Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends and holidays to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Making a good Super Bowl commercial is hard. It takes months, if not years, of planning and research to make people remember your company’s ad. Conversely, 30 seconds of awfulness can make people remember you too, but for all the wrong reasons. Here are seven ads which definitely fall into the latter category.

6 Christopher Reeve walking – Nuveen Investments, 2000
In 2000, paralyzed former Superman star Christopher Reeve “appeared” in this commercial. The message was that in the future, a whole lot of crazy crap is going to happen. Including, apparently, Christopher Reeve’s head being grafted to the body of a giant.

The goal of the commercial was to touch the hearts of Americans everywhere. Instead, everyone just kind of went, “Uh, that was creepy” and awkwardly took a bite out of their chicken wings. Oh also no one had any clue what Nuveen Investments did either because the commercial was really vague and almost made Nuveen Investments seem like an evil corporation from the future. Probably like the one that made Robocop.

5 Meet the official Holiday Inn transsexual – Holiday Inn, 1997
The gist of this commercial was that being a man getting a sex change was basically what Holiday Inn was doing to their hotels. Why this would make you want to stay there, no one was really sure, but if it’s good enough for Seinfeld’s Kenny Banya, it’s good enough for me.

The commercial was universally disliked and even resulted in some boycotts from various gay/transsexual/transgender groups. Probably not even for the hurtful depiction of their people, but rather for the tremendous slap in the face of being compared to a Holiday Inn.

4 White guys hunt down Kenyan, give him shoes – Just for Feet, 1999
There are few situations in which white men hunting down a black guy is going to make for a nicely received ad. This ad falls in line with that bold theorem on my part.

The premise if you’re too lazy to click: A Kenyan guy is walking around, being barefoot and Kenyan when some white guys in a Hummer drug him, capture him, then put sneakers on him. Eventually, he gets up all wobbly and runs, trying to free himself from these strange objects on his feet. The ad was so poorly received that it got a feature story on how bad it was on Salon.com, got the ad agency behind it sued (Saatchi & Saatchi, the agency in question, would countersue for Just for Feet’s ineptitude), and had a hand in Just for Feet’s bankruptcy later that year. So yeah, that turned out well.

3 Lemmings – Apple, 1985
In 1984, Apple had what some have called the most amazing commercial ever with their cleverly titled ad “1984”, a name which no one has ever been able to decipher the meaning of. Amidst pressure to possibly match that ad, they came up with another artistic bizarre ad that, well, sucked. Hard.

The commercial was so poorly reviewed that Apple stayed away from Super Bowl ads until 1999. And to make the indignities suffered to viewers worse, this is the one Apple commercial that has a bunch of people dying gruesome deaths, yet Justin Long and his smug Mac-loving face are nowhere to be found. Bastards.

2 Salesgenie.com and their racist panda bears – Salesgenie.com, 2008
After a 2007 Super Bowl ad universally rated as the worst one of the year, Salesgenie.com came back determined to make more awful ads that would stick with viewers for being so awful. Seriously, they even distributed a press release about it. Well they can wipe their hands thusly because this certainly proved to be a job well done.

It may shock you to learn that this ad never ran again amidst protests from Asian groups for A) Being racist and B) Finding a way to make pandas seem utterly annoying (do you know how hard that is? Look at this guy!). Also I fail to see how pandas could be running a profitable business, particularly when it’s a business selling furniture made of their favorite food. I’d find myself wholly incapable of selling Hamburger Chairs so it wouldn’t be fair to expect more from my cartoon pandas.

1 Fred Astaire dances with vacuums – Dirt Devil, 1997
I don’t think this was the first in the tacky “Dead Guy Sells Product” type of ads, but it was definitely one of the earlier ones. And what better way to honor probably the only masculine dancer ever than by putting a vacuum in his hands.

