I’m not at all mad at this. I really enjoyed Nazi-zombie movie Dead Snow and believe that making zombies formerly hateable people is lot more logical than making them people who lived a good life. Unless the zombie terrorists get 72 virgins despite not technically leaving their mortal coil. I could live without a zombie sex scene. I saw Bridges of Madison County. That was enough.

Osombie – Osama Bin Laden Zombie Slasher Action Film Trailer [Viral Viral Videos]

Halloween is just a few short days away, so if you don’t have a costume, it’s about time you got on top of it. Last year we brought you tasteless costume ideas for 2010. Well, a lot of shit has gone down since then, so here’s a new batch of topical costumes that you can consider sporting this year.

10 Casey “Party Girl” Anthony
This is probably going to be one of the more popular costumes around this year for girls. It allows girls to dress slutty without people questioning exactly why they’re dressed slutty… plus if you’re like Casey, your Halloween night will end with you getting off. Make sure to leave your kid at home that night though because you want it to be authentic.

9 Chris “Meltdown” Brown
This is the perfect costume for that guy you know who loves to get into fights whenever he goes out drinking. All he has to do is bleach his hair, tear off his shirt for no real reason, and throw a bunch of tantrums throughout the night. Backhanding his girlfriend is optional.

8 Courtney Stodden
Ladies, you love to dress up skanky on Halloween. So why not dress up like the ultimate skank? Put on the tightest fitting dress you can find and spend about three days before injecting collagen into your lips. The drunker you get on Halloween, the better… since incoherence seems to be Courtney’s specialty. Remember to only flirt with men who are at least 35 years older than you.

7 Charlie Sheen
It’s true that the Charlie Sheen wow factor has fizzled out quite a bit, but this is Halloween! Dressing up as Sheen will allow you to snort a bunch of cocaine and get ridiculously drunk… which probably isn’t too different than most Halloweens, but it beats having to do it dressed as Gumby.

6 Marcus “In the Closet” Bachmann
The Sarah Palin costume is played out. If you really want to go with a political theme, have your girlfriend dress up as Michelle Bachmann so you can go as her husband, Marcus. Just make sure you build a portable closet around you since that guy is clearly always in one.

5 Christina “The Pudge” Aguilera
Fat girls, now’s the time to dress up like your favorite pop star and not have people give you a hard time for it! Thanks to Aguilera’s recent diet of Big Macs and Slurpees, people will actually believe you when you dress up as her this year.

4 Anthony Weiner’s Weiner
Chances are, people tell you you’re a dick anyway. Why not go as one of the most popular dicks of 2011?! … next to Mel Gibson, of course. You can pretty much wear some boxer briefs over your head to officially become the infamous “bulge”. Toss on a politician-style suit and you’re good to go.

3 Chaz Bono – A Couple Costume
This is the perfect couples costume for 2011. Ditch the cheesy, overdone Plug and Socket idea and instead hit your Halloween party as everyone’s favorite transgender contestant from Dancing With The Stars … before and after the surgery. For a little added fun, the guy should dress as pre-op “Chastity” and the girl can dress as post-op “Chaz”.

2 Jay-Z/Beyonce Fetus
This costume will certainly scare the hell out of Will and Jada’s kids. The Jay-Z/Beyonce fetus is moving in on their territory. Get yourself a flesh colored spandex suit, toss on a blonde lion’s mane and a tilted Yankees cap, and voila! You’re a fetus mogul in the making. For added effect, build yourself an umbilical cord and walk away saying “Uh huh, uh huh” way too much.

1 Zombies!
Zombies are in every year. This Halloween, however, there were a lot of major deaths that made headlines…giving you an assortment of zombie options:

1a. Osama bin Laden
This is going to be a very popular costume this year. If you want to attempt to one up everyone else, see if you can get six of your friends to dress up as seals with guns… as in SEAL Team Six… get it?!… never mind.

1b. Muammar Gadafhi
Dress up as everyone’s favorite fashionista dictator. If you’re the kind of zombie that likes to wear sunglasses and dress ridiculously, then this is the choice for you.

1c. Steve Jobs
It’s up to you to decide if this one is “too soon” or not. But a pair of jeans, a black turtleneck, an iPod, and some serious zombie make-up are all you really need to get Jobs alive and kicking again.

