People who say “if something sounds too good to be true, then it probably is” need to be smacked right in the face with something heavy, because cliches are just an easy way to excuse yourself from critical thinking. And besides, even if something that sounds too good to ]]>

People who say “if something sounds too good to be true, then it probably is” need to be smacked right in the face with something heavy, because cliches are just an easy way to excuse yourself from critical thinking. And besides, even if something that sounds too good to be true may not be true, there is a small chance that the tale you’re hearing could be true. These criminal justice stories prove that the law of averages was made to be broken (and may or may not technically be a felony).

5 The Lebanese loop ATM scheme
ATM schemes have long been the target of meth addicts and crooks who think that all of life’s problems can be solved by tying it to the back of a Ford F150 pickup and driving around various random county roads. This scheme not only managed to snag thousands of credit cards and bank account numbers, but the spreading of its infamous story helped it become such a high profile crime.

The Lebanese Loop scheme consists of placing a plastic sleeve in an ATM card slot that prevents the machine from reading any cards. The schemer is actually waiting behind the victim and offers them help to retrieve their card by having them enter their PIN and press a special combination of buttons to make their story sound as if the same problem had happened to them. When the victim walks away thinking their card is safely stuck in the machine and will be retrieved by the bank, the schemer takes the card, enters the pin after watching the victim enter it and cleans out their bank account. Several victims tried to pass off their crime by sending emails to their friends, but most of them are passed off or deleted as so much forwarded spam along with so much racist jokes, meaningless chain mail and karmic prayers passed on by mothers with nothing better to do during the day than flood their children’s email in-boxes with pictures of kittens.

4 The crooks who called 911 on themselves
It’s easy to suck people’s attention in with stories of stupidity because it’s not hard to believe just how low the intelligence of some people can sink when they really put their minds to it… or don’t, technically. Then when you realize just how stupid some people can become, you sink into a deep depression, develop an extreme fear of humanity and start collecting teddy bears because even though they may not have souls, they cannot disappoint you in anyway.

For years, tales of crooks accidentally calling 911 on themselves have floated around the Internet with the steady tenacity of an Internet comedy troupe who just know they can make it to the big time if they can just turn their “Bear Fights a Baby” video into a viral gem. The sad part is that most of them are true. The calls range from various drug charges to burglars who accidentally dialed the police and gave police everything about their whereabouts, except for the style of ski-mask used to complete their caper. For instance, in October of 2004, a Florida woman accidentally dialed 911 as part of a wrong number and quickly hung up the phone and after police tracked the number as part of procedure, they discovered a meth lab in the woman’s house. Then in 2005 in Tennessee, two burglars didn’t even get to complete their crime when one accidentally dialed 911 on the cell phone in his pocket and police listened in on their conversation for more than 40 minutes about their upcoming heist, down to their intended target where police were waiting to pick them up for their incriminating “butt dial.”

By the way, the dude in the picture actually called 911 twice in the same day to tell them that he was hungry.

3 The corpse found in the carpet
Stories about college students failing to notice the obvious in everything from drunk driving checkpoints to bongs left in bags at airport security x-rays often get passed off as truth because, well, college students are easy to trick. They are technically adults but are on so many prescription and non-prescription narcotics floating through their bloodstream that just about any criminal could snag their wallet by dangling something shiny in their faces.

So a story about three Columbia University students failing to notice something as obvious as a badly decomposing body naturally sounds plausible because college students lack an abilities such as observance and maintaining their own regular hygienic practices. It just so happens that just such a thing happened. Three students found a discarded, rolled-up carpet on the sidewalk and thought it would look good in their dorm room so they lugged it back to their house. Only when they unrolled the thing did they discover they had actually been carrying the decaying corpse of a 20-year-old male with two bullet wounds in his head. More than likely, they still kept the carpet.

2 The streakers who had their car stolen
The concept of streaking never really struck me as an effective method of public anarchy because the people who do it are the last people anyone should ever see naked, and anyone who thinks it’s a victimless happening in criminal justice doesn’t understand the concept of gravity.

