Sadly, none of the sandwiches are alive to accept this honor. Well, unless there was one bought from 7-Eleven that I missed. You could eat one in its entirety and it’d still come out in its previous form ready to be sold yet again. A renewable resource that tastes like cardboard and stale plants.

Unfortunately, Soto had just bought a sandwich, so he returned home, took a seat in the kitchen, and finished the footlong hero he had sought to eat.

Soto was then driven by his father to the Yale-New Haven hospital to seek treatment for his injuries.

The wounds aren’t life-threatening and Soto is expected to have a full recovery.

My big remaining question is…how good was the sandwich? I love a good sandwich more than anybody, but I have to imagine that for a hero to make me not want to treat two gunshot wounds to the groin, it’d have to really blow my mind in ways I can’t even imagine. Like so good that I’d ejaculate into my pants. Assuming that was still functioning after the bullets there. Man, that’d be awkward if the sandwich was pants-jizz-worthy and then, due to the bullet holes, he just spurted it out like a cartoon character drinking water after getting sprayed with bullets by Elmer Fudd. Life is silly like that some times.

Shot twice, Connecticut man eats sandwich before going to hospital: report [NY Post]

South Park
Episode: Douche or Turd
Lesson: Turd sandwiches make viable political candidates; Your vote doesn’t matter

In this pre-2004 Presidential Election episode, South Park Elementary’s mascot, the Cow, has been deemed inappropriate by PETA. So the school decides to elect a new mascot with candidates created by the students. This leads to a campaign being run by a Turd Sandwich and a Giant Douche.

And it featured a call to action from Diddy to Stan to get out and vote.

At the end of the episode, Stan decides to vote for Turd Sandwich. But then, the school opts to just use the Cow mascot again instead of the Giant Douche or Turd Sandwich, meaning Stan’s vote was completely meaningless. Kind of like being someone trying to vote for Al Gore in Florida in 2000.

While I would hate to dispute the credentials of Turd Sandwich, I’d have to question his existence in the first place. A Giant Douche has its uses…after all, women in the WNBA have to be cleaned somehow. But a Turd Sandwich? Why that doesn’t sound delicious at all, sir.

The Simpsons
Episode: Treehouse of Horror VII’s “Citizen Kang”
Lesson: Democracy just doesn’t work, particularly when aliens are involved

Loveable aliens (well, as loveable as someone trying to destroy our planet can be) Kang and Kodos decide that the best way to enslave all Earthlings is by taking over for Presidential candidates Bob Dole and Bill Clinton. Here’s how Kang, in the form of Bob Dole, won votes at a pre-election stump speech.

Unfortunately Kang’s promises of miniature flags never came to fruition as, instead, upon winning the election (yes, Bob Dole won the election…I know, that’s a bit far-fetched even for a cartoon), he opted to enslave all of the Earthlings to build a laser to attack another planet. Which sounds illogical until you realize that it undoubtedly saved us an attack from Neptunian terrorists and their weapons of mass destruction.

Capitol Critters
Episode: “Of Thee I Sting”
Lesson: Even rats find politicians dirty

You may or may not remember Capitol Critters, a cartoon which had a one season run on ABC. The premise was pretty simple: Rats live beneath the White House, hijinx ensue. In this episode, main character Max (an idealistic rat who just moved to Washington) finds himself in a senator’s suitcase. The senator, fresh off of a stirring speech that showed him as a hero to millions, meets with a couple lobbyists. Skip to 3:30 in on this clip to save yourself minutes of cartoon rats being completely f’ing retarded.

My favorite part of the clip? How they’re just emptying stacks of money into a bag casually like that was a totally cool thing to do and the senator is just like, “Sure, pile your UNMARKED money into my bag! No problem!” If you’re going to be a corrupt politician, at least watch a movie or two so you have a vague understanding of how to exchange illicit funds.

Looks like Max just learned an important lesson about how Washington really works. But he didn’t learn a lesson about where to get awesome rat-sized hats and print buttondowns. That lesson he learned a long time ago.

Tiny Toons
Episode: Citizen Max
Lesson: Never cross Buster Bunny

This one was a spoof of Citizen Kane (a never-before-done concept, I’m sure). In a flashback, Montana Max decides to run for student council President as part of his rise to power. But the basic foundation of his campaign was to rid the school of Buster Bunny. Skip to 6:45 in this clip…

It really makes you wish that John McCain and Barack Obama had their debates in a cartoon (I presume through some sort of chicanery like in that movie Stay Tuned…all we’d need is a remote control and a bit of whimsy). There weren’t nearly enough anvils being dropped on someone’s head during their encounters.

Anyway Max rigs the election against Buster Bunny (people didn’t quite gravitate to Max’s Bunny Genocide platform like he’d have hoped) and ends up alone and sad and totally gay for his old bike. Just like William Taft.

Futurama
Episode: A Head in the Polls
Lesson: Our first robot President will win by one vote; The United States is part of the world

For the people living in Futurama, the elections of the year 3000 were (will be?) pretty dull, being contested by two clones named John Jackson and Jack Johnson who offered no real differences in their platforms. However, Fry learns that voting in the future actually can make a difference. Note: Fry’s method of protesting the voting process in the clip below is highly recommended.

Unfortunately neither John Jackson’s policies on taxation were strong enough, leaving Richard Nixon’s head as a runaway winner thanks, primarily, to his appeal to robot voters.

See what happens if you don’t vote? Not only do you end up with Richard Nixon as President, you end up with Richard Nixon as President in an evil robot body. Which I guess is slightly cooler. Especially if you collect Presidential action figures.

Family Guy
Episode: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One
Lesson: Voters are mostly idiots

Lois ends up running for mayor because of an oil refinery polluting Quahog. But her beliefs quickly become compromised, as illustrated through this Rudy Giuliani-esque performance during a debate against incumbent Mayor Adam West.

Lois ends up winning the mayoral election but finds herself corrupted by the position, misappropriating taxpayer money and accepting bribes. After accepting an expensive fur coat from the oil company she initially took the job to stop, Lois realizes the error of her ways and resigns. Leave it to Family Guy to show the biggest lesson of all when you go to the polls tomorrow: Never trust a woman running for office who’s been given fancy clothes.

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if you liked this, share it via the buttons at the top of the post. You may also like The 11 Dumbest Things Cartoons Have Taught Us and The 6 Creepiest Guys Living in a Sitcom Household. Any cartoons stir your voting loins? Leave them in the comments.