1d. Lindsay Lohan
Okay, she didn’t actually die this year (shocking, I know)… but have you seen her lately?! She looks like one of those moaning extras straight out of an episode of The Walking Dead. Start your meth binge now, so your body will be in perfect condition by Halloween. Or… if you want, you can always just go as Lohan’s career, since it’s been dead for years.

Philosopher Michel Foucault wrote, “over the centuries sex has become more important than our soul, more important almost than our life; and so it is that all the world’s enigmas appear frivolous to us compared to this secret, miniscule in each of us, but of a destiny that makes it more serious than any other.” It is in this vein that we have come to believe that “sex is worth dying for.”

Our authority and jurisdiction over Osama bin Laden’s body, a body that we can now understand as a sexual body, transcends even life itself. The US (and most of the world) has deemed this man undeserving not only of his life, but also of even the most rudimentary sense of autonomy of selfhood. For this most abject of figures, not even death was enough. The extent of the atrocities and the evil he propagated are met with a complimentary force of equal strength: a capacity to reign over his body far past the point of life, down to the very core of his being.

Even the most despicable of death row inmates is at least guaranteed the right to some degree of privacy.

When you can justify stripping a man entirely of his sense of self, when he has forfeited his most primary human rights, when no facet of his existence is off limits, what do we want from such a figure? What is left? What can possibly be more important than his very life itself?

We want to know what kind of porn he watched.

On a basic level, the frenzy and fascination with Osama bin Laden’s porn stash expresses our desire for revenge. In contrast to the spectacular display of September 11th (the hours of video footage and countless photographs, the thousands dead on live television, the appalling sight of a 747 aircraft toppling a skyscraper), the death of Osama bin Laden was perhaps disappointingly anticlimactic. It seems that a relatively quiet death in a Pakistani suburb was not enough for us, and we needed more. Posthumously scrutinizing the sordid details of the man’s life allow us, metaphorically, to prop his body back up, so that we can then tear it down over and over again.

The porn itself hardly matters. It is our fascination with the bin Laden porn stash that speaks the loudest, ultimately saying more about us than it ever could about him.

For centuries, the Oriental East has been a repository for Western sexual fantasies. It is much easier to talk about our fears and our desires by projecting them onto others, so that we can express them while simultaneously drawing attention away from ourselves. In this way, speculation about Osama bin Laden’s sexual proclivities reflects deep-seated anxieties about our own desire (Did he have child porn? Gay porn?), as well as sexual fantasies that are rooted more in the West than they are in the East (Bin Laden’s “harem girls,” for instance).

This is not a critique of the supposedly sex-crazed American mind, a dichotomization of East and West that has in part fueled Jihadist campaigns. This is not to say that we shouldn’t take an interest in bin Laden’s sexual fantasies, as if this facet of his life should remain private and “off limits.” Indeed, as Foucault wrote, sexuality makes “all the world’s enigmas appear frivolous,” so that if our fixation on bin Laden’s pornography collection appears surprising at first, in retrospect, it seems almost inevitable.

Sexuality is important here because it expresses something very deep in the relationship between East and West, between the Islamic world and the Western world. Somehow, we have found something of the truth of recent history here, between Osama bin Laden’s sex life and our seemingly endless fascination with it.

The virtual obsession with Osama bin Laden’s porn stash appears to be our way of coming to terms with the man and his life. Of course, it would be foolish to suggest that because bin Laden watched porn like any other man, this somehow makes him “just like us” at the end of the day. Osama bin Laden is not like us, and that is precisely the point. In the American imagination, Osama bin Laden is the ultimate Other, a man so evil that he defies our every attempt to understand him.

Between the rubble of Ground Zero and the killing fields of the Middle East, beyond even life and death itself, the question of sexuality persists as irreducible to all such calculations.

So, how about playing in an Osama Bin Laden’s lair instead?

Because you can do that at SC Village Paintball in Corono, California — the company dropped $25,000 recently to recreate the pr0n-filled home of one Mr. Bin Laden.

