Jew Or Not A Jew was pretty simple: it displayed pictures of various celebrities, and you had to guess if they were Jewish or not. Long-time fans of Saturday Night Live might recall a parody game show that was built around the same premise, as does Kotaku. Though I believe the concept may have originated on the Howard Stern Show, back during his K-Rock days.

Consider it satire, consider it racist. If you fall in the later category, there’s a good chance that you’re a French lawmaker. Apparently if they find something racist, they go after you legally. It was pulled from the French iTunes App Store back in September, but was still available in other parts of the word, like here in North America. But that wasn’t good enough, so avoid legal persecution, its created decided to pull it from across the board.

So, is the game actually racist? Maybe? Though the man who made it is a Jew, Johann Levy, and he certainly didn’t think so: “As a Jew myself I know that in our community we often ask whether a such-and-such celebrity is Jewish or not.” I think now might be a good time to mention how my South Korean mother used to refer to other Asians as Orientals, as did many from her generation, for the longest time. It was no big deal, until you white people somehow decided it was an offense term.

This sorta reminds me of Smuggle Truck, which faced similar ire by those who felt the premise, in which you try to help get Mexicans cross the border, was also insensitive…

This one is slightly harder to defend, since the guys who made it are clearly white dudes, yet it’s also clearly satire. Something that Apple didn’t get, hence why the game was never even accepted into the App Store in the first place. Which led the creators to re-work the title into Snuggle Truck and the Mexicans replaced with teddy bears. This time, Apple gave it a pass. Hilarious, I know. If one is interested, they can purchase the PC and Mac version, which includes both. All interested parities should head on over to here.

Well, what was once a $2 a pop app is now totally free, which caused the game’s popularity to completely explode. To the tune of 1.3 million downloads in just 9 days after it adopted its freemium model, according to Joystiq. Not bad at all! Still, I’d rather pick up the un-tampered version. Which, btw, has a “Legal Immigration” mode to direct the critics…

As noted in the past, I love it whenever religion and gaming mix. And once more, Pokemon invariably gets mentioned, the following dude also touches upon several other titles…

Not sure about you, but I was super confused when the woman brought up “something new”, that being Guitar Hero, which leads one to believe that it’s another older clip, and then something very recent is immediately mentioned, i.e. Minecraft?

Gotta love how deadly serious the guy is. Sorry pal, but there’s LOTS of reasons why folks aren’t reading the Bible as much these days.

I also love how one of the most benign, least aggressive games out there today, one that also happens to encourage creativity like nothing else to boot, is also still evil. Jesus Christ.

And it sucks that they guy who captured the footage missed the part about Star Wars figures magically becoming full size. Sounds like a hoot. Oh well.

”Pokemon are ‘oriental demons’ and ‘demonic’” [GoNintendo]

The author in question btw is William Bennett, who was the U.S. secretary of education during President Regan… remember, ketchup is a vegetable kids… and the director of the Office of National Drug Control Policy under President Bush Sr, which means he’s yet another guy who supposedly has all the answers, but couldn’t do jack himself.

The editorial in question can be found here. Entitled “Why men are in trouble”, it starts off with him citing that women are finally getting the same education and equal pay as men, plus other examples of the gender barrier slowly but surely breaking down. Which has him exhibiting a “that’s cool… but not really” attitude. lol.

So what does he (mostly) blame? Video games, like all conservative pundits, naturally…

“Today, 18-to- 34-year-old men spend more time playing video games a day than 12-to- 17-year-old boys. While women are graduating college and finding good jobs, too many men are not going to work, not getting married and not raising families. Women are beginning to take the place of men in many ways. This has led some to ask: do we even need men?

Movies are filled with stories of men who refuse to grow up and refuse to take responsibility in relationships. Men, some obsessed with sex, treat women as toys to be discarded when things get complicated. Through all these different and conflicting signals, our boys must decipher what it means to be a man, and for many of them it is harder to figure out.”

Yeah, because men only began objectifying women in 1985, when Super Mario Bros came out, yup. As further evidence, he notes that he knows way too many young women that ask where all the decent single men have gone to. Really William, you talk with that many young single women? Seems kind of… I don’t know… odd. But anyway, what’s his solution? Why what the Founding Fathers believed in! And that’s being industriousness (nothing wrong with that), marriage (ummm… okay), and religion (whatever dude).