Well, the thing with Mincecraft is this: if you build it, they will tear it down and/or steal it. There’s several ways of keeping other people’s grubby (and blocky) mitts off of your gear, but check out the best one, at least for lazy folk…

Minecraft is also about teamwork and a little bit of know how. Check out these idiots trying to make a swastika but failing miserably. Like seriously, I’ve never created one in my entire life… got no reason to… but I could do a better job, on the first try, even with the monitor off…

The money shot comes at 3:05 when our Mexican protagonist has a debate with some white guy waiting for the train. The Mexican’s main argument? “Not because you’re white…because you’re..practical issues. You..growl..about how..we want to live our lives.” It’s so eloquent. It’s like I’m seeing the Mexican Americans’ moment of civil rights. This is their “I Have a Dream” speech. Sure, maybe it’s not as eloquent. And maybe the guy should not treat honky like it’s a word with any cultural weight other than making white people go, “Hmm, yeah, that’s a word alright.” But this guy’s got passion. Gusto. Tequila. Colorful hats. Even more colorful papier-mâché animals filled with delicious candy.

Viva la revolucion del hombres gordos con nada para decir pero tienen shortos del cargo!!!!

As you know if you follow me on Twitter, I’m a USC alum. So any opportunity I have to publicly teabag UCLA, I’m all on board with. But it’s not in my nature to side against decent looking white blonde girls (I’m socially progressive like that), so you could imagine how difficult this is for me.

However, you really can’t watch this video and not feel uncomfortable. “Ahhhhh ching chong ling long ting tong” followed by half-hearted tsunami jokes? If you want to go after Asian people hard, fine. They, like every group of people in society, suck in a wide variety of ways. But this whole entitled white chick thing of, “Well, I mean no disrespect but here’s a bunch of wildly disrespectful things. Anywho, I’d say this about anybody, you guys!” doesn’t really make it right. Especially at UCLA. I’ve been to UCLA. There are definitely more Asian people than there are spoiled white girls (come to good ol’ SC for the latter, kids!) so I wouldn’t be shocked to find this girl diced up and in a take-home of moo goo gai pan sometime soon.

I’d still hit it though. And make her do the silly Asian voice during it. Sex isn’t good unless it shames your partner and degrades an entire sector of society, I say.

UPDATE: A UCLA spokesperson responded to the video to school paper The Daily Bruin this morning, calling it “repugnant” and saying:

“The comments on there are contrary to the values the university believes in.”

The girl, now identified as former aspiring model Alexandra Wallace, is going to be up for university review.

DOUBLE UPDATE: COED Magazine unearthed Wallace’s bikini modeling photos. You can view them here. You know, for science.

VIDEO: UCLA Student Rants Against Asians’ Cell-Phone Habits [BroBible]

I like how after she calls him the N word, she then says that it’s okay if she calls him that back in response. Gee lady, that’s so kind of you. I don’t know how the Nobel Peace Prize committee won’t be banging down her doors after this clip goes viral.

Save your racism, lady. You know, for better places, like inside your car, or muttered under your breath when the Knicks aren’t playing well.

A black judge from western Pennsylvania rejected a plea agreement for a man accused of fighting with police during a traffic stop, saying it was “a ridiculous plea that only goes to white boys.”

The plea agreement was for a sentence of three months probation. Allegheny County Judge Joseph Williams said on Tuesday that a black defendant in that situation would not have been treated as leniently.

In court, Williams told Assistant District Attorney Brian Catanzarite that he “for some reason comes up with I think ridiculous pleas whenever it’s a young white guy,” according to The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. “I’m just telling you what my observation is. If this had been a black kid who did the same thing, we wouldn’t be talking about three months’ probation.”

You know, it’s kind of a weird thing. Like obviously the whole cotton thing was a big part of race relations in this country, so it’s certainly noteworthy enough to bring little kids to. At the same time, bringing small kids with no concept of slavery to a cotton field and telling them they can pick away seems like a shortsighted idea because they don’t understand the gravity of the situation. It’s like buying a three-year-old Jewish kid an Auschwitz conductor hat and laughing as he runs around the house making choo-choo noises.

Kendall on Sharecropping [YouTube]

This video is ugly, and not just because it’s the worst wet t-shirt contest I’ve ever seen. To have someone call a person “nigger” so brazenly for no reason…well, that’s never a good thing. But at the same time, it’s beautiful in a way because it shows how far we’ve come as a society.. A fat woman with a disability (or laziness) is being sprayed by a hose with a black man and the black man is the one in the right. Try going back in a time machine and explaining that to a person of any color in the 1960s. They’d probably think there was an alien invasion. Then they’d see your iPhone and attempt to burn you alive. But still, the look of surprise on their face may be all worth it.

