I’m often trying to think of a gift that both provides the recipient with worthless things and makes me appear racist. Thank the Heavens for helping Ghetto Baskets to find its way into my inbox.

Items that may be included in the basket ]]>

I’m often trying to think of a gift that both provides the recipient with worthless things and makes me appear racist. Thank the Heavens for helping Ghetto Baskets to find its way into my inbox.

Items that may be included in the basket (it’s a grab bag, so it’s “totally random” ) include:

Hot Sauce
Pregnancy Test
Grape Drink
Batteries
Beef Jerky
Potted Meat
Pork Rinds
Noodles in a Cup
After Shave
Plastic Commemorative Plate
Religious Candle
Porcelain Figurine
Kung-Fu DVD
Cassette or VHS Tape
Doo Rag
Vapor Rub
Energy Drank
Soap
Outdated Calendar

Sadly, no white hoods or orthopedic lynchin’ shoes are included to really drive the point home.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all about a bit of racial humor. For example, did you know that while I, a white male, type like this, a black male TYPES LIKE THIS! It’s better as a visual joke. But come on, this isn’t right. I mean we’re making every stereotype about a black guy come to life in the form of this gift basket yet we’re NOT including delicious fried chicken? That’s just lazy.

Oh wait, the photos on the Web site are all of hipster-looking white people. It’s totally cool then, carry on.

[thanks Chris for the tip]

I used to love basketball but due to now being older and not having melanin, I no longer can play the game with the same amount of zeal. And here’s another reason why that’s a good idea…rims with murderous intent.

It’s like that old “Grant Hill drinks Sprite!” Sprite ]]>

I used to love basketball but due to now being older and not having melanin, I no longer can play the game with the same amount of zeal. And here’s another reason why that’s a good idea…rims with murderous intent.

It’s like that old “Grant Hill drinks Sprite!” Sprite commercial where the guy tries to dunk but falls backwards, only instead of falling backwards, this guy almost died. Much less charming in real life.

Basketball is typically pretty safe though. If you’re playing by yourself, odds are you won’t injure anything. And if you’re playing with other people, odds are the black guys won’t be able to mug you because there’s no way you can carry weapons and adequately sprint around the court. That’s why they call basketball The Great Equalizer. Other than athletically. Or if it turns into a penis measuring contest. Probably not equal there, at all.

The show I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here is, well I don’t know if it’s doing well but it’s certainly existing. Nonetheless, Hulu is pushing it on its homepage. But Hulu may want to be careful with the images it selects juxtaposed with the shortened descriptions.

The show I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here is, well I don’t know if it’s doing well but it’s certainly existing. Nonetheless, Hulu is pushing it on its homepage. But Hulu may want to be careful with the images it selects juxtaposed with the shortened descriptions.

Now that’s just insensitive to John Salley, the lone black guy of the show. It probably goes with the theme of the producers’ racial insensitivity, though. One of the challenges Salley had to do involved scaling a model building while holding up Torrie Wilson. Shameful how NBC doesn’t think about the subtext to their actions.

It reminds me of how when I was on the bus this morning, the back of the bus had literally only black people on it while all old white ladies sat in the front. Didn’t you guys take history class? Then again, with the public school system the way it is, I guess the class probably just showed Driving Miss Daisy as a historical allegory and everyone got confused.

[thanks Carl for the tip!]

Our friends at The Smoking Section (a fantastic site if you like hip hop or things that terrify white people) unearthed this clip from an old Scripps Spelling Bee of a young white boy terrified of spelling the word “negus.” You need to watch it to appreciate ]]>

Our friends at The Smoking Section (a fantastic site if you like hip hop or things that terrify white people) unearthed this clip from an old Scripps Spelling Bee of a young white boy terrified of spelling the word “negus.” You need to watch it to appreciate it.

I can really relate to this kid. One time I went up to Harlem to look at an apartment and I told the broker, “This is a lovely place, but I have to admit, the negus are scaring the crap out of me. With their baggy jeans and jive talk, I don’t know how the negus wouldn’t make my experience here less than enjoyable.” I was naturally referring to the Ethiopian monarchs who’d be living above me, but you’d be amazed at how quick people are to punch you when you try to bring vocabulary to their lives.

