they just brought that in for lunch. Who can tell! Retarded kids are so savvy!

Anyway, frankly, if you get outfoxed by a group of retarded third graders, I’m pretty sure you deserve to die. That’s like standing under a cartoon anvil that weighs two tons. Sure, that coyote looked trustworthy and handsome, but you should know better. You really should.