Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at ]]>

Even famous people get old. They do their best to disguise this from you via plastic surgery, incredibly expensive skin cream containing stem cells from ground up homeless babies, and other assorted arcane beauty rituals too terrible and horrifying to describe here. Some of them are so good at this that no one really realizes they’ve gotten old until they fall and break a hip or end up on the Oscars telecast the next year in the “In Memoriam” part of the show. And then everyone turns to their friends and says “Damn, who knew?” Who knew, indeed. Well, you will, thanks to this handy little guide we’ve put together of 15 famous folks who are older than you think.

15 Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Age: 51


Yes, that’s right, Elaine from Seinfeld is the same age as your mother. The good news is that now all your creepy Elaine fantasies (I know you have them you degenerate animals) will also include her cutting the crusts off your sandwiches and doing your laundry on weekends. The bad news is that after having one of these fantasies you will need either years of intense therapy or a power drill to stick in your ear if you don’t have health insurance. So, uh, have fun with that.

14 Ralph Macchio
Age: 50


Yup, the Karate Kid is 50. Ralph Macchio is 50. 50. Sorry, just trying to wrap my head around that. To be fair, he looks surprisingly good for his age. I mean, given the way his career went you would figure that he would look like a methed out version of Skeletor by now or like Mickey Rourke’s ballsack. But nope, he still has that boyish face that made every dude who knew karate on multiple continents want to terrorize him. I’m just saying, sure Mr. Miyagi is dead but with today’s new hologram technology, they could totally pull off another Karate Kid flick. Yeah, it would kinda sad and embarrassing but so is Battleship and they still made that shit.

13 Denzel Washington
Age: 57


Denzel Washington seems like he’s almost ageless, doesn’t he? He’s one of those rare actors where age is just never an issue. That’s why he can get away with playing the same character over a twenty year span like he did in American Gangster without it being weird. That’s also why no one probably realizes he’s only a few short years away from getting the senior citizen discount at the movie theater or eating dinner at four o’clock in the afternoon. I’m sure the ravages of time will start to show up sooner or later but for now, Denzel just has one of those faces that just never seems to change, which is why I’m guessing that he’ll still play the lead role in the Nick Cannon biopic in 2045 after Nick Cannon becomes infamous for drowning Mariah Carey in a bathtub sometime in the next thirty years. You know I’m right. About all of it.

12 Madonna
Age: 53


Madonna is still desperately hanging onto her image as a sex icon with her lizard-like talons and because of that everyone still thinks of her in those terms but really, the next time she tries to hump a stage in a wedding dress she’ll probably just end up breaking her hip. Perhaps the time has come to applaud her just for staying buff into her fifties instead of mocking her for her gaunt, ropey physique. I mean, after all, she could probably kick my ass and most of yours too. To be fair, she’s able to stay ahead of the game by sucking the life essence from everyone around her, kinda like the Mummy but still, goddamn, those arms are like the arms of a Terminator. I’m not sure whether this means we need Brendan Fraser or John Connor to defeat her in the end but for now, let’s just all agree to stay out of her way.

11 William Shatner
Age: 81


Shatner kinda has that weird Betty White thing going on where no matter how old he gets we still think of him as sort of ageless. Sure, we know he’s old but if you asked 100 people how old they think Shatner is, I’m guessing only a tiny, tiny percentage would guess that he’s actually over 80. Leonard Nimoy is easier to peg because his head and face increasingly look like a statue from Easter Island as he gets old, but Shatner? He seems like he’s perpetually in his early 60s, right? But he’s actually 81 which means we all have to start preparing for a world in which Captain Kirk boldly goes where, well, everyone eventually goes: the mortuary.

10 Tom Cruise
Age: 49


It’s not so much that Tom Cruise is 49 years old – I think people would accept that number, at least on the surface – but it’s that in only a couple of months Tom Cruise will turn 50, and well, I don’t think people are ready to live in a world in which Tom Cruise is 50. There is just something about that that feels… wrong. I think it’s because he hasn’t really seemed like he’s aged all that much since playing Maverick in Top Gun. I mean, yeah, his face is a bit more weathered but let’s give credit where credit is due – the man might actually be a vampire. He’s like some unholy combo of Lestat, Maverick and Xenu: Warrior Princess. He might never actually die. Damn, maybe we all should get the ol’ Thetans flushed out.

