Celebrity gossip items that you may have missed this week…

— Zooey Deschanel sent a raunchy, naked video of herself to her boyfriend… in 1998. They are just now hitting the Internet. And people say news travels faster because of the Internet. Pfffftt…

—

— Zooey Deschanel sent a raunchy, naked video of herself to her boyfriend… in 1998. They are just now hitting the Internet. And people say news travels faster because of the Internet. Pfffftt…

— Demi Lovato checked into a rehab center, but not the kind that Lindsay Lohan is in. This one is for her to get help for “emotional and physical issues.” Uh oh, “physical” issues? Anyone care to guess what that’s code for?

— Demi Lovato’s emotional issues may have had something to do with Ashley Greene now currently doinking her ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas. Or not.

— Speaking of Lindsay Lohan and rehab, she might not be on the hook for her medical bills as previously thought. All she has to do is serve as a “marketing consultant” for a Web site. A Web site that you can’t view at work unless you happen to work at a strip club.

— Bret Michaels had sex with Miley Cyrus’ mom, Tish. Or not.

— Charlie Sheen filed for divorce from his third wife Brooke Mueller. Or as I like to call it, firing a pre-emptive strike.

— The “true story” behind Conan O’Brien’s move to TBS (as told by Andy Richter).

— Keith Olbermann was suspended indefinitely by MSNBC. Sadly it was not just for him being a complete and utter douchebag.

— David Cassidy was arrested for DUI. You remember David Cassidy, right? You know, Katie Cassidy’s dad?

— Heidi Montag is researching stripping. Presumably for her next career move.

— Oh yeah, that whole “divorce” thing that Heidi and Spencer Pratt went through? Yeah, that was fake. They also claim to have filed for bankruptcy. I hope that’s not fake too.

— Kim Kardashian recorded a single. No, really, she did. It’s horrible so I know it was her.

— Justin Bieber wants his own private jet. Of course he does.

— Speaking of people with wayyyy too much money…

— And finally, Hulk Hogan whipped his dick out in front of his daughter Brooke for a video game commercial. Maybe he just thought he was Keith Richards or something.

This weekend’s sexy video comes to us from the fine folks over at FHM who were kind enough to shoot a video of one of my favorite British babes in lingerie, Kara Tointon, who also happens to be their cover girl this month. Giggity…

See more of Kara Tointon and other cover girls at FHM.com.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Despite her having to, you know, spent the next few weeks in the slam, Lindsay Lohan apparently got over on E*Trade for that Super Bowl commercial she claimed made fun of her earlier this ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Despite her having to, you know, spent the next few weeks in the slam, Lindsay Lohan apparently got over on E*Trade for that Super Bowl commercial she claimed made fun of her earlier this year. At least she has that going for her, which is nice… I guess. (BONUS: Fantastic court room sketch of Lindsay being handcuffed right… over… here.)

>>> Speaking of LiLo, Minka Kelly thinks Lindsay should move to Guam. That or burst balloons for a fetish site. One of those things.

>>> Katherine Heigl is giving away one million dollars. To animal charities. Do I qualify as an animal? Don’t answer that.

>>> Snooki’s working on an album. No, I am not making that up.

>>> A crazed, ice pick-wielding fan was arrested outside Madonna’s apartment this week. Dammit, I told him to got Paris Hilton’s place, not Madonna’s.

>>> Speaking of Paris Hilton… She was detained in Japan, questioned about cocaine, then forced to return to America. And the Japanese stick it to us once again.

>>> Miley Cyrus got an underboob tattoo. I’ll just leave that one alone.

>>> Speaking of trashy jailbait, Taylor Momsen’s new video is, umm, interesting. And by interesting, I mean she strips to her bra and panties in the video.

>>> Speaking of white trash, the Karissa Shannon sex tape is a done deal.

>>> And in other news about people no one cares about, Chyna was taken to a hospital with alcohol poisoning. You remember Chyna, right? Anyone?

>>> Jodie Foster is defending Mel Gibson and his insanity. In other news, Jodie Foster still exists.

>>> In even more shocking Mel Gibson news, apparently Mel gave his wife Oksana Grigorieva $15 million to keep that insanity thing I just mentioned under wraps. Well done, Oksana. In her defense, he could have given her a billion dollars and I don’t think she could have managed to keep it hidden.

>>> Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are broke. Maybe there is justice in this world after all.

>>> Kim Kardashian and Cowboys wide receiver Miles Austin broke up. Expect Miles to break his leg any day now.

>>> And finally, I have found my Halloween costume.

This week’s sexy video comes to us from GQ, who managed to get the hottest WAG in the world, Irina Shayk to basically blow the minds of every male in the entire world (that includes the homosexual men as well… it’s that great). You’re welcome.

Celebrity gossip items that you may have missed this week…

>>> LeAnn Rimes had very good reasons for cheating on her husband. None of which are going to make you feel very secure about your relationship with your white trash country singer girlfriend.

>>>

>>> LeAnn Rimes had very good reasons for cheating on her husband. None of which are going to make you feel very secure about your relationship with your white trash country singer girlfriend.

>>> Lindsay Lohan may host Saturday Night Live. See? Crime (and incompetence and lack any discernible talent or skill) does pay. Maybe. Oh yeah, Lindsay also failed her first drug test. And ADMITTED IT! Shocking…

>>> Jersey Shore’s Jenni “J-Woww” Farley is maybe/possibly going to pose for Playboy. At least she’s someone we haven’t already seen naked 100 times (Warning: Link is Not Safe For Christine O’Donnell).

>>> Blake Lively has kissed only three guys in her life. Believe it! Or not!

>>> Chelsea Handler’s sex tape is about to be released. If you care, which I don’t.

