This girl is crazy talented at painting, but did we really need the poorly acted intro? She knew what she was doing with that basketball from the get-go. That quick sales pitch from the cameraman did nothing to sway her intentions. Suspicious.

Watch a Girl Use Just a Basketball to Paint a Portrait of Yao Ming [Gizmodo]

In related news, when promoting a viral video on Reddit, titling the link “8-year-old girl does hardcore!” is probably not the best idea. Unless you’re trying to get 1,000 video views from Gary Glitter. “Video does not deliver,” says YouTube commenter gglitter1944.

8-year-old girl does hardcore! [Reddit]

Uh, was it really a good idea to call a charity dedicated to helping abused women “The Fistula Foundation” the best idea? Great cause, I’m sure, but man, let’s work on the branding there.

Someone needs to launch a Louis CK-esque campaign to get more of this fictionalized show done for incremental revenue. I don’t care that I’ve seen both shows far too many times, that mutated frog vomiting in the place of Jane from Breaking Bad‘s season two is one of top five most brilliant things I’ve ever seen online. I need it inside of me.

Is it less-than-manly if I say that was adorable? Because it was.

That said, needed more kidnapped little girls recreating the parts of the Tanner daughters. Parody accuracy trumps all state and federal laws.

Cute Couple Recreates Full House Intro While On Vacation In San Francisco [Viral Viral Videos]

You can click through to more adventures from this video…it’s pretty fantastic, not unlike a “Choose Your Own Adventure” but with many hilarious little jokes sprinkled in. Just phenomenally well done.

When choosing who to help in the first video above, the obvious answer is Kelly. Friendship and Jesse’s drug addiction are great and all, but only one of these plotlines is going to have a direct impact on my character’s dick getting wet. Kelly and her hobo dad are the logical choice.

For the record, my little write-ups after videos like this are heavily impacted by whether I think the girl in the video is of legal age or not. Since I’m not sure, let’s just say that I certainly respect this girl’s cupsmanship and soulful song stylings. I’ve long craved to see someone combine the athleticism of cup stacking with the black musical stylistic thievery of a young Elvis. It brings a tear to my eye to finally see that happen.

“You’re Gonna Miss Me” Cover [Buzzfeed]

Not to totally ruin things for you, but of course this would work out. I mean how many living people are there walking around and having perfectly normal lives with half a body? They were pretty much destined to be together.

/literalchris

Honestly, a song just about Rocky’s son and the robot would get me to pay for an entire musical. Everything else was gravy here.

Rocky IV: The Musical [The High Definite]

I sincerely hope you watched that from start to finish. To recap, we have this yellow dinosaur dude who’s warning kids. Then he busts an aspiring pederast in the middle of him soliciting little kids, only to let him go. Then the creep tries to fingerpop some prepubescent girl and the jive-talking goes away and the yellow dinosaur gets angry, rips the door off a safe, takes the creep’s pedo pics back and walks out. I mean, this is probably the greatest cinematic triumph that’s ever been.

Someone out there, bring this back and turn it into a weekly show. We will advertise it for free and promote it every week. I may not have been able to save FX’s “Lights Out”, but perhaps I can convince FX president John Landgraf to make “Jive Yellow Dinosaur: Pedo Cop” a reality.

YELLOW DINO: PEDO HUNTER [Everything Is Terrible via Vulture]

Don’t worry, nerds; according to the YouTube comments, Pitts asked the teacher in advance if it was okay to do this and she approved.

Maybe this Jason Pitts isn’t the best looking, most ripped, or coolest kid in school. But he has a song, four goofy friends harmonizing like he’s Diana Ross and they’re The Supremes, and, oh yeah, MARACAS. Sorry Lianna Cohen, but you’re giving it up to this dude on prom night. It’s for the good of society.

And if you like young Mr. Pitts’ music, hit him up on his Facebook page and let him know.

[Thanks for the tip, Jeremy!]

On the one hand, I can’t help but be impressed with the talent and effort that went into this. On the other hand, his musical theatricality kind of annoyed me. So I think a reasonable compromise would be him ending his medley reenacting the scene with Bambi’s mom. Everybody wins!

One Man Disney Movie [Buzzfeed]

Gneiting competed the marathon in 9 hours, 48 minutes, and 52 seconds.

Though he jogged the first eight miles, Gneiting had to walk the final 18 to cross the finish line.

The race was made more difficult due to Gneiting’s pace; street closures and reopenings account for only a 13-minute-per-mile pace, leaving Gneiting to have to wait for stop lights at every turn.

When discussing his determination to finish with the LA Times, Gneiting said, “I was really struggling in the last five miles. But I said to myself, ‘If I have to crawl, I will.’”

