So Kotaku got first dibs on the trailer. Color us jealous…

I guess it looks okay? By parody porn standards, naturally. Kotaku also got a hold of the scrip and seems very much impressed by what they saw. Stuff like…

LARA

It seems like you could have told me that over the phone.

LARSON

Yes. But I wanted to bring you this.

(He hands the Lara the bag and she opens it to find a great deal of money)

LARA

That’s a great deal of money for a job I haven’t even agreed to take yet.

LARSON

I am hoping that this is just the beginning of long and mutually beneficial relationship.

LARA

Well then. I guess this just might work out.

LARSON

Well let’s shake on it.

LARA

I don’t know if it’s the air or possibly jet lag, but I was hoping for more than a handshake.

(The two celebrate their new relationship)

Eh, whatever. Sorry, but I think saying that they put a “surprising” among of work into the thing above is giving them a little too much credit. Especially when stacked with the mountain of video game parodies that everyday folks come up with, for their YouTube send-ups. And if there’s one thing I know about the porn industry is how there’s a LOT of money to be played around with.

Also, “The Ultimate Parody of The Ultimate Video Game” tagline rings a bit hallow. Hey, I appreciate the need to hype, but Tomb Raider is hardly the hottest property anymore, nor the most tried and tested. In the case of the later, that might have to be Super Mario Bros, and wouldn’t you know, here’s something somewhat similar that I have randomly stumbled across.

Aside from it not having any intercourse, trumps the real deal…

Man, if actual porn had girls as cute, I’d be blowing every single cent on such stuff (especially the girl as Toadette; I am SO in love). Bonus points for it being from the same folks behind the interactive Luigi’s Mansion that I was so hot for a little whiles ago.

It’s a scientific fact that all porn stars want to crossover into the mainstream and be legitimate actresses. There’s probably even a hypothesis about it or something. What is a porn star really? Just a girl who went to the big city to follow her dreams of being a famous Hollywood star only to have her hopes go awry until she’s forced into having sex for a living.

(I know I’m playing in to stereotypes here, but whatever, man. Whatever.)

And since the only thing better watching porn stars put things in their mouths is listening to the things that come out of their mouths, I thought I’d put their mouths where they wish their money was and see what happens.

Hugo

Midnight In Paris

The Descendants

The Artist

The Help

Tree of Life

War Horse

Moneyball

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Last month, Exquisite Films, which makes all manner of parody porn, announced that one tapping into Tomb Raider was in production. They even invited journalists to check out the set of Tomb Raider XXX: An Exquisite Films Parody, and if I was situated in Van Nuys, California, perhaps I might have stopped by. Perhaps.

Anyhow, stills from the movie have just been released. Crave Online got the exclusive first dibs; here’s the best of the bunch, if you can call them that…

Here we have faux-Laura Croft in action. I’m surprised that they chose to take an image that clearly exhibits how the actress has none of the comfort level (nor any qualities, really) that are required for such a role. Or perhaps this is simply the best pic they had handy, or perhaps maybe no one involved cares enough to even consider such things…

Here we have Laura with some dude in a hotel room, haggling over money. Either he wants to buy a precious piece of treasure or just wants to pay to have sex with her. Gee, I wonder which it could be…

And here we have Laura killing the dude whom she just had sex with…

I’m not super familiar with the franchise, but I can’t recall Laura ever fighting with some chick in white tights and black-feathered wings. But I have a strong feeling that parody porns don’t stick to the subject material all that much. $20 also says that the woman playing Laura is not British…

For those further curious of Exquisite Films’ abilities, here’s a trailer to a flick that’s already in the can. It’s not game related per say, but many of the stars have appeared in video games (their non porn star equivalents at least)…

See the image above? It, along with others from the same photo shoot, have been floating around for years. And after all this time, very few have bothered to actually wonder what it was for exactly. For a time, I remember some flash in the pan websites claiming that it was to build attention for their new gaming or men’s lifestyle portal, but that’s mostly definitely false. Well, turns out, it was for a porn called Super Hornio Brothers. And it’s very hard to find.

