Linda the penguin has split up two male penguins who lived as a nesting couple for six years at the San Francisco Zoo, caretakers said.

Male penguins Harry and Pepper had been so content together they were allowed to incubate and hatch an egg laid by another Magellanic penguin last year, zookeeper Anthony Brown said.

Enter the widow Linda, who began courting Harry in her partner’s old burrow shortly after his death this past winter, Brown said.

“To be completely anthropomorphizing, Linda seems conniving,” Brown said. “She’s got her plan. I don’t think she was wanting to be a single girl for too long.”

Though Harry and Linda have been nesting in recent months, molting season in late summer tends to reshuffle couples, KTVU-TV reported Sunday.

“It’ll be interesting to see if Harry spends any of that time with Pepper,” Brown said. “We’ll have to wait and see.”

I like how the zoo is positioning this like it’s compelling prime time drama TV, only with the cast members incapable of flight and dressed like adorable maître d’s. It’s like Melrose Place, but with more intelligible dialogue.

Linda’s a real homewrecker but, at the same time, you can’t fault Harry. A bisexual penguin has needs and there are just some itches another male penguin can’t scratch. Like when Harry needs to get yelled at for eating on the coffee table or be denied sex due to Linda “having a long day,” while meanwhile she’s probably just f’ing that big black penguin down the block because she’s an untrustworthy whore who only lives for her own happiness, no matter who gets hurt. Yeah, I could definitely see how a penguin could fall for a special gal like that.

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What’s black and white and warm all over? A penguin in a wetsuit, naturally. Sounds like a joke, but it’s quite serious for biologists at the California Academy of Sciences, who had a wetsuit created for an African penguin to help him get back in the swim of things.

Pierre, a venerable 25 years old, was going bald, which left him with an embarrassingly exposed, pale pink behind.

Unlike marine mammals, which have a layer of blubber to keep them warm, penguins rely on their waterproof feathers. Without them, Pierre was unwilling to plunge into the academy’s penguin tank and ended up shivering on the sidelines while his 19 peers played in the water.

“He was cold; he would shake,” said Pam Schaller, a senior aquatic biologist at the academy.

Pierre’s species of penguin is accustomed to temperate climates, unlike many of their cousins. The birds are nicknamed Jackass penguins because they make sounds similar to braying donkeys, quite startling the first time you hear it in an aquarium.

Look, I kind of want to bully Pierre because he looks like such a douchebag in his little jacket with his sore pink behind, but it kind of seems like this poor guy can’t catch a break. Not only can he not do traditional things like penguins do such as as swimming in the water and eating delicious fish, but he can’t even make normal penguin noises. And they call him a Jackass to boot! It sounds like Pierre is living the life of a children’s book or a Pixar movie. So yeah, I’d still probably kick him in his penguin stomach and laugh as he tipped over, but I’d take a little less joy out of it than previously thought. I’m only human.