Guyism » Sodomy

It's all fun and games til the strap-on goes in

Chris Spags — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:17:53 +0000

Perhaps the best headline in the history of headlines? Yes. Some stripper raped a dude. Shocker, he didn’t like it.

An Australian stripper hired for a bachelor party has been found not guilty of rape by a court in Melbourne. Linda Maree Naggs who works under the name “Tiffany” came to the party came armed with a whip, vibrator and “strap-on penis shaped” sex toy.

The best man gave evidence at the trial of being pressured by his peers into sitting on the seat where Naggs performed her routine.

Ms Naggs, the second stripper of the evening, was charged with rape after a scene in which the best man got naked on all fours and she applied lube then moved the strap-on against his “bottom area”. Witnesses described how at one point the best man “sort of screamed” and winced.

During the trial, the alleged victim told the County Court he urged Ms Naggs not to put the sex toy into his anus and was shocked when she did.

“I was pretty upset at that stage,” he said.

“I could feel something was there.”

Never has forcible sodomy been so underplayed as in these two quotes.

What a terrible strip club though. Strip clubs suck for the most part because I’m not getting off and, if I am, I have to go backstage and pay way more money or get a new pair of pants. Plus weak mixed drinks. But then you throw in me getting raped and it’s just like, enough already. This is why I stopped going to family reunions, you know?

[via]

Monsters

Chris Spags — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:55:52 +0000

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comes this important lesson on how to deal with monsters under your child’s bed.

Monsters are pretty scary though. Every time I used to stay over at one particular friend’s house when I was little, there was a monster that would come out in the middle of the night and make my butt hurt. It was doubly bad because the monster would do this after my friend would sodomize me. That’s what we call a switch joke, friends. A switch joke that brings back to life too many repressed memories. :(

Man goes crazy after being confronted about magic powers

Chris Spags — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:25:35 +0000

You know what’s frustrating? How people with magic powers never want to actually show you them. Take for example this guy who claims to fly and crap but, instead, screams and flails around.

If I had a magic power, it’d probably be the gift of GAB. Oh, not like, talking smoothly. In this case, rather than speech, GAB would stand for Gagged Anal Bondage. It’s not magical in the traditional sense, but it certainly aides me in making large cylindrical objects disappear with hardly a sound.

Woman "accidentally" gets hairspray can in her ass

Chris Spags — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 20:41:56 +0000

A Romanian woman was admitted to the hospital with quite a unique situation: She had a “huge” can of hairspray lodged in her rectum.

SHOCKED surgeons were forced to use their imagination after operating on woman with a huge can of hairspray stuck in her bum.

Mirela Gradinaru, 37, arrived at the clinic in Arad, western Romania, in agony, begging docs to help.

But she refused to tell surgeons how the can came to be lodged in her rear even after a successful operation dislodged the canister.

Mirandolina Prisca, a doctor at the clinic, explained: “We had X-rays done to localise the object and then we carried out the operation. The patient was fine after it.

“She was very embarrassed. She was clearly in a lot of pain, however it got there.”

“This was not just a little can of deodorant, this was a massive can of hairspray,” said one hospital worker.

You can see the x-ray of the situation in question here.

I think we can all relate on some level though. Who hasn’t slipped and been like “Oops, what landed in my buttocks?” especially when you’re like in the lockerroom at a Knicks’ game or something. The floors there are so slippery, I feel like it’s happened to me at least three times!

Also, not to get too gross, but how loose must your asshole be to be able to take a big can of hairspray? Was she f’ing elephants on the side? And if so, I hope she was in a serious committed relationship with these elephants because if there’s one thing elephants hate, it’s being toyed with emotionally. Otherwise they get depressed and write elephant emo, which frankly has too many minor chords. Where was I? Oh yeah, what a slut.

[source]

Proposals can be difficult

Chris Spags — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:57:41 +0000

Via Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal (our first two-time Comic of the Day, congrats to them on this utterly meaningless accomplishment) comes this gem about how you may not want to propose to the woman of your dreams.

A proposal mimicking this is even more awkward when your wife-to-be doesn’t have any experience at all with rectal examination. And it becomes eeeeeven more awkward when you have a large Nigerian man named Kinto pulling out the ring for you while he’s busy using his hands to file his nails. Sexy, but awkward.

SLANDER THE ETHNICS MONDAY: Greek people are dumb

Chris Spags — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 21:05:21 +0000

Okay so this probably won’t be a recurring feature, but dare to dream. Check out this video of how some Greeks celebrate Easter. Spoiler: They’re idiots.

Not pictured in the celebration: The winner gets sodomy. I’m not going to lie, that’s like all I know about Greece…gyros, sodomy, and men wrestling in the nude. But the latter two ingredients sure do make for a delicious food in the form of the first one!

I could be a doctor

Chris Spags — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 17:13:57 +0000

I thought there was a science to being a doctor. Turns out, all you need is a hammer and a little bit of hope.

A suburban Kansas City man said he feels fine, even though a nailgun accidentally fired a 2.5-inch nail into the top of his head.

The mishap occurred last Friday while George Chandler of Shawnee, Kan., and a friend were doing a project in a back yard.

The nailgun hose became tangled, causing the powerful tool to fire one nail. Chandler on Monday said he told his friend he did not know where the nail went, but he felt a sting on the top of his head.

“He looked at me and said, ‘I need a claw hammer,”‘ Chandler recalled. “I thought, ‘Ah, he’s just teasing.”‘

So the doctor borrowed a claw hammer from a worker to finish the job and sent Chandler home with a few stitches.

God I love smalltown life. It’s just so simple. Like you flunk out of craftsmanship school, become a doctor, get drunk off of Jim Bean, and then decide to live out your dreams of being a carpenter at your medical facility! Fun fact: That was also how Jesus cured people. With a claw hammer.

Similar story happened to me and a bowling trophy. Only instead of a claw hammer, it was a lubed up glove, a flashlight, and a whole lot of remorse. Sigh. That’s just how big city life is, I suppose. You put one thing up your butt in a sober 11AM haze and people never let you live it down.