Teen Bride Courtney Stodden Talks Wedding Night: “I Was Aroused for 24 Hours Straight” (Video)
“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience.”

Minka Kelly: I Turned Down Free Plastic Surgery
“She said that she could get me a job at this doctor’s office in return for plastic surgery which I would need to be a Playboy Playmate.”

Kim Kardashian — Sex Tape Deal Goes Limp
“We were offered $20 million for the Kim tape but have decided that we are going to hang on to it … for now.”

Jennifer Aniston Spends $450,000 on Painting
“Jennifer Aniston was the winning buyer at Christie’s glitzy ‘Artists for Haiti’ auction in NYC…”

Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins Split 1 Week Before Abduction Premiere
“At the Abduction party, it was awkward. They barely said a word to one another.”

Kim Delaney Escorted Off Stage After Incoherent Speech in Philadelphia (Video)
“The actress, 49, fidgeted at the podium as she told crowd members how she ‘served in active military duty family for five years’”.

Bristol Palin Faces Off with Angry Bar Patron; Calls Him “a Homosexual” (Video)
“Is it because you’re a homosexual and that’s why you hate her?”

Levi Johnston Claims Sarah Palin Had a “Cougar Crush” on Him
“Even growing up my friends would always say that [Palin would flirt with me], it seems kind of weird.”

Sarah Palin Offered $1 Million to Take Lie Detector Test
“…adult website AshleyMadison.com has offered the Palins $1 million to prove their innocence.”

Alex Rodriguez on Split with Cameron Diaz: “We’ll Always Be Friends”
“I have a lot of love for Cameron.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
The new red band trailer for the upcoming movie The Thing.

What one person was I dying to hear from regarding the Sarah Palin-Glen Rice story. Why, of course, Mike Tyson. The former heavyweight champion of the world weighed in on KWWN Espn Radio 1100/98.9FM and in typical Tyson fashion, it’s nonsensical, obscene, and downright hilarious.

Here are some of the highlights Via Larry Brown Sports:

“Glen Rice is a wonderful man. He’s a wonderful guy,” Tyson said, “But you want her to be with somebody like [Dennis] Rodman getting up in there. Pushing her guts up in the back of her head!

“Glen Rice is a nice, mellow, docile man, non-threatening black guy — you want someone like Rodman — yeah baby! Imagine Palin with a big old black stallion ripping — yeehaw!”

“In life in general you know, everybody gotta get that out of their system when they get out of college. If you’re a black man, every white girl, every uppity middle class — everybody gotta get their share of love.”

“She could always get boned out by a black person — a vote to bang her. Other than a vote to run office, the only thing she can do … she’s not a bad person because she likes black people … at least in her.”

“Sarah Palin … she met the wombshifter.”

No really, he said wombshifter. Can’t say I’ve ever heard the term before and truthfully, I went to Urban Dictionary just to see if it was defined—and nothing.

So, um, a round of applause for Mr. Mike Tyson folks. Not only did he absolutely eviscerate a presidential hopeful, he also invented a new word.

A gentleman and a scholar–lethal combination huh ladies?

Mike Tyson Doesn’t Think Glen Rice Banged Sarah Palin Hard Enough [Larry Brown Sports]

FBI Closing in on Scarlett Johansson Hackers
“…the FBI is ‘honing in’ on the group of hackers and know the identity of at least one of them — and we’re told it’s the ringleader.”

REPORT: Jay-Z Has Secret Son
“Everyone knew she was sleeping around and sleeping with Jay.”

Tyler Perry Named Highest Paid Man in Entertainment with $130M
“In the list — compiled by Forbes.com — uber producer Jerry Bruckheimer ($113 M) and director Steven Spielberg ($107 M) round out the top three.”

Nic Cage: I Chased a Naked Stranger From My Home
“…I opened my eyes and there was a naked man in my leather jacket eating a Fudgesicle [ice lolly] in front of my bed.”

Megan Fox, Brian Austin Green Removing Tattoos Together
“Fox didn’t specify which of the 38-year-old actor’s many tattoos will be erased.”

Eva Longoria: No Longer on Speaking Terms with Tony Parker
“I’m going, ‘Wow!’ I think divorce agrees with me!”

Kendall Jenner, 15, Makes Runway Debut
“Now that both younger siblings having walked the catwalk, big sister Kim Kardashian couldn’t be more proud.”

