If you eat a lot of takeout, one thing that will eventually become a pain in the ass in the dishes. Namely, using one dish when all you want is to set a slice of pizza down on the coffee table for a minute to go get a beer. It’s ]]>

If you eat a lot of takeout, one thing that will eventually become a pain in the ass in the dishes. Namely, using one dish when all you want is to set a slice of pizza down on the coffee table for a minute to go get a beer. It’s a waste and if you don’t have a dishwasher in your place, aggravating.

Well, take heart, fellow bachelors, because somebody has heard your cries! Somebody has…taken a plate and cut it into sixths to sell as “Pizza Plates.”

Wait, what?

It is actually fairly ingenious, when you think about it: a plate sized perfectly for a slice of pizza (or maybe a slice of pie, depending on your junk food proclivities) will save you some washing and it’s definitely something a lot of people can use.

And, considering how much custom flatware and kitchen gadget crap is out there, it’s nice to see a gimmick like this that somebody would actually use. There are only two problems with it: first, it’s ten bucks a slice-plate, and secondly, they only come in packs of four. Come on, guys. Six or eight; give us the whole pizza if you’re demanding double digits for these.

Pizza Plates [Uncommon Goods]

Pizza Heroes is an iPad game in which you assemble virtual pizzas for Domino’s, and if you’re good enough, it just might land you a job at the real thing! Isn’t that awesome? Well, it’s supposed to be, at least. Maybe.

Kotaku has ]]>

Pizza Heroes is an iPad game in which you assemble virtual pizzas for Domino’s, and if you’re good enough, it just might land you a job at the real thing! Isn’t that awesome? Well, it’s supposed to be, at least. Maybe.

Kotaku has the full rundown, including how the game plays, which is exactly what one might except: you’re told what kind of pizza to make, and you try doing so without screwing up.

And that’s apparently hard to do, hence why you’re rewarded with the chance to apply for a legit job if you’re successful in game. Too bad every other single game on the planet doesn’t reward you for being good at it. Life is just cruel like that.

On the upside, yet another bonus is how the pizza you make in game can be produced in the real world. Basically, everything you do is transmitted to your local joint!

I used to date a girl who used to love ordering from them online (yes, a girl who loved in NYC that still died on chain pizza), and apparently you get to do something similar on their website.

Which I wouldn’t know firsthand, since I always ordered from the crazy Italian guy a couple doors down (who should probably be in an old folks home to be honest).

This 7 year-old pizza tosser is far better at his job than any of us. I don’t know how difficult it is to throw dough, but given that I can’t spin a basketball or even a frisbee on my finger, I’m going to guess that I can’t do this. ]]>

This 7 year-old pizza tosser is far better at his job than any of us. I don’t know how difficult it is to throw dough, but given that I can’t spin a basketball or even a frisbee on my finger, I’m going to guess that I can’t do this. As good as he is, I wouldn’t want this kid prepping my pizza. The last thing I need is a bunch of boogers in my dough, and you know you were picking them at that age.

Also, kudos to the woman in the background ensuring that she properly posed for awhile to show off her best asset.

h/t to VVV

Thinking of putting an end to the magic life-giving powers of your semen? If you’re in Cape Cod, now’s the time to do it. Because you can get a free pizza if you use the Urology Associates of Cape Cod! What a deal!

Personally, I base all ]]>

Thinking of putting an end to the magic life-giving powers of your semen? If you’re in Cape Cod, now’s the time to do it. Because you can get a free pizza if you use the Urology Associates of Cape Cod! What a deal!

Personally, I base all of my important medical decisions on the question “Will I be given a free pizza?” That’s why I never got checked out for those concussions the doctors thought I had. No free pizza no diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Looking for a way to make the glorious experience of eating pizza into something that could bring you much pain and sadness? Check out this game called Pizza Roulette.

Leave it to New Zealanders to find a way to make me terrified of the food item a ]]>

Looking for a way to make the glorious experience of eating pizza into something that could bring you much pain and sadness? Check out this game called Pizza Roulette.

Leave it to New Zealanders to find a way to make me terrified of the food item a group of pubescent turtles skilled in the Japanese fighting arts once made me love so. Does New Zealand ever actually help my life? It’s Flight of the Conchords and that’s about it. Step your game up, Kiwitown.

