Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Making a good Super Bowl commercial is hard. It takes months, if not years, of planning and research to make people remember your company’s ad. Conversely, 30 seconds of awfulness can make people remember you too, but for all the wrong reasons. Here are seven ads which definitely fall into the latter category.

6 Christopher Reeve walking – Nuveen Investments, 2000
In 2000, paralyzed former Superman star Christopher Reeve “appeared” in this commercial. The message was that in the future, a whole lot of crazy crap is going to happen. Including, apparently, Christopher Reeve’s head being grafted to the body of a giant.

The goal of the commercial was to touch the hearts of Americans everywhere. Instead, everyone just kind of went, “Uh, that was creepy” and awkwardly took a bite out of their chicken wings. Oh also no one had any clue what Nuveen Investments did either because the commercial was really vague and almost made Nuveen Investments seem like an evil corporation from the future. Probably like the one that made Robocop.

5 Meet the official Holiday Inn transsexual – Holiday Inn, 1997
The gist of this commercial was that being a man getting a sex change was basically what Holiday Inn was doing to their hotels. Why this would make you want to stay there, no one was really sure, but if it’s good enough for Seinfeld’s Kenny Banya, it’s good enough for me.

The commercial was universally disliked and even resulted in some boycotts from various gay/transsexual/transgender groups. Probably not even for the hurtful depiction of their people, but rather for the tremendous slap in the face of being compared to a Holiday Inn.

4 White guys hunt down Kenyan, give him shoes – Just for Feet, 1999
There are few situations in which white men hunting down a black guy is going to make for a nicely received ad. This ad falls in line with that bold theorem on my part.

The premise if you’re too lazy to click: A Kenyan guy is walking around, being barefoot and Kenyan when some white guys in a Hummer drug him, capture him, then put sneakers on him. Eventually, he gets up all wobbly and runs, trying to free himself from these strange objects on his feet. The ad was so poorly received that it got a feature story on how bad it was on Salon.com, got the ad agency behind it sued (Saatchi & Saatchi, the agency in question, would countersue for Just for Feet’s ineptitude), and had a hand in Just for Feet’s bankruptcy later that year. So yeah, that turned out well.

3 Lemmings – Apple, 1985
In 1984, Apple had what some have called the most amazing commercial ever with their cleverly titled ad “1984”, a name which no one has ever been able to decipher the meaning of. Amidst pressure to possibly match that ad, they came up with another artistic bizarre ad that, well, sucked. Hard.

The commercial was so poorly reviewed that Apple stayed away from Super Bowl ads until 1999. And to make the indignities suffered to viewers worse, this is the one Apple commercial that has a bunch of people dying gruesome deaths, yet Justin Long and his smug Mac-loving face are nowhere to be found. Bastards.

2 Salesgenie.com and their racist panda bears – Salesgenie.com, 2008
After a 2007 Super Bowl ad universally rated as the worst one of the year, Salesgenie.com came back determined to make more awful ads that would stick with viewers for being so awful. Seriously, they even distributed a press release about it. Well they can wipe their hands thusly because this certainly proved to be a job well done.

It may shock you to learn that this ad never ran again amidst protests from Asian groups for A) Being racist and B) Finding a way to make pandas seem utterly annoying (do you know how hard that is? Look at this guy!). Also I fail to see how pandas could be running a profitable business, particularly when it’s a business selling furniture made of their favorite food. I’d find myself wholly incapable of selling Hamburger Chairs so it wouldn’t be fair to expect more from my cartoon pandas.

1 Fred Astaire dances with vacuums – Dirt Devil, 1997
I don’t think this was the first in the tacky “Dead Guy Sells Product” type of ads, but it was definitely one of the earlier ones. And what better way to honor probably the only masculine dancer ever than by putting a vacuum in his hands.

That’ll show women for not knowing things they don’t care about! Get back in the office to focus on “work” or in the living room to watch The Bachelor, women!

NFL playoff predictions from random attractive women who know very little about the NFL [Jockular]

17-24 for 176 yards, 2 touchdowns, an interception that cost his team the game, and this inaccurate placement of his hat.

It’s not only the drop of the hat that’s special here, it’s the look on his face when he realizes he’s been caught by the camera. At 0-3 and with Jamal Charles out for the season, there are bound to be some lowlights from the Chiefs this season. This just happens to be the best one thus far.

Titans fake punt

Tom Brady’s INT leads to Buffalo TD

Lions win OT, Jim Schwartz fist pump and somebody screams “learn the f-ckin rules”

As we embark on yet another NFL season today, here’s our predictions for how things will shape up in 2011-2012.