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In this video we take a look a documentary-esque look at the elusive “Guido” and, well, it’s a pretty embarrassing time to be an American with Italian ancestry.

So who’s the one to blame for this? At what point did the representation of Italian people go from a pizza ]]>

In this video we take a look a documentary-esque look at the elusive “Guido” and, well, it’s a pretty embarrassing time to be an American with Italian ancestry.

So who’s the one to blame for this? At what point did the representation of Italian people go from a pizza man with a monkey with an organ to a mobster to some orange goblin with electric shocked hair? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate racism as much as anyone, as evidenced by how open-minded I am when I pour Aunt Jemima’s syrup onto my pancakes. But I have to point out that I don’t think I’ve ever seen an orange-tanned person with an Italian name as a doctor or a lawyer or a knight or really in any career that requires any type of talent. But man, if there’s ever a company that needs a VP of Getting Drunk and Bopping Around to Techno Music, well, prepare for some social mobility.

I don’t own a camera, too many concerns over my soul being stolen. But apparently this Nikon, with a feature that detects if someone blinked so that you can reshoot the photo, apparently doesn’t quite get the existence of Asian people.

That’s pretty fed up. Even ]]>

I don’t own a camera, too many concerns over my soul being stolen. But apparently this Nikon, with a feature that detects if someone blinked so that you can reshoot the photo, apparently doesn’t quite get the existence of Asian people.

That’s pretty fed up. Even worse is when the camera put a cymbal on its head and went “Doo doo doo da doo doo, doo doo daaaaaa” then said, “Me no rikey frash.” I’m not entirely sure how that’s supposed to help along quality photography. Poor form, Nikon.

This is totally an aside but an observation someone told me the other day that I haven’t been able to confirm, so maybe you guys can…is it true that Asian people don’t have eyelashes (or have very short ones)? I never noticed but he seemed insistent that most people know this. Have I really been missing out on a stereotype for this long? Is this a serious problem (seems to be, based upon the amount of results looking for help when Googling “Asian eyelash”? Also, where do people ejaculate when having sex with an Asian woman if not there? I just want enlightenment.

[via, image via]

Apparently this video by an artist with classical influences named “Ms. Peachez” came out in 2006. I hadn’t heard of it until recently when the heroes known as Opie and Anthony brought it to my attention so it’s new to me, that counts for something. It’s a song titled “Fry ]]>

Apparently this video by an artist with classical influences named “Ms. Peachez” came out in 2006. I hadn’t heard of it until recently when the heroes known as Opie and Anthony brought it to my attention so it’s new to me, that counts for something. It’s a song titled “Fry That Chicken.”

You see the problem is that Ms. Peachez doesn’t seem like some brilliant satirist. And when you’re kind of innocently doing a video like this, you not only make your people look bad, you also take a lot of the zing out of racism. What fun is it to accuse me of some fictional stereotype (let’s say that Chrises are known for their love of smearing peanut butter on their nipples) if I blindly make a video in which I sit in a bath tub rubbing peanut butter on my nipples, cleverly titled “P to the B for My Nippahz”? Not fun at all.

Just for the record, choosy peanut butter fetishists also choose Jif.

Or he’s dug too many open graves in his life. Either way this photo of him, Michelle Obama, and some tree-planting volunteers is pretty funny.

I’ve been really wavering on my faith in President Obama lately because, well, he’s basically every other President but in mocha ]]>

Or he’s dug too many open graves in his life. Either way this photo of him, Michelle Obama, and some tree-planting volunteers is pretty funny.

I’ve been really wavering on my faith in President Obama lately because, well, he’s basically every other President but in mocha skin and with more retard jokes. But his burgeoning anti-woman agenda can totally win me back. Let’s make them all dig holes and build houses and railroads! Except the sexy ones…they will be our servants and sexual servants. Hmm, this sounds a lot like my “Load fat girls into trucks and make them do the work of donkeys to stimulate the economy” plan. It brings a tear to my eye.