One story of fate and nature getting back at one of crime’s lumpiest acts has been surfacing across the Internet since 2004 about three streakers getting what they deserve sounded too good to be true in a world where the bad go unpunished, but in this case, it’s a reaffirming nugget of truth. Three very easily amused men entered a Denny’s restaurant in Spokane, Washington in 2004 wearing only a pair of shoes and hats and sprinted nude through the place before heading out into the clearly frigid cold night. The only problem is that when they got into the parking lot, the car they drove to the restaurant in wasn’t there. It turns out that one of the customers in the restaurant darted into the parking lot as the three men strut their stuff and drove off in their car, leaving them with no ride and no clothes.

1 The bank robbers’ thank-you note
Politeness is such a rarity these days and it’s a mystery why you can’t even get a simple “thank you” out of someone you just hold a door open for or prevented them from walking into the path of a runway dump truck. You don’t need to have a criminal justice degree to figure out that this is probably one of the single dumbest crimes ever committed.

One urban legend rounded the Internet attempted to correct this simple mannerism in the form of a story of a couple of robbers who gave one of their victims a “thank you” note and it would have worked if the people being polite weren’t armed criminals. One of the biggest bank heists in Japanese history actually ended with a very polite note from the very same people who knocked it over that read “Thank you very much for the bonus. We can live on this loot for life.”

A reporter for KING 5 in Seattle was doing a live shot at Goodwill’s annual designer shopping event when she ran into a man whose declaration of love for sequins is competing with drunk lady hitting a school bus for “Viral Local News Clip of the Day.”

Robot attacks are a serious and real threat, as evidenced by this situation happening in the background of a BBC live report.

I can only presume that off-camera, the reporter was violently assaulted and anally probed. That seems to be the robots’ M.O. Or at least the M.O. of ]]>

Robot attacks are a serious and real threat, as evidenced by this situation happening in the background of a BBC live report.

I can only presume that off-camera, the reporter was violently assaulted and anally probed. That seems to be the robots’ M.O. Or at least the M.O. of guys in shoddily made robot costumes. Fall for a fake pneumatic robot penis once, shame on you…fall for a fake pneumatic robot penis twice, shame on me.

An elderly woman in Phoenix had cataract surgery last year and, as part of her routine, required some eyedrops. Unfortunately, her superglue was a little too close by and, well, you can guess where things went from there. With her weakened vision, Irmgard Holm grabbed the ]]>

An elderly woman in Phoenix had cataract surgery last year and, as part of her routine, required some eyedrops. Unfortunately, her superglue was a little too close by and, well, you can guess where things went from there.

With her weakened vision, Irmgard Holm grabbed the superglue and squirted some in her eye. Though the burning immediately tipped Holm off that she grabbed the wrong bottle, she was unable to wash the glue out in time; her eye had been glued closed.

Holm told Fox Phoenix, “The bottles are identical and I am not young anymore, but I am not senile.”

Paramedics had to cut the glue out in order to open Holm’s eyes, but they were able to do that and wash the substance out before any serious damage could be done.

The Food and Drug Administration will be speaking to Holm about the incident. Holm hopes to help shed light on the problem of similar bottle sizes for eye drops and superglue. While her cause may sound ridiculous, there have been several reported superglue-meets-eye incidents involving other people in the past.

So, see? This can happen to you. Especially if you’re like me and you keep your superglue in eyedrops in a special drawer with the labels cut off. It’s like placebo testing combined with Russian Roulette and conveniently located in my arsenic and baby powder drawer. And then I celebrate with a refreshing beverage from the shelf in my fridge that contains both unmarked vanilla yogurt and hobo cum. Refreshing.

Woman Mistakes Superglue for Eyedrops [My Fox Phoenix]

I imagine that dressing up as the mascot of a restaurant is probably one of the least fun jobs in the food service industry and that’s why it pains me to see Suzie Pancake get roughed up by a thug, right outside her own IHOP.

Somewhere ]]>

I imagine that dressing up as the mascot of a restaurant is probably one of the least fun jobs in the food service industry and that’s why it pains me to see Suzie Pancake get roughed up by a thug, right outside her own IHOP.

Somewhere Aunt Jemima is probably shaking her head and cursing the scumbags that commit pancake violence.

A 19-year-old woman dressed in the pancake suit was outside the IHOP, waving at passers-by, when 22-year-old James Manas approached her and began yelling at her and hitting the suit with his hand, Bellingham Police spokesman Mark Young said.

