I’m a guy but I think Barbie’s pretty awesome. Blond hair, doesn’t need to eat, nice boobs, she seems like a great deal. But having been around penetrating girls’ sanity for like a century, Mattel has made some missteps with the doll. Here are the big (absurd) ones.

In 1965, Mattel came out with Slumber Party Barbie. Along with the Barbie doll, the package also came with pink fuzzy bathroom slippers, a scale that read 110 pounds, and a book entitled: “How to Lose Weight” whose contents read, in entirety, “Don’t Eat” (it was much easier to get a book deal in 1965). Apparently that upset some folks for A) Saying the fact that you weigh 110 pounds means you still need to lose weight, B) For a book telling girls not to eat, and C) Expecting girls to know how to read books.

1992 saw a lot of crazy things…Presidential candidates playing saxophone on shows where the host encourages viewers to bark loudly and, more importantly, Teen Talk Barbie. And while Barbie said traditional vacuous stuff like “Will I ever have enough clothes?” or “Wanna have a pizza party?” (ignore the fact if Barbie ate anything other than dried lettuce she couldn’t keep her sexy body), she made an uproar when one of her phrases was “Math class is tough!” The American Association of University Women bashed Barbie and Mattel for implying girls couldn’t do math. Then they went back to braiding their hair and asking daddy for a pony, I’d assume.

Ken has always been Barbie’s man of choice even though people, most notably hacky comedians, always speculated that Ken might enjoy the company of other gentlemen more than Barbie. Well, that speculation really came to a head when Ken decided to prance around in the outfit pictured above as “Earring Magic Ken”. Now sure, he just seems like a regular Joe, just hanging out, being a man in his purple mesh shirt and vest. But note the ring object around his neck…yes folks, it appears to be a chrome cock ring. In fact, the doll was so gay that it became the highest selling Ken doll in Mattel history, primarily due to its kitsch appeal amongst gay men and Asian guys in need of cock rings.

Barbie was always kind of a whore for cross-promotion, be it for the WNBA or Nascar or Beastiality so 1997′s Barbie partnership with Oreo seemed pretty run of the mill. Only, since Mattel always makes a white Barbie and a black Barbie since political correctness set in, having a black doll that says “Oreo” on the front (“Oreo” being a phrase that says a black person is “black on the outside but white on the inside”) may have sent the wrong message. The doll was pulled from the shelves and that cartoon Chips Ahoy guy was beaten violently during a protest rally to send a message to Nabisco.

1997 proved to be a crapty year for Barbie when Mattel released a new doll called “Share a Smile Becky”, which came complete with a pink wheelchair. They probably all patted themselves on the back for that one…that is until a 17 year-old girl with cerebral palsy tried to put the doll in Barbie’s Dream House and couldn’t get its wheelchair through the doorway. Mattel would fix the problem in future Barbie homes rather than fessing up to the simple belief they held that said that disabled people should live their lives in Barbie’s garage with her car since disabled people in wheelchairs are all basically like Transformers anyway.

In 2003, Saudi Arabia proved its dedication to being pro-women by banning Barbie dolls in its country. The progressively-named Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice had the following to say (stunner, they blame the Jews):

“Jewish Barbie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of decadence to the perverted West. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful.”

Middle Eastern girls didn’t have to go dollless for long though, as a doll designed solely for them called “Fulla” soon hit the streets. The doll was a huge success, making hundreds of millions of sanddollars. And she even comes with her own burka! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a doll and been like, “Darnit I wish her whorish calves weren’t exposed.” Well, problem solved!

The proposed Australian Government clampdown on smut just got a whole lot broader, as news emerged of a ban on small breasts and female ejaculation in adult material.

The end result of this widening of the censor’s net could be the addition of millions of websites to the internet filter now being proposed.

Breasts came under the spotlight a year ago, as Senators Barnaby Joyce and Guy Barnett commenced a campaign against publicly available porn. Rounding up magazines from corner shops and filling stations, Senator Joyce claimed that publications featuring small-breasted women were encouraging paedophilia.

