Athletes deserve our respect for refining their bodies to the absolute peak of human performance. They also deserve our respect because, beyond a certain point, they’re willing to do absolutely anything to win. Just look at marathon runners crapping themselves, or linebackers taking bone splintering hits.

That ]]>

Athletes deserve our respect for refining their bodies to the absolute peak of human performance. They also deserve our respect because, beyond a certain point, they’re willing to do absolutely anything to win. Just look at marathon runners crapping themselves, or linebackers taking bone splintering hits.

That doesn’t mean, however, that when they wear stupid clothes, even to improve their performance, that we can’t make fun of them. And the Nike Pro TurboSpeed is as stupid as it gets.

Basically, it’s a wetsuit with golf-ball dimples on it.

The science is well proven; golf balls have dimples because they collect air and thus reduce drag, allowing your ball to go a lot farther. This has been taken to absolutely ridiculous extremes before: the Mythbusters once proved covering a car in golf ball dimples made it more fuel efficient. But this is the first time we’ve been expected to take this seriously.

We’ve got to ask: is the shame of wearing this ridiculous track uniform really worth the milliseconds it’s supposed to shave off your running times? Sure, you’ll run faster, but you’ll need to run faster to avoid the beer cans and soda bottles being hucked at you because you look like a tool. Stick with running shorts, guys.

Nike Pro TurboSpeed tracksuit [Gizmag]

President Obama had a group of kids at the White House for a science fair. And while it was probably a great experience for those kids, it might have been just as good for our President. Take a look at his reaction to firing a marshmallow cannon made by a ]]>

President Obama had a group of kids at the White House for a science fair. And while it was probably a great experience for those kids, it might have been just as good for our President. Take a look at his reaction to firing a marshmallow cannon made by a Phoenix boy named Joey.

Really glad all the cameramen saw what an amazing photo opportunity it was when the President started pumping up the cannon. The sound of a thousand cameras clicking at once has never occurred at such a meaningless moment.

Have to question the security process for this science fair, though. What’s to say that Joey from Phoenix isn’t part of a sleeper cell planning on taking out our government infrastructure with his high powered marshmallow-based weaponry? You may have just given a supervillain all the intellectual start-up capital he needed. Way to go, team.

Obama Firing Marshmallow Cannon: “WOW! OH-WOW!” [Gizmodo]

Sure it happens a lot in movies too, but the way in which most folks die when falling into a volcano… is that for real or what?

In addition to potentially misreporting the retirement of Nintendo’s number one guy, Wired also recently ran another ]]>

Sure it happens a lot in movies too, but the way in which most folks die when falling into a volcano… is that for real or what?

In addition to potentially misreporting the retirement of Nintendo’s number one guy, Wired also recently ran another eye opening piece entitled The Right (and Wrong) Way to Die When You Fall Into Lava.

Its author, Erik Klemetti, happens to be an expert on volcanoes, one that was sick and tired of seeing countless scenes of folks falling into molten lava in various movies, but doing it all wrong. Mostly because everyone sinks to the bottom, which is completely inaccurate, since lava is far denser than water. So it’s not like falling in a swimming pool or the like.

Instead, it’s rather thick, so the average human body will float if he or she was to falls on top. Also, said person won’t immediately explode like you’ve seen in some cases, but will most certainly die from the intense agony from burning alive (plus any clothing will surely catch on fire).

Kotaku was smart enough to point out that at least one game has it right: Super Mario Bros. Cuz in those games, the 3D installments at least, you bounce around, instead of just sinking below. Though I would imagine that you’re reaction would be far less comical.

Women…what can’t they do? According to a new study, women are statistically far less likely to give birth on Halloween due to a variety of reasons. According to a study from Yale’s School of Public Health, birth rates drop by a whopping 11.3% on October 31st.

The ]]>

Women…what can’t they do? According to a new study, women are statistically far less likely to give birth on Halloween due to a variety of reasons.

According to a study from Yale’s School of Public Health, birth rates drop by a whopping 11.3% on October 31st.