NFC East: Eagles
NFC West: Rams
NFC North: Lions
NFC South: Falcons
NFC Wild Card: Packers, Saints
NFC Champion: Falcons

AFC East: Patriots
AFC West: Chargers
AFC North: Ravens
AFC South: Texans
AFC Wild Card: Jets, Steelers
AFC Champion: Jets

Super Bowl Champion: Jets

MVP: Michael Vick
Coach of the Year: Jim Schwartz
Offensive Rookie of the Year: Mark Ingram
Defensive Rookie of the Year: Von Miller

And here are some off the wall predictions.

-Peyton Manning will not play a single game this year
-The Detroit Lions will not only make the playoffs, they’ll make it to the NFC title game
-Randy Moss will return to the Patriots before November
-The Cincinnati Bengals will go 0-16
-Chris Johnson will fail to to get 1000 yards rushing
-Jack Del Rio will be fired mid-season
-There will be at least one “Brett Favre unretiring” rumor
-Cam Newton will have one of the worst statistical seasons by a quarterback
-Jamal Charles will go over 2000 yards rushing
-The Colts, without Manning will miss the playoffs for the first time in a decade

What are your predictions? Sound off in the comments.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

As the NFL regular season approaches and players prepare to don their pads, sharpen their skills, and fight for a roster spot, fantasy football players don their lucky draft day boxers, sharpen their pencils, and fight amongst one another over what kicker is going to have a breakout season. Fantasy football is hard to explain to an outsider but join a league and prepare to introduce yourself to these types of misfits.

8 The Homer
This owner will go out of his way to take players from his personal favorite team. They can justify every pick in their own mind but when they tell you that this is going to be Edgerrin James’ comeback year, you’re best to just let him waste his third round pick.

7 The No-Show
It doesn’t matter how dedicated he is to the league before the draft or how many times he tells you he’s excited; this guy isn’t coming to the draft. In fact, he is never going to check his team. Have fun watching some stud running back that got auto-drafted to him run amuck on the league as he sits on this person’s bench.

6 Everyone’s A Sleeper Guy
Every year there are new players that break out suddenly that no one expected. Part of the draft in fantasy football is to snatch up the next big star in the late rounds. But to this guy, every player could be a sleeper. You’re best to just let him scour the depth charts of teams while you stick to players not on the practice squad.

5 Overly Trusting, Gullible Friend
You almost feel bad for this guy, but it’s so damn funny to watch him draft Mike Vanderjagt in the second round because you told him that kickers are going to have a huge impact this season.

4 The Girl
No one is really sure how or why she ended up in the league, but she’s there. Let’s be honest, the whole situation is kind of awkward. You and your guys are at your nerdiest while this poor girl has stumbled into your den. Your male instincts are giving mixed messages. On one hand, you should impress her, help her win, maybe even throw your game against her. On the other, she is the opposition and must be destroyed. The choice is yours, until you find out it’s your buddy’s girlfriend and that extra loss you took against her cost you a playoff birth. Now you’re lonely and a loser. But then again, you’re playing fantasy football after all.

3 The Second-Guesser
There is no decision that is black and white for this player. There are just too many choices to be made and not enough time to process every wide receivers’ average yards after the catch in games played outdoors on artificial turf in the month of December (the ever important AYACIGPOOATITMOD stat). More than likely his time will expire while he’s processing his draft pick and the computer will just pick for him.

2 Researched Too Much
There are hundreds upon thousands of sources for fantasy football information that one can seek out, and this guy has found it all. He’ll come into the season with a plethora of knowledge from the stack of magazines he bought, the mock draft program he downloaded, and twenty different bookmarks of player ratings ordered from most to least likely to produce a championship team.

1 The Filler
Almost every league has one whether it plans on it or not. There’s one person that has a team but isn’t sure why or what to do with it. They more than likely were brought in by another league member just to round out the league. Odds are this person isn’t even really sure what they signed up for in the first place.

Courtesy of The Warp Zone are some helpful hints that merge the joy of video games with the joy of booze. First up, learn how to make the Wii’s best (and only quite honestly) brawler better with a little bit of rum…

… And yeah, coconut rum IS f’n delicious. Next is something is a party game that’s already pretty awesome while sober. But you know how alcohol makes everything that much better…

For you NFL fans and serious drinkers (aka alcoholics) out there, time to dust off that copy of NFL Blitz…

Finally, one last does of Nintendo. Cuz there’s better than staring at Mario or Luigi’s girlfriends’ asses while totally loaded…

… Seems rather, how shall I say, “cumbersome” to properly play, but hey, whatever reason to pull out Double Dash is good enough for me!

Or a gigantic curse, depending on how you feel about voodoo and whatnot. Either way, until 2011, the choice of player on the cover of the Madden game has been out of the fans’ hands. Now, EA’s cashing on America’s love of brackets and giving everyone a choice to vote for the cover star, via a tournament that will last about a month.