Author Joe McGinniss: “Sarah Palin is an Utter Fraud, Vindictive Hypocrite”
“At best she’s a hypocrite — at worse she’s a vindictive hypocrite.”

“Housewife” Michaele Salahi Ran Off with Journey Rocker Neal Schon
“The Real Housewives of DC star was “missing” since early Tuesday, and her husband, Tareq, feared she’d been kidnapped.”

Surprise, Surprise: Lindsay Lohan Throws Drink at Photographer
“Lindsay Lohan just threw a full drink at a boy at V magazine party who dared to snap her pic.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Olivia Wilde in a sexy photo shoot for the latest issue of Allure magazine.

Marine rapper asks Betty White to Marine Corps Ball
“She’s funny, sweet, mature — she’s the all-around perfect woman.”

Rachel Uchitel returns hush money to Tiger, threatens Gloria Allred
“Rachel’s lawyer has given Gloria a deadline, and if Gloria doesn’t ante up … a legal malpractice lawsuit will be filed.”

Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony to do joint reality show as planned
“Q’Viva! the hotly anticipated 2012 celebration of Latin music, artistry and dance, is set to film this autumn in South America…”

David Duchovny & Tea Leoni back together after split
“The actors wed in 1997 and separated for the first time in 2008.”

Rebecca Black releasing new single “My Moment”
“‘My Moment’ will be available for purchase Tuesday on iTunes and other online retailers.”

Sarah Palin documentary opens to empty theaters & terrible reviews
“An excruciating combination of bombast and whining.”

Jenna Fischer’s pregnancy will play out on The Office
“Pam and Jim snuck away last season on Valentine’s Day, and they had sex.”

Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo get married
“Lachey and Minnillo’s destination wedding will be televised on a TLC special…”

Casey Anthony will have ‘issues’ for a long time
“As long as there are so many people of the lynch-mob mentality, those willing to deny the fact that the jury found her not guilty, she’s going to have issues.”

Brooke Mueller headed south of the border for extreme rehab
“Brooke is going to a treatment facility in Cancun that specializes in prescribing a drug that is not legal in the U.S.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Beyonce’s new music video for her song “Best Thing I Never Had.”

Emma Watson sick of having “no control” over her life
“I have lived in a complete bubble. They found me and picked me for the part. And now I’m desperately trying to find my way through it.”

Hef & Crystal’s wedding is off — “She’s dating Dr. Phil’s son”
“”Hef is in shock. Crystal bailed and left the mansion at 11pm Sunday night.”

Benjamin Millepied, Natalie Portman welcome a son
“It’s been a big year for Natalie Portman: an engagement, an Oscar and now a baby!”

Joss Stone targeted in bizarre robbery-murder plot
“Two men armed with swords, rope and a body bag were arrested Tuesday near Joss Stone’s rural home in England under suspicion of planning to rob and kill the young British singer.”

Tracy Morgan reveals his father died of AIDS — admits “I was bullied at school”
“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. I never want to use my comedy to hurt anyone.”

Jessica Simpson joining NBC’s Fashion Star
“With an almost billion-dollar lifestyle brand under her belt she is sure to be an excellent mentor to our up-and-coming designers.”

Denise Richards: Charlie Sheen and I had “a beautiful love story”
“Despite Sheen calling Richards ‘a bitch’ during his ‘Torpedo of Truth’ tour, she doesn’t harbor ill-will towards her ex.”

Justin Timberlake: Why I smoke pot
“Sometimes I have a brain that needs to be turned off. Some people are just better high.”

Meet Petra Ecclestone: The 22 year-old who bought Candy Spelling’s $150M mansion
“Don’t worry, she can afford it: her father is Formula One head Bernard Ecclestone, whose net worth Forbes last year estimated as $4 billion.”

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: “Leave Sarah Palin alone”
“As much as I’m not a fan of Sarah Palin I find sifting through her emails repulsive and over reaching.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Shakira in her sexy new music video for her song “Rabiosa” featuring Pitbull.

Eh. He doesn’t make any valid points (you could just…not eat crust) and he omits the one valid point (dude obviously didn’t want sauce on his suit…oh right, he’s a common man like all of the Tea Partiers so God forbid we say that), but I don’t get the level of outright patriotism going forward. Yes, Jon Stewart’s rant on proper pizza eating was epic. But does anyone really give a shit outside of us arrogant New Yorkers? Probably not.

