A 22-year-old Danish poker professional won the World Series of Poker early Tuesday, turning a wheel straight on the last hand to become the youngest champion in the history of the no-limit Texas Hold ‘em main event.

Peter Eastgate hit an ace-to-five straight on the turn and instantly called an all-in bet from Ivan Demidov on the river to win the title and $9,152,416. Demidov held two pair, twos and fours.

The previous youngest champion was 11-time gold bracelet winner Phil Hellmuth, who was 24 when he won the tournament in 1989.

“It feels good to beat Phil’s record,” Eastgate said after taking pictures with stacks of $100 bills and his new gold bracelet. “I was not focused on the record that I could break, I was just focused on the game.”

There is no singular money-generating thing that bothers me quite as much as poker. Well, poker and Web sites. Because holy crap does it get annoying to see how every good idea I’ve ever had get turned into a Web site sometime a couple months later. Which is why I’m left with this soupy drek I write every day. If I saw Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg on the street, I would kick him right in the head of his cock.

Anyway so yeah he’s $9 million richer. Whatever, I found a Junior Mint on the floor and I ate it. So we’re pretty even, I’d say.

David Sneath has worked at a Ford Motor Co. parts warehouse for 34 years, but it didn’t take him any time at all to walk out once he discovered he had won a $136 million Mega Millions jackpot.

“I yelled to the boss, ‘I’m out of here,’” Sneath said Thursday after going to state lottery headquarters in downtown Lansing to pick up his first $1 million check.

Sneath, of Livonia in suburban Detroit, said the reality of his win has yet to sink in.

“I still haven’t touched base with Earth yet,” he said. When he saw in a newspaper that he had a winning ticket, “my whole body went numb.”

Sneath plans to buy a cottage on Mullett Lake in northern Michigan and maybe a new fishing boat or two to help him land the walleye he loves to catch. He’s tired of misplacing his glasses and may get laser surgery to correct his vision. And he’ll probably move out of his three-bedroom, two-bath ranch home, although he plans to stay in Michigan.

He’s even considering a return to Eastern Michigan University to finish his bachelor’s degree. He’s eight credits shy of a major in warehousing and a minor in international marketing.

That’s great for him but, I’m not going to lie to you, I wish his body had gone numb because he had a stroke.

I hate other people being happy in ways that would make me happy. In fact, if you’re having sex with an attractive woman right now, I have two things to say: A) Go f yourself. And B) Why would you read my blog while having sex? Wait, I know. Because I’m so arousing. Aw shucks, I’m sorry I wished death upon you. Go ahead, keep on touching her there. I’m rooting for you buddy!