So a guy who plays Left 4 Dead with his gal pal decided to pop the big question, in-game, via a custom created model…

I realize that it’s a bit unorthodox, so perhaps a dumbfounded reaction is not all that shocking, but the lack of anything throughout is somewhat telling. At the very least, it’s a gorgeous looking mod, which I found thoroughly impressive, enough to elicit a “what the heck is this?!?!” Or so I assumed. Instead she’s all “whatever.” Maybe she’s seen better?

Still, once the hearts and the questions started popping up, a light bulb should have turned a light bulb on. And here’s the thing, hope no one minds me being somewhat sexist, yet also dish the real deal equally: everyone is well aware of the stereotype in which nerdy guys are completely clueless (among other things). Well, trust me when I say this: their female counterparts can be equally dim (again, among other things).

Though it’s her reaction at the end that’s the total kicker. Then again, perhaps the opposite might have been weird as well. A weird counterpoint I know, but check out the reaction of this other nerd girl, over getting a doll that’s she has wanted to badly. It’s worth noting that we’re not talking about Barbies here; it’s a Dollfie Dream, which is this type of super fancy (and super expensive) doll that animu folks are way into. Including grown men. Which is something I might explore at a later date.

Warning: the following is sorta cute at first, but becomes ways uncomfortable real quick…

How can you tell if you’re a nerd? Most of the time it’s not quite so simple as glancing down and seeing a pocket protector. In fact, most nerds are capable of passing themselves off as what the Bible refers to as “Normals” in everyday life. And that’s why we’ve gathered here today. This helpful little list will let you know just how many nerd tendencies you actually have. Don’t feel bad. There’s no judgment here. I’m not gonna lie – I’m guilty of one or two of these myself. And I love me. I’m awesome. So you should love yourself too and learn to embrace the simple and unavoidable fact that you may very well be, yes, a nerd. At least a little bit. So, with all that said, here are 14 ways to tell if you are a nerd.

14 You Own Multiple Editions of Star Wars
Look, I know that George Lucas releases a new edition of his famed trilogy every six months (at least it seems that way), but honestly, one is enough, don’t you think? You might think it’s important to buy the newest edition because the Ewoks contain working genitalia or because you read that there’s a scene where Jar Jar Binks gets beheaded by Boba Fett, just remember that all you’re doing is validating George Lucas’ egomania and validating the opinion of the rest of the world that you are, in fact, a nerd.

13 You Have an Opinion on The Big Bang Theory
No, not the actual theory. We’re talking about the CBS show in which a bunch of uber-nerds make asses out of themselves because they’re too socially retarded to know how to act in polite society. If you like this show because it reminds you of you and your friends, you obviously came to terms with your nerddom long ago. But, if you hate this show because you find its portrayal of smart people offensive, well, I’ve got news for you – you my friend are very likely also a nerd. It’s a shitty sitcom. Relax.

12 You Own a Collectible Figure
Sure, you might tell people that the mint condition Indiana Jones doll you keep in its original packaging is an investment, but the rest of the world just thinks you still play with toys. And while you may tell yourself that the little Optimus Prime action figure you keep on your desk is just an ironic shout out to your lost childhood, you know that deep in your little heart that it just means that that same heart is pumping nerd blood through those veins of yours. And contrary to all those comic books you read – excuse me, graphic novels – sadly, nerd blood doesn’t magically turn you into some sort of crime fighting super hero. I’m sorry that I had to be the one to tell you.

11 Greedo Shooting First Means Anything to You
If you know what I’m talking about, then I don’t need to explain here. Just hang your head in shame. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, there’s no way I can explain this without making myself look like the world’s biggest nerd. Shit, maybe I should have skipped this one…

10 You Play Roleplaying Games
Hey, look, if you want to sit around with your friends and pretend that you’re a wizard or if you can’t stand the idea of even that level of socialization and prefer to do your wizard fantasizing via your World of Warcraft account, knock yourself out. Just know that the day you end up in a park wearing a wizard hat dodging imaginary lightning bolts from people dressed like servers at Medieval Times is the day that you’ve surrendered completely to the nerd way of life. It’s a slippery slope. That’s all I’m saying.

