Guyism » Ninja Turtles

9 wholly unnecessary licensed children’s products

Chris Spags — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 13:00:34 +0000

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

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Just because kids are idiots who’ll buy anything with their favorite character’s face slapped on the box doesn’t mean that toy companies should take advantage of them. Here’s some of the most odious licensed crap to have ever been hawked as “fun” or “worth buying.”

9 WWF Thumb Wrestlers

What boy didn’t grow up and enjoy a flirtation with wrestling at some point in his life? And what boy doesn’t enjoy a good bout of physical competition of any sort? So you tie those two things together, add one plastic Hulk Hogan and one plastic Roddy Piper (because it’s logical to make one of the only free games people can play less cost-effective) and presto! You get this:

At first glance, you’d think Hogan and Piper must have also spent some time in the showers with Kamala because there’s no way of explaining their overly generous rectums otherwise. Fortunately, it’s okay…the holes are actually in the spine of the toys, not the bung. Still, thumb wrestling seems so much less innocent when there’s shirtless men involved and victory seems to entail forcibly sodomizing your opponent.

8 Spider-Man Web Shooters

One can only assume that Hasbro bought companies that had an excess of both rubber gloves and silly string when releasing this poor excuse for Spider-Man’s web. Or they just wanted a quick buck, which is stunning for a multinational corporation.

You could certainly see the appeal as a child of wanting to be like Spider-Man, with his web slinging him around, sticking from building to building. Then you can see less of an appeal when you actually buy the product and end up with one gloved hand (like Michael Jackson) shooting a sticky fluid at young young male friends while pretending that it’s web (also like Michael Jackson).

7 The Simpsons Don’t Have a Cow boardgame

Of course, the first thing that comes to mind with The Simpsons is how careful they are with their brand. Matt Groening and 20th Century Fox were never ones to latch The Simpsons name onto any old piece of crap, of course. So clearly a Simpsons dice game is going to be as revolutionary and unique as the show was.

Roll the 8 cubes which have pictures each of the 5 Simpsons. Try to match classic combinations like Homer and Marge, Bart and Homer or the 3 Simpson kids.

Players bet either against or with the dice roller. Losing bets go to the roller, winning bets come from the bank.

So hold on. This isn’t even a board game…it’s not even craps. It’s basically you rolling dice with little yellow people’s faces on them (which, for the record, you had to STICK ON YOURSELF…lazy child laborers at the factory not doing it for me), hoping that certain combinations come up. You wouldn’t see Ashy Larry with such an inferior product in the back alleys of Brooklyn or at the World Series of Dice, I guarantee you that much.

6 Ninja Turtles Vanilla Pudding Pies

I might be completely off base here, but I remember a different version of this pie pictured above that was yellow on the outside with green ooze on the inside. And even if that was just one of my drug-fueled 5 year-old hallucinations (of which there are many), this is still pretty heinous. Green foods of any sort are just gross, even if you’re a little kid and you really enjoy heinous things. Even ketchup, which is pretty much as simple a sell as you can get, couldn’t get something green off the ground…Heinz’s green ketchup line was discontinued in 2006.

Honestly, I don’t know why the Ninja Turtles made such a strong push towards food. I’m not sure how much stock I can put in the flavor habits of mutants who enjoyed thing like peanut butter and sardines on their pizza. Check out some of their other heinous foods here.

5 Hannah Montana Concert Candy

Sure, they’re delicious and not at all nutritious, but what immature tween with a hankering for sugar wouldn’t immediately start giggling when they see these? Then again, this was a pretty good compromise for Miley Cyrus. She’s probably not a huge fan of gummy treats but she certainly seems to have a hankering for boys and all their worldly goods, so for all we know, the phallic design may have been intentional.

4 Mario Bubble Bath

Granted, I’m not big on “bubble baths” or “personal hygiene” but this Mario bubble bath just seems like something I wouldn’t want. Mario could endorse a lot of products that I’d buy; Overalls, self-help books on how to overcome shortness, spring-loaded sneakers, even a grocer’s line of mushrooms…I’d line up for any of those. But when I picture a hairy Italian plumber having to run through a kingdom for days on end, eating all kinds of foreign foods and just working up a perpetual sweat, it’s not my first instinct to go, “Man, I’d love to smell like that fictional guy!”