NMA, better known as the folks from Taiwan who regurgitate headlines via their special brand of assembly line CGI, claims that the offspring of Jersey Shore starlet Snooki and the Halo 4 protagonist will face off, according Star magazine, ancient Mayans, or something like that.

It anything, the only ]]>

NMA, better known as the folks from Taiwan who regurgitate headlines via their special brand of assembly line CGI, claims that the offspring of Jersey Shore starlet Snooki and the Halo 4 protagonist will face off, according Star magazine, ancient Mayans, or something like that.

It anything, the only shocking revelation the above provides is how no one on the NMA staff is even remotely familiar with how Master Chief is supposed to look like. It’s like Samus’s far less hotter cousin.

Also, and perhaps this shows how unfamiliar I am with the MTV reality show (gee, sorry about that), but I have no idea what the deal is with the fat guy dressed up as Superman, but with a pizza as an emblem. Or is he in the upcoming Halo sequel? Bungie, you are already sorely missed.

Forget all those other video game documentaries on the horizon, because The Platform Master is the only one you need care about.

A ton of game related documentaries are on the horizon; the one on Minecraft looks pretty nifty, but otherwise, everything else looks rather boring. Like ]]>

Forget all those other video game documentaries on the horizon, because The Platform Master is the only one you need care about.

A ton of game related documentaries are on the horizon; the one on Minecraft looks pretty nifty, but otherwise, everything else looks rather boring. Like the half dozen or so that are centered on the last days of Chinatown Fair and its associated game culture. Maybe I’m spoiled, since I’m so intimately familiar with such subject matter, but none of them seem truly in-depth and feature way too much navel gazing for my tastes, with few hard or honest questions being posed.

I perhaps shouldn’t say anything until I see them, but the fact that many seem virtually indistinguishable doesn’t help. And on a purely esthetic level, I just like documentaries when they are raw, because they simply “feel” more honest, which is hard to pull on fancy HD cameras and MacBook Pros running Final Cut Pro X. Hence why the following looks so appealing.

Besides, what sounds better on paper: watching Street Fighter dorks go at it in some dingy arcade setting, a bunch of hipsters putting together their latest iOS title, or some savant that sports a greasy mullet and enjoys pizza?

The Platform Master is due later this summer. Can’t wait! Until then, feel free to read up on the star of the movie, via Ulillillia’s homepage. There you can order his book, watch livestreams of him playing games, and hear about all the wondering things that fill his mind when he slumbers (“My extensive dream journal with over 750 entries is probably one of the largest online dream journals.”)

Last week we witnessed two girls going for the world record of pizza slaps to the face. Now, the Australian TODAY morning show went for the record with two male anchors. And like my family crest says, “When there’s a video of people being slapped in the face ]]>

Last week we witnessed two girls going for the world record of pizza slaps to the face. Now, the Australian TODAY morning show went for the record with two male anchors. And like my family crest says, “When there’s a video of people being slapped in the face with Italian food, we’ll post it.”

So the first time we discussed the video with the two cute girls doing it, I said that it was clearly mildly arousing to some strange person out there. But I felt like this one was far more entertaining. Mostly because, at times, it looked like any time two guys get into a vaguely physical situation that starts as a joke then can end up as a physically aggressive situation. Around seven seconds in the slaps start getting harder, pizza flies a little more vigorously, we were probably five more seconds of pizza slapping away from a full-on brawl.

Either way, where’s Italy in all this? You’re really going to let all these other countries denigrate one of your prized exports without sending someone up to bat? Get to work, everyone whose last name ends in a vowel.

Whew. I was worried the Apocalypse wasn’t coming for a while there, but Papa John’s has relaxed my nerves with their release of the “Royal Wedding Pizza,” which features Kate Middleton and Prince William as ingredients.

And, no, this is not a spoof.

“Royal Wedding ]]>

Whew. I was worried the Apocalypse wasn’t coming for a while there, but Papa John’s has relaxed my nerves with their release of the “Royal Wedding Pizza,” which features Kate Middleton and Prince William as ingredients.

