Celebrity gossip items that you may have missed this week…

>>> LeAnn Rimes had very good reasons for cheating on her husband. None of which are going to make you feel very secure about your relationship with your white trash country singer girlfriend.

>>>

>>> LeAnn Rimes had very good reasons for cheating on her husband. None of which are going to make you feel very secure about your relationship with your white trash country singer girlfriend.

>>> Lindsay Lohan may host Saturday Night Live. See? Crime (and incompetence and lack any discernible talent or skill) does pay. Maybe. Oh yeah, Lindsay also failed her first drug test. And ADMITTED IT! Shocking…

>>> Jersey Shore’s Jenni “J-Woww” Farley is maybe/possibly going to pose for Playboy. At least she’s someone we haven’t already seen naked 100 times (Warning: Link is Not Safe For Christine O’Donnell).

>>> Blake Lively has kissed only three guys in her life. Believe it! Or not!

>>> Chelsea Handler’s sex tape is about to be released. If you care, which I don’t.

>>> John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston had intercourse again. Probably.

>>> Kate Walsh appeared in a sushi and sashimi dress on The Tonight Show in response to Lady Gaga’s meat dress. Now that one I would want to eat.

>>> Joaquin Phoenix was faking his crazy act. Ohhhhhhhhh… and I almost believed him.

>>> Oprah Winfrey is screwing Australia out of $3,000,000 as a result of her giving her audience… AN 8-DAY VACATION TO AUSTRALIA!!!!!!11!1!

>>> Owen Wilson will pee wherever the hell wants to pee, thankyouverymuch.

>>> Sarah Silverman is gonna get naked.

>>> Mel Gibson is still crazy… Seriously.

>>> Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt scammed a charity. Shocking, I know.

>>> Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga aren’t happy with their blow up sex dolls.

>>> Montana Fishburne checked into a mental institution. I’m guessing she used her real name there as well.

>>> Shaquille O’Neal was accused of computer hacking, destroying evidence. I would pay to see that.

>>> Vivid Entertainment’s president says that Karissa Shannon’s sex tape is most extreme celebrity sex tape ever. That, however, I would not pay money to see.

>>> George Michael’s life keeps getting better as he received an eight week sentence for driving stoned. If he could only get Lindsay Lohan’s judge-lawyer-legal system he’d be out in 10 days.

>>> And finally, if you see Miley Cyrus behind the wheel you might want to take cover.

We have a really sexy video today (no, not this one) courtesy of the fine folks at Armani who have hired Megan Fox to prance around in their underwear, which is good because I don’t see her getting any clothed work anytime soon.

I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic ]]>

I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic Park. Safe to say that I could survive by myself, but I thought about a perfect scenario for this and here is what I came up with.

First rule would be take all the cell phones and tell the women that you’re going to try and find a spot on the island that gets reception. Then when you’re out of sight, just dump them all in the water. Nobody is going to need those. The women on the island with you have the necessary skills to keep you alive and happy on even the smallest island. So if you’re for some reason stranded in the South Pacific and these 7 women are there with you, you’re probably going to want to just wait it out because you’re currently living on Fantasy Island.

Sarah Silverman – I’m imagining things get pretty boring when out on an island with no television or iPhones (you dumped those in the ocean, remember) and there are only so many Spongebob Squarepants episodes you can act out with a dead starfish and half a flip-flop before the medium becomes stale. You’re going to want someone funny to tell stories and entertain you, and with a repertoire of humor that spans the comedy gamut from semi-racist rants , to society hating sketches, and even delving into Matt Damon copulating music videos, you know Sarah Silverman would probably keep you laughing until the rescue team arrived. Or you would become offended that you decided to swim for it. Probably depends on what side of the fence you sit on.

Plus, she’s hot.

Karri Byron from Mythbusters – She can build just about anything out of just about anything. I figure with a pocketknife and a couple toothpicks, she’d be able to build a boat and sail your asses right off the island (Take that Gilligan!) And for those of you that think she’d need tools to be effective…she could probably build a good deal of those too. Kari has built a jetpack out of two liter bottles, she’s tested treating a jellyfish sting with vodka (Take that Dudley Moore!) and she has done not one, but two separate episodes about Jaws. All three of those things are going to come in handy on an island surrounded by water. Plus, Mythbusters has proved she’s a good shot with many different guns and loves to blow things up. She’s the Jill of all trades and possibly the most valuable woman on this list.

And of course, she’s kinda hot.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard – You’re going to want someone with strong swimming skills if you get stranded on an island surrounded by raging ocean. For a good portion of my life I have smoked and drank and spent as much time possible not exercising. I’m so lazy that in college people used to duct tape my head to the bathroom wall to keep me from drowning in the shower. That’s why having and Olympic swimmer like Ms.Beard would be your best bet if you ever wanted to catch food or search for sunken treasure.

Plus:

- She’s used to swimming a few miles a day. If a ship comes close to the island, she’d be the only person who could swim out far enough to get its attention. It’s almost like she’s been training for that moment her whole life.

- Treasure map. It’s inevitable that you’re going to find one, and if The Goonies taught us anything, it’s that you want to be a strong swimmer and make friends with any large lazy-eyed deformed mutant retards you might encounter while running from Italian crime families. It’s science people.