The result of this campaign is now visible in the decisions being made by the Australian Classification Board, which is beginning to apply RC (refused classification) categories to such material, as opposed to the previous X-rating. According to Fiona Patten, Convenor of the Australian Sex Party: “We are starting to see depictions of women in their late 20s being banned because they have an A cup size.

“It may be an unintended consequence of the Senator’s actions but they are largely responsible for the sharp increase in breast size in Australian adult magazines of late.”

Australia of course has been under scrutiny for its designs on filtering the Internet, including all adult content. Which is a pretty big human rights violation, unless you’re in China, in which case it’d be followed by high fives and someone playing that “doo doo doo doo doo DOO doo doo DOO” sound. Plus I’m personally not a fan of a flat chest anyway. I say force them all to get implants or ship them off to New Zealand. No time for you, Pirate Ship Plank Chest.

And yes, if you read that first line above closely enough, they did in fact also ban female ejaculation. Which, frankly, I’m okay with. I don’t want to get a blast from a girly firehose while I’m down there. Too many flashbacks to my traumatic childhood. And if that happend now, I wouldn’t even get a new Ninja Turtles toy afterwards. All I’m saying is that if you’re going to take advantage of me like I was in my childhood sailor suit, you should probably give me the new kicking action Michelangelo toy or something.

UPDATE: Another site is disputing the scope of this report, citing the Australian Classification Board’s response.

A spokesperson for the ACB told me today that publications which contain offensive depictions or descriptions of persons who are or appear to be persons under the age of 18 (whether they are engaged in sexual activity or not) must be classified RC. They said the Board classifies publications on a case by case basis, in accordance with the Guidelines for the Classification of Publications, the Code and the Classification Act and that the Publications Guidelines do not specify breast size.

That doesn’t particularly sound like a denial as much as it does someone saying “No, we’re not explicitly banning small boobs but we’re going to do it whenever we see fit,” but hey, you be the judge. Check out Crikey.com.au for more.

[The Register]

Women are to be offered “natural breast enlargements” using unwanted fat from other parts of their bodies, it has been announced.

The technique will be made available “early next year”, according to the Harley Medical Group.

Harley Medical Group chairman Mel Braham said: “This is the most exciting breakthrough in cosmetic and reconstructive surgery that I have seen over the last two decades.

“It amounts to two beneficial procedures in one – taking unwanted fat from one or two areas of a patient’s body and transferring it into the breast area.

“We have now completed a study of the results of UK and US patients who had the procedure four and five years ago, to confirm that the results are lasting.

[Google News]

It must be pretty awesome to be a celebrity like that, where you can do a TV show just because you’re a formerly hot piece of ass who now is a somewhat similar-looking, albeit slightly aged and recently crazy, piece of ass a decade later. That’s why I never buy into the excuses women make about being discriminated against just for having a vagina. Having the vagina isn’t the problem…not being famous enough to have it matter when it’s prominently displayed when getting out of the car is.

[as seen on]

This has to be some sort of photo trick right? Like when a pencil looks bent or an Indian gets his soul stolen? I mean look, Madonna’s a muscular beast who could reasonably make a segueway to Mixed Martial Arts or one of those Strongman Competitions with little to no effort. But nobody can really look like this in real life and think it’s okay…it’s horrifying. Old ladies get veiny and crap, presumably because your veins swell up with your now-useless ovaries, but shouldn’t this be like one of the biggest tragedies ever that a woman who was the definition of sex (I think, I was like an infant when she was really hitting) is now THIS?

Point being, that’s why I created a time machine and went back to introduce Marilyn Monroe to sleeping pills and should be thanked accordingly. I did it for you guys. And to jerk off onto a sleeping Marilyn Monroe. But really, for you.