In the National Passport Center’s defense, that is a pretty poorly colored photo. But at the same time, you can’t go around saying that Asian people “look too yellow.” Unless you’re a licensed doctor in China specializing in vitamin deficiencies, particularly those related to scurvy. In which case, that’s a long way to go for a joke, man. I admire the dedication, but you could have just thrown a pie or something. Just for future reference.

My friend just received the best passport application rejection in history [pic] [Reddit]

Well, in Bill O’Reilly’s defense, cocaine dealers are known for their crisp suits, well-spoken viewpoints, and that they’re usually the only black men around him. So, he’s not entirely incorrect.

Ideally, this video would have ended like the last media appearance I can recall of a black cocaine dealer, with Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck facing opposite directions, pressed up against one another with a plastic cylindrical object in between them while a table of men throw money at them and yell “ASS TO ASS! ASS TO ASS!” Now that’s a no spin zone.

I don’t have enough details on this story yet (if you have them, leave it in the comments), but my “Somebody’s going to claim this is racism” sense is tingling. Then again, given that there are probably five black people in Wisconsin and four of them play for the Packers really doesn’t reflect well on the racial sensitivity of the state. If this were a white kid, the cops would probably say, “Knock it off youuuuu,” tussle his hair, give him a cheesehead hat and call it a day.

Anyway, personally, I think this girl is a morbidly obese, loudmouth douchebag, but you have to admire that she doesn’t change her tone at all, even while she’s flat on her stomach (well, as flat as she can be given her physical composition). It’d be courageous if she weren’t so grating and unattractive in literally every possible way. Her mouth never stopped running for a second, emboldened perhaps by the marathon-training-esque years of eating to the point of complete dental exhaustion. And they say obesity doesn’t provide you with an adequate workout.

Black shoppers in a Wal-Mart in New Jersey, were asked a favor from a male voice on an intercom Sunday night.

“Attention Wal-Mart customers: All black people leave the store now,” a male voice calmly announced to the entire store.

Officials of Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. are reviewing security tapes trying to determine who used the southern New Jersey store’s public-address system to make this ridiculous announcement.

Company spokeswoman Ashley Hardie says the incident was “unacceptable.” The retailer is looking to prevent other asinine comments from happening in the future.

My guess? It had to be that smiley face mascot jerk. He’s already shown he has no regard for Wal-Mart’s business, lowering prices to levels so cheap that you’d be insane not to buy. Plus he pretty clearly seems to hate black people. See how he tips his cap to the older white women but simply ignores the black people in this commercial? All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t be shocked if Wal-Mart had a few burning cross specials under the bouncing smiley face guy’s stewardship.

“Attention Wal-Mart Customers: All Black People Leave the Store Now” [CBS News]

Click for full-size

*awkward silence*

I’m not entirely sure what the postcards are going for. Since they’re using little kids, I guess it’s supposed to be “cute,” but I’m not entirely sure how calling a child a racial epithet is adorable. Now a child calling an adult a racial epithet…file that one under “Maybe.” But only if directed at an Eskimo or a Swede.

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Visit any of the nation’s more than 100 historically black colleges or universities and you’ll see clusters of men and women engaged in the rhythmic clapping and foot stomping routines known in black Greek circles as “stepping.”

Now a white Arkansas team’s win in an Atlanta step competition has started a fiery debate over the African-inspired tradition and whether the integration of a once-ethnically exclusive activity constitutes a form of cultural theft.

“What has happened is black youth culture, what people would call hip hop, sort of made black culture accessible and appealing to all kinds of people,” said Walter Kimbrough, president of historically black Philander Smith College in Little Rock, Ark., and an expert on black Greek life. “It really now has become an American experience.”

The uproar began when the all-white Zeta Tau Alpha team from the University of Arkansas beat out five other sorority teams to win last weekend’s national final in the Sprite Step Off competition. A YouTube video of their performance, inspired by the movie “The Matrix,” generated hundreds of comments.

“Good Job but let the Black folks have their own thing for once!!!” wrote one commenter posting under the name “titetowers” who said the Zeta Tau Alpha team did well but should not have won.

Online debate rages over white group’s step win [Associated Press]

Colorado was the first state to make Martin Luther King’s birthday a holiday, and the annual Marade, the march/parade in his honor, is the largest in the country.

