Arnold Schwarzenegger returning to acting post-scandal
“…the former California governor, 63, is confirmed to be appearing in Last Stand, a Western flick.”

Jessica Alba: I’ll never get my pre-baby body back
“My body’s just different. The jeans just sort of zip up differently, and things hang differently.”

Marine asked Mila Kunis out as a bet
“I do feel bad for putting her on the spot, but it’s not like I was going to bump into her on the streets of Musa Qal’eh between now and the ball.”

Justin Bieber urges fans not to text and drive
“We need to change the attitudes in our society toward texting and driving and I am making it one of my personal goals to make this happen.”

Katy Perry follows Lady Gaga in mermaid trend
“There’s been no word on the official purpose of the photo shoot.”

Zooey Deschanel slams writer: I’m not a “snobby cow”
“I am completely and utterly shocked that a professional journalist, whom I have never met, would take a partial quote out of context and use it as the basis for a misguided personal attack.”

Nicki Minaj allegedly attacked in hotel fight
“Minaj was hanging out at the pool at the fancy Palomar Hotel when she got into a very intense verbal spat with an unidentified man she was staying with.”

DMX — Punished for sneaking drugs in prison
“DMX just scored an extended stay in his Arizona prison after the rapper was allegedly caught with drugs behind bars … but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Jett Travolta Foundation donates thousands to Scientology
“Tax filings for 2010 reveal the breakdown of the charity’s donations.”

Courteney Cox launches a beauty blog
“As the designated home editor for the site, her column focuses on her lifestyle essentials…”

TODAY’S VIDEO
Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton interviewed at the MLB Celebrity Softball Game.

Personally, I’d be a fan of seeing the Mormons and the Scientologists go into Thunderdome with only one somewhat-insane religion emerging. It’d be like a consolidation of power. At the same time, you can’t love the Scientologists’ chance in that battle. Have you seen the size of some of the football players at traditional Mormon school Brigham Young University? You think little 5’4 Tom Cruise and John Travolta would be able to withstand that onslaught? In spite of what over-produced action movies have taught us about those two, it seems pretty obvious that there’d be some 6’5 250 pound Mormon dude flossing his teeth with Tom Cruise within five minutes.

I’d have to think Xenu had better Space Planes though. Sorry Joseph Smith, but celestial sex doesn’t have anything on real alien-made engineering and space age polymers.

on 205th recommends…

Believing that the universe may contain alien life does not contradict a faith in God, the Vatican’s chief astronomer said in an interview published Tuesday.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

“How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?” Funes said. “Just as we consider earthly creatures as ‘a brother,’ and ‘sister,’ why should we not talk about an ‘extraterrestrial brother’? It would still be part of creation.”

In the interview by the Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, he said.

I guess it makes sense. This would open up many creative possibilities for the Catholic church. They have a relatively weak presence in certain less-civilized regions so, finally, a priest could f an ET and pretend it’s an Ethiopian boy. Everyone wins!

Xenu will not be pleased by the Catholics honing in on his turf. Would you cross a super badass extraterrestrial dictator who banished people to Earth? I sure wouldn’t. He’d probably hold his ray gun to your head and demand all kinds of favors. Earthly and galactic delights (i.e. space sodomy)? Now there’s a religious figure I can get behind.

Anyway the clip is okay but that’s not the main reason I’m posting it. The reason I’m posting it…well, I’ll show you. The email I received from the-totally-a-real-name “Richard Isinyu”

to tips@blogofhilarity.com,
tips@radaronline.com,
tips@gawker.com,
tips@defamer.com,

THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES. I AM THE THE TOP EMAIL OUT OF THOSE FOUR. Sure the name value isn’t comparable and the site traffic is uh…probably also not very comparable…but I AM THE TOP EMAIL ADDRESS AND THUS AM GREATER THAN THE OTHER THREE SITES. COMBINED. WOOOOOOOO CHRIS RULES.