This beauty of a paintball course comes to us from TMZ and apparently features “18-foot high walls to hide behind, Middle Eastern music, wrecked cars, a downed helicopter, sound effects of bombs going off, and referees and opponents dressed like members of the Taliban.”

So, yeah, no porn. But still, “Bin Laden’s Compound” (the actual name of the place) would be pretty fantastic to shoot destroy, Greendale style.

And yes, I realize that juxtaposing my thrill at possibly playing paintball in Bin Laden’s compound against my disdain for the Obama SEAL doll might make me look like a total hypocrite.

What can I say? I like paintball.

Reenact attack on Osama Bin Laden … with Paint – [TMZ]

Well, this Fierce Barack Obama SEAL doll, made by Hero Builders, is all but guaranteed to get you noticed at work as the crazy dude in the office who toes the line as a gun-toting, war-hungry liberal!

But no, seriously, Drew Magary, writing at The 20, is correct in that this doll is “offensive in about nine different ways.”

There’s the gigantic “I killed someone in an ordered hit!” grin.

There’s Barack Obama wearing fatigues. Or wearing a punisher shirt.

Or there’s Obama carrying an assault rifle.

Or there’s, well, you get the point. Look, Hero Builders, based out of Connecticut, is not just “the last American toy company,” they’re a company that was inspired by George W. Bush’s speech immediately following 9/11.

Which is to say, they are a misplaced company who wants to focus on the wonderful aspect of REVENGE, WOO!, instead of focusing on the fact that a man who ordered the murder of thousands of innocents is no longer roaming the earth.

More importantly, this doll is everything that everyone else in the world likes to hate about America: violent, excessive, and willing to flaunt those traits in the world’s face.

Barack Obama Seal Team 6 Doll – [Hero Builders]

First we have a recently released mission for Kuma War 2, the free to play title that has been serving up recreations of actual wartime scenarios, mostly ripped from the headlines. In what is assumed to be the final mission, we have you in the role of one of the men that finally did the deed…

… To play it yourself, simply head to the Kuma Games website. Personally, first person shooters are not my cup of tea. Know what is? Super Mario Bros…

[GoNintendo]

I don’t know how to feel that some of these kids had more fully formed, less visceral thoughts on the issue than talking heads and political columnists. Even the girl who said she’d buy a yellow canoe if she were President. Where’s Obama’s yellow canoe? Does he even have a yellow canoe? If he’s a real American qualified to be President, he’d definitely have a yellow canoe. Just sayin’.

When Osama Bin Laden is killed by US troops, this is particularly handy. One has to think that Funny or Die has made a decent amount of advertising money off of this video. It’s only got like 1,000,000 views.

This will probably be the most-viewed photo in the history of the Internet. It will probably be gory, like the completely photoshopped picture you see to the right.

(And yeah, sorry about that — guess I could have not tried to make sure everyone was coming back from lunch when I posted this.

You will probably send it to at least 30 friends. Or if you’re more popular than me, 31+. More importantly though, the trolls who live on the Internet definitely will try to use this Osama Bin Laden pic craze to try and steal your stuff.

I received an email on Monday evening from Facebook mail that a friend had wrote something on my wall. Having not spoken with “Tim” in quite some time, I was surprised. Then I opened up the email:

You’ll never believe this, but you shouldn’t go to that address. Or “facebook.com/XXXXX” or whatever URL is sent to you.

Lemme break this down real quick: people who try and abuse Facebook and Twitter are always trying to steal your stuff. You shouldn’t click on these things. Also, these people are trying to boost their SEO for “Bin Laden Dead Pic” or “Osama Dead Facebook Pic” or, well, you get the point — they want your stuff and they don’t care how they get it.

More importantly is this point: the White House, and only the White House, will release this photo.

Only the White House. Remember, this is the White House that didn’t let it leak that they were going to kill Osama Bin Laden. If they didn’t let that happen, they certainly will stay ahead of this one photo.

You may be inclined to believe that “your buddy Steve” on Facebook could somehow get a hold of the picture via another site and post it, but he didn’t.

And he won’t. So don’t click those links, people.

Clearly, in her native land, there is no “S”. Only hard “B”s of justice.

