In fairness, the wooing added to the scene with the leather jacket-clad bully and Screech. A little Screech-based forcible gay sex never hurt anyone. Well, except Screech. A little rectal bleeding is just the price you pay for entertaining the masses.

Inappropriate Wooing of the Day [The Daily What]

Legalizing pot would lead to increased tax revenue and a substantial uptick in the sale of Funyons.

-Jason”

That’s a lot of pressure to put on one question, Jason. And I suppose technically there is no “official” stance on pot here. But if you’ve followed our site — and, in particular, my writing — over the years, you’ll see I have a very hands off policy about everything.

There’s no denying that pot is less detrimental than many other legal mind-altering substances (some studies even say legalization of pot can even lead to less traffic accidents). And there’d be a substantial economic benefit to the legalization and taxation of the product. So how could you logically be opposed to it other than old middle school posters that say smoking pot is a slippery slope leading to abuse and blowing a swarthy guy named Richie for crack.

My middle school obviously kept it far more “real” than most.

“Can you draw me a picture of a unicorn in a top hat?

-Miguel”

I’m going to take the blame for my making this column perhaps too open-ended. That said, I am a man of the people (who loves making mediocre drawings in Photoshop). And I respect, though don’t necessarily enjoy, the power of unicorns. So here it is.

Note: I found it alarmingly difficult to draw a straight pimp cane on a trackpad. I make no apologies.

“Which Saved by the Bell character would you be if you could pick one? Got to be a runaway win, right?

-Jesse

The obvious choice is Zack Morris so, despite how appealing that might be, I’m going to go unconventional. My choice…Team Albert Clifford Slater. The reasons:

What, can't two early 90s guys with a strange sexual tension just pose shirtless for no particular reason?

Debatable, sure. But you throw in some future affirmative action and I think there’s a compelling case for the spicy athletic Latino with the jheri curl.

And the winner of this week’s prize of a Bluray player, Michael Jackson: The Life of an Icon and three additional Universal DVD titles is:

A couple months ago, I was discussing with my best friend’s aunt the probability of myself marrying Zooey Deschanel. At that point in time, Ben Gibbard and Zooey were still married. I was telling my friend’s aunt my plans to capture Ben and hide him in a cage in the Congo until Zooey falls madly in love with me. She then told me that if I were to successfully do this and get Zooey to marry me, she would throw me the biggest wedding party imaginable. Now, a few days later, coincidentally enough it was announced that Ben and Zooey had split. I was one step closer to my dream.

Love always,
Andrew”

Pictured: The number two-ranked Deschanel on Fox

On a non-specific level, the key to picking up any woman — particularly a famous one like Ms. Deschanel — is to act like you deserve to get her. Not to be a douche or anything, but any insecurity will be sniffed out. On a high-value target like a Zooey or a Scarlett Johansson, you need to have A+ game without any failings, making the woman feel special and entirely common all at once. They receive the kid gloves treatment with everyone…by doing something unexpected, you’d be far more likely to stand out.

On a Zooey-specific level, I’d try to launch an Internet campaign of some sort with a creative viral vide, like those Marines who keep getting dates to their ball or the chick with cancer trying to date Joseph Gordon Levitt. Be creative, be hipsterish. She’s actually active on the Internet so there’s a decent chance it’d find its way to her. Maybe pretend to have lost a testicle in an accident? The world of sympathy is a blank slate.

Option Two: Kidnap Emily Deschanel. At least she’d be good for something for once.

PS: Your friend’s aunt would totally bang you. Sounds like she was flirting hardcore. Kidnap Emily Deschanel to win her over, too.

Want to see some advice, rhetorical questions, or colorful unicorns drawn for you? Email your questions to guyismeditor@guyism.com for a chance to get in next week’s Letters to the Guyism Editor with Chris Spags.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Halloween specials are a long-standing trope of the classic sitcom. While lesser shows may simply resort to crummy costumes and stereotypical spooky plotlines, others go all out to ensure that their Halloween specials are some of the most creative and memorable episodes of the entire show’s run. Of all the TV shows to ever air, here are the ten that had the best Halloween specials.

10 ‘How I Met Your Mother’
How I Met Your Mother has only had one full-fledged Halloween special, but it was a doozy. Titled Slutty Pumpkin, the special aired during the show’s first season and brilliantly lampoons the mother of all Halloween specials – It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. Instead of staying up to validate the existence of the Great Pumpkin, however, Ted sits atop his roof annually hoping to get another glimpse of the Slutty Pumpkin – a girl he met in that location years earlier. Add in Barney’s revolving door of costumes and a bunch of great one-liners, and this is easily one of the best Halloween specials in recent years.

9 ‘Scooby Doo’
Pretty much every episode of Scooby Doo could easily air on Halloween. However, the show has done a number of Halloween-specific episodes over the year. Of them all, the classic one we all grew up on is the Headless Horseman of Halloween (first aired in 1976). The episode starts out innocently enough with the gang heading out for a good time at a normal Halloween party. However, the headless horseman shows up to ruin the festivities…with traditional Scooby Doo hi-jinks to ensue. The episode is also one of the first appearances of Scooby-Dum – Scooby Doo’s dumber, inbred cousin.

8 ‘Saved by the Bell’
Among all the memorable Saved by the Bell episodes, the Mystery Weekend episode has always stood out in my mind. Part of this is likely because it takes place wholly outside of Bayside High – revolving instead around a theatre-type murder mystery at an old-timey mansion. In classic Clue form, hidden passageways, disappearing guests and a big “murder” reveal at the end all add up to a particularly campy whodunit.

7 ‘The Office’
So far, The Office has graced its audience with three different Halloween specials (a fourth airs this week). The great thing about all of them is that the show’s writers use the holiday as a complement to more traditional storylines – a fact that helps make The Office Halloween specials some of the most realistic and relatable. For example, in the show’s first Halloween special (Halloween, 2005), the episode revolves around Michael struggling to fire someone and Jim and Pam’s still-budding romance. Add in classic costumes like Two-Headed Michael Scott and Three-Hole Punch Jim, and The Office is a great place to spend your October holiday.

6 ‘The Adventures of Pete and Pete’
In its short run, The Adventures of Pete and Pete only managed to produce one Halloween special (dubbed Halloweenie). However, the episode serves as a classic example of the show’s quirky amazing-ness. Though the episode starts out with two wholly different storylines – Little Pete wants to break the trick-or-treating record for most houses visited and Big Pete fears being terrorized by the “Pumpkin Eters” (yes, Eters) teen gang – they eventually intersect to create a completely unique and satisfying conclusion.