Voting kicks off today (Monday the 21st) at 4:00 PM (yes, that’s now, thanks for pointing that out) and takes place on a special Madden page located on ESPN. Each team is represented, in some sort of way, therefore getting a chance to be repped on the cover and have one of their players destroyed by the Madden Curse.

The seeding’s fairly interesting, because while it’s not surprising to see Aaron Rodgers is a No. 1, having Philip Rivers edge out someone like Michael Vick or Tom Brady (the MVP) as a No. 1.

Of course, that’s not nearly as weird as having Hines Ward slot in as a No. 2.

Also of interest, Brady’s not even in the bracket: Danny Woodhead is repping the Patriots for whatever reason. (And, actually, that reason might be that Brady’s name is on a lawsuit against the NFL right now; Peyton Manning isn’t in the bracketing either as Dwight Freeney’s repping the Colts.)

More important for fans than who’s the “face” of their team, though, might be the ability to fill out their own bracket and win prizes. Which is something that they can do by cruising over to EA’s Madden Facebook page and filling out a bracket. Up for grabs are prizes as awesome as Super Bowl tickets.

Of course, the ideal scenario is some sort of viral movement to get the Seahawks most valuable “player” — the 12th man!!! — elected for the Madden cover. In that scenario, everyone wins, because Seattle fans will awkwardly grace the front of the world’s most famous sports video game, and the Madden Curse will finally be broken, because it’s not possible to make Seattle sports fans’ lives any more miserable than they already are.

42

On the last day before the NBA All-Star break, Derrick Rose showed that he’s not only worthy of playing in the game but he may very well be making a case for MVP of the league. Playing against the mighty San Antonio Spurs, Rose dropped a career high 42 points including 13 in the final period en route to a 109-99 win for the Chicago Bulls. MVP chants were heard all around the arena and while Rose’s time may not come this year, it seems as if it’s just a matter of time.

2-24

With less than a week remaining in the NBA trade deadline, the Carmelo Anthony rumors are once again sparking up. Whether it’s the New Jersey Nets or the New York Knicks is hard to tell right now, but both teams seem to be making a last ditch effort for his services. But given the deadline on February 24th at 3pm, if things don’t get sorted out this week, you’d have to think it will never get done.

7

A round of applause for the NFL and the NFLPA who have decided that they will spend seven straight days negotiating a new CBA. They’re not exactly close right now but both sides agreed to federal mediation which could signal a deal by early March. But again, nothing is set in stone and if one side decides to put a mark in the sand, this could be a long, drawn-out process.

6-2

For the very first time in more than 20 years, Steve Yzerman had to root against the Detroit Red Wings in a game that mattered. Earlier in the preseason his Tampa Bay Lighting had played a light-hearted exhibition against his old team but nothing like what was at stake yesterday. Both teams are in 2nd place in their respective conferences but it was the Red Wings showing their offensive prowess last night in a 6-2 win.

NFL quarterbacks can generally be put into one of two categories. Either they tend to be good, honest God-fearing leaders of men or they tend to be complete screw-ups, vile degenerates more likely to be found crawling naked out of a whorehouse than studying film for their next game. Usually, the most successful quarterbacks fall into that first category. This is where you can find your crew-cut wearing heroes, like Bart Starr or Johnny Unitas. They are driven, hard-working champions who will accept nothing less than perfection, both on the field and off. Meanwhile, the members of the second category tend to be washouts and failures, like Ryan Leaf or Todd Marinovich. But occasionally, the stars align and create a perfect warrior who manages to be both a winner and an utter degenerate, and it is these fine men who we celebrate here today.

10 Joe Theismann
Joe Theismann is most famous for two things: having his leg ritually murdered by Lawrence Taylor who probably believed that the leg was filled with sweet, sweet crack and therefore had to be broken open, and for being a terrible announcer. But he also won a Super Bowl, which is made all the more impressive when you consider that he spent most of his time in and out of divorce court. Married three times, Theismann somehow managed to find the time in between screwing and fighting with his wives to steer the Redskins towards a Super Bowl title. As a bonus, Theismann also qualifies for father of the year seeing as how his son was busted for being a coke-head in 2002. Angry ex-wives, coke-head sons, mutilated legs… it’s all enough for Joe Theismann to sneak onto the list at number ten. Congrats, Joe!