The study also notes that the decline in deliveries applied not just to scheduled procedures like caesarean and induced births, but also to natural birthing.

Lead researcher Rebecca Levy told the Telegraph that soon-to-be mothers may be inducing their hormones to control birth timing since Halloween “evokes fear on some level.”

Conversely, births on Valentine’s Day rise by 5% when compared to the weeks on either side of the holiday.

I don’t blame a mother for not wanting to pop a kid out on Halloween. You don’t want a Rosemary’s Baby or, even worse, Courtney Stodden popping out.

Let’s keep the spirit of the holiday in mind, people. Halloween is a day for things to be recklessly entering scantily clad women’s vaginas, not leaving them. It’s about time women’s hormones do us a favor.

Pregnant women ‘time births to avoid Halloween’ [Telegraph]

There’s a 50/50 chance I’m going to find out that I got punked by the Onion (or some such site) before the day’s out, but what the hell — everyone needs a good excuse to stare at breasts, right?

Right. And science says it’s the thing ]]>

There’s a 50/50 chance I’m going to find out that I got punked by the Onion (or some such site) before the day’s out, but what the hell — everyone needs a good excuse to stare at breasts, right?

Right. And science says it’s the thing to do! That’s according to this local FOX affiliate’s report anyway.

I only really see a single hitch in this clearly academic masterpiece. If a group of German men were told to stare at breasts for five years (really? FIVE YEARS?) and another group was told not to stare at breasts for the same amount of time, does anyone actually believe they didn’t?

Yeah, me either.

Staring at Breasts Makes You Healthier – [Buzzfeed]

Dutch researchers have found that a random outbreak of flulike symptoms could be the result of an allergy to orgasms, according to a new study. Utrecht University in the Netherlands found that men suffering from the condition can suffer from symptoms including a fever, runny nose, ]]>

Dutch researchers have found that a random outbreak of flulike symptoms could be the result of an allergy to orgasms, according to a new study.

Utrecht University in the Netherlands found that men suffering from the condition can suffer from symptoms including a fever, runny nose, burning eyes, and extreme fatigue for up to a week.

The illness will formally be known as Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome.

Researchers believe the symptoms stem from the body coming into contact with its own semen, causing an unexpected allergic reaction.

Fortunately, the team responsible for the findings now believes it can reverse the effects of the illness. One sexual psychopharmacology expert at the University believes that hyposensitization therapy (introducing the allergen in gradually larger amounts over years) can eventually build up resistance enough to nullify the effects.

Is it me or does this just sound like an elaborate ploy for a creepy old scientist to jack off in dudes’ mouths over the course of years? “Wait, you have extreme fatigue after you ejaculate? That’s so uncommon for men! Must be this allergy! Let’s get you a steady dose of semen rich in allergens and, over time, I think you’ll be just fine.”

I mean if I got sick every time I had an orgasm, I’d be pretty miserable enough to try random things too. Miserable enough to let an elderly Dutchman who looks like Freud beat it into my face under the guise of “hyposensitization therapy” for years? Well, that’s certainly happened to me before for far less.

Mystery illness is orgasm allergy [The Sun]
How Quickly Would You Kill Yourself If You Were Allergic To Orgasms? [Barstool NY]

Sure, you could cure cancer or AIDS or find a renewable food resource or replacement for gas. Or, you could do like a team of Japanese scientists and make a SINGING MOUSE. Of course, it’s Japan. According to the AFP, Japanese scientists created ]]>

Sure, you could cure cancer or AIDS or find a renewable food resource or replacement for gas. Or, you could do like a team of Japanese scientists and make a SINGING MOUSE. Of course, it’s Japan.

According to the AFP, Japanese scientists created a mouse that tweets like a bird through a series of genetically engineered evolutionary tactics.

The research, conducted at the University of Osaka, was part of something called the “Evolved Mouse Project,” with a goal of simulating evolution through genetic engineering. Or recreating the childhood classic movie “An American Tail”. Perhaps both.

“Mutations are the driving force of evolution. We have cross-bred the genetically modified mice for generations to see what would happen,” lead researcher Arikuni Uchimura told AFP.

