What you see above is a shoe that combines metal spikes, rhinestones, and zebra fur with “manly” earth tones.

Does this even qualify as a shoe any more? Like can you actually wear this in public without being arrested for wielding a weapon without a license? There are three types of men who can wear spikes as part of an outfit on this planet:

-Road Warrior Animal and Road Warrior Hawk of WWE’s Legion of Doom fame
-Any main or peripheral character in 1979 film The Warriors
-Spiny, the spiked shell guy whom that dude threw from the clouds in many of the Super Mario games, pictured left.

Otherwise, it’s probably best to stick with the Chucks or boots or even cardboard boxes with laces drawn on in magic marker.

If you’re a masochist (and want the whole world to see it represented in your footwear), the ‘No Limit’ Men’s Flats will hit stores in 2012 as part of the Louboutin Spring/Summer 2012 collection.

Christian Louboutin Designs Spiky Shoes for Men [Luxpresso]

*Alternatively titled: the case for $325 boots

There are some guys that have no qualms dropping a few hundred on a pair of shoes. For them, it’s no different than ordering an appetizer AND soup before your entree. Some of these guys just make that much money that it doesn’t matter; some save and save until they have the funds to do so comfortably; and some are like me that decide they don’t need internet or cell service for a few months to tighten the belt and forego frivolities for a while. There are some guys, however, that just cannot fathom how one could spend THAT much on any article of clothing much less one pair of boots. There are lots of arguments used to justify why its silly to spend that much on boots but they all come down to one base argument: there is no justifiable reason that they should cost that much. Well in the case of the Wolverine 1000 Mile Boot, this is far from the case. Allow me to lay down why these boots are well worth their hefty price tag.

They are very versatile boots as well. While not a dress boot, they have the ability to move from a casual office setting to the bar with friends easily. I have worn them to work with outfits almost identical to the one above but with chinos rather than jeans. They also look great with flannel trousers in cooler temperatures. For those looking to be a bit bolder sartorially, they would look great accompanying a well tailored tweed suit with a larger cuff (1.5-2 inches) and an oxford or flannel button down for a tailored but at the same time rugged casual suit look. They do run a bit large. I recommend sizing down at least a half size if you plan on wearing them with anything other than very thick wool socks. They come in brown (shown above), black, rust, and new to this season tan. 1000 Mile Boots can be found in Neiman Marcus as well as numerous stores around the country and online. Treat yo self to some fine leather goods and pick up a pair. It’ll be the best day of the year.

All photography by Denisio Truitt

We were not compensated monetarily by Wolverine, Horween, or any of their subsidiaries for this review. 

I’m a senior in university and am looking for some colder weather footwear as I live and go to school in Canada. I’m looking for something casual that can be worn with jeans to class and can also be worn to a bar during the weekend. To give you an idea of what I usually wear I have a pair of boat shoes and desert boots that I’m wearing right now. I do realize that it is getting a little cold for boat shoes.

First off, new shoes are pretty much my favorite thing to window shop for in the world, so thank you for the opportunity. It sounds like you’re already doing footwear right – I’m an unapologetic boat shoe lover, so no complaints there. And a good desert boot is the WD-40 of a guy’s wardrobe – it helps everything work better together. Though if we’re talking suede, you’re going to want to pack those away when the weather gets worse.

Not to sound like a completely ignorant American (but spoiler: I’m totally about to), is all of Canada as cold as I think it is? I’m from Wisconsin, and I always imagine the whole country is probably like that. Meaning, snowy and terrible for at least five months of the year…is that about right?

If so, you’ll want a shoe that stands up to wet weather and won’t disintegrate the first time you trudge through slush to get to class – or the bars:

Frye Chukkas, $168

Red Wing Classic, $250

Clarks Tarnaby Boot, $160

Boat shoes with socks

A note about boat shoes – it’s a little advanced, but Boat shoes with socks can be an acceptable look – when done right. Skip the bright white tube socks, and go for a nice, nubby camp sock in an off-white. You want it to look intentional, not like you slipped on the shoes closest to the door before you left the house.

And of course, don’t forget to weatherproof your shoes before you wear them. If you’re going to shell out for a good shoe, you might as well protect them.

Do you have a question about life, sartorial or otherwise? Ask Megan Collins here.

