I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I have kids. So I do it at the movies.

There was really no other choice for a new movie to see while stoned this week but Battleship. What To Expect When You’re Expecting would send me ]]>

I can’t smoke pot at home anymore because I have kids. So I do it at the movies.

There was really no other choice for a new movie to see while stoned this week but Battleship. What To Expect When You’re Expecting would send me into a K-hole and if I saw Hysteria (the Maggie Gyllenhaal flick about vibrators) I wouldn’t be able to stop laughing. So here we are with Universal’s long-delayed nightmare based on a board game that literally no one was asking for.

Seriously, ask yourself this: has a single person that you talk to on a regular basis said to you “Man, I can’t wait to see Battleship?” I mean, unless you hang out with super-obsessive Rihanna fans or something, in which case you have your own problems. No. Nobody wanted this movie to come out. Even Universal delayed it for almost a year. I read a pretty funny thing on my phone that said that they made this movie in order to avoid a $5 million penalty that was in the contract with Hasbro if they optioned a property and didn’t make it into a movie. So they spent $200 million on this total flop to avoid spending $5 million. No wonder this country’s so messed up. We can’t even do math anymore.

Oh, right, the movie: it’s dumb. Super, super dumb. As dumb as you’d expect a movie based on a board game to be, if not dumber. Here’s what happens: aliens invade for some damn reason, but they only send five ships, maybe because they realize that a society that would spend $200 million on a movie based on a board game is so dumb that they could beat us with that. And then things get really stupid.

Okay so here’s why it’s like the game – when the aliens land around Hawaii they put up a force field that’s a perfect square! For… some reason. And then their missiles look just like the pegs from the game. I literally couldn’t stop laughing in the theater the first time I saw one. Everything about this movie is so dumb. Even the explosions are dumb. Rihanna is a horrible actress by the way in case you were wondering. All she does is yell “It’s a hit!” when we hit an alien with a missile.

This movie is just so stupid. There’s a whole thing at the beginning of the movie about stealing a microwave burrito that is supposed to be funny or something but it just made me want a microwave burrito. The thing is, I don’t have a microwave at home so when I want a microwave burrito I have to wrap it in foil and cook it in the oven instead. Do you know how long that takes? Read the package sometime: forty-five minutes. I could make a real burrito in that time, or watch half of Battleship. But why would I do that?

Aliens in movies are always dumb. The only smart aliens were in Independence Day: blow up the White House first thing. Go full Osama on that bitch. The aliens in Battleship just splash into the Pacific Ocean and… hang out. They’re barely even threatening. What are they going to do, steal all of our pineapples? Stop us from filming another season of Lost? Actually that would suck, die aliens. Die Rihanna. Die Peter Berg. Die everyone.

Disclaimer: I fixed all my typos and grammar mistakes but left in all the other dumb stuff I said.

With Battleship opening this weekend we thought this week we’d take a look at the alleged sexual history of one of Hollywood’s current superstars when it comes to bedding women, Alexander Skarsgard. Sure, guys like Leo and George have been more prolific when ]]>

With Battleship opening this weekend we thought this week we’d take a look at the alleged sexual history of one of Hollywood’s current superstars when it comes to bedding women, Alexander Skarsgard. Sure, guys like Leo and George have been more prolific when it comes to dating starlets, but Alexander is more than making up for lost time. These days no woman is safe when he’s around, as you will see.

Amanda Seyfried (2008)

Up until around this time Alexander mostly worked in his native Sweden, then he got his job on True Blood and was off to the races.

Izabella Miko (2009)

Izabella Miko, for those unfamiliar, is a super hot Polish-born actress and model who appeared as Athena in Clash of the Titans. Is it a coincidence that the biggest film she’s appeared in since 2000′s Coyote Ugly was also around the time Skarsgard dropped the Swedish hammer? We think not.

Evan Rachel Wood (2009)

Met on the set of True Blood. Skarsgard reportedly flew her to the set of Straw Dogs, a film he was co-starring in with the next lady on this list at the time.

Kate Bosworth (2009-2011)

Dated for two years until Skarsgard realized that he was wasting his magical powers on just one woman.