9 Your PC Uses an Operating System Other Than Windows
Look, I’m not knocking you here. In fact, I admire your computer acumen. Personally, I’ve come to accept that these articles get posted via the power of magic. I’m pretty sure Spags is a wizard. So I have no room to judge you for your obvious knowledge and expertise. But just know that every time you brag about using some arcane operating system that the word “Nerd” flashes in bright neon lights in the brain of whoever it is that you’re talking to. But that’s okay because one day you’ll be the one who engineers Skynet and they’ll be the ones running from a giant robot that inexplicably looks and talks like an Austrian bodybuilder.

8 You Have Ever Argued Which Star Trek Series is the Best
Special points here if you’ve ever found yourself arguing who was the better Captain, Kirk or Picard. Double bonus points if you’ve ever tried to successfully argue the case of any of the Star Trek series other than the original series or Next Generation. Super duper bonus points if you even have a working knowledge of those other series allowing you to make that argument. Mega Ridiculous Jurassic Park sized Nerd points if you think that Dr. Who is better than all of them.

7 You Still Dress Like You’re in the Fourth Grade
Look, that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tee-shirt may have made you the envy of all your snot nosed friends when you were ten, and your grandma might have told you how spiffy those Velcro Nikes look, but I’m afraid I have some bad news for you – even those cartoon turtles think you need to update the ol’ wardrobe and those dudes don’t even wear pants. Of course, it’s possible that you dress this way just because you’re a hipster. But just know that is far, far more odious than being a nerd.

6 You’re Rivers Cuomo
Don’t try to deny it, Rivers. You know it’s true.

5 You Play an Instrument Usually Only Found in Marching Bands
Chicks dig musicians. It’s true. But there’s a big difference between a dude who can play the guitar and a dude who plays the clarinet. If you play tuba, then forget about it. You might as well walk around with a ham sandwich and a tee-shit that says “I Heart to Fart.” Then again, who knows, you might be the first person to shoot to superstardom by rocking out on the oboe. But even then, you’d just be considered the Kenny G of the oboe and who wants that?

4 You Know Way Too Much About Comic Book Characters
It’s one thing to know who Batman or Superman is. If you don’t know who they are or who Spider-man is or some of the X-Men then honestly you’re just culturally retarded. But it’s quite another thing to know the names of all of Batman’s villains’ grandmothers or what color underwear Professor Xavier wears. Here’s a test – the character of Robin was based on a houseboy the original writer of Batman kept locked in a chest at the end of his bed. If you don’t know whether that’s true or not, then congratulations, you passed the test, you’re probably not a nerd. At least not because of comics. If you just read that and said something that started with “No, no, that’s not true. Robin is…” then I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you’re a nerd. Also, I may be mentally disturbed, but that’s beside the point and I’m sure you’ve figured that out already anyway.

3 You Enjoy Dressing Up Like Darth Vader and Tricking Sorority Girls Into Having Sex With You in a Moon Room Because They Think You’re Their Boyfriend, Stan Gable, the Quarterback of the Football Team and Not That Nerd Who Staged a Terrifying Panty Raid on Their Sorority House That One Time
Self-explanatory, really. Also, spoiler alert for Revenge of the Nerds. Sorry. Oh, and you’re also likely a sex criminal. Congratulations?

2 You Own Books by More Than One of the Following Authors: J.R.R. Tolkien, George R.R. Martin, Orson Scott Card, Robert Jordan and Steven Erikson
And you’re probably at least 1/2 to 3/4 nerd if you even know who most of those dudes are. And yes, I realize that I just implicated myself here, but let’s just move on. I don’t have to answer to you!

1 You’ve Never Actually Met the Majority of Your Friends
Yes, believe it or not, once upon a time people actually made friends by meeting them face to face and then they remained friends by getting together and doing things like going to the movies or going to the bar or the beach or beating that hobo who… oops, I may have said too much. But, really, if most of your friends are just screen names, and if when you think of them the first thing that pops into your head is a profile picture or an avatar, it’s probably time to accept one simple and undeniable truth: you are a nerd. But hey, that’s cool, at least this way you don’t have to pretend to listen or care when your friends are going on about crap that nobody cares about and… hey, where are you going?