5 ‘Beavis and Butthead’
We have the epically titled Beavis and Butthead episode Butt-o-ween to thank for the introduction of Beavis’ Great Bungholio. After stealing candy from some kids who come their door, the two decide to go trick-or-treating themselves. After ingesting way too much candy, Beavis’ sugar rush transforms him into his oft-quoted alter ego.

4 ‘South Park’
Every time South Park chooses to do a Halloween special, they succeed in typical hilarious fashion. Whether it’s a bottle of Worcester sauce causing a zombie invasion or a classic Scooby-Doo-inspired visit from the band Korn, the show’s Halloween episodes are easily some of its best. Of course, put Cartman in a Hitler costume and Stan in a Raggedy Andy costume, and you’ve got a whole lot of icing on the cake.

3 ‘Home Improvement’
Home Improvement is a sitcom that doesn’t really stand up to the tests of time. However, during the 1990s is was a ratings juggernaut that committed to doing a full-fledged Halloween episode every single season. For this commitment to the holiday, we must take a moment to honor the Taylors and their annual attempt to outdo each other in terms of costumes and home decorations.

2 ‘Roseanne’
Ever year, the Connors went all out on Halloween to deliver a truly memorable holiday special. Despite their perennially empty pocket books, the family always managed to pool enough money together to dress up in epic costumes and deck their home out in true haunted house fashion. Much like The Office, the pranks and plots in the episodes didn’t seem contrived or out of character for the Connor family. Of course, seeing Dan chase after Roseanne with a revving chainsaw is always a good time.

1 ‘The Simpsons’
When it comes to a number one for this list, there really is no show that comes close to The Simpsons. For over twenty years, The Simpsons’ Treehouse of Horror has become an institution of global television. While there are far too many classic moments to list here, a few that spring to mind include the Evil Krusty Doll, The Shinning, 3D Homer and Homer selling his soul to Devil Ned for a donut.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d take some time on the weekends to share a few classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Tormented for their odd behavior and rejected for their over sized IQs, sitcom nerds have it pretty rough sometimes. Their foibles can often yield some of the best laughs in a series and bring a touch of vulnerability to a shows cast. Here are eight pocket protector carrying nerds from today and yesterday who brought the funny.

8 Willy Gilligan
The iconic red shirted klutz played by Bob Denver was responsible for shipwrecking the S.S. Minnow in the 1960s sitcom Gilligan’s Island. That right there is grounds for being offered as human sacrifice to any island savages. Unlike most of the other nerds on the list, Gilligan is not known for being brainy and often thwarts any attempts to get off the island throughout the series. Given the choice of voting anyone off the island — Gilligan, you’re out. Mary Ann can stay in my hut.

7 Dwight Schrute
Dwight, of NBC’s The Office is a nerd who longs to be a badass. He possesses a vast, if not somewhat questionable knowledge of bears, martial arts and survival skills. He’s an effective salesperson and his lack of humor and hunger for authority often make him the butt of office pranks at the hand of rival Jim Halpert and secretary Pam. Although, he scores one for all nerd-kind and actually bags the second hottest girl in the office, Angela, only to lose her then get her back again. “Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it.”

6 Warren “Potsie” Weber
Known for not being socially clumsy, a poor athlete and not the brightest bulb, Potsie was definitely the “square” in the Happy Days gang. Close friend of somewhat cooler, Richie Cunningham, Potsie was one of the few characters to make it through the show’s entire run. His attempts at crooning to impress the ladies at teen hangout Arnold’s, were often met with good-natured ridicule from his peers. Don’t sweat it, Pots. If the ladies don’t appreciate a good Perry Como song, the Fonz still loves ya!

5 Carlton Banks
Carlton played Will Smith’s annoying cousin for six seasons on the ’90s sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. The guy was the epitome of a rich, arrogant, preppy nerd. Nobody wore a sweater vest and plaid shorts better than Princeton hope-full, young Republican Carlton. His short stature and naivety provided for some of Will Smith’s best jokes in the series. Carlton was an expert at “cock-blocking” himself by busting out his signature “Carlton dance” to the tune of “It’s Not Unusual” at any social event.

4 Samuel “Screech” Powers
Actor Dustin Diamond milked the character of “Screech” for every penny possible, appearing in four different versions of Saved by the Bell. Awkward, skinny, and horrible with girls, yet somehow Screech still gets to hang out with the cool kids. Sitcom nerds never have much luck with the ladies and Screech was no exception. Constantly pursuing the only black girl in the school, “Lisa Turtle” he was rejected time and time again. Today, actor Dustin Diamond seems to be trying his hardest to shed his “nerdy” image, appearing in celebrity boxing matches, releasing a sex tape and tell all book.

3 Sheldon Cooper
Top honors for the brainiest nerd on the list go to The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper. A child prodigy with a master’s degree in physics, two Ph. D.s and an IQ off the charts. But while Sheldon maybe be putting other nerds to shame in the smarts department he completely lacks any sense of humor or humility. He’s got a bad case of obsessive compulsive disorder and isn’t too good at giving hugs — even to hottie neighbor Penny. In a nutshell, the guy is straight up weird, thus making him a perfect fit for the show’s cast.

2 Milhouse Van Houten
The Simpsons cast is full of some great nerds, Professor Frink, Comic Book Guy, and Martin Prince. But this is my article and I like Milhouse the best. Named after President Richard Milhous Nixon, why Bart chose Milhouse for a best friend is anybody’s guess. Smooth with the ladies he is not, and he constantly fantasizes about a relationship with crush, Lisa Simpson. He’s the only character in Springfield with eyebrows and was once the proud owner of Bart Simpson’s soul. “I traded your soul for Alf pogs. Remember Alf? He’s back. In pog form.”

1 Steve Urkel
Probably no other character in TV history embodied the nerd stereotype more than Urkel on ABC’s Family Matters. Thick glasses, high-water pants, nasal laugh and bumbling klutz — Steve Urkel was born with a wedgie. Originally, penned as a single episode character, he became extremely popular and terrorized the Winslow family for nine seasons. A love for cheese and Laura Winslow, the popularity of his nerdy character spawned several spin-off characters. The equally nerdy cousin, Myrtle Urkel and slick alter ego Stefan Urquelle were both played by Jaleel White. Famous quote: “Did I do that?”