9 Terry Bradshaw
Like Theismann, Bradshaw has seen his share of wedding chapels and divorce courts -– three of each to be exact. Still, despite the fact that to most observers Bradshaw has the IQ of a peanut and despite the fact that he spent more time dodging projectiles thrown by his angry wives than he did opposing linemen, he managed to win four Super Bowls as the quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Bradshaw gets extra points for his first wife, who was crowned Miss Teenage America in 1969. For perspective’s sake, that would be like Philip Rivers or Eli Manning marrying Miley Cirus or like Aaron Rodgers announcing that he found his new wife after cruising around the parking lot of a Green Bay high school. That’s some impressive degeneracy right there. Bradshaw also gets bonus points for showing his ass in the movie Failure to Launch, in which we’re also led to believe that he is porking Kathy Bates. Uh, on second thought maybe he should lose points for that.

8 Joe Montana
Like Theismann and Bradshaw, Joe Montana is a member of the Three Wives Club, but Montana gets extra points for ditching his second wife for his third, a model he met on the set of a commercial for Schick. Montana’s nicknames include Joe Cool and Golden Joe, and trust me, you don’t earn those nicknames through community service and extra tithing at church. A man named Joe Cool with three wives, one of whom is a model, has at least a healthy degenerate streak in him. It’s just the way it is, and for that, and for leading the 49ers to four Super Bowl titles despite the distractions that go along with said degeneracy, Montana manages to check in at number eight on this list.

7 Tom Brady
Brady is the heir to Joe Montana both off the field and on. Like Montana, Brady has carved out a reputation as the ultimate winner. And, like Montana, he’s managed to parlay that success and his All-American looks into a secondary career as a notorious man-whore. But Brady is not content just to be Joe Cool’s equal. Oh no. After all, in many ways he is the evolutionary Montana, and nowhere is that more obvious than his off the field conquests. Montana may have left his second wife for a run of the mill model, but Brady left his pregnant movie star girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, devastatingly gorgeous in her own right, for a bona fide supermodel, and perhaps the supermodel of the 21st century, Gisele Bundchen, who he then proceeded to also knock up. Well done, Tommy Boy. Meanwhile, Brady is also developing a reputation as a foppish dandy, complete with flowing locks and a predilection for Ugg Boots. Before too long, he’ll be tongue kissing dudes and banging his hot supermodel girlfriend at the same time. You better believe that’s enough to get him a spot on this list.

6 Jim McMahon
Jim McMahon is most famous for being the starting quarterback for the ’85 Bears team that won the Super Bowl and for starring in the infamous Super Bowl Shuffle rap video that accompanied that team’s success. He’s also well known for always wearing sunglasses and for pissing off head coach Mike Ditka. He also mooned reporters in the days leading up to the ’86 Super Bowl when they inquired about the health of his rumored to be injured ass. Impressive, but it’s not quite worthy of true degeneracy. What puts McMahon over the top is his post-career shenanigans, which are highlighted by a drunk driving arrest in 2003, where he supposedly told the police “I’m too drunk, you got me”, and by his role as spokesman for MVP, a company which specializes in “male enhancement.” Welcome to the list, Jim McMahon!

5 Joe Namath
Was there any doubt that Broadway Joe would be on this list? After all, he’s probably the most famous horn-dog in NFL history, the man who both legitimized the upstart AFL, and the man who dominated the New York City party scene like no other. In recent years, Namath has reintroduced himself to a younger audience through his drunken sexual harassment of sideline reported Suzy Kolber on live TV during a game, which reaffirmed his status as King of the NFL’s Cocksmen. Some will say this was a sad moment in an old man’s life, but those people don’t understand that it was just the crowning moment in the life of an old degenerate. Long live the king.

4 Brett Favre
Only a few years ago, Favre would have probably struggled to make this list. Sure, he had previously been exposed as a pill popping junky, but that was a long time ago and he had seemingly reformed his ways. Yeah, about that…

In the last year, we have learned more – much more – about Favre than we ever wanted to know. In addition to pain pills, Favre is also apparently addicted to sexting random women, from Jenn Sterger to his masseuse to, hell, probably the old lady who spends her retirement bagging his groceries at the supermarket. We also learned that The Ol’ Gunslinger is apparently packing a Derringer instead of a rifle. Once, Favre was held up as the paragon of manly toughness. Today, no one would be surprised if he was caught playing with himself at the local library. Oh well. You may not have retired with your dignity still intact, Brett, but at least you managed to move yourself up the rankings of one more list yet again.

3 Ken Stabler
Ken Stabler’s autobiography, published many years ago, was titled Snake and on the cover was a picture of an upside down Oakland Raiders helmet stuffed full of old beer cans. Inside were countless stories of Stabler running whores and playing while drunk and carrying on like the living, breathing definition of an utter degenerate. It is only a testament to the extreme degeneracy shown by the men at number one and number two on this list that Stabler isn’t ranked number one. He is degenerate royalty, the Duke of Drunk, the Count of… well, you get the point. He is an unrepentant degenerate, the sort of man who has racked up as many DUIs in the last 15 years – three – as he’s had divorces. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if Stabler was busted for drunkenly crashing a power boat in the Gulf of Mexico along with a harem of drunken hookers. This list is Ken Stabler’s destiny.