Even if you aren’t a fan of breakfast or are staunchly Team Waffle House, this is just the lowest of the low when it comes to harassment. The poor girl in the suit was probably hot, uncomfortable and woke up in the morning desiring a more fulfilling task than standing outside a IHOP with a pancake suit on, but she put on a brave face — only to have some idiot walking to the bus stop knock her around a little bit.

Manas told police he had only been joking, and that he did not hit the pancake, Young said.

What a douche. I hope this guy gets thrown in prison just so he can gain some perspective on what a horrible human being he is. There should be a reality show filming losers like this having to call a lawyer to see if they’ll defend him in a court of law for assaulting a breakfast item. If you ever have to ever utter the words, “I didn’t hit that pancake, officer…” you probably suck at life.

IHOP mascot Suzie Pancake assaulted at Bellingham restaurant [Bellingham Herald]

The Guiness Book of World Records is littered with some incredible human feats. Men pulling planes with their teeth and people holding their breath for long periods of time just to name a few. There’s also a portion of the record books that’s borderline absurd. Things like largest ]]>

The Guiness Book of World Records is littered with some incredible human feats. Men pulling planes with their teeth and people holding their breath for long periods of time just to name a few. There’s also a portion of the record books that’s borderline absurd. Things like largest containers of body cream, strongest vaginas, people eating cockroaches and now, donning a ridiculous amount of underwear.

Please meet 10-year-old Jack Singer and his amazingly weird parents. For Jack’s 10th birthday, he wanted to break the record of wearing 200 pairs of underwear. For good measure, good ol Jack threw on 215. I’m thinking the record will be safe for quite some time.

In the Singers’ family defense, they did ask for donations instead of birthday gifts. The donations were for a Marine who was injured in the Iraq war. I just hope the whitey tighties weren’t part of the donation for the veteran. I can’t imagine 215 pairs of boys’ underwear is something he finds enjoyable. That is, unless he’s an active member of NAMBLA. Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?

News in Briefs: Boy Dons 215 Pairs of Underwear to Set New Record {AOL}

Confirming the jokes of a million people across the Internet, well-known anti-gay legislator and California state senator Roy Ashburn, a Republican, was arrested for driving. The juicy part? He was allegedly exiting a gay nightclub. Probably just giving them a stern talking to! Or handies! Maybe both!

Sources tell ]]>

Confirming the jokes of a million people across the Internet, well-known anti-gay legislator and California state senator Roy Ashburn, a Republican, was arrested for driving. The juicy part? He was allegedly exiting a gay nightclub. Probably just giving them a stern talking to! Or handies! Maybe both!

Sources tell CBS13 a state senator from Southern California was arrested for allegedly driving drunk after leaving Faces, a gay nightclub in midtown Sacramento, early Wednesday morning.

The California Highway Patrol pulled over Senator Roy Ashburn at 2:00 a.m. Wednesday after an officer noticed a black Chevy Tahoe swerving at 13th and L Streets.

Ashburn, a father of four, is a Republican Senator representing parts of Kern, Tulare and San Bernardino Counties with a history of opposing gay rights

When the officer stopped the state-issued vehicle, the driver identified himself as Senator Ashburn. He was arrested without incident and charged with two misdemeanors: driving under the influence and driving with a blood alcohol level higher than .08% or higher.

A male passenger, who was not identified as a lawmaker, was also in the car but was not detained.

And his “Oopsidoodle” statement in response to the allegations:

“I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct and am prepared to accept the consequences for what I did. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me – my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues in the Senate.”

Well, that’s a career breaker. It’s always fun to see one of these people revealed for the hypocrites we always think they are, but still, that can’t be fun for his family. Could you imagine being his poor wife? She’ll have to endure the disgusted stares of the masses for the rest of her life. And now she’ll never know if the reason his chest reeked of bleach was due to her overusage of Clorox on the laundry or if it was because Ramon from Faces was very generous with his love.

Anti-Gay Lawmaker At Gay Club Before DUI Arrest [CBS13]

In the annals of the Internet, you can find a lot of terrible and mind-boggling things. But good luck topping this one: A 20-year-old in Florida was charged with having sex over 20 times with an 87-year-old relative who suffers from dementia.

A 20-year-old man told investigators he has ]]>

In the annals of the Internet, you can find a lot of terrible and mind-boggling things. But good luck topping this one: A 20-year-old in Florida was charged with having sex over 20 times with an 87-year-old relative who suffers from dementia.