Also, further proof that our war of terror needs to be extended to Canada. Global Network is in Canada. Global…globe-al…globe AL QAEDA. It all makes sense. We’re onto you, you ginger covert operative.

Early Bird Special [The Daily What]

Good work, guys. Kelly’s right in that second clip, though. I can barely stand after I do an hour of cardio on an elliptical, let alone running across the country. As for the FOX NY dude…well, it must be very hard to read a teleprompter that says exactly the right thing to say at that moment. They should probably just provide him the news he’s reporting on via a pop-up book or “Speak and Say” toy.

John Cena, one of the biggest supporters of military men and women abroad, informed WWE fans of Osama Bin Laden’s death at a Pay-Per-View event in Tampa Bay last night. How fitting that the star of the movie, The Marine, and a man who is easily the most vocal of all wrestlers in regards to the military wins the championship belt in a cage match and follows it up with the announcing of Bin Laden’s demise. You certainly could not have scripted it any better Vince McMahon.

On a side note, the sports world and its fans have reacted rather patriotically since news of Bin Laden’s death broke last night. Yesterday, during the Mets-Phillies game, fans broke out into “U-S-A, U-S-A” chants. Just this morning, the Detroit Tigers announced that they were bringing in the Four Tops for a special tribute to America tonight. I’m sure other teams are in the midst of planning something as well.

All in all, a momentous occurrence in the history of America is being honored from coast to coast. And many of us, are more than willing to celebrate the death of a tyrant like Bin Laden joyously.

God Bless the USA!

Watch A Pro Wrestler Tell Pro Wrestling Fans That Osama Bin Laden Is Dead [SportsGrid]

Even  more amazing: Sohaib Athar (@ReallyVirtual), a tech guy living in Abbottabad, Pakistan, incidentally live-tweeted the attack on the Bin Laden compound.

Click to embiggen the photo, or cruise over to his Twitter site to see some of the various things he’s saying. My favorite?

Helicopter hovering above Abbottabad at 1AM (is a rare event).

The reason this is my favorite is because a) it’s the first tweet and b) I think about what I would be tweeting if I were this guy. Because it would probably be stuff like “OMFG. A helicopter at 1AM? Really Pakistan government? You don’t know I have to work in three hours?” Or something stupid like that.

Anyway, Athar continues tweeting:

A huge window shaking bang here in Abbottabad Cantt. I hope its not the start of something nasty :-S

Little did he know, right??? Athar quickly realized the helicopter in question was not from Pakistan and that led to his potential discovery that

Since taliban (probably) don’t have helicpoters, and since they’re saying it was not “ours”, so must be a complicated situation #abbottabad

He’s got a litany of tweets like this, where he’s describing a crash (a drone?) and a second helicopter and lots of noise and shooting and stuff. Then, late in the evening, someone found his tweets. And …

Uh oh, now I’m the guy who liveblogged the Osama raid without knowing it.

Which was quickly followed by:

and here come the mails from the mainstream media… *sigh*

The long and short is that Sohaib Athar is going to end up getting famous for about 15 minutes simply because he decided to move to Pakistan to “get away” (whoops) and tweeted a bunch of times when a helicopter flew over him.

Which is kind of amazing when you think about it.

-End the NFL lockout
-Turn America against Superman
-Lead to more American war, this time in Pakistan
-Piss off God
-Help “Captain America” become the biggest superhero movie release yet
-Decrease the effectiveness of the Navy SEALS’ team who killed bin Laden, “Team 6″
-Increase mansion sales in Abbottabad, Pakistan
-Result in less access to news in North Korea
-Create another airport-based attack on the US
-Increase business in Atlanta
-Confuse the shit out of kids
-Help the value of the US dollar
-Decrease oil prices
-Affect the value of everything from diamonds to sheepdogs
-Leave America vulnerable to an attack from New Jersey
-Make the world realize how silly the whole Royal Wedding thing was
-Change the way the NY Times uses “Mr.”
-Lead to a rise in pizza sales
-Bring pride to many Steven Seagal fans
-Change the way Missouri politics are conducted
-Make Twitter America’s go-to news source
-…unless it isn’t
-And, most importantly, reveal that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson knows more about American intel than any media outlet in the world

The bin Laden death is everything. It is nothing. It is a sea of change. It is hours away from degenerating into the same political circle jerk we always see. It is celebration. It is bloodlust. It is the greatest moment in American history. It is the precipice of more darkness to come.

