Having had sex once or twice in my life, I like to consider myself an expert. But apparently, there’s much for me to learn as one Walgreens had to put this sign on the sexual health aisle of their store.

Other things not to do:

-Poke ]]>

Having had sex once or twice in my life, I like to consider myself an expert. But apparently, there’s much for me to learn as one Walgreens had to put this sign on the sexual health aisle of their store.

Other things not to do:

-Poke holes in them for breathability
-Use them as protective gloves while you clean your pet African monkey before sex
-Chew on them like bubble gum to test their durability
-Cut off the sides so you can show off your penis’s muscles

And so on. Glad we had this talk.

I was about to try one on until I saw this attention sign… [Reddit via Consumerist]

The Mile High Club has been an elusive dream in this post-9/11 world (damn you terrorism). But now, there is a way…an Amsterdam-based escort service called Girl’s Company is offering a gal and a plane to make your dreams come true. The prostitution agency is currently holding a contest to ]]>

The Mile High Club has been an elusive dream in this post-9/11 world (damn you terrorism). But now, there is a way…an Amsterdam-based escort service called Girl’s Company is offering a gal and a plane to make your dreams come true.

A picture of what a whore plane might look like

Contestants have to confess to the company their “most exciting, naughtiest, extreme sex spot or experience” for a chance to win the prize, which has an estimated value of somewhere around $20,000.

Girls Company owner Wouter van der Heijden told a local radio station that, for now, the contest will be their only Mile High Club offering. But he didn’t rule out doing it in the future for regular customers if the demand and price point warranted it.

“[W]e are not going on a Boeing 737, but made a deal to do this in a private jet. Whether sex flights have a future depends on demand, because they are obviously quite expensive.”

Those interested in learning more (for educational purposes only) can see details on the fairly NSFW — admittedly, less NSFW than you’d expect a sex agency Web site to be — site here.

Cliché plane jokes that your local news station may make that you can plug in to accompany this story (note: exclamation points are nature’s indicator of hilarity):

-And you thought TSA screenings were slow before!
-Let’s keep our fingers crossed they turn the seatbelt sign off for this one!
-Hopefully, this flight won’t come without an in-flight meal!
-On this flight, the only thing getting hijacked will be you…OFF!
-Today’s in-flight movie: Snakes on a Plane…in a Vagina!

I’d probably watch that last one.

A Dutch Escort Agency Is Offering A Chance To Join “The Mile High Club” On A Private Jet [Business Insider]

Ah the magic that a man can only experience when having sex with an inflatable raft. That’s what we’re talking about today in this story of an Ohio man named Edwin Tobergta of making sweet sweet love to a pool raft in Hamilton, Ohio. According to Hamilton police, Tobergta was ]]>

Ah the magic that a man can only experience when having sex with an inflatable raft. That’s what we’re talking about today in this story of an Ohio man named Edwin Tobergta of making sweet sweet love to a pool raft in Hamilton, Ohio.

'Sex with an inflatable raft? That's a paddlin'.'

The police report claims that Tobergta “advised officers that he was doing it but only because he has a problem and that he needs help and please don’t send him to prison but send him somewhere to get help.”

Tobergta’s defense may not be completely insane; he was previously arrested in 2002 for having sex with a giant Halloween decorative pumpkin and had been arrested for at least four other similar offenses.

Tobergta is currently being held and is awaiting charges. His family claims he suffers from ADD.

I kind of feel bad for the guy. I can’t imagine anyone goes through life looking like he does and having sex with rafts in an alleyway completely deserves that fate. Tobergta’s grandmother told the Cincinnati Enquirer that their family was never able to get someone to care for him. Maybe inanimate plastic objects are the only thing that ever treated him well. Maybe he once got jerked off by the animatronic animals at the Country Bear Jamboree, his only consensual act of love. We just don’t know. I once thought a story about a man sticking his dick in a raft would be nothing but laughs. But now I see that I was wrong.

Cops: Man had sex with inflatable pool raft [Cincinnati.com via @The_MDA]

As you head into the weekend and attempt a hook-up at your local watering hole, keep in mind that there are cameras watching you make-out and dry hump. And, occasionally, a dude who’ll grab your erection for no particular reason. Awkward.

I’m not sure what the ]]>

As you head into the weekend and attempt a hook-up at your local watering hole, keep in mind that there are cameras watching you make-out and dry hump. And, occasionally, a dude who’ll grab your erection for no particular reason. Awkward.