Personally, I’m most horrified by the desk in his Vlog setup. Couldn’t clear the paperwork up for a second, Donald? That makes you look more like a hoarder than a busy CEO type, I’d say. I wouldn’t be shocked to find cat skeletons and bags of human feces in his filing cabinet.

Every week on Guyism, I drop by to give a quick rundown of women who made headlines during the week for typical female flubs. This week we learn that even the most successful sex change surgery can’t take the bitch out of a woman, and that referencing an old school hip hop song is an acceptable way to appear like you’re not a racist. Enjoy.

You Might Be a Man Now, But You’re Still a Bitch… of the Week: Chaz Bono
Fresh off the table from sex change surgery, this bitch decided to offer his (?) services to Brangelina’s tomboy Shiloh. Chaz apparently thinks he’d be a valuable resource to the couple if they need to discuss the intricacies of transgender adolescents. Pretty presumptuous of you, huh manboobs? I mean, I rocked a glorified buzz cut for the first 14 years of my life and ran shit on the softball diamond. Still can’t say I’d be all too thrilled if someone very publicly labeled me an inner dude based off my arbitrary childhood habits. I think Brad and Angie are all set without you and your new-found skin stick diagnosing their child with gender confusion. Your mom may have left much to be desired in terms of femininity, but Shiloh’s genetically predisposed to be a smokeshow in about 10 years’ time. Go struggle to stay relevant elsewhere.

Bitter Ex-Bitch of the Week: Sheryl Sandberg
Sheryl is the former-Google-employee-turned-Facebook-COO who was brought on staff to bring a mature, organized voice to Zuckerberg’s frat-house of a company. Unfortunately her bitch tendencies trump her wisdom, since it was discovered this week that she was behind a poorly-executed slander campaign against Google’s Social Circle feature. Hell really hath no fury like a bitch scorned, huh? Bitch leaves Google for a cooler, younger man, but then Google steps up his game and drops something all the ladies will love, and suddenly this broad makes it her mission to make sure no one catches on. This story is just the Business Week version of that one ex you had that didn’t want you but wouldn’t let anyone else have you either. Just further proves that Facebook turns all women into crazy bitches.

You Look Really Racist Bitch of the Week: Sarah Palin
I’ve never really been a fan of the phrase “women should be seen and not heard,” but after a couple of this woman’s ridiculous statements, I see the idea behind it. Palin was among the few people who had a problem with Common attending the White House this week for an Evening of Poetry. To quote this eloquent politician, “The judgment is just so lacking of class and decency and all that’s good about America. They’re just inviting someone like me or someone else to ask, ‘C’mon Barack Obama who are you palling around with now?’… I’m not anti-rap. In fact, like Bret Baier, I know the lyrics to ‘Rapper’s Delight.’” Ohh, okay. For a second there it sounded like you thought Common was only invited to the White House because Obama is his brotha. But since you mentioned you’re familiar with the one rap song white people like that dropped 30+ years ago, it’s clear that you’re totally tuned into the cultural importance of hip hop and Common’s role as a skilled lyricist and activist. Thank God, I’d hate for people to think you’d judge a genre of music based on the race it appeals to. That’d really suck for your political future.

Overdoing It Bitch of the Week: Chelsea Charms
AKA the woman with 50-pound breast implants. She went on British television this week to discuss her rack. Here’s where me being a woman may cause me to miss the mark, so please correct me if I’m wrong… But what the eff is anyone going to do with this woman’s size 164XXXs? I appreciate big boobs as much as the next guy, but when it gets to the point where practicality is sacrificed for sheer enormity, I can’t help but think you’re overdoing it. Like, pretty sure this woman can no longer physically execute a decent reverse cowgirl. Or any position that requires her to be on top, for that matter. Unless she’s double-sports-bra-ing it like me on the treadmill, but even then what the hell’s the point of sleeping with a woman with the rack the size of a small child if you’re not gonna see nip? But like I said, maybe I’m totally off here and you all just went from 6 to midnight thinking about misplacing your penis in a sea of boobage during a game of titty titty bang bang. What do I know?