9 Julianne Moore
Age: 51


Julianne Moore didn’t really become famous until she was in her 30s so it shouldn’t really be a huge surprise that she has pushed past 50. But still, does she really look much different now than she did in Boogie Nights? No, which is all the more impressive when you consider that most people with her skin tone and hair color (Species: Gingerus Americanus) start to look like the old Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones and the Lost Crusade after he sips out of the wrong Grail as they get older. Sure, she doesn’t exactly look young but she sure as hell doesn’t look old either. Maybe the Fountain of Youth was really in Marky Mark’s pants the whole time? Who knew?

8 Johnny Depp
Age: 49


Like with Tom Cruise the idea of Johnny Depp being 50 seems incongruous at the very least. At the most, it’s an idea which seems completely batshit nuts like the sky being made out of hot dogs or Snooki being named the new Surgeon General. There’s no way Johnny Depp can be 50, right? Well get ready because in only a few short weeks, the dude is going to hit that milestone. I suggest we all celebrate it by moving to France and banging supermodels and smoking out of ostentatious cigarette holders while we laugh and swim in a pile of money. It’s what he would want and who are we to deny his birthday wishes? Fine, I’ll do it for all of us. You’re welcome, world. You’re welcome.

7 Tom Skerritt
Age: 79


That’s right, Maverick’s mentor is almost 80 years old now. I guess it makes sense when you consider that Top Gun was made over 25 years ago now and even in that, Skerritt was kind of an oldster. But still, you’re never really prepared for when someone you watched as a kid turns out to be knockin’ on heaven’s door, you know? Sure, sure, there’s the occasional heroin related accident or – in probably Val Kilmer’s case – the occasional ham sandwich related accident that sends them riding to Valhalla on their spirit horse but old age? Man, that just bums me out. I refuse to let any of the actors I watched as a child get any older. Goddammit, this article is starting to depress me…

6 Jennifer Tilly
Age: 53


That big boobed poker playing lady that you can’t stop lusting after? Yeah, she’s the same age as your mom. Think about THAT the next time you’re pawing at yourself at 2:00 AM, half-drunk, watching poker on the Travel Channel while she wins hand after hand using only the power of her magical Two-Pair. Just remember that she is probably spending the winnings on Polly-Grip and Werther’s Originals. Either that or… or… sorry, I got distracted there. Are we sure those, er I mean she, yeah… she, is 53? Really? Screw it, I’m all in.

5 Samuel L. Jackson
Age: 63


Sam Jackson is 63 years old. Just think about that for a moment and let it sink in before we continue. The man – and Sam Jackson is most definitely The Man – is already at the age where he can start getting discounts for being an old geezer. And yet, there he is, playing Nick Fury on the big screen and sweet-talking his phone in TV commercials. It’s a testament to how badass Sam Jackson really is that when that commercial airs, the possibility at least exists that he’s thawing the icy heart of that robot vixen Siri with his talk of hot Gazpacho, right? I mean, how many 63 year-old men do you know who could pull that off? Hell, how many 63 year-old men do you know who can even operate an iPhone without having a stroke or accidentally blowing something up? And yet, there’s Samuel L. Jackson, sweet-talking Siri while making Gazpacho and no one says a goddamn thing. Now that’s a man for whom age is utterly meaningless.

4 Chuck Norris
Age: 72


Chuck Norris is such a badass that… well, actually no he’s not. He’s a 72 year-old man who probably can’t eat anything more firm than applesauce, who probably has to wear a diaper on long car rides and who fretted like an old maid until Sly Stallone agreed to soften The Expendables II until it was a Chuck Norris-approved PG-13 rated family friendly film. What a hard ass! No, but really, it’s kind of amazing that people still think that Chuck Norris could break anything other than his own hip after skipping out on his calcium supplements. You may think he’s a badass, but the dude is old as dirt.

3 Sigourney Weaver
Age: 62


When people think of Sigourney Weaver they think of her as the badass warrior chick who put the beat-down on those freaky aliens. What they don’t think about is a lady who in less than a decade will probably be sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch, her liver-spotted hands knitting a quilt for those dear aliens the next time they come to visit her. Okay fine, perhaps that’s a slight exaggeration but you can’t deny that you were pretty surprised when you saw that she was in her 60s, now can you? Don’t lie to me. It’s unbecoming. Still, like Madonna, I’m guessing she could still kick most of our asses and I’m guessing half of you would still get an erection while she was doing so. I apologize, this got weird, but again, don’t even try to lie to me.