Nerds are a valuable staple of our twisted self-culture, serving as punching bags for the elite and as loveable underdogs for the downtrodden. Sometimes, these nerds manage to break free of their geek chains (which they will be quick to tell you are made from Adamantium) and overcome the odds. It is these nerds who we gather here today to celebrate. Sure, they might not be able to throw a tight spiral forty yards down the field and they need an asthma inhaler to get through, well… through anything really but in the end these nine nerds serve as an inspiration to nerdlings everywhere. Sure, maybe that writer from Gizmodo still won’t date you, but what the hell, someone out there will. After all, these nerds managed to find love -– or at least a whole lot of money, which from what I understand is a kind of love. So buck up nerds, take heart, and follow the examples of these nine trailblazing nerds.

9 Chuck Bartowski
Chuck Bartowski’s a good looking guy. I’m secure enough in my sexuality to admit that. He’s tall, handsome, has a nice ass… too far? Anyway, even though he might not fit the physical profile of your stereotypical nerd, Chuck Bartowski’s not exactly Mr. Smooth. He’s most comfortable sitting around with his even dorkier friend, Morgan Grimes, playing video games and debating the minutiae that only a fanatical Star Wars geek can truly appreciate. But despite all that -– and thanks to a little help from a computer program uploaded into his brain… somehow –- Chuck manages to become both a world class spy and the love interest to a ridiculously hot blonde who knows how to kill a man 168 different ways. Cool job, hot girl by his side, the ability to kill bad guys using everything from Kung Fu to a paperclip –- yes, these qualify Chuck Bartowski as a nerd who, in the end, won.

8 Dennis Kucinich
Despite looking like a dude who should be ambushing unsuspecting travelers from his spot underneath a bridge in fairy tale after fairy tale, and despite the fact that the only ball he’s ever thrown is a fireball during one of his Dungeons and Dragons campaigns, Dennis Kucinich has managed to become not only a Congressman but an influential voice and leader of the American Left. But, honestly, his most noteworthy accomplishment –- and his most mindboggling considering, well, come on, just look at him -– was convincing that lady by his side in the picture there to not only talk to him but to marry him. I don’t know how he pulled it off –- some sort of special troll spell, claiming to have a pot of gold buried at the end of a rainbow somewhere, possessing a magic, uh, longsword -– but he did it, and that’s something no one can ever deny.

7 Lewis Skolnik
Perhaps the stereotypical nerd of the ‘80s, Lewis Skolnick spent most of his life stuck in a series of humiliating events along with his best buddy, the equally nerdy Gilbert Lowe. And after arriving on campus at Adams College, things went from bad to worse as Lewis was kicked out of his dorm, mercilessly harassed by a gang of heathen jocks, openly mocked by the girl of his dreams and forced to coexist with a gang of hopeless nerds who were even more pathetic than he was. So what’s he doing on this list? Well, Lewis Skolnick wasn’t about to take that shit lying down. He damn near lost his mind, staged a late night assault on a sorority house that probably should have gotten him tossed in prison for a while, terrorized the jocks who had harassed him and then boned his dream girl disguised as another dude in a moon room. (Helpful hint to nerds everywhere: don’t try this. Girls don’t really liked being pseudo-raped.) Somehow, this didn’t land him in prison for a long, long time but managed to convince everyone that nerds are okay after all and since his skills as a lover were deemed okay, his dream girl forgave his moon room assault and fell in love with him. Unlikely? Definitely. A tad offensive? Perhaps. But don’t tell Lewis Skolnick that. After all, he’ll get a gang of giant black fraternity brothers to show up and intimidate you by virtue of… of… I guess by virtue of being a gang of giant black dudes. (I know it was almost 30 years ago but how in the hell did Revenge of the Nerds ever get made?) You know what? On second thought, you’d probably be better off not following this particular example.

6 Ric Ocasek
Despite looking like a Muppet on heroin, Ric Ocasek managed to find success as the front man and guitar player for The Cars. And while that might not be a big deal all by itself -– I mean, it sort of seems like every other band from the ‘80s was fronted by a nerd, doesn’t it? –- what is a big deal is that this gawky looking weirdo, the son of a NASA computer analyst (How’s that for a nerd credential?) managed to stay relevant, first as a music producer and more impressively by somehow landing Paulina Porizkova, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue covergirl who launched a billion boners. Look, there are odd couples and then there is Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova. They are the patron saints of odd couples. I mean, sure, he’s a rock star, but… come on. But take heart, nerds, if nothing else this proves that when girls say they value personality over looks, well, sometimes they aren’t just bullshitting you.