Bitch Who Can Maybe Hang of the Week: Cammie Nolan
Yeah, that’s right. My mother. She celebrated a birthday and Mother’s Day this week, so in lieu of taking that one-two punch to my bank account, I figured I’d gift her with some much-deserved public admiration. Think I’m biased? Let’s consider the facts: she’s a cancer-surviving MILF who can bar tend circles around me, and she spent her week pounding margaritas in Cancun whilst educating the locals about the strengths and weaknesses of the Bruins’ power play unit. Add in the fact that she’s an avid fan of my highly offensive blog, and will probably still love me even after publicly referencing my knowledge of girl-on-top sex positions right above this, and I really don’t think there’s much room for contest. Happy birthday, Ma.

Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon welcome twins
“…the baby girl was born first, weighing 5 lbs. 3 oz., and was 18 inches long; her brother was next, at 5 lbs. 6 oz., and was 19 inches.”

Justin Bieber gets egged while on stage in Sydney
“Eight eggs were thrown at the teen pop star while he was performing.”

Kristen Stewart wishes she could puke blood in birth scene
“…if you ask series star Kristen Stewart, the scene in which her character Bella Swan gives birth to Edward Cullen’s child could have been much bloodier.”

Mike Tyson’s tattoo artist sues to stop release of Hangover 2
“When Mr. Whitmill created the Original Tattoo, Mr Tyson agreed that Mr. Whitmill would own the artwork and thus, the copyright in the Original Tattoo.”

Sheen writes an open letter attacking Chuck Lorre
“They are planning on voting you off the AA island. Even those clowns have no room for you anymore.”

Lara Logan — attackers ‘raped me with their hands’
“I thought, not only am I going to die here, but it’s going to be just a torturous death that’s going to go on forever and ever and ever.”

Bon Jovi to tour without rehab-bound Richie Sambora
“Although he will be absent from upcoming shows for the time being, we very much look forward to his healthy return.”

January Jones is pregnant
“She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom.”

Sarah Palin sued for $100k over alleged traffic conspiracy
“…according to Thoma’s suit, Palin’s actions have caused a ‘chilling’ effect on his ability to exercise his federal constitutional rights.”

Chace Crawford cuts deal in pot case
“…if he meets certain conditions in the next 12 months, the case will be dismissed and there will be no criminal record.”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Brazilian actress Alice Braga in a sexy photo shoot for Vogue Brazil.

These days, children’s TV doesn’t take many chances. Shows are so concerned with being boycotted or sued that you get stuff like Dora the Explorer hanging out with a talking map cleverly named “Map”. But it hasn’t always been that way. Check out these shows and some of the creepy cultlike premises they were based on.

9 Fraggle Rock
Aired: HBO, 1983-87
Cult interests: Elaborate musical performances, living like Al Qaeda

The Fraggles were an odd group, held together by a dreamy, guitar-playing leader named Gobo. He was usually pretty even-tempered, presumably excluding the times he played Wonderwall for Fragglegals Red and Mokey in an effort to coerce them into “dream sharing” together (you see, Fraggles could share a common dream by laying together with heads touching as they go to sleep). And they were a cohesive unit, other than Wembley, the “out there” Fraggle. In this clip, he’s daring to fly.

Look at the way the Fraggles seem disgusted by how Wembley dares to be different or unconventional. So dismissive they are. Then again, when your cultish cohesion leads to beautifully performed numbers like the Fraggle Rock theme, I guess that’s a sacrifice you can afford to make.

8 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Aired: Syndicated/CBS, 1987-1996
Cult interests: Weapons training, cross-promotional ventures on everything from bath bubbles to pies with green goo in them

A group of immature, driftless mutant turtles are held together by two things: the rigid structure of martial arts and Splinter, their mutant rat father figure (who was basically just a random dude with no real relevance to their lives). Even their theme has an odd brainwashed type of repetition to it.

Donatello could have been a great scientist. Leonardo could have been the first Turtle-American nominee for President. Raphael could have been a famous personality. Michaelangelo… was kind of a retard, but he’d have figured it out. They all could have done great things, but instead they were living in a sewer, eating pizza with weird crap like peanut butter and polar bear entrails on it, being forced basically into slave heroism, and hoping that April O’Neil would through them a pity boning.

On the plus side, Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince was the voice of Shredder in the original cartoon. Man, you learn all kinds of crazy things on the Internet.