2 Sean Connery
Age: 81


Sure, I think we all know that Sean Connery is kinda old, but in our heads we still picture him as strong and virile, James Bond in his retirement years, still crushing ass and sipping martinis. But look at that picture. That’s not just an old man, that’s an OLD man. That’s crushing up pills in the applesauce and sipping Metamucil old. The spirit of Bond has clearly left him and in its place is a dude who’s older than my grandpa – and not nearly as energetic. And my grandpa is dead. And now so is my mental image of the original Bond. Hell, the only time you’ll probably ever hear him utter that name now is when he’s saying the following: “Bond… Gold Bond. Yes, that’s right, Gold Bond Powder. I need it for my diaper rash…”

1 Harrison Ford
Age: 69


In less than a year, Harrison Ford will be 70 years old. Now, I don’t know about you but I am not prepared for a world in which Han Solo and Indiana Jones are in their 70s. That’s just an awful thought, wrong and horrible. I mean, on an intellectual level, I think we get it – after all, the dude was 35 years old when the first Star Wars came out and like me, I’m guessing a lot of you weren’t even born when that happened – but on an emotional level… nope, not ready for it. We all reeled when the dude was in his 50s and we sort of shook our head and tried to pretend that it wasn’t true when he was in his 60s but there’s no ignoring 70. There just isn’t. I mean, that’s even older than Ronald Reagan was when he was elected President and I think we can all agree that dude was OLD. Try to imagine Ronald Reagan playing Indiana Jones in 1981. You can’t do it, can you? At least not without laughing. But that’s where we find ourselves today with Harrison Ford, which is such a depressing thought that there was no way anyone else could have been number one on this list.

Not every actor is a man. And not every actor that is a man acts with manliness both on and off the screen. But, these actors encompass what it means to be hard working, ambitious heroes in the manliest ways possible; in fiction and reality.

8 Sean Connery

On screen: He’s the original James Bond, Indiana Jones’ father, and that dude from The Rock that once said, “You’ll do your best? Only losers say they’ll do their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”



Off screen: He was knighted for his services to England (so make sure to address him as “Sir Sean Connery”) and his accent is one of the highest emulated and most recognizable in the world.

7 Christopher Lee

On screen: This 89 year-old has been acting for over 50 years and has played such weighty roles as Dracula, the dark Jedi Count Dooku from Star Wars Episodes I-III and the wizard Saruman in the Lord of the Rings movies.



Off screen: Just a couple of years ago this badass senior citizen collaborated with other musicians to create and release a symphonic metal album, chronicling the life of Charlemagne. Does your grandpa put out metal albums? I didn’t think so.

6 Harrison Ford

On screen: He’s Han Solo, Indiana Jones, the President, and the Fugitive. Harrison Ford has lent his knowledge of crafting a story and adding believability to many important roles he’s played.



Off screen: He rides a motorcycle, engages in environmental conservatism, pilots various aircraft (even rescuing a hiker who got lost and became disoriented a few years back), and is married to a woman almost 20 years his junior. And at age 69, he can still kick your ass.

5 Daniel Craig

On screen: He’s been James Bond, an amnesia-afflicted cowboy, a fierce Nazi killer, and more.



Off screen: He looks like he wants to kill you even when he’s smiling. Plus, he’s married to the gorgeous Rachel Weisz.

4 Arnold Schwarzenegger

On screen: Arnold has the most kills of any actor, possibly in just a single one of his movies. (Obviously, I’m referring to Kindergarten Cop. Brutal.)



Off screen: He was the goddamn governor of California for 8 years. Oh, and there’s an iPhone app available with loads of his quotes from various films.

3 Jason Statham

On screen: He got his star power by playing different versions of crazy British ninja hit men and outlaws, most notably as Frank Martin in The Transporter trilogy.



Off screen: Before acting, Jason was a diver for the British National Diving Squad, finishing 12th in the 1992 World Championships. He has also studied Wing Chun, kung fu, kickboxing and karate. And it shows. (Plus he’s dating a Victoria’s Secret supermodel.)

2 Bruce Willis

On screen: He’s unbreakable, John McClane, and plenty of other bald (or balding) toughies.



Off screen: In 2002, Willis purchased 12,000 boxes of girl scout cookies at the request of his daughter to send to the American Navy in the Middle East… serious father of the year points.



In 2007 Willis, doing some of his own stunts in Live Free or Die Hard sustained an injury above his right eye that showed exposed bone which he brushed off as “no big deal”… serious horrifying wound points.

1 Sylvester Stallone

On screen: Rocky and Rambo; enough said.



Off screen: At ages 60, 62 and 64, Sly Stallone played Rocky, Rambo, and Barney Ross (from The Expendables), respectively. These movies not only showed off his massively impressive blood, sweat and tears physique, but also the dedication to his characters and the stories he’s crafted for them.



Originally published on October 7, 2011.

