I can really sympathize with this girl. I used to sublet an apartment in Chelsea and I remember how I’d walk down the street and just get accosted by these animals pining for my goods. Any fleshly orb of skin I had was grabbed and prodded. Some might I say might I have been asking for it by wearing fishnets and a sign on my back that said, “Just because you eat at a different restaurant doesn’t mean you can’t grab my ass and balls.” But what I lacked in subtlety, I more than made up for in coy smiles.

[video via]

Saudi marriage officiant Dr. Ahmad al-Mu’bi told Lebanese television viewers last week that it’s permissible for girls as young as 1 to marry — as long as sex is postponed.

Al-Mu’bi’s remarkable comments also included an explanation that “there is no minimal age for entering marriage.”

“You can have a marriage contract even with a 1-year-old girl, not to mention a girl of 9, 7 or 8,” he said. “But is the girl ready for sex or not?” What is the appropriate age for sex for the first time? This varies according to environment and tradition,” al-Mu’bi said.

These Saudis are pretty freaking on the ball. Like they totally get that American society is moving in a direction that sexualizes teenagers so they twirl their big mustaches and go, “HA HA WE WILL SHOW AMERICAN PIGS AND MARRY OUR 1 YEAR-OLD GIRLS! THEN THEY WILL BE BIGGER THAN 600 HANNAH MONTANAS!”

My question is the dowry higher or lower with a 1 year-old? Because like it can go either way with them really. But you’re getting them really young so I guess there’s a lot of potential. I guess what I’m saying is that I want dowries in America. I don’t want to marry your ass for free. Not only that, but at a LOSS! I have to buy a ring and crap! What the f. Yeah, it’s great that I can get Diet Coke and whatever, but America sucks sometimes.