The Miami Heat escaped their Eastern Conference semifinals scrap with the Indiana Pacers with relative ease last night. But the Heat’s best player, LeBron James, met an unexpected rival: An inflatable pink flamingo.

Photo Credit: SB Nation

Easily the best NBA Playoffs performance from a flightless ]]>

The Miami Heat escaped their Eastern Conference semifinals scrap with the Indiana Pacers with relative ease last night. But the Heat’s best player, LeBron James, met an unexpected rival: An inflatable pink flamingo.

Photo Credit: SB Nation

Easily the best NBA Playoffs performance from a flightless bird since the glory days of Rik Smits.

Bill Clinton may not have been aware that the women taking this photo with him are adult film stars Tasha Reign and Brooklyn Lee. But then again, maybe he specifically requested it! I guess we’ll never know.

Photo Credit: @brooklynleexxx

The next tweet ]]>

Bill Clinton may not have been aware that the women taking this photo with him are adult film stars Tasha Reign and Brooklyn Lee. But then again, maybe he specifically requested it! I guess we’ll never know.

Photo Credit: @brooklynleexxx

The next tweet on Lee’s timeline says:

“Photo: @brooklynleexxx and her first #MrAnal. Check out this pic of her sexy *** before it gets pounded!”

What a perfect juxtaposition.

Sarah Burge, known as a “Human Barbie,” previously made headlines for giving her seven-year-old daughter a coupon for future breast implants. Anderson Cooper had her on his show to discuss and, finally, had enough of her nonsense.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every ]]>

Sarah Burge, known as a “Human Barbie,” previously made headlines for giving her seven-year-old daughter a coupon for future breast implants. Anderson Cooper had her on his show to discuss and, finally, had enough of her nonsense.

Oh, if I had a dollar for every argument I’ve had that began discussing whether you can see Beyonce sweat on stage or not, I’d have at least $3,981,362 dollars.

That said, the effectiveness of his stand against Burge’s seemingly terrible parenting was highly limited by Anderson looking disgusted while walking away and muttering, “You actually do see Beyonce sweating on stage.” Not necessarily his most poignant moment.

As part of an anonymous donation to Stanford University, the offensive coordinator will now forever be tied with Andrew Luck. And the new title sounds kind of ridiculous.

According to a press release issued by Stanford today, the offensive coordinator position will now ]]>

As part of an anonymous donation to Stanford University, the offensive coordinator will now forever be tied with Andrew Luck. And the new title sounds kind of ridiculous.

According to a press release issued by Stanford today, the offensive coordinator position will now be known as the Andrew Luck Director of Offense.

“It is a huge tribute,” said Luck in a quote issued in the press release. “To have anything endowed in my name is a complete honor. I feel very fortunate to have come to Stanford, and I have always enjoyed representing the University. The offensive coordinators I’ve had here helped me not only in football, but also to grow so much as a person. To be a part of that leadership and position is a very proud legacy for me.”

The first Andrew Luck Director of Offense will be Pep Hamilton. Hamilton was hired as offensive coordinator last year after coach Jim Harbaugh moved to the NFL’s San Francisco 49ers.

Naming positions via endowment isn’t new at Stanford; the title of head coach, currently held by David Shaw, is referred to internally as the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football.

Here’s hoping a fan of the Indianapolis Colts makes Luck feel at home on his new team by endowing the position of quarterback as “The Peyton Manning Director of Throwing a Football Exceedingly Well to Compensate for Your Team’s Overall Mediocrity.” What it lacks in brevity it more than makes up for in poignancy.

In this clip from ‘Today in Amarillo’ (which is surely a non-stop thrill ride of news), a video is shown of a Polish man “conducting an experiment” that had him covered with 30,000 bees. It’s quite a sight to bee-hold. *slaps knee

I’m glad the anchor gave that “Don’t try ]]>

In this clip from ‘Today in Amarillo’ (which is surely a non-stop thrill ride of news), a video is shown of a Polish man “conducting an experiment” that had him covered with 30,000 bees. It’s quite a sight to bee-hold. *slaps knee

I’m glad the anchor gave that “Don’t try this at home” warning. Because otherwise, I’d have absolutely gone to my ol’ “Myriad of Bees” box and dumped it over my head like a Gatorade bath at the Super Bowl.

