The world seems overrun with worthless celebrities, blowhards and fame-whores with nothing to offer the world other than the sale of their own dignity for the enjoyment of slack-jawed yokels everywhere. Obviously, some of these fools need to go away. And fast. Of course, we can’t include every worthless celebrity on this list because then it would be roughly 968 names long and I’m pretty sure I would get a nosebleed or at the very least get the urge to run wild with a hatchet by the time I hit number 50 and nobody wants that. Note: this will be epically hate filled and will probably piss some people off, but what the hell, at the very least this should earn me an invitation to the next Playa Hater’s Ball and none of you should begrudge me that. Now, with all that said, let’s get on with it.

9 Paris Hilton
The only reason Paris Hilton isn’t higher on this list is because no one really seems to give a shit about her anymore, at least according to the ratings from her latest miserable reality show which show that her audience basically consists of a retarded squirrel and a ham sandwich by this point. Still, Paris will always deserve to be on this list because she is basically the Queen Mother of the vapid fame-whore movement. I mean, come on, she literally became famous for sucking a guy’s dick. Now while I can applaud that kind of dedication to good old fashioned whoredom, unfortunately it paved the way for a generation of talentless ambition freaks, soulless monsters with cash registers for brains and hearts made of greed, all flooding the airwaves in a tidal wave of dumb noise, spray tanned giant asses and naked stupidity. Paris Hilton started all that. She made being a dumb whore fashionable and for that, she needs to go away.

8 Nancy Grace
Nancy Grace is the parasitic beast wriggling on the ocean floor of popular culture, sucking up every monstrous and hate-able thing she can, feeding on it in order to earn ratings and invitations to stupid reality dance shows. She trades on the misery and despair of others, and the worst part is that she actually clothes herself in some self-righteous do-gooder persona, like she is some sort of avenging angel. Well, why is it then, that the only “downtrodden” and “hopeless” people she advocates for are all stereotypical Natalee Holloway types, photogenic white, middle-class types who make for a nice, tidy story on the cover of People magazine? Where are all the stories on behalf of the poor African–American kids who go missing? Where are the indignant pleas for justice on behalf of the those poor, ugly folks doomed to be forever ignored by the press because they’re not photogenic enough? Those are the people who could really use her help. But instead, Nancy Grace prefers to appeal to the dimwitted carnivores of pop-culture, those who eat that shit up like popcorn at a movie theater. And because of that, she really, really needs to shut up and she really, really needs to go away.

7 Ashton Kutcher
I was all set to include Charlie Sheen on this list, but really, he’s pretty much already gone away. So instead I figured I’d include his talentless replacement, a doofus who has become more famous for being Ashton Kutcher: male concubine, than for anything he’s done in a movie or television show. It’s not that Kutcher is all that obnoxious – okay, fine, he totally is – so much as he’s generally, well, worthless. What does he actually add to anything? Is there anybody out there who sees his name attached to a project and thinks “Oh, man, I’ve gotta see that!” He basically exists now to spew dumb shit on Twitter and make Demi Moore look bad, which let’s be honest, isn’t that hard to do, but come on, man. Maybe it’s time to go back to Iowa for a while, Ashton. Or just go anywhere that we don’t have to see you. But no matter where you choose to go, just make sure that, for now anyway, you just go away.

6 Betty White
Wait… what? I know, I know, this one will probably make a bunch of people mad if only because, if I have learned anything over the years, it’s that on the internet people will get mad about literally anything. But I also recognize that Betty White is beloved. And honestly, this isn’t a knock on her. She’s great. It’s just that, well, the poor old lady needs to go away for a while. She’s a human punch-line at this point, the 2011 version of the Where’s the Beef lady or the Macarena. She shuffles onto the stage or screen, says something vaguely shocking and everybody howls. Good. Great. But… enough already, you know?

5 Jon and Kate Gosselin
The good news is that these fools seem to be on the way out. The bad news, though, is that they basically cashed in the lives of their own children for fifteen minutes of tacky fame. Jon has become an Affliction wearing joke, a tabloid punching bag whose greatest accomplishment in life is that he gave Lindsay Lohan’s dad a soul mate. Kate, meanwhile, just comes across like the Wicked Witch of the West, a humorless harridan obsessed with keeping her talons firmly affixed around the throat of whatever notoriety she’s “earned” by pooping out a whole litter of children. And she does it all with that same “I just smelled something terrible” look on her face that Nancy Grace has. Tthese two are awful and they have very likely ruined their kid’s lives and doomed them all to a lifetime of therapy and for that, they can kindly go away.

