Via Twitter. You will seriously watch and re-watch this fifty times, at least…

Favorite YouTube comment would have to be: “still less gay than twilight.” Next, also via Twitter, is a bit more obscure. Simply know that it combines Starcraft and crappy pasta sauce…

Say it with me: lol Koreans! BTW, fun-fact: back in the motherland (I’m half Korean; was raised in South Korea) they use ketchup on spaghetti. I kid you not.

But taking phone calls during a game? I mean, we have to draw the line at some point right? Watch as this German soccer player gets called to the sideline to answer his cell and then watch as he makes one of the dirtiest tackles you’ll ever see.

Part of me thinks this is some kind of gag and I’m just the dumb sports writer that’s getting punk’d. But this looks like a real game, not some kind of prop somebody set up.

And if that’s the case, I’m stunned. Wonder if the ref is yellow carding him for the tackle for just being a straight up douchebag.

2.

Two days before the Fab Five documentary aired on ESPN, its executive producer and star Jalen Rose was arrested in Michigan on suspicion of drunk driving. Seems like Rose was celebrating a tad bit early on the show’s success. At the scene, he refused a breathalyzer and was taken to a nearby hospital for a blood test. Oddly enough, none of this information was released to the public until yesterday, a full 20 days after the incident. Wonder if some people in the local Detroit media are trying to help one of their own?

25,000

Tampa Bay Bucs cornerback Aqib Talib will turn himself in later this week after allegedly firing a gun at his sister’s boyfriend. His bail will be set at $25,000. Hopefully, in the troubled economy of professional football, he stashed away some money for a rainy day. The organization isn’t too thrilled about this entire incident but rode the fence in their comments. “We are deeply troubled by the serious charges filed against Aqib Talib,” Bucs general manager Mark Dominik said in a team statement. “Due to current labor circumstances, we will withhold any further comment or action.”

1-0

The U.S. Men’s National Team has played 3 games in preparation for CONCACAF duty later on this year. And thus far, they don’t have a win to show for it. Just two days after being embarrassed by Argentina, the U.S. lost 1-0 to Paraguay at a game in Tennessee. Things don’t get any easier for the team as their next opponent is none other than World Cup champion Spain before the Gold Cup. They’ll need to, at the very least, play well to have some momentum going into the tournament.

102-90

Revenge is a dish served several months after a guy screws your team, city, and state. The Cavs, playing for their dignity last night beat LeBron James and the Miami Heat 102-90. Oddly enough, LeBron did not show up for pre-game intros opting to stay in the locker room beforehand. Things even got testy for the King before tip-off as several members of his entourage were denied access into the arena. Not like Dan Gilbert isn’t one to hold grudges or anything.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Over the years, women have proven to be stellar athletes and, over time, some experts expect women to be able to compete and defeat male athletes. But that doesn’t mean they don’t look downright foxy in their different uniforms.

12 Netball dress
Very unknown sport that was derived from basketball. However, they were smart enough to add some sex appeal and put them in these one piece dresses. Not common in the States for sure and more of an English/Australian/New Zealand thing… which is fine by me.

11 Field hockey skirt
Not often seen unless you’re watching the Olympics or ESPNU for a random college game. Nonetheless, an extremely strong competitor in this category.

10 Soccer shorts
Most would say that the soccer uniform has no business on this list but yet, its one of the few sports where a woman can be overtly muscular and still remain attractive. Helps if the shorts ride a little high… I’m just sayin’.

9 Golf shorts
Fair to assume that us men hate women on the golf course. They’re slow and they often don’t advance the ball beyond 50 yards. But those outfits could make Bea Arthur look attractive….(Okay, maybe not her… RIP Bea.)

8 The tennis skirt
An oldie and a classic.  Truly stands the test of time.  Although, lately women have gone with the tight shorts and or suit look (Serena Williams, anyone?), the skirt is still the consensus winner for tennis.

7 The gymnastics leotard
Very underrated but very much appreciated.  Just make sure you’re staring at someone who is of age.  In fact, stick to the college competitions to avoid looking like a pedophile.

6 Track and field shorts/tank top
Hard to ignore the popularity explosion of girls like Allison Stokke and other pole vaulters who flaunt their backside but you can’t ignore the runners who try to wear the flimsiest shorts possible in an effort to gain that extra advantage.

5 Indoor volleyball shorts
There is a human being out there (probably a man) who decided that girls needed for some odd reason to wear these uncomfortable and extremely short shorts.  I pray to that unknown person every day.