BTW, regarding his call for dudes to get off the couch, put the controller down, and get a job; I know plenty of dudes who spend all day long playing because they can’t find one! And they’d give their left nut for a job, ANY job. Sorry William, but when you spend hours upon hours sending emails to prospective employers via Craiglist, knowing full well that no one will respond, and especially after eating instant noodles for the 15th day in a row, it’s amazing how a few short and sweet hours in Halo can do wonders for the soul.

Kotaku got the first dibs on this story: when Brittany Wampler from Maryland purchased two used NESs on eBay, one had the image of J.C. himself on the top of the console: “We were inspecting it for cracks/damage and when we turned it just right into the light, the image showed up… Our reaction was mainly curiosity at first. Then as we looked at it closer and ruled out what it couldn’t be, we began to get excited about it.”

She then explains that there’s no discernible difference between the surface of the image and the surrounding plastic. It’s clearly not point, nor a sticker, and is “basically infused” onto the plastic. Weird. Kotaku asked for photographic evidence, and they believe what they received was not Photoshopped. Furthermore, when Wampler asked when it all meant, she replied with: “I was raised religious, but I haven’t made up my mind really… I would say I believe in the possibility.”

And unlike most other religious kooks who becomes super seriously when the Holy Spirt magically appears on their toast, this lady at least has a sense of humor: “If it is Jesus, I think we can finally put the big question to bed…What Would Jesus Play?” And truth be told, if Christ ever appeared on my Dreamcast, I’d probably become a Bible thumper overnight, so kudos to this lady!

I don’t know that I’d personally think there are many “nu thangs” that God is doing. Locusts and convincing dudes to murder their sons seems fairly classic to me.

That said, I would not be opposed to owning an adult sized version of this kid’s “Jesus Is Lord” shirt. People would get it’s ironic, right? I mean, nothing against Jesus. He’s cool. I just don’t think I’d legitimately want to advocate his job on my shirts. Maybe when he wears a “Chris Writes about Little Weird Kids for a Living without Being a Pederast” shirt, then we can talk.

Enjoy the Christian Youth Remix of ‘Nu Thang’ [Vulture]

Picking up where I left off last time, here we have some pastor explaining to his congregation of the evils of Pokemon…

… He does have a point. I remember when I finally beat Pokemon Yellow years back, I immediately killed my pet cat.

Anyhow, sentiment above explains the following; an unapproved by Nintendo SNES game that takes Wolfenstein 3D and replaces Nazis with farm animals. Instead of blasting them away with firearms, you slingshot fruits and grains to pacify them…

… It’s the product of Wisdom Tree, an outfit that produced all sorts of unofficial and unsanctioned, God friendly games. Mostly for the NES and one sole SNES title, the one you see above.

Too bad they never moved onto the PlayStation and the like. If they did, I’d imagine they’d produce something similar to Zoo Race. I won’t bother explaining the premise, and instead will let the video do the talking…

… Best voice of God EVER. BTW, for those who wish to purchase a copy of the game can do so here. Gotta love their tagline: “Buy the FUN game that the big game companies would not ever make.”

Okay, by now pretty much the whole world knows that Ricky Gervais is an atheist (and thank God for that). However, he is by far the only non-believer in the world of Hollywood. While fellow atheists such as Seth MacFarlane, David Cross and Sarah Silverman may not surprise you, there are numerous big celebs that you may not know are atheist. Here are 15 of them…

15 Katharine Hepburn
Yep, that’s right. The American Film Institute’s “Greatest Female Star” in the history of American cinema was an atheist. In a 1991 interview with Ladies’ Home Journal, Ms. Hepburn stated, “I’m an atheist, and that’s it. I believe there’s nothing we can know except that we should be kind to each other and do what we can for people.”

14 Brangelina
We can count Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie as one person, right? According to Brad Pitt, he is “probably 20 percent atheist and 80 percent agnostic.” Proving that married people typically share in the same beliefs, Angelina has made statements that also depict her disbelief in God.

13 Paul Giamatti
Paul Giamatti is one of today’s greatest character actors. During his career, he has won 26 different awards, including an Emmy and a Golden Globe (for John Adams). One can only assume none of his acceptance speeches included a shout-out to the man upstairs.

