Every week on Guyism, I give a rundown of this week’s most notable bitches. From celebs to reality TV stars to unknown females in your local news, no one’s off limits.

This week we’ve got a billion dollar corporation, a famous blogger, a rock star, and a chick who accidentally dropped her engagement ring in a McDonald’s. Yeah…

Bitch-Enabler of the Week – HTC
HTC announced this week they’re partnering with Verizon to create the “Bliss,” a droid specifically designed for women. Great. Next you’re going to tell me Raytheon is manufacturing missiles aimed to meet the growing needs of terrorists.

Bitches and their cell phones are dangerous enough as it is. The last thing we need is an army of chicks packing personalized calorie counters and social media apps that send them a text every time you update your shit. I understand that women are a big market to tap into, but these corporations need to start taking one for the team and sacrifice a little profit for the greater good. Otherwise when they drop the Bliss IV in five years, it’ll feature live streaming video of your apartment and access to your emails and text messages. George Orwell had it all wrong. Big Sister is watching you.

Honorary Bitch of the Week – Perez Hilton
I’ll be honest: I haven’t really kept up with this clown’s fame-whoring endeavors much. I used to check his blog every now and then back before his “epiphany” that you shouldn’t go through life being mean to people. You know, when it was still funny. Then he got knocked in the face by Will.I.Am and I tuned it out. I’m not really a huge fan of girl-on-girl.

Anyway, I stopped by his abortion of a Web site this week looking for some material, and I find a post about how Scrubs predicted Osama’s hiding place back in 2007. It’s some 10-second clip of the janitor saying Osama was in Pakistan, and he writes “LOLz! Coincidence or some bizarre prophecy?” How about “common knowledge for almost a decade,” you ignorant douche? The fact that you think can you run one of the most visited Web sites on the Internet and not have a basic understanding of anything other than Miley Cyrus’ sideboob is absolutely embarrassing. It also makes you a bitch.

Hypocritical Bitch of the Week – Stevie Nicks
Stevie announced this week that she wouldn’t allow Lindsay Lohan to play her in a biopic until she “cleans up her life.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this the woman that went in to get plastic surgery and had the doctor tell her she had to stop blowing lines if she wanted her nose to remain on her face? You know, the woman who said she dropped more than a milli on booger sugar during the height of her career? Stop trying to save Lindsay’s career, because it’s not gonna work. Pretty sure as soon as you got clean, you also got irrelevant.

Come to think of it, this might be the only role LiLo is actually qualified to play. I personally gave up on her as an actress after The Parent Trap, but a movie where she can blow lines and dudes at the same time might just put her back in my good graces.

Con Artist Bitch of the Week – April Millinger
April claims she dropped her priceless engagement ring in an Oklahoma McDonald’s on Saturday afternoon. I’m gonna go ahead and call bullshit on this one right from the jump. First of all, anyone hitting up the dollar menu on a sober Saturday afternoon in OK city is definitely not rocking a $7,500 ring. Unless Kay Jewelers has stepped up their game in recent years and no one told me.

Secondly, this chick is 30. If you’re as familiar with bitches as I, you know that any broad who gets a ring while rounding the bases on her third decade of life isn’t taking that shit off for anything. She’s uploading entire albums of it to Facebook and coming up with excuses to use her left hand at all times. There’s no way in hell she’s strutting around with it wrapped up in a nondescript plastic baggy in her pocket, accidentally dropping it while she reaches for her Big Mac. Just no way.

I’m thinking someone wanted their engagement in the paper and couldn’t afford the wedding announcements section. Well played, bitch.

Kim Kardashian says she regrets doing Playboy now. “I’m sorry I did Playboy. I was uncomfortable,” Kim tells Harper’s Bazaar in a new interview where she is pretty much naked. She blames her mom for pushing her into it. I can see that. I mean, once the whole world has seen your daughter getting jackhammered by Ray J, what’s the point in being a good mom anymore?

Depending on your tastes this is either very good news or horrific news. I fall on the side of the latter. Chelsea Handler has a sex tape. She says it was meant as a joke. That’s right. A joke. I’m not laughing.

