“See kids, what you’re looking at now is where the doody comes from.”

A 5-year-old student at Apple Valley Elementary in Yakima headed home on the bus with more than books in his backpack. Inside was a smelly package his father never imagined he’d be toting around.

“I’m still kind of in shock over this, because why would somebody do this? It’s disgusting!” said the boy’s father, who wished to be identified only as “Jason.”

Jason says his son’s kindergarten teacher had bagged up a piece of human feces and stuck it in his son’s backpack. His wife found the stinky mess.

“She found a clear plastic bag with a piece of fecal matter wrapped up in a brown paper towel with the note on it,” he said.

The note read, “This little turd was on the floor in my room.”

Jason says his son’s teacher, Mrs. Graham, called last Friday and said her classroom was “stinky.” She asked if the boy could have had an accident.

It’s easy to get angry with the teacher and say things like, “Oh, you can’t do that to a child, it’s traumatic!” or “Don’t rub his nose in it like a puppy!” or “Don’t wrap an old Snickers wrapper around it and attempt to make him eat it as punishment!” But nevermind all that, maybe this kid shouldn’t be crapping on floors. Or, even moreso, maybe he should stop acting like such a little kid. He’s 5 years old and kids are maturing faster than ever. He should have a hit album and be sleeping with Demi Lovato by now or, at the very least, holding down a 9-to-5 job he hates and smoking a pipe every day after work while reading the paper. Get your act together kid, you’re the one to blame here.

[via (with image of the note...not the poop, sadly)]

A mistrial was declared Monday when a home-invasion robbery suspect smeared human feces on his attorney’s face then threw more at the jury.

Weusi McGowan, 37, was upset because San Diego Superior Court Judge Jeffrey Fraser refused to remove Deputy Alternate Public Defender Jeffrey Martin from the case, prosecutor Christopher Lawson said.

At the mid-morning break, McGowan produced a plastic baggie filled with fecal matter and spread it on Martin’s hair and face, then flung the excrement toward the jury box, hitting the briefcase of juror No. 9 but missing the juror himself.

“That juror didn’t even see it coming,” Lawson said.

The prosecutor said the defendant was compliant after the outburst and was taken into custody without further incident.

After lunch, Fraser dismissed the jury, telling them McGowan would have to get a new lawyer and that his trial would be delayed.

More than anything, I’m confused as to how this man got so much feces into the courtroom. It’s also kind of fun to imagine him being handcuffed while spreading his feces around, meaning he’d have to turn away from everyone then leap in the air to get enough torque to fling his apparently endless surplus of crap around. It’s the most lighthearted crap-throwing visual I’ve ever conjured up.

You know, when you’re being tried for a crime, there’s no better way to get a jury on your side than really playing to their emotions. Some people like to do it with a touching story or by providing a background on their lives and how they’re a victim of the system. Others like to do it by throwing feces at the jury. That’s pretty much the same thing, except one comes with undigested corn, so it’s practically like getting a bonus. The lawyer probably deserved it though. In fact, every lawyer does. It probably should be part of how they pay their taxes.

[source]

Nerds mod NERF gun to make it superpowered

I have no technical abilities whatsoever when it comes to building things or fixing things (once I tried changing the battery on my remote and it caught on fire and called me racial epithets) so I’m easily impressed by stuff like this. Some dudes modified a NERF chain gun and made it into a monster that shoots 500 rounds per minute. Take a look.

This is really helpful if you not only want to be a pedophile and lure kids in with awesome toys, but then also torture them with said awesome toys. It’s really got a dual functionality that can’t be beat there.

In related news, at approximately 5 times in my adult life, I’ve bought a NERF gun on a whim at a toy store. Then I brought it home and shot it at friends for approximately 10 minutes and got bored and never touched it again. This has to be at least 10% of NERF’s sales, right?

Sexy times

It’s New Year’s tomorrow and since there’s a decent chance that a good majority of you may end up in the company of another individual in a sexy way, you may want to heed the wisdom of this chart.

I highly recommend the “I pooped on myself” usage. It not only breaks the ice, but also proves that you’re very comfortable around your partner, which shows trust. Chicks dig trust. Granted, the ends may not justify the means, but eh. Everyone loves crap. Monkeys…uh…fetishists…all the important power players, really.

A giant inflatable dog poo has caused chaos, breaking windows and pulling down power lines, after it flew away from an outdoor exhibition.

The artwork by American artist Paul McCarthy blew away from a Swiss museum, living up to its title, Complex Shit.

It was carried 200 metres, leaving a trail of destruction, and breaking windows at a children’s home.

The safety system installed to deflate the giant poo in this kind of incident didn’t work.

Museum director Juri Steiner said the artwork ended up in the grounds of the children’s home.

Perhaps this is a higher power’s way of saying, “Slow down McCarthy, feces is only meant to be so big.” You spat in the faces of the Gods by daring to build a pile of poo that large, my friend. And now they are angry. And vengeful. The first step is the crap destroying a town. Next hail storms of feces will swoop down upon the area around the art. Then everyone around it will begin excreting waste all over themselves. All because you had to be “avant garde”. So thanks Paul. I hope it was all worth it.