5 Gary Wallace and Wyatt Donnelly
Hopelessly nerdy, pals Gary Wallace and Wyatt Donnelly seemed doomed to a life of being harassed at school by bullies and terrorized at home by Wyatt’s older brother, Chet. But since they are nerds, and as we all know, nerds love them some computer hijinks, the two manage to use their computer skills to somehow create the perfect woman. (Don’t ask me how. I assume they used the same technology Chuck Bartowski used to download the Intersect into his brain.) This digital sex goddess instantly gives the nerds some social credibility and it isn’t long before they’re hanging out at blues clubs, hosting wild parties that damn near look like orgies, staring down mutant biker gangs, humiliating their bullies and, of course, winning the hearts of the two, real live human girls they lust after. You know, just like how it usually happens in real life.

4 Mark Zuckerberg
The Social Network might as well have been the remake of Revenge of the Nerds. I mean, after all, the whole premise of the movie seemed to be that Mark Zuckerberg was sick of being just another programming nerd and decided cut a swath of destruction through his social world in route to building a castle made of money atop a giant mountain made of, well, money and the broken dreams of his friends/rivals. Of course, this was a fictionalized hyper-sensationalized depiction of the life of the real Mark Zuckerberg, who by various accounts seems to be neither vindictive nor status-obsessed. In fact, he’s just a genius who capitalized –- big time -– on an idea, which honestly is about as American a story as you can find. But, even if you take all the Iago-like plotting out of the Mark Zuckerberg story, what you’re left with is the story of a nerd (the last time I checked, mastering computer programming as a child not only marked you as a highly, highly gifted person but it also gave you a free pass into secret nerd societies everywhere ) who conquered the world. I mean, I doubt Mark Zuckerberg is sitting around outraged because a woman from Gizmodo didn’t like him, you know? Hell, Mark Zuckerberg could buy Gizmodo -– and everything else too, including that writer. (Hell, this writer too if he’s reading. I’m not too proud to pitch in if you need a new footrest/court jester, milord. Why, yes, I will take a check.) Sitting on top of almost 15 billion dollars tends to give you a lot of options. Oh, and it also pretty much automatically makes you one of life’s winners.

3 Steve Urkel
In real life, Steve Urkel would have been shot in a rage by Carl Winslow after one obnoxious antic too many. Or maybe he would have been beaten to death by Eddie or smothered in his sleep by his own parents or hauled off to prison after violating his beloved Laura’s restraining order yet again. But in the land of make believe, Steve Urkel managed to not only survive as the uber-nerd of the ‘90s, he managed to thrive, worming his way into the hearts of his neighbors, the Winslows, and even more shockingly, into the heart of Laura Winslow, who in the end accepted his marriage proposal even though she spent most of their time together professing her undying disgust for his unapologetically obnoxious nerd ways. The Steve Urkel story is the ultimate story of persistence -– creepy, unbelievable persistence, the kind that gets you put on certain lists, but persistence nonetheless, and in the end, you can’t deny that the guy got what he wanted all along, and I guess that makes him a winner.

2 Bill Gates
Perhaps nobody in these strange and terrible times epitomizes the story of the nerd made good more than Bill Gates. We all know the story -– the ubernerdy Gates dropped out of Harvard, armed with only his 9th Level Nerd Powers of computer programming and then managed to turn those powers into a little company called Microsoft, which he then parlayed into roughly a kajillion dollars and the title of Space Emperor of Jupiter. Okay, okay, fine, I’m exaggerating. He was actually named Vice-Regent of Mars, but still… pretty impressive, right? There is probably no nerd on the face of this planet who won the game of life as spectacularly as Bill Gates. He’s richer than Scrooge McDuck, he has a loving wife, the ear of virtually every powerful person on the planet and his influence can be seen and felt in every home and office in America. Hell, I’m writing this using Microsoft Word. Bill Gates won and Bill Gates won BIG.

