To determine the averages, the survey took a look at the last five years of the company’s sales on its brand of “tailor made” condoms, called “TheyFit Condoms.” The condoms require exact length to be submitted in order to get the perfect fit. Which is a much better surveying method than walking up to men, grabbing their crotch, and giggling.

Additional “fun” facts from the press release:

* Top Ranking State by Average Penis Size: New Hampshire
* Lowest Ranking State by Average Penis Size: Wyoming
* Top Ranking U.S. City by Average Penis Size: New Orleans
* Second Highest Ranking City (just behind N.O.): Washington, D.C.
* Lowest Ranking City by Average Penis Size: Dallas/Ft. Worth
* Blue States vs Red States: Blue States’ Average Penis Size is Bigger!
* Penises Come in a Wide Range of Sizes: The Smallest Penises are Less Than 3″ in Length and the Largest Penises are Longer Than 10″ in Length
* Penis Sizes Chart Almost a Perfect Bell Curve: 25% of the Male Population is Under 5″ in Length, 50% are Between 5″ and 6″ in Length and 25% are Longer than 6″ in Length

And the complete rankings, in largest to smallest, for both US cities and states:

20 Cities Ordered by Penis Size
1. New Orleans
2. Washington DC
3. San Diego
4. New York City
5. Phoenix
6. Portland
7. Atlanta
8. San Francisco
9. Chicago
10. St. Louis
11. Seattle
12. Miami
13. Indianapolis
14. Columbus
15. Boston
16. Denver
17. Los Angeles
18. Detroit
19. Philadelphia
20. Dallas/Ft. Worth

50 States Ordered by Penis Size
1. New Hampshire
2. Oregon
3. New York
4. Indiana
5. Arizona
6. Hawaii
7. Louisiana
8. Massachusetts
9. Alabama
10. Washington
11. New Mexico
12. California
13. Arkansas
14. Nevada
15. Virginia
16. Tennessee
17. Illinois
18. Oklahoma
19. South Dakota
20. Georgia
21. Pennsylvania
22. Mississippi
23. Michigan
24. Florida
25. Rhode Island
26. Kansas
27. Maryland
28. Minnesota
29. Vermont
30. Connecticut
31. Wisconsin
32. New Jersey
33. North Dakota
34. Idaho
35. Texas
36. Missouri
37. Montana
38. Ohio
39. Nebraska
40. Colorado
41. Maine
42. North Carolina
43. Delaware
44. South Carolina
45. Kentucky
46. West Virginia
47. Alaska
48. Iowa
49. Utah
50. Wyoming

“Who dat” with the largest penises in America? New Orleans, D.C., & New Hampshire top the charts for penis size [Condomania Press Release]

The businessman, 55, was forced to undergo an emergency operation after his problem persisted for a staggering 21 days.

Doctors at a hospital in Kolkata, India, eventually performed the surgery to put the middle-aged man out of his misery.

But although the hour-long operation was successful, it rendered the man impotent.

Doctor Avishek Mukherjee said: “It was very late when the man sought treatment.

“The treatment has to be sought within six hours, otherwise it could even lead to death, besides the degeneration of the penis.”

To enlighten you to the science of this a bit (and also kill your erections for the time being), the cause of the erection was the usual-penis-ruiner of a priapism, a condition which prevents blood from leaving the penis. In order to prevent gangrene, the typical treatment for such a priapism may involve using a large needle to forcibly drain the blood out of the organ, not unlike what Robert Pattinson might do in between scenes while method acting on the set of “Twilight.”

Man Undergoes Emergency Surgery for 21-Day Erection [My Fox NY]
Image via [Awkward Boners]

While I appreciate the offer, I don’t think I want a construction company handling my erections. Sure they’ll get it up at some point, but it’ll be done by unqualified migrant workers over the course of three months at a really high cost to my business. Also construction workers have really rough hands. Thanks but no thanks, Mr. Gulf.

[Reddit]

A Brazilian art restorer has discovered a new layer hidden in a centuries-old painting of the Greek god of fertility Priapus by French artist Nicolas Poussin – the deity’s erect penis.

“They hid the phallus of Priapus. It’s what we call adjustment for modesty, and it’s not uncommon,” said Regina Pinto Moreira, quoted in Tuesday’s edition of the Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper.

She suspects the cover-up was made in conservative Catholic Spain in the 18th century.

It does seem to make more sense why he’d have that creepy smile.