12 Sir Ian McKellen
“THOUGH SHALL NOT PASS”… into the gates of heaven because they don’t exist. Or, at least so believes Sir Ian Mckellen. As Ian himself puts it, “I’m an atheist. So God, if She exists, isn’t really a part of my life.”

11 Woody Allen
Woody Allen has had a couple great and memorable quips that pertain to his atheism. For example, “If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”

10 Hugh Laurie
You’ll find a lot more British celebrities who are atheist (or at least willing to admit it) than American celebrities. Hugh Laurie is a case in point. Not only is his television character, Dr. Gregory House, a self-proclaimed atheist, but so too is the actor himself.

9 Daniel Radcliffe
Yet another British atheist. Actually, I’m sure this comes at no surprise to those Christians who believe Harry Potter books and magic in general are tools of the devil. According to Radcliffe, “I’m an atheist, but I’m very relaxed about it.”

8 Keanu Reeves
Is ‘sad Keanu’ so sad because he has nothing to look forward to once his life here on earth is over? Probably not. In interviews Keanu seems perfectly content with his conclusion that God does not exist.

7 Gene Wilder
Celebrities from the older generations of Hollywood who ‘come out’ as atheist are typically more surprising than all those hedonistic young kids growing up in Hollywood these days. In a 2005 interview, the original (and best) Willie Wonka told a reporter, “Well, I’m a Jewish-Buddhist-Atheist, I guess.”

6 Daniel Day-Lewis
Actually, Daniel Day-Lewis considers himself an agnostic. This fact means that he believes the existence of a God is currently impossible to know. As such, he chooses to suspend his judgment on deciding whether or not one (or many) exists.

5 Julianne Moore
During a 2002 interview on Inside the Actor’s Studio, James Lipton asked Julianne Moore what God would say to her when she appeared before him at the pearly gates. She replied, “Well, I guess you were wrong, because I do exist.”

4 James Lipton
Speaking of James Lipton, Tom Cruise once turned Lipton’s famous “God at the pearly gates” question around on him. In response to the question Lipton answered in a similar manner as Julianne Moore, “You see Jim, you were wrong. I exist, but you may come in anyway.”

3 Roger Ebert
According to the world’s most famous TV critic (sorry, Gene Shalit), “I have never said, although readers have freely informed me, that I am an atheist, agnostic, or at the very least a secular humanist – which I am.”

2 Bruce Lee
When considering the master martial artistry of Bruce Lee, one might guess that he was perhaps Buddhist. However, towards the end of his life in the early 1970s he confirmed the fact that he was indeed an atheist.

1 Charlie Chaplin
Charlie Chaplin was a public atheist well before it was socially acceptable to be so (although, it’s really still not all that acceptable). Regardless, Chaplin discusses his atheism in his 1964 autobiography and has been quoted to say, “By simple common sense I don’t believe in God, in none.”

The Vatican on Tuesday clarified the pope’s controversial comments about condoms and HIV, saying he by no means suggested their use could be condoned as a means of avoiding an unwanted pregnancy.

“However, those involved in prostitution who are HIV positive and who seek to diminish the risk of contagion by the use of a condom may be taking the first step in respecting the life of another even if the evil of prostitution remains in all its gravity,” the statement said.

It stressed that his logic was “in full conformity with the moral theological tradition of the church.”

Vatican: Condoms OK, but not as contraceptive [MSNBC via Fark]

Nothing screams “buy jewelry” to me quite as much as the potential second coming of Christ. When your savior is rising from the dead, what I want more than anything is a white gold bracelet. If there’s one things religious figures love, it’s buying garish things for yourself. Well, as long as it’s half price. Jesus was Jewish, after all.

Local Ad of the Day [The Daily What]

Clearly the holy spirit is working through this child. Or maybe she needs her diaper changed. Either way, follow her (it’s a her, right?) to the ends of the Earth and she will lead you to the promised land. With occasional stopovers for ice cream. As any good religious leader should do for her disciples, I say.

Internet dating sites are becoming hugely popular in these bustling times, and places like Yahoo! Personals and Match.com are boasting that 25% of relationships are now started on internet dating sites like themselves. This is great news for some folks, but it got me wondering if there isn’t a reason some of these folks can’t seem to meet people in real-life. Maybe there are some things about a few of these people that are just a little “off” and that’s the reason they have trouble finding the special someone. These are a few things that may make people stop and say, “Hey wait minute…”, when they are scanning your profile. A few red flags like these could cost you your chance at eternal happiness.