A 20-year-old man told investigators he has had sex repeatedly with an elderly relative before he was caught, according to the Indian River County Sheriff’s Office.

Garrett Andrew Douglas of Vero Beach was charged with incest and attempted sexual battery on a mentally defective victim. He was being held at the Indian River County Jail in lieu of $15,000 bail.

Douglas was caught naked and on top of the 87-year-old relative in her room on Dec. 29, according to the arrest affidavit. The woman suffers from dementia, family members told detectives. Douglas told the Sheriff’s Office he’s had sex with the relative 20 times in the last eight years, the affidavit said.

Reports have yet to indicate what relative the woman is to Douglas but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that no matter where they each fall on the family tree, this probably isn’t going to end up with everyone going, “Oh, no, it’s totally cool; they were just third cousins.”

Well, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t possibly rebound from these accusations. I’m all for people reentering society after serving jail time after being rehabilitated with their debt to society having been paid. But after you get caught naked atop an 87-year-old relative with a mental illness having “had sex” with her tens of times, there’s not a whole lot of hope for becoming a doctor or a politician. Unless you’re running for Mayor of the Shady Groves Retirement home. While you might not agree with Douglas’s methods, he is uniquely qualified to service the community.

[TC Palm]

Typically when you find a nude woman in your daily travels, it’s a good day (assuming you don’t work at Jack’s Emporium of Crazy Fat Naked Ladies). But apparently it is possible to completely ruin the sexiness of a naked woman in your yard by having her screaming, wielding a ]]>

Typically when you find a nude woman in your daily travels, it’s a good day (assuming you don’t work at Jack’s Emporium of Crazy Fat Naked Ladies). But apparently it is possible to completely ruin the sexiness of a naked woman in your yard by having her screaming, wielding a sword.

Police take a woman into custody after they claim she was found holding a sword in a threatening manner.

They say it happened on West Johnson Street in River Falls Sunday morning. Officers say the woman was nude, holding the sword and was screaming. She was taken into custody and then moved to a medical facility.

I’m sure there’s a logical reason for this. Maybe she just had to fight off a hoard of zombies. Or maybe she just wanted to take a leisurely morning walk in the nude with her most favorite sword. People are too quick to judge others as having poor intentions. Just because someone walks over in the nude violently swinging a sword doesn’t mean that they’re a threat. That could just be how she says, “Hello” or “Pardon me neighbor, but do you have any sugar?” Here in America, we’re supposed to respect people’s personal differences, whether it be race, creed, or tendency to walk around butt naked swinging a sword. It’s no worse than Scientology.

[WQOW, Image Credit]

At least, that’s the impression you can take from this video from the UK in which some thugs try to attack two guys in drag, only to find out that the presumed-trannies were actually cagefighters. Guy-dressed-like-girl power!

Two thugs who attacked what they thought were a pair of transvestites ]]>

At least, that’s the impression you can take from this video from the UK in which some thugs try to attack two guys in drag, only to find out that the presumed-trannies were actually cagefighters. Guy-dressed-like-girl power!

Two thugs who attacked what they thought were a pair of transvestites picked on the wrong men – when their intended victims turned out to be cage fighters on a night out in fancy dress.

Bare-chested Gardener was caught on CCTV confronting one of the men in a pink wig, black skirt and boob tube – then seen swinging a punch, a court heard.

But the other cage fighter, wearing a sparkling black dress and matching long wig, sprang to his friend’s help, delivering two lightning-quick punches to the two stunned yobs.

The cage fighters were then seen teetering away in their high heels, stopping only to pick up a clutch bag they dropped during the melee.

Gardener and Fender were left dazed and seen staggering to their feet after their failed attack.

This is why people need to all learn just a bit more about tolerance. Just because a man likes to dress up like a lady doesn’t make him an easier victim. This is why I solely advocate punching old women in the sternum if you want to rob someone. But only if you’re sure they’re a woman! Can’t stress that enough.

That said, even if a guy is in a dress, you shouldn’t just assume he’s an easy target. These dudes look like 6’2 and 220…just because a guy has his penis tucked away into his rectum doesn’t mean that he can’t spin around and knock you in the face with a big meaty fist. It also doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good kisser. One can only hope you don’t learn both these lessons in the same night.

