They make it sounds so simple. And even if it doesn’t work, it’s better than my plan of politely asking the oil to leave. I’m afraid of confrontation :(

At the same time, there really couldn’t be two more stereotypical Southern guys. Overalls being worn to a scientific presentation? Really? I’m half-surprised their solution didn’t involve making all the black people leave the Gulf of Mexico out of fear of making the oil impure.

Clever Southerners Will Fix The Oil Spill [Buzzfeed]

Ozark Police Chief Jim Noggle says one of his officers used a Taser on a 10-year-old girl who was combative when the officer tried to get the girl into a patrol car to be taken to a youth shelter.

Noggle said Tuesday that officer Dustin Bradshaw went to the girl’s home after her mother called police.

According to a report filed by Bradshaw on Thursday, the officer found the girl on the floor of the house screaming and crying. She refused to follow her mother’s instructions and the mother told Bradshaw to use his Taser.

Bradshaw carried the girl to the living room and told her she was going to jail, according to the report. The girl was violently kicking, the report said, and struck Bradshaw in the groin with her legs and feet. The report said Bradshaw administered a “very, very brief” stun with the Taser, put the girl in handcuffs and carried her to his patrol car. She was taken to the Western Arkansas Youth Shelter in Cecil.

Kids are really annoying, so don’t get what I’m about to say confused. But I can’t see any scenario in which a mom who’d call the police on her daughter would be the one who’s the victim while the little girl gets tased. Newsflash: Children are a product of their environment. I doubt Mama Bear was there baking cookies and helping her with her math homework. The closest she probably got to teaching her daughter how to read was the nutritional information on a pack of Cheetos. “See that thar Monododium Glutamate? That just means that the Cheetos were send from little Baby Jesus to make our hearts happy. Now get back to the basement and stir mommy’s moonshine ‘fore I redden up your hindquarters. You know mommy can’t deal with the pains of livin’ without her Bathtub Happy Juice!” Yes, this is how white trash people in Arkansas talk in my head and no one with a straw hat will ever tell me otherwise.

[Fox News]

When Ricky Butler went to sleep on a rural, East Tennessee roadside, he didn’t have to worry about comfort but apparently he was feeling insecure.

McMinn County deputies found the 31-year-old Decatur man sleeping on his back in a roadside ditch, with a loaded rifle on his chest and an almost empty jar of moonshine in the bib of his overalls.

Butler told deputies who woke him up Sunday that he didn’t know where he was. He also told them the jar had been full.

Deputies said Butler also had a machete and hand-rolled cigarettes believed to be marijuana.

Wow. Weed, moonshine, a loaded rifle and a machete all on one man sleeping in a ditch. Let that soak in for a second. Pretty amazing right?

What do Tennessee cops say to a man on the side of the road with weed, moonshine, a rifle, and a machete? “The press corps are waiting, Mr. Mayor.”

[The Tennesseean]

For a frame of reference, an electric chair offers alternating currents of 2,000 volts. Most cattle prods have somewhere from 2,000 to 9,000 volts. After doing some quick mental math and calculations plus some anecdotal scientific research, it would appear as though this might not have been a good idea.

Oh if only they had just seceded after the Civil War. We would have way less tasings and NASCAR races. Plus the myth of the Southern Belle is extremely overhyped and wholly nonexistent. And Yosemite Sam really wasn’t that funny, though I did admire his ability to grow a lush mustache. The point is that I’m ready for Southerners to do something to justify their existence to me beyond making me delicious ribs. Aaaaaand go.

Thank the Internet for wonders such as this. People often accuse me of being biased of Southerners on this site or misrepresenting them. But hey, now we have video proof (or, as the gentleman above might call it, “Videomographic everdents”). Also, that’s a WOMAN running the camera. A WOMAN. She doesn’t even have wrists! It looks like she’s wearing flesh colored Hulk Hands. It’s like looking into the baboon cage at the zoo. They’d probably have made a more coherent video too.

Feel free to defend yourselves in the comments below, Southern folk. But seriously, if it weren’t for Southern belles and barbecue, I’d be highly advocating just giving you to Mexico. Then we can make Canada the new South. At least they’ve got weed and hot strippers instead of “chew,” rebel flags, and vaguely entertaining appearances on Maury.

For one couple, it was a fairy tale wedding, castle and all, but it also included a side of burgers and fries.

Kurby and Krystal McDonald’s love story began behind the counter.

“I started working here and her mother was working here and she said, ‘my daughter’s going to start here soon.’ Is she single? ‘yeah,’” said Kurby.

Soon after they started dating, and now nearly a year later, family and friends came together at the White Castle in London for their wedding, slider cake and all.

Plus, it included all the food that comes with a white castle wedding.

“It was awesome, we had burgers and chicken and fries and we eat until we just couldn’t eat no more, so we had a really good time and i think it went great,” said Harlen Lockhart, the groom’s brother-in-law.

You can view footage of the happy couple AND THEIR AWESOME BURGER-SHAPED WEDDING CAKE here (not embeddable…pricks).

I know it’s easy to joke about the couple here and call them rubes or white trash or put on overalls and say, “Hyuck I’m getting married at that thar White Castle’s!” while blowing into a moonshine jug to the tune of “Here Comes the Bride.” It’s very easy. But eh, f it, I like White Castle’s burgers and also like their “f you guys” attitude, so I approve for once. At the same time though, I never envisioned a White Castle’s being a place for love to bloom. The one near me growing up was filled with bulletproof glass because it got mugged so often and to say the characters there were “unsavory” would be an insult to the word. So while I wouldn’t go there for love, I could see myself going there for greasy hamburgers with a 70% chance of being shot through my heart by some guy named “Janky” while he robs the cashier and demands a sack of cheeseburgers all in one swoop. Which is pretty much equivalent to loving a woman from Kentucky, I’d say.

[source]

This comic is pretty spot on, but it leaves out the very important reality that if your father is your co-star in the film, it makes it totally okay. It also makes you an inspiration for Southerners everywhere who will be stunned that you’ve found a way to get anything out of the situation other than trauma and a gallon of moonshine.