You’ve got to love the improv, how genuinely happy the pregnant lady looked, and the fact that Elmo is black (no offense to Mr. Clash, but that was an M. Night Shyamalan-in-1998 level twist).

That said, I was kind of hoping Elmo would break out some of his edgier material, like when Bob Saget’s debauchery blew up post-”Full House”. Nothing would have made me happier than some X-rated jokes and a “Planned Parenthood” punchline or two coming out of Elmo’s mouth. But hey, this works just fine, too. I guess.

See Elmo bond with a pregnant lady at Sundance [Vulture]

I’m personally hoping this guy finishes the video, if only to see who gets the privilege of playing Nicki Minaj. If ever there were a time for Snuffaluffagus to embrace his massive brown ass, this would be it.

Elmo strikes fear into the hearts of all those who cross him, innocent looks be damned.

A police statement said about the incident:

“The man who was wearing the Elmo costume was already in the store when the suspect entered the store and was physically aggressive towards customers and staff. The suspect in this case suffered broken fingers and was taken to the hospital where he would receive treatment for his injuries and undergo a mental evaluation. The man dressed as Elmo was the victim in this incident and was not injured.”

According to police, the man who assaulted Elmo left the fight with two broken fingers. He was also detained for a mental health evaluation as it was unclear why he snapped on the man in the Elmo costume.

It’s easy to forget that though Elmo looks so cute and cuddly, he does live on a street with people living in trash cans and large birds having drug hallucinations. You have to learn to defend yourselves in those mean streets.

I would also desperately like to see video of this. I don’t know what pure bliss is, but I imagine it can be achieved through a grown man in an Elmo suit snapping another man’s fingers in a guitar store.

Man attacks Elmo; Elmo wins [CNN]

See I always secretly believed that Cap’n Crunch was one of the all-time great frauds in marketing. It seemed to me (even as a young child) that the Captain’s military merits were suspect at best. I mean, his arch-enemies were people made of water. Do they not have mops or paper towels out at sea? I mean the whole damn ocean is made of water, and yet people made of water were always giving him trouble. And what battles had he won that warranted him being promoted to the rank of Captain? Was there some breakfast cereal war that I missed? Was it only reported on the back of selected Quaker Oats boxes? You tear-up the roof of my mouth and then you lie about your military record. For shame, Captain.

Snuffleupagus has a first name — Aloysius. Want more Snuffleupagus trivia? In a Sesame Street scene that never aired, Snuffy’s parents announced they were separating. But in testing, children were too devastated by the news, so the idea was scrapped

WHAT? Now Snuffleupagus comes from a broken home? This list is really making me second guess my childhood. What’s next?

The real name of Monopoly mascot Rich Uncle Pennybags is Milburn Pennybags.

Wait, wouldn’t a guy that is supposedly rich have a more lucrative moniker than “Pennybags”? Wouldn’t it be better to call him “Rich Uncle Dimebags”? OK, bad example. He just went from a respected businessman to a drug dealer, but you get my point.

Read the rest of this list if you want more, but my childhood has already taken more of a hit than it can deal with today.

Real names of 23 fictional characters [CNN]

I’m not sure if I ever told this story on here, but I once committed a heinous robbery at Sesame Place, the Sesame Street-themed amusement park. I stormed into the the merchandise store guns ablazing and stole the most priceless object I could find in the form of an Oscar the Grouch pocket pencil sharpener. I was the baddest 3 year-old gangster you’ve ever seen. Other than the part where I cried when I got back to the hotel room with my parents because I stole something and thought I was going to go to Hell. Man have my standards for eternal damnation changed since then.

That was a pretty adorable little segment, wasn’t it? You know what’d make it even better? If Kermit had a severed human head in the box. Cookie Monster would be like, “What the f, Kermit? I thought this was a game.” And Kermit would be like, “This is a game, Cookie” (editor’s note: Or “Monster”…I’m not exactly sure what the friendly nickname for Cookie Monster would be). That’d be a twist no one saw coming. Especially if it was Jim Henson’s head and this was payback for all of his years of chaining the Muppets up and making them perform for you dirty children. All I’m saying is if you’re going to enslave a talking frog and a seemingly-transgendered pig and various sorts of shapeless monsters, all bets are off.

[via]

I feel like Hitler and Big Bird would have made fast friends. I just never really got the sense that Big Bird liked Jews. Maybe not actively, but I bet if he saw a Jewish guy arguing over a price or not leaving a tip, he’d mutter under his breath, “Figures.”

Cookie Monster could be setting fires to Vietnamese children and raping them (in no particular order) and I’d link to it. In fact, he probably should do that…really aggressively reinvent himself. The “I love cookies” shtick doesn’t work for fat people so it theoretically shouldn’t work for a 5 foot tall blue shammy with googly eyes either.

When it comes to saving lives, God trumps doctors for many Americans.

An eye-opening survey reveals widespread belief that divine intervention can revive dying patients. And, researchers said, doctors “need to be prepared to deal with families who are waiting for a miracle.”

More than half of randomly surveyed adults — 57 percent — said God’s intervention could save a family member even if physicians declared treatment would be futile. And nearly three-quarters said patients have a right to demand such treatment.

Dr. Michael Sise, trauma medical director at Scripps Mercy Hospital in San Diego, called the study “a great contribution” to one of the most intense issues doctors face.

Sise, a Catholic doctor working in a Catholic hospital, said miracles don’t happen when medical evidence shows death is near.

“That’s just not a realistic situation,” he said.

I think the power of positive thinking can certainly be helpful when you’re facing a serious illness and, for many people, religion provides that. But the problem is that this isn’t the only application of “faith healing”…on the opposite end of the spectrum, people think that prayer can heal anything, like those parents who refuse care for their children because they only believe in religion. The power of positive thinking can only take you so far when you have golf ball-sized tumor on your skull. I’m not sure that stroking beads and kneeling before some guy who may be as real as Snuffalufagus will do a whole lot to solve that. Unless he actually is Snuffalufagus and can use his big trunk to suck the tumor out. But then that’d be a Godlike power, so would you worship Snuffalufagus? I’m not sure that I’m comfortable following the lead of some big extinct make-believe wooly mammoth who hangs out with some neurotic oversized bird. Unless he can turn waters into delicious alcohol…that’s important for my deities. I like magic!