4 Anyone on ‘Real Housewives of… [fill in the blank]‘
This is the world Paris Hilton built. This is the world we all let happen. And every time you see one of these plastic faces on your TV, leaking botox and shame all over the place, spewing inane bullshit and, well, just generally being completely awful in every conceivable way, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know I am.

3 Snooki
Honestly, I could include virtually the whole cast of Jersey Shore here but for the most part, those dudes and lady dudes (and in J-Woww’s case, that seems like it might actually be an appropriate term) seem like harmless goofballs. The biggest exceptions are, of course, The Situation and Snooki. The Situation, though, seems like he’s already been burnt out. His ridiculous candle has already been snuffed and no one seems like they even care about the poor fool anymore. But Snooki… well, Snooki just won’t go away and that’s a problem because out of all of these idiots, she’s the one who seems the most despicable, like she understands only all too well that she is just America’s clown and just keeps feeding the beast with one ridiculous thing after another. Which wouldn’t be too bad except she is so obviously transparent about it. She’s on the TV, she’s all over the net, she’s got her own fragrance (eau de whore?) she’s got some lame spin-off coming up and she’s even all over the New York Times best seller list. A part of me appreciates her hustle. Another bigger part of me just finds her annoying as hell, and that part of me wishes she would just do the right thing and go away.

2 Lindsay Lohan
Look, I don’t want to see that crackwhore who lives in a box down the street and who sounds like she has a smoker’s cough from hell and who would probably trade in one of her last few remaining teeth for a moment of drugged out bliss, do anything, so why in the hell would I want to watch the slow-motion train wreck that is Lindsay Lohan’s life? There aren’t too many differences, except for… what’s that? Lindsay Lohan still has huge boobs? Well, carry on then. No, but for real, there is absolutely nothing interesting or attractive about Lindsay Lohan anymore. We get it, she likes drugs and she’s ruining her life and her family is terrible and blah, blah, blah… enough. It just never changes. She’s not America’s Sweetheart. She’s America’s Trainwreck. People don’t even want to make fun of her anymore. That’s how old this shit has gotten. They just want her to go away.

1 Anyone With the Last Name Kardashian or Jenner
Oh God, these friggin’ people. I don’t even know where to begin. They’re awful, just awful. I suppose I could start with this: this whole ridiculous clan is famous because of two things – Kim was filmed getting reamed by some dude and the original Kardashian patriarch was one of the ghouls responsible for getting OJ off the hook. What a legacy! Naturally, people who come from such fine, upstanding stock have parlayed that into epic fame-whorishness. These people would sell anything and everything. Their dignity was the first to go and now everything else is on the table too. They are so awful that they have even dragged multiple sports stars with them down into the gutter. It’s terrible. Of course, the core of this insane circus are Kim and her worthless sisters. I mean, it’s bad enough that Kim is famous just because she let some dude film himself banging her but her sisters are famous because they are simply related to that someone. They don’t even have the fame cache of a celebrity sex tape! They’re just… there. Okay fine, Khloe had that stint as the copilot of the Millennium Falcon but that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. In this galaxy and in this time, they are just human avatars of greed and pointless fame and because of that, they all need to go very far away.

Policitally correct? Not really. Hot? Definitely.

We’re back with another set of sexy female celebrities in their Halloween costumes to complete our roundup for the day. All in all it seems that celeb babes didn’t really have their creative thinking caps on, but it wasn’t a total loss. The highlight (as it is pretty much every day) of this set has to be Courtney Stodden and her husband Doug Hutchinson (he’s dressed up as Courtney in case you can’t figure it out — nightmare fuel for weeks there). Sophie Tuner (pictured above) seemed to get in the right spirit, but the rest of the ladies just didn’t do much for me. Maybe you’ll enjoy them more than I did though. In order below: Emmanuelle Chriqui, Miranda Cosgrove, Zooey Deschanel, Holly Madison, Snooki, Gwen Stefani, Sophie Turner, Courtney and Doug, Paz de la Huerta, Bridget Marquardt, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, and Kelly Brook in the saddest Halloween costume ever.

Kristin Cavallari & Jay Cutler “Working It Out,” Says Source
“They’re not officially back together but they’re definitely talking and figuring things out…”

Michael Jackson’s Shocking Dead Body Photo Shown By Prosecution
“Wearing a hospital gown and wrist band and a bandage over his nose, Michael’s body is lying on the gurney, with the date June 25, 2009 on the picture.”