>>> John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston had intercourse again. Probably.

>>> Kate Walsh appeared in a sushi and sashimi dress on The Tonight Show in response to Lady Gaga’s meat dress. Now that one I would want to eat.

>>> Joaquin Phoenix was faking his crazy act. Ohhhhhhhhh… and I almost believed him.

>>> Oprah Winfrey is screwing Australia out of $3,000,000 as a result of her giving her audience… AN 8-DAY VACATION TO AUSTRALIA!!!!!!11!1!

>>> Owen Wilson will pee wherever the hell wants to pee, thankyouverymuch.

>>> Sarah Silverman is gonna get naked.

>>> Mel Gibson is still crazy… Seriously.

>>> Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt scammed a charity. Shocking, I know.

>>> Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga aren’t happy with their blow up sex dolls.

>>> Montana Fishburne checked into a mental institution. I’m guessing she used her real name there as well.

>>> Shaquille O’Neal was accused of computer hacking, destroying evidence. I would pay to see that.

>>> Vivid Entertainment’s president says that Karissa Shannon’s sex tape is most extreme celebrity sex tape ever. That, however, I would not pay money to see.

>>> George Michael’s life keeps getting better as he received an eight week sentence for driving stoned. If he could only get Lindsay Lohan’s judge-lawyer-legal system he’d be out in 10 days.

>>> And finally, if you see Miley Cyrus behind the wheel you might want to take cover.

We have a really sexy video today (no, not this one) courtesy of the fine folks at Armani who have hired Megan Fox to prance around in their underwear, which is good because I don’t see her getting any clothed work anytime soon.

Spencer Pratt was arrested and then promptly banned from Costa Rica yesterday after trying to bring a gun on an airplane — which, no matter what the circumstances, is still frowned upon at all airports around the world. In other fantastic news, countries can now ban Spencer Pratt from coming ]]>

Spencer Pratt was arrested and then promptly banned from Costa Rica yesterday after trying to bring a gun on an airplane — which, no matter what the circumstances, is still frowned upon at all airports around the world. In other fantastic news, countries can now ban Spencer Pratt from coming to their country.

“As I departed the country this morning to continue my spiritual journey, I mistakenly brought my hunting weapons to the airport. It was an honest mistake, and they sent me on my way,” he adds. “On an unrelated note, I’m not allowed in the country anymore — but that’s because of the chicken incident.”

I’m wondering if “the chicken incident” isn’t just Pratt buying a Costa Rican chicken, pasting a blonde wig on it and trying to get it implants so that it can work and be on the cover of magazines and he never has to work another day in his life, although if details emerged that he was simply trying to sell videos of it having sex or fighting in Costa Rica, that wouldn’t be all that surprising, would it? This guy is simply fame crazy and cannot live without the spotlight somewhere near him. He’s probably only doing this to get on The Today Snow or for a book or something.

“Costa Rican jail smells like children’s tears. And soup. Delicious soup,” Pratt Twittered after news broke Saturday afternoon. “If I knew the gov’t was Team Jacob, I would’ve kept my mouth shut.”

All we had to do was have him find out the government was ‘Team Jacob” to get him to shut the hell up? They should have just made t-shirts and saved themselves the trouble. The light at the end of the tunnel in this situation is that a country actually banned this moron from their country for his moron behavior — a win for Costa Rica and a win for humanity in general. “Soup an children’s tears” don’t even make sense in his statement, and it looks like this guy is starting to slip on his Twitter jokes and all-around game of talent less hating on others. And as we all know, there is only one way to deal with a person in that situation… firing squad.

Spencer Pratt arrested for firearm possession [MSNBC]

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Karissa Shannon apparently has another, different sex tape floating around. I wonder if that’s the tape that she claims Spencer Pratt stole from her. Vivid Entertainment is waiting for Karissa’s approval to release the ]]>

CLASSY...

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Karissa Shannon apparently has another, different sex tape floating around. I wonder if that’s the tape that she claims Spencer Pratt stole from her. Vivid Entertainment is waiting for Karissa’s approval to release the tape, which should happen in 3… 2… 1…

>>> Playboy released some new nearly naked pictures of Kim Kardashian. And get this: She’s actually mad about it. WTF, indeed.

>>> Lindsay Lohan wants to have a baby. Don’t we have laws against that sort of thing?

>>> Britney Spears sexually harassed a man for a soda. A soda? Cheetos I could see, but a soda? Kevin Federline’s got her back though so it’s all good.

>>> Paris Hilton hid drugs in her vagina. That’s one surefire way to make sure she never, ever had to share them with anyone. I wonder if that was part of the “special treatment” she received while in jail?

>>> Playboy model Tiffany Livingston tried to open a plane door mid-flight. Yeah, I don’t know who she is either.

>>> Kirstie Alley’s house smells like a zoo. I know what you’re thinking, but it because she has 25 or so pets. Then again, maybe it is what you think.

>>> Minka Kelly flipped out on a plane over a dog and asked her beau Derek Jeter to speak with the pilot about it. I did not make that up.

>>> Vince Neil was accused of assaulting a woman in an elevator. Steven Tyler had no comment (think about it for a second).

>>> Floyd Mayweather is being sought in a potential domestic violence case. He is under suspicion for beating up the mother of his child.

>>> Kevin Spacey – not gay.

>>> Angelina Jolie – no friends.

>>> Lisa Marie Presley – drunk.

>>> And finally, Nicolas Cage’s pyramid tomb seems to be coming along well.

Today’s sexy video comes to us via Rolling Stone who took one of the hottest women on the planet, Sofia Vergara, and had her put on one hell of a smokeshow for the camera. You’re gonna need a cold shower after this one, folks.