Every guy that has or hopes to get a job needs a pair of dress shoes. Unfortunately, 4 out of 5 adult men in America own some sort of monstrosity that looks like the shoe above. Let’s be clear: square toed shoes don’t look good on anyone. These terrible remnants of the 90′s are the official shoe of tools worldwide. If you are of the age that you have learned to wipe your own ass do your own shopping, there are a couple of things that you should be looking for when it comes to dress shoes. The first is calfskin leather. Calfskin is some of the finest leather and makes for a soft yet durable shoes that can literally last a lifetime. The second thing you want is a leather sole, preferably one that is Goodyear welted. I could bore you with the details of shoe construction, but let’s talk economics instead: a Goodyear welt is going to help prevent moisture from seeping into your shoe and it’s going to allow you to get the shoe professionally resoled. So instead of paying another $75 for another pair of crappy shoes, you can get brand new soles put on and not have to break in another pair. The third thing you want is a simple round toe. As mentioned before, square toes make you look like you stepped out of 1995 with frosted tipped hair and a pocket full of roofies. You can go with a cap toe or a plain toe just make sure that it’s round.

Skip from Alex Grant puts together a nice round up of card holders, just in time for Father’s Day.

The Hong Kong based Ascot Chang has been making major waves in menswear and The Wall Street Journal sat down with Tony and Justin Chang, the father and son duo behind the brand.

The Run of the Mill Shop double monk strap shoes set the internet ablaze when the pre-order opened. Now we finally get a look into the shoe thanks to Jeremiah from A Head Long Dive.

The Style Blogger gives us some more menswear inspired women looks featuring the beautiful Helen Weselcouch. Beautiful women wearing menswear? We’re there.

Hypebeast gets the drop on the collaboration between Tommy Hilfiger and G.H. Bass & Co.

NATO watch straps and selvedge denim have been extremely popular over the past few years. Paul from Dreams of Perfection showcases a piece that combines the two.

Recently, luxury retailer Mr. Porter held a 50% off sale for their founding members. The folks at Racked caught word that they have decided to extend that sale to everyone starting today. Now don’t go in there expecting bargain basement prices, but you can catch some deals on some excellent pieces.

Lorenz from Indochino Review offers up a look into the Classic Camel Linen suit, a great option for the warmer weather especially those inevitable summer weddings you have to attend.

Double monk strap shoes are a grail like item for many a sartorially inclined fellow and the Allen Edmond Mora was one of the few (more) affordable options out there until it was discontinued. Aliotsy over at This Fits, however, has discovered that Allen Edmonds plans on bringing the shoe back.

Red Clay Soul gives a little insight into Buffalo & Company, a brand rooted in rugged outdoorsmen culture yet still very stylish.

Lots of things are thrown around as “essentials”, but canvas sneakers are something that are indeed essential. You can wear them essentially year round, a quality shoe can go through just about any condition, and the best part is that they look cooler as they get a little beat up. White is one of the most classic of shoe colors, and with a white canvas shoe you can return it to near it’s original glory with a hot wash with some bleach. There is an upper and lower threshold for the cost of canvas sneakers because while by no means do you need to spend $150 on some canvas sneakers to get quality, some $15 Wal-Mart kicks aren’t going to give you the most bang for your buck. The following offer you quality, style, and durability for prices that are more than affordable.

From left to right: Vans, PF Flyers, Converse Jack Purcell, Pro Keds, Superga

Many of you will be traveling to see friends and family for the upcoming holiday weekend. Some will be flying (and I have something for you guys later), but many will be driving. There is something quintessentially American about driving over the long holiday weekend to spend time with loved ones. While some my throw on a pair of flip-flops and call it a day, a pair of driving loafers are the perfect sophisticated casual shoe for a warm weather get-together.

Driving loafers come in a range of styles and colors. While brown full grain leather is nice, nut up think outside the box and spring for some color. Some have flat soles and others have small nibs on the sole: if you are going to be walking more than driving I highly recommend getting a flat soled loafer. These are a great summer footwear alternative to flip-flops and are easily dressed up or down.

Clockwise from top left: Sebago, 1901, Calvin Klein, Cole Haan, TOD’S,  Polo, Minnetonka, Donald J. Pliner

Sure, it looks insane when he’s going at the sole of his shoe like a cat who just got sutures after getting spayed. But how else is going to look fresh and clean for the rest of society when he gets back above ground? What, should he use a napkin? Or some sort of shoe cleaner? Get out of here with your crazy theories.