“We checked the newly born mice one by one… One day we found a mouse that was singing like a bird,” he said, noting that the “singing mouse” was born by chance but that the trait will be passed on to future generations.

“I was surprised because I had been expecting mice that are different in physical shape,” he said by telephone, adding that in fact the project had also produced “a mouse with short limbs and a tail like a dachshund”.

Well, if movies have taught me anything, these scientists’ successful attempts at playing God will quickly spiral out of control, unleashing a horde of man-sized flesh-eating mice who gleefully sing as they eat your intestines. And there’s probably one scientist who heard this first little mouse sing and thought, “We’ve gone too far.” But no one listened. WHY DIDN’T THEY LISTEN??!?! OH THE HUMANITY.

Japan bio-scientists produce ‘singing mouse’ [AFP]
Scientists Breed Singing Mouse [Gawker]

Are you or someone you love the type who sleeps around a lot? Well, good news, scientists think they know why. A SUNY-Binghamton researcher claims he’s pinpointed the gene that makes people more promiscuous. According to a new study by researcher Justin Garcia, a variant of the DRD4 gene is ]]>

Are you or someone you love the type who sleeps around a lot? Well, good news, scientists think they know why. A SUNY-Binghamton researcher claims he’s pinpointed the gene that makes people more promiscuous.

Hooray for science!

Garcia said, “The motivation seems to stem from a system of pleasure and reward, which is where the release of dopamine comes in. In cases of uncommitted sex, the risks are high, the rewards substantial and the motivation variable — all elements that ensure a dopamine ‘rush.’”

The study polled and took DNA samples from 181 young adults to determine its findings.

Garcia reported that those with the gene were twice as likely to engage in uncommitted sex.

But of course, Garcia says it’s not all the gene’s fault. The choices people make in their relationships are still the primary factor. But, proportionally, this gene can make you dabble in the strange a little bit more.

Similar studies have found links between the DRD4 gene and other excesses, like gambling or alcohol addiction.

Now I’m no scientist, but what I gather from this study is that the next time I go out, I need to bring a home DNA kit, some cotton swabs, and a lab coat. I typically only bring 66% of those things when going out, but next time I’ll be sure to have all three. Nothing can stoke the flames of passion more than swabbing the cheek of a girl’s mouth, telling her to hang on, then getting back to her two weeks later when the results are in and telling her, “Good news baby, your DNA tells me you like uncommitted sex.” It’s like a novel with Fabio on the cover.

Like to Sleep Around? Blame Your Genes [LiveScience]

In what is the greatest fish news since Nemo was found, a new report shows that a Mexican fish appears to grow a mustache in order to attract potential mates. A report from the University of Oklahoma shows that the Mexican molly fish, a small lake ]]>

In what is the greatest fish news since Nemo was found, a new report shows that a Mexican fish appears to grow a mustache in order to attract potential mates.

A report from the University of Oklahoma shows that the Mexican molly fish, a small lake fish in Mexico (hence the name!) has some unusual courtship behavior. Chief among the findings: The fish fertilizes its females internally rather than the usual external fertilization and, the best part, they grow little mustaches!

The mustache is actually a bit of extra skin growing outwardly around the fish’s top lip. Presumably, it also gives them great powers beyond our wildest dreams.

The researches also studied whether the female mollies found the mustache visually attractive, but the lead researcher believes it may also be used physically to excite the female or rub it, and I quote, “on the female’s genitals before mating.” This little Mexican fish mustache is a triumph and form and function.

The Mexican molly’s stance on siestas and sombreros is still unknown.

Male Mexican mollies grow mustaches to attract mates [Physorg]

Two guys mapped out the shortest possible game of Monopoly you could play and then set out to make it happen. This video is the fruits of their labor. Prepare yourselves for an intense 21 seconds of Monopoly.

You can see the background of the research ]]>

Two guys mapped out the shortest possible game of Monopoly you could play and then set out to make it happen. This video is the fruits of their labor. Prepare yourselves for an intense 21 seconds of Monopoly.

