Levi Johnston slipped one past the undeniably dominant goalie that is Bristol Palin’s cervix. And now, he’s struck again: TMZ reports that Johnston knocked up 20-year-old Sunny Oglesby.

Oglesby hails from the same town of Wasilla, Alaska that the Palin clan and Johnston both hail from.

Women…what can’t they do? According to a new study, women are statistically far less likely to give birth on Halloween due to a variety of reasons. According to a study from Yale’s School of Public Health, birth rates drop by a whopping 11.3% on October 31st.

The ]]>

Women…what can’t they do? According to a new study, women are statistically far less likely to give birth on Halloween due to a variety of reasons.

According to a study from Yale’s School of Public Health, birth rates drop by a whopping 11.3% on October 31st.

The study also notes that the decline in deliveries applied not just to scheduled procedures like caesarean and induced births, but also to natural birthing.

Lead researcher Rebecca Levy told the Telegraph that soon-to-be mothers may be inducing their hormones to control birth timing since Halloween “evokes fear on some level.”

Conversely, births on Valentine’s Day rise by 5% when compared to the weeks on either side of the holiday.

I don’t blame a mother for not wanting to pop a kid out on Halloween. You don’t want a Rosemary’s Baby or, even worse, Courtney Stodden popping out.

Let’s keep the spirit of the holiday in mind, people. Halloween is a day for things to be recklessly entering scantily clad women’s vaginas, not leaving them. It’s about time women’s hormones do us a favor.

Pregnant women ‘time births to avoid Halloween’ [Telegraph]

Some things that might seem obvious to me or you are clearly not obvious to some Americans, as evidenced by one woman getting food stamps for pretending she was pregnant…for forty months straight.

A Winslow woman is accused of fraudulently obtaining food stamps by forging ]]>

Some things that might seem obvious to me or you are clearly not obvious to some Americans, as evidenced by one woman getting food stamps for pretending she was pregnant…for forty months straight.

A Winslow woman is accused of fraudulently obtaining food stamps by forging state documents to say she was pregnant over a 40-month period.

Leah L. Wright, 34, of Winslow was indicted Thursday by a grand jury in Kennebec County Superior Court on one count of theft by deception and eight counts of aggravated forgery.

An indictment is not a determination of guilt but indicates sufficient evidence is present to proceed with charges and a trial.

According to the indictment, Wright received between $1,000 and $10,000 from the state Department of Health and Human Services between Sept. 28, 2006, and Feb. 1, 2010, by falsely stating she was pregnant.

Assistant Attorney General Leane Robbin said Wright received about $4,000 in food stamp benefits.

“You can’t continue food stamps benefits forever unless there is a reason you can’t work,” Robbin said.

Woman accused of bilking state by claiming 40 months of pregnancy [The Morning Sentinel]

As a woman, it’s important to take ownership of your pregnancy. Some women work until the day of their birth before taking maternity leave. Others rob a Walmart while going into labor. Same diff. Ohio police say that Katurah Petty stole $271 worth of computer software ]]>

As a woman, it’s important to take ownership of your pregnancy. Some women work until the day of their birth before taking maternity leave. Others rob a Walmart while going into labor. Same diff.

Ohio police say that Katurah Petty stole $271 worth of computer software from a local Walmart along with a woman presumed to be her sister, Staniel.

The Pettys allegedly used forged serial number adhesive labels to steal the merchandise from the store.

Katurah was in labor during the theft and was taken to the hospital by police immediately after being arrested.

Both Pettys are charged with theft and forgery.

On the plus side, at least we know that Katurah’s newborn child will be off to a great start. I mean it’s probably not great to be born in the middle of your mom committing a crime, but at least she was stealing computer software and not, I don’t know, crack pipes. Walmart’s prices on crack pipes can’t be beat, from what I hear. It’s how that smiley faced dude stays so happy.

Some moms-to-be like to stay active right up until delivery [MSNBC]

Some graffiti-makers have stopped spinning on cardboard boxes long enough to deface some of the anti-abortion/pro-life ads popping up across the country with the tagline “Abortion Changes You.” Some of them have had humorous results. For example, this picture of a man wondering what he could have done to help ]]>

Some graffiti-makers have stopped spinning on cardboard boxes long enough to deface some of the anti-abortion/pro-life ads popping up across the country with the tagline “Abortion Changes You.” Some of them have had humorous results. For example, this picture of a man wondering what he could have done to help a woman attempting to deal with her abortion.