I have to say, there are probably more questions about vaginas and their various mysteries on Yahoo Answers than anything else. And with good reason. Sure, we all know about labias and vulvas and whatever, but when it comes down to a question of function, many people just don’t have enough hands-on experience with them. That’s why I pioneered the “Let 13 Year-Olds Finger A Prostitute Who Ideally Doesn’t Have Crabs, But Beggars Can’t Be Choosers I Guess” initiative for schools. I figure if you let a guy toy with a vagina for a bit, eventually he’ll have a rough idea of how things work. At least enough to not look like a total asshole when he actually needs to know what to do.

As for the actual question, the answer is: I sure hope they do close up, otherwise I have really been misleading that middle school health class. In so many ways.

It’s a bit scuzzy to see world leaders acting like that, but at the same time it definitely humanizes them. Like what if the G8 Summit is all just one big elaborate scheme to get some time for the boys, maybe hit the strip clubs, get hammered and stoned, hit up the IHOP, scam on some bitches. Berlusconi gets all coked up and fs all the waitresses, Obama insists on watching Half-Baked but no one else goes along with it but he keeps insisting that they’re “missing the best part,” Sarkozy cries about how Carla Bruni yelled at him the other night, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper ends up tied to a flagpole after being sodomized and dressed like a clown. Just some good ol’ fashioned harmless fun (for everyone except Canada, because seriously Harper, you’re such a buzzkill).

[via]

I can really sympathize with this girl. I used to sublet an apartment in Chelsea and I remember how I’d walk down the street and just get accosted by these animals pining for my goods. Any fleshly orb of skin I had was grabbed and prodded. Some might I say might I have been asking for it by wearing fishnets and a sign on my back that said, “Just because you eat at a different restaurant doesn’t mean you can’t grab my ass and balls.” But what I lacked in subtlety, I more than made up for in coy smiles.

[video via]

I can’t say I approve of this discrimination against women. What if I need my girlfriend to go to the store to buy some inside-out rabbit hanging upside down that you can only get from an Asian market? Is there a basket that she can leave her vagina in at the door? And is that sanitary to be removing one’s vagina and leaving it in a basket with a bunch of others? And what if she grabs the wrong one on the way out? If she picks up one that’s been f’ing black guys, I’m screwed. One day, I hope Asian people can stop being so tricky. And ruining the curve in Calculus class.

[via]

Colleges in the Indian state of Uttar Pradesh said Wednesday that female students would be banned from wearing jeans and other Western clothes to halt sexual harassment by male classmates.

“Girls who choose to wear jeans will be expelled from the college,” Meeta Jamal, principal of the Dayanand girls’ college in Kanpur city told AFP. “This is the only way to stop crime against women.”

A growing number of colleges in Uttar Pradesh have decided to outlaw jeans, shorts, tight blouses and miniskirts on campus in an attempt to crack down on “Eve-teasing” — as sexual harassment is known in India.

Hindu extremist groups have in recent months attacked women drinking in pubs and threatened couples who make public displays of affection.

Look at that Indian girl up there, wearing her jeans. She knows what she’s doing. She’s asking for it. How dare she have pants on that fit her body in a normal way. How am I, as a man, supposed to control myself? It’s crazy! Your fault!

These countries with brown people are f’ing weird. They completely blame women for any problem men have at controlling themselves. Don’t get me wrong, when I see an attractive woman, I look at her. You might not be able to help that. But I don’t feel compelled to rip her top off and start dry humping her face like a dog. What next, filling vaginas up with cement just to prevent the temptation of getting a little side cooch? That’d be horrible. Unless there were a vagina-sized cement truck that backed up to it and let it out. That’d be kind of funny then. Because, come on, who’s driving that little thing?

[via]

Well, let’s see. These girls have adjusted their life goals enough to decide that they need to make a living in porn or stripping or whatever, for whatever reason. So you know what’s a logical solution? Imploring the people who are helping them to earn a living to stop giving them money so that they’ll be completely out of ways to succeed. So unless the goal of this “Music for the Soul” is to get more attractive women out on the streets with no hope for survival unless they do anything to please any gentleman walking down the street, then I’m not sure they’ll be accomplishing much. And if that is their goal, well then, this is one brilliantly constructed scheme.

