Oh if only it were as easy as hitting a button to do things like “lie,” or “put on a hat,” or “cook meth.” Especially the latter. I’m sick of those glamorous people in Montana having all the fun.

It bums be out because, really, all this needed was Piper hitting Eli Roth in the head with a coconut. You could make a comedy video consisting primarily of discussing the merits of infant sodomy and if it ended with Roddy Piper hitting in the head with a coconut, all would be forgiven.

I’m not mad, Funny or Die. I’m just disappointed.

Piper’s Pit with Rowdy Roddy Piper & Eli Roth [Funny or Die]

Throw in a cameo from the real-life versions of Beavis and Butthead and I’m all in.

So it’s a little weird to be turned on by that last scene of Alia Shawkat rocking back and forth in her Chuckie costume, right? I mean, I’m okay with it. Just looking for some emotional support and solidarity, is all.

In fairness, the wooing added to the scene with the leather jacket-clad bully and Screech. A little Screech-based forcible gay sex never hurt anyone. Well, except Screech. A little rectal bleeding is just the price you pay for entertaining the masses.

Inappropriate Wooing of the Day [The Daily What]

Personally, I stopped supporting the rights of invisible people when I found out they sexually assaulted and murdered a unicorn in a Walgreen’s parking lot. Those people are savages.

Family Restaurant Bans Invisible People [Buzzfeed]

And it’s definitely one of the best of bunch, IMHO…

Though in lesser hands, it could have been a disaster (or simply not funny at all). It’s by the same folks who did the interactive Luigi’s Mansion that I was so found of, hence why I dig.

Personally, would have liked to see the girl who was the princess from before, but gotta keep it consistent I guess.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m keeping an extra close eye on Chet Gardners in the future.

Rooftop Slip n’ Slide [Jest via Vulture]

This video is really a good insight into the mindset of a subset of society we don’t necessarily spend enough time with. Who can’t find common ground around pointing and laughing at women who think that taking a load from a guy who throws a ball into a hoop for a living is somehow a sign of upward social movement? Basketball Wives is truly the great unifier for our times.

Watch ‘Sh*t Black Girls Say’ [Vulture]

You can say yes to helping someone this Christmas and get your Water.org Water Bottle here. Fill it with whiskey and that way you can help society and hurt yourself in one swoop! Yay, convenience!

Borderline pedophillic incestual pseudo-cannibalism has never been so heart-wrenchingly delicious. Which is surprising given what a popular storytelling crutch that is.

Unofficial Ad for Sour Patch Kids is Terrifying, Oddly Effective [Geekosystem]

SIRI, YOU’RE TEARING THIS FAMILY APART!

Siri Argument [College Humor]

You may think this wouldn’t make you want to see a country, but you simply don’t know the majestic beauty of some guy waking up out of bed, throwing on a hoodie, and torching a small business owner’s entire life with a molotov cocktail because “well it was there.” It’s like seeing the top of Killmanjaro.

[Thanks for the tip, Ben!]

My personal favorite suggestion is that you should look like you’re about to vomit. There’s no time in life where that little trick won’t come in handy. While giving a speech, attempting to get out of an uncomfortable situation by feigning illness, or even a gal is fellating her lover and trying to make him feel more “adequate”, that’s a good tool to keep in your utility belt.

OMG, how to be good at public speaking: Talk like Kristen Stewart [OMG blog]

According to Gawker, the series is designed to retell Biblical parables using stories that women can relate to. And apparently, the best way to achieve that is through trashy reality shows. Which sadly isn’t that far off. I mean seriously, we should probably start imparting important life lessons to teenage girls through the teachings of educational powerhouses like Snooki and one of the possible-rapists from “Ice Road Truckers”. It’s really how society is destined to progress.

The Real Housewives of the Bible Actually Exists [Gawker]

I got distracted by the girl in the bikini at 0:43. I don’t get out to Bryant Park that often these days but is that a common thing to have ample breasted girls leisurely sunbathing and willing to listen to fake discussion of aliens from a guy with no shame? Because if so, I need to make that my new hangout. They’re really going to love the banter I have about Roger from “American Dad”.

[Thanks for the tip, Ryan!]

Jamais vu btw, and according to Wikipedia, is “the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that one recognizes but that nonetheless seems very unfamiliar”…

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There's more misses than hits admittedly. But each could have also easily been dragged way too long, like most one trick ponies never know when to stop when they're ahead (ESPECIALLY on YuuTube). So all in all, not so bad.

Though this second one is actually a bit better...

Oh, and for those interested; here’s part one, which isn’t video game related at all, but board games?

Video Game Art – Retro Game Parodies [GoNintendo]

I really enjoyed this video. Mostly because it amuses me that tens upon tens of hours of production, design, and staging went into a video where the punchlines are about crapping oneself and sodomizing a horse. It’s a beautiful paradox more than anything.

Frankly, this is how “LOST” should have ended. Are we really going to pretend like a magical light cave and the “YOU’RE ALL DEAD BUT YOU LOVED THE SHIT OUT THE ISLAND” reveal was any better than this? Come on.

[Thanks for the tip, Tony!]

Can we throw in “I’m being forced to watch nerds rap about ironically anti-capitalistic concepts” in there as a problem? And why does YouTube so greatly love people rapping who we “don’t expect to rap”? Did movies in the late 90s not drive that bit into the ground when every film had a rapping grandma in it because it was so unexpected? That gag should have died a painful death when “Philadelphia” ended with Cloris Leachman rapping to Tom Hanks about why he should have used a “rubber when getting pumped full of man blubber”.

First World Problems Rap [Reddit]

I wouldn’t be shocked of that photo of the couple getting it on in the middle of the riot was disseminated by the tourism board. What better way to stave off a PR nightmare than saying, “Hey, rest of the world! It’s all good! Our girls still put out even when there’s a chance they could find themselves engulfed in flames like Freddy Krueger at any moment.” If that’s not a reason to visit a city, I don’t know what is. The threat of a car being flipped onto a girl’s head during sex far exceeds even my worst social faux pas when trying to fingerpop a girl after meeting her in a bar.

Check Out the Latest Ad From the British Columbia Tourism Board [Vulture]

Honestly, a song just about Rocky’s son and the robot would get me to pay for an entire musical. Everything else was gravy here.

Rocky IV: The Musical [The High Definite]