The irony of it all is that I feel like crap after catching some sort of flulike bug last week but I bet the guy licking his shoes in the middle of a subway car is the epitome of health. And his tongue smells like a pleasant milieu of previously chewed gum and dog shit. Days like this make me shake my fist at the sky.

I came to love saddle shoes last summer when I got my first pair. I had remembered wearing them as a real young kid in the late 80′s and consequently thinking they were stupid as I grew up. But over the years my tastes became more classically inclined. I love the old-timey feel of wearing saddle shoes. It conjures up images of Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire, that swing era of the 40′s and early 50′s. There’s something so smooth and debonair about these shoes, yet also inherently preppy. They’re a great way to put a little spin on the timeless oxford or casual dress shoe, either by adding a little color or just the dual color patterns of the saddle and the upper.

Check out my top 3, well 4, picks for this season’s saddle shoes (two of them are the same shoe). If you even mildly think you can pull them off, grab them. You’ll stand out in the office and the ladies will applaud your boldness. I bet you’ll be the only that strays away from the boring black/brown lace-ups every other dud in the office will be wearing. Go bold or go home this Spring.

Cole Haan Air Colton Saddle Shoe w/ Nike Air technology – $198

SALE: Cole Haan Air Colton Saddle on Endless.com – $108.90 (selected sizes & widths, jump on it)

Johnston & Murphy Brennan Saddle (other colors available) – $130

Bass Buchanon Saddle Shoe – $79

]]> http://guyism.com/lifestyle/essentials-spring-2011-saddle-shoes.html/feed 0 Cole Haan Air Colton Saddle SALE Cole Haan Johnston & Murphy Bass Saddles http://guyism.com/lifestyle/today-in-style-march-4th.html http://guyism.com/lifestyle/today-in-style-march-4th.html#comments Fri, 04 Mar 2011 13:30:41 +0000 Gabe Alonso http://guyism.com/?p=117635 A Continuous Lean has intel on the original Ivy Invasion; NY Times has a piece on the versatile boot; The Art of Manliness has an intensive rundown on boots and shoes; Keeping with the footwear theme, Die, Workwear! muses on rainy day footwear.

Much has been said about this recent New Ivy explosion. A Continuous Lean, however, harkens back to the OG Ivy Style by way of LIFE magazine.

The NY Times has a great piece on the use and need for men to have boots. They’re becoming more versatile and sophisticated in their styling.

I’ve already showed you the different types of shoes and how to care for them. The Art of Manliness takes it just a tad bit further. Definitely worth a read.

Keeping with the shoes and boots theme, Die, Workwear! has a wonderful post on rainy day footwear.

Zappo’s is offering a free VIP membership right now, which means free overnight shipping on all orders. For EVA.

That’s not a half bad deal considering it costs nothing.

It’s worth noting that this isn’t the first time they’ve done a membership drive by offering dirt cheap shipping (they offered it up twice in 2010 and will probably offer it up again this year as well).

It’s also worth noting that Zappo’s is notoriously awesome about shipping stuff to you quickly anyway.

But, again, it’s free. And all that’s required is your name, your email address and a password. For that you get free shipping on all Zappo’s orders for life.

There are two opt-out checkboxes that are, surprisingly, defaulted for you not to receive email. The normal catch, you’d think, would be for Zappo’s to pick up a pile of addresses with which to hit up any time they have big deals or specials going on.

My suggestion for stuff like this is still to have an alternate address. If you’ve got an iPhone or Blackberry or whatever, it’s not difficult to simply add an extra Gmail account to divert things like Groupon, Zappos’, etc. (If your name is Bob Loblaw and your normal Gmail is BobLoblaw@Gmail.com, a simple BobLoblaw666@Gmail.com will suffice.)

Basically, we’re going to break it down like this – Casual, casual dress, and formal. If you have at least one go-to pair of kicks for each of these situations, you’re golden once the temperatures heat up. First up, the casual shoe.

When it comes to casual (not to mention affordable) shoes for the Spring, it doesn’t get any more versatile than Vans. I love my pair of white canvas Van Authentics. They only look better once you’ve scuffed them up a bit and give them that worn in character. Don’t be afraid to beat the hell out of your white shoes. You bought them to wear them, not be finicky about how clean they are. Be anal about your loafers or whatever, not your sneakers.