By their very nature, television characters are a little more extreme in their behavior than people in real life. I mean, they kind of have to be if people are going to watch their shows. Still, some of our favorite characters from the small screen take this behavior a little too far over the line every once in a while. Sure, they get away with it in TV land but in the real world, these eight beloved characters would likely end up in jail or at the very least be greeted with the ol’ side eye by anyone with a lick of sense. So let’s take a look at some of these creepy characters and see if we can’t make TV land just a little safer in the process. We do this because we care, and also because we’re completely ridiculous. You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.

8 Zack Morris – Saved by the Bell
What’s so creepy about Zack Morris? After all, he’s popular, good looking, charismatic and he once dated a homeless chick. Well, I’ll tell you: Zack Morris is damn near a sociopath, his generation’s Patrick Bateman. Incredibly glib, Zack plows through cheerleaders, his boss’s daughter, his best friend’s sister, the new girl in school, a chick in a wheelchair, the aforementioned homeless girl, and scores more, all with a plastic smile on his face and a quip at the ready whenever anyone calls him on his bullshit. He keeps an incredibly creepy nerd around named Screech who he shamelessly uses to further his schemes like some modern day Igor and then whenever anything blows up in his face, he actually stops time, further illustrating that the people in his life are basically inanimate chess pieces for him to maneuver around whenever he wants. He’s a near genius but a shitty student, devotes most of his time to ruining the life of his principal, and what’s worse, he now stars in Franklin & Bash. Obviously, this is a man who has no sense of decency or no regard for his fellow man.

7 Howard Wolowitz – The Big Bang Theory
Howard Wolowitz may be the horniest man who ever lived. And he’s not shy about it either. Sure, sure, it’s all fun and games when you’ve got a laugh track backing you up, but in real life, he would be dealing with a dozen restraining orders and he’d probably be forced to introduce himself to all of his neighbors as a registered sex offender. The dude has a weird, old married couple-ish relationship with his shrieking harridan of a mother, and it’s probably only a matter of time before Sheldon, Leonard and the gang show up at his place only to find him wearing the old lady’s clothes while her body decomposes in the cellar. I’m already dreading the inevitable CSI/The Big Bang Theory crossover episode when Howard finally snaps. My god, there will be semen and tears everywhere. Oh, and laughter too, if only because the laugh track is a monster with no sense of right or wrong.

6 Alf – Alf
Look man, Alf might seem like just a loveable old puppet, but let’s not forget, this degenerate is a maniac who likes nothing more than eating the family cat and making life a living hell for the poor, suffering family that made the mistake of giving him a home. The biggest mistake that family ever made was assuming that Alf could even understand their basic human morality. Alf is an alien. He doesn’t respond to the same things that the human heart responds to. It’s only a matter of time before Willie comes home to find his kids dissected, Alf covered in their blood, and the living room littered with the corpses of neighborhood cats. You go ahead and tell me that I’m overreacting but I’ve seen Independence Day. I’ve watched Alien. These sons of bitches aren’t messing around.

5 Charles – Charles in Charge
On the surface, Charles is just a good-natured, hard-working young college student. But don’t you think there is something weird about a dude who takes a job as a nanny and then spends all of his time completely assimilating into the world of the family that pays him to take care of their kids? I mean, doing a good job is one thing, but Charles –- along with his horny scuzzbucket of a best friend, Buddy Lembeck –- makes himself so ubiquitous in that house that even after the family moves away, no doubt from crippling fear, he stays behind and just attaches himself to the new family that moves in, like some sort of terrible leech. At best, Charles is a dude who doesn’t quite understand the concept of boundaries. At worst, he is a complete psychopath who won’t rest until he is in control of every aspect of that family’s life. Who even knows what atrocities Buddy Lembeck has committed? I fear it’s only a matter of time before all the women in that household are pregnant, the house itself is fortified and Buddy declares Charles the second coming of Christ. The reason Charles’ last name is never given on the show is no doubt because it is something like Manson or Koresh. Nobody needs another Waco.

4 Fez – That 70’s Show
How is this dude not in federal prison for various sex crimes? How has he not been deported? Somehow, all of his friends tolerate him even though he damn near has to be forcibly restrained from attacking the girls in the group. He hides in their closets, in trees, under the bed, anywhere he can just so he can ogle them. Once again, the evil laugh track saves him from being exposed as the utter pervert and scandalous degenerate that he is, but even the laugh track has its limits. I mean, there are several episodes when the other characters come right out and say he’s a pervert. He’s tried to bone every lady who’s ever crossed his path, he once molested Eric’s mother at the supermarket, he secretly married the Foreman’s slutty daughter and still they actually let this cretin sleep under their roof for a while! He is a hopeless porn addict with no clue how to talk to real women and still, somehow, he ends up getting Mila Kunis to fall in love with him. I… I give up.

3 Mr. Rogers – Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
Before you freak out on me, just hear me out, okay? The dude lives alone with a house full of puppets, always has that dazed smile on his face that makes him look like he’s been huffing paint thinner or doing whippets with the mailman, he dresses fastidiously, in that way that only anally retentive serial killer types do, his voice sounds like that old pervert’s on Family Guy, and he devotes his entire life to behaving like an elderly child. Do I really have to say anything else? Who even knows what kind of horrors those poor puppets have been exposed to over the years? Here are some lyrics from his theme song: “So let’s make the most of this beautiful day, since we’re together, we might as well say, would you be mine? Could you be mine? Won’t you be my… neighbor.” Just picture him quietly whispering those words with his pants off. Case closed. Also, I understand if you need to go shower in acid now and maybe talk to a therapist. I’ll wait until you get back.

2 The Situation – Jersey Shore
Technically, The Situation is not a fictional character, but… come on. Somehow, I doubt the real Mike Sorrentino behaves just like his reality show alter ego in real life because if he did then there’s no way he wouldn’t have ended up in jail or beaten to death by an enraged husband by now. I mean, this dude makes even Ben Roethlisberger say “Come on, bro, ease up.” Hardly an episode goes by when he isn’t cornering some poor girl at the club, feeling her up and whining at her to come back to the smush room with him. Even his fellow degenerate housemates think he comes on too strong and those dudes would sexually harass a baboon. And let’s not forget the time that he made a sandwich and then sat there in the dark and ate the damn thing while he watched his friend and roommate, Pauly D, have sex with some poor girl. I mean… what?