7 Power Rangers
Aired: FOX, ABC, Disney, ABC Family, Disney again, Nickelodeon… 1993-wow this thing is still going
Cult interests: Robots saying “ay yay yay”, bad voice dubbing

This is an odd one because, of all these shows on the list, the kids who made up the original Power Rangers were the most normal. They were good looking, athletic, charismatic, intelligent. But the siren song of controlling giant robots and listening to a talking floating head and his robot domestic partner was too much of a lure to keep these kids on the straight and narrow. He’s all floaty. Dreamlike. Who wouldn’t be sucked into that? Plus I’d get to learn kickass martial arts and drive around a badass robot (or a frog if you’re the black dude). Huh, you know, other than the always being on call and constantly having to explain to your parents why you smell like sparks and over-sized monster, seems like a sweet deal. You have to wonder though what the Rangers’ Angel Grove was like before all this. Were the monsters just integrated in society? What was Zordon up to? I’m going to guess a lot of daytime TV.

6 Captain Planet
Aired: TBS, 1990-96
Cult interests: Being green, multicultural “love-ins”

The lives of five seemingly incredibly different kids are brought together by one purpose, to serve a mulleted blue guy and some wacky fairy lady who only appears to them in visions. The show breeds contempt for society in the form of the constant attacks on industrialism (“Stop polluting, wah wah,” said Captain Planet while putting on his Maxi pad) and regularly has characters coming across some bizarre hallucinations, including a race of mouse people with odd sideburns.

The Planeteers are unified by the powers granted to them as a result of their symbiotic relationship. There’s no independence. In fact, in every episode one of the characters gets frustrated with being a part of this little multicultural creep factory, they end up getting into massive problems and have to beg their way back into the group. But Captain Planet probably isn’t the cult leader. He’s just a pawn for that invisible sex pot Gaia. Come on, what cult is kept together by love of the planet alone?

5 Are You Afraid of the Dark?
Aired: Nickelodeon, 1990-2000
Cult interests: Avoiding reality, buying new underpants

What do you do when you’re a child who doesn’t quite fit in? You seek a familial bond that you can’t find at home or at school. Such is the case of the Midnight Society, a group of pubescent kids who go into a forest every weekend and DON’T drink or hook up. While that might be better than the alternative theoretically, it’s pretty unhealthy.

These kids don’t really have anything common. They’re not pals. The only reason they stick together is because they terrify each other, gripping irrationally to absurd situations as a means of escaping their tortured reality of abusive families and torturous exclusion.

Except for Elisha Cuthbert, who appeared at the end of the show’s run. She was cool. She was probably just a spy for the government checking in on these freaks to see what’s up. Don’t lump her in with these other wads.

4 The Smurfs
Aired: Syndicated, 1981-89
Cult interests: Etymology, Vladimir Lenin

The Smurfs were all dressed the same with slight personality differences and every episode was based around the fundamental principle of one Smurf failing at life, turning to Papa Smurf for advice, and everything being okay. Papa Smurf ruled these Smurfs with an iron thumb. The comparisons of the Smurfs to communism have been made multiple times, but what about the comparisons of Papa Smurf to Jim Jones. He has his own little agricultural community, he had a power over all those that followed him, he was the one with the distinguishable outfit. But that would make Gargamel like Leo Ryan. And I don’t think that Leo Ryan wanted to eat the Jonestown inhabitants in a delicious Jones pie, though I guess I could be wrong.

3 Snorks
Aired: NBC, 1984-86
Cult interests: Saving money on scuba equipment, sucking

The Snorks was basically a bootleg version of the Smurfs in every way. And if Papa Smurf was the Jim Jones of cartoon cult leaders, Snork “leader” Allstar Seaworthy was the Marshall Applewhite. Only, unlike Papa Smurf, Allstar was out there trying to bed every Snork with an open Snorkhole. And, judging by this episode in which Allstar is trying to date two girls at once, there were a lot of open Snorkholes to be found.

You couldn’t go three minutes into any episode of the Snorks before you got sick of hearing the word Snork in every sentence. It wasn’t even like it was a verbal crutch or a language tool like with the Smurfs. They just tacked “snork” onto everything. Snorkball, the movie Snorkbusters, snorkplans, third snorkmester snorkbortions, ugh. I get it. It’s just so much less charming. It probably doesn’t help that they all seem to have pompous names; Wellington Wetworth, Samantha Waters, Allstar Seaworthy… it’s like Gossip Girl with little colorful people.