January Jones Leaves Baby Daddy’s Name Off Birth Certificate
“After welcoming son Xander Dane on Sept. 13, January Jones still has yet to reveal the identity of the child’s father.”

George Clooney’s Ex Elisabetta Canalis Eliminated From DWTS
“I want to thank everybody because they made me come here. Thanks to the public and to everybody who voted for us.”

Rihanna’s New Video is Too Sexy for One Irish Farmer
“The issue was, that I felt Rihanna was in a more state of undress than a bikini top.”

Jesse James Accused of Cheating on Kat Von D
“You’re beyond an a**hole, you’re a sick predator who doesn’t respect women.”

Charlie Sheen Settles Two and a Half Men Lawsuit with Warner Bros.
“The pending lawsuit and arbitration will be dismissed as to all parties. The parties have agreed to maintain confidentiality over the terms of the settlement.”

Jennifer Garner: “It Would Be Weird to Have a Boy”
“…I’m sure it would be fun for Ben, he likes baseball and all that stuff.”

Paris Hilton Opens Luxury Store in India
“The socialite is set to launch eight stores by the end of the year…”

Selena Gomez to Host 2011 MTV EMA
“Lady Gaga leads the EMA pack with six nominations, followed by Katy Perry and Bruno Mars with four and Adele, Justin Bieber and 30 Seconds to Mars with three.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Eliminated DWTS contestants Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Simon Cowell: I Had a “Bizarre” Blind Date With Denise Richards
“She turned up 8 months pregnant and had a dog in her handbag.”

Denise Richards Denies Date With “Hot Piece of Ass” Simon Cowell
“If I was being set up, I didn’t know it!”

Price Is Right Producers SUED for Sexual Harassment
“Lanisha Cole, the longest tenured model on TPIR, filed the lawsuit … in L.A. County Superior Court.”

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler Are Still Dating
“Anybody that knows me knows that I’m definitely a guy’s girl.”

Elisabetta Canalis Breaks Silence on George Clooney Split
“I have always seen cold and controlled men as the right ones for me.”

Madonna Offered $300K To Partner With Cougar Dating Website
“To us, Madonna is without a doubt the queen of Cougars, and therefore, we at CougarLife are extremely interested in exploring a unique partnership with you.”

Paris Hilton — Training to Become Most Powerful House DJ EVER
“Hilton has been traveling the world to shadow some super-famous DJs to get some guidance for her upcoming house music album.”

Holly Madison Tells Hef’s Runaway Bride: “Get A Life!”
“She can’t think of anything on her own, so she has to do everything I’ve done.”

Reese Witherspoon Not Pressing Charges Against Driver
“the actress, 35, is not planning to press charges against the 84-year-old woman who struck her with her car in Santa Monica, Calif. on Wednesday.”

Famous Designer John Galliano — Guilty of Hate Crime
“Former Dior designer John Galliano has been found GUILTY of making anti-Semitic and racist comments in Paris…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes video of Jennifer Lawrence being turned into Mystique for X-Men: First Class.

Hustler insist they have a Rihanna & J-Cole sex tape
“We have seen it and we do not know what we are going to do with it yet.”

Kris Humphries’ family “looked appalled” at Kim Kardashian wedding
“Everybody felt awkward, like it was all for the cameras and more like a TV show than a wedding.”

Steve Jobs resigns as CEO of Apple
“I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple’s CEO, I would be the first to let you know.”

Jim Carrey: I want to have “freckle-faced” kids with Emma Stone
“When Carrey references the ‘sex’ he hopes to have with The Help star, he momentarily loses his train of thought.”

Suite Life star Brenda Song pregnant — by Miley’s brother
“They are beyond thrilled. [She is] about eight weeks along.”

Jerry Bruckheimer and The Rock producing ’80s wrestling drama For NBC
“There’s no word on the direction the series would take, but, it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

The X Factor’s Simon Cowell gets weekly vitamin IV drip
“When you have it done, it’s an incredibly warm feeling.”

Report that Will Smith walked in on Jada Pinkett Smith and Marc Anthony
“…sources close to the couple insist they have not separated, but there are significant problems in their marriage.”