[Daily Mail]

Any time I read a story that says “mythical lesbian town,” I usually wake up with sheets that look like they were doused in baby formula. But apparently this is an actual story…the Chinese media thinks that Sweden has a town inhabited by women where men are barred and sapphic ]]>

Any time I read a story that says “mythical lesbian town,” I usually wake up with sheets that look like they were doused in baby formula. But apparently this is an actual story…the Chinese media thinks that Sweden has a town inhabited by women where men are barred and sapphic desires are inflamed.

A mythical Swedish town where men are barred from entering and women turn to homosexuality has piqued the interest of several Chinese media outlets.

The town, supposedly founded in 1820 in the northern Swedish woods by a wealthy widow, boasts 25,000 residents and a medieval castle, according to the Chinese news agency Xinhua.

A pair of blonde female sentries stand guard at the unnamed town, referred to in reports as “Chako Paul City”, and men wishing to enter risk being “beaten half to death” by police.

In addition, many of the town’s female residents turn to homosexuality “because they could not suppress their sexual needs”, the Chinese news service Harbin News reports.

But Claes Bertilson, a spokesperson for Sweden’s Association of Local Authorities and Regions (SALAR), is doubtful about the claims made by the Chinese media about Sweden’s supposed “women-only” town.

“I’ve never heard anything about it,” he told The Local.

“At 25,000 residents, the town would be one of the largest in northern Sweden, and I find it hard to believe that you could keep something like that a secret for more than 150 years.”

It’s an interesting story (though lacking in pictures), so I recommend checking it out.

For example:

Accuracy aside, the Chinese press reports provide a plethora of titillating details about life in the mythical Swedish town.

Most of the town’s all-female population is employed in the forestry industry, with many sporting a “thick waist belt full of woodworking equipment”, according to Xinhua.

Well of course a town full of lesbians is going to be big on wood-working. The two big industries in a town of lesbians would be, I presume, wood-working and pants suit sales. Haircutting would be a bigger industry if they didn’t just use an electric razor or a salad shooter to make the vintage lesbian pixie cut.

With all that in mind about how lovely it would be in theory for a town of women making love to each other, in practical application, it might not turn out so well. A town full of women who PMS during the same timeframe every month who have an ingrained sense of hatred for men and a series of saws and sharp objects to pare down trees? That’s an open invitation to end up with your genitals being sliced off while some chick in flannel yells “Kali Maaaaaaaaa.”

[The Local]

Being a doctor comes with a lot of responsibility. You have to save lives or at least help people in some tangible way. Or you could buy a lot of drugs, give people bad plastic surgery, and “forcibly kiss” a patient. Either/or is probably fine.

[Dr. Harrell Edward] Robinson ]]>

Being a doctor comes with a lot of responsibility. You have to save lives or at least help people in some tangible way. Or you could buy a lot of drugs, give people bad plastic surgery, and “forcibly kiss” a patient. Either/or is probably fine.

[Dr. Harrell Edward] Robinson was accused of illegally purchasing large amounts of hydrocodone, a potentially addictive painkiller, and selling the drugs to a Santa Ana clinic for $10,000 a month, according to the state Medical Board’s legal documents.

Dr. Harrell Edward Robinson, a head and neck surgeon, was also accused of performing a facelift and liposuction on a patient who wanted a tummy tuck. He is accused of later borrowing money from the patient and forcibly kissing her, according to legal documents.

In treatment of a different patient, the medical board documents alleged that Robinson replaced a woman’s breast implants and later performed a breast lift. A month later, she was admitted to the hospital with an exposed implant visible at the base of an open wound.

Robinson’s attorney David Kalifon of Los Angeles could not be reached for comment.

One of Robinson’s former patients, Michele Fernandez, 32, of Hemet said he gave her breast implants and a breast lift. She said she has had two infections, one implant is deflating, and her nipple looks like “a rat chewed it.”

“I regret it. I’ve had nothing but problems,” Fernandez said. “I think it’s a good thing because hopefully nobody else will go through what I did.”

Let me clarify for this poor woman who’s clearly suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder…it’s never a good thing when your “nipple looks like a rat chewed it.” Unless you’re going to a Halloween party in a couple’s costume as April O’Neil with your boyfriend going as Splinter. Then, kudos to you on going that extra mile.