According to Gameranx, someone at the Something Awful forums tried finding a copy, but to no avail, so he called upon the assistance of his fellow SA goons. Eventually they came across a VHS tape, but for the hefty price of $300. The reason was soon made clear: the rights to both Super Hornio Brothers1 & 2 (there was so much content that it’s just one movie, split in two) were purchased by Nintendo, for obvious reasons. They ceased production of the tapes, though a few copies apparently found themselves in the wild.

Eventually, an “anonymous benefactor” provided the funds necessary to watch the fabled skin flick, and the verdict is: it kinda blows. Highlights include Luigi nailing the Princess, Jeremy as Mario screwing a huge spider lady (no one can seem to figure that part out), and fellow porn luminary Buck Adams as King Koopa. Here’s clips, minus the sex scenes (sorry, or perhaps that’s for the best?)…

According to the proposal, any adult film would need to use condoms for any sex scenes in order to receive a permit from the city.

Adult film companies might also find themselves charged additional fees to ensure that an inspector is on set to make sure their films comply with the condoms-required ruling.

Los Angeles City Attorney Carmen Trutanich is one of the lone voices against the proposition, filing a lawsuit that calls the proposal a “needless and wasteful expenditure of public resources made in connection with a measure which the voters have no power to adopt.”

Safety in your sex life is important, don’t get me wrong. But this does seem kind of ridiculous. When you watch the new Mission: Impossible, do you need to see someone behind Tom Cruise tethering him to a harness? No. You just assume that there are professionals dedicated to ensuring the actor won’t fall to his death in front of your eyes. The same applies here.

What’s next in porn? Requiring meaningful and loving connections between characters? Perhaps making sure the actors are married prior to filming a scene? Sounds like a slope more slippery than a thousand condomless money shots.

Adult Film Condom Proposal Qualifies for June Ballot [NBC Los Angeles]

Any fans of the Yakuza series out there? You basically play the role of a tough as nails, but with the heart of gold Japanese tough guy, who wants only to live a peaceful existence, but keeps getting dragged back into the criminal underworld. There’s been four primary entries, along with a PSP side story that never made it out here, along with another PS3 spin off that took place during feudal times.

Well, here’s another, but this one takes the mainstays from the regular games and tosses zombies into the mix…

Many were shocked that it even came out in Japan, myself included. Just a few days before it’s original release date was the earthquake and tsunamis, which understandably led to a delay, but many wondered if it would come out at all due to its depictions of society being ravaged by a catastrophe.

But much like how folks in NYC were still fond of that Spider-Man trailer in which he used the Twin Towers to create a huge web to capture a helicopter, post 9/11, and were thus pissed that it was taken out of the DVD release, Like a Dragon Of the End (the Japanese title of Yakuza is Like a Dragon, btw) was eventually released and life went on.

BTW, the fifth proper installment is in the works, and as they do with each one, the game’s makers are holding a beauty contest to find women to turn into the ladies that populate its virtual hostess clubs. Here’s the promotional clip for latest search, which is spanning five different cities across Japan…

Here are the contest details, in case you interested. Please note that you have to be a Japanese woman whose 18 or up. That’s gotta be at least a couple hundred of you readers, right? BTW, here’s a shot of all winners from part 4…

That guy in the throne, with the really deep tan. He makes the games, btw. And yes, he’s a total bad ass. The image is also from this Andriasang post, which talks about how one of the gals ended up in a porn. Once again, Yakuza is a man’s man game as it gets!

First, not too long ago, Dutch porn star Kim Holland was invited to some Modern Warfare 3 VIP party in Amsterdam, something she was quite happy about, since she too is an avid gamer, much like many of her contemporaries. But once Activision got wind of what she does for a living, she was immediately uninvited.

Well, that’s pretty lame. Here’s her response, via her blog, as reinterpreted via by Google Translate, and courtesy of Kotaku: “Unpleasant announcement. The American publisher of Modern Warfare 3 has indicated that they prefer no representatives of the adult entertainment industry at the party. And so there must be some women in Britain and the Netherlands who are also canceled. I know, a little hypocritical, but the U.S. is the U.S. and I’m just the messenger.”

She’s quite upset, and for good reason. As she also states, it’s kinda messed up in which folks whose primary form of entertainment is allowing the vicarious enjoyment of blowing people up is opposed to others who offer sexual relief. BTW, it’s worth noting that exact party that gave Holland the snub was a Dutch video game program called Gamekings, who we last saw interviewing the folks behind the fake Slavery: The Game commercial.