Only two bee stings, though? There’s a Polish joke there I’ll leave you to concoct in your notepad.

Facebook began trading on the NASDAQ today, marking one of the biggest initial public offerings in history. Naturally, Facebook users are talking about this historic event in their inimitable way. Here are some of the VERY IMPORTANT things being discussed on Facebook about the IPO.

Bill Wisth went to restaurant Chuck’s Place for an all-you-can-eat fish fry. As the restaurant ran low on fish, they reversed their policy. Now, Wisth turns to Milwaukee NBC affiliate TMJ4 still hungry…for some justice.

I hope you watched that clip all the way through before you ]]>

Bill Wisth went to restaurant Chuck’s Place for an all-you-can-eat fish fry. As the restaurant ran low on fish, they reversed their policy. Now, Wisth turns to Milwaukee NBC affiliate TMJ4 still hungry…for some justice.

I hope you watched that clip all the way through before you go, “Aww, give that big dude what he wants.” The story says the restaurant gave Wisth twelve pieces of fish along with eight to-go to placate him. And he responded by calling the police, then picketing. Despite the fact he has an unpaid tab at the restaurant.

You, sir, are no Homer Simpson in the episode “Closing Time”.

…But not the humanoid robotic butt cheeks we deserved? Scientists are calling SHIRI “the world’s most accurate robotic butt cheeks.” And now you can witness them in motion. NSFW warning, I guess?

In short, these buttocks are so revolutionary because they’re one of the first humanoid robots that accurately reflect ]]>

…But not the humanoid robotic butt cheeks we deserved? Scientists are calling SHIRI “the world’s most accurate robotic butt cheeks.” And now you can witness them in motion. NSFW warning, I guess?

In short, these buttocks are so revolutionary because they’re one of the first humanoid robots that accurately reflect human physiological responses to stimuli.

Not sure if you caught the part that said “The user may feel SHIRI’s fear when they trigger HSIRI’s ‘Twitch’ upon first contact.” And it’s the first moment I’ve ever looked at the future and thought, “You know what? I’m good with how things are.” Though it would be hilarious if the world ended up exactly like Terminator only with the awesome cool robots replaced by giant vibrating asses.

Are you finding yourselves annoyed by the various people who’ve wormed their way into your Facebook without really being your friend? It might get worse: A new program being tested by the company would allow users to promote a status to all of their friends for just two dollars.

Are you finding yourselves annoyed by the various people who’ve wormed their way into your Facebook without really being your friend? It might get worse: A new program being tested by the company would allow users to promote a status to all of their friends for just two dollars.

As part of the ongoing process to improve revenues while the social media behemoth moves towards its IPO, the new service called “Highlight” would allow users to post a status to ensure all of their friends see it.

Typically, status updates rise to the top of your feed based on an algorithm based on recency of the update combined with data determining how important the user is to you on Facebook.

Previous research shows that only 12% of your friends see your average status update.

In an official statement, Facebook says, “We’re constantly testing new features across the site. This particular test is simply to gauge people’s interest in this method of sharing with their friends.”

The odds of this quickly degenerating into people paying the price of half a cup of coffee to post “LOL Tom has a tiny penis” have to be somewhere in the neighborhood of -1,273,645:1.

A six-year-old Colorado boy was suspended from school for sexual harassment after quoting a line from LMFAO’s hit “Sexy and I Know It.” How many lives must LMFAO ruin before they’re stopped?

Denver’s KMGH reports that first grader D’Avonte Meadows was suspended for ]]>

A six-year-old Colorado boy was suspended from school for sexual harassment after quoting a line from LMFAO’s hit “Sexy and I Know It.” How many lives must LMFAO ruin before they’re stopped?

