Marine rapper asks Betty White to Marine Corps Ball
“She’s funny, sweet, mature — she’s the all-around perfect woman.”

Rachel Uchitel returns hush money to Tiger, threatens Gloria Allred
“Rachel’s lawyer has given Gloria a deadline, and if Gloria doesn’t ante up … a legal malpractice lawsuit will be filed.”

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony to do joint reality show as planned
“Q’Viva! the hotly anticipated 2012 celebration of Latin music, artistry and dance, is set to film this autumn in South America…”

David Duchovny & Tea Leoni back together after split
“The actors wed in 1997 and separated for the first time in 2008.”

Rebecca Black releasing new single “My Moment”
“‘My Moment’ will be available for purchase Tuesday on iTunes and other online retailers.”

Sarah Palin documentary opens to empty theaters & terrible reviews
“An excruciating combination of bombast and whining.”

Jenna Fischer’s pregnancy will play out on The Office
“Pam and Jim snuck away last season on Valentine’s Day, and they had sex.”

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
“Lachey and Minnillo’s destination wedding will be televised on a TLC special…”

Casey Anthony will have ‘issues’ for a long time
“As long as there are so many people of the lynch-mob mentality, those willing to deny the fact that the jury found her not guilty, she’s going to have issues.”

Brooke Mueller headed south of the border for extreme rehab
“Brooke is going to a treatment facility in Cancun that specializes in prescribing a drug that is not legal in the U.S.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Beyonce’s new music video for her song “Best Thing I Never Had.”

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Alec Baldwin is urging Blake Lively to strip for PETA. Alec Baldwin is the smartest man in the entire world. (Then she’s free to do that Playboy thing we discussed a while back.)

>>> Quote of the year? Cougar Town actor Josh Hopkins calls Jennifer Aniston a “sport f–k”. I like you Josh Hopkins. Whoever the hell you are.

>>> Heidi Klum quit Victoria’s Secret. A moment of silence, please.

>>> Gisele Bundchen was photographed canoodling (yes, I said canoodling) with a man who is not Tom Brady. I am sure there is a logical explanation for it though. Like she is a whore or something straightforward like that.

>>> Dane Cook strikes out with the ladies just like you. Only he has a lot of money to make him feel better.

>>> Jessica Simpson’s career seems to be going well.

>>> Khloe Kardashian is trying to get pregnant. And yet people still need to pass tests just to drive a car.

>>> Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey take showers twice a day together. Meanwhile, we’re at work, slaving away for a buck. Ugh.

>>> Lindsay Lohan has multiple personalities. So says a “longtime Lindsay Lohan associate”. What’s more shocking? That LiLo has multiple personalities? Or that she has a longtime associate?

>>> Oh yeah, Lindsay’s also back in rehab. For the sixth time. I’m sure it’ll work this time though.

>>> At least she has Charlie Sheen’s support. That’ll get her over the hump, for sure.

>>> Paris Hilton is set to begin serving the 200 hours of community service as part of her cocaine plea deal. Most likely visiting sick kids and helping out at an animal shelter. Wait, who is being punished here?

>>> Speaking of Paris Hilton, her boyfriend ran over a photographer, and there was video. Frankly I am surprised he didn’t run over a gas pump. You know, to kill himself… because he’s Paris Hilton’s boyfriend.

>>> Eminem is returning to acting for a sex drama named 360. A sex drama, you say? Sounds like Jenny McCarthy might want to get in on some of that.

>>> Emma Watson is back at Brown University for her second year of college, horrific haircut and all.

Today’s sexy video comes to us from Lynx Rise and features Jessica-Jane Clement. Why am I giving them free advertising, you say? Did I mention it featured Jessica-Jane Clement?