4 Cheerleading uniform
Debatable whether its a sport but they get the nod because as my friend said “they do have competitions”.  I think that was code for, “They’re in short skirts, put them on the list or I kill you.”

3 Surfing wetsuit
Another one of those sports that we just don’t get to see enough.  Probably because none of us know whats going on and what constitutes a good score.  If they could just focus on the bikini bottom and wetsuit, we could probably figure out everything from there.

2 Figure skating attire
Dresses, skirts, shorts… whatever these ladies put on seem to work well.  Probably because most of them could fit into a suitcase but hey, I’m not complaining.

1 Beach volleyball bikinis
By far, the gold medal of sports uniforms. You could put the ugliest professional beach volleyballer out there and every dude would be staring at her backside. That’s what you get for wearing a bikini and calling it a uniform.

(Didn’t make the cut:  Basketball, Swimming, Softball, Ice Hockey)

If your “goal” was to eliminate your teammates from the match, well then young lad, you’ve succeeded. Go have a Guiness on me.

Melville Celtic B v Ballymahon FC B 6/11/2010 [Youtube]

This has to be one of the wildest stories we’ve ever seen.

On September 7th, Bahrain hosted what they thought was the Togolese national soccer team. They subsequently defeated them 3-0.

But after the match, questions arose as to the authenticity of the national team itself. And now Togo’s soccer federation has determined that the team was “fake”.

Something straight out of Catch Me If You Can

“For this game with Togo, as per all the letters and paperwork we received, along with the players’ passports, etc, they were all official documents from Togo’s football federation.
“Everything seemed to be in order, until after the game when we began to hear that some people are wondering about these players and this Togo team. We ourselves were surprised when we heard this. On our end, we have all the proper papers and we have the approval from Fifa. We have raised this issue with the agent concerned, and he is co-operating with us. We are now awaiting his reply, and we will act accordingly upon receiving this.”

Bahrain officals seem very confused. Some have even stated that Togo had played a match earlier in the week against Botswana and didn’t want to tire out their players, therefore, sending a reserve squad that was less than stellar. But that’s news to Togolese officials. So what’s really going on? Who knows. But at the very least I’d like to see the fake team play the real one for ultimate Togolese soccer supremacy.

Here’s some highlights from the game.

Bahrain and Togo probe mystery team [Gulfnews.com]

Watch as this Morrocan goalie thumps his chest in pride as the balls spins back across the line.

Video via Deadspin:

There aren’t many times we can say we enjoyed a soccer fight. If anything, pushing and shoving is immediately followed by an obligatory dive by one of the players. And while this fight does include some dives, it also includes some incredible haymakers and high-flying Kung-Fu action.

Who knew the Singapore Young Lions and the Beijing Guo’an were such bitter rivals.

Video courtesy of Bob’s Blitz:

I might be mistaken but I’m pretty sure I saw someone’s Mom on the field at the 2:30 mark. Hmm? Maybe that’s what this fight was all about in the first place. Someone on the Beijing Guo’an pulled a Delonte West on a Singapore Lions’ mom.

Hell, I’d start throwing Liu Kang style kicks too if that was the case.

That pesky Icelandic soccer team is at it again–but this time, they’ve gotten downright dirty. As in squat on a toilet kind of dirty.

As seen on Hot Clicks:

Is anybody else starting to wonder how this team even scores goals or wins games? At least two hours every practice has to be dedicated to choreographing these celebrations.

If there any Icelandic bloggers out there, please do us all a favor and scout their practice. I’m thinking it probably resembles some Broadway musical or even an episode of Glee so be forewarned.

Over the weekend, Oakland Athletics ballboy Kevin Fennell did his best “Ladies Man” impression. After snaring a foul ball, Fennell ran it over to a lucky young gal in the stands. And although he was booed mercilessly by the crowd, he did succeed in getting her phone number.

As a tribute to Mr. Fennell’s ability to barter foul balls for digits, here’s a glimpse at other ballboys who have shined in the past.

10 Brazilian referee oblivious to ballboy’s shenanigans; allows goal to stand

9 Boy does his job with enthusiasm and little restrain for opponents’ groin

8 He may look lazy but this ballboy performs a picture perfect header

7 This lucky lad gets to play with tennis legend Arantxa Sanchez-Vicario

6 Starting in left field for your Atlanta Braves…

5 He’s no Devin Hester but this kid sure has an incredible speed burst

4 Has a member of the “utility staff” has ever gotten a technical foul before?

3 Wonder if he gets on the score sheet with that assist?

2 Ballboy makes an incredible catch diving into the stands

1 Cheeky little fella shows up soccer star Steven Gerrard

Video via Hot Clicks:

I would seriously support this in any American professional sports league. In fact, we should try to develop a punishment system right here

5 bad calls=choke hold
10 bad calls=Figure Four
15 bad calls=Piledriver

and the dreaded 25 bad calls in one single game: Powerbomb off the goal post.