And, no, this is not a spoof.

“Royal Wedding fever is sweeping the world so we couldn’t resist having some fun and creating our very own pizza portrait of Kate and William to celebrate their forthcoming marriage,” Andrew Varga, Papa’s CMO, said. ”Like our original crust pizza, our royal portrait is made from 100 percent fresh dough and quality ingredients, so it tastes as good as it looks.”

Eh, I don’t know about that, Mr. Varga. For instance, if you draw the slice that is William’s suit, you’re getting like seven folded pepperonis on top of one another. And that’s a bit much.

But it’s entertaining, I guess. (Speaking of which, they’re apparently giving the pizza away — if you live in England, email weddingpizza@papajohns.co.uk and see if you can score this puppy.)

For those that are curious, here’s my breakdown (please feel free to make fun of me in the comments should I mess up a topping call) of the toppings: skin is turkey (right?), Kate’s hair is made of olives, her veil is made of mushrooms, her boobs dress is made of garlic cheese (per the press release), William’s suit is made of pepperoni and salami and peppers, and the background is made of jalapenos and peppers.

To celebrate an occasion that no one’s sick of, obviously.

Pizza Fit for a Queen – [The Hairpin]

Via Sharebro Trey Kerbz

These days, children’s TV doesn’t take many chances. Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named “Map”. But it hasn’t always been that way. Check out these shows and some of the ]]>

These days, children’s TV doesn’t take many chances. Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named “Map”. But it hasn’t always been that way. Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises they were based on.

9 Fraggle Rock
Aired: HBO, 1983-87
Cult interests: Elaborate musical performances, living like Al Qaeda

The Fraggles were an odd group, held together by a dreamy, guitar-playing leader named Gobo. He was usually pretty even-tempered, presumably excluding the times he played Wonderwall for Fragglegals Red and Mokey in an effort to coerce them into “dream sharing” together (you see, Fraggles could share a common dream by laying together with heads touching as they go to sleep). And they were a cohesive unit, other than Wembley, the “out there” Fraggle. In this clip, he’s daring to fly.

Look at the way the Fraggles seem disgusted by how Wembley dares to be different or unconventional. So dismissive they are. Then again, when your cultish cohesion leads to beautifully performed numbers like the Fraggle Rock theme, I guess that’s a sacrifice you can afford to make.

8 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Aired: Syndicated/CBS, 1987-1996
Cult interests: Weapons training, cross-promotional ventures on everything from bath bubbles to pies with green goo in them

A group of immature, driftless mutant turtles are held together by two things: the rigid structure of martial arts and Splinter, their mutant rat father figure (who was basically just a random dude with no real relevance to their lives). Even their theme has an odd brainwashed type of repetition to it.

Donatello could have been a great scientist. Leonardo could have been the first Turtle-American nominee for President. Raphael could have been a famous personality. Michaelangelo… was kind of a retard, but he’d have figured it out. They all could have done great things, but instead they were living in a sewer, eating pizza with weird crap like peanut butter and polar bear entrails on it, being forced basically into slave heroism, and hoping that April O’Neil would through them a pity boning.

On the plus side, Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince was the voice of Shredder in the original cartoon. Man, you learn all kinds of crazy things on the Internet.

7 Power Rangers
Aired: FOX, ABC, Disney, ABC Family, Disney again, Nickelodeon… 1993-wow this thing is still going
Cult interests: Robots saying “ay yay yay”, bad voice dubbing

This is an odd one because, of all these shows on the list, the kids who made up the original Power Rangers were the most normal. They were good looking, athletic, charismatic, intelligent. But the siren song of controlling giant robots and listening to a talking floating head and his robot domestic partner was too much of a lure to keep these kids on the straight and narrow. He’s all floaty. Dreamlike. Who wouldn’t be sucked into that? Plus I’d get to learn kickass martial arts and drive around a badass robot (or a frog if you’re the black dude). Huh, you know, other than the always being on call and constantly having to explain to your parents why you smell like sparks and over-sized monster, seems like a sweet deal. You have to wonder though what the Rangers’ Angel Grove was like before all this. Were the monsters just integrated in society? What was Zordon up to? I’m going to guess a lot of daytime TV.