If you really want to make a difference, make a song called “If She Gets Money to Show You Her Snatch, She Has AIDS.” Yeah, the girls won’t be pleased, but that’d certainly plant a seed of doubt that might make a difference.

[via]

For the first time, I really relate to a snake because I’d do the same thing. Oh, not that I’m like so manly that I’d dive headfirst between vaginas, but rather that when I’m shy in public, I often want to jump into the nearest cave to hide. The snake must have sensed that this woman has a spacious, comfy womb. That’ll teach her to have labia that look vaguely like French doors.

[via]

I look for a vagina that doesn’t make trumpet sounds when the girl walks and a father who threw whiskey bottles like a top tier MLB closer. To each their own.

Also not a good idea when encountering a vagina: Staring directly into it and yelling, “Get to the chopper!” You’d be amazed at how poorly women react to having their vagina compared to the Predator’s mouth. Grow up, girls.

I don’t think I could ever be friends with someone who was like WAYYYY into strip clubs. Don’t get me wrong, once in a while, they’re perfectly acceptable for seeing breasts while paying entirely too much for a rum and coke and simultaneously funding several drug habits masquerading as a need of money for college. But the guys whose response to, “Hey, where she would we go” always ends in an establishment with nude women dancing about shouldn’t be trusted. It’s not that I think there’s something wrong with someone who completely views women as objects, because I certainly don’t, but rather because there are much more affordable ways of seeing women in various stages of undress. Have you never worked in a hospital? One day as a volunteer there and you’ll have unfettered access to all sorts of barely conscious women. You haven’t lived until you’ve lovingly slipped the gown off of someone in a coma. It’s about as sexy as molesting a vegetable could be, other than putting lipstick on a cucumber and shoving it in the nearest unclean orifice.

Sukaina al-Zayer is an unlikely beauty queen hopeful. She covers her face and body in black robes and an Islamic veil, so no one can tell what she looks like. She also admits she’s a little on the plump side.

But at Saudi Arabia’s only beauty pageant, the judges don’t care about a perfect figure or face. What they’re looking for in the quest for “Miss Beautiful Morals” is the contestant who shows the most devotion and respect for her parents.

“The idea of the pageant is to measure the contestants’ commitment to Islamic morals… It’s an alternative to the calls for decadence in the other beauty contests that only take into account a woman’s body and looks,” said pageant founder Khadra al-Mubarak.

“The winner won’t necessarily be pretty,” she added. “We care about the beauty of the soul and the morals.”

There are few beauty pageants in the largely conservative Arab world. The most dazzling is in Lebanon, the region’s most liberal country, where contestants appear on TV in one-piece swimsuits and glamorous evening gowns and answer questions that test their confidence and general knowledge.

There are no such displays in ultra-strict Saudi Arabia, where until Miss Beautiful Morals was inaugurated last year, the only pageants were for goats, sheep, camels and other animals, aimed at encouraging livestock breeding.

That last paragraph might be the finest thing I’ve ever read. I’d hate to see the camel that won Miss Congeniality though. Good to see that they got around to women AFTER having pageants for animals for years though. That pretty much shows where ladies stand in their hierarchy. I’m surprised they didn’t have an event where handfuls of sand paraded around on a stage before they got around to women.

[via]

See? 15 year-olds turn you to hedonism

A 29-year-old man accused of getting a 15-year-old girl pregnant was arrested Wednesday after investigators found the teen girl and marijuana in his sport utility vehicle, according to recently released records.

Bolivar Steven Polanco, of the 1400 block of Southeast North Balcourt Court, told investigators he loves the victim and “has every intention of being a father to the baby.” Polanco, listed as unemployed, faces felony charges of lewd and lascivious battery and impregnating a minor and a misdemeanor marijuana possession charge.

The 15-year-old girl reportedly was under a blanket in the backseat and looked to have been asleep. Investigators found a notebook “which indicated a relationship with the suspect” and the victim, including a photo of them kissing. Pregnancy tests were in the glove box, and the victim told investigators she was “about five weeks along.”