I’m not sure what the deal is here. Was he going like, “Hey, we can all see your throbbing johnson, buddy”? Was he like supporting the dude in the jean shorts? Maybe a boner grab is the new ass slap? Perhaps he just wanted to help out and get involved?

More importantly, why did the making out just allow that? I’m pretty open-minded when it comes to strange hands grabbing my genitals but I think some sort of reaction would be justified there. Perhaps he’s just a more enlightened man, powered by his jean shorts and headband. I guess we’ll never know :(

Apparently one Tampa woman’s calendar was off since she spent Easter weekend giving her elderly dad the best Father’s Day gift ever. According to Tampa police, 51-year-old Pia Kirchberg offered an undercover officer $20 in exchange for sex with her 80-year-old father Maurice Kirchberg over the holiday.

I know whenever I’ve stepped foot in a Waffle House, I’ve thought, “Damn, this place is classy and full of hot chicks.” Well keep your pants on as best you can while I tell you this tale of Jennifer Pulsifer, a woman accused of sexually harassing a female coworker at ]]>

I know whenever I’ve stepped foot in a Waffle House, I’ve thought, “Damn, this place is classy and full of hot chicks.” Well keep your pants on as best you can while I tell you this tale of Jennifer Pulsifer, a woman accused of sexually harassing a female coworker at a Waffle House in Louisiana.

Louisiana police say that Pulsifer, 32, fondled the female coworker at a Waffle House where the pair worked in the town of Mandeville.

According to the police report, Pulsifer allegedly “ran her hand between the victim’s legs and caressed the woman’s genitals while she was bending down to pick up some change that had fallen on the floor.”

The victim “expressed her displeasure” — though it’s unclear what exactly that entailed — but ignored the situation.

Pulsifer continued to make sexual remarks to the victim, but the final straw was when she put her hand down the victim’s bra and fondled her breast in front of witnesses.

The victim then quit her job and filed charges with local police.

Pulsifer was booked on one count of sexual battery and one count of simple battery. She was already being held in jail for unrelated drug charges.

Sexual harassment isn’t okay. But still, if this were between two attractive ladies, it becomes a hot sapphic version of that Michael Douglas/Demi Moore movie, “Disclosure”. And now it’s boner-killing time. Here’s the pic of Ms. Pulsifer.

They say sexual harassment is an ugly crime. Now you understand why.

A dating Web site called SmartDate.com poll almost 20,000 men (and a similar number of women) who use their site to find out who’s having the most sex. The results show that guys with an “S” at the end of the name fare the best.

According ]]>

A dating Web site called SmartDate.com poll almost 20,000 men (and a similar number of women) who use their site to find out who’s having the most sex. The results show that guys with an “S” at the end of the name fare the best.

According to the results, men named Chris, Charles, Matt, Dennis [EDITOR'S NOTE: The D.E.N.N.I.S. system works!] and Luke had more sexual partners than many other common names. Men named Chris averaged 11.3 sexual partners, Charles averaged 11.1, Matt averaged 10.9, Dennis averaged 10.8, and Luke averaged 10.7.

The names Edward, Dylan, Frank, and Jason fared the worst for men, averaging around one sexual partner each.

As a whole, men averaged 5.2 sexual partners while women averaged 4.4.

On the women’s side, Vanessa, Angela, Tamara, Diana, and Sheila were the top five female names giving up the golden portal the most ranging from 10.2 to 9.4 sexual partners.

Girls named Dorothy fared the worst, averaging 1.3 partners (though still higher than the Edwards, Dylans, Franks, and Jasons of the world).

And the race to message chicks on Facebook named Vanessa starts…NOW.

Many of the world’s greatest questions remain unanswered, but here’s one that now has a satisfying solution: What does a female sex robot look like blowing a sausage? Strap on your automaton learning hats, folks…this video is a real delight.

With that music, this is just a classy operation ]]>

Many of the world’s greatest questions remain unanswered, but here’s one that now has a satisfying solution: What does a female sex robot look like blowing a sausage? Strap on your automaton learning hats, folks…this video is a real delight.

With that music, this is just a classy operation all around. You’ve got your female sex robot who looks like a character from Disneyland’s Country Bear Jamboree. Then you’ve got a flesh colored sausage playing the part of a prospective buyer’s genitals. And, lastly, you have her dead, lifeless eyes that look somewhere between Johnny 5 in “Short Circuit” and Tara Reid during “Taradise”. Either way, this seems like the perfect gift for the guy who has everything and nothing at all.