1 Albert Einstein
The name Einstein is synonymous with the triumphant nerd. No name in history is as attached to the idea of pure brilliance as Einstein. He stands alone atop the world of the nerd. His face adorns posters on the walls of nerds everywhere. His wild hair and eccentricity are as iconic as the man’s brain. In other words, he is just as famous for being a nerd as he is for being a genius, and he is really, really fucking famous for both. He almost doesn’t exist as a real historical figure. He’s one of those dudes who seems almost more like a mythical creature than a man who was once living and breathing. I’d say that this is one nerd who did pretty damn well for himself, wouldn’t you? He may not have been as rich as Bill Gates or had as hot a wife as Ric Ocasek or had award winning movies made about his life like Mark Zuckerberg, but he’s Einstein. He’s Einstein. And that says it all right there, doesn’t it?

But during their drinks date, Bereznak found out the guy was Jon Finkel, a world champion “Magic: The Gathering” player.

Like most women, Bereznak was not so in love with the idea of dating a world champion “Magic: The Gathering” player. But she went on a second date with him to do more reconnaissance.

At dinner I got straight down to it. Did he still play? “Yes.” Strike one. How often? “I’m preparing for a tournament this weekend.” Strike two. Who did he hang out with? “I’ve met all my best friends through Magic.” Strike three. I smiled and nodded and listened. Eventually I even felt a little bit bad that I didn’t know shit about the game. Here was a guy who had dedicated a good chunk of his life to mastering Magic, on a date with a girl who can barely play Solitaire. This is what happens, I thought, when you leave things out of your online profile.

Commenters across the Internet, even on the Australian Gizmodo sister site, have called Bereznak everything from an asshole to a predator.

But what exactly did she do wrong? I learned a long time ago that airing personal stories on a largely read site can lead to no good, but beyond that, she’s only guilty of thinking the exact same thing any other woman would. Don’t believe me? Go up to a girl, any girl, and tell her you’re a “Magic: The Gathering” world champion within the first four sentences of your chat. I don’t care how great you are at witty banter, that makes you undesirable. Girls may like lots of odd characters, but a guy who collects cards that pretend to cast spells for a living with a bunch of other man-boys who reek of Cheeto dust tend not to fit the “desirable mate” vibe most women are looking for.

Either way, Bereznak’s biggest mistake was thinking that this was appropriate for Gizmodo readers. That’s like if I go on Cosmpolitan and expect the readers there to take my side when I recount my frustrations about trying to “oopsy” my way into anal. Haters gon’ hate.

UPDATE: Finkel himself is currently answering questions on Reddit about the experience. His summary was that he’s “creeped out” but “it was just one of those things where the conversation isnt [sic] really flowing.” He seems like a swell enough guy.

Granted, who am I to pick apart a show without ever having watched an episode but, A) Why all this enthusiasm? You knew he was going to be Superman. It’s like if I were watching an episode of “Pimp My Ride” then totally lost my shit when they unveiled the car had flame decals and TVs in inconvenient locations. Superman flying and wearing a shirt with an “S” on it is about as pedestrian as you can get. B) Why is the chick on the plane so calm? You may know Clark Kent, but clearly this guy in tights, a cape, and a blue shirt is someone entirely different. That’s always been the stupidity of Superman. And even if you know this random flying guy is the love of your life/regular hero, your plane was about to crash with the goddamn President on board. Not exactly the time for serenity.

I’d have rather seen an ending where Superman gets shot in the head by an 11-year-old kid in a convenience store. Now that’s storytelling.

Damn Bro!: ‘Smallville’ Finale Freakout Video [Geekologie]

But why? Glad you asked: it’s technically called, I believe, “multiple violations of Twitter’s terms of service.”

Most notably is the fact that Ubermedia’s product uses “Twitter” in the name, which makes the actual company named “Twitter” pretty upset.

But here’s the “official” statement from our bird overlords, via TechCrunch:

Today we suspended several applications, including UberTwitter, twidroyd and UberCurrent, which have violated Twitter policies and trademarks in a variety of ways. These violations include, but aren’t limited to, a privacy issue with private Direct Messages longer than 140 characters, trademark infringement, and changing the content of users’ Tweets in order to make money.