6 Captain Planet
Aired: TBS, 1990-96
Cult interests: Being green, multicultural “love-ins”

The lives of five seemingly incredibly different kids are brought together by one purpose, to serve a mulleted blue guy and some wacky fairy lady who only appears to them in visions. The show breeds contempt for society in the form of the constant attacks on industrialism (“Stop polluting, wah wah,” said Captain Planet while putting on his Maxi pad) and regularly has characters coming across some bizarre hallucinations, including a race of mouse people with odd sideburns.

The Planeteers are unified by the powers granted to them as a result of their symbiotic relationship. There’s no independence. In fact, in every episode one of the characters gets frustrated with being a part of this little multicultural creep factory, they end up getting into massive problems and have to beg their way back into the group. But Captain Planet probably isn’t the cult leader. He’s just a pawn for that invisible sex pot Gaia. Come on, what cult is kept together by love of the planet alone?

5 Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Aired: Nickelodeon, 1990-2000
Cult interests: Avoiding reality, buying new underpants

What do you do when you’re a child who doesn’t quite fit in? You seek a familial bond that you can’t find at home or at school. Such is the case of the Midnight Society, a group of pubescent kids who go into a forest every weekend and DON’T drink or hook up. While that might be better than the alternative theoretically, it’s pretty unhealthy.

These kids don’t really have anything common. They’re not pals. The only reason they stick together is because they terrify each other, gripping irrationally to absurd situations as a means of escaping their tortured reality of abusive families and torturous exclusion.

Except for Elisha Cuthbert, who appeared at the end of the show’s run. She was cool. She was probably just a spy for the government checking in on these freaks to see what’s up. Don’t lump her in with these other wads.

4 The Smurfs
Aired: Syndicated, 1981-89
Cult interests: Etymology, Vladimir Lenin

The Smurfs were all dressed the same with slight personality differences and every episode was based around the fundamental principle of one Smurf failing at life, turning to Papa Smurf for advice, and everything being okay. Papa Smurf ruled these Smurfs with an iron thumb. The comparisons of the Smurfs to communism have been made multiple times, but what about the comparisons of Papa Smurf to Jim Jones. He has his own little agricultural community, he had a power over all those that followed him, he was the one with the distinguishable outfit. But that would make Gargamel like Leo Ryan. And I don’t think that Leo Ryan wanted to eat the Jonestown inhabitants in a delicious Jones pie, though I guess I could be wrong.

3 Snorks
Aired: NBC, 1984-86
Cult interests: Saving money on scuba equipment, sucking

The Snorks was basically a bootleg version of the Smurfs in every way. And if Papa Smurf was the Jim Jones of cartoon cult leaders, Snork “leader” Allstar Seaworthy was the Marshall Applewhite. Only, unlike Papa Smurf, Allstar was out there trying to bed every Snork with an open Snorkhole. And, judging by this episode in which Allstar is trying to date two girls at once, there were a lot of open Snorkholes to be found.

You couldn’t go three minutes into any episode of the Snorks before you got sick of hearing the word Snork in every sentence. It wasn’t even like it was a verbal crutch or a language tool like with the Smurfs. They just tacked “snork” onto everything. Snorkball, the movie Snorkbusters, snorkplans, third snorkmester snorkbortions, ugh. I get it. It’s just so much less charming. It probably doesn’t help that they all seem to have pompous names; Wellington Wetworth, Samantha Waters, Allstar Seaworthy… it’s like Gossip Girl with little colorful people.

2 Powerpuff Girls
Aired: Cartoon Network, 1998-2005
Cult interests: Keeping diaries, Sarah Palin

They’re kind of adorable. And they’re empowering for girls. And their “dad” is kind of a boob who they run circles around, so maybe he’s not exactly David Koresh, but come on! They were made in a lab solely to fight battles for Professor Utonium. He’s too weak to control others so he just mixed some crap up in a blender and POW: Superhuman little adorable anime girls. Just like real life.

Also, totally unrelated, but WTF was up with their main adversary being a superintelligent monkey? Granted I’ve only seen the show here or there with my little cousins (regardless of the Powerpuff Girls’ ubiquitous presence on my comforter), but while I can suspend disbelief enough to buy girls being created in a lab by a scientist NOT for the purpose of sex (Weird Science was a documentary), the monkey thing… bit much.

