Want to be better in bed? Read what real women have to say about taking underused techniques to mind-blowing new levels.

As men, you generally feel one emotion when having sex: happy. Doesn’t matter if you had a horrible day at work, your team just lost a big game, or the zombie apocalypse is wreaking havoc; it’s sexy time now, and this is a good thing. But ]]>

As men, you generally feel one emotion when having sex: happy. Doesn’t matter if you had a horrible day at work, your team just lost a big game, or the zombie apocalypse is wreaking havoc; it’s sexy time now, and this is a good thing. But women are complicated balls of emotion, and that doesn’t change when you (finally) unhook their bras. Female-bible Cosmo put together a list of different sex positions for every emotion a girl might be feeling in the bedroom. As absolutely ridiculous as that sounds, it’s only going to help your sexual game to get familiar with this nonsense. So here’s a more digestible version of the cupcake-flavored bullshit women’s media is feeding your future one-night stand.

The Pinwheel

You know that fantasy you have of girls “experimenting” in college? Assume that same position. Scissor me timbers.

Bucking Bronco

…and also lazy. Because calling this “Cowgirl” would imply she’s the one who has to do the riding. And we all know that’s not bucking happening.

The Soft Rock

The Time Bomb

Aptly named. Because, horny or not, it’s only a matter of minutes before she realizes you’re watching porn on the computer screen behind her face and totally blows up.

Pleasure Pick-Me-Up

What better way to satisfy your need to work out than to mount your man in a way that requires him to support your entire body weight and do all of the work! Feel the burn, ladies!

The Head Game

Because this is exactly what comes to mind when your lady friend tells you she wants to play around with some “head game.”

The Dirty Dangle

Please note: contrary to what this image suggests, “tired” is not synonymous with “roofied.”

If you’re going to enter the seedy world of by-the-hour sex hotels be sure to bring enough hand sanitizer to sink an aircraft carrier.

Want to wake up to a depraved girl? Heather Rutman, the author of The Girl’s Guide to Depravity shares some of her tips and tactics.

Unless they’re in a committed and happy relationship, women tend to (tend to, I said) need multiple reasons for hopping in the sack with a lover. These reasons usually just manifest themselves into an overall feeling of yes or no, but the point is that it’s so much more ]]>

Unless they’re in a committed and happy relationship, women tend to (tend to, I said) need multiple reasons for hopping in the sack with a lover. These reasons usually just manifest themselves into an overall feeling of yes or no, but the point is that it’s so much more complicated than men, who usually just cite “sex” as the reason for…WANTING TO HAVE SEX. That’s a head-scratcher, I know.



But, if women only knew the health benefits sex has to offer, then maybe their sex drive wouldn’t drop off while their boyfriends are still at 18-year-old levels. Someone should make a guide to be shared with all sexually active women-folk. Oh, wait someone’s already done that? Yes it’s true, and you’re reading it.



Just keep in mind that if you’re a selfish or inept lover, then this won’t do much good for your girl (i.e. she’s going to need to magna cum laude to enjoy the benefits detailed below). What are you waiting for? Spread the gospel!

9 It Reduces Anxiety

Orgasms lead to a state of relaxation. It’s the reason that many feel immobilized after the damn deed is done. You can’t pay for that type of tension relief. Oh wait, yeah I guess you can…

8 It Improves Fitness

Screw the gym; stay home and burn fat and calories the ways the Romans used to do it! (Sans slave torture or group orgies in the grand throne room, of course.) Lose weight, boost your stamina and maintain or build muscle mass for an increased metabolism all at once. It’s a win/win/win. So much win!

7 It Lowers Your Risk of a Heart Attack

Again, sex can be a very good work out, strengthening your cardiovascular system and minimizing the effects that aging can have on a heart.

6 It Reduces Your Appetite

Orgasms are apparently so satisfying that you won’t be hungry anymore after having one. I suppose that’s a stretch, but they do release natural amphetamines that reduce cravings. Not that I’m suggesting you should eat all that Indian take-out you just ordered before sex…because honestly, that could get pretty tragic.

