With the economy continuing to spiral so out of control that we can’t even afford to stop selling our bodies for drugs as seen in a report that I tell myself in the mirror every morning, where can we turn to for answers? Obviously, infomercials. For example, check out the ]]>

With the economy continuing to spiral so out of control that we can’t even afford to stop selling our bodies for drugs as seen in a report that I tell myself in the mirror every morning, where can we turn to for answers? Obviously, infomercials. For example, check out the financial savings tips from this infomercial for the “Original Smart Mop.”

Delicious and nutritious! Well, nutritious when you’re assuming that dirt, grime, and semen residue are part of the food pyramid that was conveniently left out. Typical.

Being a pitchman for a product like this seems like an awesome job. You just spill crap on the floor then have their mediocre product clean it up while parroting back some marketing jargon. That’s pretty much what retarded kids do all day anyway. Ooh or they could hire retarded kids! Could you imagine how hard it’d be to refuse a sales pitch from an adorable tard? Though this product might not make sense for them since they’d probably just lick the soda up with their big retard tongues. Let’s file this one under “maybe.”

I’m certain this is one of those things that’s been on the Internet for an eternity, but I just saw it today so that pretty much makes it new again. Here’s outtakes of Alex Trebek, seemingly drunk, acting completely boorish.

I had a great idea for a game show ]]>

I’m certain this is one of those things that’s been on the Internet for an eternity, but I just saw it today so that pretty much makes it new again. Here’s outtakes of Alex Trebek, seemingly drunk, acting completely boorish.

I had a great idea for a game show but no one ever listened to me. It’d involve me as the host with three contestants. They’d have to compete against a young man with Down’s syndrome in a variety of trivia categories. But the real test of the game was not to get too cocky against the retard, otherwise he’d start jerking off his big worthless retard penis while staring you straight in the eyes and muttering. You’d be amazed how quickly people forget that Napoleon invaded France in 1812 when they have some guy with a Pete Rose haircut and a fat tongue staring at them and calling them mommy while awkwardly pawing at 9 inches of shame that serves no purpose other than to prove God’s sense of humor.

[via]

I’m fortunate enough to receive emails trying to get me to write about literally everything that MTV does and this one may be the finest one of all. How’s Your News is a group of special people (special in the drooling short bus sense, not just awesome) who’ve been doing ]]>

I’m fortunate enough to receive emails trying to get me to write about literally everything that MTV does and this one may be the finest one of all. How’s Your News is a group of special people (special in the drooling short bus sense, not just awesome) who’ve been doing Web shorts for a while. And now MTV is giving them a show filled with interviews like this one with Senator John McCain while he was on the Presidential trail.

With probing questions like that, I could see how John McCain was temporarily flustered. Unfortunately, since he didn’t quite understand the reporter’s question, he may have agreed that he was planning on committing thousands of infants to juvenile prisons or raping kitty cats. Which probably didn’t totally help his chances with the election.

“The show fits the MTV brand because it really feels like it belongs on our network, because you can’t imagine it anywhere else. It has a rebelliousness in terms of attitude, it feels fresh, it feels inventive, and it’s really about a group of people working together to live their dream and have fun along the way,” said Tony DiSanto, executive vice president of series development and programming at MTV.

It’s true…when I think of the various miscreants on shows representing “the MTV brand”, Down’s Syndrome is probably pretty close to what I typically envision. Now if only they could incorporate a sexy retarded girl with big boobs. I hear Jessica Simpson could use the work.

Ugh. I sicken myself sometimes but there’s a part of me that can’t help but go “Awwwwwwwww” at a humorous animal video like this. The set-up: a little dog is placed in an area lined by soda cans buuuuut it can’t quite comprehend how to get out.

I think ]]>

Ugh. I sicken myself sometimes but there’s a part of me that can’t help but go “Awwwwwwwww” at a humorous animal video like this. The set-up: a little dog is placed in an area lined by soda cans buuuuut it can’t quite comprehend how to get out.

I think it’s great what organizations like the ASPCA are doing, getting retarded dogs like this one into homes of people who f’ing torture it by putting toys in areas the dog can’t comprehend getting to. Sure, the dog could live on a farm and chase squirrels while frolicking in corn fields. Or it could be mocked by some creative assholes who enjoy saving the goodness of sugary drinks for far too long. The choice is pretty simple.

Just for the record I’m not opposed to mocking the human retarded mind you. If you want to tie a Ho-Ho to their head with a stick holding it just out of arm’s reach then have them run around chasing it and yelling gibberish and crapting themselves (the crapting themselves isn’t part of the game, it’s just what they do…like a mating a call. A smelly, messy, embarrassing mating call), then I’m all for it. But dumb dogs? TOO FAR, MAN. TOO FAR.

Judge me if you must but I found this photo, sent to me from our friends at the hilarious Some Comic Relief, to be utterly compelling.

He looks just like a Ninja Turtle! Which turtle was the one with the nunchuks though…was it ]]>

Judge me if you must but I found this photo, sent to me from our friends at the hilarious Some Comic Relief, to be utterly compelling.

He looks just like a Ninja Turtle! Which turtle was the one with the nunchuks though…was it Downsyndromatello? Oh that doesn’t matter!

Seriously though, if I had a couple spare chromosomes lying around, I’d absolutely give him one. He does seem pretty happy though. Presumably when he’s not out there kicking ass, taking names, and ruining family portraits. He’s all business then. And drool. Mostly business, partly drool.

Some 3rd graders in special ed classes in Georgia plotted to kill their teacher, but were “thwarted” by school officials. Story of the year? Perhaps.

The students allegedly brought to school a broken steak knife, a roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and ]]>

Some 3rd graders in special ed classes in Georgia plotted to kill their teacher, but were “thwarted” by school officials. Story of the year? Perhaps.

The students allegedly brought to school a broken steak knife, a roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and a crystal paperweight in a bid to kill their teacher, Belle Carter, the paper reports.

“We did not hear anybody say they intended to kill her, but could they have accidentally killed her? Absolutely,” Tanner said. “We feel like if they weren’t interrupted, there would have been an attempt. Would they have been successful? We don’t know.”

The children, ages 8 and 9, were apparently mad at the teacher because she had scolded one of them for standing on a chair, Tanner said.

“It’s our understanding that she did in fact discipline one of the students, and they did not like it, he told FOX News. “After that, she began to plot revenge on the teacher.”

Tanner told FOX News not all of the students were in on all the details of the allegedly plot.

“We believe that some of them knew the entire plot and some of them were … just asked to bring other items in but they might not have realized the entire plot,” he said.

That last quote is kind of amazing in every way. Some of them didn’t realize? No way! I find that hard to believe.

A broken steak knife, roll of duct tape, handcuffs, ribbon and a crystal paperweight? Wow, they’re like a troupe of retarded little MacGuyvers. Or maybe they just brought that in for lunch. Who can tell! Retarded kids are so savvy!

Anyway, frankly, if you get outfoxed by a group of retarded third graders, I’m pretty sure you deserve to die. That’s like standing under a cartoon anvil that weighs two tons. Sure, that coyote looked trustworthy and handsome, but you should know better. You really should.