But yeah, this is pretty much a how-to on how to be a crappy doctor. The part that I really found entertaining was how he allegedly “forcibly kissed” a patient, but also borrowed money from her. I would hope he borrowed the money first. Otherwise, man, the patient really should have done a better job at drawing up a loan repayment contract. Forcible kissing is hardly a substitute for interest, or so Bank of America tells me.

[OC Register]

Ever think about having kids? WELL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP. Look no further than this 11 year-old who, at 3 in the morning, got into a 50 mile high speed chase with police. Oh yeah, and he was drunk.

Wyoming police say an 11-year-old ]]>

Ever think about having kids? WELL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP. Look no further than this 11 year-old who, at 3 in the morning, got into a 50 mile high speed chase with police. Oh yeah, and he was drunk.

Wyoming police say an 11-year-old boy driving a large SUV led officers on a high speed chase reaching speeds of 100 mph.

Bureau of Indian Affairs police say the chase started about 3 a.m. Tuesday near Riverton in central Wyoming and ended about 50 miles away near Crowheart on the Wind River Reservation.

The boy ditched the vehicle and jumped into a lake and began swimming but returned to shore where police collared him.

BIA Special Agent in Charge Charles Addington says that alcohol was involved and that charges were pending in juvenile court.

Now the thing is, I’m sure his parents are terrible…you don’t end up as an 11 year-old acting like Thelma and Louise if they’re keeping a close eye on you and bringing you to soccer practice. But how much can you do when your kid clearly has so much Inner Asshole? Some kids are just born to be white trash dicks. You can’t teach a dog to do calculus. Especially if he’s drunk and getting into high-speed car chases. Probably hard to schedule him for calculus lessons since he’s got such a full schedule.

[Fox News]

Divorce is an ugly ugly situation. Unless you’re a judge who needs to get off, then, by all means. Such is the case with Judge Kevin Moriarty, a Kansas judge who allegedly started whacking it after asking a couple getting divorced about the wife’s underwear and sex life.

Divorce is an ugly ugly situation. Unless you’re a judge who needs to get off, then, by all means. Such is the case with Judge Kevin Moriarty, a Kansas judge who allegedly started whacking it after asking a couple getting divorced about the wife’s underwear and sex life.

A district court judge appeared to be masturbating and used foul language during a divorce mediation, an attorney claims in Federal Court. The attorney claims Judge Kevin P. Moriarty’s actions were so offensive even her estranged husband complained about it during their divorce trial.

Kimberly Ireland claims that while mediating, Judge Kevin P. Moriarty tried to discuss her underwear and her sex life, though neither was relevant to the divorce matter. And she claims that “Moriarty appeared to be masturbating during the mediation.”

Ireland says that Moriarty’s actions were so outrageous that her estranged husband Kevin testified about them at the divorce trial.

Well maybe she shouldn’t have been leading the poor judge on so much. All this talk about “alimony” and “legal separation” clearly brought the innocent judge to a dirty place. If you didn’t want strange men to be beating off in your presence, maybe you shouldn’t be trying to be single? That’s pretty much step #1 in Chris’s Big Book of Courtship. Step #2: Getting her to lift the restraining order.

Update: An angry reader sent along this article from KCTV in Kansas City which features Moriarty’s rebuttal. Who to believe? I’d be inclined to think that a Judge who passed the bar in any state probably didn’t start beating off in a mediation case. But at the same time, it is very funny to think that he did. So you can see my dilemma.

In a letter written to the commission, Moriarty said:

“I can assure you at no time was I ever acting in the role of a judge, using profanity repeatedly, directing the word f— to her, discussing her sex life or her panties, or in any way intentionally intimidating her or attempting to sexually harass her. For her to say ‘the majority of the time we were in the courtroom, it appeared as if judge Moriarty was masturbating under the bench,’ is a complete lie.”

Moriarty also said in the letter that he believed her reasons for making the claims were to embarrass and humiliate him. And he believes the reasons were more the work of her law partner, Aaron McKee, who has said has appeared before him numerous times.

The chief judge spoke on behalf of Moriarty who did not wish to comment.

“To give these outrageous allegations against a well respected judge on the 10th Judicial bench any notoriety is a severe disservice to the judge,” the chief judge said.

[Courthouse News]

What you’re seeing is a map of the US as marked by distance to the nearest McDonald’s. The furthest distance you can be from a McDonald’s is 107 miles. Which is convenient if Ronald McDonald is stalking you, but somewhat perturbing all the same.