1 Teletubbies
Aired: PBS, 1997-2001
Cult interests: Staring contests, hanging out in meadows

Just look at them, in the same outfits with different colors with the same lobotomized stares and inability to articulate themselves. The Teletubbies, to put it lightly, “aren’t all there.” The show wasn’t without its scrutiny, what with Tinky Winky being accused of being a twinky… winky. But it’s just weird to watch. Like they’re all lobotomized and with their stupid names and odd voices and kind of unhinged yet overly calm demeanors, it’s just all kind of disconcerting.

Good thing they couldn’t really form sentences, otherwise the dialogue might have featured Po going, “That doesn’t feel like a hand, Tinky Winky. Feels more like a finger! But it’s all swollen! Did you jam your finger? Oh… oh no. Oh no.” Anyway, these monstrosities against humanity had weird names probably bestowed upon them by some “higher power”… my guess: the creepy narrator throwing his voice. Listen to the way he talks. He knows what they’re doing a little too well if you ask me.

No, no, no. Not like you’re thinking. In fact, ordering pizza — especially Domino’s, ugh — once a day will kill you eventually. But for Jean Wilson, her addiction to shoddy ‘za saved her life.

LITERALLY.

See, Wilson called in an order for Domino’s every single ]]>

No, no, no. Not like you’re thinking. In fact, ordering pizza — especially Domino’s, ugh — once a day will kill you eventually. But for Jean Wilson, her addiction to shoddy ‘za saved her life.

LITERALLY.

See, Wilson called in an order for Domino’s every single day for the past three years. She became so regular that the pizza delivery people at her local Domino’s prepped her one large pepperoni pizza every single day before she even called.

So one of her regular pizza people, Susan Guy, became a little alarmed when she came into work and Wilson hadn’t rung up the store in a day or so.

“She hadn’t called in three days,” Guy said. “My boss told me about it today.”

Guy told her boss she was rolling out to Wilson’s house to investigate the matter, and after talking to some neighbors, decided to call 911.

The cops showed up, kicked down the door to Wilson’s house and found her lying on the floor. Now she’s in the hospital, in non-critical condition, and according to WMC-TV “investigators said it’s possible her pizza-only diet may have saved her life.”

But, again, NOT BECAUSE DOMINO’S IS HEALTHY OR GOOD IN ANY CONCEIVABLE WAY. It’s because her addiction to little slices of fake pig buttcheeks meant that when she didn’t order a large pepperoni, someone noticed.

That’s not healthy, that’s luck of the freaking draw. I mean, all credit due to Guy for being a good samaritan and all, but you know how this is going to turn out, right?

Oh you don’t? Well, let me tell you: those smarmy goobers on the Domino’s ads are going to make a big show out of this, convince a woman who nearly died to sign an endorsement deal, offer her a lifetime of free pizza and then exploit the living hell out of her en route to another miserable advertising campaign.

Yes, I do think it’s the most indefensible thing in the entire world that Domino’s bases their current ad campaign on the fact that “our product TOTALLY sucked for like 15 years, sooooo sorry about that, but NOW we’re gonna do it up right!” Why do you ask?

Super Bowl Sunday is a sacred holiday. A holiday that you should treat with the utmost respect, especially when it comes to what you put into your belly.

So take a look at our list of some of the best snacks you can feast on during the big ]]>

Super Bowl Sunday is a sacred holiday. A holiday that you should treat with the utmost respect, especially when it comes to what you put into your belly.

So take a look at our list of some of the best snacks you can feast on during the big game.

1 Wisconsin Bratwurst

How could you have a game between the Packers and the Steelers and not have a good ‘ol brat from Wisconsin? It’s a staple of almost every tailgate a true Cheesehead has. So this year skip out on the hot dogs and fire up some juicy beer brats. Just remember, a true Wisconsin brat is not boiled. You can prepare it by boiling it in beer or water, but it must be finished off in a pan or of course, the recommended method, on the grill.