1 Mr. Belding – Saved by the Bell
Mr. Belding spent several years so obsessed with his arch-nemesis, Zack Morris, that he actually moved across the country from Indiana to California just so he could continue their little f’d up tango. He then spent the next few years uncomfortably injecting himself into the lives of Zack and his friends, well beyond the point of normalcy. I mean, come on, the dude even ended up vacationing in Hawaii “coincidentally” at the same time that Zack and the gang were there. I’m guessing he probably had pictures of Zack plastered all over his house. He probably called him to the office every day just so he could gaze into his eyes. But eventually Zack got away from him and Belding was left to settle for Zack’s scraps, namely Screech. The two of them developed some sort of bizarre relationship that saw Screech serve as Belding’s lackey the same way that he had for Zack. We’re just lucky the show ended before the inevitable murder/suicide. They would have found Screech dead and Belding sprawled out naked, a gun in his hand, a creepy smile on his face and a Zack Morris wig on his head. You know I’m right. And that’s why Mr. Belding is number one on this list. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a shower and scrub my brain with bleach.

You can click through to more adventures from this video…it’s pretty fantastic, not unlike a “Choose Your Own Adventure” but with many hilarious little jokes sprinkled in. Just phenomenally well done.

When choosing who to help in the first video above, the obvious answer is Kelly. Friendship and Jesse’s drug addiction are great and all, but only one of these plotlines is going to have a direct impact on my character’s dick getting wet. Kelly and her hobo dad are the logical choice.

The sitcom is a staple of the American television experience. Wholesome, simple, for years its familiar laugh track has served as the cue for us to turn off our brains, curl up on the couch and descend into a blissful, stupid nirvana. But beneath the placid simplicity of these shows which have contributed mightily to television’s well deserved nickname of the idiot box, there occasionally lies a disturbing world of weirdos, degenerates and outright freaks. We thought we’d take a look at a few of these shows and hopefully, through this, you can learn that sometimes the simple sitcom isn’t so simple, but is a roiling cauldron of sin, depression and utter depravity. Ahem. I’ll calm down now. Anyway, let’s do this.

7 Saved by the Bell
While, on the surface, this simple show about high school kids in Southern California seemed innocent and wholesome enough, the reality is much more sinister. First of all, Zach Morris was damn near a sociopath. Ultra-charismatic, good looking, from a fairly well off family, he was almost the teenaged version of Patrick Bateman. Zach did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and didn’t care about the consequences. And he did it all with a smile and an easy charm. It wouldn’t be that hard to imagine a 30 year-old Zach ordering his good buddy Screech to dig a grave in the backyard while he chases a hooker or two through his house, naked, wielding a chainsaw. And don’t even get me started on Mr. Belding, that hapless old fiend. As the years go by, he finds himself sucked deeper and deeper into the world and personal lives of a bunch of teenagers. And everyone is fine with this! They even all found themselves “coincidentally” vacationing at the same Hawaiian beach resort. By the time Kelly and Jesse disappeared in the final season, I’m guessing Zach and Belding would have been running neck and neck in the suspect department.

6 Charles in Charge
Originally, young Charles, played by Scott Baio, was a college student hired to work as a live-in babysitter by the Pembroke family. I know if I needed to hire a live-in babysitter, the first person I’d turn to would be some random college dude. I mean… come on. But it gets weirder -– and far more disturbing — than that. Eventually, the Pembroke family is ordered to move across country by the good people at Nielsen and in moves the Powell family and somehow, Charles is apparently just sold right along with the house, because he immediately becomes the live-in babysitter for this new family. Hey, why not? I mean, sure, he’s just a college kid we found living in the basement of our new house and he has a creepy best friend who may be the horniest man alive and yeah, we have two teenaged daughters, but what the hell, it’s hard to find good help these days. Really?

5 Alf
This one’s sort of self-explanatory, right? I mean, come on, the whole plot of the show revolves around a nice, normal family essentially adopting an alien. Yeah, Alf looks like a Muppet and he’s quick with the jokes, but still, would you allow an alien to just chill in your house when you’ve got kids running around? Especially a slovenly, cynical asshole of an alien with a ravenous appetite? “Hey Alf, can you watch the kids while I run to the supermarket?” “Sure thing, Willie!” “Thanks, pal. Oh, and Alf? Can you try not to eat the damn cat or probe the children?” “No promises, Willie.” Sounds like a good situation to me!

4 Full House
Probably most famous for spawning the demon Olsen Twins and for Bob Saget playing perhaps the lamest man who ever lived, Full House was for years a staple of ABC’s TGIF lineup of shows. But what no one ever really talks about was how weird it was that Danny Tanner willingly created an environment in which his daughters essentially had three fathers all living under the same roof. I mean, it’s weird enough for a single father to live with his kids and two other single dudes, right? That generally doesn’t happen. But he basically let these two other dudes raise his kids right along with him. Hey, why not? Yeah, I get that Uncle Jesse was legitimately the kids’ uncle, but who the hell was Joey? Just some extremely weird dude who did weird voices and banged Alanis Morissette on the side. And then, after Uncle Jesse got married and had a couple of kids of his own, they still all lived together. What in the hell? Wouldn’t Jesse’s wife be all “Hey, yo, you think maybe we should get a place of our own?” I know San Francisco is an expensive city, but it’s not like any of these people were stone broke, you know? Friends are important, but this show carried that a little too far.

3 Everybody Loves Raymond
On the surface, there isn’t much about this show that is weird or creepy. But a closer look reveals this to be maybe the most depressing show ever to air on television. That may sound hyperbolic, but take away the laugh track and tell me this isn’t a show about a man drifting inexorably towards a tragic suicide. His mother is the worst person in the history of the world, his wife is a mean old shrew who constantly nags him, his brother is a sad sack loser who seems like he’s always on the verge of eating his own gun and his dad is a rotten old man who hates everyone. Sounds like a fun life there, Raymond. Again, take away the laugh track and this show is just depressing as hell. I’m surprised it didn’t end with Raymond’s parents being hauled away in body-bags after the inevitable murder suicide and Raymond driving his car into the ocean just to escape from it all.