In 18th century conservative Catholic Spain’s defense, who hasn’t hid a creepy old man’s erection at some point in their life? We used to do that at Christmas with my grandfather’s leftover tinsel. Outside of a bumpy ride on Santa Claus’s lap, never has childhood trauma been so heartwarmingly seasonal!

[via]

I don’t know what’s better about this clip…how well-endowed and proud of his huge bunny johnson that Bugs is or how surprised/impressed/aroused Elmer Fudd is when seeing it. This is truly a benchmark moment in furry animated porn.

They should have used Bugs Bunny’s big wang as a plot device in more cartoons though. It’d be pretty funny if, when Bugs was dressed as a female bunny to seduce various people, the reason they figured out that it wasn’t Bugs was just because of the throbbing fuzzy penis they accidentally saw when tranny Bugs bent over. I think kids would really relate, especially if they ever wondered what happened when Daddy went to the bathhouses.

[as seen on]

Maybe it’s just the MRI, but there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of variation in his strokes. I’d hate to critique a man’s sexpertise off of an MRI video that he must have shot with a stranger in the room (I’d assume), but perhaps a little more pelvis action would help. Put on a show Random MRI Penis Guy, there are strangers watching!

I once had my sex MRI’d for a similar video, but the technician arrived too late so they only got an MRI of me handing over a hundred bucks and then sobbing silently while holding my teddy bear. Fortunately for the videographer, I had sex with the bear after. Sorry Mr. Huggington, but if you didn’t want to get violated, maybe you shouldn’t be nude in my bed.

A man plotted to kill his adoptive parents with the help of a friend he met on the internet, a court has heard.

Christopher Monks, 24, wanted Shaun Skarnes to murder his parents Christopher and Elizabeth Monks while they slept and then perform an extreme sex act on him, Preston Crown Court was told.

He told the jury: “It may seem extreme that he wanted his penis bitten off, but there is ample evidence from websites he visited and conversations with Shaun Skarnes that this was a deeply held interest and one he found sexually stimulating.

“It seems that Skarnes was to receive no money for killing Mr and Mrs Monks but the prospect of biting off Monks’ penis. This was the climactic act of the conspiracy.”

[via ]]> http://guyism.com/uncategorized/quote-of-the-day-187.html/feed 1 http://guyism.com/uncategorized/exploratory-surgery.html http://guyism.com/uncategorized/exploratory-surgery.html#comments Tue, 21 Jul 2009 14:21:14 +0000 Chris Spags http://blogofhilarity.com/?p=9716 Via PartiallyClips comes this look at the needlessness of exploratory surgery.

I’m always afraid to let surgeons operate on me. I mean obviously there are the fears that something could go wrong. Nobody wants to die alone on an operating table. But more than that, I’m really concerned what people will think when they learn about my massive hydraulic penis. Oh, I’ve heard the slings and arrows all my life. “Chris, your penis is so awesome and powerful, how could something so majestic even exist?” And I’m sick of it. Can’t a man just have a fantastic penis which may or may not have been stolen from a robot that’s capable of pleasuring any woman and just live his life?

I’m perpetually a bit disappointed in the world we live in today. I still get sick (including at this very moment, as I cough up a lung and seemingly have the immune system of a Haitian blood transfusion), I can’t eat healthy but delicious food in the form of pills, I still have to do most of the monotonous things people had to do decades ago. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m really not getting any of the pleasure from this hydraulic penis that the spam email promised me. “She’ll love your big pleasure drill,” said Babirye Barnard. “Melt her icy love glacier now,” he said. Oh, the sweet sweet lies I so desperately wanted to believe, as presented in the form of misspelled emails.

[via]

A Fulton County jury has awarded $1.8 million in damages to a boy whose penis was severed in a botched circumcision.

The state court jury gave another $500,000 to the boy’s mother in the decision rendered Friday.

The case involves a child, identified only as D.P. Jr., who was born at South Fulton Medical Center in 2004. In a suit filed two years later, his mother contended that the doctor who circumcised him removed too much tissue and that his pediatrician failed to respond when a nurse complained of excessive bleeding.

The tip of the penis was placed in a biohazard bag and might have been reattached if a urologist had attended to the boy within eight hours, one of the mother’s lawyers, David J. Llewellyn of Atlanta, said.

“This case does point out one of the dangers of circumcision that every parent must seriously consider when having the procedure done,” Llewellyn said. He contended that parents are not told of the risks of the procedure.

[via]

Wichita police arrested three people on Sunday in an incident that began when a man threw an inflatable penis at an officer’s horse.