2 Pittsburgh’s Primanti Brothers Sandwich

Yet another ode to one of the teams playing in Super Bowl XLV is the very famous Primanti Brothers sandwich. The chain of shops founded in 1933 is sprawled all across Pittsburgh. The sandwich itself consists of Italian bread, provolone cheese, vinger-based coleslaw, tomatoes, some kind of meat (usually ham), and of course topped off with greasy french fries. Yea, it’s a little different from your normal run of the mill sandwich, but it’s something to spice up your Super Bowl party this year.

3 5-Alarm Chili

Since your digestive system will more than likely be in shambles Sunday night, you might as well hit it with some meaty goodness in the form of chili. And not normal kind of chili–the hottest, spiciest, 5-alarm surprise you can find. Pack your crock pot early in the day with every hot pepper imaginable, throw in some pork shoulder and sausage and give that thing 10 hours to simmer before indulging. The only downfall? You may have a rough Monday morning on the toilet.

4 Real Buffalo Wings

No Super Bowl experience is complete without a dozen or so buffalo wings. Check that–no sporting event is complete without them. And while many prefer to deep fry those suckers, I prefer the Buffalo Anchor Bar method of baking it. Oil, salt, flour, vinegar, cayenne, garlic, Worcestershire, and Frank’s Red Hot. That’s it. After cooking for about 25 minutes, throw it into your vat of marinade and voila, the best chicken wings imaginable.

5 7-Layer Dip

As an avid nachos eater, I’ve gone back and forth over the years on the pros and cons of dips vs. the aforementioned nachos. But in the end, a dip is like making your own nachos, especially when it’s the 7-layer variety. Beef, beans, cheese, guacamole, salsa, tomatoes, olives, sour cream and green onions. Bada bing, bada boom, you have something that you can snack on for the entirety of the game.

6 Italian Pizza

All that stuff we mentioned before, yea, those are just appetizers as you moisten your palette for the ultimate Super Bowl food–pizza. Some people are advocates of making your own. I, on the other hand believe everything leading up to the pizza should be homemade. But the pizza itself, nah, leave it to the experts. And no, I don’t mind Dominos, Hungry Howies or Little Caesars. I’m talking real pie from an Italian place that takes time and effort into every dough, every sauce and every meat and cheese that piles that wonderful goodness.

Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.

11 Swimming in a pool of gold coins Sure, ]]>

Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.

11 Swimming in a pool of gold coins

You know what’d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins? It wouldn’t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir. You’d probably be paralyzed at best. Or dead at worst. No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly… that’s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jell-o.

10 Abandoning your children

As much as I’d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they’d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one. In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, “Welp my little ethnic child, here’s a singing map and a bag full of crap… go explore!” How the f do they even know that she’ll eat? All I’m saying is that, if I had any say, I’d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.

9 Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious

The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn’t the best thing either. Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them. Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated four minutes ago?

8 Sleeping in a haunted house with a talking dog

7 Cross-dressing to seduce your enemies

I hate to break it to Bugs, but he’s also not that hot of a chick. And he’s a different species than most of the people he tried to seduce. I admire his courage but the execution leaves something to be desired.

6 Picking an appropriate partner

Now Popeye’s no looker, so it’s not a huge deal that Olive Oyl is completely anorexic and kind of ugly, in fact. But the real problem is that she’s always flirting with Bluto, pretending like he’s so big and bad, but then being nice to him. No wonder Bluto drags her around like a caveman, she’s just so caught up in playing a victim and getting attention. Meanwhile Popeye has to bust his ass and load up fully on performance enhancing drugs just to protect her from herself. He’d have been better off trying to date Wimpy. At least there’d be hamburgers involved.

5 Painting a hole in a wall and running through

It’s sort of like the movie Weird Science. Yeah, it was great and all when she first came to life, but then you have to listen to her nagging you about taking out the trash or starting a 529 plan for when you have kids and it’s just like, “Dammit, I’m too talented for my own good.”

4 Putting together a band with an animal and traveling the globe

On the plus side, after hearing Jabberjaw prattle on about completely idiotic things, you’ll prefer the relatively quiet hum of a shark eating your innards to watching 10 minutes of that show.