Chances are if you turn down a job you later regret, not too many people are going to beat you up over it. After all, your friends and family -– if they’re not a**holes -– will probably be too busy consoling you and trying to cheer you up to ]]>

Chances are if you turn down a job you later regret, not too many people are going to beat you up over it. After all, your friends and family -– if they’re not a**holes -– will probably be too busy consoling you and trying to cheer you up to make fun of you. But movie stars don’t quite have that luxury. When they turn down a role only to see some other actor turn it into something iconic, the whole world gets to know about it. Sure, their loved ones are probably just as sympathetic as yours would be, but unfortunately for them, we’re not their loved ones and, well, we kind of are a**holes and so we don’t mind reminding these nine actors and the whole world just what a giant mistake they made, and we don’t mind asking the question that is probably on their minds every day: just what would that movie have been like had they not turned it down?

9 Keanu Reeves
The Movie/Role: Chris Taylor in Platoon
Yes, believe it or not, Keanu Reeves was offered the lead role in Platoon by Oliver Stone, a role which eventually went to Charlie Sheen. Sheen managed to capture the role of the wide eyed idealist who is torn between the various angels and devils on his shoulder during his tour of Vietnam and while it might have been amusing to watch Keanu call a Vietcong soldier “Dude” over and over again, somehow I doubt that the film would have retained its gravity if the main character kept exclaiming “Whoa!” every time something happened. Then again, Keanu probably could have pulled off the scene when everyone sits around getting stoned because, well… have you heard the dude talk? In the end, it’s probably a good thing that Keanu turned down the part. He ended up finding his own path to fame, Stone managed to guide Platoon to an Oscar for best picture, and Charlie Sheen took the first steps toward being, well, Charlie Sheen which ensured that a nation of whores and coke dealers were provided with gainful employment for over twenty years. So, you see, everybody won.

8 Sylvester Stallone
The Movie/Role: Axel Foley in Beverly Hills Cop
Uh, obviously Beverly Hills Cop would have been way, WAY different if Stallone had taken the role of Axel Foley. Something tells me he wouldn’t have exactly turned Foley into the funny pain in the ass supercop made famous by Eddie Murphy. Instead, the comedy/action hybrid probably would have lost most of its comic punch and been reduced to a loud explodaganza (which is totally a word) heavy on the fight scenes and low on the smart-ass ingenuity of Murphy, which is what made the movie so unique and turned it into a monster hit. Oh, and also, Axel probably wouldn’t have been black, although it would have been interesting to watch Stallone try to pull off the role in blackface. And by interesting, I mean horrifying.

7 Mel Gibson
The Movie/Role: The Terminator in, uh, The Terminator
It’s almost impossible to imagine anyone but Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the unstoppable cybernetic killing machine in The Terminator but it almost happened and Mel Gibson was almost the guy whose sole mission was to find and destroy Sarah Connor. I’m guessing, given what we know now, that Mel probably would have gone about things a bit differently than Arnold. Whereas Arnold hunted down Sarah with a cold ruthless determination, Mel probably would have just called her up and screamed at her until she lost her mind. Arnold preferred to kill young John Connor before he was born but Mel probably would have waited until the kid was born and then slapped him a few times. Of course, Arnold became famous for his one-liners but Mel probably would have been able to match him on that count. Arnold had “I’ll be back,” but Mel would have had “I am going to come and burn the f*cking house down… but you will blow me first,” which doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as well but is no less intimidating in its own way.

6 Will Smith
The Movie/Role: Neo in The Matrix
Yes, before Keanu Reeves made the role of Neo famous, Hollywood asked just about everyone else to play the part, most famously Will Smith. Unlike a lot of actors who turn down famous roles, Smith actually seems to feel like he made the right decision, apparently saying that he would have just screwed the whole thing up. Is he right? Probably. I mean, Keanu’s, uh, let’s call it unique personality actually lent itself perfectly to the bewildered Neo. He was just along for the ride, wide eyed and unsure of what in the hell was going on around him. Will Smith on the other hand is far too self-aware to have pulled off Neo’s bewilderment. I can almost guarantee that he would have been throwing down one liners and cracking jokes whenever things got a little awkward. Imagine Will Smith waking up in a tub of goo and not being, well, all Will Smith about it. On the plus side, he probably could have gotten DJ Jazzy Jeff a role as one of Morpheus’ crew members which would have kept Jeff from having to beat box for quarters on street corners and would have given him something to brag about during his weekly support group meetings with Art Garfunkel, Peter Scolari, Andrew Ridgeley and every member of N’Sync not named Justin Timberlake.