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Heidi Montag had a busy week. She publicly exchanged dogs with her “ex” Spencer Pratt, put a halt to the sex tapes that probably never existed in the first place, ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Heidi Montag had a busy week. She publicly exchanged dogs with her “ex” Spencer Pratt, put a halt to the sex tapes that probably never existed in the first place, and, as you can see from the photo above, managed to channel the evil spirit of Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis.

>>> Louis C.K. went on an epic drunken Twitter rant after apparently becoming inebriated on a plane and drunk-tweeting his way through the flight. I do that, but no one ever thinks it funny. Or actually sees it.

>>> Jerry Lewis wants Lindsay Lohan to get off his lawn, or something. Oh yeah, he wants to “smack her in the mouth,” that’s it.

>>> Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she was told that her presence would not be needed at the premiere of the movie Machete. You know, the movie she was reported to have appeared nude in, yet Mr. Skin says she was not nude in. That movie?

>>> Oh yeah, Lindsay already broke the law and allegedly ran into a lady pushing a stroller since being released from rehab. Those things also happened.

>>> And speaking of idiots with entitlement issues who are in trouble with the law, Paris Hilton, who was arrested this week, says that all “these rumors” about her are not true. I’m not sure what rumors she is referring to, but I can’t wait to see how she goes about defending herself against them.

>>> Oh yeah, Paris also is no longer welcome at certain Las Vegas clubs. So she’s go that also in common with Lindsay Lohan

>>> Kim Kardashian, on the other hand, has no such issues with getting in trouble like Lindsay and the woman who pretty much made her famous by showing her the path, Paris Hilton, and is more than willing to tell you why.

>>> Star magazine accused Ashton Kutcher of cheating on his wife Demi Moore (who then went on Twitter in her bikini looking hot as f-ck for a 47 year-old). Ashton denied it and threatened to sue, of course.

BONUS VIDEO INTERLUDE! Demi Moore doing her best Elaine Benes at a Snoop Dogg concert.

>>> As reported here in previous weeks, Jennifer Lopez is about to become a judge on American Idol. I just knew you were waiting for more confirmation.

>>> As for Kara DioGuardi? Yeah, she’s gone.

>>> Rihanna is in the new Battleship movie. Yes, there is too a movie about the game Battleship, and yes, Rihanna is an actress.

>>> Katy Perry beat out Rihanna and Jennifer Aniston for hottest bikini body, according to some ridiculous poll that thinks these three have the hottest bikini bodies.

>>> T.I. and his wife were busted for drug possession this week. Here’s video! (By the way, it was all his wife’s fault. According to 50 Cent, at least.)

>>> Jay Leno’s Tonight Show ratings are doing real well this summer. Drop me a comment below if this saddens you. I didn’t think so.

And finally, Alex Rodriguez has apparently moved in with The Joker. I mean, Cameron Diaz. Same thing.

In this week’s sexy video, I bring you something you may have already seen since it’s been everywhere, but in case you haven’t yet, well, you are in for a treat. Some genius out there noticed that Britney Spears does something weird with her tongue in pretty much every music video she’s ever made. Is it sexy? I kind of think so, but I’ll leave that for you to decide…

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Jennifer Aniston is set to go topless in her next movie role. Makes sense. She might as well get what she can out of those bad boys because the clock, she be a tickin’.

>>>

>>> Jennifer Aniston is set to go topless in her next movie role. Makes sense. She might as well get what she can out of those bad boys because the clock, she be a tickin’.

>>> Jason Statham and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley have moved in together moving me ever closer to hating this man.

>>> Heidi Montag, she of wanting to have her breasts reduced, oh, and that alleged sex tape, is now meeting with Vivid’s Steve Hirsch to get her cut of the sex tape Spencer Pratt threatened to release. The tape she denied existing (yet Karissa Shannon says does exist). That one.

>>> At least Heidi Montag is satisfied with her new face. Wait, what?

>>> Paris Hilton was almost killed. Sort of. A man packing two knives tried to break into her house, but alas he failed. Maybe we can send him to Heidi Montag’s house when he is freed from jail.

>>> Christina Hendricks was unveiled as the new model for London Fog. And as usual people have noticed that perhaps the photos used in the ads might have had a little work done.

>>> 50 Cent and his grandmother… well, they’re having issues.

>>> Kat Von D is dating Jesse James. Kat Von D – Sandra Bullock, yeah I can see the similarities in taste there.

>>> Montana Fishburne might do Playboy. If you care, which I don’t.

>>> Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab. She stayed in there about as long as she stayed in jail (i.e. not as long as she was ordered: 14 days and 22 days vs. 90 days for each). At least the stay in rehab will reportedly cost her $130,400.

>>> LiLo also wants an apology from the court for the way they treated her. Wow.

>>> And finally, now that’s she free and clean (ha), Lindsay has some good people in charge of getting her career back on track.

>>> Speaking of that… Britney Spears might be getting married again. I hope she does. It’ll bring a whole new batch of crazy to the table to amuse us.

>>> Brad Pitt thinks BP executives should die. “I was never for the death penalty before,” says Brad. “I am willing to look at it again.” I’m sure they’re shaking in their custom-made alligator skin boots.

>>> Taylor Lautner threw a fit because he didn’t get his fancy RV on time. He claimed he suffered “emotional distress” and “annoyance”. I think we now all understand what “annoyance” is, Taylor.

>>> In movie news, the Avatar sex scene is being re-inserted into the movie. Na’vi sex. You just can’t beat it.

>>> And finally, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer got married, if you care, which I don’t.

This week’s video comes to us via Cosmo who did a little photo shoot involving one Jessica Alba, who seems to perhaps be on the verge of bring her sexy back. Fingers crossed.