Meanwhile, Bowser was powerful, daring, successful (he owned multiple castles, boats, AND flying ships) and probably smelled of the finest colognes and spices. I’m not saying Princess Peach should have picked him over Mario, but maybe she should have put a little more thought into it.

3 My Little Pony Ponyville Fancy Fashion Boutique

Girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Apparently, the “everything nice” portion of things includes hay and horse crap because this little girl beauty kit with stuff like hair ties, shopping bags, hangers and other crap includes two perfume bottles. You can show me the prettiest pony in the world with the most lush mane and the most gorgeous physique and I can show 730 gangrenous bums who will still smell better than that pony. It’s basic Hobonomics.

2 Wonder Woman Lava Lamp

I’m doubting there are many kids who went after this one. Wonder Woman did some cool crap, sure, but I don’t think as a child anyone out there is trying to advertise their dedication to her craft.

But clearly someone out there has to have bought this. And to that person, I’m not going to say that there’s something wrong with Wonder Woman. I’m not even going to say that there’s something wrong with owning a lava lamp (it’s got lava, it supplies light, what more can you want). But when you think you need to get something to enrich your room’s ambiance and settle on a lava lamp adorned with Wonder Woman’s visage, you may need to reevaluate your priorities in life. Unless you’ve totally committed to the theme and also feature a bed made out of lassos and an invisible car that you ride to work every day. Though that may open you up to larger problems.

1 Hulk Hands

Hulk Hands could cure cancer and you’d imagine yourself looking like this guy above (assuming you’re equally as partial to tunics) and you’d probably think twice before wearing them around. On the plus side, they do awesome things like…make sounds when you hit them against things. So if you ever wanted to hear a silly growling smashing sound while hitting someone in the groin with padded hands, this might be the right purchase for you. Though I despise you for finding a way to take the humor and whimsy out of hitting someone in the groin.

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Anything that you regrettably wasted your hard-earned kid money on? You know, the crispy dollar bills you got from that stranger in the van who called them “Keep A Secret” payments? Share them below! The suggestions, not your traumatic memories.

Ninja Turtle robs a Wendy’s in Wisconsin

Chris Spags — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 19:30:20 +0000

For years, the media has presented Ninja Turtles, both teenage and mutant or otherwise, as heroes for our generation. But it may be time to reassess that view after seeing this story about a renegade turtle who robbed a Wendy’s in Rib Mountain, Wisconsin.

Police say that a man clad in a mask like the one pictured left held up the Wendy’s last week.

According to the police report, two men were responsible for the robbery with one dressed up in the aforementioned Ninja Turtle attire along with a very un-turtlelike blue sweatshirt.

The robbers wielded a handgun and duct taped Wendy’s employees’ hands and ankles while they stole all the money from the registers.

Both men are still on the run and police are looking for any leads. It is unclear at this time whether they’ve tried to leave a pizza with peanut butter and taco sauce in a bear trap to lure in the criminal mastermind.

This is not the kind of thing a Ghostbuster would pull, that’s for sure. Mostly because you don’t get to building proto packs and ghost-catching electromagnetic traps by living in a sewer with a talking rat in a kimono. If anything, we shouldn’t be shocked the Ninja Turtles turned to crime. Sleeping next to feces, not being able to afford pants, and only eating Dominos seem like perfectly justifiable reasons to turn to a life of crime.

Sheriff: Investigation continues into Wendy’s robbery [WAOW]

9 of the most eerily cultlike kids shows

Chris Spags — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 13:00:42 +0000

These days, children’s TV doesn’t take many chances. Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named “Map”. But it hasn’t always been that way. Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises they were based on.

9 Fraggle Rock
Aired: HBO, 1983-87
Cult interests: Elaborate musical performances, living like Al Qaeda

The Fraggles were an odd group, held together by a dreamy, guitar-playing leader named Gobo. He was usually pretty even-tempered, presumably excluding the times he played Wonderwall for Fragglegals Red and Mokey in an effort to coerce them into “dream sharing” together (you see, Fraggles could share a common dream by laying together with heads touching as they go to sleep). And they were a cohesive unit, other than Wembley, the “out there” Fraggle. In this clip, he’s daring to fly.

Look at the way the Fraggles seem disgusted by how Wembley dares to be different or unconventional. So dismissive they are. Then again, when your cultish cohesion leads to beautifully performed numbers like the Fraggle Rock theme, I guess that’s a sacrifice you can afford to make.