Things that may also help:
-Stop showing her marinated, undercooked cornish game hens.
-Don’t joke and tell her that it’s time to take a visit to Doctor Martens.
-After cleaning the house, avoid shaking a tube vacuum by her face, wiggling it around and going, “Looks like you’re next!”
-Try not to leave an empty “Dora the Explorer” backpack laying around her house.
-Don’t tickle her stomach and go, “Haha this is great! We never could have had so much fun if I had little feet kicking me while I did this!”

It may not get her right back on the horse, but it’s a start.

I often wonder if there was something I could have done to help her [PIC] [Reddit]

When attempting to get a baby out of a pregnant woman, there are a couple of key concerns. One: Make sure she’s comfortable and taken care of, since this is one of the most important moments in a woman’s life. Two: Make sure she’s actually pregnant. One North Carolina hospital ]]>

When attempting to get a baby out of a pregnant woman, there are a couple of key concerns. One: Make sure she’s comfortable and taken care of, since this is one of the most important moments in a woman’s life. Two: Make sure she’s actually pregnant. One North Carolina hospital committed a big ol’ whoopsidoodle on part two, performing a C-section on a woman who wasn’t pregnant at all.

The North Carolina Medical Board says doctors and interns at Cape Fear Valley Medical Center attempted to induce labor on a patient, but when that didn’t work, they performed a cesarean section only to find out there was no baby.

The incident happened in November 2008, but the state medical board spent the past year reviewing the case. In January, they issued the two doctors involved letters of concern.

“And so she said she did an ultrasound and she said no heart beat,” [one of the doctors working with the patient, Dr.] Geszler said. “So [the patient] convinced the resident that she wanted to be induced at Cape Fear Valley, so the resident said can I induce here and I said okay.”

According to the medical board, the initial diagnosis was made by healthcare providers without the necessary experience to make the appropriate diagnosis.

The patient was actually suffering from pseudocyesis, symptoms associated with pregnancy even though they are not pregnant. The false pregnancy can be caused by changes in the body and hormones, emotional distress or an endocrine disorder.

I’m no medical doctor, but that diagnosis of “pseudocyesis” sounds a whole lot like my layman’s definition of “Dat bitch is crazy.” And I made that determination without stirrups or a stethoscope. In your face, Dr. McDreamy.

At the same time, you kind of have to feel bad for this lady. She clearly thought she was pregnant. One would think that would lead to you getting a sonogram, but what do I know? It’s probably for the best that she didn’t find out like that. I can’t imagine the awkwardness you’d feel when you go to a doctor over a sonogram and, upon looking inside, all you can see in the womb is a bunch of closed down shops, an abandoned Dodge Dart, and a rolling tumbleweed. Further proof of the benefits of gentrification.

Doctors perform C-section on non-pregnant woman [ABC Local]

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, what with the circle of life and the new beginnings and the woman screaming obscenities at her husband vowing to never have sex again. So what can possibly make you reevaluate the beauty of a mom-to-be? Her being 28 inches tall. ]]>

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, what with the circle of life and the new beginnings and the woman screaming obscenities at her husband vowing to never have sex again. So what can possibly make you reevaluate the beauty of a mom-to-be? Her being 28 inches tall.

Image credit

Giving birth is a big event for any woman, but for tiny Stacey Herald it is momentous – and extremely risky.

Doctors warned 2ft 4in Stacey off pregnancy. They said a baby would grow so large inside her body it would crush her organs, strangling her from the inside out.
Recalling her first pregnancy, Stacey, from Dry Ridge, Kentucky, said: “They all told me I’d die. They begged me not to have the baby…

“All my babies are miracles. They’re a great gift to the world. When I look at them I’m so full of love, it’s tough not to want more.”

I especially like how she’s wearing Spongebob Squarepants clothing. For her, the choices in maternity clothes were either Spongebob pajamas or clothing from Barbie’s “I Really Let Myself Go After Ken Came Out” playset.