7 The screen name or profile has “princess” in it
Sometimes a screen name is just a screen name; women just fall back on the old standard when devising a pseudonym for their profile. But other times it should serve as a warning that this young lady may be a little high maintenance. “I want a man who will treat me like the princess I am…” Well, that a wonderful thought (and may happen), but a lot of profiles such as this show a woman with unreasonable expectations. Sure, you want to shoot for the stars and be unequivocally happy in your relationship, but having your profile read like you’re looking for a life straight out of a Shakespearean play is a little much. Sure, most women would want daily back rubs on a yacht, someone that looks like Brad Pitt, a person with time and cash to spend every waking hour pampering them with wine and roses, but this is real life. That sounds like a lot of work for someone I’ve never even met before and shows some serious reasons to potential suitors on why you aren’t currently in a relationship. Actually it screams from the mountain tops, “I’m unbelievably high maintenance and nothing you will do will ever be enough!” Most people should just shoot for having someone to laugh, love and share their life with. And hey, maybe you get some of those things you were looking for in the process.

6 My favorite book is “insert weird or offensive choice here”
Letting your potential suitor know that your favorite book as a child was Curious George or I used to love reading Dr. Seuss when I was little are nice little tidbits of information that he/she will find cute and endearing when reading your profile. Listing your favorite books says a lot about a person and can end up being a deal breaker because it is something you can talk about and may show the type of ideals or entertainment you and your match share. Listing things like Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler, or Aleister Crowley’s The Book of Law are going to send out some serious weird signals (especially because there is no room on the form to explain your choice). I’m guessing a good portion of men and women on dating sites don’t want their first-date dinner conversation to be about the dark arts or genocide.

5 Listing that you drink “daily” or do drugs “daily”
No judgment here on my part, I’m simply stating that listing that you drink like Dudley Moore in Arthur or smoke enough weed to make Snoop Dogg jealous may not be endearing to a potential boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you only drink a glass of wine a day or smoke after a long day at the office, but listing “daily” for these may make you sound as if you are a raging alcoholic or a drug dealer. Again, it’s the wording and lack of options of the website that gets you here. Who knows, maybe some people won’t mind it, but chances are that people looking at your profile may get the wrong impression from this and you may miss out on true love…or true love may be passed out on a keg in the living room. To each his/her own.

4 Putting that you “definitely” want kids
The option of “someday” is probably the right answer here, ladies. Putting “definitely” kinda makes it sound like you’re baby crazy. Hey, I understand that you want to be as truthful and honest as you can in order to meet your perfect match, but when “definitely wants children” is in your by-line, it is gonna scare some men away–especially when “someday” is an option, rather than “definitely.” And a lot of women want kids, which is fine and perfectly natural. I’m not saying that one should lie when making a profile, it just may be a better option to pick a word that doesn’t seem to make having children seem so finite. A lot of people who would date you may want kids too, but it’s probably a good idea to meet someone you love and think would make a good parent before making a decision like this.

3 It says on your profile that you created your own religion
“I’m a minister for my religious sect, ‘The First Church of Mikhail Kalashnikov! My sermons are a mix of Christianity, Voodoo, Pokemon cards, black magic and firearms — lots of firearms.” Sounds like a scary way to spend a Sunday morning. But who knows, maybe that guy has it right? Religion is simply a mixture of faith, love and compassion. However, if you are of an odd or (truly) unorthodox religious sect, people may be turned off by it. Not to say that they are right or correct in their religious viewpoints, but going to church or temple or a mosque is quite different than the gun and liquor hootenanny that the guy who created “The First Church of Mikhail Kalashnikov” performs each Sunday morning for his “followers.” I’m a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment, but a good portion of people would draw the line at going to a religious sermon with so many guns that you start having ‘Nam flashbacks and you’re only 23-years-old.

