The world’s largest brewer by sales said the show will feature amateurs competing in sports, such as baseball, soccer and stock-car racing, as well as other fields, including music and cooking.

Yeah, that should be a perfect substitute for college football. You have to take my negative attitude with a silo full of salt because I hate reality TV, but the genre is obviously popular. Someone out there must love them because there hundreds if not 1000+ different shows.

AB-InBev developed this idea because no one wants to drink their flagship beer anymore, and they assume that this sort of branded entertainment will encourage people to do so. Because it’s on ABC, the contestants aren’t allowed to drink. Instead they will rely on product placement, including a final victory celebration. Call me a skeptic if you’d like, but I don’t think hoisting a Bud Heavy can after winning a pointless contest is going to encourage me to go out and buy their beer. And they can put as many people wearing Bud shirts in the stands as they want, but it’s not going to change my opinion or taste buds.

Now you may be thinking this is a great way to get essentially free advertising. Nope, Chuck Testa think again. They are paying ABC to air the show. That essentially means that Budweiser has resorted to running hour-long infomercials. You now officially have my permission to lump the beer brand in with The Gazelle, Total Gym, Magic Bullet, and of course, Slap Chop.

via WSJ

Who knows, maybe they did blow him when they got to the audition room. It may be hard to judge your singing talents when the lyrics you’re spitting sound like “Mmmpphrhrhhhglugglug” but it’d still be better than the Australian equivalent of the “Pants on the Ground” dude.

It’s pretty inexcusable to make a mistake like that, obviously. Especially when you can just look at the two women and guess who’d win. Really, the short anorexic girl who looks vaguely like Rizzo the Rat from the Muppets didn’t finish in first place? I’m shocked.

Attention virgins: Director Justin Sisely wants to make a documentary about male and females that are willing share their first time having sex and sell it to a national audience. You won’t be a prostitute because it’s not like you’re selling your body for money. And it’s not like you’ll be filming at a brothel. Wait, those two things are exactly what’s happening.

Justin Sisely has spent more than a year recruiting male and female virgins willing to auction themselves on camera.

However, he faces being charged with prostitution if he goes ahead with the deal on Australian soil.

I dunno if this director is just completely daft or simply doesn’t completely understand the definition of the word “prostitute.” He’ll be paying each contestant $20,000 for their services and 90% of whatever price each “contestant” is sold for at auction. The other 10% will go to– wait for it– a Nevada brothel where the show is being held. Yeah, there is going to be a face-to-face auction at a Nevada brothel.

No this isn’t prostitution, it’s art! But try telling mom and dad that. Apparently that’s the hardest part for the director. Turns out that people don’t want to see their sons and daughters sell their bodies for money on national television. According to one contestant, this doesn’t technically mean she’s a prostitute though.

“Technically I’m selling my virginity for money, technically that would be classified as prostitution, but it’s not going to be a regular thing, so in my head I can justify that I’m not going to be a prostitute,” she said.

Except for that one time where you received money for having sexual intercourse with that gentleman at the brothel in Nevada…

Director Justin Sisely auctions off Aussie virginities [News.com Australia]

In a business in which your main job is to A) Look pretty and B) Not fall, these are pretty tough obstacles to overcome. The only way her presentation could have been less sexy is if she got scared by the gong and sharted herself. Even then, at least a percentage of the audience would have been like, “Mmmm, that works for me.” You can identify these people by them being covered with tarps like they were front row at a Gallagher show.

America’s Next Top Model Double Fail [Buzzfeed]

An obscene snow sculpture built in the center of downtown Truckee by a crew producing an MTV reality show has angered town officials and residents.

“It was a giant penis with water shooting out,” said downtown merchant Stefani Olivieri, whose store is directly across the street from the historic train depot where the sculpture was built. “It was not appropriate. There were a lot of children around.”

The sculpture was unveiled Saturday afternoon, March 6. The crew was shooting a segment for a new reality series called “The Dudesons,” which features extreme stunts and offbeat pranks in the style of the popular series “Jackass.”

Town Manager Tony Lashbrook did not respond to messages from News10, but told Truckee’s Sierra Sun newspaper that at least two company representatives insisted under direct questioning that the sculpture would be tasteful.

MTV reality show sculpture angers Truckee officials [News10 (you can also see "censored' video of the statue there)]

Reality TV is what happens when networks decide the brainpower behind “The Young And The Restless” is too expensive. Executives realized that they could just feed the idiot public their own stupid bodies, in what’s basically “Soylent Green With Cameras”. Which makes it especially tragic when “celebrities” indulge: either because you don’t want to see them doing that, or because of what now counts as a “celebrity.”

1. Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Wrestling

Hulk Hogan selling himself for fake wrestling is tragic it’s not a last gasp at fame, it’s just a pay cut.