Christopher Knight files for a very Brady divorce
“…Christopher Knight has finally filed for a divorce from his reality star wife Adrianne Curry…”

Report: Paris Hilton’s reality TV show cancelled
“Hilton’s show on Oxygen earned barely 400,000 viewers for its June debut and sunk even lower in subsequent airings.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of former Miss Australia Erin McNaught’s sexy photo shoot for Zu.

Dark Knight Rises: Batwing first look!
“The aircraft appears to utilize fan-driven engines and be made of a series of interlocking plates, indicating that the ship may have some sort of shape-shifting quality.”

Nine of Michael Jackson’s former docs could be called as witnesses
“Dr. Murray’s lawyers list 103 people who could be called at the trial, including a nurse practitioner Cherilyn Lee…”

Reese Witherspoon flaunts huge new belly tattoo in bikini
“…Witherspoon’s chosen tat was a star, flanked by what appears to be two small birds.”

Paris Hilton missing 2 cellphones following flight to Philippines
“Hilton’s in the area to promote The Azure Beach Club, a luxury resort in the Philippines she helped design.”

Pippa Middleton flaunts tan, packs lunch for beau Alex Loudon
“She had packed a wicker hamper with sandwiches, juices, fruit and other snacks.”

Amy Winehouse fashion line still planned for fall
“After much consideration and with the blessing of Amy’s family, we have decided to release the AW11 Amy Winehouse for Fred Perry Collection.”

Kate Gosselin’s TV show, Kate Plus 8, gets canceled
“”By the end of this season Kate Plus 8 will have hit the 150 episode mark (including Jon & Kate Plus 8); an exceptional milestone.”

Tara Reid gets engaged, married in one day
“Hours after becoming engaged to Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, the 35-year-old tied the knot in Greece…”

Charlie Sheen pelted by garbage during concert appearance
“From the highest paid actor in TV history to getting pelted with garbage at the Gathering of the Juggalos in less than six months, Charlie Sheen’s year of ‘winning’ continues.”

Adam Sandler: I did not dine and dash!
“The restaurant owner says Adam’s company wouldn’t pay, so in retaliation, he put a sign in the window of his restaurant which read, ‘ADAM SANDLER ATE HERE AND NEVER PAID.’”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Taylor Swift has a minor wardrobe malfunction at her concert in St. Louis.

Kim Kardashian suing Old Navy
“Kim is filing a lawsuit … claiming they intentionally used a look-alike in an effort to dupe the public into thinking Kim was affiliated with Old Navy.”

Leonardo DiCaprio splits with Blake Lively?
“DiCaprio has allegedly broken up with the Gossip Girl star because his mother didn’t like her.”

Chris Brown — Neighbors says he’s a nightmare
“…the dude is utterly disrespectful, blasting loud music and partying day and night … even racing dogs down the hallways at all hours.”

Ben Affleck gave Jennifer Lopez advice on crumbling marriage
“Guadalupe Lopez, the singer-actress’s mother … sought Affleck’s advice on July 12…”

Britney Spears: My ex-bodyguard’s lying about drugs, farts
“Flores … claims she uses methamphetamines, farts a lot, picks her nose and has terrible hygiene practices.”

Paris Hilton walks out of interview with ABC News
“Dan Harris after he asked her if she’s concerned she’s a has-been, referencing the new wave of socialites, including Kim Kardashian.”

Katy Perry, Adele, Kanye West lead VMA nominees
“The #3 all-time VMA award winner, Eminem, picked up three nominations this time for Best Male Video, Best Direction and Best Cinematography…”

Lindsay Lohan facing new lawsuit — assault & battery
“Lindsay Lohan dished out 8 to 10 seconds of pain when she attacked a Betty Ford employee last year … so says the alleged victim…”

Lindsay Lohan’s new man — Their date night caught on camera
“Lohan, 25, is snapped with Spencer Falls, who plays one half of the Virgin Mobile spoof couple “Sparah.”

Jessica Simpson is NOT pregnant
“All the grief Jessica Simpson gets for her weight may have just gone too far, because the starlet has been forced to announce that she is NOT pregnant…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Cassie Ventura’s new Blank magazine photo shoot.

It hardly even looks like Paris Hilton... probably a good thing...

Paris Hilton posed topless for the latest issue of V magazine. While that sounds like something that could actually make her a worthwhile human being, she’s sporting a hairbra so we don’t actually get to see what 79,372,563, whoops… 79,372,564, people have already seen. I wonder if this had anything to do with her racing team? Probably not. It probably has more to do with her reality show than anything. God, I loathe this woman. Enjoy the pics!