3 Letting a cat babysit your kids

Also, has the mother in the house ever heard of an exterminator? Jerry is freaking running the place, eating cheese all the time. He’s probably crapping all over the place too. All I’m saying is that the mother in this place might not be the best example of how to raise a family.

2 Running off of a cliff

And then he gets to dust himself off and get back in the game. Only to lose again. And again. And again. In fact, I bet that time floating in midair hanging off the cliff is one of the few peaceful moments in his life. Like standing in the eye of the hurricane. Or realizing that you forgot a condom when sleeping with that stripper.

1 Approaching and understanding shotguns

Also, changing a sign to say that it is not Rabbit Season when, in fact, it is will not change the laws and guidelines defined by local and federal governments. You Commie, you.

Too many companies get too cute with their viral ads (I’m looking at you, handsome Old Spice gentleman). So here’s a tip, ad people: Get back to basics. Like this…a video of a guy holding a sign on the side of the road for Little Caesar’s.

You can call ]]>

Too many companies get too cute with their viral ads (I’m looking at you, handsome Old Spice gentleman). So here’s a tip, ad people: Get back to basics. Like this…a video of a guy holding a sign on the side of the road for Little Caesar’s.

You can call this guy a minimum wage employee and mock him for his enthusiasm, but let it never be said that the man isn’t enjoying his job with a zest many of us wish we had for our chosen careers.

Plus he probably gets free breadsticks. Can’t knock that. Because if you’re lacking joy in your life, nothing will make things better faster than dipping stale bread into mediocre marinara sauce IN STICK FORM!!!!

The most badass minimum wage employee… EVER. [Reddit]

Everyone always dreams of having sex with a hot pizza delivery girl while eating delicious pizza. This guy didn’t achieve that, but he did get to show the pizza delivery girl his dong multiple times. So many times that the cops had to be called. I think you call that ]]>

Everyone always dreams of having sex with a hot pizza delivery girl while eating delicious pizza. This guy didn’t achieve that, but he did get to show the pizza delivery girl his dong multiple times. So many times that the cops had to be called. I think you call that a moral victory.

A female pizza delivery worker got more than she bargained for on multiple occasions when she went to deliver food and was met at the door by a man wearing no pants.

Portsmouth Police Lt. Rodney McQuate said the woman delivering the pizza notified police of the man’s actions after it took place four different times.

“She would go to the address and the guy comes to the door wearing no pants,” McQuate said.

The lieutenant said the man would be completely naked from the waist down.

“We went and talked to the guy and they aren’t getting any more pizza delivered there,” McQuate said.

[Fosters]

Katy Perry is a long-time favorite here but this photo she posted on Twitter is, well, confusing.

I like pizza. I also love nude Katy Perry. I even like room service in my hotel room. But this photo just kind ]]>

Katy Perry is a long-time favorite here but this photo she posted on Twitter is, well, confusing.

I like pizza. I also love nude Katy Perry. I even like room service in my hotel room. But this photo just kind of freaks me out. It’s kind of hedonistic, but it’s not because the pizza looks terrible and the bathtub looks about as luxurious as getting a sensual massage from a tiger.

If Katy Perry wants to make an object of herself on Twitter, then that’s fine. But what about the poor pizza? It doesn’t know any better, yet here it is naked as the day it was baked on the Internet for the world to see. What if the pizza’s family sees this photo? Katy Perry, you’re just a selfish woman. Whom I’d like to motorboat. It won’t fix your thoughtless ways, but it will help jumpstart the healing process.

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In a scenario straight out of a mediocre movie starring Kristen Bell as a woman in over her head with a scary man, some Atlanta woman got abducted by a guy she knew at work, only to be rescued by a pizza man.

A Snellville man ]]>

In a scenario straight out of a mediocre movie starring Kristen Bell as a woman in over her head with a scary man, some Atlanta woman got abducted by a guy she knew at work, only to be rescued by a pizza man.

A Snellville man was arrested on suspicion of abducting an Atlanta woman and driving her to Sevier County, Tenn., where the alleged victim told authorities she was raped.

Sevier County Sheriff Ron Seals said 46-year-old David Jansen abducted the 24-year-old woman while she was jogging in her Atlanta neighborhood on Tuesday.