Officers were patrolling the Old Town area on horseback at about 1:20 a.m. when they came across a large group of women in their early- to mid-20s who had been celebrating at a bachelorette party, police said.

Also in the group was a 24-year-old man, a brother to one of the women at the party. He was carrying a 5-foot-long inflatable penis, police said.

“While he was joking around with this toy, he launched this large toy toward one of our officers, who was on horseback,” police spokesman Gordon Bassham said.

The toy struck the officer’s horse, causing the horse to get spooked, he said.

[via (check the comments there for humorous additional punchlines)...thanks to anonymous tipster for the tip]

It’s pretty obvious to make a joke like “I bet she can suck a dick lol” but f that. That would be awful. It may shock you to learn that my penis is not roughly the size of a grenade launcher so I’m pretty sure it’d be in this chick’s mouth lost and afraid, like a little kid in the woods in a cautionary fairy tale. And my penis doesn’t have a lunchbox full of breadcrumbs to find its way back out, so that’s a pretty horrific outcome to subject my genitals to. And I’d get about as much pleasure out of it as I would getting a root canal performed on my ass. So I guess the point is that you need to use dick jokes responsibly because your penis can’t look out for itself.

*the more you knowwwww

This is why comics are silly. There’s no way at all you can have sex with a blender without seriously injuring yourself. Which is a good thing to learn now before you actually try. Unless you want to make a delicious penis smoothie, which is high in protein and semen content. And also fun to serve to someone without their knowledge. Particularly if it’s their own. Look, nobody said physical fitness was all fun and games.

“I have a tattoo on the side of my penis that says stove top,” Morgan tells me proudly, referring to the instant stuffing mix. “I’m pretty well-endowed. A girl told me to get that because I stuffed her up like a turkey. She said, ‘You should call that Stove Top!’”

It’s about 10 minutes into our interview on a day off from shooting, and Morgan wants to talk tattoos. He starts ticking them off: a peace sign, a happy and sad face, a cross bearing the names of his ex-wife and three sons, the name of a friend he played football with in high school who was murdered. He lifts up his shirt, revealing his doughy torso as he displays the words ME, MYSELF, & I on his back. And then there’s STOVE TOP.

I know what you’re thinking. A black guy with a comically massive penis? Stop the presses! What’s even worse is that Tracy Morgan’s story is so captivating that he got an Asian friend to tattoo “Rice Cake” on his penis because his penis was known to only satisfy the needs of women with an anorexic vagina. It was written in Chinese characters though, for spacing reasons.

[source]

Ha that guy is silly. Why talk about animals’ penises when you can just present a picture of your own? To minors? Er, I mean miners…something about them wearing their helmet flashlight and excavating my rectum is really appealing.

Most gruesome imagery I’ve ever conjured up here? Possibly.

A man told police he saw something he didn’t want to see recently: his neighbor’s penis.

And he said it wasn’t by accident.

The 25-year-old told an officer he’d backed out of his driveway and discovered his 40-year-old male neighbor was following him. When he turned around to go back home, the neighbor turned around too.

The younger man said when he got out of his car, the older guy “threw up some gang signs, pulled out his penis and swung it around.”

[via]

Shiancoe was inadvertently shown naked on television while a FOX camera crew taped owner Zygi Wilf’s presentation of the game ball to coach Brad Childress’ 19-year-old son Andrew, who is joining the Marine Corps on Monday.

Shiancoe was standing behind and to the side of Wilf with a towel partly covering his body. But not completely.

“It obviously was an oversight on our part and we apologize,” said FOX Sports vice president of Communications Dan Bell.

[via...cock pic here if you're (bi)curious]

Oh man if I had a dollar for every time I had said “cock” instead of the word I intended, I’d be able to pay off my student loans. “Guys, I am so hungry right now for a nice footlong cock..I MEAN SANDWICH OH MY GOD WHAT A SLIP-UP LOL.” And then when I’m hungry for a cock, I say sandwich. Maybe it’s a case of mild latent homosexual dyslexia. I’m no diagnosin’ doctor or nothin’.

The only way this photo from her show from Tuesday could have been more reflective of Martha’s preferences in a gentleman is if it were a big black Yodel that smacked her on the lips repeatedly then exploded all over her face.

[The video is fun too]

I’m not sure why the clowns look so sad. Seems like they should be proud of their accomplishments.

Fun fact: Did you know that a male cat’s genitals are spiky? I’m reminded of that for some reason.