2 Powerpuff Girls
Aired: Cartoon Network, 1998-2005
Cult interests: Keeping diaries, Sarah Palin

They’re kind of adorable. And they’re empowering for girls. And their “dad” is kind of a boob who they run circles around, so maybe he’s not exactly David Koresh, but come on! They were made in a lab solely to fight battles for Professor Utonium. He’s too weak to control others so he just mixed some crap up in a blender and POW: Superhuman little adorable anime girls. Just like real life.

Also, totally unrelated, but WTF was up with their main adversary being a superintelligent monkey? Granted I’ve only seen the show here or there with my little cousins (regardless of the Powerpuff Girls’ ubiquitous presence on my comforter), but while I can suspend disbelief enough to buy girls being created in a lab by a scientist NOT for the purpose of sex (Weird Science was a documentary), the monkey thing… bit much.

1 Teletubbies
Aired: PBS, 1997-2001
Cult interests: Staring contests, hanging out in meadows

Just look at them, in the same outfits with different colors with the same lobotomized stares and inability to articulate themselves. The Teletubbies, to put it lightly, “aren’t all there.” The show wasn’t without its scrutiny, what with Tinky Winky being accused of being a twinky… winky. But it’s just weird to watch. Like they’re all lobotomized and with their stupid names and odd voices and kind of unhinged yet overly calm demeanors, it’s just all kind of disconcerting.

Good thing they couldn’t really form sentences, otherwise the dialogue might have featured Po going, “That doesn’t feel like a hand, Tinky Winky. Feels more like a finger! But it’s all swollen! Did you jam your finger? Oh… oh no. Oh no.” Anyway, these monstrosities against humanity had weird names probably bestowed upon them by some “higher power”… my guess: the creepy narrator throwing his voice. Listen to the way he talks. He knows what they’re doing a little too well if you ask me.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Olivia Wilde is now single again after eight years of marriage… to an Italian prince. I truly have no shot with her, do I?

— Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz also filed for divorce. Gotta say this one isn’t shocking me.

— Katy Perry and Russell Brand are already in marriage counseling. Still not shocking me.

— Speaking of Katy Perry, it seems that she is now complaining about having big boobs as a teen. Boo. Frickin’. Hoo.

— Eva Longoria and Eduardo Cruz were caught kissing on a boat in Miami. Who’s Eduardo Cruz again?

— Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari are reportedly going to be engaged soon. How someone knows this is beyond me, but it isn’t going to help Jay’s loveability factor in Chi-town.

— Speaking of athletes and their ladies, skateboarding legend Tony Hawk is sleeping with his best friend’s wife.

— Speaking of wives, Diane Kruger doesn’t believe in marriage.

— JWoww has a new book out.

— Minka Kelly is very smart and well-spoken.

— Lindsay Lohan was in court again. This time for ‘borrowing’ some jewelry. Here’s a shocker: She got bail despite her DUI probation being revoked. Viva la justice system!

— Jennifer Aniston banned Heidi Montag from a movie premiere (a movie Heidi appeared in). That almost makes me like Jennifer Aniston again. (UPDATE: Annd now I don’t like her again.)

— And finally, if you thought Christina Aguilera singing the national anthem was bad, well, there’s a good reason for that: she’s a wee bit crazy.

— Oh well, at least Xtina has Sarah Palin in her corner.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from the fine people over at FHM and features Vikki Blows (my favorite model name in the world) in her “smalls”, as they put it (silly Brits).

You can see more of Vikki Blows and the 100 Sexiest Women at FHM.com.

Morgan responded in kind with this hilarious albeit controversial line.

“Now let me tell you something about Sarah Palin man, she’s good masturbation material. The glasses and all that? Great masturbation material.”

Not surprisingly, TNT spokesman Jeff Pomeroy issued this statement a few hours later.

“It’s unfortunate Mr. Morgan showed a lack of judgment on our air with his inappropriate comments

I realize that most people will say the comments are inappropriate, but in my humble opinion, it should be considered flattering. In fact, I think it’s a great pick-up line at the bar. “Hey baby, I’m whacking off to you tonight”.