So they’re hip to featuring somewhat shameless viral marketing, but not some poor gal who simply wants to make horny dudes happy. What a world we live in. Though on a semi-related, guess who isn’t a fan? Why, Ralph Baer, widely regarded as “The Father of Video Games” (for a rundown of the man’s accomplishments, Wikipedia can help fill in the blanks).

In a recent interview that Tiny Cartridge picked up on: “I think it’s a disgrace… What I created got abominated. You can see the same thing in music, literature, art — any form of art.”

Hey, I respect the man and all that he’s done; without his accomplishments, it’s hard to say if we’d be enjoying video games the way we do now. That being said, it’s always depressing whenever an innovator is woefully out of touch with the world he helped to pioneer.

Next: given how popular the franchise is, it’s hardly a shocker to know that people are creating Call of Duty fan art. But via salt? That’s kinda different! Via GoNintendo…

Though it would seem as if the artist is a fan of Modern Warfare 3‘s primary competition as well…

Finally, was actually going to update my previous post, but since it’s also relevant to the subject at hand, here are the locations of every piece of intel found throughout the game…

For some reason, I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole concept. Do they dress up as their favorite characters when getting down and dirty? Are they having sex while they play games? That I would pay money to see!

Okay, that I would try to go through the trouble of finding a BitTorrent of to see. At the very least, some of them (which includes Misti Dawn from the aforementioned site, funny enough) appear to be legit about their affinity of gaming…

… BTW, a quick check of the associated YouTube channel brought up this Star Trek: The Next Generation parody…

… Call me insane, but I sorta want to see this? Sorry, but I’m a pretty big Star Trek fan and I’m shocked by straight it’s being played. I had no idea the world of parody porn has advanced so much in recent years!

IGN was the first to break word PwnedbyGirls.com last Friday, the brainchild of Alana “Superpinkninja” Evans and Misti “MeowMistiDawn” Dawn (those nicknames are their XBLA handles apparently). And news of the site… no doubt due to their tagline, “Time to pwn some n00000bs with our b00bs”… began to spread like wildfire.

Though apparently, it was MSNBC‘s mention that put them over the top, in form of 1.4 million unique visitors during their first 24 hours (it launched on Tuesday). Something that they’re quite proud of, according to an interview in with XBIX, a leading online industry porn site. Despite the fact that the MSNBC author was rather head shaking in her write up… can’t honestly blame her to be honest.

The site itself is rather confusing, and even after pouring through the entire thing, I still don’t get it. First off, there’s no actual porn. I was expecting some kind of gallery at least, but nothing. Nor is there any pop-up that asks for my credit card info before venturing further. So strange.

A full-fledged resource for gamers has been promised, including news updates and game reviews. But thus far, there’s only a few to be found. Again, it’s fairly straightforward, no gratuitous use of tits. Rather shocking and confusing.

Actually, for the Gears of War 3 launch (hence why they went live on Tuesday), they played the game live, with no tops on (okay, here we go) and the whole thing was streamed. Unfortunately, there’s no archival footage of this happening (huh?). I believe there’s been one other play session thus far; here’s a pic from their Facebook page…

At least we have their next big guest star porn star video gamer, and quite the headlines grabber no less; some might recall Joslyn James being the adult video star that Tiger Woods had an affair with. Well, they’re going to have her play her ex lover boy’s latest game, PGA Tour 12 on October 5th, 4-7PM PST. Gotta admit, just the thought alone is HILARIOUS.

BTW, I find the convergence of porn and video games pretty amusing. Never-mind how video games has offered horny gamers a certain kind of sexual release for many years already (Ivy from Soul Calubur 1 for the Dreamcast’s subtle ass jiggling physics is something that doesn’t get nearly the amount of acknowledgment it deserves).

But when it comes to naked girls IRL horsing around with video games, it’s totally fine in my book, so long as it’s legit. Alana Evans is pretty adamant about being a real deal, hardcore gamer, but her bio seems to betray this claim. Like: “I have my own system. Xbox Live is seriously my favorite system to play…” Seems so minor, but it’s the details that the hardcore pays attention to.

I’m still not entirely convinced that Playboy Playmate Jo Garcia is a legit gamer either, even after her latest video. The more I think about it, that Sega Saturn footage was more than likely the work of an educated video editor. But if she had anything to do with it, I take everything back.

