After watching that, don’t you just want to hold Justin Bieber kiss his head and tell him it’ll be okay make love to a Justin Bieber poster with a hole cut where his mouth is…uh…laugh at him?

Oh no, it appears I’ve used the strikethrough font instead of hitting the delete button! Oh woe is me! Well, I didn’t get where I am by reaching all the way up there for Backspace, I’ll tell you that much.

It seems like that would be a pretty big sign from whatever otherworldly power you believe in that maybe you’re destined to be out of shape forever. In fact, I’d wager that any time an object over 100 pounds falls onto your head, it’s probably a sign that you need to never again do what you just did. Which is precisely why I never pleasure myself in bell tower. Well, after the first ten times.

Skip to about :50 in if you want to ignore the other dreck. My favorite part of the video? How Questlove sees her fall, just stares at her barely helping her up, and looks slightly disappointed that she blew their moment due to a level of coordination befitting a paralyzed hippopotamus.

And to answer the obvious question, this happened this morning, so no, Suki Krishnan falling did not cause the Haiti earthquakes. How insensitive of you, Fictional Person I Use to Make Fun of a Hefty News Anchor without Guilt.

I bet she was totally fine in spite of that fairly violent fall. The reason is that fat people have extra cushioning on their bodies that, while a hindrance in athletic conquests, makes them completely safe in high-impact collisions. But in spite of that fact and clear empirical evidence to back it up, if you suggest to a fat person that they serve as a crashpad for just ONE person leaping off of a building, they never let you live it down. Embrace the gifts God gave you, I say. Not everyone has blood made of Jello.

That is pretty embarrassing, but I think we can all relate at least a little to this guy. Who hasn’t seen a woman naked and hyperventilated? Or maybe when you’re about to satisfy her with your tongue, you start to throw up a little and cry for your mom? I think we’ve all been there! Am I right fellas? No?

Sometimes when I’m with an attractive girl in public I’ll say something like, “Oh no, I think someone drugged my drink” then fake a fall to the ground. Sure nine out of ten times they’ll just walk out, but that one time…I bet they’ll instinctually just hop on top and hump away. Unfortunately I’ve only tried it five times and haven’t had it happen yet. But that’s what the law of averages is for, folks…optimism.

How does one even make a helicopter explode while it’s doing its basic helicopter duties? Like, I get that this guy was fairly incompetent, but it seems like even if you screw up quite a bit with your flying, the helicopter shouldn’t just give up on life and explode into worthless shards. Unless the helicopter was depressed. Kind of like Thomas the Tank Engine…if he were real, he’d probably end up running his own engine while closed up in a garage.

I get that nerves are at an all-time high when you’re performing for a live TV audience which, in China, is probably about 700 trillion people. But that fall was so massive. How could you possibly fall like that? They’d have to grease up the floors or have an army of cloned Peter Norths beating off on the floor to make me slip like that. Was it weird that I named a specific male porn actor there? I’m thinking it is, but I wanted to convey the image of a lot of jizz. Anyway, that would totally not be delicious at all. No sir.

I remember when the rap genre used to be about street cred and how gangsta this guy or this guy was. Now Lil Wayne looks like Whoopi Goldberg after she passed out at a frat party and everyone took turns drawing on her and this dude Drake is prancing around the stage dressed like an Express salesperson. I need an air of danger from my hip hop, like the guy might threaten me with gunfire if I don’t adequately raise the roof. But I don’t get that sense any more. At worst, I feel the lingering threat of these guys vaguely insulting me to friends behind my back or making passive aggressive comments about my career path to me. “Oh, it seems like you’ve finally settled down into middle management. That’s great, I mean not everyone can be CEO, you know?” said Drake. Enjoy your ice cream and physical therapy, friend.

The only sad part is that falling like an escalator might have serious repercussions on that guy’s health. He may never regain function in his legs aga…oh right. Well then. Pride takes a while to heal too, you know.

In related news, binding a child’s arms and making them perform like Keyboard Cat…apparently much less socially acceptable.

UPDATE: I had to add this Keyboard Cat video too because it’s absolutely killing me. Best meme ever.

You have never seen a group of minimum wage stagehands come up to assist a woman faster than when this chick fell. They all sprint over hoping that she’ll be like, “Thanks for picking me up from the ground! I’m prepared to blow you in exchange.” I’m pretty sure some of those guys weren’t even employees, they just came up hoping to cop a feel as she got up. You might think that feeling on a model’s oversized implants to get her off the ground might not be the best way to pull her up but it’s easy to say that when you’re not the one alarmingly bereft of jerking off material. I’ve been jerking off to the same issue of Reader’s Digest where women talk about their breasts swelling from menopause for the last 15 years. Variety is the spice of life.

So my question upon seeing this (and frankly most viral videos) is: Are people really this dumb now? Or were people always this dumb? Like I know kids always hurt themselves and whatever, but is it just that there are cameras omnipresent these days? I don’t know how this would come about and I don’t doubt some guy did this once fresh off the Great Depression, but I’m wondering if these random acts of idiocy are something unique to our current generation or if they’re something just more easily available.

You know, I never thought that gymnastics was easy. Not only do you have to miss periods if you’re a woman and, generally, make yourself into a roided-looking elf regardless of gender, but you’re apparently so superhuman that you can’t even hit a mat the size of an Olympic swimming pool. I guess I can relate. It’s like when I have sex with a woman and, no matter how many condoms I use, I inexplicably end up impregnating a woman. Granted, I don’t exactly “use condoms” or “pull out” and I like to have sex in ways that end up having my partner in a headstand. Oh and I like to spoon back in any semen that falls out. Look, I’m not saying all the preventative measures were taken but that’s no reason to hit me with another paternity suit after I refused to pay out the first one. It’s like, I get it, you’re pregnant, no need to be a bitch about it.