Also man, is Michelle Obama black or what. Not like, physically like Manute Bol where she could be mistaken for one of the shadow ghosts in Ghost, but that look on her face…you can almost hear the “Mhrmmmmm” and *snap snap snapppppp* leaping off the page.

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I’m not huge on posting macro-image photos, but this one is entirely too funny. I have no clue on the pretext (I think it’s something with Natalee Holloway’s disappearance) but, seriously, laugh aloud with me.

You see it’s funny because often there are white police officers ]]>

I’m not huge on posting macro-image photos, but this one is entirely too funny. I have no clue on the pretext (I think it’s something with Natalee Holloway’s disappearance) but, seriously, laugh aloud with me.

You see it’s funny because often there are white police officers arresting young black men and the white media chronicling it the whole way to ensure that the status quo remains. It’s a subtle take on the ingrained racism in our society which shows how crime and social defiance is correlated to the perceived power structure of the “dominant race” and the “oppressed race.” Lastly, it’s an absurdist look at our subconsciously racist perceptions which assume that the black man should be the one under arrest rather than the clean cut young white man.

On the other hand, this is also the only racist-ish image which can somehow offend the sensibilities of white people and black people alike. Yay Internet!

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I love racism, puppets, and mindless Christianity. What’s that you say, a video just for me? Why thank you!

Man that’s awesome to see all sorts of puppets getting together and overcoming their differences. So what if I’m a puppet with a headdress and you’re allegedly a black puppet ]]>

I love racism, puppets, and mindless Christianity. What’s that you say, a video just for me? Why thank you!

Man that’s awesome to see all sorts of puppets getting together and overcoming their differences. So what if I’m a puppet with a headdress and you’re allegedly a black puppet though you look kind of grayish (zombie perhaps?), we can all unite under our hatred for the Latino puppet. Oh, here he is. Um, yeah Jose, good to see you. Yeah, you can love Jesus too, I guess. Whatever. That guy’s still a dick. And I’m pretty sure he stole my puppet hubcaps.

[via]

I accidentally kept spelling the headline for this as “Rape Off,” which would have also been awesome but slightly more awkward to watch. The set-up is that Stephen Colbert challenged Michael Steele to a freestyle rap-off, Steele agreed and then…nothing. I expect more street cred from my Republican National Committee ]]>

I accidentally kept spelling the headline for this as “Rape Off,” which would have also been awesome but slightly more awkward to watch. The set-up is that Stephen Colbert challenged Michael Steele to a freestyle rap-off, Steele agreed and then…nothing. I expect more street cred from my Republican National Committee chairs.

I think it’s a great idea for the RNC to shift up their image, so it’s kind of a bummer that Steele won’t actually follow through on his agreement to go on the show and compete. I’m tired of seeing generic white guys always being the powerful Republican. It’s so cliche. So unless we’ve got a fload of black paint and a wealth of time and willing participants, we need to get some actual black people in there. I’m thinking 50 Cent would be a good new spokesman for the RNC. He’s got more money than 90% of them, I’m sure he hates the ridiculous amount of taxes government takes from the wealthy, and he’s been shot nine times. I don’t know about you, but if he were to tell me that the TARP plan was full of pork, I’d be like, “Yes sir!” and just hope he doesn’t rape me. Which is pretty much how every interaction I have with black people goes. Which makes my interviews with the New York Knicks often less substantive than I’d like.

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Via ChannelAte comes this old comic that amused me more than you could possibly understand.

I don’t get why women get so weird about blasting them in the face with a load. It’s just jizz. It’s not like it’s hot sauce in your ]]>

Via ChannelAte comes this old comic that amused me more than you could possibly understand.

I don’t get why women get so weird about blasting them in the face with a load. It’s just jizz. It’s not like it’s hot sauce in your eye. Unless you’re blowing a Latino guy I guess. They’re known for their spiciness and lack of ejaculatory accuracy. I’m pretty sure I made at least 50% of that up.

Via Dustinland comes this comic about what word could possibly be the most racist and simultaneously the least racist word of all.

I hate when spigots get all uppity like this. First they take our women, then they take all our athletic jobs ]]>

Via Dustinland comes this comic about what word could possibly be the most racist and simultaneously the least racist word of all.

