Not a particularly compelling story beyond the wardrobe choices involved, but you can read more about the arrest at RecordPub.com.

T-Shirt Makes Creepy Child Pornography Mugshot Creepier [Buzzfeed]

“They’re accusing me of wanting to hurt children. They’re accusing me of encouraging pedophilia and all these other things. But that’s not why I wrote the book,” the 47-year-old from Pueblo, Colo., said.

“I wrote the book to establish guidelines so that people would behave in a manner that is non-injurious to each other, for one, and, for two, to communicate the fact that these people who are so different in maturation, etc., that when they develop relationships, they use certain principles that regular people, adults, would be well to attend.”

So, uh, cool? Because if I’m a child getting molested by a pedophile, there’s nothing that would get me on track better than a book glorifying the horrific experience I went through.

On the plus side, at least it’s not a pop-up book.

Author of Amazon Pedophilia Book Speaks Out [ABC News]

A Florida woman has been arrested after allegedly masturbating in front of teen football players in Ocala this weekend. Venus Lewis, 41, was charged with three counts of lewd and lascivious exhibition and battery after she reportedly chased after two football players and told them she’d have sex with them.

Venus Lewis maybe likes youth league football a bit too much. (Marion County Jail)
Police say Lewis, who appeared to be drunk, then walked to a set of picnic tables, pulled down her pants, and inserted a tampon before beginning to masturbate in front of the children. According to police reports, the children were at least under the age of 16. Police also say Lewis attempted to grab the genitalia of another underage player.

Well then. I think that although I can’t say I condone her actions, I applaud her for inserting the tampon first. This was a traumatic incident for these kids, I’m sure, but I’m pretty sure she’d have turned a group of teens to suicide if they’d have seen all this go down and ended up bathed in uterian plasma like they were sitting in the front row of a Gallagher show. The shame and trauma of that could probably only be topped by actually going to a Gallagher show.

[Zimbio, as seen on Deadspin]

That second chick could kidnap the crap out of me any day. “Oh no busty older women, please don’t take me…I’d rather stay in my home and have to go to school and eat broccoli.” Kids are so naive.

My codeword for my kids will be “I won’t rape you.” I figure it serves the purpose of informing the kids that A) the person picking them up is safe to go with and B) Reminding them that they will, in fact, not find themselves raped. Works on two levels.

So if I’m to believe the video, I really should just avoid people wearing sunglasses. You just don’t know what a person’s intent is if they’re hiding their eyes. Do they want to help or do they want to lock me in a trunk until they can skin me alive? I just don’t know!

Plus how do I know that I can trust the guy singing the song? He’s a stranger. What if this song was just an elaborate ruse to get me to trust him and avoid the people who are warning me, “Hey, stay away from that creepy dude who starts singing while hanging out around kids”? This is why I just don’t care and get into a car with whomever offers to take me around. When life hands you lemons, sometimes you get sodomized. Such is life.

[via]

On Thursday, a federal appeals court upheld the conviction of an Indiana man whose online efforts to proposition underage girls led him to not one, not two, but three undercover cops, none of whom apparently knew about the others.

The case began in August 2006, when aspiring sexual predator James Daniel started an online conversation with Amanda_13, a fake 13-year-old girl voiced by Sergeant Richard Howard of the Porter County Sheriff’s Department.

After several highly explicit chats, Daniel asked Amanda_13 to meet him at a park in Valparaiso, Indiana, to have sex. When he showed up, he was arrested for inducing an individual under 18 to engage in criminal sexual activity.

When Secret Service agents searched Daniel’s computer, they found logs of chats with two other apparent minors, who described themselves as 13 and 15 years old, respectively. Federal prosecutors introduced the chats at Daniel’s trial as evidence of his perverted motives.

Supposedly, it was only after Daniel was convicted that the feds realized that one of those girls, daisy13_Indiana, was also a cop working the very same Secret Service operation. They informed Daniel’s attorney, who appealed on the grounds that the government improperly withheld information that would have proven entrapment.

The case became even more bizarre when the three-judge appellate panel reviewing the conviction saw the screen name of the third supposed teenager, blonddt, and recognized it from an earlier case.

“To our surprise, the government was unaware until this panel told it at oral argument that the other screen name, blonddt, was also an officer from the Indiana operation,” wrote Judge Diane Wood on Thursday.

[via]

All 50 states in the US require those convicted of sexual offences to sign a register so that their whereabouts can be tracked and monitored. The information is also freely available online. ThinAir Wireless, the developer of the Offender Locator application, has used this database to build the tool.

Offender Locator uses the iPhone’s built-in GPS to pinpoint the user’s location, and then provide a map listing sex offenders in the local area. Tapping on one of the ‘pins’ dropped on to the map brings up a photograph of the offender, as well as their address, date of birth and list of convictions.

Users can also search for sex offenders living nearby a friend or colleague whose address is stored in their Apple iPhone address book, or they can type in a street address to generate a list of convicted sex offenders in the local area. There are around 50,000 registered sex offenders in the United States.