2 Small Wonder
Much like Alf, the biggest issue surrounding Small Wonder is that it involves a father willingly allowing a dangerous creature/robot to live with his kids. But what makes Small Wonder infinitely more creepy is that the father willingly created a robot little girl with robot strength and no real understanding of human morals or emotions and then took the little girl robot home with him to live with him and his family. There are so many creepy things in that last sentence that I don’t even know where to begin. Why exactly did this dude feel the need to create a robot little girl? How does he justify the fact that he allows this robot, who can think and reason and probably kill, to live alongside his own son? How soon before the robot decides it’s curious about human anatomy and the dude walks in only to find the robot digging through the entrails and organs of his boy? At least Alf had an innate sense of morality. I mean, John Conner went through a lot of crazy shit to ensure things like this wouldn’t happen.

1 Hogan’s Heroes
This was a comedy that took place in a Nazi POW camp during World War II. This was a comedy that took place in a Nazi POW camp during World War II. This was a comedy that took place in a Nazi POW camp during World War II. This was a comedy that took place in a Nazi POW camp during World War II. THIS WAS A COMEDY THAT TOOK PLACE IN A NAZI POW CAMP DURING WORLD WAR II. THIS WAS A COMEDY THAT TOOK PLACE IN A NAZI POW CAMP DURING WORLD WAR II. How could anything else be number one on this list?

You may be familiar with the A&E show Intervention, a show chronicling people’s journeys to get a loved one into rehab. It’s real, gritty, touching, and often depressing. Addiction is a serious problem, when presented in most situations. Unless it’s taken so far that it becomes hilarious.

7 Jessie Spano’s Caffeine Pill Addiction
Saved by the Bell’s Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) was feeling a bit overextended. You see, Zack had an uncle who was looking for a hot new girl band… somehow performing at local burger joint “The Max” would end with the girls of SBTB being the female New Kids on the Block (which, at the time, was not meant to be hilarious). Anyway Jessie is doing way too much… class, singing, buying leg-warmers, so she takes caffeine pills. This ends with a caffeine pill binge, Zack coming to save Jessie from herself and, of course, a stirring rendition of The Pointer Sisters’ hit “I’m So Excited”.

When you wake up one day in the gutter with a bottle of Jolt Cola by your side, then and only then will you know Jessie’s pains.

6 Aaron Henry’s Steroid Addiction
HBO wasn’t always a safe haven for well-acted, critically acclaimed drama. For categorical evidence, look no further than HBO series Lifestories: Families in Crisis. Let’s be honest… Ben Affleck, not so great of an actor. And when you combine his poor acting with heavy-handed afterschool special-ish TV, you get this gem about steroid addiction. Check out Ben Affleck’s roid rage from Body to Die For: The Aaron Henry Story.

Roid Rage is thrown around quite a bit by the media, often in sensationalist ways. But one needn’t look further than the grounded portrayal of steroid addiction painted above to understand the gravity of the problem. Particularly the smashing, woman punching, and floor humping involved.

5 Dylan McKay’s Alcohol Addiction
Beverly Hills 90210′s Dylan McKay (Luke Perry) was always the quintessential rebel with a heart of gold. Presumably gold due to all of the Goldschlager running through his veins. Dylan liked the drugs and, more importantly, the alcohol. In the clip below, he walks into a benefit and finds that Brandon (Jason Priestly) is dating his on-and-off girlfriend Kelly (whatsherface). If there’s a problem kicking your feet up on the table and drinking wine out of the bottle can’t solve, I haven’t seen it.

Fans of the show would be dismayed to find Dylan upon his return to the show casually drinking champagne with the rest of the 90210ers. Because alcoholics who went to rehab always like to hang out with some alcohol after achieving sobriety yet somehow avoid relapses. Truly a realistic depiction.

4 Demetrius “DH” Harris’ Crack Addiction
The ESPN show Playmakers was so gritty and real that the NFL demanded the show be removed if the network wanted to continue their partnership. And by gritty and real, I mean outlandishly far-fetched and borderline libelous to anyone who’s ever played Madden, let alone actually been a professional football player. Fans were treated to sensational story lines like domestic violence, murder, homosexuality (and subsequent discrimination) and, of course, the crack addiction of top running back Demetrius “DH” Harris (Omar Gooding).

Unfortunately there aren’t any clips to be found on the Internet of the show (damn you ESPN), but the gist is as follows: DH is addicted to crack, in spite of being an elite-caliber professional football running back (a position that requires you to be in fairly good health. Health typically not associated with crack addicts, if I’m not mistaken). During one episode, DH is trying to get off crack but finds himself unable. At halftime of a game, the team trainer tells DH he’s dehydrated but DH knows better. He calls his drug dealer who brings crack to the parking lot. However, as DH tries to get to his crack, he passes out in a pool of his own vomit. He then comes to and asks a teammate to buy his crack for him. The teammate does, then helps DH smoke his crack. Seconds later, DH is fine again and plays a great half of football. Crack: the performance enhancing drug the media doesn’t want you to know about.

3 Robbie the Dinosaur’s “Steroid” Addiction
Performance enhancement is a popular source of comical addiction as the second steroid-themed entry comes via ABC hit Dinosaurs. While the show was known for its lighthearted comedy in the form of the baby violently assaulting his father while screaming “Not the mama,” it strayed into serious tones when the teenage dinosaur, Robbie, tried steroids (or the dino equivalent, in the form of live, angry-looking Koosh balls).

The clip’s a little long, but basically Robbie takes steroids, gets huge overnight, rips a sink out of the wall, attacks his drug dealer, is a dick to his girlfriend, and ends up crying after a rampage. So basically, he’s like your dad, only with less whiskey involved.

2 Michael’s Marijuana Addiction
The 80s were a crazy time… did you know there was a slightly more competent Bush in the White House at one point? Well there was! And he had a lot of great ideas, including his anti-drug campaign which resulted in this. The story chronicles a kid named Michael and his rampant uses of the horrific drug marijuana. He steals money from his sister, takes beer from his father, and hangs out with a bad crowd… including an amorphous blob of marijuana smoke cleverly named “Smoke”. Fortunately, the horrific effects of marijuana have finally manifested a useful hallucination when a group of cartoon characters appear to Michael in a drug fueled haze.

If you’re feeling nostalgic, you can watch the full show here. The horror of seeing Alvin and the Chipmunks while stoned out of his mind somehow leads Michael pack to a path of righteousness instead of to a box of Yodels like it does with most people.