That would certainly make some games more entertaining.

How do you give 8 middle fingers to an entire nation of people not exactly known for their compassion? You become a gambling cephalopod that may or may not have psychic powers and enjoys footy.

They say Paul chose the winner in nearly 70% of Germany’s games during the 2008 European Championship.

Actually that is pretty impressive. I’m still not convinced I’d call a betting line and let a sea creature tell me how to gamble my money away this week.

He correctly predicted all five of the team’s previous World Cup games – including a shock defeat by Serbia in the group stages.

Here is the deed to my house and my life savings and the pocket watch my grandfather carried during the war–put it all on Spain. I can’t miss an opportunity where I get to take gambling advice from an animal. Animals have a sixth sense when it comes to things like this. I heard Nixon had a psychic goat named  “Pickles” that was responsible for getting us out of Vietnam. He got Bob McNamara’s old office.

My point is that if you are going to gamble, you may as well have something logical to blame it on.

During Euro 2008 he wrongly picked Germany as the victor against Spain.

See, already betting with his head and not his heart. That’s the first rule of sports betting. I’m going with Paul the psychic octopus on this one.

His prognosis ahead of Wednesday’s World Cup semi-final was broadcast live on German TV.

Well there go my odds. I hope this thing realizes it’s going to be awfully hard to swim around with 8 broken arms if he is wrong about this.

German ‘psychic’ octopus predicts victory for Spain [BBC News]

Larissa Riquelme, the face (and boobs) of the 2010 World Cup, will have to wait another four years for her popularity to explode again. Her home nation of Paraguay was eliminated Saturday in a 1-0 loss to Spain.

To Riquelme’s credit, she seems to have parlayed her heaving breasts into a possible deal with Axe. I believe companies call this “spot advertising”.

See you in 2014 Larissa!

And with that… I’m done with Vuvuzela jokes. Those stupid plastic horns are the most obnoxious things to hit the world of sports since the overzealous guy with the cow bell. I’d rather have somebody blow an air horn directly into my ear for an hour, go deaf and never hear anything again, rather than hear these damn “instruments” played for hours on end. Enough with this thing. And I’m pretty sure this video game would drive you insane if you played it for more than 2 minutes at a time. Of course that fact probably won’t stop them from making a Vuvuzela Hero 2…

Twilight’s like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.

@bretterlich [Twitter]

I’ve been watching the World Cup and I have to say that I’m impressed. But more importantly, I’ve spent time with some people that really study and understand the game, and that’s been what has really swayed my opinion on the game. They explain everything in a way that I understand. But not everyone in America has that opportunity, so I feel like there is still a lot of skepticism when it comes to watching or enjoying “The Beautiful Game.” In talking to these guys we kinda pinpointed some of the reasons Americans don’t like soccer. These are what we came up with.

7 We have so many other choices
In other countries soccer rules the roost. In the US we have basketball, baseball, football, hockey, volleyball, lacrosse, golf, gymnastics, etc, etc. American children have way more options when it comes to what sports they’d like to play. We have the resources to not only compete in several different sports per year, but a good portion also have the option of watching any sport they choose. There are so many options that sometimes American athletes don’t put all their eggs in just one basket. A lot of phenomenal athletes will play football and baseball or basketball and football. That’s not the case in most other countries where soccer is pinnacle of professional athletics. Too many other options for American kids just hurts soccer’s bottom-line in this country.

6 Our best athletes don’t play soccer
Imagine if Chris Johnson, Mike Vick and Lebron James were on the US soccer squad. I can tell you right now they’d be faster, more physical and more dominating than most of the current soccer players around the world. Our best athletes don’t play soccer because of the reason above — it’s not a big sport here and until the last decade or so, it’s been basically irrelevant. And even when we do produce good players, they take off for Europe when they hit their prime. The MLS is one of the least-talented soccer leagues in the world. That’ll have to change drastically for soccer to have staying power in the USA. (Apparently Rick Reilly did something like this on ESPN, but I don’t like Reilly and didn’t read or steal this point).