Thus far, the only ones to illustrate hot chicks being into games and get it right are places like Suicide Girl, and it’s ilk. Here’s a fave example…

… Trust me, the pics later on, of her covered in nothing but GameCube wires is the hottest thing ever. Unfortunately it’s many years old; I stopped subscribing to SG ever since all the girls became COMPLETELY covered in tattoos (like a little ink, but too much is too much, especially if they’re hilariously retarded, which is a real mood killers) and because way too arty farty.

As spotted on Craigslist…

Favorite part: “…we are going to throw tingle in the mix.” Oh boy. I also love when requirements are stated, the person goes: “I’m sure you all have played the game and know what I will be looking for.”

And remember, first timers are welcome to audition! They always are…

Oh god, a casting for another homemade Zelda movie… wait WHAT?! [Reddit]

But then I found out that I can waltz into the library and legally watch porn. And frankly, that’s a gamechanger, if only because I can tell my kids (or, more accurately, any male kids I have) that I watched porn in the library.

“Customers can watch whatever they want on the computer,” said Brooklyn Public Library spokeswoman Malika Granville per the New York Post.

But how, you’re probably wondering. Well, it’s pretty simple: the First Amendment.

“In deference to the First Amendment protecting freedom of speech, the New York Public Library cannot prevent adult patrons from accessing adult content that is legal,” said New York Public Library spokeswoman Angela Montefinise.

Look, if you cruise down to the library and start firing up videos of whatever freaky deaky thing you’re into, it’s going to get awkward for the people around you.

And it’s also worth noting that this doesn’t just apply to New York City; you can watch porn in any library anywhere in the world. The shock factor in the Big Apple, versus somewhere like Topeka, Kansas is just higher, because it’s NYC. And because there’s a greater chance you’ll get taken into a back alley and shot in Topeka or something.

Really, you should tailor whatever you’re watching to wherever you’re watching it. For instance, if you’re in Birmingham, DON’T watch gay midget threesomes. DO watch goat-based anal or any other type of bestiality. You want to make sure the locals are down with what you’ve got going on, after all.

Or, alternately, you could just be like the rest of normal Americans and watch porn in the privacy of your home. But if you’re so inclined, the next time you make the trip to New York, cruise by a public library and scare/offend the closest old lady.

At the very least, you can mark “Watch porn in the library” off your bucket list.

City libraries say ‘checking out’ porn protected by First Amendment - [New York Post]

One St. Petersburg area homeless man spoke to a local CBS affiliate claiming that he was paid $50 for services rendered. Those services? “[They p]ut me up in a tree and [a hot girl] whipped me with a whip…they kicked the crap out of me.”

The site claims to offer “semi-competitive and competitive wrestling, MMA, and kickboxing sessions [captured on video], as well as beatdowns (which we really love!)”.

A judge ordered the SheFights Web site manager, Jeffrey Williams, not to take down SheFights or alter the videos in any way so that the evidence could be preserved for trial.

Williams told CBS affiliate WTSP that he will be vindicated in any trial.

On the one hand, I can’t exactly condone pulling a real life version of “American Psycho” on the homeless, only with hot chicks in the place of Patrick Bateman with an Internet audience of some sketchy dudes masturbating creepily all the way. But on the other hand, if they paid the homeless guys, had them sign a waiver, and they agreed, is there anything legally wrong with that? Just because some people like really sick things and there are people in a crappy enough situation to take part doesn’t mean that it needs to no longer exist.

If anything, I’m much less perturbed by this real life pseudo-S&M than I am by stuff like a crush fetish, which consists of people into watching attractive women crush things ranging from fruit to small animals. Last I checked, a hamster never agreed to those videos because he refused to go to rehab for his crippling addictions. Lemmiwinks>Bad decision-making hobos.

Homeless were paid $50 to be beaten by women for fetish video, says lawsuit [CBS News]

There’s obviously a lot to learn from this clip. Specifically, you should tell all the girls “If you were a lemon, I would put you on my shelf and cherish you, like I do all my lemons.” That way you know you’ll be getting some ass that night. Bitches love two things: Shoes and being unfavorably compared to lemons.

