Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.

11 Swimming in a pool of gold coins

You know what’d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins? It wouldn’t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir. You’d probably be paralyzed at best. Or dead at worst. No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly… that’s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jell-o.

10 Abandoning your children

As much as I’d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they’d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one. In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, “Welp my little ethnic child, here’s a singing map and a bag full of crap… go explore!” How the f do they even know that she’ll eat? All I’m saying is that, if I had any say, I’d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.

9 Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious

The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn’t the best thing either. Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them. Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated four minutes ago?

8 Sleeping in a haunted house with a talking dog

7 Cross-dressing to seduce your enemies

I hate to break it to Bugs, but he’s also not that hot of a chick. And he’s a different species than most of the people he tried to seduce. I admire his courage but the execution leaves something to be desired.

6 Picking an appropriate partner

Now Popeye’s no looker, so it’s not a huge deal that Olive Oyl is completely anorexic and kind of ugly, in fact. But the real problem is that she’s always flirting with Bluto, pretending like he’s so big and bad, but then being nice to him. No wonder Bluto drags her around like a caveman, she’s just so caught up in playing a victim and getting attention. Meanwhile Popeye has to bust his ass and load up fully on performance enhancing drugs just to protect her from herself. He’d have been better off trying to date Wimpy. At least there’d be hamburgers involved.

5 Painting a hole in a wall and running through

It’s sort of like the movie Weird Science. Yeah, it was great and all when she first came to life, but then you have to listen to her nagging you about taking out the trash or starting a 529 plan for when you have kids and it’s just like, “Dammit, I’m too talented for my own good.”

4 Putting together a band with an animal and traveling the globe

On the plus side, after hearing Jabberjaw prattle on about completely idiotic things, you’ll prefer the relatively quiet hum of a shark eating your innards to watching 10 minutes of that show.

3 Letting a cat babysit your kids

Also, has the mother in the house ever heard of an exterminator? Jerry is freaking running the place, eating cheese all the time. He’s probably crapping all over the place too. All I’m saying is that the mother in this place might not be the best example of how to raise a family.

2 Running off of a cliff

And then he gets to dust himself off and get back in the game. Only to lose again. And again. And again. In fact, I bet that time floating in midair hanging off the cliff is one of the few peaceful moments in his life. Like standing in the eye of the hurricane. Or realizing that you forgot a condom when sleeping with that stripper.

1 Approaching and understanding shotguns

Also, changing a sign to say that it is not Rabbit Season when, in fact, it is will not change the laws and guidelines defined by local and federal governments. You Commie, you.

Then again, he is a duck. Maybe ducks can float through solid surfaces. Can’t say I’ve hung out with enough ducks to disprove that. In fact, the only time I’ve been around ducks is eating them at a Chinese place. Perhaps that explains why they won’t hang out with me.

Keepers at a bird sanctuary in West Sussex hoped that the last remaining female Blue Duck in the country – called Cherry – might mate with either of the drakes, Ben or Jerry.

But neither male duck appeared interested and are now inseparable at the Arundel Wetland Centre, leaving Cherry to her own devices.

Centre warden Paul Stevens said he was disappointed that efforts to produce new Blue Duck offspring had failed but said the two male birds made “a lovely couple”.

“They stay together all the time, parading up and down their enclosure and whistling to each other as a male might do with a female he wants to mate with,” he said.

“Cherry doesn’t seem bothered by it, she’s just happy to keep herself to herself.”

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There’s joy, there’s unbridled joy, and then there’s the unflinching and unequivocal joy of being naked with your best friend in a bathtub of processed, affordable meat, bread, and cheese.

Any additional touching of genitals, either by your friend or the delicious burgers, is purely a bonus.

[source]