The victim said she loves Polanco, but indicated the relationship was “awkward” because of the difference in age. She said they had sex once and that both felt “awkward” afterward, so they decided not to do so again until she was older. She said she’d been “seeing” Polanco for a couple of months.

Polanco was forthcoming about the relationship and admitted having sex with the victim. He knew of her apparent pregnancy and acknowledged the child was his.

The victim said her mother “kicked her out” following a dispute and she went to Polanco’s residence. They were headed to McDonald’s when police stopped Polanco for allegedly failing to use a turn signal.

There is literally NO time where a 15 year-old girl lying in the back seat of your car is going to turn out well. You either killed her, kidnapped her, or are attempting to hide her for some illicit reason. Even if the girl were your daughter with a sick stomach, while you’re driving people would probably look at you like, “Oh you sick bastard.” So here’s my new law: Never allow a 15 year-old girl into your car, at minimum. Ideally, they shouldn’t be a part of your life at all. 15 year-old girls are a lot like that fugu fish that’s poisonous but completely delicious as a sushi dish if it’s cut just so…sure, it may be a wonderful and delightful experience, but it’s probably better if you not open it up in the first place.

Hot young-but-legal women, you’re one of those special rolls with caviar sprinkled on top. Old women, you’re stale California rolls that I bought from the gas station that’ll probably end up giving me food poisoning because you’ve been out in the heat for way too long. And so ends the “What if women were sushi” debate.

[via]

A University of Texas professor condemned pornography as the depraved and even apocalyptic embodiment of society’s ills at last night’s kick-off event for the annual “Take Back the Night” movement created to support survivors of sexual violence.

“Pornography is what the end of the world looks like,” said professor Robert W. Jensen, who blamed capitalism, white supremacy, and racism for the spread of increasingly violent heterosexual pornography.

Jensen said that pornography becomes increasingly violent, racially charged, and degrading towards women to increase profit by appealing to capitalist consumers.

Jensen then asked everyone who’s masturbated to porn in the last 48 hours to stand up and walk to the front of the class.

“How about in the last ten minutes?” a male student quipped in response.

I’ve heard this argument from feminist types before and went, “Ha she’s probably just ovulating or something,” then high-fived some nearby man and went, “Am I right?” But hearing these things coming from a man just seems to hurt a bit more. Not that it makes it any more valid or not, but I just feel like I’ve been sold out since he’s turning on our people. Yes, men often watch entirely too much pornography. But that doesn’t mean that I’m mere moments away from slapping my woman and making her choke on my genitals until she vomits (unless she really needs help with her bulimia, I guess).

Here’s my stance: What you do in sex is whatever. Yes, it’s totally natural to be creeped out if you find out your significant other likes to jerk off to women’s feet stomping on grapes, but it’s sex…it’s a release. It’s detached from reality. I don’t think that my wanting to leave a batch on my girlfriend’s face makes her any less of a human. If anything, I’ve made her more of a human by bathing her in my DNA. All I’m saying is don’t be shocked when you find out all my ex-girlfriends end up never getting cancer or wind up with superpowers from the amounts of stem cells I’ve doused them in. It’s practically scientific.

[source]

This is pretty accurate. If you’re an attractive girl obsessing over a little bit of fat somewhere or how your ass looks too big, you’re just being silly. Your man or any man will love you all the same. But if you’re a fat slob of a woman, that’s not a body image issue. Unless you want to count “every mirror looking like a funhouse” as image-related. In which case, thanks for that pun, fatty.

This is why you leave the stripping to the professionals. Sure, you might be athletic or even sexy. But there’s years of daddy hating, self-loathing, and awkward blowjobs being given to Persian men with their club shirts unbuttoned while you smell their swampy balls and old spice cologne that really make the strippers able to do what they do. It’s a mental game. Hunger for money and hating to look at yourself in the mirror are basically the equivalent of being tall and jumping high in the NBA.