Justin Timberlake considering MySpace talent competition
“…the singer-turned-actor has got plenty of ideas about how to get MySpace back on track as a destination for music fans…”

Why Casey Anthony was acquitted
“…perhaps the key distinction is this: Where the prosecution sought to provide answers, the defense aimed to raise questions.”

Paris Hilton stalker arrested, accused of violating restraining order
“Someone recognized him as being the man who had given her trouble in the past, and the cops arrived pretty quickly…”

Jennifer Aniston: Horrible Bosses topless scenes are just “good rumors”
“Where do these things start?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger to give Maria Shriver “generous settlement”
“The Terminator is worth roughly around $500-750 million dollars…”

Nicki Minaj: My cousin was murdered
“27-year-old Nicholas Telemaque was killed around 2:40 AM on July 4 from ‘multiple gunshot wounds to the upper torso.’”

Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansson’s divorce finalized
“Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson have officially moved on.”

Katt Williams’ bodyguard kills dog in bizarre attack
“…one of Katt’s bodyguards was bitten by a German shepherd — prompting the bodyguard to open fire twice … killing the dog.”

Playmate’s Mom: My daughter is NOT banging Hef!
“Lena Griffin … tells us her daughter has NEVER been Hef’s girlfriend — adding, ‘the rumors that they are dating were just for publicity.’”

Transformers sequel sets box-office record
“Summer sequel mania was in full swing over the Independence Day holiday as the latest Transformers movie took in an estimated $97.5 million.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
New trailer for the upcoming movie The Three Musketeers.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Bar Refaeli on the outs?
“DiCaprio has been on-and off-again with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model since breaking up with Gisele Bundchen in 2005.”

Justin Bieber egg tosser arrested
“The teen was arrested at his home in Bondi Junction, and police seized a cell phone and other items while taking him into custody.”

Paris Hilton takes a shot at Lindsay Lohan
“It ain’t the first time Hilton’s taken a shot at Lohan.”

Elin Nordegren is dating again
“She’s doing really well.”

Kristen Bell, Dax Shepard not having a wedding ceremony
“I mean, we’re still getting married, but we’re going to do it whenever we feel like it.”

Jesse James’ porn star ex-wife writing her own “tell-all” book
“Janine Lindemulder, who’s been embroiled in a messy custody battle with James over 7-year-old daughter Sunny, is determined get her own story across.”

Norm Macdonald — $25,000 Bet on Manny Pacquiao
“Manny is such a HUGE favorite … Norm’s $25k bet will only pay off $3,125 if Pacquiao wins the fight.”

Finally, Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg becomes a homeowner
“…he reportedly paid $7 million for the five-bedroom, five-bathroom house in Northern California’s Silicon Valley.”

Kelly Preston to join John Travolta & Lindsay Lohan in Gotti film
“…the actress will play John Gotti Sr.’s wife Victoria, alongside her husband, who plays the late mafia don.”

Kirstie Alley: I used to have “two hours a day of sex”
“The way I used to pick guys was so shallow. Hot? OK, that’ll be my husband.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
SI swimsuit model Kate Upton at the Beach Bunny Swimwear show in Miami.

Ice-T and wife Coco to star in reality series
“The happy couple will star in an upcoming reality show for E! dubbed Ice Loves Coco.”

Lindsay Lohan’s wild life captured in new comic book
“The comic is titled Infamous: Lindsay Lohan and is set for a September 2011 release…”

Britney Spears bans junk food and alcohol from tour
“Spears has also requested that Michael Jackson’s albums be played repeatedly in her dressing room.”

Aflac hires a new duck to replace Gilbert Gottfried
“The fans suggested Fran Drescher. They got Dan McKeague.”

Paris Hilton responds to ‘worst driver’ claim: It wasn’t me!
“First of all, I wasn’t even driving that day.”

Paris Hilton to testify against knife wielding intruder
“Nathan Parada’s felony burglary trial will begin on Monday in a Van Nuys, California courtroom.”

Katie Price cheats death in horrific car-horse crash
“One horse hit the front of the car and flew over the hood smashing the window screen and causing extensive damage – the horse died on impact.”

Katie Couric: I am leaving CBS Evening News
“I am looking at a format that will allow me to engage in more multi-dimensional storytelling.”

Is Megan Fox removing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo?
“…the portrait of the iconic blonde looked noticeably lighter when Fox accompanied hubby Brian Austin Green to a party…”

Beyonce accused of destroying Xmas for 70 people
“The company claims it is entitled to the $6.7 mil it invested into the venture — as well as more than $100 million in profits…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes of Jordana Brewster’s photo shoot for Maxim magazine.