Denver’s KMGH reports that first grader D’Avonte Meadows was suspended for three days after saying the song’s choral line of “I’m sexy and I know it” at Sable Elementary School.

D’Avonte dropped the lyric while standing next to a female classmate in a lunch line.

When reached by the Associated Press, the local school district said they wouldn’t comment on the specifics of the case but that their guidelines define sexual harassment as any unwelcome sexual advance, regardless of age.

According to D’Avonte’s mother, this is the second time her son has gotten in trouble for quoting the song. But she doesn’t think her son knows what sexual harassment is, saying:

“They’re going to look at him like he’s a pervert. And it’s like, that’s not fair to him.”

I get the school has a zero tolerance policy but maybe we can make it like a .0001 tolerance policy that includes the guideline “If the sexual harassment occurring comes in the form of a pop song that appears on TV with animated pieces of chocolate dancing to it, we’re all good.” Not sure if that’s perfect legal language but a little common sense probably goes a long way here.

Patricia Krentcil, the 44-year-old New Jersey mother making headlines for allegedly taking her five-year-old daughter tanning and getting arrested as a result, loves tanning. You might not be able to tell by her fair complexion.

Here’s a picture of Krentcil with her daughter in happier times:

Love knows not of your hippocratic oath. At least, that’s what we should be led to believe by this story of one Polish dentist’s response to her ex-boyfriend asking for some tooth help.

Anne Mackowiak, a 34-year-old dentist in the Polish city of Wroclaw, allegedly had her ex-boyfriend in to ]]>

Love knows not of your hippocratic oath. At least, that’s what we should be led to believe by this story of one Polish dentist’s response to her ex-boyfriend asking for some tooth help.

This was the most menacing photo of a toothbrush I could find.

Anne Mackowiak, a 34-year-old dentist in the Polish city of Wroclaw, allegedly had her ex-boyfriend in to her office for help with some tooth problems he had.

After putting him under, Mackowiak said:

“I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions. But when I saw him lying there I just thought, ‘What a bastard’ and decided to take all his teeth out.”

The ex-boyfriend awoke with his bandaged mouth completely shut. He realized something was wrong when he was “no longer able to feel [his] teeth.”

Mackowiak faces loss of her license courtesy of a malpractice investigation and up to three years in prison as a result of criminal charges.

So it seems like Mackowiak is completely insane. But at the same time, I don’t absolve the ex-boyfriend entirely, either. It’s not like he’s never heard the phrase, “Hell hath no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned.” And that phrase exists without the assumption that you’d be gassed unconscious in a chair surrounded by pliers and drills. Bad ideas all around.

Chew Cheating Rat [Austrian Times via Gawker]

An Oklahoma man named David Williams was a passenger in a car that got pulled over. After a brief struggle with state troopers, it was determined there was a “meth lab in his pants.”.

So we’re all in agreement that a “meth lab in your pants” will ]]>

An Oklahoma man named David Williams was a passenger in a car that got pulled over. After a brief struggle with state troopers, it was determined there was a “meth lab in his pants.”.

So we’re all in agreement that a “meth lab in your pants” will henceforth be the white trash equivalent of a “party in your pants” with the added bonus of making us all think of the upcoming season of Breaking Bad? Done and done.

This AMAZING photo comes from the University of Colorado-Boulder’s CU Independent. Background: A bear was in a tree in the UC-Boulder area and needed to be tranquilized to get out. This is the result.

Credit: Andy Duann/CU Independent

No one was harmed in ]]>

This AMAZING photo comes from the University of Colorado-Boulder’s CU Independent. Background: A bear was in a tree in the UC-Boulder area and needed to be tranquilized to get out. This is the result.

Credit: Andy Duann/CU Independent

No one was harmed in the situation. The bear safely landed on the padded mat and will be relocated back into the woods by wildlife officials.

He also looks like he’s a kid showing off on a trampoline so…there’s that.