After 10 plastic surgery procedures that cost an estimated $30,000, which included rhinoplasty and a breast augmentation that boosted her cup size to a DDD, it seems the former Hills star now has some regrets about becoming a walking Barbie doll. Heidi says she wants to go back to life ]]>

After 10 plastic surgery procedures that cost an estimated $30,000, which included rhinoplasty and a breast augmentation that boosted her cup size to a DDD, it seems the former Hills star now has some regrets about becoming a walking Barbie doll. Heidi says she wants to go back to life where she’s not a walking flotation device.

It only took a few months of agonizing pain and countless (shameless) interview rounds for Montag to finally question her decision to get implants that make watermelons jealous. The singer (*snickers*) said she is worried that all the work she has had will have long-term ramifications on her health.

“My boobs are crushing me,” Montag, 23, tells Life & Style. “My body’s still getting used to them and I have major anxiety about it.” She also says her breasts are “so heavy” they constantly strain her back.

Boy, it sounds like that epiphany would have been a good one to have before undergoing surgery in the first place. Who could have known that massive reconstructive surgery could lead to health problems? Oh, that’s right, all the doctors in Hollywood that turned your request for breast augmentation down after explaining to you that the surgery was far too risky and would lead to more serious health problems down the road.

Heidi says she’s had nose tape on “24 hours a day since November,” hoping to “keep the swelling down and hold my nose in place the way Dr. Ryan sculpted it. I don’t want my nose to fall off like Michael Jackson’s.”

Didn’t have the nose tape on for the cover of People Magazine, did you? It’s all about staying relevant and beautiful and being famous — not your health and well being. It seems the price of fame and naivety have caught up with yet another reality show personality clinging to a fading spotlight. Although it seems it did have some positive effect on her life, as it got rid of Spencer Pratt.

Spencer “begged” her not to have plastic surgery in the first place.

Ladies of Los Angeles, take note. That’s how you get rid of that guy.

It was just a matter of time wasn’t it? The Hills is over, their fake marriage has been exposed, Heidi’s Playboy fame died out, what could they do to possibly stay in the limelight? Of course… Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag may have a ]]>

It was just a matter of time wasn’t it? The Hills is over, their fake marriage has been exposed, Heidi’s Playboy fame died out, what could they do to possibly stay in the limelight? Of course… Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag may have a sex tape. Kill me now.

Spencer Pratt is shopping a sex tape of himself with soon-to-be-ex-wife Heidi Montag, TMZ reports.

Spencer reportedly contacted Vivid Entertainment, the porn giant that brought us the sex tapes of Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian, and will soon release Montana Fishburne’s XXX tape.

The President of Vivid seems pretty clear that this may or may not be real. “I just got off the phone with Spencer Pratt about a sex tape with Heidi Montag,” Vivid exec Steven Hirsch told TMZ. “We are in early negotiations to possibly come to terms for a deal.”

In other news, the man who created Heidi’s new body/face died recently so as a show of mourning Heidi went to the beach in Costa Rica (seen pictured above and below). Consider it a small preview of things to come.

Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag SEX TAPE? Vivid Entertainment May Distribute XXX Speidi Video [HuffPo]

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

>>> Dutch model Lara Stone is suing Playboy for publishing naked pics of her, that she knowingly let someone take at some point for some reason, other than to be published by Playboy. Got it?!

>>>

>>> Dutch model Lara Stone is suing Playboy for publishing naked pics of her, that she knowingly let someone take at some point for some reason, other than to be published by Playboy. Got it?!

>>> Mary-Kate Olsen thinks she had a bad childhood. No, I am not kidding…

>>> Musician Wyclef Jean announced that he will run for president of Haiti. Sean Penn is suspicious. Again, not kidding…

>>> By now you’ve heard that Laurence Fishburne’s teenage daughter is in an adult film. What you may not have heard is that this is not Montana Fishburne’s first film. Oh, and that she was a hooker. Aww yeah…

>>> Spencer Pratt admitted that his marriage to Heidi Montag was fake. He also sort of called Lauren Conrad a lesbian. None of this shocks me.

>>> Scientologists think they can fix Lindsay Lohan. I can’t believe it took them this long.

>>> They better get going on Lindsay soon because she is apparently a bi-polar meth addict, according to a “source”.

>>> In other Lohan news, Lindsay’s dad Michael is now having regular sex with a chick (pictured at right) who, by my estimate, appears to be barely older than Lindsay herself. Playa…

>>> In other celebrity jailbird news, Charlie Sheen weaseled his way out of having to serve any time… at all. Lindsay Lohan really needs to hire his lawyer.

>>> Tila Tequila is set to star in a porn film.

>>> Or maybe she isn’t. Either way, who cares, right?

>>> Alicia Keys got married.

>>> Jillian Michaels is being sued… again… for her sh-tty weight loss products… that “might kill you”.

>>> In this week’s Mel Gibson news, Mel allegedly wrote an e-mail to Oksana blaming “tranquilizers” for punching her in the mouth while she was holding their infant daughter.

>>> Lady Gaga says she uses cocaine. I still don’t care.

And since I always like to leave you with a nice video, here’s Eminem and Rihanna’s new video for Love the Way You Lie, which just so happens to feature Megan Fox…

Celebrity gossip you may have missed this week…

>>> Victoria’s Secret supermodel Doutzen Kroes is pregnant and no one knows the father. Bask in the memories while they last.

>>> A Michigan couple tried to extort $680,000 from John Stamos. They failed, but ]]>

Celebrity gossip you may have missed this week…

>>> Victoria’s Secret supermodel Doutzen Kroes is pregnant and no one knows the father. Bask in the memories while they last.

>>> A Michigan couple tried to extort $680,000 from John Stamos. They failed, but did provide us with some nice details on Uncle Jesse’s lifestyle.