That seems useful but these maps are always kind of disturbing. Especially when you load it up and it looks like your map is filled with an interpretive recreation of Nena’s 99 Luftballons. I’m sure it’s not true, but people imagine that it’s so bad in areas that dense, that if you’re carrying a My Buddy doll, it’ll quickly look like it’s getting sprayed by a yogurt hose when you walk it home. An actual child? Like a Guy-in-Glasses-and-Wispy-Mustache Cock Car Wash.

But what about fairness in the free market? Parents may buy this tool to gain a competitive advantage, but what about one for the sex offenders? Sure, it doesn’t need to cater to really sick perverts because they’re terrible people, but would it kill some app to give me a heads up on high school seniors with no real opposition to statutory rape and a need for booze? This media isn’t social enough for practical purposes, I’ll tell you that much.

[via]

In Thailand, they have Innocent Kids’ Juices in vending machines. Very accessible.

Now that I think about it, this might actually be a bit underpriced. I don’t know how many of you studied economics, but when you have a better product and there’s a demand for it, you can jack up the price a bit otherwise capitalism doesn’t work. And people who are interested in such things getting the juices of kids for years for the cost of some ether and a Nintendo DS, I’d have to imagine there’d be a premium paid for the juices of kids who don’t put out as easily. Yeah you heard me kids, you’re all whores!

[via]

Though I joke about it often, I can’t say I condone pedophilia. I get it’s probably not a lifestyle choice and rather some sort of mental illness, but I can’t say I approve (I’m going out on a limb here). Now I think if you know about someone in your life perhaps dabbling in childfery, you need to take it upon yourself to help. Not by greasing the monkey bars in the hopes that a child will knock himself unconscious, but rather by thinking outside the box. Hire a little person, put him in one of those propeller hats and Osh Kosh B’Goshes and have him prance around. It’s like the vampires drinking a blood substitute on True Blood out of a bottle; sure, maybe it’s not as delicious, but it’s better than ending up covered in blood and filled with remorse.

Listen, so what if MacGyver’s bathing kids that don’t belong to him and getting all wet? It doesn’t mean he’s a pedophile. Maybe he’s just a bath enthusiast. This kid has to learn a lot of important lessons in life. MacGyver apparently previously taught him that it’s okay for a strange man to wash his dingle, and now he’s learning how to disassemble a bomb. That seems like a fair trade-off. Shit, MacGyver can wash my ballsack if it means that I get a free lesson in preventing terrorism. That’s the kind of sacrifices I’m willing to make for my country.

Still though, this kid’s not even cute. You can do better, MacGyver. Find someone a little more tussleable. You deserve it.

[via]

It’s a lot like Star Search. Only instead of stars, you get a sore heinie and the prize is repression of memories. Which isn’t much of a prize, really. Unless they give you the Men in Black flashing light memory eraser to keep. I can see how that’d come in handy lots of times in the future. Hell, I’d take a creepy older man invading me like a proctologist for that prize. I’ve done it for less.

[thanks Greg for the tip]

That’s so sad. If I ever have kids, I’m going to tell them to always talk to strangers. Kids are too fat these days and running from a man in a wispy mustache will give them their daily dose of physical fitness and teach them a very important lesson about trusting no one. Plus, if they were an unwanted pregnancy, I can just dust my hands off and move on with the healing process. Of collecting insurance money.

You mean this dude has a problem getting ladies? Shut up, no way!

Two days before his trial was to begin, a man who calls himself a vampire and once ran for Minnesota governor has admitted to harassing a Rochester teen by e-mail.

Forty-five-year-old Jonathon Sharkey pleaded guilty Monday to two counts of gross-misdemeanor harassment in Olmsted County.

Sharkey is nicknamed “The Impaler.” He ran for governor in 2006 under the “Vampyres, Witches and Pagans” banner. The girl came in contact with him in 2007 through his MySpace page.

Sharkey and the girl dated online, but she tried to end it within two weeks. She told police he sent threatening messages.

Sharkey said in court that his threats were in response to threats to him.

It might be a bit of an understatement to go, “Yeah, this dude’s a bit crazy,” but man, he is indeed crazy. And not just for the fake vampirism or running for Governor or spelling Jonathan with an “o” but harassing a girl after two weeks dating? Online? I can’t imagine what the f a chick would do that could possibly make her give two craps about her after going, “omg ur so cute” online for two weeks. I’ve cared more about the tonsils I had removed.

What makes someone go so horribly awry though? I don’t know what you do as a parent that can turn your kid so fed up like this. Did you not only have someone dressed as Dracula babysit him, but also smash his head into the carpet multiple times as a youth? Because that seems like somewhat irresponsible parenting. Pretty sure Freud didn’t account for that one.

[via]

I could never be a clown. And it goes deeper than my pervasive fear of clowns (can you imagine looking in the mirror and being terrified of yourself? It’d be like being a suburban black man). But the idea of having to put makeup on every day and entertain children and avoid the temptation to lock them in my basement, it’s just too much. I’m pretty sure that’s what finally got to Gary Glitter.

Arresting online predators, car thieves and an armed robber are some of the things that a handful of Crete police officers do best.