According to her CNN bio, Frida Ghitis is a world affairs columnist for The Miami Herald and World Politics Review. She’s also an idiot for writing a CNN articled titled ‘Are men stupid?’ Let’s take a look and decide what the real issue at hand might be.

Ghitis’s article focuses primarily on the dalliances of political figures ranging from John Edwards to Anthony Weiner to President Obama’s hooker-loving Secret Service agents and their inability to keep their penises safely covered despite their high-profile professions.

Ghitis goes on to list men ranging from President Clinton to Tiger Woods and their predilection to potentially throw careers and untold millions away for women.

Her argument boils down to this thesis:

But I believe the common denominator, the proximate cause of the irrational behavior, is arrogance; the belief by some powerful men that they can get away with it. That the world is still their unchallenged domain, as it was years ago, when few people knew about a president bringing women to the White House to have sex, as John F. Kennedy did, or pressuring his secretary to yield to sexual advances, as was common. It is willful ignorance that the world has changed.

If we’re being honest, it’s not a bad or even invalid argument to make. The men she references in her piece were idiots for putting a side piece (or several dozen) ahead of their careers and families.

Aggrieved men are currently littering the article’s comments saying the piece “should be called ‘Are women evil?’” The ‘thoughtful’ men’s sites out there act like they’re victims. The more brash ones chalk it up to guys in power still being guys.

Ghitis’ lone response to the controversy of the article is a retweet saying unsympathetically, “Let’s all grow up and realize that not everyone will share your opinion.”

Men are the butt of a lot of jokes these days. The “husband is an idiot” trope on TV shows and commercials regularly tears men down for the sake of moving products or entertainment. But that’s the price you pay for earning more than $500,000 over the course of a lifetime compared to a woman.

The biggest problem isn’t one of men being stupid or even the basic genetic desire of men to be the stallion who mounts the world. It’s that articles can be featured on an otherwise reputable news outlet like CNN only if it’s about successful men.

Would Ghitis write the same article about black culture? Could a male CNN opinions writer pen an article one about some female CEOs failing in business and why that might be happening?

Ghitis can voice her opinion. It can be poorly founded or based on a small sample size. If she wants to say it and someone wants to run it, more power to her. You should be able to mock things or point out the idiocy of a segment of society without people attacking you.

But the question to ask isn’t “Are men stupid?” The better question is “Why are people allowed to shit on only men this openly?”

Have the people running Pizza Hut locations across Europe just stumbled upon Epic Meal Time? A couple weeks after UK Pizza Hut chains unveiled Hot Dog Crust Pizza comes new cheeseburger and chicken nugget crust Pizza Hut pizzas in the Middle East. Epic Meal Time? A couple weeks after UK Pizza Hut chains unveiled Hot Dog Crust Pizza comes new cheeseburger and chicken nugget crust Pizza Hut pizzas in the Middle East.

Billed as “The Most Royal Pizza Ever,” the Crown Crust Royal Pizzas derive their name from the crown shape of the crust. The hunks of meat in both the cheeseburger and chicken nugget pizzas are even referred to as ‘gems.’

Here’s a commercial for the cheeseburger version of the Crown Crust Royal Pizza that is SO how I hope this idea came to fruition:

“So, you guys were being total dicks to our employees because we’re Pizza Hut. But we’ll show you! Here’s a disgusting pizza filled with mediocre sandwiches you could find done a million times better at literally any other fast food place!

Regretfully yours,
Pizza Hut”

You can see more photos of the historic concoctions at Serious Eats.

The hot new trend? Hand-made wool penis warmers. And here I’ve been, sitting with my genitals both frigid and undecorated for years like a savage.

The UK’s Metro tells the story of Radmila Kus, a Croatian woman allegedly making a “fortune” off ]]>

The hot new trend? Hand-made wool penis warmers. And here I’ve been, sitting with my genitals both frigid and undecorated for years like a savage.

The UK’s Metro tells the story of Radmila Kus, a Croatian woman allegedly making a “fortune” off the sales of “penis warmers,” oft-colorful wool sweaters for your junk.