8 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Aired: Syndicated/CBS, 1987-1996
Cult interests: Weapons training, cross-promotional ventures on everything from bath bubbles to pies with green goo in them

A group of immature, driftless mutant turtles are held together by two things: the rigid structure of martial arts and Splinter, their mutant rat father figure (who was basically just a random dude with no real relevance to their lives). Even their theme has an odd brainwashed type of repetition to it.

Donatello could have been a great scientist. Leonardo could have been the first Turtle-American nominee for President. Raphael could have been a famous personality. Michaelangelo… was kind of a retard, but he’d have figured it out. They all could have done great things, but instead they were living in a sewer, eating pizza with weird crap like peanut butter and polar bear entrails on it, being forced basically into slave heroism, and hoping that April O’Neil would through them a pity boning.

On the plus side, Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince was the voice of Shredder in the original cartoon. Man, you learn all kinds of crazy things on the Internet.

7 Power Rangers
Aired: FOX, ABC, Disney, ABC Family, Disney again, Nickelodeon… 1993-wow this thing is still going
Cult interests: Robots saying “ay yay yay”, bad voice dubbing

This is an odd one because, of all these shows on the list, the kids who made up the original Power Rangers were the most normal. They were good looking, athletic, charismatic, intelligent. But the siren song of controlling giant robots and listening to a talking floating head and his robot domestic partner was too much of a lure to keep these kids on the straight and narrow. He’s all floaty. Dreamlike. Who wouldn’t be sucked into that? Plus I’d get to learn kickass martial arts and drive around a badass robot (or a frog if you’re the black dude). Huh, you know, other than the always being on call and constantly having to explain to your parents why you smell like sparks and over-sized monster, seems like a sweet deal. You have to wonder though what the Rangers’ Angel Grove was like before all this. Were the monsters just integrated in society? What was Zordon up to? I’m going to guess a lot of daytime TV.

6 Captain Planet
Aired: TBS, 1990-96
Cult interests: Being green, multicultural “love-ins”

The lives of five seemingly incredibly different kids are brought together by one purpose, to serve a mulleted blue guy and some wacky fairy lady who only appears to them in visions. The show breeds contempt for society in the form of the constant attacks on industrialism (“Stop polluting, wah wah,” said Captain Planet while putting on his Maxi pad) and regularly has characters coming across some bizarre hallucinations, including a race of mouse people with odd sideburns.

The Planeteers are unified by the powers granted to them as a result of their symbiotic relationship. There’s no independence. In fact, in every episode one of the characters gets frustrated with being a part of this little multicultural creep factory, they end up getting into massive problems and have to beg their way back into the group. But Captain Planet probably isn’t the cult leader. He’s just a pawn for that invisible sex pot Gaia. Come on, what cult is kept together by love of the planet alone?

5 Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Aired: Nickelodeon, 1990-2000
Cult interests: Avoiding reality, buying new underpants

What do you do when you’re a child who doesn’t quite fit in? You seek a familial bond that you can’t find at home or at school. Such is the case of the Midnight Society, a group of pubescent kids who go into a forest every weekend and DON’T drink or hook up. While that might be better than the alternative theoretically, it’s pretty unhealthy.

These kids don’t really have anything common. They’re not pals. The only reason they stick together is because they terrify each other, gripping irrationally to absurd situations as a means of escaping their tortured reality of abusive families and torturous exclusion.

Except for Elisha Cuthbert, who appeared at the end of the show’s run. She was cool. She was probably just a spy for the government checking in on these freaks to see what’s up. Don’t lump her in with these other wads.

4 The Smurfs
Aired: Syndicated, 1981-89
Cult interests: Etymology, Vladimir Lenin

The Smurfs were all dressed the same with slight personality differences and every episode was based around the fundamental principle of one Smurf failing at life, turning to Papa Smurf for advice, and everything being okay. Papa Smurf ruled these Smurfs with an iron thumb. The comparisons of the Smurfs to communism have been made multiple times, but what about the comparisons of Papa Smurf to Jim Jones. He has his own little agricultural community, he had a power over all those that followed him, he was the one with the distinguishable outfit. But that would make Gargamel like Leo Ryan. And I don’t think that Leo Ryan wanted to eat the Jonestown inhabitants in a delicious Jones pie, though I guess I could be wrong.