Worked better than my last one I tell ya. “Is that a keg in your pants, cause I’d like to tap that”.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

— Rihanna might get naked, just hot for Playboy. (A) She’s already been naked, and (B) She might as well get naked again with what she’s been wearing lately. This is the strict definition of a no-brainer.

— Emma Watson’s college experience is going quite well. If you don’t mind having fake nude photos of you being circulated around campus, that is.

— In a bit of shocking news, Madonna has been replaced by Victoria’s Secret Angels for the upcoming series of Dolce and Gabbana ads. My guess is that the computers doing all the airbrushing finally gave out.

— Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s totally sane mother, wants to sue Glee claiming that the show defamed LiLo by saying she was crazy and asking how many times Lindsay has been to rehab. Good luck winning that case.

— Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, it appears that she has a new sponsor. No, not the kind of sponsor she needs to stay on the wagon, she now appears to be sponsored by Pepsi. And if she isn’t, then the folks at Pepsi probably need to put a halt to this right away.

— And speaking of great parents, Britney Spears’ mom and dad got back together. Finally some stability in Brit’s life.

— Tony Danza interrupted the funeral of a friend of his by ripping into the priest for what he was saying. Why? Because he’s Tony Effin’ Danza, that’s why.

— In case you didn’t hear, Jessica Simpson is now engaged to former NFL tight end Eric Johnson. The best part: She had to buy her own engagement ring.

— Joan Baez fell out of a treehouse.

— Harrison Ford went on Conan and well, he might like alcohol.

— Jake Gyllenhaal might be gay or something, so says Anne Hathaway. Let me know if you figure out what she means.

— Tiger Woods wrote a personal letter/essay for Newsweek. Let me know if you understand a word of it.

— DMX got arrested. Again.

— Ryan Reynolds is the sexiest man alive, according to People magazine.

— Ellen Degeneres is the most likable person on the planet, according to other people.

— And finally, Sarah Palin thinks Michelle Obama doesn’t care about white people. Pffft, who does?

This weekend’s sexy video is a follow-up to that GQ photo shoot of Lea Michele and Dianna Agron of Glee fame that caused so much uproar, so if you are offended by hot babes in their 20′s doing things in their underpants pretending to be hot babes in high school doing things in their underpants then you might not want to watch. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Yeah, right…

A boy named Tre, who went to school with the Palin kids, wrote the following status update, “Sarah Palin’s Alaska, is failing so hard right now.”

16-year-old Willow responded:

“Haha your so gay. I have no idea who you are, But what I’ve seen pictures of, your disgusting … My sister had a kid and is still hot. Tre stfu. Your such a f**got.”

And Bristol even got into the mix!

She wrote a message to Tre saying, “You’re running your mouth just to talk sh*t.”

And then she sent another to someone named Jon saying, “You’ll be as successful as my baby daddy, And actually I do work my ass off. I’ve been a single mom for the last two years.”

Sarah Palin’s Daughter Uses Homophobic Slurs On Facebook [Perez Hilton]

Anyways, the Bengals’ receivers let everyone know that while they think Palin is cute, she certainly isn’t Playboy material.

Let’s be fair to Palin here. Politics aside, she’s a 46-year old working woman with five kids who doesn’t necessarily have time for constant facials, mani/pedi’s and the occasional boob job. So we here at Guyism are more than willing to grant her GILF status. If only because she has a decent pair of legs for a grandma.

>>> Mad Men’s January Jones not only did the walk of shame the other day, she also apparently had a bit of trouble keeping her car off of other cars (she may have been drunk), if you believe the fine men and women of the LAPD, who said, January “was driving a Range Rover … when she allegedly lost control, hit the other cars and caused some major damage. We’re told a witness reported the accident to police and claimed that January fled on foot after saying, ‘I can’t deal with this commotion.’” Yes, I hate it when I cause a commotion and have to deal with the consequences. Such a pain.

>>> Let’s just get our weekly dose of Lilo out of the way right now. As you know Lindsay Lohan got hauled back into court this week because her SCRAM bracelet went off, meaning she consumed alcohol (there is no argument here). And sensing the chance to jump back into the spotlight Lindsay’s mom Dina decided to drop some “truth” on us saying, “[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.” Except that doesn’t make any sense.

There is a bright side to this story though: The courts, being the great protectors of society that they are, have decided that if Lindsay just can’t help herself and MUST have a drink, she can. And it will only cost her $10,000 a drink. I put Lindsay’s court date in bankruptcy court somewhere around August 1 of this year.