Elizabeth Olsen (2012)

Skarsgard and the hottest Olsen sister were both at the Independent Spirit Awards, so naturally he nailed her. Allegedly.

Rihanna (2012)

This occurred while filming Battleship together. According to an eyewitness, they went to a geisha bathhouse together, drinking, and were “in a corner getting hot and heavy.” He was also reportedly dating the next lady on this list as well as an Italian skydiver at the time. Playa.

Charlize Theron (2012-Present?)

The National Enquirer claims the two are using a Los Angeles gay bar to meet and have drinks. Which, of course, means they’re doing it.

Other less-substantiated alleged flings…

Alexandra Keating (daughter of the former Prime Minister of Australia)

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Previous hookup histories on Guyism.

Do you follow Rihanna on Facebook? You might want to. Especially after seeing these pictures she posted of her all bodypainted up on the set of the music video for her song “Where Have You Been.”. Apparently she’s part human and part lizard in this video (her boobs ]]>

Do you follow Rihanna on Facebook? You might want to. Especially after seeing these pictures she posted of her all bodypainted up on the set of the music video for her song “Where Have You Been.”. Apparently she’s part human and part lizard in this video (her boobs being the lizard part it would appear). Now I don’t know if the song itself is to your taste but the video, when it comes out, looks like it will definitely be a must-watch. (More pics here if you’re interested. And I know you are.)

Chris Brown released a freestyle that basically said Rihanna sucks. Rihanna, who had been seen canoodling with Brown recently, responded with Twitter beef. So Rihanna’s okay with punches to the face. But diss tracks? That crosses the line.

For some reason, Rihanna posed for this photo shoot in tiny shorts and pulled them up so you could see a good portion of her backside. I guess this is what photographers would call art. It’s quite a scam these photogs have going isn’t it? I’ve said it ]]>

For some reason, Rihanna posed for this photo shoot in tiny shorts and pulled them up so you could see a good portion of her backside. I guess this is what photographers would call art. It’s quite a scam these photogs have going isn’t it? I’ve said it before and I will say it again, does anyone have a better job than Terry Richardson?

Sure we’ve all seen the Kim Kardashian sex tape, and the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape, but what celebrity sex tape do we REALLY want to see? Thanks to the fine folks at PornHub.com we have an answer. They took a survey (now there’s a job) ]]>

Sure we’ve all seen the Kim Kardashian sex tape, and the Kendra Wilkinson sex tape, but what celebrity sex tape do we REALLY want to see? Thanks to the fine folks at PornHub.com we have an answer. They took a survey (now there’s a job) and what follows are the top 10 celebs that people want to see getting naughty on camera.

10 Charlize Theron (1%)

9 Stacy Keibler (2%)

7 (Tie) Sofia Vergara (3%)

7 (Tie) Jennifer Love Hewitt (3%)

5 (Tie) Emma Stone (4%)

5 (Tie) Jessica Alba (4%)

4 Kate Upton (8%)

3 Emma Watson (23%)

1 (Tie) Rihanna (26%)

1 (Tie) Megan Fox (26%)

Since we here at Guyism pretty much live on the Internet we run across an awful lot of good things each day. These are some of the funniest, sexiest, most entertaining things we’ve seen today.

The Falling Bear Meme You knew this was coming. ]]>

Since we here at Guyism pretty much live on the Internet we run across an awful lot of good things each day. These are some of the funniest, sexiest, most entertaining things we’ve seen today.

The Falling Bear Meme

Hairstyles of the NFL Draft

History of Nintendo

Titanic II

The Orbit Gum Girl

Sweet Gamer Gear

Rihanna: “Where Have You Been” Music Video

Chloe Sims

Wally Backman

Russian Bikini Fitness Models

Today is National Honesty Day

Ninja Catz

Melissa Giraldo

Derrick Rose

Christine Marie LeMaster

Rihanna was on a London press junket for likely cinematic debacle Battleship when she was asked about rumors of her hooking up with Ashton Kutcher. Here’s how she responded (spoiler: Not well).

Yes, I do have some idea of how disappointing that question was. Your lifeless Chucky doll eyes ]]>

Rihanna was on a London press junket for likely cinematic debacle Battleship when she was asked about rumors of her hooking up with Ashton Kutcher. Here’s how she responded (spoiler: Not well).