>>> Pink fell off the stage and went to the hospital (video). She was actually pretty cool about it too.

>>> Nic Cage almost got his ass kicked. Sort of.

>>> Blake Lively and Leighton Meester weren’t exactly getting along on the set of Gossip Girl this week. Tempers flared over which actress was getting the better wardrobe. I say settle it the old-fashioned way in a pool of baby oil.

>>> In this week’s Mel Gibson news, he allegedly punched his baby, really loves BJ’s, realllly likes to say the C-word, is having financial issues, and is definitely not a racist according to race relations expert Whoopi Goldberg. Danny Glover does not approve.

>>> And in this week’s Lindsay Lohan news, Lindsay’s crazy-ass mom Dina says that LiLo wants to open up her own rehab center, hired OJ’s lawyer, buys prescription drugs like she’s shopping for a car, and is really, really going to make some fun new friends when she gets to jail.

>>> Spencer Pratt wasn’t invited to The Hills’ farewell party, but showed up anyway. In a disguise. A bad disguise.

>>> Penelope Cruz got married. Cross her off your list.

>>> And finally Blake Lively’s boyfriend Penn Badgley is kind of a dick.

Sorry, folks, that’s all I’ve got. So since this was a horrifically slow week in the world of celebrity news I will try to make it up for now with a video of Marisa Miller half-naked for FHM (the accompanying photos can be seen here). You’re welcome…

>>> Mad Men’s January Jones not only did the walk of shame the other day, she also apparently had a bit of trouble keeping her car off of other cars (she may have been drunk), if you believe the fine ]]>

>>> Mad Men’s January Jones not only did the walk of shame the other day, she also apparently had a bit of trouble keeping her car off of other cars (she may have been drunk), if you believe the fine men and women of the LAPD, who said, January “was driving a Range Rover … when she allegedly lost control, hit the other cars and caused some major damage. We’re told a witness reported the accident to police and claimed that January fled on foot after saying, ‘I can’t deal with this commotion.’” Yes, I hate it when I cause a commotion and have to deal with the consequences. Such a pain.

>>> Let’s just get our weekly dose of Lilo out of the way right now. As you know Lindsay Lohan got hauled back into court this week because her SCRAM bracelet went off, meaning she consumed alcohol (there is no argument here). And sensing the chance to jump back into the spotlight Lindsay’s mom Dina decided to drop some “truth” on us saying, “[Lindsay] was at the MTV Awards and somebody spilled a drink on her leg, which must have set off the SCRAM bracelet. She has done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn’t have to wear the bracelet in the first place. She is doing absolutely fine.” Except that doesn’t make any sense.

There is a bright side to this story though: The courts, being the great protectors of society that they are, have decided that if Lindsay just can’t help herself and MUST have a drink, she can. And it will only cost her $10,000 a drink. I put Lindsay’s court date in bankruptcy court somewhere around August 1 of this year.

Oh yeah, one more thing, Lindsay is going to be on Celebrity Apprentice. That should be fun.

>>> Speaking of former teen superstars/train wrecks, Britney Spears is back in the news… for allegedly sexually harassing one of her bodyguards. It really never ends for Brit and Lilo, does it?

>>> And speaking of celebrities who no matter what they do just can’t seem to get themselves into jail, Charlie Sheen, who last week was concerned about not being able to smoke during his incarceration, has managed to delay his lockup even longer thanks to the jail’s administrative officer who thinks Charile shouldn’t be eligible for work release. So now the jailers are even trying to keep him out of jail, or in jail, or something…

>>> Remember Sarah Palin? Well, she’s back in the news for something I thought I would never see. People are now speculating that the former VP candidate has had some re-construction done on her upper floor. Says the folks over at Wonkette, “we can report with confidence that at least two people with experience in having breasts say that Sarah Palin sure looks like she was trotting out some new work at the horse races on Sunday.” Consider this your political update for the year on this site.

>>> In news that surprises no one, because in general people are insane, Kristen Stewart has a stalker. I say people are insane, not because someone is stalking a celebrity, but because they chose her. K-Stew is, of course, taking it very seriously, insisting that no crazy “will keep me from living my own life”. I’m not supposed to root for the stalker here, right?

>>> Remember a week or two ago when I reported that “The Big One” Khloe Kardashian was pregnant with Lamar Odom’s child? Well, it’s not true, proving that indeed there is a God.

>>> Our favorite psycho supermodel, Naomi Campbell, made news again this week, and yeah, it’s pretty much for what you’d figure it was for. Naomi allegedly refused to walk up some stairs because a lift was broken – on a promotional appearance to plug her own perfume, then walked out of the live television show, and now she is being sued. How much would you give to make Naomi work at McDonald’s or as a secretary for a week? There’s a reality show I would watch.

>>> Eva Longoria is being sued by the former managers and co-owners of her restaurant Beso. They basically claim she strongarmed them and accused them of stealing and punching a customer, but, of course, they want their jobs back. It’s Beso, after all!!

>>> I told myself I wouldn’t talk about this, but in an effort to make sure that 100% of the population knows just how truly stupid Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are (98% just won’t do!) here we go… Heidi filed for separation from Spencer. Oh no!! You mean they might have a fake divorce of their fake marriage some day?!! Idiots…

>>> In news that is sure to register not a blip on your excitement meter, one of the “Real Housewives” of something or another is releasing a sex tape. Someone named Danielle Staub is featured in it. Yeah, I have no clue who she is either.

>>> In news that will bring a smile to your face, someone stole Kanye West’s car… his $133,000 Porsche Panamera. But wait, it gets better… He got the car back, but not until someone crashed it into a multimillion-dollar house. See? I told you it would make you smile!

