If you’re going to mug a woman, it’s best not to pick on the ones who are Olympic athletes. Jenny Thompson, winner of 12 Olympic swimming medals, held on for dear life as she was assaulted by two men who tried to steal her scooter.

To her credit, Thompson didn’t give up, screaming to the high heavens and subsequently forcing the muggers to flee.

Police say three teenagers were arrested later Monday night with stolen scooters, and they are investigating whether the teens were connected to the Thompson incident.

While I don’t consider myself a “Sherlockian”, it appears from the circumstantial evidence that these people are indeed the attackers. That is unless there is rampant scooter theft in the Boston area that I’m not aware of.

Thankfully, Thompson only suffered minor injuries in the attack. And because she’s now a doctor, if she’s in any pain, she can write herself a prescription for oxycontin. Or at least, that’s how I think that whole thing works.

Hippocratic Oath be damned.

Olympic swimmer Jenny Thompson attacked in Mass {AP}

If you’re like me, the Winter Olympics isn’t exactly must-see TV. Hockey and skiing aside, figure skating, curling, and the biathlon don’t exactly rev my engine. At the very least in the Summer Olympics, we have scantily clad woman in track and beach volleyball to quell our perverted appetite. I think I speak for everyone when I say there is far too much clothing involved in the Winter games.

But don’t tell that to these ladies who make it a point to show off their bodies when temperatures allow. This guide to hot female Olympians in Vancouver may just make the next few weeks pass by just a little easier.

You know, every time I think of the Winter Olympics, three things come to mind:
The Miracle on Ice, The Jamaican Bobsled team, and hot figure skating chicks

And now thanks to this photo from the Vancouver games, I’ll have a strange image of a cartoon character in a bowler hat Ocarrying a torch ingrained in my head.

Damn Canadians!

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10. Women’s basketball. I have daughters. I love hoop. I work in Greenwich Village, have college degrees, and consider myself pretty damn feministy.

But, um, Your Game Hurts My Eyes And Makes Me Want To Go Clean The Garage. Moving on.

9. NASCAR. I enjoy driving cars fast, and understand how much of a workout it is. I also get that this might be the only sport in the world, other than bullfighting, fighting or a basketball game involving Ron Artest, where you start the event with the very real possibility that you could die.

However, what you’ve got here is hours and hours of rednecks turning left, with a crowd of people that’s just some fashion discipline away from a Klan rally.
It doesn’t matter how many cameras you put into the cars, or how often your motor jockey midgets pull each other’s hair. I’m not giving much of a crap.

8. Cheerleading. I realize that this puts me at odds with the site, but until the participants add in some sex and violence, you do realize that you are drooling at the equivalent of human poodles wearing crepe paper on their hands?

It all strikes me as a stunning waste of talent, really.

7. UFC. Wildly popular, truly dangerous, and unlike traditional boxing, fans don’t have to spend years waiting for the fights they want to see.

I just feel like I need to shower after watching it. Inside my brain.

6. The NHL. I used to watch this, back when I had hair down to my ass, listened to classic rock, and thought that the two-month fight for the Stanley Cup was along the lines of religious war.

Now, I think it’s more or less soccer on skates, wonder why every year devolves down to Hot Goalie Russian Roulette, and wonder how anyone can keep track of a league that is in Columbus and Nashville. Life is too short.

5. Cricket. Let’s get this straight: games at the highest level can last for days, if not weeks, and still result in a draw. The season never ends, and is played all over the earth. And no matter who is playing it, it’s more or less insufferably British. Where do I sign?

4. Lacrosse. It’s nice that the Iroquois form of war has been more or less totally co-opted by violent white frat boys who aren’t quite Canadian enough to play hockey, and that the most famous players in the world are the Alleged Duke Rapists. Actually, it’s not nice.

3. Rugby. Look, I try not to be judgmental (ha!) of how people get their rocks off. But to do it in public, in mud, with all guys and lots of blood? That’s just not something I want to watch, folks.

2. Home Run Derby. Even if you don’t have Chris Berman hyperventilating in the most faked excitement this side of a porn film, this is still utterly freaking pointless, and something that lost whatever morbid interest it might have had with the end of the Steroid Era. If you are older than 12 and care about this, you have a problem.

1. The Olympics. Second and third tier sports, supposedly made interesting by the attachment of a flag to the uniforms of the participants. Unless you’ve got some hardcore Good Vs. Evil added to this, or a skank with a lead pipe, count me out.

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