Watching Hulk coaching Screech from Saved By The Bell is like seeing Optimus Prime pull over on a streetcorner to start dealing pot. Everyone else on the show obviously needs the money: we’ve got three ex-child stars, three ex-playboy models, a Bewitched actress and someone whose only claim to fame is “related to a real famous person”. It’s the perfect cast for the first show to realise “The audience really wants to watch these people being beaten.”

Left: The amazing miniature game show host and former WCW President. Right: Jimmy Hart, who was known as “The Wimp” even when he was popular, twenty years ago.

What he should be doing: Hulk Hogan remains the most ripped over fifty not currently trapped inside Bruce Banner, even though he hired two scale model humans to stand near him every time he’s on camera. He should still be WWE’s central star – the idea that Hulk’s age is the one terrible truth that shatters the fans’ belief in wrestling? That’s like believing in Transformers until you find out Shia LaBeouf is an actor.

2. Chuck Liddell, Dancing With The Stars

We’re telling you, this time last year you would have been terrified of that man.

It’s hard to imagine a worse fate than Chuck Liddell’s, and this is a man whose best days were “Being attacked by barely-trained killers”. The ex-UFC champion started Dancing With The Stars: Lucifer didn’t fall so far, or so fast, or into such an excruciating torture pit. The knife was really twisted (and revealed to be covered in leprosy) when he was eliminated last week – meaning that a panel of independent judges have announced that Sabrina The Teenage Witch is better at some physical activities than him.

We’re fairly sure he preferred being punched in the dick

What he should be doing: He’s an ex-champion unarmed combat expert barred from his career by a judges decision and with nothing nothing to lose. The fact he hasn’t been paired with a by-the-books cop in a vital undercover investigation means at least three drug lords remain free and un-thrown-through-plate-glass today.

3. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

This isn’t a TV show, this is an attempt at one of those world records Guinness refuses to cover

In the first episode of her own show Tila dates thirty two people in one night – the stars of “Biggy Titty Gang Bang 17″ didn’t go through that many, and maintained more dignity during the proceedings. Miss Tequila is the odd one out on this list: with the others it’s a shame for them that they sank so low; with her it’s shame on the species that she rose so high. It’s hard to get across how cheap Tila is without giving you chlamydia. This is a porn star on MySpace who wasn’t a spambot – it was actually less expensive to have her promote herself.

What she should be doing: Tila Tequila should be studied by scientists, because if we can cure whatever happened to her we’ll evolve into a race of perfect energy beings. She’s like a plague sample of everything wrong with modern society. Failing that, she could save scientists money by helping them study black holes: tell her there’s a movie role on the table and she’ll suck them so hard she ruptures reality.

4. Jason Acuña, Armed And Famous

This could be a poster for a new Police Academy movie and STILL be better

We are not making this up: Someone decided that an Oompa-Loompa whose entire job description was “Being abused by teenage assholes, often with fish or planks, and kicking himself in the head” should be given a gun and set loose on a small town. Repeat: not making this up. Double repeat: none of it, not even the ridiculously offensive “Oompa-Loompa” bit which he did himself for Jackass.

Defend the second amendment now, we dare you.

What he should be doing: Anything but this.

5. Mr T, I Pity The Fool

For a guy, seeing Mr T doing reality TV is like the Pope finding that Lo, The Second Coming Is Become Word, And He The Son Of God Is Bagging Your Groceries. What makes it most tragic is he’s far and away the most professional of everyone on this list: he knows exactly what he’s doing, and he knows exactly how much he needs the money. There’s none of Tila’s confusion of this being real fame, none of Dustin Diamond’s insane delusion that he’ll ever be known as anything but Screech – Mr T doesn’t let a single second pass unpitied. It’s his catchphrase, it’s the name of the show, and every time he’s on screen it’s because there’s a fool in pitiable range.

This is a broke ex-millionaire fifty-seven year old who can jog into a car dealership wearing a tracksuit, on a mission to help them sell more cars for a reality show, and still pity other people.

What he should be doing: The instant time machines are invented we’re travelling back to 1984 to appear during an A-Team commercial break. “Send us your lunch money!” we’ll say, “We’ve come from the future to save Mr T!”

H/t to FanIQ for the video

First off, yes, she looks like a gremlin. In fact, I’m positive she isn’t even a woman.

Second, its starting to leak how Tila actually became famous. Over at Holy Taco, they have exclusive info on how Tila came to be on the cover of Stuff Magazine:

Back in 2005, the editor-in-chief of Stuff magazine wanted to capitalize on the popularity of the Internet. He called down to the online department and said, “Hey, tell me who has a lot of Myspace friends…

So, the online guy took 10 seconds (honestly, 10 seconds) and found a girl with an assload of MySpace friends.

See how close we were to not having Tila Tequila in our lives. One stupid decision by a guy who seemingly knew nothing about the internet.

That man’s name is Jimmy Jellinek by the way. If you see him or if by chance you know him, please punch him in the balls for me.