2 I’m 21 years old and I have 3 kids
Your decision making skills seem…loose at best. While most men would enjoy that you don’t always expect them to be wearing a condom when the date comes to an end and most women like a man that can take care of children–having a lot of children at a fairly young age probably does not bode well for most people looking for love on Match.com. There are a litany of reasons for this: some folks may want kids but not starting immediately, obviously there is probably going to be at least one other man/woman that will have an affect on your relationship (nobody wants to worry about crazy ex’s who are baby daddies/mommas), and if you are dating someone with kids, there is always going to be someone else around that is more important than you. I’m not saying that it’s a competition, but it can put a serious strain on a relationship because it’s hard to get to really know someone when time has to be divided up between your mate and your kids. On one hand, having a lot of kids at a young age shows a person has to have certain type of maturity because they take care of children, but on the other hand, it shows a complete lack of maturity to get yourself into that situation in the first place.

1 Listing watching porn as a hobby
It’s probably happened before. Sure, the internet consists mostly of websites where people are getting intimate with men, women, animals, clowns, inanimate objects and a world of other things, but it’s not something that you probably want to go around telling people. And the pron industry rakes in billions of dollars a year, so quite a few people are looking at it. But more times than not, that’s not something you want to share on a dating site. Let me rephrase that: Unless you are a woman, this is probably something you save about yourself until after the honeymoon. To some people (ballpark–almost every male alive) a woman that enjoys pornography is a plus. And if your hobby is making pornography, that is probably something you save sharing about yourself until the honeymoon. Surprise, honey! Let’s make this a night that well remember for the rest of our lives and probably long after that.

Click for full-size

It’s really ridiculous that “Is this random Arab-American chick from Michigan a terrorist” is even something we’d ask. And not only that, but you’re giving Miss USA a lot of credit for brainwashing or spying potential. Most of us will barely remember her name by this time next week, I can’t imagine she’d hold a lot of sway over the general populace or be cultivating an army of New American Jihadists. More likely is that men will fap to her likeness when they’re on a filtered Internet connection and, even then, they’d only do it once. I can hardly think of anything more pro-American than pathetically beating off to a hot Arab-American chick in a bikini when your work filter blocks out YouPorn. That’s literally why Betsy Ross sewed the flag.

A Queens Catholic priest is under fire for claiming that the church pedophile scandal has been distorted by the media — because it’s controlled by Jews.

“The most insignificant facts are intensified, they make sensational headlines, and that helps sell newspapers,” the Rev. Vytautas Volertas, told a Lithuanian-language newspaper on May 1.

“To put it another way, who controls the press? The Jews. Have you ever seen an article in The New York Times about a criminal rabbi? No? And you won’t see one.”

Priest: ‘Jewish press’ pushes perv scandal

I’m aware this is probably fake. But given all the lunacy out there, is it so hard to believe that maybe, just maybe, one crazy man in a cheap suit and colorful tie thinks that vigorous (and perhaps slightly sensual) spankings saved him from the horrors of homosexuality? I don’t think so.

If there are any confused bisexual college girls that want to try this theory, let me know. I have large hands and a willingness to use them to help society.

Spanking the Gay out on Christian T.V. [Reddit]

The original cartoon drawn by Molly Norris that spurred on “Everybody Draw Muhammad Day”

Norris initially emailed several members of the media in an attempt to draw attention to her goal of making May 20th into a day in which the world drew the Muslim prophet to show that we won’t back down from people infringing upon the right of expression. Pretty cool, right? Yeah, not so much.

According to a report in the Los Angeles Times:

[Norris posted on her Web site,] “”I am NOT involved in “Everybody Draw Mohammd [sic] Day!”

“I made a cartoon that went viral and I am not going with it. Many other folks have used my cartoon to start sites, etc. Please go to them as I am a private person who draws stuff,” she writes.

It went viral, however, because she was the one who passed it around. Sending it to people like Dan Savage, a popular Seattle-based blogger and nationally syndicated sex advice columnist.

Once it became a national story she reeled back, asking Savage — in an email he provided to The Ticket — if he would “be kind enough to switch out my poster” with another one — a much tamer version which has no images attributed to Muhammad.

“I am sort of freaked out about my name/image being all over the place,” her e-mail reads.

According to the same article, the creator of a Facebook event for the movement bowed out as well, making a long-winded statement about hatred and mud-slinging that’s too boring to recreate here but that you can read at that Facebook link.

I absolutely get that Muhammad is a sacred figure and it’s never fun to be offended by something that means so much to you. But at the same time, it’s just an illustration or artistic representation. Either draw it or don’t, but to attach yourself to this cause and then back out is just cowardly.