2 Ben Roethlisberger
The scope of Ben Roethlisberger’s degeneracy is perhaps not as wide as that of, say, Ken Stabler. His is not a career full of drunken missteps and wild parties. Instead, his is a career punctuated by extreme acts of degeneracy that would even leave a leading light of the degenerate community like Stabler shaking his head. After all, Roethlisberger is the only Super Bowl winning quarterback – hell, the only quarterback period – to be suspended by the NFL for allegedly sexually assaulting some poor lady. There’s a reason why Roger Goodell had to tell Roethlisberger to take a few snaps off and it’s not because he thought the dude was innocent. Look, there’s good wholesome degeneracy, which we have celebrated in this list, and then there’s the sordid, despicable degeneracy of Roethlisberger. I haven’t even mentioned that he was busted last summer for pissing all over a golf course and letting his junk flap in the breeze for all to see. That’s how heinous a degenerate Roethlisberger is. He’s a disgrace to the good names of men like Ken Stabler and Joe Namath.

1 Kurt Warner
I’m sure this is a bit of a surprise to most of you out there, who only know Kurt Warner as the wholesome, Christian family man whose presence on the football field was an inspiration to devotees of clean living everywhere. But what most of you don’t know is that Kurt Warner is actually Kurt Von Warner, suspected Nazi scientist*, who through decades of, uh, “research”, managed to develop a serum which both reversed the process of aging and allowed him to mask his true identity. Disguising himself as a lowly bagger in an Iowa grocery store, Warner fooled an entire nation into believing that he was just a humble product of hard work and determination. What people also don’t know is that Warner was forced to retire when a group of so-called “Nazi hunters” arrived from Israel, determined to take down the man once known as “Hitler’s Scourge” for his many atrocities committed before and during the second World War. It is even rumored that a group of Holocaust survivors broke down in tears when they saw Von Warner appear on their television screens during the Super Bowl, like some terrible ghost from hell. Sure, some people will say that this is all complete nonsense, made up because I needed one more quarterback to fill out this list, and it was either this or including Bob Griese for once making a mildly racist remark about Juan Pablo Montoya and tacos, but maybe – just maybe – Kurt Warner, or Kurt Von Warner I should say, is truly the greatest degenerate of them all.

[*EDITOR'S NOTE: Not true.]

92

Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Feller died at the age of 92 yesterday. The Cleveland Indian possessed what many experts believe to be one of the greatest fastballs in the history of the game. “Ted Williams called Mr. Feller “the fastest and best pitcher I ever saw during my career. . . . He had the best fastball and curve I’ve ever seen.’’ Stan Musial called him “probably the greatest pitcher of our era.’’ High praise from some of the game’s greats.

3-4-11

The current NFL collective bargaining agreement ends on March 4, 2011–Commissioner Roger Goodell believes a deal can get done before that. According to several sources, the main issue remains the owners demanding to restructure the players’ share of designated revenues. Another, slightly less hot button topic is the move to 18 games. While it may mean more dollars at the ticket gates, the union fears that it will also mean less players, less years, etc.

1689

Niklas Lidstrom is one of the more decorated players in NHL history. He is a 4-time Stanley Cup champion and has been the Norris Award winner for best defenseman more times than he can count. The one monkey Lidstrom has never been able to get off his back however, is the hat trick. And after 1689 games in the NHL (regular + playoff), Lidstrom finally pulled off the feat last night against the St. Louis Blues in a 5-2 victory. He grabbed an assist to pad his stats as well.

11

The Celtics may have just won their 11th in a row but the bigger story seems to be the Knicks resurgence into meaningful basketball. Amare Stoudemire’s 3-pointer came right after the buzzer, otherwise, we wouldn’t be talking about the moral victory for the Knicks. Regardless, coach Mike D’antoni looks like he now has the foundation in place to possibly make NY a contender next year. That is, unless, James Dolan brings Isiah Thomas back into the fold.

16

Can the BCS be toppled? Perhaps. But it would probably take somebody who had not only had a lot of money but a lot of pull in the sports world. Enter in Mark Cuban. The brash owner of the Dallas Mavericks has now set his eyes on a playoff system for college football. “The more I think about it, the more sense it makes…” Cuban said. “You can do something the whole country wants done.” I’m not as sold as Cuban is about the rest of the country wanting a playoff system but I applaud his effort for at least, trying to do something about the BCS, which currently, is barely functional.