5 Julia Roberts
The Movie/Role: Mary Corleone in The Godfather, Part III
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that people’s perception of the third installment of the Godfather saga would be vastly different if the key role of Mary would have been played by, let’s say any competent actress rather than by the director’s daughter. So, obviously, things probably would have been just a tad better if Julia Roberts would have accepted the part. How much better is anyone’s guess. It’s strange though. I can’t really picture Julia Roberts playing the daughter of Michael Corleone. Something just seems really, really… wrong. I’m not sure what it is. There is a fragile innocence and a naiveté to Mary that I just don’t think Julia Roberts could have pulled off. When I think of Julia Roberts of the late ‘80s, I don’t exactly think of a sheltered ingénue. I think streetwise hooker. Still, the movie probably would have been improved since Julia Roberts can actually say her lines without sounding like she is reading them off of a page memorized in her head which, sadly, is more than I can say for Sophia Coppola.

4 Tom Selleck
The Movie/Role: Indiana Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark
Yeah, this almost happened. But Selleck passed on the movie when he realized that it would interfere with his plans to bring the character of Thomas Magnum to life in the groundbreaking (ahem) Magnum P.I. You have to imagine that after sitting through Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time and seeing Harrison Ford create an instantly iconic character that Selleck’s first thoughts hovered somewhere between “Son of a…” and “I wonder if that beam can support my weight and this noose?” Obviously, Indy would have been a different character in the hands of anyone other than Ford. In fact, if you really look at the character and the movie, you can see that in the wrong hands, the character could have very quickly become a cheesy, campy joke. Could Selleck have maintained the balance between old school serial camp and undeniable cool which Ford mastered so well? Probably not. In his hands, the character probably would have come off more like the lead character in a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. I mean, there are movie stars and then there are TV stars. Harrison Ford is a movie star. Tom Selleck is Magnum P.I. Also, the world would have been forever denied the Magnum Mustache, which in its own way is just as iconic as the character of Indiana Jones. You can disagree with me all you want, but just try to think of a world in which the Magnum Mustache never existed. Terrifying, isn’t it?

3 Sean Connery
The Movie(s)/Role(s): Gandalf in The Lord of the Rings + Morpheus in The Matrix
That’s right, Sean Connery turned down both the role of Gandalf and the part of Morpheus. His reason for turning down the role of Gandalf was reportedly because he didn’t want to commit to the grueling eighteen month filming schedule, which is probably for the best because in interviews, Connery referred to Hobbits as Bobbits. He wouldn’t have known what in the hell was going on. He would have shown up on set every day, looked around and saw midgets with pointy ears and beards and thought, “WTF?” Eighteen months of that probably would have driven the poor old dude insane. As for the role of Morpheus, Connery reportedly turned it down because after reading the script he had no clue what the damn movie was about. Are you sensing a theme here? Who knows what either of these movies would have been like with Connery? I’m guessing things would have gone south on the set of The Lord of the Rings after he turned to Peter Jackson and said “What in the hell is a Frodo?” And as for Morpheus… can you even imagine Sean Connery trying to play that part? Laurence Fishburne is Morpheus.

2 James Caan
The Movie/Role: Superman/Clark Kent in Superman
I don’t even know what to say here. This is an idea that seems so absurd that you have to imagine that everyone involved was either stranded high upon the peaks of Mt. Cocaine or else they just had really, really bad taste, and since it was the late ‘70s, either scenario is pretty damn likely. James Caan as Superman. I keep trying to picture it and then I start laughing when I imagine Superman acting like, well, like James friggin’ Caan. Somehow, the picture of Superman or Clark Kent strutting around in a gold chain, exuding machismo, doesn’t really seem right. Then again, maybe it would have been fun to watch Superman beat the holy hell out of Lex Luthor with a trash can. Who’s to say?

1 Al Pacino
The Movie/Role: Han Solo in Star Wars
Al Pacino famously turned down the role of Han Solo and no matter how hard I try, I can’t wrap my head around the idea of Pacino playing Han. Part of that is probably because I can’t imagine anyone other than Harrison Ford playing the part, but part of it is also because Al Pacino had just spent the past several years as Michael Corleone in the eyes of the public. To turn around and play Han Solo after all that would have just been… weird. While he certainly could have pulled off the quiet menace of Han, I just can’t see Pacino pulling off the rogue charm which is so important to the role. Pacino definitely would have shot Greedo first but he probably would have just creeped Leia out. He was almost too intense for the part. Han was dangerous but he was also laid back, which created a compelling package which Ford made iconic. It might sound bizarre to say, but I doubt that Pacino could have pulled it off. Then again, if he did take the role, he might have been able to get Chewbacca a part in Scarface and if there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that we are poorer as a culture for never getting to see Chewbacca do a mountain of blow and shoot Cubans with a machine gun. Oh well.