I will stand up for our rights to artistic expression. I just drew several pictures in my notebook which involve Muhammad high-fiving Jesus and saying that his sandals are dy-no-mite (I like to imagine that Jimmy “JJ” Walker and Muhammad have much in common). Unfortunately, I don’t have a scanner to post them right now but, rest assured, they really make my point. The fact that they’re parallel to doodles and my signature as if I were married to Megan Fox only accentuates the poignancy of my illustrations.

Creators of ‘Everybody Draw Muhammad Day’ drop gag after everybody gets angry [LA Times]
Everybody Draw Mohammed Day [Facebook event]

What’s even worse…I definitely found it a little sexy when she went “Mmmmmm” and started shaking around 1:45 into the video. I don’t know whom that reflects more poorly upon. Probably her. Here you are, trying to save my mortal soul and instead I’m replaying a vaguely sexual “Mmmm” sound. Shame on you, jezebel.

That said, there is no reason why this girl shouldn’t be touring the country giving inspiration speeches. The brief feeling of guilt you have over disappointing your gods will probably go away once you see her go into a conniption and pass out on the floor. Or else, frankly, you don’t even have a soul to save.

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There’s an earthquake in her pants and everyone’s invited.

According to a BBC News report:

Hojjat ol-eslam Kazem Sediqi, the acting Friday prayer leader in Tehran, said women should stick to strict codes of modesty to protect themselves.

“Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes,” he explained.

“What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble? There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam’s moral codes,” he said.

There have been tens of thousands of people killed in earthquakes in Iran over the course of the past decade. Seismologists say that’s primarily due to the country’s place being situated on a series of tectonic fault lines.

I’d rather go with Sediqi’s theory though. And frankly, I think we should salute Iranian men today. They must really have a lot of torque on their pumps to be causing earthquakes with sex. You’re not killing tens of thousands through your relations with a promiscuous woman with standard missionary and a five-pump chump. There’s apparently more jackhammering going on in Iran than there are building the 10,000 foot skyscrapers in Dubai.

Iranian cleric blames quakes on promiscuous women [BBC News]

A British man who fell asleep while cooking bacon said he awoke an hour later to find the image of Jesus Christ burned into the base of the frying pan.

Toby Elles, 22, of Salford, England, said he was making a bedtime snack after having some beers with housemates and fell asleep on the couch while waiting for his bacon to cook, the Daily Mail reported Thursday.

“When I woke up about an hour later the room was full of smoke,” he said. “Luckily we have an electric hob so I just turned off the heat, but then I lifted up the bacon and there was JC looking back at me.”

“It’s some kind of miracle,” Elles said.

If I were a religious guy, I’d be kind of pissed right now. With devastating earthquakes hitting all over the earth and all the horrible things people endure on a daily basis, the best thing Jesus could do was show up in a drunken Englishman’s house while he’s making bacon. That really shows how silly the whole concept of expecting help from a higher power is. Like somewhere Jesus was going, “Hmm, I could save that pregnant woman from the rubble. Or…bacon. Rubble..bacon…rubble…bacon *makes weighing hand motion*. BACON!!!!!” I refuse to think that Jesus is the Beggin’ Strips dog.

Man finds Jesus in burnt pan [UPI]
Image Credit [Mirror.co.uk]

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Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. Police allege the 55-year-old man broke into the First Christian Church on Thursday. After gathering items from around the building, he is believed to have gone to the basement to spend the night.

Police summoned to the church Friday by staff, found the man trying to haul away a garbage can filled with food, kitchen utensils, clothes, electronic equipment and a 26-inch flat-screen television.

Police Cmdr. Mike Brennan said the man used the electronic equipment to watch pornographic movies that were found on him when he was arrested.

I’m not exactly a religious guy or anything, but I don’t know how you can watch porn when, mere feet away, Jesus is hanging out on a cross, looking kind of sad. I can’t imagine “Big Wet Butts 7″ packs the same emotional wallop when you’re there before the grace of God.

I have to assume the guy wasn’t there just to watch porn, he had to be scheduling a little “me time” as well. If you’re going to break into a church for the sole purpose of watching porn, it’d be creepy if you didn’t at least attempt to rub one out. I think even your deity of choice would understand that one. No matter where you are, watching porn without rubbing one out is like stealing a hamburger and playing Tiddly Winks with its pickles. That analogy worked better in my head.

Police: Burglar Uses Church Equipment to View Porn [ABC News]