Man, with ]]>

What you’re seeing is a map of the US as marked by distance to the nearest McDonald’s. The furthest distance you can be from a McDonald’s is 107 miles. Which is convenient if Ronald McDonald is stalking you, but somewhat perturbing all the same.

Man, with all these McDonald’s everywhere, it’s pretty amazing that Americans are so in shape in record numbers. Then again, it might be all those delicious and nutritious meals at McDonald’s. A doctor once told me that fried potatoes are pretty much the most important part of the food pyramid, but that The Man wanted to keep that a secret from you so you didn’t get too powerful. Some might say he didn’t seem like a doctor, but he did often cup my balls and ask me to cough, so I have no reason to doubt his judgment.

[Wired]

I think we can agree that Adolf Hitler was kind of a meanie (sorry for such harsh language). Well, bad news…you know how we all thought he committed suicide in his bunker? Yeah, might not be true. The skull they found was DNA tested and, spoiler alert, it wasn’t Hitler. ]]>

I think we can agree that Adolf Hitler was kind of a meanie (sorry for such harsh language). Well, bad news…you know how we all thought he committed suicide in his bunker? Yeah, might not be true. The skull they found was DNA tested and, spoiler alert, it wasn’t Hitler.

ADOLF Hitler may not have died in a bunker after fresh research suggests the skull thought to be the tyrant’s was from a woman.

US archaeologist Nick Bellantoni found fragments from the skull believed to be Hitler’s were too thin to be from a male, and suspected it was the remains of a much younger woman, The Sun reports.

“The bone seemed very thin – male bone tends to be more robust. It corresponds to a woman between the ages of 20 and 40,” Dr Bellantoni said.

DNA tests performed in a US laboratory confirmed the remains could not have belonged to the Nazi leader.

The discovery casts doubt on the exact circumstances of Hitler’s death and could force history books to be rewritten.

Looks like Inglourious Basterds may not have been such an outlandish fantasy revenge film as it initially appeared. I look forward to my future children learning about the trials and tribulations of BJ Novak in their social science classes.

In related news, happy Yom Kippur everyone! What better time is there for such news to be revealed? Maybe Mr. Bellantoni wants to also make the day even better for the Jews by telling them that Chinese food isn’t kosher, or that Woody Allen’s real name is Jack Hellerstein. You’re very cruel, sir.

[News.com.au]

In spite of their cool demeanors, pilots are people with feelings too. And as people with feelings, sometimes they drop propaganda from an airplane to insinuate that their ex-girlfriend is a racial epithet whore. So relatable!

A California man was arrested on suspicion of stalking after ]]>

In spite of their cool demeanors, pilots are people with feelings too. And as people with feelings, sometimes they drop propaganda from an airplane to insinuate that their ex-girlfriend is a racial epithet whore. So relatable!

A California man was arrested on suspicion of stalking after he allegedly used his airplane to violate a restraining order by buzzing a neighborhood, police said Thursday.

In recent weeks, Concord, California, police were investigating an incident in which leaflets were dropped over a residential neighborhood, possibly by a low-flying airplane, police said in a statement.

“The leaflets referenced a specific person and contained defamatory language and racial slurs. As the investigation has progressed, it appears that the motivation behind this situation is a failed domestic relationship,” the statement read.

The investigation led to the identification of a possible suspect, a 51-year-old licensed pilot. Concord police served the man with a restraining order on Wednesday, the statement said.

Sounds more like antiganda to me! *looks around for approval* Oh. Oh that wasn’t good. Right.

Women really get men to do crazy things, but I really have to wonder how good a woman is in her, um, relationship duties that a man would release leaflets from a plane after he couldn’t have her. I’ve been with some talented ladies in my time, but at most I’ve considered sending the girl’s family a birthday cake with the text “Congratulations! …on raising such a fine whore of a daughter!”

…it was a big cake.

[CNN]

Truckdriving seems difficult enough to do on its own. Given that, I can’t imagine ramping up the degree of difficulty by pleasuring yourself while driving, as was the case with one German truck driver who whacked away even after the police got there. Classy.

A German ]]>

Truckdriving seems difficult enough to do on its own. Given that, I can’t imagine ramping up the degree of difficulty by pleasuring yourself while driving, as was the case with one German truck driver who whacked away even after the police got there. Classy.

