There was once a time when Lindsay Lohan would run free in her see-through tops, boobs bouncing in the wind without a care in the world. But now, it seems as though in some sort of evolutionary change, she’s learning. Adapting. Changing so that we lose the one thing remotely of interest about her.

Yes, she has her hair flowing over her chest in all of the photos I’ve seen taken from last night. It appears though her solution to the paparazzi always photographing her in see-through shirts is not to do something crazy like, say, wear a bra or, I dunno, not wear a shirt that will be see-through when a camera flashes. But rather, her solution is to pull her hair over her breasts like she just emerged from the Blue Lagoon or as though she were a mermaid. We’re one week away from her just strapping clams over her nipples while she befriends a jive talking lobster.

So, couple guesses as to what that is? The obvious answer would be a couple sprays of hot Ice T jizz, second place would be stains from a big ass dinner of ribs (you don’t get an ass like that without eating some copious amounts of pork). But what I actually think is that it’s probably a nice couple dabs of breast sweat. Think about it…those things are huge and probably as hard as a skull. It’s probably like being an Army guy and carrying around that forty pound backpack, only in the form of two sort-of sexy, sort-of gross globes.

Or it’s rain. Don’t ruin this for me, you Encyclopedia Brown bastards.

So either Lindsay Lohan forgot to provide herself some additional separation of her breasts from the rest of society or I’ve developed x-ray vision. I’m hoping it’s the latter, but I’m pretty sure it’s the former.

You know, people treat these Lindsay Lohan boob shots like they’re just another day at the office, but I was raised to treasure every moment like it was my last. Granted, I’m pretty sure my mom wasn’t referring to Lindsay Lohan’s nipples, but how do we know she wasn’t? How do we know?????

[Even more shots here]