Not going to lie…pretty concerned for the little girl who got the old banana. When your reaction to seeing an unappealing brown thing is grabbing it with both hands and swallowing it down, that’s a one-way ticket to a “Who’s the Father?” episode of Maury.

This girl has the potential to destroy all of mankind when she gets older. At age four, she’s frightening grown men and then apologizing adorably enough to make her dad forget about it within seconds? Who knows what limits her powers will reach? All I’m saying is don’t be shocked when we’re erecting statues to this girl and chained up, pushing carts into mines for reasons not entirely clear to us in 14 years.

Four Year Old Girl Scares Her Dad [Viral Viral Videos]

Comments have been turned off on the YouTube upload and that seems like a good idea. Mostly because I imagine the commenting breakdown would be:

-75% accusations of negligent parenting
-23% insults to both the mother and daughter
-2% of people saying, “Despite the fact her face looks like the Aggrocrag on GUTS and she appears to be stoned off her gourd, I’d still throw the mom a boning.”

Probably a good idea keeping that off the Internet.

NSFW: “Me And My Mom Dancing To My Neck My Back” [Videogum]

According to the profile, Maisy weighs 79 pounds. With a BMI of 19.3, she’s in the 93rd percentile of girls her age according to BMI and in the 97th percentile according to weight.

Conversely, mother Rebecca weighs 70 pounds. At 5’1, she has a BMI of 13.2, leaving her in the category of “dangerously underweight.”

Growing up, Rebecca was a pudgy child and her anorexia began when she was 13 after she was complimented by friends and family after basically stopping eating. She now subsists primarily on soup, toast, and energy drinks — a diet which her doctors say could kill her.

You can see more of this horrific story, including a truly mind-bending shirtless pic of Rebecca, at the Daily Mail.

In related news, how does sex with someone who weighs 70 pounds even work? A significant portion of the male population weighs around three times as much. I imagine the experience to be not entirely dissimilar from attempting to have sex with an anatomically correct gingerman.

The anorexic mother who weighs less than her daughter, 7 [Daily Mail via Buzzfeed]

Adorable as it may be and even though I’d be shocked — repeat, SHOCKED — if this doesn’t end up being shared on everyone in your family’s Facebook in the next week, I would not be okay with my parents posting this if I were a kid. It’s embarrassing enough when your parents show off photos of you as a child doing stupid things to a new girlfriend or boyfriend. Imagine now you have to deal with all this attention and you’re kind of shy about it, like this kid seems to be when he catches his dad. Sounds like grounds for divorcing your parents to me.

At least Rebecca Black was initially a willing participant in her round of Internet meme creation.

Caught My Son “Doing Dishes”. Wait for it. [Reddit]

I’m definitely not hating you if you just felt it get a little dusty in the room. Just think: Even five years ago, the best this dad could have done for his daughter was call her and read the story to her. You know how much gets lost in a reading of Farmer Mickey without the pictures? It’s only 1/10th of the emotional rollercoaster it is in this clip.

Spoiler alert: In the end of the book, Mickey gets squeezed out by a farming consortium and hangs himself in his barn. A kid’s got to learn about Big Agriculture at some point in her life.

PRE-RECORDED DAD READS BED TIME STORY TO DAUGHTER [Stuff I Stole from the Internet]

First we have the old Zelda cartoon from the late 80s in which words are bleeped out to give the impression that everyone’s cursing. Thankfully, the show was all about Link trying to bang the princess, and Link’s fairy companion trying to screw her master, so the joke actually works in this instance…

Next is something completely different; some dude singing a heartfelt song that’s not directed toward’s the Zelda games per say, but the man who made them. AKA Shigeru Miyamoto, who is affectionally referred to as “the father of my childhood”…

Okay, let’s get the obvious out of the way: this guy must have had one colossally sh*tty childhood if the only things that gave him any joy were video games. Christ, talk about depressing. And calling the guy who also made Super Mario your dad? I think therapy, not YouTube, is where you should be telling your story, pal.

You know, it is true that Miyamoto has had a profound impact on many of us as kids, and I have plenty of happy memories related to video games, HIS video games. But despite being a sentimentalist myself to an embarrassing degree, I am unable to join those who believe the tribute above is anything wondering. Cuz it’s not.

Sorry, but the line “My parent clothed and cared for me, but you taught me everything” sends douchechills down my spin like nothing else. Like, seriously? What an a**hole. Like raising a child is no big deal, and all the hard work plus sacrifice that any parent put forth while doing so… and I have to guess his folks were no different than any other… didn’t instill in him any knowledge or moral fibers.

Unless there’s a part of the story that we’re not getting, like his parents brutally absurd the guy, he’s just a grade A dick in my mind. And for the record, I don’t have kids, nor do I want any, since I know how hard it is to be one! Also, I don’t even get along all that well with my parents! But I respect them enough to know that they busted their ass to make sure I didn’t turn out a complete idiot and the like.

And people why Nintendo fans are so deluded?

Wow, what a magical gift! When you’re a teenager, there’s nothing more you want than a car. But one your mom calls “The Placenta”? Not so much.