You can see the background of the research here.

Is there any game more overrated than Monopoly in existence though? It always takes hours upon hours to play, loses the “fun” about 15 minutes in, and ends up ruining friendships or family relations irreparably because someone took Oriental Avenue and you were hoping to set up hotels there. And then you try to beat someone to death with the little iron board piece but it doesn’t really do enough damage. Rich Uncle Pennybags could really contract testicular cancer and the world would be a much better place. That’d show him for always hanging around power plants and railroads.

The Shortest Possible Game of Monopoly [Buzzfeed]

A group of people reported to a sleep disorder clinic and found out that they have a peculiar nighttime habit. That habit? Initiating sex while they’re sleeping or, as the sufferers call the new term for “sleep sex,” they’re sufferers of “sexsomnia.” According to a survey of ]]>

A group of people reported to a sleep disorder clinic and found out that they have a peculiar nighttime habit. That habit? Initiating sex while they’re sleeping or, as the sufferers call the new term for “sleep sex,” they’re sufferers of “sexsomnia.”

According to a survey of over 800 people, conducted by the University Health Network in Toronto, approximately 11 percent of men and four percent of women have the problem with sexsomnia.

The condition of sexsomnia is defined as people who occasionally initiate sex with a partner and get off during sleep. Usually, sufferers would have no memory of the sex and would only be aware afterwards if their sex partner mentions it. [ED. NOTE: I imagine most of these sex partners would have to be longer term ones; no matter how gracefully you phrase "Hey, I f-d you in your sleep," people tend not to respond well. Believe me.]

However, according to researchers, the sexsomnia does not provide restful sleep, often leading to symptoms of insomnia, fatigue, and depression, similar to other more common sleep disorders. So no hope there, gents.

So there you go. You may think you’re not getting any action but, in fact, you may very well have just been having sex with your pets and/or the Tooth Fairy. Now you know.

Sexomnia: ‘Sex While Sleeping’ Condition Studied [Livescience]

I’ve always believed there’s a lot we can learn from the animal kingdom. For example, I’ve been trying to figure out how to fling my dung without arousing the hatred and confusion of those around me. But perhaps our best lesson can come a new study about the mating habits ]]>

I’ve always believed there’s a lot we can learn from the animal kingdom. For example, I’ve been trying to figure out how to fling my dung without arousing the hatred and confusion of those around me. But perhaps our best lesson can come a new study about the mating habits of the male antelope, who employs advanced techniques and lies to seduce a female.

From the study in Science Daily:

The study of topi antelopes in Kenya’s Masai Mara National Reserve Park found that male antelopes snort and look intently ahead if an ovulating female begins to stray from their territory. This type of behaviour suggests to the female that there is predator danger ahead. Typical predators of the topi include lions, cheetahs, leopards and humans. When scientists examined the behaviour closely they discovered that the male antelope’s snort and intent look were a false call made to keep the female in his vicinity and there was no danger nearby. Rather than risk any danger of a predator the female stays within the male antelope’s territory, which increases his chances of mating with her.

Dr. Jakob Bro-Jorgensen at the University of Liverpool, one of the researchers behind the project, summed it up as:

“This study reveals a new weapon used by animals in the battle of the sexes: whilst it is well known that males sometimes use their superior strength to force unwilling females, it is a new discovery that they may also actively falsify signals to get their own way.”

I guess that’s an improvement? I mean, if I were a female antelope, I’d rather be told that there was a lion was coming or that the male antelope I was beating was a doctor rather than him just hopping on top as I have to stifle back my tears. God that’s depressing.

But yeah, there you go, gents. Be like the antelope. Just point at a random guy on the street and go, “It looks like that guy’s going to try to stab you!” Then start kissing her neck. She’ll be like, “Wow, this is totally protecting me! I’m so ready for him to ravage me!” Sounds like an easy win for all of mankind.

Male Antelopes Deceive Females to Increase Their Chances of Mating [Science Daily]
How male antelopes increase their chances of sex [BoingBoing]

A new program in Colorado is allowing students who are taking online courses to have the same scientific experiments brought to their home. The quote from one young lady excited at the prospect was highly amusing.