3 Snorks
Aired: NBC, 1984-86
Cult interests: Saving money on scuba equipment, sucking

The Snorks was basically a bootleg version of the Smurfs in every way. And if Papa Smurf was the Jim Jones of cartoon cult leaders, Snork “leader” Allstar Seaworthy was the Marshall Applewhite. Only, unlike Papa Smurf, Allstar was out there trying to bed every Snork with an open Snorkhole. And, judging by this episode in which Allstar is trying to date two girls at once, there were a lot of open Snorkholes to be found.

You couldn’t go three minutes into any episode of the Snorks before you got sick of hearing the word Snork in every sentence. It wasn’t even like it was a verbal crutch or a language tool like with the Smurfs. They just tacked “snork” onto everything. Snorkball, the movie Snorkbusters, snorkplans, third snorkmester snorkbortions, ugh. I get it. It’s just so much less charming. It probably doesn’t help that they all seem to have pompous names; Wellington Wetworth, Samantha Waters, Allstar Seaworthy… it’s like Gossip Girl with little colorful people.

2 Powerpuff Girls
Aired: Cartoon Network, 1998-2005
Cult interests: Keeping diaries, Sarah Palin

They’re kind of adorable. And they’re empowering for girls. And their “dad” is kind of a boob who they run circles around, so maybe he’s not exactly David Koresh, but come on! They were made in a lab solely to fight battles for Professor Utonium. He’s too weak to control others so he just mixed some crap up in a blender and POW: Superhuman little adorable anime girls. Just like real life.

Also, totally unrelated, but WTF was up with their main adversary being a superintelligent monkey? Granted I’ve only seen the show here or there with my little cousins (regardless of the Powerpuff Girls’ ubiquitous presence on my comforter), but while I can suspend disbelief enough to buy girls being created in a lab by a scientist NOT for the purpose of sex (Weird Science was a documentary), the monkey thing… bit much.

1 Teletubbies
Aired: PBS, 1997-2001
Cult interests: Staring contests, hanging out in meadows

Just look at them, in the same outfits with different colors with the same lobotomized stares and inability to articulate themselves. The Teletubbies, to put it lightly, “aren’t all there.” The show wasn’t without its scrutiny, what with Tinky Winky being accused of being a twinky… winky. But it’s just weird to watch. Like they’re all lobotomized and with their stupid names and odd voices and kind of unhinged yet overly calm demeanors, it’s just all kind of disconcerting.

Good thing they couldn’t really form sentences, otherwise the dialogue might have featured Po going, “That doesn’t feel like a hand, Tinky Winky. Feels more like a finger! But it’s all swollen! Did you jam your finger? Oh… oh no. Oh no.” Anyway, these monstrosities against humanity had weird names probably bestowed upon them by some “higher power”… my guess: the creepy narrator throwing his voice. Listen to the way he talks. He knows what they’re doing a little too well if you ask me.

VIDEO: Fan-made “Ninja Turtles” prequel is dark, pretty well done

Chris Spags — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 14:59:45 +0000

With the news that the fan-made “Mortal Kombat: Rebirth” trailer will lead to a series of webisodes, now seems like as good a time as ever to make a trailer of your favorite concept. Another team is trying that with a darker version of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”. The effort is not too shabby.

I’ve always felt like the original “Ninja Turtles” series didn’t have enough Macbooks, women getting punched in the face, or an air of rape, so this pleased me tremendously.

That said, I don’t think every fan remake has to go dark and gritty like these two have. Though I’m personally looking forward to some fan’s retelling of the Care Bears saga as a group of aliens enslaved by their own leaders, forced to flee to Earth in the hopes of finding salvation, only to be brutally hunted down and killed in gangland style executions. It’s just where I’ve always dreamed of the story going.

[Thanks for the tip, Jason]

The 11 dumbest things cartoons have taught us

Chris Spags — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 13:00:19 +0000

Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.

11 Swimming in a pool of gold coins

Sure, Scrooge McDuck always seemed to be having a ball when he’d dive into his money pit and splash around. He’d even take coins into his mouth and spit them back up. Take a look:

You know what’d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins? It wouldn’t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir. You’d probably be paralyzed at best. Or dead at worst. No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly… that’s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jell-o.