Yes, I do have some idea of how disappointing that question was. Your lifeless Chucky doll eyes told me all I needed to know.

It also needed a GIF, which we captured below.

On the plus side, I can’t imagine Ashton Kutcher punching her in the face repeatedly. He may seem like a tool sometimes, but not a violent kind. Even if he did hit her, I’m pretty sure the force of the blow would be roughly similar to a kitten tapping you when it wants to be petted.

In today’s Guyism Speed Round, a very cold Katie Nolan discusses Tiger Woods’ first victory since 2009, Rihanna’s inability to choose a decent boyfriend, and more.

Today’s hidden video can be seen here.

Draw Something is the social gaming app that’s sweeping the nation of people who like games that evoke MS Paint-quality art. Buzzfeed compiled 10 of the most hilarious (or, in their view, most disturbing) pictures of Rihanna. They’re all very entertaining.

Remember how last week I showed you a sexy new video that Rihanna did as a part of her selling lingerie for Giorgio Armani? Well, now there are photos that go with that. It’s kind of like the opposite of what we did earlier today where I showed ]]>

Remember how last week I showed you a sexy new video that Rihanna did as a part of her selling lingerie for Giorgio Armani? Well, now there are photos that go with that. It’s kind of like the opposite of what we did earlier today where I showed you a sexy video that went with photos I had previously shared. See how diverse I am?

Remember how awhile back we clued you in to the fact that Rihanna had taken over for Megan Fox as the face (and body) of Giorgio Armani underwear? Well, she’s still working for them and doing a great job. I think I like this video even more than ]]>

Remember how awhile back we clued you in to the fact that Rihanna had taken over for Megan Fox as the face (and body) of Giorgio Armani underwear? Well, she’s still working for them and doing a great job. I think I like this video even more than the pics and the last video she did. Not sure why I like it better, but I think one commenter on YouTube may have hit the nail on the head when he said, “I’m gay and still got a boner.”

That’s right, folks. Another awards show happened. This week it was the 54th Annual Grammy Awards. Yes, it was music’s turn to pat itself on the back and here are your winners and pictures of the stars.

PICS: The ladies of the 53rd Annual Grammy ]]>

That’s right, folks. Another awards show happened. This week it was the 54th Annual Grammy Awards. Yes, it was music’s turn to pat itself on the back and here are your winners and pictures of the stars.

PICS: The ladies of the 53rd Annual Grammy Awards

2012 GRAMMY WINNERS —
Best Dance/Electronica Album: Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites — Skrillex
Best Pop Vocal Album: 21 - Adele
Best Pop Solo Performance: “Someone Like You” — Adele
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: “Body And Soul” — Tony Bennett & Amy Winehouse
Best Rap Performance: “Otis” — Jay-Z & Kanye West
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: “All Of The Lights” — Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi & Fergie
Best Traditional R&B Performance: “Fool For You” — Cee Lo Green & Melanie Fiona
Best R&B Album: F.A.M.E.— Chris Brown
Best Rock Performance: “Walk” — Foo Fighters
Best Rock Song: “Walk” — Foo Fighters
Best Rock Album: Wasting Light — Foo Fighters
Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance: “White Limo” — Foo Fighters
Best Country Album: Own The Night - Lady Antebellum
Best Country Solo Performance: “Mean” — Taylor Swift
Best Country Song: “Mean” — Taylor Swift
Best Alternative Music Album: Bon Iver — Bon Iver
Best New Artist: Bon Iver
Song of the Year: “Rolling In The Deep” — Adele
Record of the Year: “Rolling In The Deep” — Adele
Album of the Year: 21 - Adele

PICS: The ladies of the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards

Of course, the saving grace to all these pointless awards shows is that it brings out the sexy ladies in their Sunday best. And among those ladies who were in attendance this year were (in order below): Carrie Underwood, Giuliana Rancic, Katy Perry, Kelly Osbourne, Fergie, Tia Carrere, Julianne Hough, Jessie J, Malin Akerman, Nicole “Coco” Austin and Ice-T, Skylar Grey, Rihanna, Alicia Keys, Kelly Rowland, Lily Aldridge, Paris Hilton, Kate Beckinsale, Melanie Fiona, Nicki Minaj, and Taraji P. Henson.