HOT LADY ROBOT SUCKING ON A SAUSAGE [FilmDrunk]

Does the idea of Marge and Homer Simpson making a sex tape excite you? What about if they were REAL PEOPLE?!?! If your jaw just hit the floor, I’d A) Recommend you see a medical professional as that seems like a serious problem in need of medical treatment and B) ]]>

Does the idea of Marge and Homer Simpson making a sex tape excite you? What about if they were REAL PEOPLE?!?! If your jaw just hit the floor, I’d A) Recommend you see a medical professional as that seems like a serious problem in need of medical treatment and B) Look at this ridiculous (yet SFW) trailer for the latest porn parody “Simpsons: The XXX Parody”.

The tagline on the NSFW site pretty much says it all: “Ever Wonder What The Simpsons Would Look Life In Real Life? Or Better Yet…If They Were F-CKING??” Only every single day of my life, parody porn Web site.

I just think that, for once, it’s nice to see yellow people in a porn without the genitals censored.

Exploding cigars are so 1930s. The hot new trend, according to one criminal case in Minnesota, is an exploding dildo. And his advancements in the field may result in a decade of jail time. Police say Terry Allen Lester, 37, was living with two female roommates ]]>

Exploding cigars are so 1930s. The hot new trend, according to one criminal case in Minnesota, is an exploding dildo. And his advancements in the field may result in a decade of jail time.

Police say Terry Allen Lester, 37, was living with two female roommates when the property owner found out about the situation and asked Lester to move out.

After Lester left, the two women found a vibrator loaded with gunpowder, BB pellets, and buckshot that was wired to a battery designed to make it explode. The vibrator was found in a can marked “Christmas Gifts”.

When questioned by police, Lester said he was going to give it to the women because his relationship with them had ended badly. He planned on triggering the device while it was inserted in one of the women with a goal to “blow them up.”

Let’s ignore the inherent problems with your revenge strategy involving an exploding dildo cobbled together like a jilted pornographic MacGuyver in the first place. How lofty a scheme is it to think that not only would this plot work correctly, but also that you’d be able to convince a person you had a falling out with to insert a gift of yours into her vagina? I’ve received gifts from exes that I liked and I wouldn’t even wear them, let alone shove them in an orifice. Really, this guy’s biggest crime was aiming too high.

Waseca Man Gives Ex Explosive-Rigged Vibrator [My FOX Twin Cities]

If you have children, it’s easy to get caught up in the notion that it could be your daughter sending sexy photos to untrustworthy boys (the same could be said if your son is a professional athlete of any sort, particularly a spokesman for Wrangler jeans). But there’s no denying ]]>

If you have children, it’s easy to get caught up in the notion that it could be your daughter sending sexy photos to untrustworthy boys (the same could be said if your son is a professional athlete of any sort, particularly a spokesman for Wrangler jeans). But there’s no denying that girls of legal age sexting is undeniably hot. Thus, this PSA in favor of sexting and all its glory.

Pretty awesome, right? My big question though: Why’d the fat dude with the burrito get the photo? I mean, did this chick send the same photo to all these guys? They all seemed to be getting it at the same time. I’m all on board with her embracing her sexuality and playing all these dudes at once, but the fat dude? Aim a little higher, sweetie. Your daddy issues won’t be cured by a guy with a taint that smells like rotting chicken embryos.

Personally, I could have done without all the semen at the end, though. If I wanted to see that much jizz, I’d be going home to see my mom this Christmas.

Safe sex is obviously an important thing to keep in mind when you’re venturing into the dangerous waters of Lake Vagina. A British PSA tackles this important issue by utilizing the backdrop of an 8-bit video game.

Ironically, the running through a field of STDs is usually how I ]]>

Safe sex is obviously an important thing to keep in mind when you’re venturing into the dangerous waters of Lake Vagina. A British PSA tackles this important issue by utilizing the backdrop of an 8-bit video game.

Ironically, the running through a field of STDs is usually how I have sex. But my condom is the power of delusion.

See ‘Game On!,’ a Charming Eight-Bit Safe-Sex PSA [Vulture]

Flying can be a stressful experience. So what better way to decompress than removing your clothes before landing in NYC, like one woman did? A newspaper worker named David Holland on the flight reported that a woman [ED. NOTE: No details on age, size, or physical ]]>

Flying can be a stressful experience. So what better way to decompress than removing your clothes before landing in NYC, like one woman did?

A newspaper worker named David Holland on the flight reported that a woman [ED. NOTE: No details on age, size, or physical attractiveness, so let's pretend it was a supermodel on the way back from a photoshoot] decided to strip down to nothing as a Delta flight from Chicago to NYC was about to land at JFK International airport.