Jason Pfeiffer, a former dermatologist’s assistant and current CEO of a medical company, went public claiming he was Michael Jackson’s boyfriend right up until Jackson’s death. Yeah, and I was dating Lindsay Lohan when she died. What do you mean she isn’t dead yet? Give it time.

Paris Hilton is being sued for $1 million. The investors for the the movie Pledge This! say she didn’t plug the film enough and they want up to $1 million back from her. Investors who put Paris Hilton in a movie are now shocked that a) it bombed and b) Paris didn’t do as asked. Someone please put me in touch with these people as I have some great projects for which I need some funding.

In other skank news, Courtney Love says she had sex with Gwen Stefani’s husband Gavin Rossdale (that’s what I am calling him now since I don’t know if he does music anymore). Oh yeah, she says she did while he was with Gwen. She also claims Gwen knew. Now if you can’t believe Courtney Love, who can you believe?

Brad Pitt thinks Jennifer Aniston is pathetic. Apparently Brad was mad when Jennifer appeared on the March cover of Architectural Digest. “Brad feels this is all so desperate,” says an insider. “It was a ploy to get his attention.” Apparently Brad doesn’t have enough to do these days.

And speaking of smoking hot babes who can’t keep a man, Halle Berry is single again. According to an insider, it was Gabriel who did the breaking up and their 9-year age difference was partially to blame. In other news, WHAT?!!!?!?!!?

Heidi Montag might be addicted to painkillers. According to a medical source, doctors would have prescribed painkillers such as Demerol, Vicodin and Percocet to Heidi after she had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day in November. Is Bodog or BetUS or anyone taking odds on when Heidi does her first strip club gig? Because I want in on that action.

Of course, we can’t have a week without some Lindsay Lohan news, can we? If the latest rants by Lindsay’s dad, Michael Lohan, on Twitter are to be believed LiLo has the HIV. The tweets were removed and Michael denies posting them. He blames Perez Hilton. Naturally.

Oh yeah, Lindsay also managed to get kicked off a film and banned from the club Trousdale within 12 hours of each other. So it’s been a good week for her?

And she’s also probably going to jail. There’s that too.

Whitney Houston’s world tour is going well. Hundreds of people walked out in disgust at her Docklands O2 Arena concert this week. She did manage to stay onstage for the majority of the two-hour show so give her points for that.

And remember how Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz had a little “dispute” the other day? Apparently it was some kind of misunderstanding. At least if you listen to the two of them now. “She is doing nothing,” Jameson’s attorney Ronald Richards told E! News , saying that despite her caught-on-camera vow to press charges, she never had any intention to do so. I’m actually speechless.

Umm, so here’s Lindsay Lohan in the wee hours of the night leaving a party over the weekend. I don’t know if this is the Perez Hilton birthday party that you can see her singing at below or if it was an after party. What I do know is that Lindsay really overdosed on the, umm, baby powder (?) for her feet. Now I know that Lindsay swears she quit drinking (despite falling on her ass the other day), but I guess that is easier to do when you substitute alcohol with, umm, baby powder, right? Man, I sure could go for a Coke… right after I Blow my nose…

In fairness, you can’t really blame Kelly Clarkson for not endorsing violence against anyone. People are probably always trying to tip her over. That’d probably help breed some resentment towards physical hostility.

I’m not particularly unique in this stance, but it’s such a joke that Perez is acting like such a victim here. I’m not saying that everyone who’s ever made a snide comment online deserves to get punched…what many bloggers, including myself, do is an extension of a personality that borders on a character. I don’t think terrible things should happen to everyone, but that’s where some of the humor is derived from. But when you take this “gimmick” of yours, and make no mistake, the Perez Hilton crap is a gimmick, and extend it to real life so much so that you’re yelling the word “faggot” at someone far more successful than you, you need to get punched in the face. That goes beyond comedy and extends into a world of reality. Just because it’s “show business” doesn’t absolve you from real life accountabilty. Especially when it’s coming from a place that’s not even humor…it’s designed to be “shocking” and “controversial.” It’s a joke that crap like this gets so much attention, but hey, if that’s what gets you off, more power to you, I suppose.

So yeah, in summation, f ‘em all. The sissy deserved to get knocked out and Will.I.Am’s manager is kind of a pussy for having to knock out a princess like that in the first place.