118.6

There was talk this week in Indiana that Peyton Manning was past his prime and he couldn’t get the job done anymore. Well, for at least one game, he seemed to have regained the touch that has made him one of the better quarterback of all-time. Manning threw for 319 yards and 2 TDs in the Colts win over the Titans last night. He was near perfect completing 25 of 35 passes en route to a 118.6 QB rating. Hopefully, that type of performance will hold off the fans for awhile.

7

It looks the Red Sox and Yankees are taking their rivalry into the off-season as well. Both teams have made splashes thus far, however, none was bigger than the Carl Crawford signing the other day for Boston. The Yankees are still trying to figure out a deal to get Cliff Lee for that 7th year but nothing has been determined as of yet. Stay tuned though–something may very well come down the pipes today.

18

After making the trek all the way to Mount Kilimanjaro for a fundraising event, 18-time Grand Slam winner Martina Navratilova had to stop because of an illness. “Navratilova, 54, had to stop the climb of Africa’s highest mountain on the fourth day when the expedition had reached an altitude of 4,500 meters”. Nonetheless, fairly impressive for a women her age to be climbing mountains.

180,000

With all due respect to Cam Newton, I don’t believe a word of what he said yesterday. Newton reiterated that he has done nothing wrong when he decided to play for Auburn. “Newton’s father, Cecil, was found by Auburn and the NCAA to have asked for money from Mississippi State in exchange for a letter of intent from his son, a violation of NCAA rules. Cam Newton said, “Everything I’ve done at this university, I did it the right way,”. Yes, I’m sure you and your dad are working independently Cam. Sorry, I call b.s.

18

One of the big sticking points for the new NFL collective bargaining agreement will be the 18-game schedule. It’s definitely something owners are looking for but not something players necessarily want. Last year, the NFL set a record for numbers of players going on the IR and with the number of devastating helmet-to-helmet hits this year, it’s a wonder how some teams will field a squad with two more games.

We all know how hard it is to come up with a solid Halloween costume. But imagine if you were an NFL coach right in the middle of your busy season. I know, right? If you watched HBO’s Hard Knocks you know that Rex Ryan doesn’t have much time for anything except football, and maybe handfuls of M & Ms. So we took the time to pick out 10 Halloween costumes that are perfectly suited for him.

10 Peter Griffin
This one is easy to envision, especially with this cartoon we found on the interwebs. The only thing that might stop Rex from picking Peter Griffin? Peter Griffin used to play for the Patriots. Shipoopi! Shipoopi!!

9 Big Balls from Wipeout
Chalk this one up under time savers. Really, all Rex needs to do here is get a red sheet and cut a hole in it for the head.

8 Mark Mangino
Rex already rocks the sweater vest look, so he just needs to find a one with the KU logo. Then grow a stache and get one of those bald head masks, cut out some holes for side hair. Both of them like to use colorful language. The only difference is that for Rex it made him a beloved TV figure. It got Mangino canned from his gig.

7 Sergeant Jay Landsman, The Wire
If you haven’t watched The Wire, most normal Americans probably don’t even want to talk to you. But for the uninformed, not only do Rex and the Sarge share the same physique, they also enjoy the liberal usage of salty language.

6 Shrek
Shrek’s not the hottest pop culture icon right now, but Rex could easily pull this off with some green make-up and a vest. Maybe bush up those eyebrows a tad.

5 Patrick from SpongeBob
Keeping with the cartoon theme, Rex would make a fantastic Patrick from SpongeBob. They seem to have the same happy-go-lucky disposition and hearty belly laughs.

4 Kirstie Alley
Maybe a bit of a stretch here, but if Rex is feeling a little frisky, he can don a wig and a dress and tote around a bag full of fast food. And voila! Kirstie Alley.

3 Butterbean
Butterbean is a professional boxer and sort of mixed martial artist. Rex could shave his dome, throw on the USA trunks and some boxing gloves and he’d make a perfect Butterbean. The prospect of seeing him with his shirt off could make this also double as a scary costume.

2 Jonah Hill
I get the feeling that come 20 years or so, Jonah Hill will look a lot like the current version of Rex Ryan. Plus, Rex Ryan is the Jonah Hill of NFL coaches. Pretty much everything out of his mouth is a cuss word.

1 Lots-O from Toy Story 3
Saving the best for last. Rex would make a fantastic Lots-O. That both have that cheery disposition that can go south in a hurry if you make him angry.

74

The St. John’s basketball staff has a new addition in the form of 74-year old Gene Keady. He’ll act as an advisor to head coach Steve Lavin. Keady, who has been out of the coaching game since his retirement from Purdue in 2005 will stay with the Red Storm from October to April.