The tagline on the NSFW site pretty much says it all: “Ever Wonder What The Simpsons Would Look Life In Real Life? Or Better Yet…If They Were F-CKING??” Only every single day of my life, parody porn Web site.

I just think that, for once, it’s nice to see yellow people in a porn without the genitals censored.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends and during holidays to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Look, I should first say that I don’t have any problem with Internet pornography or adult film actresses. There is a very substantial list of reasons why dating a porn actress would possibly be one of the most awesome things to happen in your life. For starters, you can get that “My other ride is a porn star” bumper sticker you always wanted to slap on your Jetta! And I’m sure there are other (mind-blowing) things that would be make a relationship of this sort both exciting and fascinating (maybe terrifying). Yet, from a male perspective, I feel like doing so would be a burden on your sanity. There are a lot of things to consider before entering into a relationship with an adult film actress.

8 Every guy will hit on her
There is something mysterious about a woman that attracts us to them in the first place. History tells us that most men will treat a woman differently after sleeping with her. However, porn stars seem to unlock what we’ll call the “I’ve seen you naked” Paradox. Consider how many men watch porn (according to studies, it’s somewhere around 100%) and factor in the fact that the people who have seen you girlfriend naked will literally be everywhere you go. Most men would see an attractive woman who is way out of his league and would simply leave her alone or halfheartedly hit on her. But this man has seen your lady do the nasty so many times that through the transitive property of the horny male mind, he has a shot with her no matter his looks, location, or social status.

The fact that someone is a porn star is often misconstrued by men as “she’ll be most likely to have sex with me because it is her job, after all.” And while you may be basking in the thought of sleeping with one; you probably couldn’t be more off-base. But, if you were dating an adult actress, men would hit on her everywhere she went. Of course this happens with every beautiful woman, but coupled with the delusion that every guy that hits on her in a grocery store probably thinks shes going to immediately take them to their car and change their life sexually in the back row of the Trader Joe’s parking lot — you have a makings of a potentially volatile situation every time you go out in public.

7 You are going to get into fights with other dudes
No guy likes when other dudes are creeping on his girlfriend, but when guys at in the line at 7-11 start using the opening line “I’d like to give you like a footlong? And it’s not the one in my hand…” What the hell are you supposed to do? Obviously, you would have to confront the guy. But can you blame him? That was an awesome line and I mean come on, when is this guy gonna get another chance to use a gem like that? Answer: Probably never.

But that’s your girl. You have to do the “Hey, Buddy. Who you talking to?” routine and more than likely a scuffle of some sort will end with either fisticuffs or an exchange of sharp language in the parking lot. And this would happen all the damn time. Everywhere you go someone will say something crude or grab her ass. In simple terms: The inappropriate level that your woman brings out in people of the general public will be off the damn charts. So go out and purchase a pair of boxing gloves, a Bowflex, and the most comprehensive health insurance plan that you can afford; you are going to need to be fit and ready to fight at all times.

6 Everything she does will be “well documented”
It’s not like she used to be stripper and you can maybe keep a lid on or keep a low profile. Once you go into porn, you are always in porn. There will be pictures, films and Web sites all devoted to her and what she does for a living floating around for the rest of time. It is the least discreet occupation a person can have. And it will more than likely be an inescapable part of her life. If you decided at some point that you wanted to move somewhere and get a fresh start, you’d still probably find people that knew who your girlfriend was. The internet is, like, everywhere. They even have it in Delaware.

5 She will be probably be hot. People will notice that. They will whisper…
Many adult film actresses have had ample work done on their faces and maybe boosted a few key areas with some silicone during their time in the Valley. How you look on camera is more important than anything else in the porn industry. So other men and women are going to notice her as you are out and about. Not all of them, but enough to catch you attention and maybe make you a little paranoid. It’s the good kind of paranoid until you realize what people are thinking about when they see her. Probably most embarrassing if she has had some work done on her chest area and the stewardess mentions flotation devices and everyone looks at your girlfriend’s chest and whispers, “Well, she’ll ain’t drowning.”

4 You will almost never want to talk about her day at work
No guy ever wants to ask, “Hey Beautiful, what did you do at work today?” and hear “An entire football team.” That talk your girlfriend has about the bitchy girl in her office is annoying, certainly. But it probably can’t compare to hearing your porn star girlfriend talking about how she can’t see out of her right eye due to Johnny Sinz’s errant aim.