Another great choice from Vans for this upcoming Spring is the Vans 106 “Chambray.” Made of the light, breathable material these will add a little splash of color to your weekend outfits. I already have my own ideas for what laces I’m going to swap the blues ones out for (think “America, F*ck yeah!”). These also come in black colorway, but in my opinion the blues will be far more versatile in the Spring/Summer. Unless, of course, you wear all black everything. In which case, those are probably your jam.

Clarks Original Desert Boot

For casual dress shoes, you need a pair of versatile shoes that can transfer well from the workplace to the dinner date (or club). I think your best option will be Clark’s Original Desert in the sand suede colorway. The color matches with just about everything and looks great dressed down with denim or dressed up with a pair of trousers or colored chinos (for the more bold readers). It’s a very popular colorway and at $100 it’s not necessarily breaking the bank. The boot will definitely transition nicely into the Fall, at which point it’ll be nicely broken in and fit in perfectly with the ruggedness of the fall.

Last but not least, you’ll need a pair of shoes that you can wear to those summer weddings that always pop or to any other semi-formal event. A pair of cap toe oxfords will be the perfect addition to round out your Spring/Summer footwear. They’re not too showy like long/short-wings. You can wear them with chinos, button-down shirt, and a blazer or you can wear them with a full-on suit if the situation calls for it.

Bass Daley Black - on sale, $55.20

All I ask from you guys is that you choose an oxford shoe with a rounded toe. Please…I repeat…PLEASE, do not buy a square toed oxford shoe. You guys are better than that. The rounded toe is timeless and will always look good. Square-toed shoes are never a good look. Never. Seriously, if you have a pair in your closet just chuck ‘em right now. You’ll thank me later. As for the shoes you should buy? Whenever I need an affordable, good-looking shoe I turn to Bass. They’re currently having a crazy sale and for under $120 you could grab a pair of oxfords in both black and wine, covering yourself for any situation.

However, this time I’m going to recommend you check out Florsheim. Check out the Fennimore if you’re in the market for a brown cap toe oxford. For the guy on a budget, at $90, this is the shoe for you. It’s got a nice looking rounded toe box and comes with a rubber sole. That way when you’re piss drunk at your buddy’s wedding, you won’t slip and fall during the inevitable playing of the “Electric Slide.” Gotta plan ahead right? A gentleman is always prepared.

I don’t envy men when it comes to fashion, most men I know say that they don’t care but in reality toil and torment over the anticipatory first date ensemble, “how do I come off not creepy, and still get laid?” You don’t want to appear as though you’re trying too hard (gay-vibe-red-flag) and you don’t want to come off a disheveled, Lebowski of sorts; it is never a good thing if the woman you’re courting questions you on your regular bathing habits.

So how do you find that in-between, that look, that pièce de résistance, that signature style that sets you apart and makes others notice?

With Spring here, the season of finding your metaphorical rabbit, you’ll want to dress your best to stand out and attract, without coming off like a guy that would a) wear a tattoo style graphic t-shirt (need I mention names) or b) have a subscription to Vogue (10 points if you had to ask yourself “What’s Vogue?”) Sprucing up your wardrobe doesn’t mean you have to detract from your own personal, set style, it does not need to be a fight to the death, you do not need to call your buddy’s girlfriend and ask what works. Check out these selections and suggestions below:

1 Hats

A good hat does many things, it keeps you from having noticeably bad hair days, bad haircuts and serves as an awesome extra to make a t-shirt and jeans look a little cooler.

The Fedora capitalizes on this idea; I’ve been seeing both cloth and straw fedoras in high-volume this spring. The base color hat with whatever color/pattern you could think of, made by everyone you could think of. Not only is it a good looking hat, it’s really versatile.

Wearing the same clothes from last night? Slick the hair back, prop the fedora on, and all focus is brought to the guy with the really cool hat.

The Fedora is a hat commonly associated with the Great-Depression era gangsters and the coolest of cool Humphrey Bogart, circa Casablanca. Fedora-wearers are most often epitomized as the desirable, tough guys, aching to be loved, and us women, just want to love them back. Interestingly, no matter the decades that pass, the Fedora is still considered a necessary fashion accessory for adding that bit of spice, and touch of class.