8

T-Mac assures Pistons fans that he is fine and will play in the regular season opener. But for now, he’s opted to sit out the remaining games of the preseason. His sum total of minutes thus far in a Pistons uniform…8 against the Miami Heat. Oddly enough, that’s also the Vegas line for number of games he will play for the rest of his career.

100

Michael Jordan certainly isn’t shy about his abilities. Speaking on the NBA’s leniency for defense and the less physical nature, MJ had this to say…”Based on these rules, if I had to play with my style of play, I’m pretty sure I would have fouled out or I would have been at the free throw line pretty often and I could have scored 100 points”. Nevermind that the highest point total he ever produced was still 31 points away from that mark. On behalf of NBA fans everywhere, shut up Michael.

1,000,000,000

If the NFL has a lockout for the 2011 season, the repercussions will be felt league wide. From players to owners to stadium staff to vendors. Wednesday, the Wall Street Journal citing NFL sources said that the cost of a lockout could mean as much as one billion dollars. Yea, good luck recovering from that.

650,000

As somebody who has visited more than a few gentleman’s club establishments, I can verify what those ladies do on the pole is considered sport. Much more so than bowling, golf, or at times baseball. So consider this one of the largest out of pocket settlements in sports history. A stripper named “Suki” at a West Palm Beach club accidentally punctured a man’s eye socket with her high heel. The man suffered broken bones because of the ordeal and yesterday received $650k as a result. We hear he plans on making it rain sometime soon.

.067

After only their third win in almost two years, the Detroit Lions boast a paltry .067 winning percentage. But let’s not rain on their parade too much. Their dominating win over the Rams Sunday showed teams that the Lions aren’t the pushover most thought they were this year. In fact, had it not been for one of the stupidest rules in sports during Week 1, you’re arguably looking at the best .500 team in the NFL.

100

Yet again, more problems at the Commonwealth games. Although, this one is probably more on the athletes themselves. Nigerian sprinter Osayomi Oludamola tested positive for Methylexanemine and her 100-meter win will more than likely be stripped. Oddly enough though, the substance can be found in OTC nutritional supplements and cooking oils. Given the Commonwealth games’ problems with sanitation, I wouldn’t be surprised if it was found in the drinking water too.

175

According to the NFL, there are roughly 175 concussions a year. The latest culprit was none other than Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers who suffered the injury on the last offensive play of the game versus the Redskins. No word yet on his status for next week.

12

We certainly applaud the regular season effort from the Minnesota Twins the last few years. But their playoff performances leave a lot to be desired. They lost in the first round…..AGAIN and were swept by the New York Yankees ….AGAIN. It’s starting to become a yearly tradition folks. The loss marked the Twins’ 12th straight in postseason play. That level of ineptitude has only been matched by one other organization, the Boston Red Sox, who boast 13 consecutive losses on their resume.

3

There simply isn’t a rock big enough to hide a person after three errors in a playoff game. So in a way, we feel for Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad. His multi-error game essentially cost the Braves a win when in the 9th inning a ball rolled just below his glove to score the winning run. “It was completely embarrassing…once again, I feel like I let everyone down”, Conrad said afterwards. Bobby Cox said he was unsure if the second baseman would get a chance to redeem himself in Game 4.

19

Alabama’s 19-game winning streak came to a screeching halt over the weekend in South Carolina. And now, for the first time in quite a while, the SEC does not hold the top spot in the AP polls. The unbeaten Buckeyes who seem destined to roll through the Big Ten undefeated stand at #1 today.

1972

Don Shula and the 1972 Dolphins will be popping their Champagne bottles much earlier than expected this year. Just five weeks into the NFL season and not a single undefeated NFL team remains. The NFL wanted parity and they certainly have it. A month into the season and the Cowboys, who many picked to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, have as many wins as the Detroit Lions.

The Baltimore couple saw a long line at the restroom and decided to buy beer and fries until the line diminished. They spotted a plastic cup on the counter and used it to pour ketchup for the fries.

[While waiting for their beers,] the couple engaged in what Marchetto characterized as “casual kissing.” Almost immediately, she said, a security guard and a supervisor told the women to “stop making a scene.” They were warned three times but continued because, according to Marchetto, ”the kissing was heartfelt and decent in the real sense and was not any different from what numerous law-abiding straight couples were doing all around us.”

Marchetto says the security guard then demanded to see the women’s IDs and told them to leave the stadium immediately. The reason they were given for being asked to leave was being accused of stealing a cup and a beer from the concession stand.

The women both deny that they took anything and insist that they were ejected just because of their kissing.

Well, both ladies seem fairly attractive (pic here) so I completely support them in their fight. Actually, even if they weren’t attractive, they should be allowed to kiss in a football stadium. You’re watching a game where 300-pound men fry each others’ brains to the point that they can barely walk or remember where to go to the bathroom…two girls sharing a small kiss by the beer line is pretty low priority.