Plus if you were birthed in there, who knows what other magical bodily fluids were dropped in there during its existence. It certainly wouldn’t shock me if dad let a map of Hawaii or two in there. Bottom line: I’d rather have a car like the one Fred Flintstone drove over “The Placenta”. Thoughtfulness of a gift doesn’t matter when you’re driving a 23-year-old car while sitting in your own amniotic fluid.

Girl Receives 1989 Toyota Corolla LE That She Was Born In for 16th Birthday [Brobible]

After police were tipped off about the risqué edition of “Show and Tell,” they went to the mother’s home where they found another crack pipe and a butane lighter.

Police estimate the amount of crack the kindergartener brought to school had a street value of $3,700.

Cheatham was charged with possession of a controlled substance and endangering the welfare of a child. She faces up to seven years in prison if found guilty.

Personally, I’m most curious about what exactly the kid presented this stuff as. “Mommy’s Crazy Smokes”? “Mama’s Neglect the Baby” cheat code? I would assume he didn’t bring it in just to get his mom in jail so there had to be an innocence to it that we adults could never see.

Either that, or this kid is the most clever drug kingpin of all. Watch your ass, Gus Fring.

Child Brings Mom’s Crack Pipe For Show-And-Tell [CBS Local St. Louis]

I can’t even train my dog to avoid leaping over the back of my couch to tackle someone (as she so gracefully did yesterday), so this trick seems pretty far out of the question. So I’m saving up all the knowledge I pick up from these animal YouTube videos for when I have a kid. You may think balancing dog treats on a human child’s nose is inhumane, but I say I’d rather have my child be a successful dog than an unsuccessful human. *awaits Parent of the Year award.

Look At This Obedient Dog of the Day [The Daily What]

Kerry claims her daughter doesn’t mind, having been comfortable with the Botox treatments after seeing her mother undertake them on her own face. And since it’s for the competitive world of child beauty pageants that the little girl enjoys, she sees nothing wrong with it.

Obviously, psychologists interviewed by ABC were up in arms saying that if the physical pain doesn’t lead to problems for li’l Britney, the emotional pain will.

I’m going to drop a reality bomb on you right here: This shouldn’t be happening. But not even because pageant moms are the scummiest, most negligent parents around. This girl isn’t even really “pageant cute”. I mean have you seen “Toddlers and Tiaras”? They could make Roman Polanski and Pete Townshend fight to the death with dull sticks. This little girl is getting it doubly bad because not only is she not getting to be a normal kid, her fat pig of a mother is just setting her up for failure, too. And really that’s the biggest crime of all: Having big fat arms like that mom the deceit.

Fat babies have to be checked in to fly under the plane on Virgin Blue.

“I stood up and there were people laughing and then I said ‘Get my son out of there now,’” the mother Natalie told Melbourne’s Sunday Herald Sun.

“I was devastated. I was absolutely devastated. I was crying. My husband was in shock. For days on end I was crying.”

The flight attendant was fired and the family was offered reimbursement for the full amount of two return flights. The family said they, and young Riley, are traumatized by the incident.

I certainly get that you can’t run through life shoving infants into cramped dark places. But it seems a bit dramatic to see the flight attendant being an ass as a life-ruiner for the 17-month-old kid. Yes, Riley was probably like, “Uh, why am I back in a random darkened cavern again” for a couple minutes. But then when he got out, he probably saw a cookie or something shiny and was like, “Holy shit! Look at that! I remember nothing else from the last twenty minutes because I’m a baby!” So seriously, cool out mama bear. Negligent and stupid? Sure. Something to worry about days or weeks later? Definitely not.

Tot ‘put in plane’s overhead locker’ [Courier Mail via SFgate]

Click for full-size if the text is too small

Personally, I’d just be disappointed if I were a pedophile in the Baton Rouge area, saw this listing, and was immediately misled after clicking through. Those types of deals don’t come along often in places that aren’t Thailand.

“My 14 year old is a disrespectful disobedient unappreciative BRAT sale” [Craigslist] [Reddit]

The acronym SMH comes to mind. As do its siblings “SMDH” and “SMMFH”.

Then again, could be worse…she could go to law school.

facebook: future stripper [EPICponyz]

Personally, I would love to host a recap of this show every week on TLC in which I take the mother’s side. “Yes, you could call this child abuse. But her eyebrows looked absolutely horrendous. If this little girl didn’t want to be made up, subjected to painful beautifying process, and trotted around like a junior harlot, then maybe she should have chosen to be born to a different family. Grow up, little caterpillar brow.” *snap snap snap*

I’m not going to legitimately try to defend her mother here, but there are many worse sticky things a young girl can get in her eyes. Just saying.

5-Year-Old Gets Eyebrows Waxed, Not Happy About It [Buzzfeed]

I just hate to find out what’ll happen if the uncle ever sees the young man’s Tweets, his Foursquare, or, even worse, his last.fm. The more abstract the social media concept, the crazier the teen’s faux-gang bragadoccio gets.