5 It Makes You Younger Looking

There was a study done involving 3,500 women over a 10 year span where the scientists found that participants who looked the youngest for their age had reported having sex 3+ times per week as opposed to the control group of women who were having sex around twice per week. Let’s stay young.

4 It Improves Your Self Esteem

If you’re having sex often and begin to get used to the vulnerability of it all, then it’s not actually vulnerability anymore, is it? The more sex you have with the right person, the easier it becomes to accept your body, your attitude toward it and the needs of yourself and your partner.

3 It’s a Pain Reliever

Would you really rather take Tylenol instead of having a big, fat orgasm? That was a rhetorical question, so don’t be ridiculous. Orgasms are a natural pain reliever. Headaches? Gone. Menstrual cramps? OBLITERATED. Okay, perhaps that’s not a very good word to describe pain relief, but you get it.

2 It’ll Help You Sleep

It’s like being shot gently with a tranquilizer dart, if such a thing exists. This will help you get to sleep and stay asleep better.

1 It’s Instant Gratification…

…so go for it!

There are a lot of odd sexual fetishes out there. A lot. But you’re not a true deviant unless you know how to “snorkel.”

Orgasm scenes in movies are almost always hilarious, so let’s dubstep supercut a bunch together and ride the pleasure wave. The latest montage from the geniuses of Eclectic Method fuses together climaxes from movies as diverse as Barbarella and Bruce Almighty into a hilarious and strangely arousing melange of ecstasy. ]]>

Orgasm scenes in movies are almost always hilarious, so let’s dubstep supercut a bunch together and ride the pleasure wave. The latest montage from the geniuses of Eclectic Method fuses together climaxes from movies as diverse as Barbarella and Bruce Almighty into a hilarious and strangely arousing melange of ecstasy. If you’re going to watch this at work, turn your speakers up and go out like a champion.

What do ladies like more than orgasms? Yes, ice cream, but, also: multiple orgasms. With this in mind, relationship expert Issy Wharton and her advice-giving friends reveal sex tips on how you can be better in bed.

Looking for the perfect gift for the Twilight fan in your life? How about the pillow that Bella and Edward boned on? Yes indeed, for the low Buy It Now price of $2999.99 (plus shipping) you can purchase the prop pillow used during the filming of ]]>

Looking for the perfect gift for the Twilight fan in your life? How about the pillow that Bella and Edward boned on? Yes indeed, for the low Buy It Now price of $2999.99 (plus shipping) you can purchase the prop pillow used during the filming of Breaking Dawn. Complete with tears in the surface (and how exactly do you tear a pillow during sex? Was Edward biting it?) and “authentic makeup stains,” this one of a kind keepsake will no doubt wind up in a position of pride in the creepiest house on Earth. Check it out on eBay.

Done right, sexting makes your girl feel hot, horny, and uninhibited. So listen in on what real ladies want and then start manning the phone!

Some of the “tips” from the Kama Sutra seem to be setting people up for serious injury should they be performed incorrectly, or in some cases, if they’re performed at all.

For many (or even most) species, for one gender, sex is the only reason they’re alive; for the other, it’s a terrifying, painful nightmare. Considering that, human beings are kind of lucky.

Sexting is everywhere and with the hypersexualization of all our media, you’d think kids would be getting it in at alarming rates. According to a new study from the Centers for Disease Control…not so much. According to a report in the New York Times, ]]>

Sexting is everywhere and with the hypersexualization of all our media, you’d think kids would be getting it in at alarming rates. According to a new study from the Centers for Disease Control…not so much.

According to a report in the New York Times, 43 percent of unmarried teen girls and 42 percent of unmarried teen boys have had sex at least once. By comparison, during the CDC’s previous study in 2002, 51.1 percent of girls and 60.4 percent of boys had already lost their virginity by the time they turned 19.

