Don’t know David Clowney? He’s a marginally used wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, formerly of the Jets. And he’s completely lacking in HIV cells in his body! Yayyyyyy!

I was pretty panicked until I saw this tweet floating around. Much of my days are spent ]]>

Don’t know David Clowney? He’s a marginally used wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, formerly of the Jets. And he’s completely lacking in HIV cells in his body! Yayyyyyy!

I was pretty panicked until I saw this tweet floating around. Much of my days are spent questioning the status of sexually transmitted diseases in the bodies of hardly-used NFL players, worrying about how their zest for unprotected sex could affect their non-play on the field. Once I know Legedu Naanee is alright, I can rest easy tonight.

As part of an anonymous donation to Stanford University, the offensive coordinator will now forever be tied with Andrew Luck. And the new title sounds kind of ridiculous.

According to a press release issued by Stanford today, the offensive coordinator position will now ]]>

As part of an anonymous donation to Stanford University, the offensive coordinator will now forever be tied with Andrew Luck. And the new title sounds kind of ridiculous.

According to a press release issued by Stanford today, the offensive coordinator position will now be known as the Andrew Luck Director of Offense.

“It is a huge tribute,” said Luck in a quote issued in the press release. “To have anything endowed in my name is a complete honor. I feel very fortunate to have come to Stanford, and I have always enjoyed representing the University. The offensive coordinators I’ve had here helped me not only in football, but also to grow so much as a person. To be a part of that leadership and position is a very proud legacy for me.”

The first Andrew Luck Director of Offense will be Pep Hamilton. Hamilton was hired as offensive coordinator last year after coach Jim Harbaugh moved to the NFL’s San Francisco 49ers.

Naming positions via endowment isn’t new at Stanford; the title of head coach, currently held by David Shaw, is referred to internally as the Bradford M. Freeman Director of Football.

Here’s hoping a fan of the Indianapolis Colts makes Luck feel at home on his new team by endowing the position of quarterback as “The Peyton Manning Director of Throwing a Football Exceedingly Well to Compensate for Your Team’s Overall Mediocrity.” What it lacks in brevity it more than makes up for in poignancy.

We’ve seen Peyton Manning hold up his Broncos jersey, but until yesterday we hadn’t seen him actually wearing it full-on with a helmet throwing a football. Now we have. What do you think?

Does this conjure up images of Joe Namath in a Rams uniform or ]]>

We’ve seen Peyton Manning hold up his Broncos jersey, but until yesterday we hadn’t seen him actually wearing it full-on with a helmet throwing a football. Now we have. What do you think?

Does this conjure up images of Joe Namath in a Rams uniform or is all right in the world for Peyton Manning fans now that he’s just back on the field?

Is Manning going to be worth the five-year, $96 million contract that the team signed him for or will they have to start over with yet another new quarterback again in the near future? He’s 36 years-old, hasn’t played in a year, and is coming off major neck surgery. So many questions, but at least now we have one answer: how he looks in blue and orange.

On May 2nd, Junior Seau passed away. On May 7th, someone tried to burglarize his home. I hate you America.

The burglar rummaged through cabinets in the garage and stole a bicycle that belonged to a friend of the famed linebacker.

The beach cruiser was described ]]>

On May 2nd, Junior Seau passed away. On May 7th, someone tried to burglarize his home. I hate you America.

The burglar rummaged through cabinets in the garage and stole a bicycle that belonged to a friend of the famed linebacker.

The beach cruiser was described as gray with chrome fenders and a black seat, Mata said. There are 143 spokes in each wheel.

Police said the estimated value of the bike was about $500.

Seriously, I have no words. I just feel like kicking someone square in the nuts.

OCEANSIDE: Junior Seau’s home burglarized, police say via [USA Today]

A gag order has been lifted in the case of Pilar and Deion Sanders. So if you thought it was nasty between the two before, just wait. Pilar threw the first punch today on Good Morning America. It was nasty. She alleges Deion conjured up this whole ]]>

A gag order has been lifted in the case of Pilar and Deion Sanders. So if you thought it was nasty between the two before, just wait. Pilar threw the first punch today on Good Morning America. It was nasty. She alleges Deion conjured up this whole assault simply for media attention. She added that he may have had friends in the sheriff’s department who overlooked certain aspects of the case.