1 Alf’s Cat Addiction

The most absurd of all of the addictions above is arguably the most heartbreaking. Alf was an alien, so his standards of addiction varied a bit. But his obsession with eating cats was fairly evident throughout the show. Alf mentioned eating a cat in just about every episode, including mocking the funeral of family pet “Lucky” by saying that a funeral for the cat was asking to “holding a funeral for a hamburger”. While his Earth family didn’t exactly enable him (other than cat-sized rolls, as pictured above), they didn’t really do anything to deter him either.

So when Alf’s addiction to eating cats manifests itself, it’s a hilarious little punchline… but when I murder a cat and eat it, I’m “predisposed to be a serial killer”. Whatever.

Unfortunately, the network recently cut back on the two hours of SBTB it was running and now only airs the show from 8-9. As someone who works from home, trust me: this is a major problem. There’s no new sports news rolling until 9, and while DVR is nice, and DVDs are fun, they’re not start-your-day-with-perky-Kelly-Kapowski fun.

Well, a group of SBTB fans on Facebook are NOT happy about it, and they’re trying to generate support for their cause on their aptly-titled Facebook group, “Saved by the Bell NOW!” Although they’re helping to save it with a well-photoshopped campaign, “Save the Bell on TBS!” Here is their message.

Dear BELL Fans, You might have noticed that TBS Very Funny is airing #SBTB only for 1 hour now, beginning at 8-9am, rather than their traditional 2 hour, 7-9am slot. We want to bring it back to the regular 4 hour block. Please, please help by contacting TBS on their Facebook page, Twitter (@tbsveryfunny), or send them them an email (support@tbs.com), letting them know we want BELL back beginning at 7am for 4 back-to- back episodes for future generations! Thank you! -Erika @ SBTB:NOW!

So what am I suggesting you do? Well, hell, it’s Saved by the Bell, so go over there and click “Like.” And then send an email to TBS if you’ve got some spare time and/or aren’t lazy.

I mean, honestly, you want TBS to deprive the world of an extra hour of THIS?

Kirstie Alley calls George Lopez ‘a drunk pig’ in response to mean joke
“‘She did a nice job,’ George joked after showing a clip of Kirstie dancing with pro partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy. ‘Her little hooves tapping away.’”

Lindsay to drop ‘Lohan’ from her name, says mom
“Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and [younger daughter] Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan.”

Lindsay Lohan is costing taxpayers a lot of money
“It has been four years, and we’re talking about quite a few county law enforcement professionals, so it is probably safe to say several million dollars.”

Ashley Greene seen getting cozy with Chris Evans
“Ashley was all over [Chris], and he certainly didn’t mind. They were dancing together very closely. It looked like they had a lot of sexual chemistry.”

Newly single Jessica Biel flirts with Gerard Butler
“When Gerry got there, he made a beeline for Jessica. He was really flirting with her.”

Beyonce has over a million Twitter followers and hasn’t made a single tweet
“The account – which Twitter has yet to verify – is following fellow former Destiny Child divas Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland, as well as Beyonce’s sister, Solange Knowles.”

Lady Gaga thinks Rebecca Black is a genius
“I say Rebecca Black is a genius and that anybody telling her she’s cheesy is full of shit.”

Cops called after Vince Neil goes ballistic in Vegas
“A battery report was filed against Vince Neil last night in Las Vegas after an alleged altercation with his ex-girlfriend.”

Gwen Stefani donates $1 million to Japanese earthquake relief
“Other artists who’ve stepped up to aid the people of Japan include Hanson, Ne-Yo, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Justin Bieber.”

Lil Wayne’s producer suing him for $20 million
“Darius Harrison, known as Deezle, claims he not only produced Lollipop, he also produced Whip It, Prostitute 2, and Action, as well as Mrs. Officer and Let the Beat Build.”

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Looking back at the shows we watched during our childhood, there were some weird things happening. Characters would disappear without a trace, sometimes reappearing a few episodes down the road with nary an explanation in sight. There were times where certain characters inexplicably shape-shifted. Oh what a crazy alternate universe some of these sitcoms took place in.

7 The Disappearance of Judy – Family Matters
Who didn’t love the Winslows and their lovely family? There was Carl, Harriet and their three kids: Eddie, Laura, and… who was the last one again? Well we all remember Judy, the forgotten Winslow child. Early seasons had Judy as your typical studious, precocious child. She’d occasionally come down from her room where she was doing homework and make some sassy comment before being ushered away by Grandma Winslow. Little did we know that one day Judy left the set and was never seen again. She disappeared like Jimmy Hoffa, with no explanation. The most disturbing part was how the Winslows never acknowledged their missing child. Not to play into conspiracy theories, but what if they had something to do with it? Carl did have ties to the police after all.

6 Tori – Saved by the Bell
Ah, the gang from Bayside. We grew up with them, through thick and thin, through the heartbreaks and hijinks. And then, something weird happened in the middle of senior year. Mainstays Kelly and Jessie were suddenly nowhere to be found. Suddenly, Zack and Slater were both without girlfriends. In walks Tori, a leather jacket sporting badass biker chick. Tory became the object of affection and contention for Bayside’s most eligible bachelors and ingrained herself as a member of the gang. Over time, audiences became used to Tori, even accepting her into the fold. Then, as suddenly as she appeared, she was gone again. Kelly and Jessie returned from wherever they went and graduated on time with the rest of the gang. The mystery may never be solved.

5 Morgan’s season long time out – Boy Meets World
Some inconsistencies are so blatant that the producers of the show make little attempt to hide it. In the case of Morgan, the younger sister of Cory and Eric Matthews, the character almost went the way of Judy Winslow. Gradually, Morgan, the annoying little sister, was nowhere to be seen. As is the norm for sitcom families, no one really cared. However, unlike Judy, Morgan returned to our TV sets looking somewhat different (the original actress was replaced) after about a season of absence. Cheekily, she remarked that she had been up in her room for “the longest time out ever.” Nice little wink to the audience producers. How about next time you just explain where your characters disappear to?

4 Uncle Jesse’s two last names – Full House
Oh those producers don’t think we’re paying attention do they? In the first season of this seminal sitcom, the bodacious Uncle Jesse is billed as Jesse Cochran, your typical American last name. Suddenly, from the second season onward, Jesse became a Katsopolis with not so much as an explanation. Don’t you think they could have just had one “very special episode” where Jesse goes back to Greece and gets in touch with his roots and THEN gets his named changed? Have mercy.