I hate when spigots get all uppity like this. First they take our women, then they take all our athletic jobs and they contribute nothing to society besides crime and efficiently distributed water. I say we go leave some burning buckets on their yard and call it a day. I assume that’d be the racial equivalent for a bucket. I’m not good at racism though. I’d probably end up just encouraging its practices, like when I went to Mexico and chastised everyone for how easy it is to cross the border and how I bet they’d love all the jobs and healthcare in America. Apparently they don’t get el sarcasmo en Mexico.

Kitschy street art usually annoys me, but this photo I saw on Buzzfeed is just awesome in every way.

I’ve always wondered what made Mario think he was so special. He was pretty much a schmuck plumber in Brooklyn for his real life ]]>

Kitschy street art usually annoys me, but this photo I saw on Buzzfeed is just awesome in every way.

I’ve always wondered what made Mario think he was so special. He was pretty much a schmuck plumber in Brooklyn for his real life and all of a sudden he gets sucked into a toilet or some crap and thinks he’s a superhero. What if a black dude had gotten sucked into a toilet? Would the Princess have been horrified because she’s seen turtles and mushrooms and giant turtles and more f’ing turtles with wings walking around but never saw a black guy? And he’d have certainly been more athletic than an out-of-shape Italian dude so the game probably would have taken about 5 minutes to beat after you just punch a Goomba in the face and Bowser craps his pants (probably after angrily frothing while you yell things in a movie theatre). Also, just curious, but why did they have those power-ups locked into bricks so high off the ground? Who was using those before Mario? Did Bowser put them there just to f with the elfin people of Mushroom Kingdom but had no clue that someone tall enough to break them off would ever come? I have so many unanswered questions.

I don’t think it’s so far-fetched to say that Mushroom Kingdom is pretty much the worst place to be a human ever. It was like Princess Peach and a bunch of midgets. Which is great if you want to make the Mushroom Kingdom Olympic basketball team but doesn’t really embolden your view of humanity or offer you much of a selection on Match.com. Likes: Head with fungus attached. Dislikes: Apartments with high cabinets.

[original image via]

Poorly translated signs are easy to make fun of and kind of lazy. If you asked me to translate something to Chinese, it’d probably be something really racist or about sesame chicken. But still, this Taiwanese store name tickled my fancy.

According to

Poorly translated signs are easy to make fun of and kind of lazy. If you asked me to translate something to Chinese, it’d probably be something really racist or about sesame chicken. But still, this Taiwanese store name tickled my fancy.

According to Webtoid, the sign actually says:

黒 = Black
人 = Person
王 = King

Or possibly “King of the Black People” (depending upon colloquialism). Which is funny because I was pretty sure I was King of the Black People. I mean I don’t really have many black friends, but I wear FUBU and blast Eazy E while rolling down the streets of the Bronx in my hooptie and I haven’t gotten shot so I assumed that meant that they accepted me as their leader. Though that would explain why when I commanded a group of urban youths to attack a gentleman on the street, they just stared at me and continued reading Shakespeare. DON’T F WITH MY PERCEPTIONS OF ETHNICITY, YOU PRICKS.

[via]

A woman in Florida got in trouble with the police for calling 911 three times because a McDonald’s employee would not refund her money due to the restaurant not having McNuggets. You can hear all three calls below.

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When cops responded to the restaurant, ]]>

A woman in Florida got in trouble with the police for calling 911 three times because a McDonald’s employee would not refund her money due to the restaurant not having McNuggets. You can hear all three calls below.

When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, “This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.”

Goodman noted, “I called 911 because I couldn’t get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets,” according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report.

That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system.

Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, “this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency.

I enjoy food quite a bit. When you have a craving for something and you can’t get it, that sucks really bad. But maybe you can opt not to call the police when you can’t get your fried gelatinous chickenlike products. Now if they forget the honey mustard, that’s a completely different thing and I don’t blame you for prosecuting them to the fullest extents of the law. What am I going to use barbecue sauce LIKE A SAVAGE?!?