“I used to make slippers for tourists but these willy warmers are so popular I just can’t keep up,” she told the paper.

According to Kus, the odd accessory originated in the mountain areas of Croatia. Local women in the region would make the dong clothing to keep their husbands warm in the horrific cold to keep them fertile and increase their chances of having kids.

Kus takes personalized orders (with measurements!) on her Etsy page.

So if your penis is cold and you also have the yearning to make your genitals look vaguely like one of the characters in Maurice Sendak’s classic Where the Wild Things Are, get to ordering.

Etsy Now Offering Penis Warmers [The Gloss]

Houston police were led on a wild chase this afternoon by a man who was using crutches to drive the car. Fox News jumped in as the chase was winding down and anchor Shepard Smith decided to add his own running commentary. It was quite hilarious.

Here are just ]]>

Here are just some of his gems: “You think the day’s been rough sir, the night is not going to be any more pleasant” and “…freakshow here took off.” Just watch the clip, it’s worth every second of your time.

(via Fox News)

Note: If you ever want to get laid again, you may want to avoid sending one of your Match.com dates your creepily thorough spreadsheet on the ladies you met on the dating Web site. A lesson this finance guy should have learned.

The spreadsheet above of a ]]>

Note: If you ever want to get laid again, you may want to avoid sending one of your Match.com dates your creepily thorough spreadsheet on the ladies you met on the dating Web site. A lesson this finance guy should have learned.

The spreadsheet above of a finance guy being called “Dave” comes to us via Deadspin. According to the site, Dave met a girl named Arielle. Somewhere in the conversation, the fact that he keeps a spreadsheet of “in progress” dates came up. Arielle, naturally, requested to see it. Dave sent it to her saying:

Well…this could be a mistake, but what the hell. I thought about deleting the names, but figured I might as will give you the whole thing. I only deleted the non-match people’s names (at the bottom) since some I’ve known for a long time. I hope this e-mail doesn’t backfire, because I really had a great time and hope to hang again soon :). However, I will keep my word! Have a great weekend!

Arielle proceeded to send it to all of her lady friends because, you know, women.

You can see the full version of the spreadsheet here.

I’m going to assume he didn’t get another date. Which is good. Because if you’re going to embarrass yourself and soon to end up on countless sites across the Internet, you definitely want to get nothing out of it romantically, professionally, or personally.

In other news, I want to see EVERY SINGLE SPREADSHEET that includes a column dedicated to ‘Wink Dates.’ I don’t care what they’re about. I need that phrase in my life more than I need air. And definitely more than I’d need a Match.com date. Possibly the worst viral marketing ever for them? Match.com: Where Creepy But Organized Men Meet Women Who Mock Them Behind Their Backs

This post goes out to both our female readers and male readers who will inevitably feel a twinge of sadness: Japan has found a way to stop cleavage in its tracks.

Sold in Japan for 1,050 yen (about $13 US), the Breast Line Cover is designed ]]>

This post goes out to both our female readers and male readers who will inevitably feel a twinge of sadness: Japan has found a way to stop cleavage in its tracks.

Sold in Japan for 1,050 yen (about $13 US), the Breast Line Cover is designed to keep women from exposing more of themselves than they want while still wearing stylish clothing.

According to the product’s site, the goal is to avoid “accidental glimpses of cleavage.”

But how does this magical bringer of sadness work, you ask? A clasping mechanism attached to a woman’s bra provides the coverage they need.

I’m all for women avoiding the leers of weirdos. But if you want to wear certain fashion forward outfits that might expose some skin, isn’t there an inherent or assumed risk involved? Not that you’re necessarily looking for it, but that such attention might occur? If I go around in a banana hammock or a Borat bikini, I may feel more sexy and confident than ever before. But I should also be aware that my goods may very well be flopping about aimlessly, giving the world a show. My genitals starring in a Punch and Judy performance is just part of the game at that point.

Stop Creeps From Looking Down Your Shirt Forever [Kotaku]