>>> Oh yeah, Lady Gaga went to a Mets game, flipped off the fans, and kissed a chick. Just another day in the life…

Remember two weeks ago when I suggested we strip Miss USA of her crown for taking Paris Hilton’s sloppy, infected seconds (i.e. Doug Reinhardt)? Well, we can add Miss World, Lane Lindell, to that list as well. Next up, Miss Universe!

Miley Cyrus performed ]]>

Remember two weeks ago when I suggested we strip Miss USA of her crown for taking Paris Hilton’s sloppy, infected seconds (i.e. Doug Reinhardt)? Well, we can add Miss World, Lane Lindell, to that list as well. Next up, Miss Universe!

Miley Cyrus performed on Britain’s Got Talent this week. Not news until you find out that she pulled a Madonna/Britney and kissed a woman on stage (link leads to video). I don’t mean a peck on the cheek either. We’re talking full-on liplock. I don’t know what road Miley is taking, but I will be the first one there to rubberneck when she crashes into a concrete abutment.

In our weekly Lindsay Lohan roundup, Lilo dropped some stunning news on us. She says she never used drugs. One second… BAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!!1!!11!!! Okay, sorry… now then… she blames her assistant and her boyfriend for setting her up. Everyone is just out to get Lindsay these days… her dad, her assistant, her boyfriend, photographers, common sense, everyone. I guess I really shouldn’t doubt her claims though. Her mom and dad say she’s drug-free so that’s all the proof I know I need.

For those of you that follow Dancing With The Stars and/or the goings-on of intrepid sideline reporter Erin Andrews, rumor has it that EA and her dance partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy are still practicing their moves together. Apparently they “couldn’t keep their hands off each other” at dinner this week. They still refuse to confirm that they are an item though. Because people will believe anything.

Yet another Kardashian is knocked up, but at least this one is pretend married to someone. Khloe Kardashian, aka the big one, says she is pregnant with NBA player/husband Lamar Odom’s child. This is totally going to get their series renewed for another year. Way to go Khloe!!

The city of Gary, Indiana, the birthplace of Michael Jackson, is building a museum to the fallen pop icon. Did I mention it was going to cost $300 million? The entertainment complex is slated to include a hotel, housing, golf course, performing arts center and an elevated rail line to shuttle visitors. In other words, Neverland East.

Remember a week or so ago when we showed you some amazing photos of 50 Cent looking emaciated for a movie role he was doing? Well, either those were fakes or Fitty went on a burger binge since those photos were taken.

Tila Tequila will reveal her secret addiction to Ecstasy on Celebrity Rehab 4. There. Now you don’t have to watch. Please.

Spencer Pratt is broke. That’s all the space I am devoting to him here today. Feel free to insert your own jokes at your lesiure.

In “kill me now” news, the top baby names in 2009 were Bella and Jacob, as in the names of the Twilight characters. I am just going to hold my tongue on this revelation.

Speaking of Bella… you may have heard that Kristen Stewart compared being photographed by the paparazzi to rape this week. Genius, right? Well, for some reason that offended pretty much everyone, including the Rape and Incest National Network and the Men Can Stop Rape Organization. See, Megan Fox isn’t the only one who needs to stop talking. At least KStew apologized for her faux pas.

Gossip Girl’s Chace Crawford got arrested for marijuana possession this week. Get this… he had one joint on him. CRIMINAL!!! Wanna see his mugshot?!

And finally, Rue McClanahan died at the age of 76. Sluts, real and imagined, are saddened the world over.

Remember the sex tape that is about to go public involving Kendra Wilkinson? Of course you do. Well, there’s even more news! One, it seems that Kendra’s sex tape involved multiple partners, aka was a gang ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Remember the sex tape that is about to go public involving Kendra Wilkinson? Of course you do. Well, there’s even more news! One, it seems that Kendra’s sex tape involved multiple partners, aka was a gang bang. And two, Kendra’s husband Hank is reportedly thinking of divorcing her now. “Hank is totally upset and embarrassed. He’s so angry… The main reason he’s embarrassed is his team’s [possible] reaction.”

Speaking of divorce, Matt Lauer is also apparently headed for one. He and his wife Annette are “reportedly living apart and have been for more than two months, ever since [he] spent a string of “wild nights” in Vancouver covering the Winter Olympics.”

You may have read or seen this week a 17 year-old Miley Cyrus bumping and grinding up against a 44-year-old man. If not, go here. Now that you’re fully informed, someone asked Miley’s dad, Billy Ray, what he thought of the proceedings. Naturally he had no problem with it. “It’s what people her age do.” He went on to say his daughter was just “having fun.” Wow.

Heidi Montag called the cops on her mom. For reals. “Still reeling from her mother’s criticism of her intense plastic surgery makeover, Heidi Montag called police on her mother Thursday, claiming she was “psychotic” when she refused to leave.” At least her mom hasn’t disowned her, like her “husband’s” parents have. That day will come soon enough though.

Speaking of family issues, Cheryl Tweedy’s brother got arrested this week. “Andrew Tweedy was held just hours after the violent raid in which a gang of robbers waved a gun and machete at customers and staff before making off with thousands of pounds.” Cheryl is said to have been “in a state of shock”.

Taylor Momsen also almost got arrested this week for trying to take knives on a plane. Says Taylor, “I flew from New York to Los Angeles and still had a couple of knives in my purse. I thought I took them all out but they got tucked up in the folds. I went through security, took them on the plane, opened my bag to get my wallet in LA and they fell out. I was like: ‘Holy shit!’”

Russell Brand loves prostitutes. He also used to have a lot of groupie sex, of course, that was before he met Katy Perry. “When I was at my most promiscuous, I was like a charging locomotive…I had a team of experts who took care of finding women for me. They had very specific instructions. It was as if I was talking to a wine steward.”