Also fill in the blank: Big shock that a ____er wouldn’t accept anything other than McNuggets. Answer: McDonald’s-lover! Oh your racism has failed you in riddle solving once again, just like the time the Times crossword puzzle said, “90% more likely to cause traffic accidents” and the answer was “TRUCK” as opposed to the slur for Chinese people you filled in.

[source]

If you were a nubile young man in 1909, you might have seen anti-liquor posters like this. Your reaction may not be what they intended.

Ironically, the only way you would ever want to f one of these beasts is if you were kneedeep in moonshine. ]]>

If you were a nubile young man in 1909, you might have seen anti-liquor posters like this. Your reaction may not be what they intended.

Ironically, the only way you would ever want to f one of these beasts is if you were kneedeep in moonshine. God the early 1900s sucked. Women didn’t f and they looked like this, everyone was poor, the Irish were everywhere, and odds are you’d end up with polio. And I’m pretty sure color didn’t exist back then from what I can tell from all of the old photos and videos. How could I entertain everyone with my spinning red bow tie? Savages.

And this is why a time machine will lead you to nothing but problems. You’d probably be all excited if you had one, then go back in the past and go, “Wait, why doesn’t my iPhone work?” And the answer is probably AT&T’s crapty reception if you went back anywhere in the past two years. Or, if you go back further in time, because where cell-phone towers are now, lynching trees were. And you’d be shocked to learn that racially oppressed black men don’t generate cell-phone signals as well as you’d think (which is why early designs for the cell-phone antenna quickly switched to plastic or metal rods from their severed black penises). To science!

I’m pretty cool with the word nigga and it’s “er” brother…it’s contributed to many catchy rap songs and has also helped to get my frustrations out at fast food establishments, in traffic, and during Knicks games. But a fake “news report” on NY1 News about the site

I’m pretty cool with the word nigga and it’s “er” brother…it’s contributed to many catchy rap songs and has also helped to get my frustrations out at fast food establishments, in traffic, and during Knicks games. But a fake “news report” on NY1 News about the site PresidentPlease.com (which is pretty clever I must say) seems more like an Onion News Network clip.

Ironically, I bet the news clip at the end about the crime being committed against an old lady in Brooklyn was also done by a dirty President. Damn Presidents can’t help but commit crimes.

New racial epithets are hard to come up with though. Like I tried to come up with one for Mexicans but I ended up just calling INS because it was so frustrating. Then they called me “chupador de las pingas” in return, which I assume means “Hero for America”. I don’t know for sure though because that wasn’t on the menu at Taco Bell.

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (our first two-time Comic of the Day, congrats to them on this utterly meaningless accomplishment) comes this gem about how you may not want to propose to the woman of your dreams.

A proposal mimicking this is even ]]>

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (our first two-time Comic of the Day, congrats to them on this utterly meaningless accomplishment) comes this gem about how you may not want to propose to the woman of your dreams.

A proposal mimicking this is even more awkward when your wife-to-be doesn’t have any experience at all with rectal examination. And it becomes eeeeeven more awkward when you have a large Nigerian man named Kinto pulling out the ring for you while he’s busy using his hands to file his nails. Sexy, but awkward.

From a dinner called “Empowerment for Africa” last night in NYC…

I know right, stunner..Kim Kardashian, black dudes, no way! But while it certainly makes sense that she wants to keep a growing pool of well-endowed, athletic black men feeling good about themselves, she probably could ]]>

From a dinner called “Empowerment for Africa” last night in NYC…

I know right, stunner..Kim Kardashian, black dudes, no way! But while it certainly makes sense that she wants to keep a growing pool of well-endowed, athletic black men feeling good about themselves, she probably could have gone about it in better ways. What could empower a group of black men more than going to this benefit in a pair of assless chaps or daisy dukes? She could have given the keynote speech and just started shaking her ass while people sprayed her with baby oil.

Just remember kids, when you’re trying to empower Africa, always use a condom. Same with Haiti. And Magic Johnson. And when you want to empower heroin addicts with a penchant for dirty needles. Silly heroin addicts, haven’t you heard of bleach cleaner?