Lying, conspiring, cheating! Sounds like the makings of a perfect reality show.

There’s a back and forth dispute going on between Cris Carter and Bill Romanowski. Carter alleges Romanowski told him before a game,”I’m gonna end your career.” Romanowski said it never happened and responded accordingly on ESPN with some rather dumb comments.

So, just to summarize.

-Trying to hurt ]]>

There’s a back and forth dispute going on between Cris Carter and Bill Romanowski. Carter alleges Romanowski told him before a game,”I’m gonna end your career.” Romanowski said it never happened and responded accordingly on ESPN with some rather dumb comments.

So, just to summarize.

-Trying to hurt someone is not the same as trying to injure them
-This isn’t flag football
-Football is not volleyball or basketball.
-There were only about “10-15 plays” in his entire career he would classify as dirty.
-Bounties didn’t work on Bill because he was invincible (or maybe it was the roids and HGH).
-Knocking someone out of a game is not hurting them, just ringing their bell.

If you’re dumber for having watched this video, join the club.

Grandma cheerleaders are the new hip thing. 56-year-old Sharon Simmons was upstaged at the Cowboys cheerleader auditions over the weekend by 62-year-old grandma, Cathy Rampley. Her moves were a little rigid but her Depends help up amazingly well.

[PHOTOS: Dallas Cowboys cheerleader photos]

Unfortunately, ]]>

Grandma cheerleaders are the new hip thing. 56-year-old Sharon Simmons was upstaged at the Cowboys cheerleader auditions over the weekend by 62-year-old grandma, Cathy Rampley. Her moves were a little rigid but her Depends help up amazingly well.

[PHOTOS: Dallas Cowboys cheerleader photos]

Unfortunately, neither Simmons nor Rampley made the team (sad trombone). We hope this doesn’t discourage any future geriatrics from keeping themselves active. The more flexible grandmas there are out there, the happier retirement homes will be. Assuming, of course, there are enough blue pills for the old fellas to pass around.

The death of Junior Seau was both shocking and sad. Nobody knows why it happened but his family has agreed to have his brain studied for possible damage. The words you’ll hear incessantly over the next few months are chronic traumatic encephalopathy, commonly known as CTE. ]]>

The death of Junior Seau was both shocking and sad. Nobody knows why it happened but his family has agreed to have his brain studied for possible damage. The words you’ll hear incessantly over the next few months are chronic traumatic encephalopathy, commonly known as CTE. Boston University has been the pioneer for this research over the last years. When former NFL player Dave Duerson committed suicide, he asked that his brain be studied there–presumably in an attempt to explain his post-career depression.

With NFL litigation ongoing with former players, something needs to happen in this regard and soon. Let’s ignore, for a moment the recent suicides and instead focus on concussions. The more years that go by, the more violent hits are in the NFL. Players are retiring earlier in their careers because they are simply unable to get on the field without medical clearance.

So, if you think former players are pissed now, wait 10, 15 years when they’re lining up outside NFL offices with pitchforks and torches.

It’ll happen, just watch.

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs will likely miss the entire 2012 season after tearing his Achilles Tendon playing basketball. Although Suggs has said the injury occurred “running condition tests”, sources have told ESPN’s Adam Schefter otherwise.

Surgery is scheduled for next week, the ]]>

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs will likely miss the entire 2012 season after tearing his Achilles Tendon playing basketball. Although Suggs has said the injury occurred “running condition tests”, sources have told ESPN’s Adam Schefter otherwise.

Surgery is scheduled for next week, the sources said. The Ravens do not know if Suggs’ Achilles tendon is partially or fully torn as their doctors have not seen the results of Suggs’ MRI yet. The team is sending Suggs to see a specialist early next week to help make that determination.

Also, one source who has spoken with Suggs said he thinks he will be able to come back in October

The loss of Suggs is catastrophic to the Ravens, who were looking to make a run at the 2013 Super Bowl. A run that could very well be Ray Lewis’ last. I imagine his reaction upon hearing the news was similar to this.