Stacey has given birth to two girls prior to her current pregnancy, now ages two and three years old. Both were by c-section, fortunately. A natural birth from Ms. Herald would look absurd, like an irregular Matroyshka doll bought from a flea market.

That said, it’s kind of touching. A bit frightening to look at, but touching. You can check out some more photos here, including the full-sized Mr. Herald holding her up like a baby. You know, typical prenatal stuff.

[Telegraph]

In my ongoing quest to get the the bottom of the swine flu, I came across this…oh. That’s a human. Well then. This..human, really?…human mother is feeding her 6 month old triples McDonald’s.

She made history as the fattest ever mother of triplets, weighing in at ]]>

In my ongoing quest to get the the bottom of the swine flu, I came across this…oh. That’s a human. Well then. This..human, really?…human mother is feeding her 6 month old triples McDonald’s.

She made history as the fattest ever mother of triplets, weighing in at 40 stone.

But far from ensuring her babies don’t go the same way she did, Leanne Salt is happy to admit feeding them junk food, including fish and chips and McDonald’s meals.

Yesterday the 24-year-old – still dangerously overweight at 30 stone – told of her approach to motherhood which doctors say is certain to leave them facing health problems.

‘They were six months old when they had their first McDonald’s,’ she said. ‘They had chicken nuggets and chips and loved it.

‘They like fish and chips too, but I take the batter off the fish, so I guess that’s healthy.’

Miss Salt’s immense weight meant the safe delivery of her triplets – daughters Deanna and Daisy, and son Finlee – last August was a major challenge for medics.

It took a 68-strong team and a bill for the NHS of £200,000, including a specially-built operating table for her Caesarean section.

Just for the record, 30 stone is about 420 pounds in our American weight and 68 people on the team in England equates to about 38 people here and five midgets. You realize how much effort that is? There have been wars that have been fought with less people. All to deliver more genetically inferior savages who’ll diabetes-it-up until they end up in an early grave too. Great usage of time and money and tubs of grease and reinforced steel and tongs designed for use with cows going into early labor and tarps to keep the floors clean of her “body gravy.”

Let’s just get these kids a spot on Maury and a shirt that’s entirely too small for their first birthday. The first words of the children being “I do wha I wan” doesn’t seem too far out of reach, now does it?

[via]

Nadya Suleman had eight living beings exit her vagina a couple weeks back and that somehow makes her noteworthy (see her extremely self-important Web site here). TMZ found a photo of her while pregnant and it’s as horrifying as you could ever possibly imagine.

Nadya Suleman had eight living beings exit her vagina a couple weeks back and that somehow makes her noteworthy (see her extremely self-important Web site here). TMZ found a photo of her while pregnant and it’s as horrifying as you could ever possibly imagine.

It’s easy to make an abortion joke here, so I will. Because honestly I would think at least one of those fetuses would have been aborted by accident. A sneeze would probably give them a concussion, an unfortunate side effect of having little people crammed into your uterus like Mexicans in a one-room apartment. Even getting up in the morning makes them jostle around like Michael J. Fox.

This is why I’m dreading the moment I knock a woman up whom I don’t immediately run away from after learning about it. If I wanted to f a hot air balloon, I’d cut a hole into my copy of Around the World in 80 Days and prepare for chaffing. But why would I want that? That’s an odd fetish to have. Hypothetical Me might need serious emotional counseling.

[photo via. more on crazy octuplet mom here]

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. Jamie Lynn Spears apparently had liposuction somewhere in her third through fifth months of pregnancy because she “just thought she was getting fat”.

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found ]]>

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read. Jamie Lynn Spears apparently had liposuction somewhere in her third through fifth months of pregnancy because she “just thought she was getting fat”.

Jamie Lynn had just finished her hit Nickelodeon show Zoey 101 when she found the weight piling on. Not realizing she was expecting, she pleaded with her mom, Lynne Spears, to let her get liposuction, says a source.

With a five-month-old daughter at home, Jamie Lynn Spears should be celebrating motherhood. Instead, the former TV star is fearful that controversial plastic surgery she had while pregnant could have caused long-term harm to baby Maddie.