10 Abandoning your children

Look at that photo of Dora the Explorer above… you know what you see up there other than Dora? A ball, a drum, a baseball bat, even a freaking monkey. You know what you don’t see? PARENTAL SUPERVISION. And this is what happens:

As much as I’d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they’d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one. In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, “Welp my little ethnic child, here’s a singing map and a bag full of crap… go explore!” How the f do they even know that she’ll eat? All I’m saying is that, if I had any say, I’d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.

9 Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious

The Ninja Turtles would always be eating pizza, which is bad enough for you health-wise. But then they’d throw stuff like peanut butter, taco meat, butter, baby seal, I dunno… human brains maybe… on there. You know what’s good on pizza? Like maybe 10 things on Earth. Pizza places aren’t terrified of change or something, there’s just stuff that goes well on pizza and stuff that doesn’t. Unfortunately, your car keys weren’t meant to go with sauce and mozzarella, Ninja Turtles. And yes, I’m looking at you McDonald’s pizza.

The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn’t the best thing either. Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them. Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated four minutes ago?

8 Sleeping in a haunted house with a talking dog

I love animals with all my heart. It’s my biggest weakness. I also have a fondness for mystery (not really, but let’s pretend). But I have no interest in bringing my dog with me, no matter how intelligent and able-to-speak he is. And let’s be honest, your dog isn’t as smart as Scooby-Doo. Rather than unwittingly unmasking the villain of the moment, he’d probably end up crapping on the floor and licking his crotch while you and your friends get violently stabbed and raped. Granted, that wouldn’t have made as fun of a cartoon, but still.

7 Cross-dressing to seduce your enemies

As much as I’d like to believe that putting on a Chiquita Banana hat, some lipstick, and throwing my self-respect out the window would allow me to completely control my arch-nemesis, it’s probably not the best idea. Even if it works. Unless that’s what you’re into. In which case, I applaud both your strength in embracing that side of yourself so flamboyantly and also using it for the greater good. Two birds, one stone.

I hate to break it to Bugs, but he’s also not that hot of a chick. And he’s a different species than most of the people he tried to seduce. I admire his courage but the execution leaves something to be desired.

6 Picking an appropriate partner

There’s a lot to like about Popeye. He always tried to be good, he was kind of a rebel with his badass Navy tattoo, he ate vegetables (though sadly they provide much less superpowers than previously indicated). But his choice in a girl left something to be desired.

Now Popeye’s no looker, so it’s not a huge deal that Olive Oyl is completely anorexic and kind of ugly, in fact. But the real problem is that she’s always flirting with Bluto, pretending like he’s so big and bad, but then being nice to him. No wonder Bluto drags her around like a caveman, she’s just so caught up in playing a victim and getting attention. Meanwhile Popeye has to bust his ass and load up fully on performance enhancing drugs just to protect her from herself. He’d have been better off trying to date Wimpy. At least there’d be hamburgers involved.

5 Painting a hole in a wall and running through

Cartoon characters have serious problems with understanding concepts like mass and density, which is fine because they’re adorable and make silly noises. But there’s nothing more depressing than the notion of being a skilled enough painter, like Wile E. Coyote, that you can paint a tunnel on a wall that looks completely realistic, only to have your abilities thrown back in your face when the tunnel becomes real.

It’s sort of like the movie Weird Science. Yeah, it was great and all when she first came to life, but then you have to listen to her nagging you about taking out the trash or starting a 529 plan for when you have kids and it’s just like, “Dammit, I’m too talented for my own good.”

4 Putting together a band with an animal and traveling the globe

You don’t know how many times I’ve went up to a shark or a gigantic retarded purple ape expecting to find the next Jabberjaw or Grape Ape and instead finding myself violently assaulted and with significant chunks of my body bitten off and being chewed like Bazooka Joe bubblegum. So yeah, needless to say, sharks… slightly less capable of playing drums than the cartoon would lead you to believe.

On the plus side, after hearing Jabberjaw prattle on about completely idiotic things, you’ll prefer the relatively quiet hum of a shark eating your innards to watching 10 minutes of that show.

3 Letting a cat babysit your kids

I’m all for making animals earn their keep; I make my cat teach Jazzercise classes during her free time to make up for all the Fancy Feast I have to feed her. But maybe leaving Tom in charge of babysitting your child while he’s having complete out and out wars with some rodent roaming your house isn’t the best idea. The child would probably get caught in sniper fire or something… who knows with the hatred these two had.