I can’t decide if I like this bathing suit that Rihanna is sporting on a boat while on vacation over in Hawaii. It kind of looks like a swimsuit from the future or something. Honestly I think I prefer the bikini she had on in

I can’t decide if I like this bathing suit that Rihanna is sporting on a boat while on vacation over in Hawaii. It kind of looks like a swimsuit from the future or something. Honestly I think I prefer the bikini she had on in this photo shoot over this silver piece. Plus this silver one is going to give her some very unusual tan lines. Then again, you’d have to see her naked to know about them. … What was I talking about again?

You may not be aware, but Rihanna models for Emporio Armani underwear and jeans ads and commercials. And she’s pretty good at it. Though as much as I enjoy seeing Rihanna doing things in her underwear I am saddened by the fact that ]]>

You may not be aware, but Rihanna models for Emporio Armani underwear and jeans ads and commercials. And she’s pretty good at it. Though as much as I enjoy seeing Rihanna doing things in her underwear I am saddened by the fact that she replaced Megan Fox, who we never get to see anymore. If Megan still had that job at least we’d get to remember how hot she was. She’s still alive, right?

I guess at some point in the past year Rihanna posed for Rolling Stone in a bikini. I must have missed it. Luckily for us, the outtakes from spreads like this are always better than what got put in the magazine anyway. Maybe I missed these because once ]]>

This photo wasn't good enough I guess...

I guess at some point in the past year Rihanna posed for Rolling Stone in a bikini. I must have missed it. Luckily for us, the outtakes from spreads like this are always better than what got put in the magazine anyway. Maybe I missed these because once I saw that Sideshow Bob hair I just clicked on by. Who knows? And I’ll never understand why the outtakes from shoots like this always seem to be hotter than the ones they picked, but after years of doing this I’ve found that it happens all the time. Maybe I should have been a photo editor for a magazine.

Rihanna has been a very busy girl as of late, being named the sexiest woman alive, posing for these pics for Vogue, and as I mentioned before, being the new face/body of Armani. Now I, personally find Rihanna to be very attractive, but ]]>

Rihanna has been a very busy girl as of late, being named the sexiest woman alive, posing for these pics for Vogue, and as I mentioned before, being the new face/body of Armani. Now I, personally find Rihanna to be very attractive, but I’ve learned over the last couple of years of doing this job that, for some reason, there are a lot of people who thinks she’s way overrated in the looks category. And they make absolutely no bones about it either. I guess beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. So, what do you think?

So says Esquire magazine, who today gave our favorite Caribbean singer, Rihanna, the title of sexiest woman alive for 2011. And she tries to prove it by posing with her clothes off.

As a part of winning this prestigious title Rihanna sat down for ]]>

So says Esquire magazine, who today gave our favorite Caribbean singer, Rihanna, the title of sexiest woman alive for 2011. And she tries to prove it by posing with her clothes off.

As a part of winning this prestigious title Rihanna sat down for a sexy photo shoot and an interview where she discussed much of her life on tour including what happens in her dressing room before a show.

I eat lozenges, steam my voice, do my makeup. I Skype my vocal coach and we sit there at the makeup table and do warm-ups for about a half-hour. Then, Jen, my personal assistant slash bartender, brings me a shot that she dilutes with a little something so it’s not so harsh, like orange juice or soda water and lime.

Rihanna says that even now at this stage of her career she still gets anxious and the shot helps her to calm her nerves and not overthink everything. She also tells us how she chooses which audience member to give a lap dance to each night.

The way I pick the person is, whoever I feel doesn’t take themselves too seriously, or who I think would be majorly embarrassed about it. Like these old men… it’s hilarious. At first, it was just going to be girls. And then one night, I brought up a gay guy, and then I started bringing up straight guys. Then I started bringing up older straight men.

While one might argue with her selection (we didn’t even have her as the sexiest singer alive), you can’t argue the fact that Rihanna is definitely one of the sexiest women on the planet (we’re all splitting hairs anyway trying to pick just one woman for the title). She’s no doubt a worthy heir to the throne of Minka Kelly, Esquire’s sexiest woman alive in 2010.

Photos: Russell James/Esquire