True Religion does a mighty good job of updating this classic hat. The cross-weave style looks more like as overturned basket, but the straw color and brown braid gives it that spring/summer touch. ($75)

Robert Geller’s Spring/Summer show back in September had this heavy German, beach, boat vibe. I really enjoyed the lightness and playfulness of the color schematics. The feather and black and white coloring gives the former hat a Bugsy Malone type-feel. (about $265)

And for the all important affordability, H&M has its hand in every style out now, no price but I’m sure it’s reasonable

2 Shoes

Shoes should always be comfortable first and god-damned sexy second. A cool pair of shoes can totally transform an outfit, and your stride. There is nothing like strutting into a room with your very own blue suede shoes.

We’ve finally come into a time where you can wear sneakers with suits, and for whatever reason, dress shoes with sweatpants. It’s shocking and fun. Shoes are the new watch. The accessory men compare at the gym, the bar, “Dude, have you seen my new kicks…” all this, with keeping in mind that shoes are meant to touch the ground, not run your finances into it.

My picks for the season are: The color-block shoes, they are really interesting and are sure to get you a double-take….

These Cole Haan shoes may be a bit too much for the normal 9-5 business man; the blue into black concoction is creative and visually attractive. It both figuratively and literally redesigns an old shoe idea with a splash color. This palette boost, dresses up the everyday black dress shoe to something that says: “I care, but not too much.” To contrast my love for these shoes, my father, said they weren’t his style and “…looks like a narc walked through a paint puddle,” to each his own. ($198)

One of my favorite men’s shoe brands is Generic Man; constantly skirting social and style boundaries, this brand loves when color holds hands with classic savoir-faire, and makes little baby shoes that feel great. These shoes combine textures, styles (that span decades) and a color scheme that just flat out rocks. I’ve included photos of both their dress shoes and more casual shoe. So versatile. (about $295/$175)

Speaking of Color, a great brand to trust for a good fit (remember sizes run a tad small, I’d go with a half-size bigger) is Alife Footwear, successfully melding styles of the 70’s and 80’s with the repeating patterns/graphics of the aughts, Alife is one of the most recognizable shoe brands out there, and for good reason! ($120)

3 Stripes!

Stripes are nothing to be scared of. They are not to be associated with time spent in prison! Do not feel contrained by the dyed bars! Do not feel trapped by the power of at least two colors containing you in its fabric vault!

Stripes are not to be toyed with either. The number one thing is to choose the appropriate stripe pattern for you, your body and personality. If you’re short, Vertical Stripes make you look longer. If you’re a little on the heavier side, Horizontal Stripes will make you look a little thicker. I like all types of stripes, they’re not as obtrusive as a graphic tee and more interesting than a solid sweater/shirt.

This tee by Drifter messes with the constraints which is much appreciated. ($48)

Also, mixing stripes (i.e., stripes on top and bottom) may have you looking like an hypnotic spiral

Ever, an L.A. based brand, mixes surfer saavy and adult sensibility. This sweater would look great with jeans,shorts, slacks, or in the hamper. ($88)

BDG, an Urban Outfitters brand, does what Stripes should do – they draw your eye in, making a simple button down, something else. I like this brand a lot and this shirt structure is another must have for this Spring. The subtlty of the lines/stripes aids to the refinement. Lightweight, sheer and breezy, the rolled up sleeves and assortment of colors make this a very good pick, especially at ($48).

4 Linen and Cotton Pants

It’s time to put away your skinny jeans and let your legs, thighs and nether-regions breathe. With warm weather a-coming, you should pant yourself accordingly. I think women tend to have it easier with the vast array of shorts, cropped pants and lightweight trousers. Men don’t seem to have as many options, shorts always seem under-dressed and slacks always seem out of place (when out of the work realm) and there’s not much that’s really interesting about a pair of jeans.

You don’t need to be the Mediterranean Don Juan to wear cotton or linen pants, this is a common misconception. These lightweight and comfortable pants will help to combat the heat and look like you could jet-set somewhere tropical at any moment.

These Steven Alan “layman” pants are 100% cotton and super comfy. I see a blazer and light colored button down paired with these pants for that “I just stepped off my yacht” look. For that I wish I lived on the beach but I’m stuck with NYC rooftops sensibility, these pants are right up your alley ($198)

H&M is surely delivering this season in regards to Men’s Clothes. A good friend of mine just bought their stark white linen pants for ($35). Probably the better fitting pants I’ve seen in this style. Just remember, wear light colored underwear, or nothing at all, if that’s how you’re gonna roll this summer.