Plus, I’m pretty sure attempting to stop attractive women from kissing is a violation of a constitutional amendment. That’s one of the things this country was founded on, I tell myself while shouting at women at bars.

Lesbian couple ejected from Ravens game [Washington Blade]

As a way of protecting football player’s from suffering catastrophic head injuries, amateur leagues as well as the NFL have made it a point to blow a play dead if the ball carrier’s helmet comes off.

Unfortunately, the refs in this high school game on Friday were a bit slow to blow the whistle. So although this kid scored arguably the touchdown of his life, it was called back after the fact.

Personally, I blame Jim Joyce.

In what appears to be a campaign for female football fans, the NFL is running commercials for Alyssa Milano’s clothing line, Touch. Milano, who has been in the apparel business for quite some time now, sells everything from hoodies to pants for professional and college teams. Certainly a far cry from her days as teenage boy heartthrob Samantha Micelli. The mere mention of the name causes a pleasant disturbance in my manly area. Something I’m sure you couldn’t have gone throughout the day without knowing.

As for the NFL wanting more female fans, I say the more the merrier. Especially if that woman looks like Milano, is barely clothed and cooks food round the clock during the game–preferably nachos, wings, and those little mini pizzas. Any ladies like that around?

Video via With Leather:

What started out as a simple penalty explanation for NFL referee Carl Cheffers quickly turned into a rumbling bumbling soliloquy that he will soon never forget.

And of course, the clip becomes infinitely better when set to Yakety Sax.

Our resident football expert Matthew Shepatin, who teamed up with Hall of Fame Jets receiver Don Maynard to recount his days as Joe Namath’s favorite target in You Can’t Catch Sunshine, out today, peers into the future and tells you with absolute certainty what’s going to happen this NFL season. Get your popcorn ready, son.

1. Ben Roethlisberger stars in new black-and-white Nike commercial, featuring his father’s voice from the grave. Creepy part: his dad is still alive.

2. The Chiefs have brought in a new Associate Director of Group Sales. Even if he pans out, I still remain skeptical the Chiefs reach the playoffs this year.

3. The New Orleans Saints bid for a repeat Super Bowl will end abruptly after Plaxico Burress’ gun accidently goes off in Drew Brees’s pants

4. Bill Belichick proves, once and for all, that he can plug any player into his system and be successful, moving the “fat guy” from CBS’ Mike & Molly over to the weak side.

5. Roger Goodell fines Ocho Cinco $25,000 for updating Tumblr in the huddle.

6. Rex Ryan shows the world that he’s not full of hot air. It’s really gross and bloody in there.

7. Michael Vick finally earns redemption after saying one ‘Our Father’ and throwing three Hail Marys.

8. While head coach Lovie Smith’s decision to go with Devin Hester as the Chicago Bears number one receiver was the disaster that fans and the media predicted, nobody saw how it would lead to a solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict.

9. Seattle Seahawks players not sure how to tell new coach Pete Carroll that his Beiber cut “just not working”.

10. New Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb gets his revenge on millions of unappreciative Philadelphia Eagles fans, beaming them all with snowballs.

11. Kanye West hijacks Taylor Swift’s Super Bowl half-time performance to announce that the Pottsville Maroons deserved the 1925 NFL title instead of the Chicago Cardinals. He later apologizes to Swift, offering to produce, write and perform her next ten albums.

12. Spoiler Alert: Tim Tebow. Cylon.

13. With the AFL Wild-Card game on the line, receiver T. J. Houshmandzadeh will make an incredible circus catch, only to be run over by a clown car short of the goal line.

14. To his credit, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers makes a strong push for the NFL’s Most Valuable Player Award. Still a virgin.

15. Halfway through the season fed-up Bengals fans tell T.O. to go f#@k himself. However, some feel that him doing it on the Dallas Star was uncouth.

16. Over on the 49ers bench, back-up quarterback David Carr accuses back-up kicker Shane Andrus of passing wind. Andrus counter-attacks that, ‘he who smealt it, dealt it’.

17. Good news, Dallas fans: Tony Romo will be in the zone during the playoffs. Bad news: it will be the Auto Zone.

18. The surprising Carolina Panthers battle the New Orleans Saints for a Super Bowl berth in the NFC Championship. Even Panthers fans secretly hope they lose, knowing Saints versus any AFL team will make a far more compelling game.

19. The Raiders passing attack, while improved from a year ago, is still no match for Skynet.

20. New York Giants win Super Bowl. NFL awards the Lombardi trophy to Dallas in order to keep it a respectful distance from Ground Zero.

21. Everybody comments that the Super Bowl commercial starring “Old Spice Guy” was hilarious. It won’t be funny at all.