Victoria Beckham apparently has really ugly feet. At least according to a recent poll. Yes, someone took a poll. 71% of Brits polled in a recent survey say she has horrible toes. In the same poll, 67% of respondents said Posh should have surgery to fix her feet. I just want to know who is looking at her feet. That’s not what I see when I look at Posh.

In other WAG news, Tito Ortiz will not face any charges for his domestic incident with Jenna Jameson. “The D.A. tells TMZ there was insufficient corroboration to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Tito had attacked his girlfriend Jenna Jameson. That could have something to do with the fact Jenna changed her story multiple times.”

Speaking of men with issues, Sean Penn was sentenced Wednesday to three years probation, 36 hours of anger management classes and 300 hours of community service after pleading no contest to misdemeanor vandalism charges related to a little trouble he had with the paparazzi last year.

And since we’re on the subject of men with issues, Russell Crowe is back in the news for his temper. Russell threw a hissy fit at BBC radio 4 host Mark Lawson when he asked the actor a question about his Robin Hood accent. Give it a listen.

And finally, a supermodel tried to off herself this week. Noemie Lenoir was found on the ground in a forest in La Celle-Saint-Cloud on the outskirts of Paris after allegedly taking a deadly cocktail of alcohol and drugs, the U.K.’s Daily Mail reports.

Remember how I told you about Kendra Wilkinson was suing over the upcoming release of her sex tape? Well, it seems that good ole Kendra not only tried to sell that tape herself, but SEVERAL sex tapes. ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Remember how I told you about Kendra Wilkinson was suing over the upcoming release of her sex tape? Well, it seems that good ole Kendra not only tried to sell that tape herself, but SEVERAL sex tapes. RadarOnline.com tracked down a lawyer who worked with Kendra on the project and setting up the company that was formed to sell the sex tapes. Wonder what new hubby Hank thinks of all this?

More details are coming out regarding the incident that according to Jenna Jameson’s story to the 5-0 didn’t actually occur between her and husband Tito Ortiz. She tells Us Weekly their argument erupted when he accused her of being “high” on pills. When she declared “I’m not on drugs!” he didn’t believe her and flew into a rage. “I was standing in the bathroom – naked, by the way – and he said, ‘It’s over!’ grabbed my arm and pushed me aside,” she recalls. Glad she pointed out that she was naked. That is key to the whole situation being cleared up.

Amy Winehouse was back in the hospital this week after another incident involving her new boobies. And you’re never going to believe this but she apparently hurt them “after she drunkenly fell and bruised them.” But wait, there’s more. Her injuries were described as “not serious” but her agent said: “She really likes the clinic so may stay a few days.” Do I even have to add anything to this?

In other news of the weird, Michael Jackson used to prank call Russell Crowe. You read that right. Crowe apparently shared a similar sense of humor with MJ and Jackson would regularly phone him and try to convince him he was in trouble. I guess if you’re doing a prank you want it to be believable.

The main character in the whole Jesse James – Sandra Bullock mess, Michelle ‘Bombshell’ McGee, has her sights set on porn star Gina Lynn. Hold on there, hoss. Still not in the way you think. She is going to box her. No, not the way you think. It will be a part of some ‘celebrity’ boxing match at the South Philly Bar and Grill. Noooww it all comes into focus. Sort of.

Speaking of cheating hound dogs, The National Enquirer claims to have uncovered evidence that Barack Obama had a fling with a 35-year-old campaign aide. The lady in question is named Vera Baker and it reportedly happened in 2004 while he was running for the Senate. You’ll note that a rumor about the President cheating is not the lead story here today. Not sure if that says something bad about me, or this country.

And apparently Justin Bieber fans have had about as much Kim Kardashian as I have since they threatened to kill her this week. And, ugh, the two ‘stars’ discussed it, of all places, on Twitter, of course, where “Biebs”, as the former Porn star called him, set things straight with his maniacal fans. Just kill me now, Lord.

In news that will surprise absolutely no one in the entire universe, Heidi Montag was serious about her breasts not being big enough and has already scheduled her next surgery to have them enlarged. Idiot husband Spencer blames it all on Ryan Seacrest, because really everything is his fault. (By the way, I’m not kidding about him blaming Ryan Seacrest.)

And finally in our weekly Lindsay Lohan update, LiLo’s mom Dina finally got her to court on the third try. Then proceeded to get completely hammered a couple days later. With her mom in the house. I don’t make this stuff up folks.

Get ready boys, Tara Reid is back on the open market. Tara and Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann have broken off their engagement. My guess is he got cold feet. Not about getting married though, but about ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

Get ready boys, Tara Reid is back on the open market. Tara and Internet entrepreneur Michael Axtmann have broken off their engagement. My guess is he got cold feet. Not about getting married though, but about facing the reality that he’d have to spend the rest of his life looking at her (non-Photoshopped) stomach. Good move, Mike.

Remember last week when I reported that Lindsay Lohan skipped her court date to go shopping? Yeah, well, LiLo missed her court date again. This she says it’s because she couldn’t get a ride (she’s not allowed to drive as a condition of her probation). And since we all know there aren’t any taxis or limos (or other friends) in Hollywood, there was no way she could make it to court.

Oh well, it’s not like Lindsay Lohan’s dad tried to break into her apartment trying to have her arrested or anything. What’s that? That did happen? Of course it did.

Wellll, at leeeast she hasn’t been named a suspect in the theft of a $35,000 Rolex. Oh man, she has? Lindsay’s life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

LiLo isn’t the only one with daddy issues. It seems that Britney Spears’ dad has had enough of Brit-Brit running around without a bra showing off her pokies, so he has banned her from leaving the house without a bra. Great. Now we have NO reason to care about her anymore.