Overall, if you take anything away from this momentous occasion, it’s this: There should be no agenda. This closes the crux of the story of one of the saddest incidents in American history. It should not be a frattish celebration. It should not be a time for political acrimony and 2012 election prognostication. It should be about the families of the victims of 9/11 maybe getting some measure of closure and about us here in the US thanking those brave men and women overseas for doing things like this without most of us ever even knowing.

/soapbox
/back to apolitical pics of hot chicks and people embarrassing themselves in hilarious fashion

VIDEO: Phillies And Mets Fans Chant ‘U-S-A’ Upon Hearing Osama Bin Laden News [SBNation]

Dane Robert (aka: Cornelio Prick) and Brandon Mendelson (aka: Hugeh Prick) are two jerks who answer your questions. They’re fed up with the bullcrap canned answers that syndicated columnists give to people like you. You deserve the truth, even if it hurts. Dear Abby can kiss their backside.

Dear Pricks,

- Erwin

Hit me Osama, one more time.

Look, I’ve already said too much.

Just forget about him, kid. He’s a ghost.

Brandon Mendelson: C’mon dude. Really? Do I look like the CIA to you? Osama Bin Laden is in Pakistan. You know he’s in Pakistan. I know he’s in Pakistan. The CIA knows he’s in Pakistan. The problem is Pakistan has nuclear weapons, and they’re a (pretty crappy) ally of ours in the fight against Al-Qaeda and other dipshits who blow things up to scare us, not because they find it funny. So we know where he is, but there’s not much we can do about it. On the plus side, we have plenty of other a**holes we can kill with our robots. And who doesn’t enjoy that?

The odds are Osama Bin Laden will outlive you. You know why? Because I’m going to come to your house and kick your ass for asking such a stupid question after I’m done f*cking your wife while she wears a Wonder Woman costume.

I’m just kidding. Those Wonder Woman costumes are expensive. The cheap ones go for about $80, and then you gotta go find the boots, which can be a real bitch. Plus I like to rip that shit up each time, which means one night of fun might require multiple costumes. By the time I’m done tracking down those costumes and boots, I’m tired and don’t want to kill anything unless it appears on my TV screen and I’m shooting it with a plastic gun.

Which is a lot like how operating one of those robots, come to think of it …

Dear Pricks,

- Jonas

Dane Robert: First, you need to understand something. We are superior to you — and everyone else for that matter. This in and of itself, is not the reason we live longer, but rather, just something that I thought you should know.

Jonas, the tone of your question sounds like you’re desperate for acceptance. Quite frankly, you kind of sound like a whiny little bitch. If you’re looking for someone to replace your alcoholic father’s lack of affection, it’s not us.

You see, Jonas, by degrading you, we’re not only devaluing you as a human being, but we’re also peeling away your zest for life. It’s much like de-turding a shrimp for consumption.

We live longer than most people, because we eat away at their will to live. And, all the while, we feed off their misery, which just makes us stronger.

But, like every other superhuman life form, we have a kryptonite. In our case, it’s Japanese women (pre-tsunami). And of course, Chuck Norris.

There’s also this: while most semen die either trying to penetrate the egg or within a inhospitable environment, Prick semen are immortal and unwavering. They can survive in any climate and fight with their little semen heart. This characteristic is bred into the Prick offspring.

Brandon Mendelson: Are you talking about Dane and I specifically as Pricks? If so, then the answer is no. We’ll probably get killed by some irate troll who doesn’t understand that this column is called “Dear Pricks,” and whose only recourse after reading our answers in their tiny little mind is to murder the people who made them look stupid.

The rest of the pricks out there? Donald Trump, Dan Abrams, Sarah Palin, Arianna Huffington, Nancy Grace, Fred Phelps, The NFL owners? Those motherf*ckers are going to live forever. You know why? Because evil gets a pass. So my advice to you is to go to NicheClips.com, download a bunch of faux snuff films, get a rusty knife, and start cleaving your way down the West Coast. Why the West Coast? Because serial killers love that place, and no one is really going to miss those people anyway. Why do you think the rest of us keep rooting for that killer earthquake to come and drop California into the Pacific? Because we like geology?