“She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a second source reveals.

“Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.” “Any form of liposuction is dangerous and should not be performed on a pregnant woman,” plastic surgeon Dr. Gary Burton tells Star. “It poses serious health risks to the fetus.”

It goes without saying that Jamie Lynn Spears may not be the brightest girl alive, but reacting to three months without a bloody vagina and some weight gain with “Hmm, must be getting fat” is the dumbest crap ever. It’s like walking outside and then rain starts pouring down so you just assume that it must be construction workers pissing on you everywhere you go. But the doctor is even more retarded not only because he gave a young girl lipo, but because he’s a doctor and he saw a bowling bowl welling up in her stomach and was just like, “DUH I DON’T KNOW NUFFIN BOUT NO BABIEZ.” I know they live in Louisiana and a Louisianan doctor is probably no more than a chimp with a stethoscope and a Swiss army knife, but come on.

I will however commend Jamie Lynn for her completely and utterly lazy solution to gaining like 10 pounds. She’s too busy getting pounded without condoms to do a sit-up or not eat double-fried Chocolate Cheetos. Which is inspirational for teenage girls everywhere, really. With her and Miley Cyrus and the various other whore role models running around, if I had a 12 year-old daughter, I’d be surprised if she weren’t getting involved in gang bangs on her way both to and from the abortion clinic because she can’t gain weight or she’d lose her weekend job as a topless dancer. Kids today…so ambitious with their extracurricular activities!

[via via]

From the Italian premiere of Disaster Movie, a country where they love pasta, water taxis, and big breasts promoting crapty parody.

So according to our friend Zack Taylor at Hot or Not Gossip, Carmen Electra is now pregnant. And while the gift of ]]>

From the Italian premiere of Disaster Movie, a country where they love pasta, water taxis, and big breasts promoting crapty parody.

So according to our friend Zack Taylor at Hot or Not Gossip, Carmen Electra is now pregnant. And while the gift of life is beautiful or whatever insomuchas you bloat up and look like a house typically, maybe I’ve been approaching it all wrong. If there’s a chance you look like that, pictured above and below, after getting this living organism growing inside of you, maybe my girlfriend just saved herself a swift kick to the stomach.

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears done got herself knocked up again. From the latest issue…

A source tells the publication, “Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical.

“Neither of them knows what to do, ]]>

The National Enquirer is reporting that Jamie Lynn Spears done got herself knocked up again. From the latest issue…

A source tells the publication, “Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical.

“Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.

“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding.

“She’d expected to have her period by early September, but a home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out.

“Lynne was livid when she found out.”

Read that again…she thought she couldn’t get pregnant by breast-feeding. That’s like something a small child would think, how retarded is this girl? That’s like when I used to tell girls to click their heels twice after accidentally erupting inside of them. Sure, it didn’t work, but if you believe hard enough and close your eyes real tight, I’ll have enough time to run out of the apartment and never see you again. So I guess that’s the difference…my idea actually worked.

Man she must really love unprotected sex though. For a teenage girl to get knocked up immediately after popping one out, she’s got to have a strong hatred for latex. She may punch Trojanman every time in the face she sees him. It’s that strong that no mascot can stop this skin-on-skin menace.

[via]

Ever wonder why you find yourself with the wrong guy ladies? Turns out you may not just be stupid, but rather affected by your birth control pills.

Birth control pills could screw up a woman’s ability to sniff out a compatible mate, a ]]>

Ever wonder why you find yourself with the wrong guy ladies? Turns out you may not just be stupid, but rather affected by your birth control pills.

Birth control pills could screw up a woman’s ability to sniff out a compatible mate, a new study finds.

While several factors can send a woman swooning, including big brains and brawn, body odor can be critical in the final decision, the researchers say. That’s because beneath a woman’s flowery fragrance or a guy’s musk the body sends out aromatic molecules that indicate genetic compatibility.

Major histocompatibility complex (MHC) genes are involved in immune response and other functions, and the best mates are those that have different MHC smells than you. The new study reveals, however, that when women are on the pill they prefer guys with matching MHC odors.

“The results showed that the preferences of women who began using the contraceptive pill shifted towards men with genetically similar odors,” Roberts said.