Good for this dude. Granted, he’s already a professional athlete so you can’t really compare him to other fat guys who spend their off time finding and eating Cheetos which landed in between rolls of fat, but still, he had to work his ass off to accomplish this.

That said, to everyone who finished behind this guy…you should be ashamed. If you were an able-bodied person in the marathon and you couldn’t pass a man who weighs 1/5th of a ton, you should probably just be put down. This Gneiting guy was better equipped physically to be accidentally dropped on Wile E. Coyote’s head than he was to run a marathon.

Here’s a bonus video of Gneiting’s sumo career. Largest breasts you’ll ever see on this site, kids:

L.A. Marathon: It’s official, Kelly Gneiting sets Guinness World Record as heaviest man to finish [LA Times via Dlisted]

Can someone get a Kickstarter fund-raising project to turn this into a full film? Immediately?

My one critique: There is no way that hipster douche should be playing Bowser. I don’t care how high on shrooms I am, I’m not buying that dude as anything other than someone sipping lattes and talking about how he’s building the next Foursquare. I’d like to see a stoned Mario curbstomp him like Ed Norton in “American History X”. Get to work, Joe Nicolosi!

Williams racked up over four million views on YouTube over the course of two days, landing interviews with everyone from CBS’s Early Show to the Today Show. But his biggest interview came on his local pop radio station WNCI when a representative from the Cleveland Cavaliers offered him a job (listen to the clip below, starting at 5 minutes, 45 seconds in) doing announcing for the team and its home stadium, the Quicken Loans Arena.

As part of his hiring, the Quicken Loans Arena and the Cavaliers are also paying for a mortgage on a brand-new home for Williams.

Ignoring the obvious publicity stunt factor and our usual jokes, this is seriously just an awesome story and something genuinely touching to see happen. Congratulations to Ted Williams and we wish him the best of luck with his new start on life.

Between this and the now successful homeless musician Daniel Mustard who got his break on the Opie and Anthony show, I’m thinking I need to just go around with a camera and film homeless people until I find their hidden talent. Or they stab me. But ne’er shall the two twains meet.

UPDATE: Here’s a picture of Ted all cleaned up from a video of his interview on WNCI’s Web site. Dude’s looking sharp.

VIDEO: Ted Williams, Homeless Man With Golden Voice, Offered Job, Housing By Cavaliers [SB Nation]

Personally, if I were Sara, I’d have seen that part where they’re in the park and been mildly offended that, in both looks and body composition, my boyfriend made me look way too much like Whoopi Goldberg. That alone warrants a rejected proposal.

But I’m assuming she accepted. If your boyfriend makes a three minute Muppet-based opus to your love, and you reject the proposal, you’d have to be the worst person over (and want to make Zombie Jim Henson cry). Plus, how can I root against a couple who joyfully litters in a public park? It’s a fine art. Congrats to the happy couple.

“THE PROPOSAL” – MY CINEMATIC LOVE LETTER TO SARA PRINDIVILLE [Ceaser Photography]

The irony of, I believe, Sam from “True Blood” playing the role of Wile E. Coyote should not be lost on any fan of the show.

I personally never got why people would root for Road Runner. Sure, he meant no malice, but he was just a naturally gifted simpleton who coasted through life. Wile E. was out there hustling, planning, trying to make his dreams come true. Maybe he was a little too brand loyal to ACME, but still. Road Runner just had everything handed to him. How is that a good lesson for kids?

I can think of no better way to celebrate a holiday linked to the birth of a Christian messiah better than by connecting a staple of that holiday with a band most well-known for their loose ties to Satanism. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a dose of irony sprinkled with sacrilege.

Slayer Christmas Lights: this holiday house decoration totally shreds [BoingBoing]

You know, it’s kind of a weird thing. Like obviously the whole cotton thing was a big part of race relations in this country, so it’s certainly noteworthy enough to bring little kids to. At the same time, bringing small kids with no concept of slavery to a cotton field and telling them they can pick away seems like a shortsighted idea because they don’t understand the gravity of the situation. It’s like buying a three-year-old Jewish kid an Auschwitz conductor hat and laughing as he runs around the house making choo-choo noises.

Kendall on Sharecropping [YouTube]

The idea began with Jim in January of this year. Jim claims the premise is simple with the site’s tagline saying that he’s “just trying to make some cool pancakes for [his daughter].”

I don’t even have kids and I already feel like my kids would be way better off being adopted by Jim than having to deal with my inadequacies. The best I could do is slathering pancake batter onto dinosaur bones I stole from the museum. While there’s a chance they may be delicious, it’s more likely going to just lead to problems and bizarre Flintstones-esque diseases.

We picked out a couple more of our favorites below, but go to Jim’s site immediately to see a whole lot more creative pancake designs.