Lindsay Lohan sentenced to work at morgue
“Her duties include cleaning and maintenance, but she would not clean the actual crypts where the bodies are stored.”

Lindsay Lohan feels she’s being punished because she’s a star
“We were all in shock when she was forced to return to jail just to make an example out of her. It’s not right. Especially when she is working so hard to live a healthy life.”

Sarah Shahi calls Paris Hilton a ‘horrible excuse for a human being’
“Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. What if there was a kid around the corner, you dumb b—-.”

Rebecca Black — I don’t wanna be ‘Friday Girl’
“I want to be a performing artist. That’s what I’ve always wanted to do.”

Christina Aguilera opens up about Super Bowl fumble
“That night I knew, I just made myself a Trivial Pursuit question.”

Eminem, Foo Fighters, Coldplay top Lollapalooza 2011 lineup
“Joining them is an appropriately eclectic mix of talent, including A Perfect Circle, Cee Lo Green, Damian “Jr. Gong” Marley and Nas, the Cars and Ween.”

Robert DeNiro takes on Donald Trump over Obama birth claims
“I won’t name names, but certain people in the news in the last couple of weeks, just, what are they doing? It’s crazy.”

CBS finally has an exit plan for Katie Couric
“…a major announcement will be made when Couric returns from covering the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.”

Bethenny Frankel: I built a $120 million empire thanks to reality TV
“I went on the show single-handedly and exclusively for business…”

Child abuse investigation in Nic Cage arrest
“Mr. Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Behind the scenes with Eva Mendes at the Reebok EasyTone Apparel Launch.

Peace right back at ya, Vanessa...

In case you weren’t aware, the Coachella Music and Arts Festival is happening this weekend featuring dozens of artists like Cee Lo Green, Wiz Khalifa, Kanye West, Eliza Doolittle, Duran Duran, Ms. Lauryn Hill, and Kings of Leon. The real highlight of the event though is the sexy celebrity babes in attendance each year. Like for example, this year Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene, Alessandra Ambrosio, Lindsay Lohan, Kate Bosworth, Whitney Port, Dita Von Teese, Paris Hilton, Alexa Chung, Jessica Stroup, and Nina Dobrev are there enjoying themselves (well, I’m not so sure about LiLo) and causing those in their vicinity to enjoy themselves as well. Dammit I should have gone to this thing. Next year!! (P.S. I’ll update this page with more pics of other hot celeb babes if and when I come across them. Cheers!)

Charlie Sheen hinting about a return to Two and a Half Men
“There’ve been discussions, but I was asked not to divulge anything.”

Warner Bros. to Charlie Sheen: Stop lying about Two And A Half Men
“As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his returning to or having any involvement with the series.”

Demi Lovato: “I basically had a nervous breakdown”
“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, ‘You need to get some help.’ It was an intervention.”

President Obama to appear on a final Oprah episode
“The First Lady is also expected to make an appearance.”

Jerry Seinfeld calls the Royal Wedding “a circus act”
“You know, it’s a dress-up. It’s a classic English thing of let’s play dress-up. Let’s pretend that these are special people. OK, we’ll all pretend that — that’s what theater is.”

Paris Hilton hooks up Charlie Sheen’s wife with dates
“My mom (socialite Kathy Hilton) is really close with Brooke, and (Brooke) always come to her for advice.”

Mickey Rourke apologizes for dissing his film, Megan Fox
“I don’t know why I said that stupid shit. I love Mitch, I love Megan. My bad.”

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper may be dating again
“Jen always had a soft spot for Bradley, and she thinks he is very attractive and charming.”

Seann William Scott leaves treatment
“He is looking forward to beginning production next month on American Reunion for Universal Pictures.”

ABC Cancels All My Children, One Life to Live
“AMC’s final episode will air in September 2011, and OLTL’s will air in January 2012.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Sara Jean Underwood returns as Bustice where she faces down her arch nemesis, General Jiggler.

Kendra Wilkinson has another lesbian sex tape
“It’s a long tape, about 45 minutes. And there is nothing left to the imagination.”

Betty White rips into Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen
“They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional, and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful.”

JWoww is ready to have kids
“Hopefully I’ll be able to settle down and have kids within the next couple of years — maybe even the beginning of next year.”