5 You can play for a tie
We are pretty black and white in America. If you look at the majority of the popular US sports, you realize that we don’t have ties or draws. We enjoy a definitive conclusion; you either win or you lose. The rules almost never allow for a tie. We have overtime, extra innings, penalty shots, etc. Most people don’t enjoy watching something for almost two hours and not have a clear winner. American just don’t enjoy the emptiness that entails. We like to gloat and listen to people on sports radio and blogs bash or bask in a coaching decision or a player coming up short. Ties don’t necessarily give us the same bitter or jubilant satisfaction than a clear-cut conclusion does.

4 It’s a long game and not always exciting
Look, I know that there are a lot of sports that are boring to watch. Baseball can be a long and arduous journey. Hours and hours of pitchers working slow and hitters stepping out of the box to adjust their jockstraps and batting gloves. But not everyone in America enjoys the MLB. Again, we have options, so we’re not just tied to one sport. Soccer tends to be a lot of people running around for not a lot of action. Sure, there are amazing shots and saves each game, but those tend to be few and far between. It’s a very orchestrated sport (I personally enjoy that), but it’s really not a super exciting sport to watch. Put it on ice, give them sticks and let them beat the hell out of each other and you still only have the fourth most popular sport in the United States. It doesn’t bode well for the future of soccer if we can’t keep the best American players playing in America.

3 It’s difficult to differentiate who is good and who is great
When I sit down and watch Peyton Manning play football, I realize that he is a phenomenal player. Same with Kobe and Lebron. Even baseball players like Pujols and Strasburg (I know it’s early to say that) tend to show that they are very special players. But with soccer, it’s kind of tough to discern who is good at soccer and who is great in soccer. Sure, players like Messi, Ronaldo and Kaka are amazing, but after the top few, it’s hard to tell who is good and who is great. I guess other sports just have more tangible statistics that we can rely on (box scores tell the tale of the game), but again, when I see Kobe score 80 points, I know that’s amazing. When I see the best soccer players go scoreless a few games in a row, it makes me begin to wonder just how good they are. I understand assists and creating shots are a big part of soccer but without scoring or strikeouts or touchdowns, it’s hard for Americans to figure out what players are good. And sure, we could stick around and really study the game, but this is America, our attention span doesn’t really afford us that luxury.

2 Landon Donovan is the face of US soccer
No offense, but when you work in the business of entertainment you want to have someone with an “it” factor. Someone that exudes confidence and electricity. A hype-man if you will. The powers that be have made Landon Donovan the face of US soccer, and in all honesty, the guy is boring. In every interview he comes off as a bit smug. America relies somewhat on outlandish, over-the-top athletes to carry their sports. We look for entertainment in our sports and therefore we want characters with personality. I mean, professional wrestling is completely based on that statement. People like Ron Artest, Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocinco, Alex Ovechkin, and even Tiger Woods to some extent. They may not be the best players in their respective sports but they grab headlines, keep our attention and keep us talking around the water cooler. Landon Donovan doesn’t do that. He has no electricity or aura to his personality and that’s not his fault; he shouldn’t have to play a role just to get people interested in soccer. In order to get Americans really excited about soccer, when a guy like that surfaces the powers that be in the MLS are going to have to promote him and get him to stick around for awhile if they want to really get us fired-up about American soccer. (And I’m sure that there are a lot of players with ego and headline making quotes in the Euro leagues, but those guys don’t play here.)

1 They need to win a World Cup
When it comes down to brass tacks–we just need to win the World Cup. Easier said than done, but as I’ve mentioned before, America likes nothing more than a winner. And if the US can somehow pull a World Cup stunner, then soccer will immediately have a place in the American sports lexicon. Until that happens, I think once this year’s World Cup ends it will be back to business as usual in American sports. It’s going to be an uphill battle, but with an entire new generation of soccer players coming up in the system, I think soccer has a chance.

There have been a fair amount of strange stories from this year’s World Cup. None however, have reached this level of bizarre.

Apparently, before the games started, an African witch doctor placed a curse on the English soccer team. Or at least, that’s what Ed Prynn, the Archdruid of Cornwall told everyone. But fear not English fans, he’s there to save the day. By his own account, the enlightening ritual lifted the curse.

“I have lifted the curse put on the England team by a witch doctor in Africa,” he said.

“I felt it was my time to help England so I went to a stone hexagon with a hole in the middle and took the curse with me mentally from the east as I passed through the stone to face the west.

If you feel compelled to dig more into this story, Mr. Edward Prynn has his own website. Unfortunately, my dealer is a little late on my weekly supply of shrooms so I can’t fully comprehend the complexity of his mysticism.