(By the way: Killer Earthquake would make a great name for a band. It would also make a great name for a pro wrestler, and since the original Earthquake is dead, I don’t think he’s going to mind if you or one of your friends borrow the name for that purpose. Well, except for when his hungry corpse roams the Earth again during Ragnarok, but at that point you’ve got bigger things to worry about. Like figuring out who’s going to feed your pets.)

Dear Pricks,

- Matt

Enjoy your sexless life chasing imaginary zombies, losers.

With all of Brandon’s years of virginity and comic book experience, I’m going to defer to him on this question.

But, for the record, I think you’re both eff’n retarded.

Brandon Mendelson: I wouldn’t fight off a zombie infestation invasion. I’d probably let them bite me, grab a video camera while waiting for the infection to spread, and then record myself eating as many people as I can while I’m still human.

You know why? Because although humanity is usually boned in scenarios like this, it’s very possible that a cure could be found too. You don’t know what caused the zombies to appear in the first place, do you? So if it’s a virus or something, there could be an antidote. Assuming I’m cured, I could then put my video on eBay and sell it. You know there’s someone out there who would want it. Especially if they’re living in a place that was unaffected by the zombie infestation outbreak. And if not? I’m dead anyway. So who cares?

If I’m infected and about to become a zombie, I think I’m going to find out where Goldie Blair lives and eat her first. People like to buy movies where horrible things happen to woman with giant cans.

‘We initially laughed when he told us that he wanted to kill Osama bin Laden,’ Officer Mumtaz Ahmad Khan said.

Of course you initially laughed at the guy; he’s just trying to do your job without all the bribery and corruption. I’m sure a good portion of the Pakistani police force doesn’t do anything for less than a couple hundred dollars worth of dirty money per day. And while Faulkner was probably in way over his head, you have to respect a man willing to go on the hunt for one of the most elusive criminals that the world has ever know with only a sword, pistol, night vision goggles, and oh yeah, his kidney medication.

But he added that, when officers seized the pistol, the 40in sword and night vision equipment, ‘our suspicion grew’.

That’s some fine police work, gentlemen.

You know what? They should let him do it. We need more people like this guy in the world. Sure, he may be a little off his rocker, but damnit if he thinks he can find Bin Laden, then we should let him try. It’s not like anyone else is making massive headway in the search. And he also claimed that he had personal losses in the 9/11 attacks. He has more of a right and reason to be searching for Al Qaeda than anybody else. If this is the way he wants to spend his life then I think we should all respect that. Obviously it’s not the smartest thing to be doing, but with all the red-tape and politics that go into finding international criminals these days, maybe it’s time we start letting people like this get involved. It’s cost-effective and inspiring — I say let Rambos be Rambos.

Pakistan police arrest U.S. builder with sword on solo mission to kill Al Qaeda leader [Daily Mail]

Jack Thomas, by his own admission, realised then he was not just at any old military camp in Afghanistan, but an al-Qaeda camp.

And Thomas got close enough to bin Laden to observe the al-Qaeda leader was polite and shy, didn’t mind a hug, but wasn’t so fond of kissing.

“He was definitely well loved,” Thomas said of Bin laden in an interview with Australian TV network ABC which was played in court last week.

“(He) was very polite and humble and shy.

“He didn’t like too many kisses. He didn’t mind being hugged, but kisses he didn’t like.”

Thomas said bin Laden “seemed to float across the floor”.

What Thomas fails to mention is his zeal for teabag-related humor. You see, before bin Laden found himself hooked up to a dialysis machine, nothing would tickle him more than running up to one of his consiglieres and dipping his ballsack onto their unsuspecting face. He’s a real cut-up like that. Also a big admirer of rimjobs. You’d think that’s against the Quran, but not to Osama; he pasted in a special page that says something to the effect of a rimjob cleansing the spirit. Thank God this John Thomas character came out and revealed all of these important secrets. How could we have survived without them?

In related news, I imagine kissing Osama would be like licking my sweaty scrotum only hairier and with 1/3 more sand.

[source]