Taking an online college course doesn’t mean students have to ]]>

A new program in Colorado is allowing students who are taking online courses to have the same scientific experiments brought to their home. The quote from one young lady excited at the prospect was highly amusing.

Taking an online college course doesn’t mean students have to give up the valuable lessons learned in science.

Thanks to an invention created by this week’s Colorado Company to Watch, students are able to do their experiments–including everything from mixing chemicals to dissection– from the comfort of their home.

“I never pictured myself setting up an incubation center and growing microorganisms on my Saturdays,” Front Range Community College sophomore Cara Young said, while tending to her assignments at her home in Fort Collins.

“I’m not going to lie. I was excited to get the pig fetus in the mail,” Young confessed.

Bringing the college laboratory into students’ homes [9News as seen on Fark]

Scientists don’t seem to know what to do about women’s G-spot. First they claim you can find it with an ultrasound and now they’re saying that the G-spot may be just a figment of women’s imaginations. Oh you women and your creative genitals.

[A] study in ]]>

Scientists don’t seem to know what to do about women’s G-spot. First they claim you can find it with an ultrasound and now they’re saying that the G-spot may be just a figment of women’s imaginations. Oh you women and your creative genitals.

[A] study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine is the biggest yet, involving 1,800 women, and it found no proof.

The King’s College London team believe the G-spot may be a figment of women’s imagination, encouraged by magazines and sex therapists.

Co-author of the study Professor Tim Spector said: “Women may argue that having a G-spot is due to diet or exercise, but in fact it is virtually impossible to find real traits.

“This is by far the biggest study ever carried out and shows fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.”

The women in the study, who were all pairs of identical and non-identical twins, were asked whether they had a G-spot.

If one did exist, it would be expected that both identical twins, who have the same genes, would report having one.

But this pattern did not emerge and the identical twins were no more likely to share a G-spot than non-identical twins who share only half of their genes.

Yeah, I’ll go with this research. It’s much easier than trying to find a way to dip your hips like your limboing and risk snapping your genitals just to satisfy a jaded woman who can only get off if you press some imaginary button inside of her like she’s a shaky yet remarkably expensive coffee machine. Leave it to women to invent an actual body part and somehow will society into believing in it without any biological proof.

When reached for comment, a 1980s comedian said, “I found the female g-spot…IT WAS IN MY WALLET!” The brick wall behind him had no response but seemed noticeably ashamed.

[BBC]

You may think that it sucks how, in your relationship, your girlfriend refuses to have sex with you on a regular basis since the flame has softened a bit. But you know what’d be even worse? If she sleepwalked into sex with strangers AND didn’t sleep with you. Yes, this ]]>

You may think that it sucks how, in your relationship, your girlfriend refuses to have sex with you on a regular basis since the flame has softened a bit. But you know what’d be even worse? If she sleepwalked into sex with strangers AND didn’t sleep with you. Yes, this actually happened.

Sleep medicine experts have successfully treated a rare case of a woman having sex with strangers while sleepwalking.

The behaviour had disrupted the lives of the woman and her partner. At night while asleep, the middle-aged sleepwalker – who lives in Australia and cannot be identified for reasons of confidentiality – left her house and had sexual intercourse with strangers. The behaviour continued for several months and the woman had no memory of her nocturnal activities.

Circumstantial evidence, such as condoms found scattered around the house, alerted the couple to the problem. On one occasion, her partner awoke to find her missing, went searching for her and found her engaged in the sex act.

“Incredulity is the leading player in cases like this,” says Peter Buchanan, the sleep physician at the Woolcock Institute of Medical Research in Sydney, who handled the case. But a combination of factors convinced him that the case was a real sleepwalking phenomenon, including the distress of the couple, and an in-depth clinical evaluation.