This study really opened my eyes. Here I was thinking that the only type of pill that impaired women’s judgment were the ones I bought from that dude at a frat party but apparently my drug dealer Sparky was blatantly false-advertising. It’s shameful how much they get away with.

Anyway this is a genetic thing so there’s no real way to take advantage of it men, so don’t go running around dipping your genitals in tuna yet. Unless you have a cat. Then we call that love.

Far be it from me to question a teacher’s lesson plans, but I’m thinking asking sixth graders to vote on who will be the most likely to get pregnant or HIV or go to jail or be poor might not be the best curriculum for a science ]]>

Far be it from me to question a teacher’s lesson plans, but I’m thinking asking sixth graders to vote on who will be the most likely to get pregnant or HIV or go to jail or be poor might not be the best curriculum for a science class.

A sixth-grade science teacher at Chastain Middle School could face disciplinary action for forcing a class to list the students most likely to die before 19 and most likely to get pregnant before they graduate from high school.

Teacher Roshondra Sipp on Monday told the students to fill out a paper with questions such as who in the class is most likely to contract AIDS/HIV, go to jail and be poor, Curtis Lyons said. His daughter is in Sipp’s class.

Jackson Public Schools apologized to students and parents Wednesday, saying an “inexperienced teacher” used “poor professional judgment.” JPS did not name the teacher.

Lyons was told by his daughter the class of about 19 students did not want to do the assignment, but Sipp insisted. After the students gave the teacher the answers, she tallied the totals and put them on the wall, Lyons said.

Lyons said his daughter was listed as the fifth most likely to become pregnant in high school.

“That’s when they began to make fun of each other,” he said. “This is just ignorant. It shows that not only is there a need to educate our students, but we need to better educate our teachers.”

Lyons said it was not clear if the assignment was meant to motivate students to do better or if it was meant as a joke. He said the assignment could negatively impact the students’ performance on the Mississippi Curriculum Test, which began Tuesday.

I guess that might make sense if this is some sort of longitudinal psychological study in which you determine if having these children vote for their most likely candidate made the winners any more or less likely to actually complete the tasks. Like a scavenger hunt in which the prize is AIDS or a fetus. But that’s not much of a prize at all. What an awful scavenger hunt. Who organized this? It’s like that time I was bobbing for apples at a Boy Scout retreat and the prize was a blindfold and some sort of meat flavored lollipop. It’s like my mouth was already all sore from bobbing for apples, but then to force my face onto some prize I didn’t really want, I dunno. And there wasn’t even like a Tootsie Roll in the middle. It didn’t even melt away! It just like shot some sort of gooey bleach down my trachea. Waiiiiiiiiiiit…oh…oh nooo. I’m guessing they weren’t really taking my temperature either. Sigh. At least I got to wear short shorts.

My childhood traumas aside, they’re poor black kids in Mississippi. Let’s be real here, they probably celebrated their triumphant showings in the polls with their newborn babies by doing some intravenous drug use. It’s nice to pretend that everyone has a great chance at leading a productive life, but welcome to reality, kids. Perhaps that was the lesson the science teacher wanted to impart most of all. A lesson about tempering expectations.

[Thanks to the lovely Dena for the tip]

I don’t know who Woody and Wilcox are but apparently they pissed off quite a few Eskimos at their flagship Alaska station.

The Anchorage DJs, known as Woody and Wilcox, were joking about what makes someone a real Alaskan, when one of them ]]>

I don’t know who Woody and Wilcox are but apparently they pissed off quite a few Eskimos at their flagship Alaska station.

The Anchorage DJs, known as Woody and Wilcox, were joking about what makes someone a real Alaskan, when one of them offered a variation on an old saying — offensive to many — that real Alaskans have urinated in the Yukon River and made love to an Alaska Native woman. What the DJ said, however, switched the verbs, making it far more offensive.

Michelle Davis, who is part Tlingit, said she was listening to the show April 9 while stuck in traffic on her way to work when she heard the comment.

“I was horrified,” she said Tuesday. “It was a very ugly image.”