Old Navy known for that beach bum look, has a great pair of Linen pants. I can smell the coconuts and rum from here! ($26)

5 Denim Shirts

Denim is making a HUGE comeback in waves! So much denim on denim it’s as though the trains were still running on coal! Now the double denim look is not for everyone and it doesn’t have to be. As much as this reminds of some Coal Miner’s Daughter serenade, you don’t have to go all the way! But denim is the stand out this season, making men across the nation have the urge to wipe grease across their foreheads.

There is, at times, this overwhelming sense of “I don’t want to look like a Village Person” and you don’t have too! I think Denim shirts are more a reflection of Cool Hand Luke than YMCA.

ADAM takes a stab at re-looking at the denim shirt as a new commodity. I love how this one looks and how flattering the cut is, or lack of cut for that matter. This screams I’m confident in what I’m wearing, no matter how big (or small) my member is! ($195)

G-Star Raw is one of those brands that is always on the cutting edge, figuring out what’s cool before cool knows it’s cool. Always flirting with concepts of experimentation, space, the future, and innovative traditionalism, this Denim Shirt does what many try. Clean lines and cut, it doesn’t appear that this gentleman is on his way to the tracks, but rather, that next morning breakfast? Tip: wear your hat ($160)

6 Reinvented Shirt

Anything redone, to be new again, earns points in my book. Same goes for Beatles covers. Asymmetrical lines aren’t used to so much compliment the body, but rather the look. Wearing something that isn’t ordinary automatically puts you at the forefront. This doesn’t mean wearing things you’re not comfortable with.

Men wear skirts; I am in no way promoting this.

Beta Unit has some of the coolest cuts I’ve seen. This hoodie is more than just a hoodie. Walking down the street in this, people are sure to notice. And this isn’t going so out of the realm of comfortable fashion. It’s like origami folds, finding new and innovative ways to make the regular sweatshirt, more than just a sweatshirt. The intentional dirty grey works well with the worn style and lax fit. This, in my opinion, is a must have. ($129)

This Mans Nonno sweater takes not only the vitality of this red but the intricacies’ of the design. This asymmetrical top exemplifies the style. Refreshing and alluring, this sweater is both casual and inventive. ($62)

Tim Hamilton does what very few designers do, and that is experiment to the fullest sense of the word. I don’t have prices for these, and each dud is probably more than my rent, but they serve as an enigmatic example of the Reinvention of the Shirt. Not everyone could, or should attempt to pull these off, but the mere thought, and concept behind these is art.

7 Vests

As winter makes her way to Spring there’s still a slight chill in the air. Wanting to show off your sweet denim shirt or reinvented top, a jacket does a bit too much to cover and conceal.

The vest should be a necessary component to everyone’s wardrobe and you don’t need to grow a beard to own one, or feel like a down-filled nylon bubble. When paired with jeans, a vest can help create many chic combinations that are suitable for a number of different occasions.

This add vest will ensure you stand out. No one will say lumberjack when you stroll down the street in this. Fusing sportswear and chic-ability this vest could replace the need for flashlights. This will combat those chilly mornings and cool evenings without the need for extra fabric!($239)

ORISUE Nylon Vest is a different take on the sleeveless covering. This vest screams hipster chic and I can’t help but yell along too. The cut is very visually appealing and that extra fabric, or what-have-you, draws the eye to the most important part of the clothing, the wearer. Housing many pockets this vest could free your jeans of all that extra crap you stuff in there. ($64)

The most important thing about standing out this Spring is making sure you’re wearing clothes that fit you, which you feel comfortable in. We all remember the kid in grade school who showed up in his dad’s clothes.

• Find the uniqueness and experimentation that works for you.
• Clothes are an extension of personality; they are not the all-encompassing feature.
• Don’t fear the retail circus, make it work for you.
• Dress how you want to this Spring, stand up and stand out!

I know I don’t say this often enough, but man turtle dicks look weird. It was like he was a cartoon character asking a question or something. That’s kind of depressing though. If you were a turtle being kept in a home and you weren’t neutered (I haven’t heard a lot about turtle neutering so I’m assuming it’s not possible though, granted, I don’t read about turtle genitals often enough outside of Ninja Turtles fanmade porn), you’d probably be really hard up for companionship. I’m not sure how that ends with you f’ing a shoe, but I can definitely relate.

Honestly there are many times in my life where I’d have been much better off going home and f’ing a shoe, then slowly rolling over and going to sleep like this little guy. Shoes don’t get pregnant. I hope. Though that would be a convenient way to get out of buying more shoes. Hmm.

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