3 Peggy’s nephew Seven – Married with Children
When Peg’s cousins dropped their demon seed child off at the Bundy household, audiences figured it was just another plot device that would last for an episode or two, and then disappear. What happened was a lot more strange. Sure Seven disappeared from the house, but he seemed to have a lasting effect on the cast. The D’Arcy’s made mention of Seven hiding out in their house and never leaving, Kelly has a brief flashback of Seven, and his visage appears on a missing milk-carton. What really happened to that mystical child is really anyone’s guess.

2 Rapidly aging Nicky – The Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Sure, this is the same show that gave us two different looking Aunt Vivs with no mention of the change, but this one is just ridiculous. In season five, everyone dotes over the newborn. And without any warning, Nicky aged rapidly seemingly overnight, turning into a pre-schooler before our very eyes. Did he have Benjamin Button-itis? We will, unfortunately, never know. If this was a bizarre plot twist to turn the show into a sci-fi comedy, it didn’t work.

1 Coy and Vance Duke – The Dukes of Hazzard
Amidst a contract dispute, the actors who played Bo and Luke sat out for a season which gave the writers of the show no choice but to… clone them? Two look-alikes, Coy and Vance, who were supposedly cousins of the original Duke boys (and acted exactly the same) showed up in town and picked up where Bo and Luke left off. They even drove the General Lee. Blasphemy, we know. Thankfully this only lasted a season and Coy and Vance were given an unceremonious send off while we got back the original Dukes, got back to partying and making Boss Hogg’s life a living hell. Yeehaw!

The man then told the owner of the bar, Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant, that the reason for his outburst was “I just don’t like Slater.”

The Slater-assailant left the bar after another patron gave the bar owner $11 for the broken frame [ED. NOTE: Uh, $11? Does he not know a framed photo of A.C. Slater is priceless?].

No charges were filed.

All I know is that, if I were a bar owner, no hater of A.C. Slater would be a friend of mine. You can smash all the Tori and Ms. Bliss pictures you want. In fact, I’d keep several dozen extra for any patrons who wanted to come to my bar just for that reason. You could also punch the Screech “Test Your Manliness” interactive video game. But never a picture of Slater. Never.

This may also be why no one will ever invest in my ideas for a bar.

Sitcoms and suds don’t mix [Chicago Tribune]

Many of the most popular shows in television history have certain things in common. One of the more notable similarities is the storyline of the “less-than-cool” guy pining over a certain girl for years and years. However, the problem with a lot of these crushes is that, when you look back on them, most of these girls didn’t really deserve that kind of devotion. Sure these guys were nerdy, but certainly they could’ve spent an extra minute or two looking around the room to find someone a little more worthy of obsessing over.

9 Kevin Arnold chasing Winnie Cooper (The Wonder Years)
Yeah, she may look pretty good now, but back then Winnie Cooper was nothing to pine over. She was a buck-toothed tomboy who, at times, resembled the Neverending Story turtle-mountain creature. This was the 60s…The era of Free Love. It’s just such a shame that Kevin wasted all of his free love on Winnie.

8 Jim Halpert chasing Pam Beesly (The Office)
When you work in close quarters with someone for hours and hours on a daily basis, you begin to forget what kind of options exist in the world outside. Simply put, Pam was plain. With her boring blouse, dull skirts, and hairdo straight out of a “low-flo showerhead” Seinfeld episode, she just wasn’t much to fantasize about. I guess when your only other office crush options are a fat woman, a boozer, an anal-retentive bitch, or a gossip queen without an off switch; you can’t really be all that picky.

7 Neil Goldman chasing Meg Griffin (Family Guy)
Don’t let her voice fool you. Sure she sounds insanely hot, but Meg is more Peter than Lois. And although incredibly dweeby, Neil seems to have a serious sarcastic wit and some male chauvinism to him, so he should be shallow enough to know that Meg isn’t worth his energy. He still has time to come to his senses, so we’re gonna have to see how this one plays out. Maybe an afternoon out with Quagmire will do the trick.

6 Dawson Leery chasing Jen Lindley (Dawson’s Creek)
Dawson Leery. You idiot. Katie Holmes is climbing into your bedroom window every night, yet you choose to spend all of your time crushing on the new blonde girl in town who kind of looks a little like a duck. And this was the “pre-Tom Cruise” Katie Holmes we’re talking about…the one that was cute, talented, and didn’t look like she had her soul completely sucked out of her. Meanwhile, Pacey was laughing at you as he happily banged his way through the entire supporting cast.

5 Doogie Howser chasing Wanda Plenn (Doogie Howser, M.D.)
Imagine you were a child genius. By the time you were a teenager, you were an incredibly intelligent and successful doctor with a comfortable six-figure income. Now imagine the kind of car you would drive and the kind of house you would live in. Impressive, right? Now imagine the kind of women you would date. None of them would be anywhere near as homely as Wanda Plenn. Come on, Doogie…where were your supermodels, actresses, and other ridiculously hot, yet superficial gold diggers?

4 Steve Urkel chasing Laura Winslow (Family Matters)
True, Steve Urkel was the King of All Dorks. He was a stereotype to the extreme. Still, that’s absolutely no reason to settle when choosing the woman of your dreams. Steve went through all the trouble of creating his alter ego, Stefan, so he could be more handsome, cool, and irresistible to women and in the end, he still chased after Laura Winslow! Laura had the uncanny ability of looking like she was 35 when she was only 15. The fact that Urkel actually ended up with Laura by the end of the series shows that he just wasn’t reaching high enough. It also shows that the show was on for way too long and that the writers ran out of any ideas that even resembled an interesting storyline.

3 Cory Matthews chasing Topanga Lawrence (Boy Meets World)
Topanga was first introduced into the Boy Meets World…uh, world, as an odd classmate that annoyed Cory. She was a spacey hippy with a ridiculous amount of hair and an annoying voice. Then she sprouted a serious pair of knockers (no complaints here), cut her hair, and suddenly that voice of hers magically became less annoying. Although at times she sort of resembled that female gremlin from Gremlins 2, Cory was able to look past how annoying she actually was and he didn’t stop until the girl was his. And what was the result of all this chasing? Well, with its lack of sex, their unrealistic high school relationship played out more like a ten year-old stale marriage and when Cory finally did actually marry Topanga, she got fat on him. So not cool.