Oh yeah, one more thing, Lindsay is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice. That should be fun.

>>> Speaking of former teen superstars/train wrecks, Britney Spears is back in the news… for allegedly sexually harassing one of her bodyguards. It really never ends for Brit and Lilo, does it?

>>> And speaking of celebrities who no matter what they do just can’t seem to get themselves into jail, Charlie Sheen, who last week was concerned about not being able to smoke during his incarceration, has managed to delay his lockup even longer thanks to the jail’s administrative officer who thinks Charile shouldn’t be eligible for work release. So now the jailers are even trying to keep him out of jail, or in jail, or something…

>>> Remember Sarah Palin? Well, she’s back in the news for something I thought I would never see. People are now speculating that the former VP candidate has had some re-construction done on her upper floor. Says the folks over at Wonkette, “we can report with confidence that at least two people with experience in having breasts say that Sarah Palin sure looks like she was trotting out some new work at the horse races on Sunday.” Consider this your political update for the year on this site.

>>> In news that surprises no one, because in general people are insane, Kristen Stewart has a stalker. I say people are insane, not because someone is stalking a celebrity, but because they chose her. K-Stew is, of course, taking it very seriously, insisting that no crazy “will keep me from living my own life”. I’m not supposed to root for the stalker here, right?

>>> Remember a week or two ago when I reported that “The Big One” Khloe Kardashian was pregnant with Lamar Odom’s child? Well, it’s not true, proving that indeed there is a God.

>>> Our favorite psycho supermodel, Naomi Campbell, made news again this week, and yeah, it’s pretty much for what you’d figure it was for. Naomi allegedly refused to walk up some stairs because a lift was broken – on a promotional appearance to plug her own perfume, then walked out of the live television show, and now she is being sued. How much would you give to make Naomi work at McDonald’s or as a secretary for a week? There’s a reality show I would watch.

>>> Eva Longoria is being sued by the former managers and co-owners of her restaurant Beso. They basically claim she strongarmed them and accused them of stealing and punching a customer, but, of course, they want their jobs back. It’s Beso, after all!!

>>> I told myself I wouldn’t talk about this, but in an effort to make sure that 100% of the population knows just how truly stupid Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are (98% just won’t do!) here we go… Heidi filed for separation from Spencer. Oh no!! You mean they might have a fake divorce of their fake marriage some day?!! Idiots…

>>> In news that is sure to register not a blip on your excitement meter, one of the “Real Housewives” of something or another is releasing a sex tape. Someone named Danielle Staub is featured in it. Yeah, I have no clue who she is either.

>>> In news that will bring a smile to your face, someone stole Kanye West’s car… his $133,000 Porsche Panamera. But wait, it gets better… He got the car back, but not until someone crashed it into a multimillion-dollar house. See? I told you it would make you smile!

>>> Oh yeah, Lady Gaga went to a Mets game, flipped off the fans, and kissed a chick. Just another day in the life…

Who wouldn’t watch The Sarah Palin Network? Well, at least for five minutes and then never again. I’ve watched worse. I mean, yesterday, I watched a baseball game with the New York Mets. I think I’ve already found my bottom.

See? How thoughtful of her. Three invisible men (or perhaps ghosts!) happen to be levitating by her head and, even as she’s in the middle of giving a speech, she finds the time to attempt to pleasure them. How can you not love this woman? Well, unless you’re the two in her hands. She’s gripping them awfully tight. That’s probably the worst part of being in a multiple male orgy with a woman. You’re really getting a raw deal if you’re not getting enough attention. I’d imagine if you’re in a situation like that, your ego isn’t doing well enough as is. Getting yanked around like a misbehaving dog or shamefully having to keep yourself fluffed up isn’t going to do a whole lot to aid your self worth. And here I thought this orgy was really going to help me grow as a human being.

If you were looking for future ex-governors with pasty white thunder thighs in short shorts, then you came to the right place.

Via the SI Vault, here’s a pic of Sarah Palin (#22) in her high school playing days.

I won’t rip on Mrs. Palin too heavily here as I also played in the “John Stockton short shorts era”. I’m hoping nobody outside of my parents has pictures of it either.

{Steady Burn}

From these angles it looks like she may have cut her hair too. On her head! What were you thinking??