Adding to the anger over the remarks is the fact that Alaska Native women are disproportionately targeted in violent crimes, including rape, said Denise Morris, president of the Alaska Native Justice Center, an Anchorage-based social advocacy organization.

The state has long had the highest sexual assault rate in the nation, and the problem is worst in rural, largely Native areas, according to a recent law enforcement study.

If anything, they should be suspended for making an illogical joke. How can you make love to a river? Because I’ll be damned if I’ve been able to find a way so far.

Anyway since when is it violence against a woman to pee in/on her? I was always taught that that was what love was all about. You want to have a baby, you pee inside a woman, and 9 months later a stork comes by wearing a backwards cap and carrying Vlasic pickles and then he drops off your beautiful Aryan baby. I mean, yeah, it sucks that Alaska apparently has so much problems, but whatever, pee on all the Eskimos you want. Doesn’t affect me in any way. If anything, it may affect my life positively since that’s probably good luck. I don’t see how it couldn’t be.

Some survey was conducted in Florida that revealed interesting findings on the methods of sexual prevention that Florida teens believe in, including drinking bleach to prevent HIV and smoking weed to halt pregnancy. You know you like this story already.

A recent survey ]]>

Some survey was conducted in Florida that revealed interesting findings on the methods of sexual prevention that Florida teens believe in, including drinking bleach to prevent HIV and smoking weed to halt pregnancy. You know you like this story already.

A recent survey that found some Florida teens believe drinking a cap of bleach will prevent HIV and a shot of Mountain Dew will stop pregnancy has prompted lawmakers to push for an overhaul of sex education in the state.

The survey showed that Florida teens also believe that smoking marijuana will prevent a person from getting pregnant.

State lawmakers said the myths are spreading because of Florida’s abstinence-only sex education, Local 6 reported.

They are proposing a bill that would require a more comprehensive approach, the report said.

I like the way these kids think. You think the first guy to put peanut butter with jelly was thought to be a genius? Or that the guy who was like, “HEY LET’S EAT BACTERIA TO HEAL OUR GERMS” was thought of as logical right away? Maybe these kids are just smarter than you know. Even more important, maybe this means that all this time I’ve been giving underaged girls marijuana before having sex with them, I’ve actually been doing good.

I also hear the rohypnol cures the common cold. You better hope it does.

So this is kind of a tragic story that I will nonetheless attempt to laugh at. A disabled pregnant gal was tortured and held captive in a basement, then beaten with things and getting acid thrown on her. Fun!

Banished to the basement, ]]>

So this is kind of a tragic story that I will nonetheless attempt to laugh at. A disabled pregnant gal was tortured and held captive in a basement, then beaten with things and getting acid thrown on her. Fun!

Banished to the basement, the 29-year-old mother with a childlike mind and another baby on the way had little more than a thin rug and a mattress to call her own on the chilly concrete floor.

Dorothy Dixon ate what she could forage from the refrigerator upstairs, where housemates used her for target practice with BBs, burned her with a glue gun and doused her with scalding liquid that peeled away her skin.

They torched what few clothes she had, so she walked around naked. They often pummeled her with an aluminum bat or metal handle.

Dixon — six months pregnant — died after weeks of abuse. Police have charged two adults, three teenagers and a 12-year-old boy with murder in the case that has repulsed many in this Mississippi River town.

“This is heartbreaking,” police Lt. David Hayes said. “It was almost as though they were making fun of the abuse they were administering. This woman was almost like living in a prison.”

Investigators put much of the blame on Michelle Riley, 35, who they said befriended Dixon but pocketed monthly Social Security checks she got because of her developmental delays.

Are you even remotely shocked that people that look like the above would be doing something like this? Like if you had asked me to draw a picture of what the type of person to do this would look like…well, it’d probably be a rudimentary stick figure with a Mexican mustache. But I’d have intended for it to look like those people above.

I guess though that if you’re going to take ownership of a developmentally disabled pregnant woman, this is kind of what you have to do. Like what other uses for her do you have? She can’t like, read you books or solve complex mathematical equations for you. Oh and forget having her file your taxes (unless you want to declare a cartoon drawing of a kitty mixed with seminal fluid as a dependent). So yeah, I guess it’s logical. Probably not very sporting, but logical.