Additionally, teen pregnancy is at an all-time low with teens only accounting for 39 births out of 1,000 (though the figure doesn’t account for abortions in the demographic) according to the study data compiled from 2006 through 2010.

When teens are getting it in, they’ve also used protection at record rates with 78 percent of girls using protection during sex along with 85 percent of boys.

All good, right? Well…

The most common reason both girls and boys gave for never having had sex was that doing so was against their religion or morals; that has always been the primary reason in previous surveys, too, Dr. Martinez said. But the second-most-common reason among boys in the current survey was that they had not yet found the right person, a distinct change from 2002, when the No. 2 reason was that they did not want to get a girl pregnant.

Finding the right person is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. Sex has implications beyond just the moment. But for you, as a budding young man, to list that as a reason why you haven’t had sex? It just reeks of the overly sensitive dreck that society expects of men these days. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’ll find a woman on your first try and it’ll be magical and everything else will fall into place in your picture perfect lives. It’s not the way the world works, regardless of how many “Participant” soccer trophies you racked up in grade school.

Teenagers Having Sex Are Now a Minority [NY Times via Jezebel]

In an odd turn of events, us Americans are getting the phallic weapon in our copies of the game, whereas those who live in the land of used panties vending machines are left high and dry.

… Oh, and for the record, I love bring up such a “nasty” stereotype ]]>

In an odd turn of events, us Americans are getting the phallic weapon in our copies of the game, whereas those who live in the land of used panties vending machines are left high and dry.

… Oh, and for the record, I love bring up such a “nasty” stereotype about the Japanese because A. I’m part Korean, and there’s more Asian love to do than hating other Asians. Also, B. a pal of mine who went to Japan a few years back actually stumbled across one, so if you hear “but that’s just b.s. made up my Americans”, you can tell them to shut the f up. But where were I? Oh yes…

Gotta like the Grand Theft Auto wannabe that could. Whereas GTA has tried going the “respectable” route over the years, Saints Row is going the absurdist route, as evidenced by the employment of Time & Eric most recently. Well, yet another piece of the puzzle is “The Penetrator”, a three-foot long purple dildo that’s one of the many wacky weapons found in Saints Row: The Third.

Though, as reported by Game Informer, the weapon had to be significantly alternated in the land of the rising sun. Why? Because they have laws prohibiting against the depiction of genitalia. Which means that the veins have been removed, along with the head, plus its physics has been altered. Instead of flopping around, like a dildo (or “the real thing”), it’s fully erect.

And in related news, via Kotaku, 25 real life replicas that were destined to France and the Netherlands, on route to some promotional event, went missing a few days back. Here’s what one looked like…

… They were apparently destined to game journalists on that end. Did I get one, btw? Sadly, no. Whether that’s because of guidelines affecting Americans, or I’m somehow not cool enough to get a three-foot long phallus in the mail, is anyone’s guess.

Having had sex once or twice in my life, I like to consider myself an expert. But apparently, there’s much for me to learn as one Walgreens had to put this sign on the sexual health aisle of their store.

Other things not to do:

-Poke ]]>

Having had sex once or twice in my life, I like to consider myself an expert. But apparently, there’s much for me to learn as one Walgreens had to put this sign on the sexual health aisle of their store.

Other things not to do:

-Poke holes in them for breathability
-Use them as protective gloves while you clean your pet African monkey before sex
-Chew on them like bubble gum to test their durability
-Cut off the sides so you can show off your penis’s muscles

And so on. Glad we had this talk.

I was about to try one on until I saw this attention sign… [Reddit via Consumerist]

Ah the magic that a man can only experience when having sex with an inflatable raft. That’s what we’re talking about today in this story of an Ohio man named Edwin Tobergta of making sweet sweet love to a pool raft in Hamilton, Ohio. According to Hamilton police, Tobergta was ]]>

Ah the magic that a man can only experience when having sex with an inflatable raft. That’s what we’re talking about today in this story of an Ohio man named Edwin Tobergta of making sweet sweet love to a pool raft in Hamilton, Ohio.