- She can hold her breath twice as long as everyone else. That’ll come in handy when searching for spots to fish and when you accidentally drop your keys off the rescue boat and you realize your AAA card expired two months after you landed on the island.

Plus, she’s freakin’ hot…

Hammasa Kohistani, Miss England 2005 – Dude, she’s from Kabul. Yes, that Kabul. She’s seen things that would make you weep openly, like a child with a skinned knee-that’s being shelled by incoming surface to air missiles. She is tougher and more level head than you and given the trauma she has suffered as a child growing up in the midst of a unimaginably horrifying holy war–a plane crash probably didn’t phase her as much as the other passengers. She’ll probably be the calmest of the bunch, so it’s probably best if you follow her lead early and often in the process. She also speaks 6 different languages, which is the skill you’ll find most helpful if you find inhabitants on the island speak some fruity language like French or you need someone to give directions on your oil tanker ride back to whatever port the nearest lawyer specializing in aviation disasters is currently residing.

Plus, she’s kinda hot.

Giada De Laurentiis, Host on Food Network – Some have claimed that the measurements on her Food Network program Everyday Italian are often inadequate and don’t translate well from television to real-life. As a heterosexual male, I will disagree. I feel that her measurements are far, far from inadequate. Wait—what. It’s a cooking show? Really? Oh, those measurements. Yeah, well the food she makes looks really good in HD and even though Italian cooking doesn’t use a lot of ingredients like pineapples, coconut oil, or fish, I’m willing to bet she is enough of a culinary expert to make it work. And I know culinary experts because my buddy is a culinary wizard down at the International House of Pancakes. He can make pancakes that are UN friendly in 8 different languages, including Swahili.

Plus, she’s really hot.

Marisa Miller – Why? Because she Marissa F*#^ing Miller! If you need any explanation for this at all, you are either blind, have had your genitalia mutilated in a horrible farming accident or are homosexual or possibly all three. I’m not judging. I’m simply stating facts here people. Win, lose or draw, you’re gonna want a SI swimsuit model/Victoria Secret model on the island.

Because she is super damn hot…

Kathy Griffin – She’s obnoxious, long winded and has no discernible talent. Get rid of her as soon as possible. The sound of her voice has been known to attract jackals and Bravo! Executives and trust me, you don’t want either of those things hovering around your campsite. Lions? Feed her to them. Blood-thirsty cannibals? Feed her to them. A plane full of comedy fans that somehow also find a way to your island? Don’t put her on. You’re better than that. Make them swim over to Dane Cook Island, at least over there they get to throw rocks at a has-been. You hate her, I hate her, so lets just feed her to the sharks and get it over with already.

Plus…she’s not talented or hot.

This article was written by BOH contributor Shawn. Follow him on Twitter. Please. He needs to feel loved.

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Jimmy Kimmel had it and blew it. Sarah Silverman is one hot female and plays it down, making her that much sexier. She has a great smile, wears her hair a million different ways, and her body kicks!

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It’s Rosh Hashanah today, also known as the Jewish New Year. What does that mean (other than that your Jewish coworker, Schmeckel, shouldn’t be off on December 31st or January 1st)? It means it’s a time to look at a few of my favorite Jewish things! Home decor: Menorah

It’s Rosh Hashanah today, also known as the Jewish New Year. What does that mean (other than that your Jewish coworker, Schmeckel, shouldn’t be off on December 31st or January 1st)? It means it’s a time to look at a few of my favorite Jewish things!

Home decor: Menorah

How do you improve upon a candle? BY MAKING SEVEN OF THEM IN ONE! Man, that’s clever. The “more is more” philosophy is also pretty in line with America’s, I’d say.

Societal convention: Circumcision

Have you seen an uncircumcised penis? It’s all hooded and shady looking. Looks kind of like one of the police drawings of the Unabomber.

Enemy: Mel Gibson

Good to see his hatred for the Jewish people didn’t force him out of a prominent starring roles in Hollywood. *looks at IMDB page… Oh.

Half-Jewess: Scarlett Johansson

She’s allegedly half-Jewish and now married to a Canadian in Ryan Reynolds. If she were full-Jewish, they would have been married six months ago, she’d be done acting, and they’d currently be at Marshalls looking for a good deal on home goods.

Full-Jewess: Sarah Silverman

She’s funny, she writes in Hollywood, and she enjoys a good Holocaust joke. Which would probably make her a bad Jew to many Jews, but a fun Jew for all of us gentiles.

Food: Bagels

They have dough, a hole…what more can you ask for in a meal?

Things they control: It’s a tie! The media and the world’s supply of matzo.

You have to admire how they run the media with such an iron fist but at the same time, they’ve really kept matzo under control. Nary a gentile around would willingly eat that unleavened disaster.

Joke: This one. Below.

Why did the Jews wander the desert for so many years?

Someone dropped a quarter.

It’s funny because why would they wander the desert for a QUARTER?!!?! OH HO HO! I SLAY ME.

Stereotypical performance: Judd Hirsch in Independence Day

Unfortunately I couldn’t find a Youtube, but if you ever want to see a man Jewing it up in the Jewiest way possible, check this out. A performance of a Jewish man this nuanced is typically reserved for 1940s German films.

So happy New Year, my Jewish friends. Let’s all drink sweet wines and be economically sound to celebrate. Hooray!