We’ve had conversations with UberMedia, the developer of these applications, about policy violations since April 2010, when they first launched under the name TweetUp – a term commonly used by Twitter users and a trademark violation. We continue to be in contact with UberMedia and hope that they will bring the suspended applications into compliance with our policies soon.

Of course, Twitter’s not nearly as upset as users, though; it’s not even worth your effort trying to load a search of “UberTwitter” in a Tweetdeck column, because the results speed by more quickly than Twitter crashes any time something major happens in the world. And if you do a quick Twitter search, you’re going to get about 3,000 new results cooked up by the time you actually get the page loaded.

The easy solution for you, dear UberTwitter user, is to just cave and get Twitter for iPhone, which is actually made by Twitter and therefor won’t be destroyed by our bird overlords.

The REALLY bad news about this is that Ubermedia — originally “Tweetup” then “Postup” before becoming “Uber” after buying “UberTwitter” to go along with Echofone and the like — just recently bought Tweetdeck too.

So there’s a chance that Twitter might try and kill off the application that actually makes it popular with a ton of people (instead of bothering to fix its own interface, you know).  If that happens, there will be as TechCrunch suggested, a war going down in the world of Twitter.

Which is slightly cooler than Dungeons and Dragons, I know, but still important for the millions of people who actually utilize the interface for their jobs and such.

The saddest part of all is that before I did a little research, it really didn’t seem that far fetched that a nerd like this guy could exist. I don’t get why men online think that a woman who: A) Plays computer games by herself and B) Does so online in a very nerd-active community would be dazzlingly attractive and worth the attention. You’d be more likely to run across an attractive woman in a Turkish bath house than you would in an online computer game. And you’d retain far more dignity.

Say what you will about the absurdity of that magazine cover (or how ungodly large that keyboard is), but there’s no doubting the raw sexual chemistry between the man and woman. A key sign to sexual synchronicity: When a woman seems to be growing a mustache as rich and lush as yours. Be still my aching loins.

Living the Life, Germany 1983 [Gizmodo]

This guy acting like a spoiled little boy is fun, sure. And if he could ever coerce an equally cool gal clad in braces and a Sailor Moon fetish back to his bachelor pad, I’m sure his serious rage issues wouldn’t creep up again. But my favorite part of the video by far is that this husky well-adjusted lad has taken a game which is at the heart meant to encourage physical activity is playing it using just buttons on his keyboard. Because let’s be honest, there’s no way with his level of physical fitness he was going to be able to stand around for 20 minutes, let alone shift his feet in a dancing motion. But on the plus side, his veallike physique would make him a perfect main course with a nice marsala. Mmmmm…whiny.

[via]

Note: Updates are probably going to be a little slow today due to real life stuff. Feel free to refresh often or find yourself some new barely legal porn; the pigtails say “I’m in high school” but the meth habit says “I’m an adult woman fully capable of bad decisions.”

This reminds me of a movie idea I had that I could never get greenlit. It was going to be like Revenge of the Nerds, but the inverse. Basically a group of jocks would go into the Mensa house, where all the Mensa people live and hang out and don’t get laid and then they’d have sex with one hot nerd girl (ideally not at the same time) and pull pranks on the nerds and sodomize them with their live action role-playing fake rapier. It would have been a drama.

Globe
Real Name: Hammond Carter
Most Likely to: Inappropriately touch an equator; Eat a hoagie

This villain made his debut in a comic earlier this year. You’d think that, in the year 2008, comics would have grown up a bit and been emboldened by new ideas over time, but you’d be sadly mistaken. According to his Wiki, Globe “plots crimes by latitude, longitude, time zones and the shape of landmasses.” Not going to lie, I’d totally embrace a movie with Globe, if only to find a bunch of Batman-loving nerds go there with high hopes, only to be met with a three-hour film largely chronicling the finer points of cartography.