England can now win World Cup after curse placed on team by African witch doctor is lifted by Cornish archdruid {FARK}

This is confusing to me for two reasons: First, soccer players are arguably the most physically fit athletes on the planet. They don’t often die in the middle of a game. And second, whenever I collapsed on a soccer field in gym class, I didn’t get a yellow card–I got kicked in the kidney by an obese man with a whistle. I guess some of these rules get lost in translation. Man…I’ll never understand soccer.

Dead Croatian soccer player yellow-carded for faking it [The Vancouver Sun]

I’m guilty of it as much as anybody as prefaced by the next line….

The Greatest Soccer Fail ever

Video via Deadspin

As somebody who has no soccer skill and whose best moves usually come in a buffet line, I sympathize with Kei Kamara. I personally enjoyed his pleading to the linesman on the play, totally ignoring the fact he had possibly the dumbest handball of all-time.

Well done sir, well done.

Heidi Montag is filing a sexual harassment claim against The Hills producer Adam DiVello. Says an “insider” (aka Heidi’s mouthpiece), “Adam wasn’t on set much for six seasons until Heidi got her new boobs. And now he shows up everywhere.” She should be happy for the attention. Isn’t it the reason for her existence?

Speaking of chicks with big, fake boobies, a terrified Amy Winehouse was “rushed to hospital with agonising pains from her boob implants” this week. She is waiting for a decision on whether the implants have to come out or not. We’ll keep you updated on this very, very important story should anything break.

And speaking of people with breast implants who like to sing, Tila Tequila is entering the music scene as “Miss Tila” and will be dropping her first single entitled I Love My DJ next week. A full album will hit stores the following month.

Kiefer Sutherland likes to drink. We knew that. What we didn’t know was that he also likes to get tossed from strip clubs. The Stringfellow’s Gentleman’s Club in London to be more precise. He was ejected by four guys in tuxedos, one of whom reportedly had Sutherland in a headlock. Is Kiefer the new Lindsay Lohan? Oh wait, we still have the current Lindsay Lohan. Never mind.

In “about time” news, Kate Hudson got breast implants. Little ones. Really that was about all she was missing in my book. That and a movie I actually enjoy. “…her chest has always been one of her biggest insecurities,” a source said. That and bad movies. Oops, I already said that.

In WTF news, Nicolas Cage recently had a 9-foot tall pyramid-shaped super-tomb built in a New Orleans cemetery. Tell me that this news surprises you even a little.

Mel Gibson and his Russian girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva (you know, the one that cause Mel to leave his wife and mother of his seven kids last year) have called it quits. Never mind the fact that Mel knocked her up and she had a kid five months ago. How Christian of him.

In other domestic celebrity news, Larry King is getting a divorce (yes, again) in part due to the fact that he and his estranged liked to hit each other. One friend recalls an incident outside of Nate ‘n Al in Beverly Hills a year and a half ago where the couple was “punching each other.” Let that one roll around in your head for awhile.

Not to be outdone, (because who could possibly out do him?) Charlie Sheen has reportedly been cheating on his wife in their own bed. RadarOnline.com learned exclusively that he met his latest POA, Angelina, through an escort Web site. Seriously, Charlie? A Web site?

Apparently Pamela Anderson hates paying taxes as much as the rest of us. Even more so it seems since Pam owes the state of California $493,000 in unpaid income taxes. I wonder if the pay from doing Dancing with the Stars will cover it?

And just in case you don’t hate Lady Gaga or are one of those “green” people, this will help you along that path. She tours with three private 747s. Yes, three. I assume one is just for all her stupid outfits. You know, because they’re so valuable. This babe will be broke singing at state fairs by 2013.

Here’s one for all the sports fans out there. Jake Gyllenhaal is set to play Joe Namath in a biopic. No word on when it will be released (or even filmed) yet, but director James Mangold has been hired, which may kick the project back into high gear.

In other sports news, Cristiano Ronaldo allegedly hooked up with Kim Kardashian this week. On-lookers revealed that they saw the pair ‘kissing and being very affectionate’. Cristiano really is a man-whore isn’t he? God love him.

And finally, you didn’t think the week could possibly go by without some Lindsay Lohan stupidity did you? In 2007, Lindsay Lohan hijacked an SUV with three men inside, and chased her former assistant through the streets of Santa Monica. She plead guilty to reckless driving, driving under the influence of cocaine. and driving with a blood alcohol level of .08 or higher. And got sued. This week was the deposition for said suit. She did show up for it, but because she wanted to go shopping instead she never got out of the car. I don’t make this stuff up. Oh yeah, Lilo also got fall-down drunk this week. Again.