Britney Spears signs Nicki Minaj for concert tour
“Everyone involved in the concert is relieved Enrique Iglasias’ ego couldn’t handle opening for Britney and feel Nicki will be infinitely better.”

Paris Hilton sued for not returning $60,000 in jewelry
“Alianz contends Hilton never bothered to return the jewelry after police returned it and the Louis Vuitton bag it was stolen in to her.”

Rapper Gucci Mane arrested
“Radric Davis was charged with misdemeanor battery after a warrant was issued following an incident where he allegedly pushed a female out of a moving vehicle, causing her bodily harm.”

Kate Gosselin being sued by marriage counseler
“The complaint was filed at Freeland District Court in Pennsylvania before Judge Gerald Feissner on March 28, 2011, by a company called Creative Energy Options.”

Natalie Portman has given up veganism
“If you’re not eating eggs, then you can’t have cookies or cake from regular bakeries, which can become a problem when that’s all you want to eat.”

Kelly Osbourne considering gastric band to maintain weight
“She’s recently been on holiday and put on ­almost a stone (14 pounds) while ­enjoying herself.”

Dennis Quaid opens up about cocaine past
“It was supplied, basically, on movie sets because everyone was doing it.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The Beastie Boys, “Fight For Your Right – Revisited” featuring Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, Will Ferrell, Jack Black, John C. Reilly, Rainn Wilson, Rashida Jones, Jason Schwartzman, Ted Danson, Stanley Tucci, Chloe Sevigny, Rainn Wilson, Rashida Jones, Jason Schwartzman, Steve Buscemi, Will Arnett, Susan Sarandon, etc, etc, …

Bret Michaels suing the Tony Awards for almost killing him
“Michaels has filed a lawsuit … blaming producers for not instructing him on how to safely exit the stage after his performance was over … because while he tried to exit, he was ‘smacked’ in the face by a piece of the set.”

Charlie Sheen calls Denise Richards a ‘kidnapper’ and ‘dog thief’
“Any good will that existed between Charlie Sheen and his ex-wife Denise Richards may be gone.”

Will Ferrell may join The Office cast for good
“Ferrell is confident he could fill Carell’s shoes — and already has ideas on how he’d change up the sitcom’s script.”

Mila Kunis weighs in on Black Swan, Natalie Portman controversy
“Natalie danced her ass off,” says Kunis. “I think it’s unfortunate that this is coming out and taking attention away from [the praise] Natalie deserved and got.”

Katy Perry’s mom is not happy about Katy’s act, boobs
“Katy stepped out from behind the changing doors in a tiny risqué costume. No mother wants to see the top of her daughter’s boobs…My first instinct was to order her back behind those doors and demand she put something else on.”

Raunchy Christina Aguilera pictures for sale
“Hundreds of highly intimate photographs of Christina Aguilera have surfaced, including candid images of the star partying at Nicole Richie’s bachelorette party and in bed with her boyfriend Matt Rutler.”

Sylvester Stallone to release menswear inspired by Rocky and Rambo
“Clothing is the first step to building a character. I really believe I have an understanding of the male psyche on all levels.”

Britney Spears, Ryan Seacrest to host Wango Tango Festival
“…which will feature performances from Ke$ha, Jennifer Lopez and Selena Gomez.”

Lil Wayne and Paris Hilton might record a song together
“I was gonna ask you, how are you gonna release an album and don’t get me on it?”

Reese Witherspoon got married to Jim Toth
“Wearing a custom-designed Monique Lhuillier gown, the actress, 35, exchanged vows with CAA agent Toth, 40, in front of 120 family members and friends.”

Recently, the woman behind the photo, who had been anonymous for the better part of three decades, revealed herself to the public.

Fiona Walker was an 18-year-old art student called Fiona Butler when she agreed to pose for her then boyfriend, an ambitious young photographer named Martin Elliott.

With a borrowed sports dress and racket, she and Elliott created one of the most iconic images of the 1970s.

Elliott went on to sell the image rights to Athena but retained the copyright, earning an estimated £250,000 ($413,000) in royalty payments. Two million copies were sold worldwide.

Which brings us to Paris Hilton-the woman who doesn’t have a single, original, creative bone in her body. She decided to take on Fiona’s poster with a version of her own. Thankfully for all involved, she still wore panties. Considering the way the woman has defiled herself over the years, which included hiding some cocaine in a pack of cigarettes in her vaginal cavity, I’m not sure even the horniest of men would want to see her bare body parts.