Also, has the mother in the house ever heard of an exterminator? Jerry is freaking running the place, eating cheese all the time. He’s probably crapping all over the place too. All I’m saying is that the mother in this place might not be the best example of how to raise a family.

2 Running off of a cliff

Wile E. Coyote gets screwed. A lot. One way in particular is the way that the Road Runner can run stop on a dime at the edge of a cliff. Meanwhile, poor Wile E. is left dangling out there with enough time to manufacture a sign from scratch, hold it up, make a quiche, and probably think about all the things that have gone wrong in his life in spite of his complete genius.

And then he gets to dust himself off and get back in the game. Only to lose again. And again. And again. In fact, I bet that time floating in midair hanging off the cliff is one of the few peaceful moments in his life. Like standing in the eye of the hurricane. Or realizing that you forgot a condom when sleeping with that stripper.

1 Approaching and understanding shotguns

Bugs Bunny is adorable and all that, but his policies towards shotguns were silly at best. Pro tip: When someone points a shotgun at you, you shouldn’t just make a slick face. You should probably run the f away or cry or offer sexual favors in exchange for your life. Do not attempt to A) Bend the shotgun, B) Shove a carrot into the hole of the shotgun, or C) Take the shotgun blast to the head and expect that you’ll just end up with a blackened face and a sense of embarrassment.

Also, changing a sign to say that it is not Rabbit Season when, in fact, it is will not change the laws and guidelines defined by local and federal governments. You Commie, you.

VIDEO: Another turtle rapes another shoe

Chris Spags — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 18:47:12 +0000

It’s my duty to post this because ~~I’m killing time until the weekend~~ ~~there’s nothing interesting going on right now~~ turtles are a menace that must be addressed. First there was one video of a turtle raping a shoe, now another. When will the madness end?

So, I don’t get it. That first turtle situation, sure. But now another? Are turtles just idiots? Or will they just attempt to f anything? Someone clearly needs to put on an old Ninja Turtles Halloween costume and see what happens. It might not be comfortable, but you’re doing it for science. And Splinter.

Barbara Walters interviews the Ninja Turtles

Chris Spags — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 13:29:35 +0000

Barbara Walters was once the purported beacon of interesting interviews on celebrities. But her journalistic skills were never quite as apparent as in this video, an interview with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That’s pretty callous for Barbara Walters to laugh (cackle? screech?) like that at poor Donatello’s lack of parents. I don’t know where she went to interview school, but compassion goes a lot further than complete contempt for your subject. It seemed like she and Donatello were hitting it off too. She’s a saucy single gal and I can’t imagine she’s swimming in gentleman callers. I wouldn’t be so shocked if Donatello’s staff got a bit of coochie cobwebs on it shortly after the cameras stopped rolling.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are hard to make

Chris Spags — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 14:37:33 +0000

Via Explosm comes this comic about the real life results of trying to make my childhood heroes, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

As I said above, I loved the Ninja Turtles as a kid but I’m not entirely sure why. I mean according to most studies, kids are heavily influenced by the toys they play with, be it boys with GI Joes or girls with Barbies and they all really make these unrealistic body images so that’s damaging to kids. I loved f’ing MUTANT TURTLES who were completely jacked and excelled at karate…you can’t really get much more of an unrealistic body image than that. But you don’t see me rolling around in nuclear waste hoping to mutate do you? No. I only do that when I want to falsely collect worker’s compensation insurance. Eat it, science.

When a turtle loves a shoe

Chris Spags — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:29:16 +0000

Animals attempting to ejaculate is really amusing to me, so long as it’s not happening above my face. Not sure if this tops the masturbating chihuahua, but this turtle attempting to f a shoe is pretty awesome.

I know I don’t say this often enough, but man turtle dicks look weird. It was like he was a cartoon character asking a question or something. That’s kind of depressing though. If you were a turtle being kept in a home and you weren’t neutered (I haven’t heard a lot about turtle neutering so I’m assuming it’s not possible though, granted, I don’t read about turtle genitals often enough outside of Ninja Turtles fanmade porn), you’d probably be really hard up for companionship. I’m not sure how that ends with you f’ing a shoe, but I can definitely relate.

Honestly there are many times in my life where I’d have been much better off going home and f’ing a shoe, then slowly rolling over and going to sleep like this little guy. Shoes don’t get pregnant. I hope. Though that would be a convenient way to get out of buying more shoes. Hmm.

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