So how does Denver Public Schools mark this august occasion? By offering a lunch menu on January 15 — the same day the city hosts the 25th annual Martin Luther King Jr. Business Social Responsibility Awards — that’s billed as “In Honor of M.L.King,” and features “Southern Style” chicken, collard greens and sweet potatoes.

Yesterday, DPS apologized for the menu, which was “highly insensitive in light of certain hurtful stereotypes still harbored in parts of our society,” according to a statement posted on the district’s web site.

[Westword]

Math can be difficult for children to understand, that’s why teachers often attempt to tie in relatable concepts like “Billy has 7 apples and he lights 2 apples on fire for some reason. How many apples would Billy have if he weren’t retarded?” But how else can kids relate to math? Racism in their homework!

When she was helping her son with his homework Saturday night, a Central Bucks mother noticed something that surprised and shocked her.

“I couldn’t understand what I was looking at,” said the woman, whose identity the newspaper has agreed not to disclose.

It was a work sheet called “Solving Equations using Multiplication and Division!” and it featured a photo of a black man wearing a straw hat, shirt and suspenders, with his mostly toothless mouth wide open. As if to underscore the man’s stupidity, at the bottom of the picture was written, “No wai!!!”

The mother learned that her son, the only black student in his eighth-grade pre-algebra class at Lenape Middle School, was teased by another student when the assignment was distributed.

“One of the kids in the classroom turned around and said, ‘Is that your father?’ ” she said.

[The Intelligencer]

People in Australia have been calling for the removal of a cookie called “Creole Creams,” which gets its name from the ethnic term for people with a mixed race background. The analogy made in the quote of an Aboriginal spokesperson does not sound like a delicious cookie at all.

A “racist” biscuit is to be taken off Australian supermarket shelves but its creator insists the move is part of a brand overhaul rather than a response to accusations of bigotry.

Creole Creams are chocolate biscuits with white cream filling, similar to the popular US cookie Oreos.

Deputy director of the University of Queensland’s Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander studies unit Sam Watson told brisbanetimes.com.au that the biscuit name had echoes of Nazism.

“The word Creole comes from a period when people’s humanity was measured by the amount of white blood they had in their bloodstream,” he was quoted as saying.

“This is the same kind of thought that underpinned horrific regimes like the Nazis.”

[ninemsn]

Well that’s good. At least he has well-informed and well-spoken opinions. It’s always good when your opinion on race relations is a hillbilly derivative of a Chris Rock bit.

My favorite part of the video is the brand new Confederate flag behind his head (you can see the folds from it being freshly hung up). This is like the redneck equivalent of your black friend who goes to college, takes one African American Studies class and all of a sudden feels oppressed. Dude, your dad’s a doctor and your mom is a successful saleswoman…that black power fist at the Olympics poster doesn’t necessarily ring true with your American experience.

One of the most powerful figures in the Anglican Church believes that Africa is under attack from Islam and that Muslims are “mass-producing” children to take over communities on the continent.

Archbishop Nicholas Okoh, 56, was elected Primate of Nigeria last week and his elevation could exacerbate tensions at a time when Anglicans are working to build bridges with Muslims. Dr Michael Nazir-Ali resigned as Bishop of Rochester earlier this year to work in countries where Islam is the majority religion.

“They come to Africans and say, ‘Christianity is asking you to marry only one wife. We will give you four!’ ” Archbishop Okoh described this as “evangelism by mass-production”.

He said: “That is the type of evangelism they are doing: mass-production, so if you have four wives, four children, sixteen children, very soon you will be a village.”

[Timesonline]

It seems to me like this was a bit fake…he just appears when the camera is panned away to increase shock value and then everyone is like “Oh no he di’n't!” and then people think, “Oh that Kanye, he’s so unpredictable and edgy” and Taylor Swift is like “Hey, now y’all remember me for something other than being lucky enough to take a face full of Jonas Brother splooge” while the MTV people go, “Yessssss, talk about us” while clad in a black cape concealed in darkness.

But yeah, if it’s real, that look of terror on Taylor Swift’s face would definitely be the main giveaway. That’s the “We don’t have no one who looks like you in my town” type of face that To Kill A Mockingbird was based on.