The story of 56-year-old Sharon Simmons made the rounds a few months back. If you recall, the fitness buff and grandma wants to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. After the story broke, Simmons got some unwanted attention from creeps, including calls to her unlisted number ]]>

The story of 56-year-old Sharon Simmons made the rounds a few months back. If you recall, the fitness buff and grandma wants to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. After the story broke, Simmons got some unwanted attention from creeps, including calls to her unlisted number and a stalker outside her house. Shame on you internet.

She went into hiding for a bit but still looks fantastic (yes, even for a grandma) ahead of Saturday’s tryouts. Dare I say she even looks hot?

I’m somewhat mesmerized by the leg kicks and splits. Impressive stuff. By the way, if Simmons makes the Cowboys cheerleader cut, she’ll be the oldest cheerleader in the NFL–by 14 years. Wow.

Jonathan Vilma has been suspended an entire year and Will Smith four games for their roles in the Saints bounty program. The suspension length for Vilma in particular comes as quite a shock, however, he seems to have been the main instigator of the 2009 incident involving ]]>

Jonathan Vilma has been suspended an entire year and Will Smith four games for their roles in the Saints bounty program. The suspension length for Vilma in particular comes as quite a shock, however, he seems to have been the main instigator of the 2009 incident involving Kurt Warner.

Here’s a brief excerpt from the Roger Goodell’s statement:

“It is the obligation of everyone, including the players on the field, to ensure that rules designed to promote player safety, fair play, and the integrity of the game are adhered to and effectively and consistently enforced,” Commissioner Goodell said. “Respect for the men that play the game starts with the way players conduct themselves with each other on the field.”

The evidence conclusively demonstrated that from 2009-2011 Saints players of their own accord pledged significant amounts of their own money toward bounties, that players accepted payments for “cart-offs” and “knockouts” of injured opposing players, and that the payout amounts doubled and tripled for playoff games.

Let me sum that up for those who don’t want to read through it. In short, Jonathan Vilma, “F-ck off for a year.” And Will Smith, well, “Bienvenido a suspension.” (I couldn’t help myself, sorry)

Junior Seau, 43, was found dead in his California home this morning according to TMZ. Details are just pouring in right now but it appears there was some kind of shooting. Police are at his home investigating.

Seau is remembered as perhaps the ]]>

Seau is remembered as perhaps the best defensive player of his era, having gone to 12 straight Pro Bowls between 1991-2002. He amassed 1,849 tackles and 56.5 sacks in his illustrious career. He’ll be inducted into the Hall of Fame some day–posthumously of course.

Just sad, sad news all around from a guy who spent countless hours helping youth in southern California with his Junior Seau Foundation.

*UPDATE*

News 10 San Diego says he may have killed himself.

Sometimes there are stories that warm even the coldest of hearts. Stories that restore your faith in humanity. On October 16, 2010 Rutgers linemen Eric LeGrand was paralyzed after trying to make a tackle on a kickoff. Nineteen months later and LeGrand is still fighting to ]]>

Sometimes there are stories that warm even the coldest of hearts. Stories that restore your faith in humanity. On October 16, 2010 Rutgers linemen Eric LeGrand was paralyzed after trying to make a tackle on a kickoff. Nineteen months later and LeGrand is still fighting to walk again–a testament to his will and determination.

Today, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers recognized LeGrand’s efforts by signing him to their offseason roster. It should be noted here that LeGrand’s coach in college, Greg Schiano, is now in charge of the Buccaneers.

“Leading up to the draft, I couldn’t help but think that this should’ve been Eric’s draft class,” said Schiano. “This small gesture is the least we could do to recognize his character, spirit, and perseverance. The way Eric lives his life epitomizes what we are looking for in Buccaneer Men.”

Take a moment to think about the Bucs gesture here. Sure, there are those that will say it’s a savvy PR move. Sadly, I can’t refute that statement with any facts. But Schiano and LeGrand seem to have developed a special relationship after the incident. A relationship that Schiano has not forgotten despite his move to bigger and better places.

In a world of NFL tomfoolery with Sean Payton placing bounties on players in an attempt to injure them, here you have what I consider the polar opposite. A man in Schiano fighting for a player to come back from injury.

Think about that the next time someone says the NFL was too hard on the Saints organization.