How about we take the strangers she’s sleeping with to jail? I’m totally understanding of wanting to get an occasional fish in the barrel in your sexual conquests, but when a woman’s pick-up line involves her muttering indecipherable nothings and slobbering all over herself while tugging at your crotch, maybe you should exercise a bit of restraint and not just automatically leap in genitals first. Unless you’re a zombie fetishist. But then you probably have much bigger issues than restraint, don’t you?

[Newscientist]

The two surgeries women most often get are liposuction and breast implants. Well, now thanks to an advancement in science in the UK, here’s two birds brutally murdered with one stone: They can take your fat and inject it into your boobs to make you thinner AND bustier. To science! ]]>

The two surgeries women most often get are liposuction and breast implants. Well, now thanks to an advancement in science in the UK, here’s two birds brutally murdered with one stone: They can take your fat and inject it into your boobs to make you thinner AND bustier. To science!

Women are to be offered “natural breast enlargements” using unwanted fat from other parts of their bodies, it has been announced.

The technique will be made available “early next year”, according to the Harley Medical Group.

Harley Medical Group chairman Mel Braham said: “This is the most exciting breakthrough in cosmetic and reconstructive surgery that I have seen over the last two decades.

“It amounts to two beneficial procedures in one – taking unwanted fat from one or two areas of a patient’s body and transferring it into the breast area.

“We have now completed a study of the results of UK and US patients who had the procedure four and five years ago, to confirm that the results are lasting.

[Google News]

Well, if this is safe-for-work enough for YouTube, it’s probably safe enough for me. Here’s a video that breaks down the science of intercourse, including an MRI OF HOT SEX ACTION (pictured left). Believe me, if you find anything remotely hot about this, or can make out what’s what in ]]>

Well, if this is safe-for-work enough for YouTube, it’s probably safe enough for me. Here’s a video that breaks down the science of intercourse, including an MRI OF HOT SEX ACTION (pictured left). Believe me, if you find anything remotely hot about this, or can make out what’s what in this photo, you need to reevaluate. Skip to 1:38 for the money shot, so to speak.

Maybe it’s just the MRI, but there didn’t seem to be a whole lot of variation in his strokes. I’d hate to critique a man’s sexpertise off of an MRI video that he must have shot with a stranger in the room (I’d assume), but perhaps a little more pelvis action would help. Put on a show Random MRI Penis Guy, there are strangers watching!

I once had my sex MRI’d for a similar video, but the technician arrived too late so they only got an MRI of me handing over a hundred bucks and then sobbing silently while holding my teddy bear. Fortunately for the videographer, I had sex with the bear after. Sorry Mr. Huggington, but if you didn’t want to get violated, maybe you shouldn’t be nude in my bed.

I’ll be honest, I don’t think this is so funny, but it seems like it’s one of those things that’ll be everywhere today because it’s so amazing and dammit I’m here for you. So watch and enjoy this New Zealand sports anchor and his vigorous urination.

So here’s a ]]>

I’ll be honest, I don’t think this is so funny, but it seems like it’s one of those things that’ll be everywhere today because it’s so amazing and dammit I’m here for you. So watch and enjoy this New Zealand sports anchor and his vigorous urination.

So here’s a question I have…does a hearty urine stream indicate larger genitals? Like you’d assume that with a smaller johnson, there’d be a smaller urethra and thus a weaker flow, perhaps like a whistling kettle. Now I have no way of testing this since I can’t go around testing penis size and amount of liquid consumed before other people pee, then conducting a listening test as to the quality and power of the stream, but there has to be some sort of science to this right? Anyone with a whole lot of wang experience care to help me out?

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is one of the leaders in merging important lessons of biology with illustrations. Here’s all you need to know about DNA.

DNA is tricky. Did you know they could potentially clone you if you leave your jizm or blood ]]>

Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is one of the leaders in merging important lessons of biology with illustrations. Here’s all you need to know about DNA.

DNA is tricky. Did you know they could potentially clone you if you leave your jizm or blood in a frozen state? Can you even comprehend what that means to society let alone what that’s going to do to my burgeoning Jizm, Blood, and Banana smoothie business? Why does science never consult me before I launch my crazy and delicious get-rich-quick schemes?