'Sex with an inflatable raft? That's a paddlin'.'

The police report claims that Tobergta “advised officers that he was doing it but only because he has a problem and that he needs help and please don’t send him to prison but send him somewhere to get help.”

Tobergta’s defense may not be completely insane; he was previously arrested in 2002 for having sex with a giant Halloween decorative pumpkin and had been arrested for at least four other similar offenses.

Tobergta is currently being held and is awaiting charges. His family claims he suffers from ADD.

I kind of feel bad for the guy. I can’t imagine anyone goes through life looking like he does and having sex with rafts in an alleyway completely deserves that fate. Tobergta’s grandmother told the Cincinnati Enquirer that their family was never able to get someone to care for him. Maybe inanimate plastic objects are the only thing that ever treated him well. Maybe he once got jerked off by the animatronic animals at the Country Bear Jamboree, his only consensual act of love. We just don’t know. I once thought a story about a man sticking his dick in a raft would be nothing but laughs. But now I see that I was wrong.

Cops: Man had sex with inflatable pool raft [Cincinnati.com via @The_MDA]

Tired of the same old songs in Audiosurf? How about porn instead?

Familiar with Audiosurf? It’s a hybrid rythm/puzzle/racing game in which tracks are generated with whatever’s in your music library. Though it’ll work with pretty much any audio you give it.

It goes without saying, but the audio for ]]>

Tired of the same old songs in Audiosurf? How about porn instead?

Familiar with Audiosurf? It’s a hybrid rythm/puzzle/racing game in which tracks are generated with whatever’s in your music library. Though it’ll work with pretty much any audio you give it.

It goes without saying, but the audio for the following is NSFW, so I’d highly suggest putting on some headphones…

Though it would be interesting to see how the game would react to the sounds of folks actually having sex; the above sounds like a guy whose passing a kidney stone or something. And if I knew how to record my own gaming session, I’d share with the world how the game would react to voice recordings from my creepy ex that I held onto in case I had to drag her to court for that restraining order (again).

Porn Track on Audiosurf [Reddit]

Somewhat. You know how these “studies” go. Pretty much anything can be gleamed from anything at this point. But yeah, a few will have you believe that some women prefer gaming over sex.‪‬

First off, that’s not hard to believe. As cliched as it sounds, I ]]>

Somewhat. You know how these “studies” go. Pretty much anything can be gleamed from anything at this point. But yeah, a few will have you believe that some women prefer gaming over sex.‪‬

First off, that’s not hard to believe. As cliched as it sounds, I do know first hand of dudes that would sometimes rather snuggle up Master Chief than their gfs, and that’s kinda sad (as well as pathetic; I know we all have our own ways of blowing off steam after a long day of whatever, though I honestly can’t think of a better way than, you know, coitus).

Still, pretty much anyone can ask a bunch of folks questions these days and pass it off as a study. No offense to the fine folks at Doritos; they’ve finally realized that the old 80s logo rocks, so perhaps it’s not foolish to assume that they used the most scientific of methods to come to their conclusion. Anyway, here’s what they found…

Of the 2,052 people they spoke to, 49% of their female respondents played games online, almost the same amount in the dude camp, which clocked in at 50%. That actually sounds about right (with some studies showing that women actually outnumber men by a significant degree). Now, of the ladies who said yes to gaming, 84% apparently preferred it over sex, working out, shopping, and enjoying a bath (those activities had high numbers as well, it’s just that gaming came up on top).

Furthermore, women play games online longer than men, which once more, makes sense. Compare the average session of a game a dude is more than like going to play… say a FPS, even a bunch of matches all together… to what women are into, like those Facebook games that gets so much ire from hardcore gamers and the like. It should also be noted that Doritos has their Facebook game, hence why the study might be a tad bit biased.

Survey: Women love gaming more than sex [MCV]