3 Shame
I said before that I personally don’t think of adult film stars as bad or sinful people. However, a lot of people you encounter on a day-to-day basis do. The stigma of having sex for a living is still a very touchy (no pun intended) subject. And by that, I mean, most people (guessing mostly female in nature) will judge your girlfriend adversely once they find out what she does for a living. She will probably be called a slut or a whore behind your/her back at most turns and when she is dressed for work… people will know what she does. They just will. Nobody dresses like that at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

Is it embarrassing? Well, that would be up to you. Some people wouldn’t let the situation affect them, but I’m guessing sometimes you’d feel a bit ashamed. Sure, sex is great and we live in liberated times, but if your lady’s number of sexual partners possibly numbers into the hundreds…well, sex is supposed to be a shared bond between two people (maybe three if you get her drunk enough). But, if you love this person and don’t care about anything else, then you aren’t worried about people staring and whispering when they see her. I congratulate you and can say without question that you are a better and more progressive man than I. Love conquers all. However, good luck telling Grandma what your lady did in her last project “Blondes Under the Big Top 4: Clowns on Patrol” during Thanksgiving dinner.

2 People are going to want pictures and autographs from her
This is probably going to be uncomfortable and borderline inappropriate. “Can I see your piercings?” and “Will you sign my ass?” and “Now, tell me this isn’t the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” will become the questions you will start to hear in your sleep.

1 She will have award shows and film openings that you will have to go to
Imagine a room filled to the brim with people from the adult film industry. Men and women of various shapes and color all coming together to celebrate their achievements in the film industry. You look around and maybe take a few laps with your lady. Now, when you meet guys from her past, you sometimes get “the look.” That look is basically a guy insinuating that he’s shared a bed with your girlfriend in a Biblical sense. It’s the worst look a guy can give another guy. Now, imagine the next 3 hours of your life, where you go up and shake someones hand and every time you do, you get that look. And remember, in this situation it’s not just men who give you that look. And while that fact is kinda sexy, I imagine that you would probably just drink heavily and try not to ask too many questions.

And then you realize that “the look” isn’t the worse thing that could happen to you tonight. You ask yourself, “I wonder how many of these people have slept with my girlfriend” and then an hour later you have that question is passionately answered on a 30 foot movie screen as a room full of people watch and cheer the screams of your one-and-only in the throws of passion with one or several strangers. Not a fun prospect.

Ah, who the hell cares!! You only go around once in this life, right? **

** That is not what she said.

I could see some of the parody porn titles having some interest like “Saved by the Bell” or “90210.” But this? Eh. The blue people just look weird to me. If I wanted to see giant women with oddly spaced faces have sex, I’d, well, have sex with girls I’d usually have sex with. *cuts self

Guys who are inexperienced with women but familiar with adult films may have a horribly warped sense of sex as well as what women find pleasurable. Hopefully this is not the case with most guys, but one can assume that a certain percentage of men retain the misguided teachings of porn. Never fear though, we’re here to help with the nine most common porn moves that you should avoid.

9 The d-ck slap
If you have watched even 20 seconds of porn you have likely seen this ultra classy move. It would seem that every male porn star has a compulsion to slap his member upon the behind, breast, or face of his partner. Whether to stay hard, to exert dominance, or to degrade, it doesn’t seem likely that a woman would enjoy this and quite likely that she will find it insulting or childish.

8 Getting out of a speeding ticket
You have probably seen this scenario before: a hot female cop pulls the guy in the sports car over and allows herself to be seduced by Mr. Macho Bignuts, who “gets off” with a warning. If you try this expect to get off with jail time, and some awkward moments with your new roommate Big Daddy.

7 Pulling hair
Gentle hair pulling can actually be a turn on. Rough, painful yanking of hair is not. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and you would be best advised to stay clear of this line entirely, unless she specifically asks for it. Then proceed gently. Gently!

6 No foreplay
People need foreplay, men as well as women. Some confusion understandably results from the fact that foreplay for men can take .00004 seconds and involve nothing more than a glance, an accidental touch, or simply gaining consciousness. While some women don’t require much foreplay you would be well served to banish this thought from your mind and plan to provide ample foreplay every time.