Crete Officer Paul Howey recently was given a Crete Police Department commendation for his expertise and exemplary investigation that resulted in the arrest of online predators.

In four unrelated cases between Oct. 25 and March 26, Howey posed as a 13-year-old girl in online conversations that resulted in four people being charged with indecent solicitation of a child.

“Because of the diligence and persistence exhibited by Officer Howey, along with his expert knowledge — regarding online sexual predators, four felons were removed from society before they were able to exploit and harm young girls.”

[via]

Provo police are investigating a bizarre incident this week: a van parked in a residential neighborhood with a sign on it, reading: “free candy inside.”

It turns out, police believe the sign was harmless. But for neighbors who live in Provo’s Grandview neighborhood, it raised serious concerns with them that a child predator could be targeting kids on the street.

The white van was parked on a neighborhood street in front of a home. No one on the street knew who the van belonged to, and the neighbors were worried about the sign posted in the back window.

Officers tracked down the van’s owner, who is a college age student. He told officers he put up the sign a few days ago as part of a prank with his friends.

It’s kind of funny to do this because, really, I don’t think many pedophiles are outright announcing their candidacy for your child’s bunghole with signage. But at the same time, I’d probably say the same thing if I saw a live coyote seemingly laying down dynamite. Then just like that, I meep no more.

Are there any children dumb enough now to fall for free candy? Like, if I were a kid, I’d want toys and games and electronics. It’s called inflation. Fucking stupid kids and their lack of economic understanding. This is why you end up wetting yourself and crying for your mommy. Should have paid more attention in business school.

[via]

Since there’s literally no civilized nation which would currently consider Dakota Fanning legal, I’m going to discuss food. You know when you get a piece of nice rib eye steak from the butcher and you bring it home and look at it and know it has to cook a bit. So you put some butter on it, slap it on a pan and begin searing away. And it starts to sizzle. Maybe it looks a little off at first, like it’s not going to turn out properly. But then it starts to get browned on the outside and it starts rounding into form. And even though it’s still a little rare inside, it’s definitely not medium well like most people like it, it’s juicy. Perfect. Ready to be devoured.

Oh that wasn’t symbolic or anything, I just think steaks are awesome. As for Dakota Fanning? She’s something that rhymes with “berry truckable.”

[more photos from dakota's prom here]

A self-described pastor who hoped his “marriage” to a 10-year-old girl he took to bed would convince a judge to acquit him on a sexual assault charge was sentenced to five years in prison on Monday.

Daniel Cormier, who was convicted last October following a lengthy trial, has a maximum of 49 months left behind bars because of time already served.

“I would say that there’s no remorse,” Crown prosecutor Anne-Andree Charette said outside the courtroom. “He just tried to find justifications.”

[via]

That’s a pretty clever way to protect yourself when chasing younger gals but an even more clever way to avoid getting arrested is to not do it all. Unless she’s got a full body pic. Then you really don’t have a choice in the matter; the heart (and groin) wants what it wants.

Wendy Whitaker, 29, has been on Georgia’s sex offender list for more than 12 years. Her crime? She performed oral sex on a high school classmate just after turning 17. The boy was just shy of his 16th birthday. Both were sophomores. Whitaker is now suing, claiming that given her crime, her sex offender status is cruel and unusual punishment.

After the international uproar associated with the Genarlow Wilson case (Wilson, you’ll remember, was convicted of a similar crime—having consensual oral sex with a 15-year-old while he was 17), Georgia’s legislature clarified state law to prevent these sorts of cases—what Whitaker did 12 years ago is no longer a crime in Georgia. But because some Georgia lawmakers stubbornly wanted to keep Wilson in jail, the legislature took a separate vote to keep the law from applying retroactively. Wilson and Whitaker are still convicted felons. Whitaker’s suit cites the Georgia Supreme Court’s ruling in Wilson’s case, which found that Wilson’s 10-year sentence and mandatory sex offender status amounted to cruel and unusual punishment.

Whitaker is also involved in a second lawsuit—this one to keep her house. In 2006, she and her husband scoped out neighborhood surrounding the Harlem, Georgia home they eventually purchased to be sure they were in compliance with Georgia’s sex offender law at the time. That law prohibited offenders from living within 1,000 feet of any area where children congregate. Despite their efforts, local authorities ordered Whitaker and her husband to vacate shortly after they moved in. They had overlooked a nearby church, which was running an unadvertised daycare service.

Yeah sure, this SOUNDED like a great story and one that warranted my support of the poor blowjob giver. But then I found this picture of her and, well, I completely am in favor of punishing this sexual predator to the fullest extent of the law. She shouldn’t have a home, a family, or the Hostess snack cakes she apparently takes three times daily as though they were vitamins. I’m not a very political person, but one cause I’ve always taken up is less rights for the fat and ugly. Because it’s fine if you’re one. But if you’re both, we have a serious problem and you should probably be stop mixing your awful DNA into our gene pool.

Also, what a sex offender name “Wendy” is. If I had to bet on any name being the most common female sex offender name, it’d be Wendy. It just says “I’m going to diddle underaged boys and give them little race cars not to talk” to me.

[source]