And remember last week when I told you that Kate Hudson got breast implants? Well, that may or may not be the case. Many in the press are speculating that based on these photos she is actually pregnant. Personally I don’t see it. For one thing, someone would have had to had sex with her, and since I didn’t read about it on Twitter then it didn’t happen. That’s how the world works now, right?

The news for Steven Seagal just keeps getting better. Two more women have come forward to claim they were sexually harassed by Mr. Seagal and one of them is Ray Charles’ granddaughter Blair Robinson. I know what you’re going to say. You didn’t see that one coming. At least Steve’s ex-wife, Kelly Le Brock isn’t getting ready to spill the beans in a book or anything. What’s that? She is? Uh oh.

Not all deviant sexual activity ends up with negative results though. Just ask Michelle “Bombshell” McGee. McGee got a gig to sign autographs, pose for photos and dance topless at Vegas’s Deja Vu Showgirls club. Her payment? In the $5,000 range. See girls? It pays well these days to be a homewrecking, tattooed stripper.

In other celebrity legal news, Heather Locklear was arrested for hit and run last Saturday for running over a No Parking sign. Seriously. At least this time there were no reports of her driving under the influence. Progress!

In shocking news, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are dropping the sexual harassment charges I reported to you last week. It may have something to do with this statement by an MTV, “We have looked into this matter and the allegations made against Adam DiVello are completely false and without merit.” Again, shocking.

Remember when Michael Douglas’ son, Cameron got arrested for drugs and other assorted criminal activity? Well, he just got sentenced to five years in the slam. Which isn’t bad considering the mandatory minimum sentence for his crimes is 10 years. Yes, you read that right. He got less than the “mandatory” minimum. Oh to be a celebrity relative.

In Kick-Ass news, one of the stars of the flick, 19 year-old Aaron Johnson, knocked up his girlfriend. Did I mention that his girlfriend is 42 year-old divorced director Sam Taylor-Wood? Knocking up a 42 year-old? Does that qualify as kick-ass?

In rare GOOD news, Jennifer Carpenter, the wife of Michael C. Hall, says the Dexter star is “fully recovered” from cancer and has returned to work. I know… good celebrity news? WTF is wrong with me?

And finally, it seems that George Lopez isn’t all that thrilled to have Conan O’Brien bumping him back an hour on TBS. Because, you know, having a great lead-in to a show that no one previously even knew was on the air is a bad thing?

In news that is sure to blow your mind, Anna Paquin has revealed that she is bisexual. Not only that, she did it in an online video. Sorry, it’s not that kind of ]]>

Celebrity gossip items you may have missed this week…

In news that is sure to blow your mind, Anna Paquin has revealed that she is bisexual. Not only that, she did it in an online video. Sorry, it’s not that kind of video. But we have hope…

A week just can’t go by without some Lindsay Lohan news and this week is no different as LiLo was almost committed by the LAPD. As in committed to an insane asylum. Recently cops became so concerned they discussed taking her in for a 5150 evaluation. Frankly, I don’t see what all the concern is about. (Oh yeah, she also fell on her ass after a party… again.)

Although after the debacle that was Michael and Dina Lohan opening their mouths the other day I am a little worried about Lindsay. Rather than showing concern for their daughter the two of them pretty much just pointed out what scumbags they are. Although Dina did make it all seem ok with this line: “Lindsay is in good hands. Everything is fine.” Ummm… yeah…

At least she hasn’t had sex with 50 Cent (I think), because if she had, she’s have been doing it unprotected, as proclaimed he would do so if he could knock boots with Rihanna, Lady Gaga and Beyonce. Says Fitty, “I would marry Beyonce, Lady Gaga and Rihanna in Africa, I’d have 3 wives! And I would avoid wearing condoms and have really big families!” Okay, which one of those three names doesn’t quite fit?

Speaking of having unprotected sex, it seems that maybe Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian’s breakup may not have had as much to do with Reggie’s philandering as it did with Kim’s infamous sex tape with Ray-J. “Reggie’s mom just could not get over the fact that Kim had a sex tape. Reggie and his family are very conservative, and he told Kim that a marriage is never going to happen between them because of the tape.” Does that leave you as speechless as it does me?

And speaking of breaking up, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt broke up… or not. OK! magazine says that the Heidi has walked out on her husband after fewer than 18 months of marriage. However, People reports, “I’m not moving out,” Montag, 23, says. “I love Spencer with all my heart.” Adds Pratt, 26: “I love my wife more now than I ever thought I could.” In other words, who cares?!

Apparently Jesse James is closing on Tiger Woods faster than we envisioned as it is now being reported that he had 11 mistresses. One girl said Jesse would take her into his office and lock the door, while Sandra was in the garage. And oh yeah, he has a bunch of Nazi memorabilia. Nice catch, Sandy. Oh well, at least Jesse’s philandering got him out of a ticket. So he’s got that going for him. That and going to “rehab”.

At least Jesse James didn’t pay one of his ho’s $10 million as Tiger Woods is alleged to have done. Ho #1 Rachel Uchitel supposedly settled for somewhere in that neighborhood to keep her from holding a news conference spilling all the beans. She must know a LOT MORE than the other 452 chicks Tiger nailed (allegedly) for her to have made that much more bank than anyone else.

Never ones to shy away from getting attention, one of the Kardashian girls flashed the crowd from the balcony of her hotel room in Miami. Guess which one did it? Nope, not Kim. Nope, not Kourtney. Of course, it had to be Khloe, right? And it was. Her ‘husband’ Lamar Odom must have been so proud.

And in news that is sure to blow not your mind, Ricky Martin is officially gay. Next thing you know, we’ll be finding out that Barack Obama is really a black man.