5 School girl licking a popsicle
For one thing, there’s a chance that the girl is in fact not legal, and two, simply licking a popsicle is not an invitation. While older guys will have success 100% of the time approaching this girl/woman in porn movies, this is a very very bad idea for you. Unless you like ending up in jail with Big Daddy, as previously noted.

4 Hot for teacher
Every once in a while a news story will break about a female teacher sleeping with one of her students. The story makes headlines because it actually happens quite rarely. Not to say it is impossible, just that if you were thinking of coming on to your hot English professor, remember that she will be grading you one way or another. And probably not on a curve.

3 Pizza Delivery Guy / Handy Man / Pool Cleaner
Dressing up as one of these characters, contrary to popular porn portrayal, does not instantly make women crazy with desire. Sure there may be some woman out there who can’t control herself when the pool cleaner arrives, but it isn’t the woman in the videos. Keep that in mind when you’re thinking about applying to Pizza Hut.

2 Dr. Love
There are few instances when two consenting adults cannot legally have sex. However, when one of them is a doctor, nurse, or mental health professional and the other is a patient, that is one of those instances. With a career at risk, most have no problem resisting the supposedly irresistible. Besides, you’re really quite resistible.

1 Whip it out and expect a threesome
They may be sisters, close friends, or even BFF, but that doesn’t mean they want to have sex together, and it certainly doesn’t mean they want to have a threesome with you. These types of scenarios are so familiar in porn that we almost expect any woman anywhere to be willing to get excited simply because we walk in the room or pull our tool out. What a wonderful world that would be. It is not, however, the world we live in. So keep it in your pants.

Internet dating sites are becoming hugely popular in these bustling times, and places like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com are boasting that 25% of relationships are now started on internet dating sites like themselves. This is great news for some folks, but it got me wondering if there isn’t a reason some of these folks can’t seem to meet people in real-life. Maybe there are some things about a few of these people that are just a little “off” and that’s the reason they have trouble finding the special someone. These are a few things that may make people stop and say, “Hey wait minute…”, when they are scanning your profile. A few red flags like these could cost you your chance at eternal happiness.

7 The screen name or profile has “princess” in it
Sometimes a screen name is just a screen name; women just fall back on the old standard when devising a pseudonym for their profile. But other times it should serve as a warning that this young lady may be a little high maintenance. “I want a man who will treat me like the princess I am…” Well, that a wonderful thought (and may happen), but a lot of profiles such as this show a woman with unreasonable expectations. Sure, you want to shoot for the stars and be unequivocally happy in your relationship, but having your profile read like you’re looking for a life straight out of a Shakespearean play is a little much. Sure, most women would want daily back rubs on a yacht, someone that looks like Brad Pitt, a person with time and cash to spend every waking hour pampering them with wine and roses, but this is real life. That sounds like a lot of work for someone I’ve never even met before and shows some serious reasons to potential suitors on why you aren’t currently in a relationship. Actually it screams from the mountain tops, “I’m unbelievably high maintenance and nothing you will do will ever be enough!” Most people should just shoot for having someone to laugh, love and share their life with. And hey, maybe you get some of those things you were looking for in the process.

6 My favorite book is “insert weird or offensive choice here”
Letting your potential suitor know that your favorite book as a child was Curious George or I used to love reading Dr. Seuss when I was little are nice little tidbits of information that he/she will find cute and endearing when reading your profile. Listing your favorite books says a lot about a person and can end up being a deal breaker because it is something you can talk about and may show the type of ideals or entertainment you and your match share. Listing things like Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler, or Aleister Crowley’s The Book of Law are going to send out some serious weird signals (especially because there is no room on the form to explain your choice). I’m guessing a good portion of men and women on dating sites don’t want their first-date dinner conversation to be about the dark arts or genocide.

5 Listing that you drink “daily” or do drugs “daily”
No judgment here on my part, I’m simply stating that listing that you drink like Dudley Moore in Arthur or smoke enough weed to make Snoop Dogg jealous may not be endearing to a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you only drink a glass of wine a day or smoke after a long day at the office, but listing “daily” for these may make you sound as if you are a raging alcoholic or a drug dealer. Again, it’s the wording and lack of options of the website that gets you here. Who knows, maybe some people won’t mind it, but chances are that people looking at your profile may get the wrong impression from this and you may miss out on true love…or true love may be passed out on a keg in the living room. To each his/her own.