2 George Michael Bluth chasing Maeby Funke (Arrested Development)
Let’s start with the fact that Maeby was George Michael’s cousin for a moment. That’s immediately minus five points on the crush meter. Throw in a little pudge and one too many freckles and suddenly she’s just not worth more than a few minutes of chasing… If George Michael was going to have a sick, twisted, incestuous crush, he should have been chasing after his aunt Lindsay who was played by Portia de Rossi. She’s married to Ellen Degeneres, so at least we know she’s attracted to teenage boys.

1 Screech chasing Lisa Turtle (Saved by the Bell)
How Screech could spend every single school day hanging out with Kelly Kapowski and still choose Lisa as the one he would spend every minute obsessing over completely blows my mind. Lisa wasn’t a bad looking girl, but standing between Kelly and the insanely leggy Jessie, she easily dropped to a two. And since she was pretty much always standing between Kelly and Jessie, she was pretty much always a two. After many years of chasing Lisa with no success, Screech eventually moved on to acting in home videos where he performed the “Dirty Sanchez” on a girl who was even less attractive. Not the greatest resumé there, buddy.

This year, pick number 255 and the last player taken was none other than Tim Toone of Weber State. And his reward was going to the Detroit Lions….ouch!

Now, call me a bit of a 90′s geek here, but Toone bears a striking resemblance to Saved By the Bell’sRod Belding. Am I wrong?

And while nothing says draft bust more than getting chosen last by the ever-morbid Detroit Lions, here are some other epic busts you may want to consider.

While TV comedies today may be groundbreaking for their witty one-liners and lack of studio audiences, they don’t have the same magic of the 90′s sitcoms. Television from the 90′s was all about sugary-sweet couples who had 21 minute couple-problems every episode, solved by a one-minute declaration of love where they remembered why they were a couple.

1. Jessie and Becky

Talk about a match made in a San Francisco attic. Jessie and Becky taught all of us that true love can conquer all. Even when all includes a possible pedophile with a woodchuck puppet living in the basement. From their opposites attract romance (an exterminator and a talk show host….well I never!) to the birth of those rambunctious twins, they remained stronger than the never ending Jessie- Elvis joke.

2. Urkel and Laura

No one saw this one coming. A popular girl in high school dating prime time TV’s biggest nerd. But thanks to a totally realistic makeover machine invention, Urkel transformed into the almost-too-suave Stefan and Laura fell in love with him. Anyone who accuses her of being shallow isn’t thinking clearly. A shallow woman would have sold the makeover machine patent to the highest bidder, she lovde Steve/Stefan enough to let him keep it for himself.

3. Cory and Topanga

Cory and Topanga proved that all the country’s negative stats on teen marriage were completely wrong. They fell in love in high school, went to the same made-up college together, and confided everything to their neighbor/high school principal/inappropriately-aged best friend, Mr. Feeney. Topanga wowed us all year after year. Not only did she maintain a perfect G.P.A and marriage, but she also she survived childhood with a name that sounds like a hallucinogenic fungus.

4. Zach and Kelly

Neither oversized cell phones nor Mario Lopez’s muscles could tear Zach and Kelly apart. While they had their ups,their downs and their very special episodes, they managed to date off-and-on for five whole seasons. Like all great teenage-television romances, Zach and Kelly managed to date for years without ever discussing sex, finagled their way into the same college, and got married in a 2-parter series finale.

5. Rachel and Ross

Everyone in America held their breath for 11 seasons wondering when Rachel and Ross were finally going to get together forever. It seemed like plot twists and guest stars kept getting in the way of them every finding true happiness. But turns out it only took one oops baby to make them realize their true feelings for each other.

6. Dan and Roseanne

Finally a couple who unabashedly ate everything in their fridge — and then some. Dan and Roseanne survived 9 years together on prime time TV without killing each other or killing their not-so-adorable kids. This blue-collar couple gave everyone hope that they even if they weren’t the right pants size and even if they couldn’t afford to wear anything besides oversized hoodies, they could still find true love.

7. Jill and Tim Taylor

Jill and Tim introduced the now popular concept of a competent wife living with a brain-dead husband. Despite the fact that Tim messed up week after week after week, Jill still managed to love him. Just goes to show that if you have a popular public access show about tools on the air, your wife will stick with you through thick and thin and 2 unnecessary Santa Clause sequels.

You could make a strong argument that of the three chicks from Saved by the Bell, Lisa Turtle aged the best.

That is until she decided she needed a quick plastic surgery. Now she looks downright scary.

Lisa Turtle got plastic surgery (IceIce Babies)
April Gutierrez is Miss Coed August (Coed Mag)
25 Gangster Babies…hilarious (Manofest)
No really, this is Steven Tyler (Don Chavez)
The year’s most influential men (Askmen.com)
Hotties in the wild (Double Viking)
The Demi Moore Phone Sex Prank (Tabloid Prodigy)
Kurt Angle busted with HGH (With Leather)

In fairness, I wouldn’t necessarily want to be a part of a Saved by the Bell reunion if I were Tiffani Thiessen either. She had the most success out of everyone on the show (though Mark Paul Gosselaar is catching up). Plus maybe she didn’t really like her castmates? I mean, have you ever run into someone on the street you either didn’t like or didn’t talk to in high school? Once you get past, “Oh hey!” and the feigning of genuine excitement to see them, there’s really no point other than to remind you that they sucked hard way back when. Plus, like all of us, she probably already jerked off to Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls, so what’s left for her to do?

For years I secretly prayed that there would be a reunion of sorts….well, minus Dustin Diamond of course…I’d rather not like to hear about his sex tape…

But yesterday’s appearance by Zack on Jimmy Fallon tops any reunion they could ever plan.

He even pulled off a timeout and the infamous zack morris cell phone..

Awesome performance…

Now, I won’t claim to be the world’s foremost authority on Saved by the Bell trivia, but I doubt anybody who considers themselves even an avid watcher can stump me.

Come on, try me…

When I was a kid, I so desperately wanted to be Zack Morris. But no matter how often I snapped my fingers and said, “Freeze,” groping women only resulted in strange looks or arrests. It was probably because I didn’t go with the blonde dye job. Peroxide, what can’t you do?

This isn’t even a joke, but at random times during the day on occasion, I’ll start singing the Bayside High fight song. Bee-buh-buh-buh–buh-buh-bee-bee-BEE-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BEE go Bayside! Yet I can’t remember the number of my debit card which I’ve had for over a year. What the f does that say about the worthless mass of flesh inside my skull? Answer: Mark-Paul Gosselaar probably fed my eardrum once when I wasn’t looking. Sneaky.

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