A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs crashed his vehicle near Borås in western Sweden on Tuesday. He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident.

The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation, according to the local Borås Tidning newspaper.

“He was masturbating while the police interrogated him,” police prosecutor Åsa Askenbäck told the newspaper.

“He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road.”

I think we’ve all been there…you know that point where you’re trying to take care of business, but can’t find the right thing to get off to, so it ends up becoming an hour long affair of you determined to get it done since you’ve come so far (so to speak). If the police wanted him to stop, they probably should have talked dirty to him a little more. Or played with his nipples. Not being able to get off is like a perpetual motion machine.

[TheLocal]

New Jersey apparently has no laws against bestiality, so one cop thought it’d be cool to let some calves suckle on his johnson. Apparently that wasn’t “okay” according to the man, since he got charged with animal cruelty. But don’t worry, cow blowjob-lovers…he got off scot free!

New Jersey apparently has no laws against bestiality, so one cop thought it’d be cool to let some calves suckle on his johnson. Apparently that wasn’t “okay” according to the man, since he got charged with animal cruelty. But don’t worry, cow blowjob-lovers…he got off scot free!

If animals could talk, a few cows in Burlington County might ask state legislators to hurry up and outlaw bestiality.

During a bizarre hearing there yesterday, a Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn’t infer whether the cows had been “tormented” or “puzzled” by the situation or even irritated that they’d been duped out of a meal.

“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,’ ” Judge James J. Morley asked.

Morley said it was questionable whether Melia’s alleged crimes against cows, although “disgusting,” fit the definitions in the animal-cruelty statute.

“I’m not saying it’s OK,” Morley said. “This is a legal question for me. It’s not a questions of morals. It’s not a question of hygiene. It’s not a question of how people should conduct themselves.”

The judge should also mention that it seems only fair that after we milk cows dry for centuries, we should probably return the favor every now and then. That’s just what you do in a civilized society, you know?

Sure this ruling may sound crazy, mostly because it is, but at the same time, maybe this is a step forward for human/cow relations. Think about it…the first guy who walked up to a cow’s teat and went “Man, bet that’d be tasty. And finally, my Lucky Charms won’t takes like sawdust and clown makeup,” I bet everyone thought he was crazy too. Plus, this way, someone had an orgasm. Everyone wins. Oh, except the cows. They have to take the walk of shame back to their pasture. Sorry cows.

[Philly]

People say we don’t hear enough about how genuinely terrible war is. I disagree. War sucks, I have friends and beloved readers who have served/are serving..not fun. So how about the brighter side of war…like women in the Swedish military busting through their bras since they’re so cheaply made. Hooray! ]]>

People say we don’t hear enough about how genuinely terrible war is. I disagree. War sucks, I have friends and beloved readers who have served/are serving..not fun. So how about the brighter side of war…like women in the Swedish military busting through their bras since they’re so cheaply made. Hooray!

“Oh no, how will I protect our country now? Perhaps some baby oil will allow me to fight better.”

The Swedish armed forces have been hit by a major equipment problem, according to reports. Flimsy military brassieres are unable to stand up to the strains imposed when female Swedish troops perform “rigorous exercises”, routinely bursting open or even catching fire – so forcing busty young conscripts to hurriedly strip off in the field.

The women complained that the bras’ fasteners have a tendency to come undone when the women performed rigorous exercise, forcing the female soldiers to take off all of their equipment in order to refasten the brassieres.

I’ve seen Swedish girls. If we were going to war with Sweden and they started to undress to fix their bra, I’m pretty sure the war would end. No love of God or country would allow me to harm something so foxy in the process of disrobing. There may be a blast in the face of some variety though.

Less sexy:

The Post apparently brought the related bosom-combustion issue to light, noting that bras can catch fire during combat and then “melt onto conscripts’ skin”.

“Our opinion is that the Swedish Armed Forces should have ordered good, flame-proof underwear,” [Council spokesperson Paulina Rehbinder] said.

The horror! Melding bras to women’s skin? It’s like all of my worst nightmares have become reality. Typically, women prefer to keep bras firmly attached to their skin around me BY CHOICE. That’s what we’re fighting for! God Bless Ameri…er…Sweden.

[The Register]