In non-Kate Upton related news, three former NFL players were arrested by the FBI on federal charges of identity theft and tax fraud. Apparently, times are tough when you’re collecting an NFL pension. The players arrested included former first round picks William Joseph ]]>

In non-Kate Upton related news, three former NFL players were arrested by the FBI on federal charges of identity theft and tax fraud. Apparently, times are tough when you’re collecting an NFL pension. The players arrested included former first round picks William Joseph and Michael Bennett, the latter of whom rushed for 3703 yards in the NFL from 2001-2009.

All three were questioned after their arrests Monday by FBI agents at the bureau’s North Miami Beach regional office. They were then transferred to the Federal Detention Center in downtown Miami for court appearances Tuesday afternoon before U.S. Magistrate Judge Robert Dube, according to the clerk’s office.

It appears the scheme involved filing false tax returns in other peoples names, thereby collecting refunds. Not exactly the smartest white collar criminals. I’d bet they had crappy Wonderlic scores.

Feds bust three ex-NFL players on ID-theft and tax-related fraud charges [Miami Herald]

Cam Newton’s going to be a Carolina Panther for quite some time so he’s decided to lay down his roots down in Charlotte. Newton recently purchased a downtown condo for $1.6 million dollars. It looks like a perfect bachelor pad for someone of Newton’s age and popularity as it comes ]]>

Cam Newton’s going to be a Carolina Panther for quite some time so he’s decided to lay down his roots down in Charlotte. Newton recently purchased a downtown condo for $1.6 million dollars. It looks like a perfect bachelor pad for someone of Newton’s age and popularity as it comes equipped with high security and access to the Charlotte Athletic club. The condo itself features 3,200 square feet, 3 bedrooms/3.5 baths and hardwood floors. Take a look at some of the photos of the exclusive condo in our gallery.

Dear Bill Polian,

Stop insulting the fans, stop insulting their intelligence and stop insulting anyone with even a modicum of football knowledge. Information gleaned from opponents’ communications can and would be used to help a team. Frankly, you should be embarrassed and in the future, I suggest recusing yourself from ]]>

Stop insulting the fans, stop insulting their intelligence and stop insulting anyone with even a modicum of football knowledge. Information gleaned from opponents’ communications can and would be used to help a team. Frankly, you should be embarrassed and in the future, I suggest recusing yourself from any Mickey Loomis conversations. It’s evident you can’t speak truthfully or without bias on the matter.

Sincerely,

Anyone with a brain

On the heels of today’s NFL Draft our friends over at AXE held an event last night somewhat resembling a combine in which they pitted New York Giants all-pro defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul against Guyism favorite Kate Upton. Promoting AXE’s newest product ‘Sport ]]>

On the heels of today’s NFL Draft our friends over at AXE held an event last night somewhat resembling a combine in which they pitted New York Giants all-pro defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul against Guyism favorite Kate Upton. Promoting AXE’s newest product ‘Sport Blast’ JPP and Kate squared off in a game of Pictionary, a walk off (see Zoolander), amongst other things. Ultimately Jason Pierre-Paul reigned supreme as he completely beasted the round of Pictionary going 3 for 3 in 22 seconds. However, before the competition I was able to pick his brain a little bit about life as a Super Bowl champion, NFL Draft advice for newcomers and a few other things.

Cass: Thank you so much for taking the time with me today, I’m sure you’re a busy man preparing for your matchup here at the AXE Combine House with Kate. So, how do you like your chances against her? What if one of the challenges is a dance off? She’s pretty well known for doing ‘the Dougie.’

JPP: She can do the Dougie? I didn’t know she could do the Dougie, I can’t even do the dougie. I think its going to be a nice competitiion. We get a lot of these games going on, its gonna be a nice event to support our charities and stuff.

Cass: So, how has your life changed since winning the Super Bowl?

JPP: Really I’m just working, I’m working a lot. Winning gives you a lot of opportunities to work, like this, to support the axe products like this Sport Blast, just doing a tour. Been staying really busy.

Cass: What advice do you have for draftees off the field? Temptations are abundant for players who hit it big, was there something you had to do to avoid these temptations?