4 Putting that you “definitely” want kids
The option of “someday” is probably the right answer here, ladies. Putting “definitely” kinda makes it sound like you’re baby crazy. Hey, I understand that you want to be as truthful and honest as you can in order to meet your perfect match, but when “definitely wants children” is in your by-line, it is gonna scare some men away–especially when “someday” is an option, rather than “definitely.” And a lot of women want kids, which is fine and perfectly natural. I’m not saying that one should lie when making a profile, it just may be a better option to pick a word that doesn’t seem to make having children seem so finite. A lot of people who would date you may want kids too, but it’s probably a good idea to meet someone you love and think would make a good parent before making a decision like this.

3 It says on your profile that you created your own religion
“I’m a minister for my religious sect, ‘The First Church of Mikhail Kalashnikov! My sermons are a mix of Christianity, Voodoo, Pokemon cards, black magic and firearms — lots of firearms.” Sounds like a scary way to spend a Sunday morning. But who knows, maybe that guy has it right? Religion is simply a mixture of faith, love and compassion. However, if you are of an odd or (truly) unorthodox religious sect, people may be turned off by it. Not to say that they are right or correct in their religious viewpoints, but going to church or temple or a mosque is quite different than the gun and liquor hootenanny that the guy who created “The First Church of Mikhail Kalashnikov” performs each Sunday morning for his “followers.” I’m a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment, but a good portion of people would draw the line at going to a religious sermon with so many guns that you start having ‘Nam flashbacks and you’re only 23-years-old.

2 I’m 21 years old and I have 3 kids
Your decision making skills seem…loose at best. While most men would enjoy that you don’t always expect them to be wearing a condom when the date comes to an end and most women like a man that can take care of children–having a lot of children at a fairly young age probably does not bode well for most people looking for love on Match.com. There are a litany of reasons for this: some folks may want kids but not starting immediately, obviously there is probably going to be at least one other man/woman that will have an affect on your relationship (nobody wants to worry about crazy ex’s who are baby daddies/mommas), and if you are dating someone with kids, there is always going to be someone else around that is more important than you. I’m not saying that it’s a competition, but it can put a serious strain on a relationship because it’s hard to get to really know someone when time has to be divided up between your mate and your kids. On one hand, having a lot of kids at a young age shows a person has to have certain type of maturity because they take care of children, but on the other hand, it shows a complete lack of maturity to get yourself into that situation in the first place.

1 Listing watching porn as a hobby
It’s probably happened before. Sure, the internet consists mostly of websites where people are getting intimate with men, women, animals, clowns, inanimate objects and a world of other things, but it’s not something that you probably want to go around telling people. And the pron industry rakes in billions of dollars a year, so quite a few people are looking at it. But more times than not, that’s not something you want to share on a dating site. Let me rephrase that: Unless you are a woman, this is probably something you save about yourself until after the honeymoon. To some people (ballpark–almost every male alive) a woman that enjoys pornography is a plus. And if your hobby is making pornography, that is probably something you save sharing about yourself until the honeymoon. Surprise, honey! Let’s make this a night that well remember for the rest of our lives and probably long after that.

Police said Hill attacked one person near the back on the facility and turned on two others when they tried to intervene. One suffered a stab wound to the torso and died at a hospital. The other two victims were expected to survive.

Hill had lived for several months in a section of the production facility that appeared to double as an adult movie set.

Steve Nelson, editor-in-chief of Adult Industry News, said he had met Hill at social gatherings.

“He seemed like an OK guy who was trying very hard to get recognized and get his name out there,” Nelson said. “He carried around pictures of himself in hard-core action, and he would always want to show them to me.”

Porn actor sought in fatal attack at LA studio [AP]

A CROSSWORD fan aged 89 used an internet search to solve a clue about a donkey – and was bombarded with hard-core porn.

Jack Sedgewick got stuck on 14 across: “Wild asian ass.”

The great-grandad typed “asian ass” into Yahoo’s search engine in the hope of finding the answer to the newspaper poser.

Ex-engineer Jack said: “I was shaken. The images were horrendous. I didn’t know this sort of stuff existed.”

Web porn? But I was only after wild Asian ass [The Sun]