Three decades on, Fiona Walker identifies herself as the woman without panties in famous cheeky tennis poster [Courier Mail]

ABC won’t press charges against Chris Brown
“That’s especially good news for CB — because he’s currently on probation for beating up Rihanna … and could have faced prison time if the judge violated his probation on grounds he committed vandalism.”

Brown will still appear on Dancing With The Stars
“Despite Chris Brown’s backstage outburst at the Good Morning America studios on Tuesday … the singer still will appear on another ABC show next week.”

Actress Elizabeth Taylor died at age 79
“Though she had recently suffered a number of complications, her condition had stabilized and it was hoped that she would be able to return home. Sadly, this was not to be.”

Paris Hilton hates black people
“We were making out, but then we went somewhere where it was bright and I saw that he was black and made an excuse and left. I can’t stand black guys. I would never touch one. It’s gross.”

Meet Charlie Sheen’s new Goddess, Megan Levant (PHOTOS)
“She reportedly met Charlie at the Playboy Mansion a while back, and has established herself as quite the party girl in the Hollywood scene…”

What the hell happened to Fergie’s face?
“A cosmetic surgeon breaks down what work the Black Eyed Peas front woman could have had done to her mug.”

Christina Aguilera has joined Twitter
As of Wednesday morning, the @TheRealXtina had accumulated more than 42,000 followers on the social networking site.

Justin Bieber, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj to release a Japan aid album
“While the entire lineup isn’t finalized just yet, U2 and Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga are all said to be in talks to contribute.”

Lindsay Lohan visits seven night clubs in four days
“A prosecutor could very well collect evidence that Lohan’s been frequenting these places as grounds for a probation violation or having her bail revoked, which could lead to jail time.’

Selena Gomez planning a Britney Spears tribute for her tour
“The tribute will look to the past and to the future in terms of Spears’ discography, Gomez teased.”

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Joining the long list of the recently single Ashley Greene broke up with Joe Jonas. I told you she was underrated.

— Kelly Brook is pregnant. You win some, you lose some.

— Bradley Cooper and Renee Zellweger also split up. After dating for nearly two years. Her magic spell must have expired.

— Alexa Nikolas might be the one leaking the Vanessa Hudgens nude photos. So says some random emailer.

— Speaking of leaked nude pics, apparently there is a good chance we’re going to get more since it is also being reported that Vanessa’s pics are the result of hackers. Supposedly 50 different celeb accounts have been compromised including those of Ali Larter, Busy Philipps, Scarlett Johansson, Miley Cyrus, Emma Caulfield, Addison Timlin and Renee Olstead.

— Cee Lo Green says he’s nailing two or three chicks a night. He really takes his song title literally doesn’t he?

— Ryan Reynolds isn’t having any trouble getting over the loss of Scarlett Johansson.

— Usher and his ex-wife Tameka Raymond have a sex tape coming out. Maybe.

— Paris Hilton got breast implants when she was just 14. Her mother made her take them out though. Way to be a proactive parent.

— Christina Aguilera’s hit Ain’t No Other Man might sound familiar to you, but that could just be because the beat was lifted from another song without permission.

— Katy Perry’s mom is writing a book, but it’s not a Katy Perry tell-all. She says it’s about herself. Riiiiiight.

— Dennis Haysbert, who starred in Major League with Charlie Sheen, claims Charlie’s completely delusional about a Major League sequel.

— Andrew “Dice” Clay has become the voice of reason regarding everything Charlie Sheen. Well, okay, not really. He’s also a little batshit.

– And did you know that Sheen invented a pivoting Chapstick lid and trademarked an anti-drug slogan? The man just never stops giving.

— Mel Gibson’s mug shot looks totally not like a serial killer.

— Here’s a shocker: Michael Lohan’s ex-fiancee has accused him of punching her girlfriend in the face.

— Sandra Bullock gave $1,000,000 to Japan. I have no joke here. That was just nice.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the geniuses over at Sports Illustrated and features none other than our new favorite bikini model Kate Upton. Did you expect anyone else?

It pains me to say this, but, DAYUM!

Say what you will about Paris Hilton, she’s annoying, stupid, vapid, whatever, the one thing you can also add is that she has some magical melon balls. This is what is known as gettin’ it freakin’ done, right here. I’ve never seen a woman who can one day look like she has no rack whatsoever thereby making me lose what minimal bit of interest I have in her then the next day pull something like this off and have me rethinking her value to society.