Seals said Jansen tied the victim to the seat of a rental car and drove her across state lines to a rental cabin in a remote area.

Authorities said when Jansen ordered a pizza at the cabin, deliveryman Chris Turner saw the victim lying on a couch bound by ropes.

The victim mouthed to the deliveryman to call 911. Turner left and alerted authorities to what he had witnessed.

I think Pizza Hut just found its newest ad campaign! Who wouldn’t order a pizza if were delivered by a team of rape-stopping superheroes? You’d pretty much have to be Hitler or lactose intolerant to justify that (they’re pretty much equivalent).

Ironically, I went to deliver a rape to someone and instead found a woman bound and forced to eat pizza. Small world!

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By now you have to have seen the video of two Domino’s employees doing all sorts of awful things to food. And apparently, those two have now been arrested. So Domino’s has issued an apology that kind of made me laugh and I’m not ]]>

By now you have to have seen the video of two Domino’s employees doing all sorts of awful things to food. And apparently, those two have now been arrested. So Domino’s has issued an apology that kind of made me laugh and I’m not sure why.

I know you’re the President and this is your business and whatever. But it seems kind of silly to get so worked up over the “hard work” of 125,000 people who…are making magical combinations of bread, cheese, and sauce and ultimately contributing to the fatlaziness of millions of Americans each day like they’re out curing cancer or ending world hunger. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheesy bread as much as the next guy, but if my passion in life were teenage assholes and their Heatwave bags, I’d probably want to stab myself in the eye with a breadstick.

Also what if I ordered farts on my salami or boogers on my cheese? Where am I supposed to get my contaminated deliciousness now? Not Domino’s, apparently. So I guess this is where my highly successful run of pizza fetish videos meets its untimely end.

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People working in fast food restaurants are pretty much the scourge of the Earth, regardless of what those McDonald’s training videos tell you. For further proof, take a look at this lovely video of Domino’s employees making Domino’s new HOT BAKED SANDWICHES!

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Domino’s is an occasional advertiser on ]]>

People working in fast food restaurants are pretty much the scourge of the Earth, regardless of what those McDonald’s training videos tell you. For further proof, take a look at this lovely video of Domino’s employees making Domino’s new HOT BAKED SANDWICHES!

Domino’s is an occasional advertiser on this site but, as a respectable journalist, I have to present the news to you in a timely fashion (usually coupled with a date rape or bigoted joke, just like CNN). This is pretty heinous and, if this is what they’re filming, I’m imagining that a Mediterranean sandwich full of pubes or a honey ham sandwich that literally got gangbanged isn’t too far behind off-camera. It takes a special kind of idiot to do these things to innocent people’s food just because you’re not smart enough to do something else with your life. Unless this somehow makes the sandwich more delicious, in which case, I’m not entirely sure why my food always tastes so bad.

On the other hand, it sounds like this is the South. It might be a delicacy to have someone farting on your salami. Who knows? When it’s socially acceptable to read Tori Spelling’s autobiography, I’m pretty sure anything goes.

UPDATE: Apparently there are even more videos of these idiots doing crap to Domino’s food. Some more added after the jump.

There are three others over at LiveLeak (aren’t embeddable for some reason but click on the menu on the top right).

I mentioned this recently but it bears repeating…people have this sort of wistful look at the 80s like it was good. All it really gave us was AIDS and Muppets. For example, check out this awful scene from the movie Teen Witch.

It really brings to mind that being ]]>

I mentioned this recently but it bears repeating…people have this sort of wistful look at the 80s like it was good. All it really gave us was AIDS and Muppets. For example, check out this awful scene from the movie Teen Witch.

It really brings to mind that being “cool” is totally a subjective thing. While anyone watching this would think, “Wow, what a douche,” this poor little retarded girl not only wants to f him, but also be like him. So does that make him cool, that this one girl is so infatuated with what he has to offer, in spite of himself? The answer: No. This little retarded girl would clearly f a guy in a Chuck E. Cheese costume if he had a boombox and a flat-top wig on. Not that we all wouldn’t, mind you, I’m just saying. Something about a rat that reminds you of Kid and/or Play who can also provide you with free pizza is a real aphrodisiac.