JPP: Off the field? There’s going to be a lot of parties going on. Don’t get me wrong you can have fun and party but there’s a time and place for it. You are going to the biggest job interview you are going to have in your life so don’t mess it up. There will be drinking, just make sure you don’t drive. Most importantly, get a driver, just don’t drive drunk.

Cass: So one of the biggest problems plaguing the NFL these days is concussions. Do you think the NFL is handling the situation correctly and doing enough about it?

JPP: I don’t know, me personally I’ve never had a concussion so I can’t really tell you. What’s the first step in actually doing the test even? So it seems to me like they’re doing a pretty good job.

Cass: Thanks again for taking a few moments to talk with me and good luck later against Kate.

As stated before JPP went on to squeak out a win in the final of 5 events against Kate, which of course gave ample time to capture some pictures of the two for your viewing pleasure.

Yesterday, an anonymous woman uploaded a somewhat funny video detailing what she would do sexually to Mr. Irrelevant–the last pick in the 2012 NFL draft. Soon after the video went up, she took it down, knowing it would bring shame upon her family. Unfortunately, once things go up on ]]>

Yesterday, an anonymous woman uploaded a somewhat funny video detailing what she would do sexually to Mr. Irrelevant–the last pick in the 2012 NFL draft. Soon after the video went up, she took it down, knowing it would bring shame upon her family. Unfortunately, once things go up on the internet, they are there forever. And I mean, forever.

The fine folks at Jockular got a hold of it and now the clip is blowing up all over the web. In some ways I feel sorry for the young lass. Her identity will certainly be uncovered by the end of the week and she’ll have to defend her groupie status.

If I was her, I’d play up my fifteen minutes of fame. Perhaps get an interview or two out of it on one of the national morning shows.

Somewhat related, I think I love her. And not because she’s a little slutty. I think it’s the curly girl and mesmerizing eyes that do it for me. Call me honey! I may not be the 2012 Mr. Irrelevant but I can be pretty irrelevant in other ways. Wait, er, never mind.

The assault on Tim Tebow’s virginity continues with news of a website offering $1 million dollars for proof of coitus. Ashley Madison, a website that essentially offers extra-marital hookups, put the bounty out there, presumably for PR purposes. If you were looking for a “Sleazeball ]]>

The assault on Tim Tebow’s virginity continues with news of a website offering $1 million dollars for proof of coitus. Ashley Madison, a website that essentially offers extra-marital hookups, put the bounty out there, presumably for PR purposes. If you were looking for a “Sleazeball of the Year” candidate, look no further than Ashley Madison founder Noel Biderman.

“Sports and sex (and of course, infidelity) go hand in hand,” said Noel Biderman, founder of Ashley Madison, in a statement. “If Mr. Tebow is indeed abstaining from adult relationships, I would encourage him to find a nice lady or two and enjoy his youth and fame as much as possible.”

I’ve gone back and forth on Tim Tebow. I’ve loved him. I’ve hated him. I’ve made fun of him. I’ve laughed at him. And I’ve scolded the media for fellating him.

Now I think I’m in a new era of Tim Tebow emotional progression–I’m defending him.

This nonsense regarding his virginity needs to stop and it needs to stop now. The guy may very well put his religion out there and preach from the high heavens, but I don’t ever recall him openly talking about relationships, sex or his “purity.” At least, not recently.

So, in other words, let’s leave his ding dong alone. Because he’s certainly keeping it to and for himself.

Website Offers $1 Million to Woman Who Proves She Has Sacked Tebow [CNBC]

The Deion Sanders divorce drama has hit Twitter and it’s uncomfortable to say the least. Sanders tweeted out photos of his sons filling out a police report after their mother, Pilar, allegedly jumped him.

So weird.

Divorces can get ugly, ]]>

The Deion Sanders divorce drama has hit Twitter and it’s uncomfortable to say the least. Sanders tweeted out photos of his sons filling out a police report after their mother, Pilar, allegedly jumped him.

So weird.

Divorces can get ugly, especially when kids are involved. But this? This takes the cake. If you recall, earlier this year, Sanders’ estranged wife accused him of being an ultimate philanderer, cheating on her with multiple women. She also accused him of abuse, something Primetime vehemently denies.

In this case, however, it appears Pilar is the abuser and the one who might need some serious counseling. Assuming of course, any of this is true.