Great White Shark
Real Name: Warren White (how convenient!)
Most Likely to: Make Richard Dreyfuss crap himself

Great White Shark’s origin story is so amazing, I’m not even going to rewrite it. Here’s the gist:

White is sentenced to Arkham Asylum indefinitely instead of prison. There, he suffers great indignities as the new inmate, or “fish.” His first cellmate is Death Rattle, a cult leader and mass murderer who plans to turn him into a human sacrifice. Early in his stay, Killer Croc slices a set of “gills” into White’s neck with his claws, claiming the “fish” needs a set. Realizing his mistake in pleading insanity, White bribes his psychiatrist, Dr. Anne Carver, into having him transferred to a minimum security prison in exchange for $20 million. However, Dr. Carver is revealed to have been killed and replaced some months before by the villainess Jane Doe. Her boss, Dr. Jeremiah Arkham, orders all of Dr. Carver’s papers filed by Jane Doe be destroyed, including the paperwork that would lead to White’s transfer. Dr. Arkham’s decision is heavily motivated by the loss of his own pension due to White’s corrupt business practices.

To survive the harassment and violence in Arkham, White allies himself with Two-Face, becoming his “coin boy,” but the relationship quickly ends when Death Rattle threatens him and Two-Face does nothing to help.

During a prison riot caused by the escape of a cadre of demons trapped underneath Arkham ED NOTE: Well, what other things do demons have to do other than cause prison riots, I suppose, White is assaulted and locked in Mr. Freeze’s subzero cell by Jane Doe. His injuries, the result of horrific frostbite, leave White deformed: his skin turns a pale white and his nose, lips, hair, and several of his fingers fall off. These deformities, along with his set of “gills,” leave him resembling a real great white shark.

So basically this guy was a white collar criminal who got bitched out by approximately 700 people and abandoned by everyone he aligned himself with. Batman probably wouldn’t even have to hit this guy. He could probably take a nap and Great White Shark would just die of loneliness or something.

Magpie
Real Name: Margaret Pye
Most Likely To: Own many cats; Die alone

Magpie is infamous for her desire to steal rare jewels named after birds and replace them with booby-trapped replicas. That’s a bit niched, no? I’m all for making it seem like you’re doing something, but you can’t call yourself a criminal and have that be your only crime. Even if you’re amazing at it, you’re affecting like five people on Earth. If Batman were the Supreme Court and all of these villains were cases, Magpie wouldn’t even be reviewed for selection. If Batman saw her doing her “crimes”, all while looking like an extra from a low-budget 80s hair band’s music video, he’d probably shrug his shoulders and go get a pizza.

Calendar Man
Real Name: Julian Day
Most Likely To: Commit a crime based on emulating a woman’s menstrual cycle

Calendar Man is widely considered one of the most worthless villains in any form, ever. IGN named him the Worst Batman Villain ever. Fans and even the characters in the comic books called him a douchebag, a joke, or both. He was so bad that when the writers of the Batman cartoon wanted to use anything remotely similar to his gimmick (that being he committed crimes based on the calendar, i.e. if it was Summer or Wednesday or Flag Day, I guess), they had to turn him into a hot chick with big boobs to make the modus operandi remotely interesting. Simply put, Calendar Man is an ASS.

Film Freak
Real Name: Burt Weston
Most Likely To: Imitate art imitating life

Film Freak is an actor who played villains in many films. Then he couldn’t act any more, so he decided to undertake crimes from movies. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to have rented “Two Girls One Cup” at any point before his untimely demise at the hands of roided-up monster villain Bane.

The Calculator
Real Name: Noah Kuttler (I swear, given everyone else’s names, I would have thought his name would be Cal Quelator…sigh)
Most Likely To: Receive wedgies from every member of the Justice League

What strikes fear into the citizens of Gotham? Math, apparently. According to his Wiki, Calculator’s creation stemmed from the high-tech new device of 1976, the pocket calculator. He’s apparently like a supergenius or whatever, but I can’t help but feel as though Batman could just hold up a nude woman to Calculator and he’d be confused, aroused, and paralyzed by fear. Which probably makes him even more relatable to all the people who’ll begin the countdown to the next Batman movie after seeing The Dark Knight.

[Many thanks to Comic Vine for the majority of the images and info]

Other links you may enjoy
-The top 15 Superhero girlfriends
-The nine hottest chicks of the Batman films
-An extremely perturbing Spiderman tattoo
-The Dark Knight trailer…sort of
-Your 2008 Superhero All-Stars